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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 02-26-2008, 11:08 PM
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Default Gator-Chain Unleashed: Monkeyball Has an Aneurysm

M’kay, this is my second story, and I’m feeling… ADVENTUROUS!!! Ooooooooo. Gonna go for a Hard mon + another. but i an't tell you 'till the end because it would spoil it. Took me forever to come up with a title, but I think taking Mankey’s ability in to mind, makes it quite funny. By the way, aneurysm has two spellings, I picked the one with a y because it looks cooler.

Oh, and words quoted in < and > like <I like pie> is a Pokémon being translated through the gift.

The Cave Menace This is a previous story. This one builds off of The one in the link.

Gator-Chain Unleashed: Monkeyball has an Aneurysm

Gator-Chain


“Alright Ordario, lets run through this one more time,” said Hawk.

Hawk and Ordario were practicing battling with a large basketball-sized coconut in front of the Floaroma Town Pokécenter. Hawk was fresh off of a win at the Oreburgh Gym. He was practicing
new techniques with Ordario, his newly evolved Croconaw.

“Ordario, Gator-Chain!!”

“NAAAWW!!!” shouted Ordario, as black and red clouds burst from the ground around him. Several seconds later, small lightning sparks were pulsing around Ordario.

“Good job Ordario. Now you is so fast you cannot be seen. Step #1 Dragon Dance, completed. Now, Step #2, Ice Barrage!”

“Boy, I hope it works this time,” said Morgan, admiring Hawk’s slim frame and rough, dirty blonde hair while reading at the same time.

“Of course it’ll work Morgan,” said Hawk, staring at her also slim frame, dressed in light blue jeans and a short-sleeve pink shirt, and flowing brown hair, “Me ‘n Ordario have been working on this for the past 5 hours. Of course, the wind might affect it.”

“Yeah, it is pretty windy,” said Morgan, ogling Hawk in his short black basketball pants, and short-sleeve, burnt orange shirt.

Small ice crystals spawned from Ordario’s hands, and soon, large balls of ice the size of softballs encased Ordario’s fists.

“CROOOOOOCNAAAWW!” exclaimed Ordario as he lowered onto all fours.

And suddenly, Ordario disappeared. He just plain out disappeared into thin air.

Hawk chuckled, “See Morgan? It’ll work this time.”

“You better hope so Hawk. It’s almost time to go to bed. We have to go through Eterna Forest tomorrow,” said Morgan calmly, wondering how Hawk’s clothes didn’t have any wrinkles despite all they had gone through.

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” said Hawk, openly showing his annoyance.

In a flash, Ordario appeared right next to the coconut, and slammed it with a right hook Ice Punch. The coconut hurtled across the field in front of the Pokécenter, several feet off the ground.

Ordario disappeared again. This time though, he reappeared immediately behind the coconut slamming it once again with his ice covered fists. The coconut flew back the way it came.

Ordario disappeared and reappeared immediately above the coconut right in front of the Pokécenter. Ordario balled his fists together like a hammer. His fists had a serious conversation with the coconut that ended with the brown ball hurtling to the ground several feet below.

“Excellent,” said Hawk, “He won’t mess up now.”

“Yeah, I guess you proved me wrong,” sighed Morgan, staring into Hawk’s deep green eyes.

Ordario fell about one foot away from the coconut, reaching out to it with his right hand, which was no longer covered in ice.

“It’s all downhill from here Ordario. You just need to do step three and four. Now, Superpower, then a full power Hydro Pump, Ordario!” shouted Hawk.

Ordario clenched the coconut in his right fist, and then hurled it fifty feet into the air. Ordario curled up his body to minimal surface area. Hunched over as he was, Ordario’s many battle scars were visible. Worst of all, was a sickening scar reaching from the back of his neck to his left eye. It was a painful and vivid reminder of an encounter with a certain vicious Mankey that happened to be in a Pokéball several feet from where Ordario was standing.

The red spikes on Ordario’s crocodilian back turned to bright blue, and his body uncurled.

Ordario cocked his head straight up in the air screaming, “RAAAAAAAAAAWWWRRRR!”

An enormous jet of water shot out of Ordario’s wide open mouth, covering the distance between Ordario and the coconut in a blink of an eye. Instead of being shot farther into the air, the coconut simply blew up. There was so much power in the Hydro Pump that even the thick skin of basketball-sized coconut couldn’t withstand the enormous pressure.

“Well, success has finally come, and it feels sooooooo SWEET!” shouted Hawk. He was rejoiced with Ordario’s success with the combo.

“Just remember,” said Morgan, “You can’t overuse that technique. If you use it too much, Ordario will just lose all his power and faint.”

“Whatever you say, Morgan. Let’s just eat some dinner with Nurse Joy and go to bed. I wanna go beat the Eterna Gym.”

As they walked back to the Pokémon Center, The wind died down. The town grew mysteriously quiet. Hawk noticed this right before he stepped inside. He didn’t notice it because the wind died, but because the nagging smell of tiger lilies and roses just disappeared.

The sun set on the silent town. The moon rose, a waning crescent. Thunder resonated in the distance, but no clouds were visible.

---------------:::…:::---------------
The Package


The duo and Ordario walked inside the Pokémon Center. After a long day outside in the hot summer sun, the air conditioning was like a gift from God. The two sprawled out on some couches in the lounge while Nurse Joy cooked a Sinnoh-Style Pot Roast.

“Come out Emily. You have been cramped in that Pokéball all day,” said Morgan.

Morgan through a Pokéball in the air, and out of the flash of white light emerged a large owl, about five feet in height. It had small red eyes, and horn-like protrusions extending from its eyebrows. It was light brown, with dark brown wings, and had a pattern of dark brown triangles on its chest.

“Noctowl!” hooted Emily the newly evolved Noctowl, rejoicing for the freedom she had just gained.

The Pokémon and children all inhaled a long breath, savoring the smell of Nurse Joy’s delicious cooking. It was a small relief from the flowery smell of the town outside. It smelled good, but after five hours or so, it started to get annoying and bothersome.

“Hawk, your mother sent a package here for me to give you and Morgan. Oh, I’m so sorry, and dinner is almost ready too. I almost forgot,” chuckled Nurse Joy happily, as all Nurse Joy's chuckled.

“I wonder what my mom sent me,” said Hawk.

“I don’t know, but from what you say about your mom Hawk, I bet its something pretty cool,” suggested Morgan.

“Yeah, I bet it is,” said Hawk. “I wish I knew what you were saying all of the time Ordario,” thought Hawk, while staring at his Croconaw making lively conversation of grunts and snorts to Emily.

“Dinner and package for Hawk is ready!” said Nurse Joy playfully.

