Vendanturf Town in Hoenn has been constantly disturbed by noises in Vendanturf Tunnel. A young teenager named Clint Stuart also is aggravated by the noises, until one day he wakes up and finds his neighbors pestering him to enter the cave and resolve the disturbance once and for all.
Clint is a little frightened, but the possibility of becoming a hero of the village is too much to refuse, and enters the cave upon the pressure of his village. Upon entering the stone cave, he finds a large army of Whismurs, screaming in agony at him. He is flabbergasted, before being challenged to a battle by the head Whismur and evidentally attempting to catch it.
Wonderful plot, it really is. I loved how you incorporated the in-game conflicts of the shrieking Whismur with your story’s plot, as well as making it original. Not your average ‘kid starts his journey, walks into a forest’ plot, and I commend you for that with such a simple Pokemon. I also liked how you made use of Whismur’s natural in-game habitat, although, that kind of also brought the story down a bit. You should try and venture out and find new, creative ways of finding Pokemon, not just in the place where it’s most common to find them. ^^
It was fine, for the most part. Although, I’m a big fan of hooking the reader in with the very first sentence, and your story started off very.. Average. Introducing the main character in the very first sentence when waking up from a sleep? That’s kind of common, don’t you think? Introductions that catch people’s eyes are the best types of ones, and that’s pretty much the main aspect of your story I feel you should improve on.
However, I may be acting harsh - you described the character nicely, as well as introducing the basic location, reasoning and characters of the story. So, well done.
You covered it yourself, pretty much. Whismur, being a Simple Pokemon to catch, requires 5 - 10 k of characters. Your story is roughly 5 k, only barely scraping the minimum quantity of characters. That’s fine, by my standards.
However, I believe that quality > quantity, and other graders may not see it like that. You should always try and make your story half way between the maximum and minimum amount, to really secure the capture. ^^
Excellent. Your grasp on grammar is very good, and the grammar section is probably the strongest part of your entire story. Well done. There really isn’t anything major or heartbreaking that I need to point out, but, there are a few things you should keep in mind for future stories:
His emo black hair was a mess, and he had been tossing and turning all night.
Try to avoid using popular slang in literate stories, such as the word ‘emo’. It’s not actually in the dictionary, or is a terminology of any sorts apart from a popular stereotype, so it should be avoidable in stories. You could have used many other adjectives instead of ‘emo’ such as: ‘gothic’ or ‘depressing’. Show off your vocabulary. ^^
“Um, I don’t know how to tell you this,” Wally answered, “but the people here in Verdanturf want you to go into the tunnel ….. [blah blah blah]
The rule is that when you interrupt a speech to enter who is actually saying it, is that that is the end of the sentence. So, after ‘answered’ there should be a full stop, and ‘but’ should be the start of a new sentence (but I would avoid starting a sentence with a joining word like ‘but’ :P)
“Whismur, Whismur. Murrrr!” It ordered, whatever that meant.
You have a great grasp on the comma -> speech marks principal (there are so many people that don’t!), but here is one little error that you need to pick up. Even though there is an exclamation mark, not a comma, the same principal still applies that it is in the same sentence as the following. So, ‘It ordered’ should be without the capital ‘I’. ^^
Oh, and one last thing - ‘Pokemon’ has a capital ‘P’. Keep that in mind, and you’ll be all set! XD
For a simple level Pokemon, your description was really great! Very much above average! You have a great vocabulary of describing words, which shines through in your descriptive story, so well done!
However, as much as your description is great in the sense of figurative description, a lot of the basic stuff is missing, or is below the standard you set for yourself. Descriptions of characters, for example. You had hardly any description for Azumarill except for the fact that it was blue coloured. And what about the Whismurs? You had great description for their hygiene state, but none for their actual Pokemon appearance. You should always describe Pokemon as though no one has seen one of them before - but not over-the-top, just slight references like the small description of Azumarill’s colour, but spread out throughout the story.
It’s as though your description is so advanced that you’re missing out on the most important chunks of description. :P So, keep that in mind.
Overall, a great story to read. Nice plot, excellent grammar, very nice description - I say that it’s enough to catch the little pink, indignant Whismur! :P. So - Whismur caught