Hawk saved the package for after dinner, once he saw the pot roast. Nurse Joy scooped Hawk and Morgan each a large bowl filled with chunks of tender meat, soft and juicy carrots, and nice, succulent potatoes.

Hawk ate one large scoop, stared at his spoon, then back at the bowl, then at Nurse Joy. He examined her many features, including her bright red hair done up in two pigtails, and her cute face. He noticed her white uniform, with an apron displaying the famous red medical cross. He looked down at the bowl once more, then back at her and said, “I love you.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty good,” said Morgan, obviously jealous of the praise Nurse Joy had received.

“Well you can eat however much you want kids, and don’t forget your package Hawk,” exclaimed Nurse Joy happily.

“Okay mom…I mean God…I mean…uh…Nurse Joy,” said Hawk, mesmerized with the pot roast in the bowl in front of him.

After all of the eating was done, Hawk turned to the package. He opened it, and pulled out a letter saying:



Dear Hawk,

I hope your journey is going well.
I really miss you here back in Twinleaf.
The house isn’t the same without
you around to help me with chores
or watch Sinnoh Idol with me.
Timothy Ratcher is looking
pretty promising this year you know.
Anyway, I sent you this because I
thought it might help you and I
know how you have always wanted
to understand Pokémon. I got Morgan
one too to be nice.
So good luck, and I love you son.
Keep trying hard and doing your best.

Love,
Mary Ann



“Nuh-uh!” shouted Hawk, as he rummaged through the contents of the box.

There was a small case at the bottom of all the Styrofoam peanuts. Hawk opened it slowly, savoring the moment. Inside the box, there were two, small, gray, earpieces marked: PokéTranslator.

Hawk’s left eye twitched with excitement as he inserted it into his ear.

“Ordario, say something,” said Hawk excitedly.

“Croc Croc Naw Croconaw,” said Ordario. <Why should I say something? It’s not like you can understand me. Or is that what that thing you put in your ear is for?>

“Oh….My….God….Ordario, I know what you just said!”

“CROCONAW CROC!?!?!” <You can understand me!?!?!> yelled Ordario excitedly.

“Sure can buddy,” said Hawk, “My life is gonna be so awesome!”

“Croconaw Croconaw Croconaw naw naw, croc?” asked Ordario. <Well, now that you can understand me, how about you fork over some of that pot roast right there, eh?>

“Whatever you want buddy. Tomorrow is a big day,” said Hawk.

“Croconaw croc croc croc naw,” said Ordario. <Well that’s just dandy Hawk. As long as I get some pot roast, tomorrow can be as big as you want it to be.>

---------------:::…:::---------------
Route 205


The night went by fast. Everyone in the town slept soundly and deep.

In the morning, Morgan and Hawk ate Nurse Joy’s famous hotcakes and gravy. The kids awoke to the smell of sweet, fried, pancakes. Nurse Joy walked over to them holding two large plates littered with pancakes. On the side was a small tub of “gravy.” It was light green in color, mottled with specks of red, black, and brown. It was extremely sweet, and when combined with the hotcakes, the flavors were in total sync. Some men who ate these, even went as far as calling it the greatest food ever.

Departure was long and hard. Hawk wouldn’t budge, because he wanted more of the delicious cooking, but he was overpowered by Morgan, Emily, and Ordario, and was carried out of the town.

The group was walking on Route 205, the route to Eterna forest. The sun was out and brightly shining. There were no clouds in the sky, but somehow, the low rumble of thunder was heard in the distance. Hawk took no heed to this, but indeed, it would have greatly reduced his troubles if he would have noticed.

The group was just rounding a bend on a mountain-side path to Eterna Forest, when a large hiker jumped up from the ledge below. It was quite comical observing the fat man scramble to cover the rest of the distance up to the group.

When he reached the same level as Hawk, he said, “I challenge you to a Pokémon battle!”

“Why must you block my way fat man?” sighed Hawk, as he eyed the man’s large belly.

“Oh! You’re gonna regret calling me fat, kid! Go, Machop!” shouted the hiker.

Out of the hiker’s Pokéball came a large flash of light. A small lizard-like creature, light blue in color, emerged from the light. It had three “fins” on top of its head, and extremely muscular limbs.

“Machop Ma Ma chop!” said the Machop. <Alright! Its battle time! Prepare to get smashed puny boy!>

“Very well,” said Hawk nonchalantly, “You, my friend, will be the one getting smashed. Go, Ordario!”

Hawk tossed his Pokéball into the air, and the familiar form of Ordario emerged from the white light.

“MACHOP!?!” shouted the Machop, it was obviously startled. <How did you know what I said!?!>

“Machop, use Dynamicpunch!” said the fat hiker.

The Machop’s fist began to glow, and the brighter it got, the hotter the air around the area became.

“Well, Ordario, we practiced for a reason. GATOR-CHAIN!” shouted Hawk.

“NAAAWW!” shouted Ordario. <DRAGON DANCE!>

The familiar black and red clouds surrounded Ordario’s feet, and sparks erupted from his body. Small ice crystals spawned from his fists, and soon grew to softball-sized ice balls.

Ordario knelt down on all fours, “CROOOOOOCNAAAWW!” <GATOR-CHAIN!> Once again, Ordario disappeared into thin air.

“WHA!?!” exclaimed the hiker, stunned by Ordario’s blinding speed.

The Machop looked nervously around itself, searching for the Croconaw. Ordario appeared at the Machop’s left, and slammed him over the edge of the mountain with its right fist. Ordario disappeared again, and reappeared behind the Machop. Ordario slammed the Machop back to the mountain wall with his left fist, then, disappeared. Just as Machop was about to collide with the mountain-side, Ordario appeared above it with his fists clenched together like a hammer. Ordario’s fists came down on the Machop with massive force, sending the Machop hurtling toward the ground. The Machop’s face collided hard with the ground, making a loud, sickening, crack noise. The Machop was done, but Ordario wasn’t. Ordario fell on the Machop, preparing for step three.

“Machop, return!” shouted the hiker.

Ordario clenched red light as the fainted Machop returned to his Pokéball. Ordario turned to the hiker snarling.

“Croc naaaaw,” said Ordario. <You will regret that fat man.>

“NO, YOU WILL REGRET THAT YOU MINDLESS REPTILE!” screamed the hiker.

The hiker’s voice was no longer that of a human, it had a more sinister feel to it. The hiker grew fangs, then, with a quiet hiss, dissolved into sand and blew away with the wind.

“Well, that was creepy,” said Morgan.

“Noctowl Noct,” hooted Emily. <That hiker wasn’t a human, he was….something else.>

“Well, whatever he was, we’ve seen the last of him for awhile,” said Hawk.

The group walked toward the forest, spooked from the encounter with the hiker. As they neared the forest, thunder rumbled. This time though, it was blatantly audible. Strangely enough, no clouds were visible within range.

“Well that’s weird,” said Hawk.

“What did you think it was,” said Morgan, annoyed, “It’s pretty obvious that if you hear thunder and can’t see clouds, that something weird is going on.”

“Well calm down and don’t get your hair messed up,” said Hawk, also annoyed, “I have my observations, and if I want to say them, I darn well will.”

“Well you keep your observations that are totally unreasonable to yourself then,” said Morgan.

“Okay, then I guess I won’t tell you that a rock the size of a basketball is flying towards you at high speeds,” said Hawk.

“Wha?” said Morgan, turning around quickly.

And sure enough there was. When Morgan looked behind her, there was a basketball-sized rock flying towards her. There was nothing behind the rock though. It was as if it just flew out of a mountain side.

“Ordario, blast that Geodude with your Hydro Pump.”

Ordario cocked back his head, and released an enormous jet of water at the Geodude. The column of water made solid contact, and knocked the Geodude into a nearby tree.

“GEODUUUUDDE!” shouted the Geodude. <YOU MUST DIE!>

“Ordario, use Gator-Chain,” said Hawk, a slight sense of amusement in his voice.

The all too familiar red and black clouds sprung from Ordario’s feet, and sparks erupted from his body.

“NAAAWW!” shouted Ordario. <DRAGON DANCE!>

“DUDE DUDE GEODUDE!” screamed the Geodude, in a voice that was very…unGeodude-like. <YOU WILL WEAR YOURSELF DOWN, AND THEN I WILL MAKE YOU MY SLAVE!>

With that final announcement, the Geodude dissolved into sand and blew away with the wind. Much like the hiker had done minutes before.

“Alright, this is getting REALLY creepy,” said Morgan.

“Yeah,” said Hawk, “We better get through this forest before sundown.”

The group headed into the dark clump of trees, unaware of what lay ahead.

Behind them, an invisible, ominous presence lurked, watching their every move, listening to their every word. Slowly, but efficiently, planning its next dinner…
__________________
URPG

PiEaNdChIpS678 (10:48:49 PM): I found one
Mikey94028 (10:49:14 PM): is that
Mikey94028 (10:49:17 PM): who I think it is
husnainisme (10:49:25 PM): wailord
Mikey94028 (10:49:29 PM): o
Mikey94028 (10:49:34 PM): I thought it was dead

Last edited by Black Hawk; 03-18-2008 at 10:56 PM. Reason: Grammar errors
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  #2  
Old 03-03-2008, 12:30 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Posts: 2,058
Default Re: Gator-Chain Unleashed: Monkeyball Has an Aneurysm

---------------:::…:::---------------
Eterna Forest

The group entered through a worn, wooden archway. It was overgrown with ivy, and assorted poisonous plants. Beyond the threshold of the archway, lay a vast expanse of trees of varying sizes, laced with paths cut free of vegetation. The ground was covered with thick grass, and long weeds. Budews, and Wurmples scrambled from the path toward their homes in the trees. The Pokémon didn’t run at the sight of the trainers though, they were scrambling home because of a huge storm.

When the group was outside of the forests’ boundaries, the sky was completely, and utterly cloudless. When they entered the forest though, the sky was anything but cloudless. There were huge, rolling clouds in the sky. No blue was in sight anywhere in the forest. The sky was blanketed with pitch black clouds. The air of the forest was extremely foggy. Visibility was at a minimum. And to top it all off, the temperature in the air must have been fifteen or twenty degrees below what it was outside the forest.

Morgan shivered.

The group walked further into the forest, unaware of what was taking place several miles ahead of them…

---------------:::…:::---------------
The Plot


Several miles from the group’s current location, two Pokémon were debating in the conference room in a large house. The room was dimly lit, and half of it was completely blanketed in darkness. It smelled heavily of gasoline.

“But Master, do we have to harm the humans?” said a fat little creature in a feminine voice.

The thing that had just spoken was a three foot tall, plump creature. The upper half of its body was a goldenrod yellow color, and the lower half was brown. There was a wavy pattern separating the two colors. The creature had stubby legs, with two small feet that each had two toes, and a four inch long elephant-like nose. It also had two fairly short arms that didn’t seem to know what to do. It was seated nervously on a seat at a large conference table. This Drowzee also sounded very scared.

“Well, if you don’t want me to eat YOU, then you should be compliant, and do whatever it takes to bring them to me. Just be sure to split up the girl and the boy. They can be quite dangerous when they are together,” rasped an evil sounding voice. The voice seemed to be coming from the darkness that engulfed the other end of the large conference table.

“Well, what if I say I don’t WANT to do what you say huh?” shouted the Drowzee.

“You will do what I say you insolent brat,” as the voice said this, two large globes of light were illuminated from the dark end of the room. They glowed bright blue, and emitted a malevolent aura, “You WILL do as I say.”

“Yes, Master,” said the Drowzee in a monotone voice.

“Good, now that we are at an understanding, I COMMAND you to go split up the humans. I will handle the boy; you incapacitate the girl for my further consumption.”

“Yes, Master. Your word is law Master,” droned the Drowzee.

“Very well then Francine. Do well, and I may break your mind out from my control for several minutes. Meeting adjourned.”

As the voice commanded, the lights in the room went out. The steps of the entranced Drowzee echoed throughout the conference room, as she made her way out the door.

“Now then,” pondered the voice,” I have a storm to brew, and a hot-headed boy to eat.”

---------------:::…:::---------------
The Big Break Up


“We really need to hurry,” said Morgan nervously, “I can’t tell if it’s night or not.”

Above their heads, the storm boiled, and rolled. Thunder rumbled louder, and rain began to fall.

“Oh crap!” shouted Hawk, “I don’t have an umbrella!”

The storm kept getting worse. The black clouds got blacker somehow, and the rain fell harder. Lightning wove intricate webs across the black rolling canvas, creating pictures that could be seen if one looked hard enough. Hail fell too, large hail, the size of ping-pong balls. The wind picked up considerably. The rain was almost falling sideways, and leaves were flying across the sky, carried by the wind. Dirt from the forest path picked up, and began to swirl in mini-tornadoes, as sheets of rain swept the ground, as if looking for some lost item.

“That was…sudden,” stated Hawk.

“I had no clue storms could intensify that quickly,” said Morgan.

“Noctowl,” hooted Emily. <This storm isn’t natural.>

Ordario sniffed the air and nodded.

“How so Emily?” said Hawk, “What could possibly create a storm this large?”

“Owl,” hooted Emily calmly, nodding her head towards a small plump figure standing at a fork in the road, divided by two mountain walls. <That could.>

“Hello there humans,” though the Drowzee, transmitting its thoughts in to Hawk and Morgan’s minds, “I’m Francine, and I will be showing you around the forest today.”

“How did you get inside my head?” said Hawk.

“I can connect with you telepathically,” said Francine, “All I say to you, you can here in your own head. You have no need for those PokéTranslators.”

“Wait,” questioned Morgan, “How did you know about the PokéTranslators?”

“Oh, my master knows many things,” stated Francine, “He even knows which one of you he is going to eat first!”

“Wait, he wants to WHAT!?!” shouted Morgan.

Just as she exclaimed that, an enormous bolt of lightning descended from the sky, striking a nearby tree. This was no ordinary tree though; this tree was the size of a large house.

The tree fell, heading straight toward Hawk and Morgan. Morgan screamed as they both dove to either side of the tree to avoid the wooden death. The tree fell between them, dividing the path between them, so that the only way through was to lift up the tree. This was near impossible though, because the tree must have weighed several tons.

“HAWK!” shouted Morgan.

“MORGAN!” shouted Hawk.

“There is no way to pass,” thought Francine, “You must face my master, boy. You, girl, will deal with me.”

“Don’t worry Morgan,” shouted Hawk, “I’ll give this master guy his, and then I’ll come save you!”

“Okay Hawk, meet here.”

Hawk wandered off in the forest, towards a large mansion that seemed to rise above the forest a few miles away. Morgan followed Francine in the opposite direction, planning what she would do when they reached whatever destination they were heading towards…
__________________
URPG

PiEaNdChIpS678 (10:48:49 PM): I found one
Mikey94028 (10:49:14 PM): is that
Mikey94028 (10:49:17 PM): who I think it is
husnainisme (10:49:25 PM): wailord
Mikey94028 (10:49:29 PM): o
Mikey94028 (10:49:34 PM): I thought it was dead

Last edited by Black Hawk; 03-15-2008 at 01:25 PM. Reason: Cause i felt like it :p
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  #3  
Old 03-16-2008, 09:37 PM
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Default Re: Gator-Chain Unleashed: Monkeyball Has an Aneurysm

---------------:::…:::---------------
The Ultimatum


Hawk stared at the mansion ahead of him. It was looked three or four stories tall, and it was extremely wide. The house was surrounded by high mountain walls, so that it was as if it was built into the mountain wall. The mountain at the back of the house: however, was farther away from the house than the rest of the walls.

“That might mean there is an alcove back there,” thought Hawk.

The house was very sinister looking, and it had an evil aura to it. It was built of large brown bricks, with a red roof. Deep forest green trim ran along the edges of the house and the roof.

The door was wide open.

Hawk found this strange, but continued on into the house, assuming that this must be where Francine’s “master” was.

As Hawk and Ordario stepped over the door’s threshold, it slammed shut, and the loud sound of the rain colliding with the roof and surrounding area was muffled. The interior of the house smelled old for lack of a better word. It had a musty scent that closely resembled that of rotten wood.

A high-pitch squeak was heard from ahead of them. When they looked to see what it was, they saw that a door had been opened. Not much could be seen through the door through their dimly lit vantage point.

They walked toward the dark hole, wondering about what could be in it. Once again, they stepped across a door’s threshold and it shut behind them. They were in a large conference room. There was an extremely long table stretching from one end of the room to the other. On the opposite end of the room, there was a large portrait of man dressed in a tuxedo. A large monocle rested on his right eye, as he stared out of his portrait, and onto the table.

“MWUHAHAHAHAHA!”

“CROCONAW?” shouted Ordario. <What was that?>

“I don’t know Ordario,” said Hawk nervously, “But I don’t thi…”

“SHUT UP, BOY!” shouted a voice coming from the dark ceiling, “Your crocodile has the right idea. He is scared, and you should be as well. You have entered into my lair, and you will never escape.”

“Show yourself, coward!” shouted Hawk in reply.

“I normally don’t respond to such disrespectful comments from…from HUMANS,” the voice spat in disgust, “But, since you will be dealt with in a matter of minutes, it shall not be a problem.”

Out of the darkness came a small black cloud. It stopped movement at Hawk’s eye level, and the black cloud cleared away. Behind the black veil, was a set of two, large eyes, with black, beady pupils. These eyes were set upon a large black ball, about the size of a beach ball. Surrounding the black ball was a large cloud of purple mist. This Gastly was obviously amused at Hawk’s bold comment.

“I am Winston. Keeper of the Old Chateau, the building you are currently standing in, your tomb,” chuckled the Gastly.

“Wait, how come you can talk English?” questioned Hawk.

“Well, my dear boy, I have been in company of humans for several centuries. Do you think I would not have picked up at least one useful thing from your disgusting species?” questioned Winston the Gastly.

“Croconaw Croconaw,” stated Ordario. <Well, that makes sense I guess.>

Winston turned around, and stared at the large portrait at the other rend of the room.

“That was my master once. I admired him. He let me down in the end. I can’t tell you why, I don’t even know. He abandoned me 500 years ago. This is my house now. I intend to do what I want in it,” said Winston as he turned toward the duo, “You two have a choice. You will either be my slaves for eternity, or I will eat you right here in this room.”


---------------:::…:::---------------


“I wonder where she is taking us,” said Morgan.

“Noctowl,” hooted Emily. <I believe that clearing right ahead of us.>

Just above the group, there was a clearing in the forest. It was the size of a football field, and was covered with two inch high grass, as if it had been prepared.

“Here is where you will fight for your life Morgan,” said Francine through Morgan’s thoughts.

“Wait, before you begin, tell me why. Why do you obey your master? What is he?”

“Well, I do believe I have enough time to tell you,” said Francine.

She blinked a few times. She was shrugging off Winston’s control.

“It all happened twelve years ago…”

***---:::---***

I was sitting in my den. It was built in a small cave by my master’s mansion. It was warm and always bright because the entrance faced the rising sun. It was small, but it suited both me and my mother. She was a beautiful Hypno. She had a wonderful white mane, and the best pendulum you’ll ever see. She was tall, and her skin was the purest yellow ever.

That fateful day, she had gone out to collect Oran and Sitrus berries for our daily meals. I had stayed behind, as usual, to practice my psychic skills. I waited in the den for two days levitating pebbles and such, when I realized she wasn’t coming back.

I sat in the den and cried for days. I lost count. One day, a Gastly came by. He told me his name was Winston. He also told me my mother had sent him to get me. I believed him, and followed him out of the den to the Old Chateau.

When I arrived, it was in a run-down condition. It was so messy. I told Winston I would clean it up if he gave me food to eat, and he agreed. I worked as his maid for several years, until one day.

One day, he went out, and I didn’t see him for the next week. He came back and his attitude was different. He was mean, and less polite. He stopped feeding me too. I had to go get my own food.

Eventually, he started to eat…he started to eat...HUMANS! He told me to go fetch them when he thought they entered into the forest. At first I didn’t know what he did with them. Until recently, I didn’t know he actually ATE them. I figured out one day though. I walked into the conference room because I thought he called me. I saw him licking a pile of dry…..HUMAN BONES!

***---:::---***

“I was disgusted. I told him I would no longer serve him. That was my mistake. Ever since then, he has kept me under mind control. I have broken out though. SAVE ME!” sobbed Francine.

“Well, if you want me to,” said Morgan hesitantly, as she drew out a Pokéball.

“Hurry! I sense he knows the control is broken. He will regain in several seconds!” shouted Francine.

“Ok then, Go Pokéball!” shouted Morgan.

The red and white ball hurtled toward Francine. Just before it made contact, Francine extended her hand. Using her psychic powers, she stopped the ball in mid-air.

“You are too late human. He has regained control. Prepare to be eaten,” exclaimed Francine.

Francine’s eyes glowed bright blue, and the Pokéball shot out at Emily. It made solid contact right in-between Emily’s eyes. Emily fell down to the ground, surprised from the projectile.

“A decision has been offered to your friend, girl. The same is extended to you. Will you serve Winston, my master, or will you be eaten?” Francine asked.

---------------:::…:::---------------
The Answer


“Well, I have my answer Winston,” said Hawk, stealing a glance at Ordario and winking.

“Croconaw Naw. CROCNAAAWW!” shouted Ordario. <Yup, and here it is. GATOR-CHAIN>

“NAAAWW!” red and black clouds of mist rose from the ground around Ordario, obscuring him from sight. When the mist cleared, Ordario wasn’t there.

“Well,” chuckled Winston, “I do believe your crocodile has further developed his technique. I do know what will happen though, Hawk.”

Winston turned to his left, expecting the attack, but it didn’t come…from the left that is.

Ordario materialized below Winston, and with a powerful uppercut from his ice covered fist, blasted him through the ceiling towards the floors above. Ordario immediately materialized right below the ceiling, and shot Winston straight back down to the floor. Winston slammed into the conference room table, snapping it in half. Ordario landed on him, preparing to grab Winston for the Super Power.
Ordario’s hand went right through Winston as he chuckled, “Silly crocodile. Do you seriously think that this will work? I have been observing this technique just as long as you have been practicing it. Nevertheless, it is my turn now.”

Winston rose through Ordario’s hand and into the air so that he was six or seven feet above the ground. Winston’s eyes glowed bright blue. Simultaneously, a blue aura engulfed Ordario, and he was lifted above the ground. Winston laughed maniacally as he contorted Ordario’s body into all sorts of unnatural positions. Ordario whimpered and roared at the same time, creating a somewhat awkward and sickening noise.

Winston eased his psychic hold on Ordario and giggled. The second Ordario felt Winston’s hold let up, he fell to the ground, and immediately shot back up to him preparing a monstrous ice punch attack.

Winston, not expecting the attack, met the fist head on and flew out the conference room wall. He continued crashing through walls because Ordario was enraged and put much force into his punch.

“Well, that settles that,” said Hawk.

“Croconaw,” panted Ordario. <If he gets up, I’m gonna eat him.>

Through the numerous holes in the walls separating the conference room and the room Winston had settled in, Hawk noticed a huge pile of debris bulge. Chunks of plaster fell of the pile, and a shattered set of a medieval knight’s armor rolled around the base. A loud growl resonated through the hallways of the Chateau. The pile burst open, and there hovered Winston.

He was covered with dust. He looked like…a ghost. He was obviously very angry as he floated back in to the conference room.

He eyed Ordario up and down and said, “Well, crocodile, it looks like I will eat you first.”

Ordario stole a glance at Hawk and winked.

“NO ORADRIO! You can’t! You’ve used it too much, he’ll kill you!” Hawk shouted, but it was too late. Ordario was using Gator-Chain.

“NAAAWW!” red and black clouds sprung from the floor around him. Once again, it obscured sight of the crocodile, and when it cleared he was no longer visible.

“I heard your friend ramble and ramble Hawk. I know what will happen now. Ordario will use his muscle tissue. Then what will he hit me with, floppy limbs? It’s over, boy.”

“No, It may not be,” mumbled Hawk, too quiet to be heard, “There’s still…Monkeyball.” Hawk eyed the other Pokéball on his belt sheepishly.

“MWAHAHAHAHA! IT”S OVER CROCODILE! THUNDERBOLT!” laughed Winston.

His eyes lit up, but this time they were yellow. The house rumbled, and a small cloud formed several feet below the high ceiling. Electrons pulsed through the black puffs of the cloud, and descended in a huge bolt toward the blue reptile. The bolt made contact with Ordario, pulsed around his body and jumped over to Hawk.

Hawk made a feeble scream as the bolt pulsed around his body, drawing out his life force.

“Must…release…Monkeyball,” whispered Hawk, as he pressed the white button on the red and white spherical device in his right hand.

A crimson beam was released onto the top of the broken conference table. Out of the light emerged a small figure that stood about two feet tall. It had light tan fur covering its spherical body, and the extremities of its limbs were stretched over with dark brown skin. It had small eyes and an up-turned, pig-like nose.

“Mankey Mankey,” grumbled Monkeyball. <Finally, you released me from that hell pit.>

“Monkeyball…you have to beat Winston…I’m counting on you,” whispered Hawk feebly as he passed out.

“MANKEY MAN?” shouted Monkeyball. <What? What happened to that blasted reptile?>

“He is over there, you mindless monkey,” said Winston condescendingly, nodding his head toward the passed out crocodile.

“Mankey, Mankey Man Key Key Mankey,” retorted Monkeyball. <Well then, it looks like you worthy of my time. Prepare to die.>

“I think not monkey. I shall eat you too. Oh, I must make sure my servant stays under my control shouldn’t I,” Winston’s eyes glowed blue, “Francine, do as you’re told. You, monkey, prepare yourself.


__________________
URPG

PiEaNdChIpS678 (10:48:49 PM): I found one
Mikey94028 (10:49:14 PM): is that
Mikey94028 (10:49:17 PM): who I think it is
husnainisme (10:49:25 PM): wailord
Mikey94028 (10:49:29 PM): o
Mikey94028 (10:49:34 PM): I thought it was dead

Last edited by Black Hawk; 03-16-2008 at 09:40 PM.
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  #4  
Old 03-16-2008, 09:42 PM
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Black Hawk Offline
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Default Re: Gator-Chain Unleashed: Monkeyball Has an Aneurysm

---------------:::…:::---------------
The Final Battle


“I will answer just as Hawk would, Francine,” said Morgan nervously, “I say no.”

“You have made a horrible mistake girl,” chuckled Francine, “THUNDER WAVE!”

The dark rolling mass above them rumbled and boiled over. Huge arcs of electricity laced through the clouds as if guided by a master weaver. Finally, a huge crack resonated within the forest, and a bolt of lightning shot down towards Emily and Morgan.

“Emily, I’ll let you call the moves in this. I’ll just stay out ok?”

“Noctowl. NOCTOWL!” hooted Emily. <Yes, please, Morgan. REFLECT!>

An enormous purple barrier materialized in front of Emily. It was a light translucent purple, and the screen itself looked like a mirror. The lightning bolt made contact with the barrier and shattered. The barrier halted the bolt completely, now Emily had an advantage.

“Noctowl Noctowl!” hooted Emily angrily. <Fire Style: Hidden Power Attack!>

Emily took off of the ground with a huge sweep of her wings. She soared just above the tree line toward Francine, her eyes lighting up red. Just as she was directly above Francine, she dove. Emily tucked in her wings, and hurtled straight down toward the yellow elephant. Francine chuckled as she used her psychic powers to quickly sidestep the dive bomb. Just as she stepped to the side though, Emily pulled up and released a horrifying screech. It was extremely loud and made leafs fall off of the surrounding trees. A huge column of flame erupted from Emily’s beak, and small fireballs shot out in all directions. The fireballs all stopped in midair, and flew toward Francine.

“Gah!” shouted Francine as she was stricken by the numerous balls of white hot flame, “I have my own, bird. Lightning Style: Hidden Power Attack!”

Once again, the clouds boiled over, and lightning laced through them. An enormous bolt descended in the blink of an eye. Emily’s screech of pain could be heard throughout the forest…

---------------:::…:::---------------

“OOOOOOWWWLL!” The entire house rumbled from the sound of the cry.

“My, I do believe your trainer’s companion’s Pokémon has been hurt,” chuckled Winston, “You will follow suit. ENERGY BALL!”

A ball of green light formed in the Gastly’s mouth, growing bigger and bigger. Winston roared and released it toward Monkeyball.

“Mankey MAN!” screeched Monkeyball hysterically. <Oh yeah? ASSURANCE!>

Monkeyball dove towards the glowing green orb. When they collided, a huge explosion rumbled the house. Winston chuckled, but then stared in dismay at the green orb soaring at him at an unbelievable speed. In the explosion, Monkeyball had caught the ball and thrown it back at Winston. The ball made contact and Winston flew backwards several yards. He immediately recovered; however, and flew calmly toward Monkeyball.

“You know, Monkey? I believe you deserve worse than being eaten or my servant. I will put you to sleep forever, and torture you for eternity,” chuckled Winston evilly, “Prepare to experience my hypnosis.”

Winston’s eyes illuminated that same malevolent blue as they did with Francine. Monkeyball stared into the globes, losing himself in the wonderful light.

“Yes,” chanted Winston in a very deep voice, “You will fall away in my eyes. You will fall away from all you know, and you will be mine Mwuhahahahaha.”

Monkeyball stumbled backward. His eyes began to grow heavy. He plopped up against a wall next to Ordario.

“Man…Key…Mankey Mankey,” he droned weakly, then, he passed out. <I…tried Hawk…did better than you, filthy cro…>

---------------:::…:::---------------

“EMILY!” cried Morgan in despair.

The owl lay motionless on the forest floor. Its wings were charred black and small arcs of electricity laced around its body.

“It’s hopeless girl. The owl is dead,” said Francine, “There is nothing you can do.”

Emily’s body flickered, and vanished into nothing.

“WHAT THE…?” shouted Francine, but she was cut off by an earsplitting scream.

Francine turned around and met Emily’s head. Francine was launched into a nearby tree. The tree snapped in half and fell on top of her.

“EMILY!” shouted Morgan, overjoyed.

“Noctowl Noct Owl Owl Noctowl,” hooted Emily. <I am no dim wit Francine. I expected that; therefore, I used a double team attack.>

The snapped tree trunk rose off of the ground. There, under the trunk was Francine. Her eyes were a bright, luminescent red, and of course, she looked angry. She used her psychic powers and hurled the tree at Emily. Emily quickly threw up a reflect attack. The tree shattered the reflect attack, but its forward momentum was halted.

“Noctowl!” hooted Emily loudly. <Nightshade!>

Francine shouted, “Thunderpunch!”

Emily quadrupled in size, so that she was as tall as the trees in the area. Large arcs of electricity pulsed around Francine’s hands. The air around Francine began to smell like smoke because the large quantities of electrical charge burned the surrounding particles, combusting all matter they were made up of.

Emily flew up high in the air, preparing to dive bomb Francine with an Aerial Ace. Francine was ready though. She used her Thunderpunch attack to attract lightning from the sky down to her fist. A bolt of lightning descended toward Francine, and passed through Emily once again. Emily’s Nightshade faded and she was severely damaged.

“Noctowl Noctowl,” hooted Emily angrily. <I will finish this now.>

Emily opened her beak and a huge orb of yellow energy formed in her mouth. Arcs of orange electricity pulsed around the ball. Francine recognized this. She cocked her hands behind her back, cupping them as if she were holding a ball. Another orb, the size of a basketball, materialized in her hands. It was a dark purple color with a black core. Green arcs of electricity pulsed around Francine’s orb. The dirt covering the clearing they were fighting in rose off of the ground. All sorts of stones and dirt hovered several feet off of the ground, and the lightning rumbled furiously…

---------------:::…:::---------------

“Man…Mankey?” <Where am I?>

Monkeyball had awoken in the same conference room. It was much different though. The conference table was in one piece, and the walls were no longer pockmarked with the holes that Winston had been launched through. Hawk’s body, as well as Ordario, was not in sight.

“You are in MY realm, monkey,” said Winston, the voice coming from nowhere, “You are under my control now. You are dreaming, my dear monkey. Of course, this dream is under my control. Feel free to explore the house. I will come at intervals to torture you. MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Monkeyball rose from the wall, and trotted to the large door. It opened without his help, and he wandered into the main room. It was dark, but not enough that visibility was interrupted. A maniacal laugh resonated throughout the mansion. Monkeyball was stricken with immense pain. His limbs felt as if they were being impaled by numerous needles, and his head felt like it was being crushed under a boulder.

“MANKEY!” panted Monkeyball, “Mankey Man Man Key!” <WINSTON, when I get my hands on you, I’ll kill you!>

“Don’t make me laugh, monkey,” chuckled Winston, “There is nothing you can do.”

Monkeyball grumbled as he ascended the large staircase. He pushed open a door that led to one of the many bedrooms of the house, and began searching. At first, he didn’t know what he was searching for, but the more he searched, the more he wanted to find it. Monkeyball felt like somewhere in the house, Winston inhabited some object so that he could communicate with him. The Mankey was searching for an object with the same malevolent aura he felt when he lost himself in Winston’s eyes.

Monkeyball entered the master bedroom. The instant he entered, he experienced the most intense pain he had ever experienced. He felt as if his fur was torn off, and He was being stabbed everywhere with rusty daggers. On top of it all, the headache. Oh, it was the worst headache he had ever had. The more the pain increased, the angrier Monkeyball became. Veins were visible on his head. His blood pressure was so high; his veins were threatening to pop.

“Mankey Mankey Mankey,” panted Monkeyball furiously. <I know you’re in here.>

“Don’t bother, monkey. You will find nothing in here.”

Monkeyball’s pain worsened. He stumbled through the room and reached a dresser. He took a stone statue off of the dresser, and smashed it into pieces on a nearby wall. Just then, he heard Winston screech in pain. Monkeyball was nailed with a surge of pain so great, he blacked out.

---------------:::…:::---------------

“NOCTOWL!” <HYPER BEAM!>

“PSYCHIC!” shouted Francine.

Two beams shot forth out of their respective orbs in each of the combatant’s possession. The beams met in the middle of the clearing, and created a huge explosion. Trees were torn out of the ground, and an enormous crater formed under the beams’ collision point. When the smoke cleared, the beams were still fighting. It was as if each beam wanted to beat the other. Pulses of energy slid down each one, and when they collided with the other, they pushed it back. Both the beams were doing this however, so the winner would probably be whoever ran out of energy first.

Several minutes later, both the Pokémon were sweating furiously. The beams kept coming, but they were weakening.

“C’mon Emily, you can do this!” shouted Morgan, “We have to save Hawk!”

The beams continued going on and on. Then, Francine broke concentration when a huge bolt of lightning struck a tree several yards from her current location. Emily saw her chance, and released all of the power she had in the Hyper Beam. A huge bulge of yellow energy pulsed down the beam. It smashed into Francine’s Psychic, and shoved it back towards Francine. When Francine saw it coming, she panicked, and this made her beam weaker. The pulse surged down her beam and into her body. It short-circuited her brain, and she passed out.

Morgan came out yelling, “Yay! We did it Emily!”

“Noct…Owl,” hooted Emily weakly. <Catch her.>

Morgan blinked and began to cry as she watched Emily pass out.

“I’ll do it for you Emily,” she cried, as she threw the red and white orb at Francine.

It wiggled once…Twice…

---------------:::…:::---------------
Anger’s Point


Monkeyball woke up in the conference room, but this time, the table was broken and the holes were there. Winston was hovering several feet away from his face.

“You insolent monkey! I shall kill you now!”

Winston’s eyes illuminated a bright green color. Monkeyball experienced horrible pain yet again.

He withstood the pain though, and staring Winston straight in the eyes said, “Your mine now.”

Deep inside of Monkeyball’s head, his brain was deep at work of processing a plan. An immense surge of pain pulsed through it, and a blood vessel already weakened from the high blood pressure popped. Blood splattered all over the inside of his head, but he felt nothing except anger.

“Mankey Mankey,” he panted, “Mankey. MANKEY! PRIMANKEY! PRIMEAPE!” <You have put me through so much, I will return the favor. Mankey, evolve to…PRIMEAPE!

An enormous white light enshrouded Monkeyball. When it cleared, many changes had affected his body. Monkeyball tripled in size. His ball-like torso grew longer fur, his limbs elongated as well. Small metal bands materialized around his wrists and ankles, and boxing gloves formed on his hands.

“Primeape. Primeape Prime, Ape. Primeape Primeape,” said Monkeyball calmly. <I win. It is over Winston, I have reached the fabled Anger Point. My power has been increased tenfold.>

“WHAT? You don’t stand a chance,” said Winston, “I am immune to your attacks.”

As he said this, Winston faded into the dark of the conference room, shielding himself from the mortal range of visibility.

“Prime, Ape. Prime!” shouted Monkeyball. <Yeah, sure. Foresight!>

Monkeyball’s eyes emitted an eerie red mist which enshrouded the entire conference room. Winston was made visible, hiding just above the conference table.

“Primeape Primeape,” said Monkeyball, “Primeape Prime. Primeape.” <You are no longer immune to my attacks. Prepare to feel my wrath.>

Monkeyball disappeared just as Ordario had done when doing the Gator-Chain technique. Winston was surprised by this, and became very nervous. Monkeyball materialized behind him, and landed an extremely powerful punch right on Winston’s left cheek. Winston hurtled toward the back of the conference room and shattered the wall. He continued his movement until he met the wall of a cliff in the alcove at the back of the Chateau. He slid down the wall and lay on the ground, dazed.

“Primeape Primeape Primeape Primeape,” said Monkeyball. <Well, I suppose I could do my own corny little combo.>

‘Oh no, please, no,” pleaded Winston.

“Prime,” chuckled Monkeyball, “Primeape Ape, Prime?” <Hey, no mercy, right?>

Monkeyball walked over to Winston, put his right hand on his face, and threw him in the air. Monkeyball disappeared and immediately reappeared behind Winston and unloaded a Close Combat on him. His limbs moved so fast, it was as if there were one hundred. Monkeyball allowed Winston to plummet back down to the ground, while his right fist glowed white. The air around Monkeyball grew extremely hot.

“Oh, no more!” cried Winston.

“Prime Ape,” said Monkeyball as he descended straight down toward Winston, “PRIMEAPE!” <Oh, there’s more. DYNAMIC PUNCH!>

Monkeyball released all of his force into that punch. It landed solidly right on Winston’s face, and upon contact, created an enormous explosion. Flames erupted from the point of impact, creating a huge blazing inferno that roiled about for several seconds.

Winston lay unconscious on the ground as Monkeyball trotted back inside the gaping wall of the Chateau. He returned dragging Hawk’s body with him. He pulled his body up to Winston, and pushed Hawk’s belt to Winston so that a Pokéball touched him.

The orb shot out a translucent crimson beam that engulfed Winston, and pulled him in.

“Prime, Primeape Ape,” said Monkeyball. <Wow. Hawk had better love me for this.>

The small, red, and white orb wiggled once…Twice…


------------------------


Desired Pokémon: Drowzee and Gastly
Difficulty Level: Medium and Hard respectively
Character Count: 47,000 (approximately)

I am ready for 'le grade.

I believe Kat has this.

__________________
URPG

PiEaNdChIpS678 (10:48:49 PM): I found one
Mikey94028 (10:49:14 PM): is that
Mikey94028 (10:49:17 PM): who I think it is
husnainisme (10:49:25 PM): wailord
Mikey94028 (10:49:29 PM): o
Mikey94028 (10:49:34 PM): I thought it was dead

Last edited by Black Hawk; 03-19-2008 at 12:07 AM.
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  #5  
Old 03-20-2008, 12:32 AM
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Default Re: Gator-Chain Unleashed: Monkeyball Has an Aneurysm

Hello there. =3

Plot: Hawk and Morgan are traveling to Eterna City after Hawk and his Croconaw practiced their “Gator-Chain”: a combination of attacks that provide a deadly result. However, as they travel through the forest after leaving he Pokemon Center, they encounter two beings that are nothing but sand. Miles from them, two beings are plotting, one not as enthusiastic but later controlled by her master, a Gastly named Winston. This Pokemon, a female Drowzee by the name of Francine, goes and meet Hawk and Morgan. She separates them by a huge tree and Morgan and her Noctowl, Emily, are left to battle. Hawk and Ordario go into the Old Chateu where they face Winston, Ordario looses and out come Monkeyball who, after a harsh battle in dreamland, evolves into Primeape and beats Winston.

At first, I thought this was going to be cliché but I was happily surprised that it wasn’t. It was original and even though I’ve read about a Gastly eating creatures by trapping them, this was different in a good way. The ending was interesting since I first thought that Hawk and Ordrio were going to beat Winston with their Gator-Chain that they worked on in the beginning of the story but I was pleasantly surprised that Monkeyball was the one to save the day (well, for his own personal reasons).

There were some instances in where I had to blink twice to get what was going on. For example, you never really explained about the mountain trainer and the Geodude or why Monkeyball escaped Winston‘s dreamland. I think that the trainer and the Geodude were like spirits of the creatures the Gastly had eaten in the past but I’m not sure if that’s what they are. ^^; Just make sure you tie all loose ends of your story by the time the capture comes unless you’re going to continue the story and answer all unanswered questions there.

Introduction: Hawk and Morgan are outside practicing Ordario’s Gator-Chain and soon, they go to the Pokemon Center.

The introduction was nice yet a bit bland. I like how the intro began with the Gator-Chain, it suddenly drew my attention yet the description was the bland part of it. You described Hawk and Morgan well but you did it in almost one sentence. Just make sure you work in your description more smoothly and not all at once. The way you describe Hawk’s blonde hair and his slim frame by having Morgan looking up from her book was good, do that throughout your intro, not all the beginning. For the description, just take it a little bit more slowly, don’t spout all of it in the beginning but spread it out throughout the intro.

Also, you didn’t introduce your surroundings. Where were they? In a park, right outside a gym? We need to see the characters and the surroundings, not just the characters. Just as your describe attacks and people, describe what’s around them, it’s very important so that your readers don’t get lost after a few paragraphs of your story.

Grammar/Spelling: This section as okay, there were a couple of typos here and there but nothing that stood out glaringly at me. There is one thing I saw throughout your story I need to point out:

Quote:
“See, Morgan? It’ll work this time.”
Sometimes you didn’t remember this (mostly in the beginning) and sometimes you did. When one character is addressing another, you need a comma before the name of the character that is being addressed like how I corrected above.

Quote:
“Me ‘n Ordario have been working on this for the past 5 hours. Of course, the wind might affect it.”
All numbers below a 100 need to be spelled out so “5 hours” should be “five hours”.

And last but not least, just make sure you read over your story more than once to catch all those nasty typos. With long stories like this one, I like to do it by chapter instead of all at once. ^^

Length: Nice, overachiever. Keep up the good work. =3

Description/Detail: You did pretty well in this area, especially when it came to describing attacks and the like. The words you used to describe actions and the people really made this story come to life and kept this story from being just another story thing I had grade. XP

I suggest that you describe the characters more as you go along in your story. If you say Hawk has blonde hair in once sentence in the very beginning yet not mention it at all throughout the story, more than like, people will forget what the characters look like even though you described them before. As characters do actions, describe their hair, their clothes, their skin color, etc. This goes for Pokemon as well, as they attack, you can describe their fur color or unique features about them (the red cheeks of a Pikachu, the stripes of an Elekid, etc.). Just sneak in some description when characters talk or do actions. Also, instead of saying their names, you can put something along the lines of “The red-headed teen” or “the blue-eyed trainer”.

I also think that you can add a bit more description to your surroundings, especially the inside of the Chateau. Just like how said above, sneak in some description about the surroundings as stuff happens. For example, maybe you describe the peeling purple paint on the walls as Winston crashed through them. Remember, you always need to paint a picture in our mind, not just in the beginning.

Battle: This is, without a doubt, your strongest area. Throughout your story, there were battles (and they weren’t randomly inserted battles that had had no relevance to the plot at all) and they were exciting to read. Even though Gator-Chain was used quite a lot, it did not become boring because of you how you edited (like coming in from a different direction). They were two-sided which is always good.

All I can say is that you add a bit more color into your battles. Describe what an attack and the Pokemon looks like using your senses such as hearing, sight, etc. Tell us how a Thunder Punch sounds like upon impact or how Winston looked like after that Dynamic Punch. Don’t just describe the attacks but also how the Pokemon looked like afterwards. Was a bruise forming on their face or did they now have a limp?

Also, don’t forget to incorporate your surroundings a little bit more. Maybe Monkeyball used a table to smash Winston, etc. Just something small that you can keep in mind.

Outcome: Well, this was borderline with some things. The plot was nice despite a few weird instances and while the introduction was sort of weak with the lack of surroundings, the rest of the story was better described and plus, you had the extra 17K helping you out. So, after mulling it for a while and just looking over the story, I have to say: Drowzee and Gastly captured!

You deserve them for I can see you put a lot of work into this. Just remember to tie up all loose ends in your story so as to not leave the reader wondering and to paint us a picture slowly but of everything. I hope you take my advice and put it to good use ‘cause you a great writer and you can become better (which is why I sort of nitpicked in the grade ‘cause you’re ready to go more in depth in your stories). Have fun with your Pokemon! ^_^

- Kat
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