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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 03-20-2008, 01:39 AM
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Default A Bug In My Cereal

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Pokemon Caterpie

Caleb woke up in his bed the beginning of the day. The sun shone bright in his eyes dark brown eyes making them look lightish-brown. He shook his long black hair and matted it down to normal and pushed it out of his eyes. He stood up and got some clean clothes out and went to go get ready for the day. A little while later he came out of the bathroom and went and got his hat. He slid down the railing of his stairs and hit the floor with a thud. “Oof…” He said hitting the floor, he then stood up and shook off the pain. He got his green hoodie and put it over is black shirt. “Mornin mom!” He said happily walking into the kitchen.

“Good morning sweetie!” She said smiling. “I made you waffles some cereal and toast and bacon. There is also some milk and juice for your drink and cereal.” She said focusing on her own waffles. She then flipped some bacon onto a plate and handed it to Caleb. “Here you are Hun!”

“Thank you mother…” Caleb said sticking a piece of hot bacon in his mouth. “Ahhhh!” Caleb screamed running around the room. “Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot!” He screamed running like a mad man.

“Be careful honey its hot!” She said a little late watching her clueless son run around the room. Caleb grabbed the milk carton and chugged almost the entire thing.

“Ahhh…” He said in relief. “That feels so much better now that I drank some milk…” He said smiling and pouring the rest of the milk into his cereal bowl. Caleb ate some more bacon but blew on it for a little while. “I’m okay mom!” He said informing his mother. He then got his spoon and dipped it in his bowl of cheerios. He took a bite and chewed it closing his eyes. “Mmm that’s good cheerios!” He said. He then got another spoonful and put it up to his mouth. He opened his eyes slowly before sticking the spoon in his mouth. He came face to face with a small bug-like Pokemon. They just stared at each other for a little bit.

“Wrraar?” The small Pokemon said confused.

“M-mom… are there supposed to be bugs in my chocolate covered cheerios?” He asked still holding the small bug on the spoon.

“Dear… I didn’t give you cheerios.. She said quietly and not even paying attention to Caleb. “I gave you some Cocoa Puffs.” She said washing a pan.

“Oh!” Caleb said. Well then this little bug has been eating our Cocoa Puffs..” Caleb said before having a spaz attack and launching the poor little bug Pokemon to his mom. “OH MYGOD!!” Caleb screamed running around again.

“What are you spazzing about this time son?” She asked angrily and then saw the flying bug and grabbed Caleb by the shirt. “Son its just a Caterpie… why don’t you and your Charmander go try to catch it?” She said dragging Caleb out and calling Caleb’s faithful starter Pokemon Charmander to go outside with them. She threw the three of them outside and shut and locked the door. Charmander was a small orange lizard Pokemon with a large flame on its tail that always seemed to be bright and big.

Caleb looked at Charmander then at the bug. “So, your just a Caterpie huh?” He said looking at the rather small wimpy looking bug. “Okay then I will try to catch you little buggy. “ He said getting and evil grin on his face. “Okay Charmander go get that Caterpie!” He said jumping up. The Caterpie tried to run away but failed when Charmander jumped in front of it.

“Wraaa?!” The small little bug cried and backed up.

“Charmander use scratch!” Caleb said hesitant to use a fire type attack. The lizard ran up to the bug and scratched it with its sharp claws. “Alright!” Caleb said watching the Caterpie fly back. The small Pokemon got back up and charged at the Charmander, but instead Charmander merely just stepped out of the way and watched the little rampaging Pokemon run past it. “Charmander while its distracted use ember!” Caleb shouted. Charmander opened its mouth and little bits of fire spewed out of it.

“Charrr!” It cried having little fire bits shoot out and head directly for Caterpie. The Caterpie looked back and saw the bits of fire shooting right at it. The small bug Pokemon’s eyes widened and it ran even faster than before but still got hit.

“Naaaa!” The Caterpie screamed in agony. Its behind seemed to be on fire and the Caterpie just ran back and fourth . A sweat drop rolled down Caleb’s neck watching this pathetic first battle he fought. The flame on the worms pokemon sort of made it seem like a Charmander. As the screaming worm ran, the flames engulfed its body even more. He sort of felt bad for the little bug.

“I think Charmander burned it…” He said quietly to himself. He then went back to paying attention to the battle. “The Caterpie almost seemed ready. “Okay lemme see if I can do this.” Caleb said excited to see if he would catch it. He grabbed a Red and White Pokeball and threw it at Caterpie. The ball hit the worm and the flames dissapeared with the Caterpie and they were both sucked into the ball. The Pokeball hit the ground with a thud and started shaking rapidly. One shake... Two shake....
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Last edited by General Dunsparce; 05-12-2008 at 12:18 PM.
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  #2  
Old 03-24-2008, 11:17 PM
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Default Re: A Bug In My Cereal

Ready for the grading :D
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  #3  
Old 05-13-2008, 01:45 AM
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Default Re: A Bug In My Cereal

Sorry about your wait!

Introduction: Well, there's a nice little introduction of Caleb here, with a pretty basic description. However, it's missing a few elements. For example, you don't really go into the setting much. That's important, because it gives the reader an idea of where the character is. And, when the space is as personal as a bedroom, it can give us an insight to the character's personality. I would also suggest getting into the character's description itself a bit more as well, make sure you say everything about them, especially age. In more difficult stories, I would also expect to learn about the character's past, but I'll let you slid since this is just an Easiest category Pokemon.

One thing I would really like to see in the future, though, is a hook. A hook is a beginning line that reels in the reader, makes them want to go on and read more. It can be an action of the character, spoken dialogue, a sound, or, if the story calls for it, even part of the description of the setting, though that would usually call for an unusual setting (i.e., a volcano erupting).

Overall, though, for a beginning story, this wasn't too bad. You pass.

Plot: Honestly, I thought it was pretty funny. A boy goes to eat breakfast and finds a bug in his cereal. Makes you wonder how the big Caterpie managed to get there without him noticing. x3 Overall, not too in depth, but it doesn't need to be. You're about right on with the right kind of plot for the Pokemon you're going after. Don't be afraid to make it a little more in depth and interesting, though, and remember that more difficult Pokemon require more involved plots. Still, you pass here.

Grammar: Well, first off, formatting is a bit off here.

Quote:
Caleb woke up in his bed the beginning of the day. The sun shone bright in his eyes dark brown eyes making them look lightish-brown. He shook his long black hair and matted it down to normal and pushed it out of his eyes. He stood up and got some clean clothes out and went to go get ready for the day. A little while later he came out of the bathroom and went and got his hat. He slid down the railing of his stairs and hit the floor with a thud. “Oof…” He said hitting the floor, he then stood up and shook off the pain. He got his green hoodie and put it over is black shirt. “Mornin mom!” He said happily walking into the kitchen.
This big block of a paragraph needs to be divided up a bit. The main problem here is that you need to start a new paragraph every time someone new speaks. For example, the paragraph should look like this.

Quote:
Caleb woke up in his bed the beginning of the day. The sun shone bright in his eyes dark brown eyes making them look lightish-brown. He shook his long black hair and matted it down to normal and pushed it out of his eyes. He stood up and got some clean clothes out and went to go get ready for the day. A little while later he came out of the bathroom and went and got his hat. He slid down the railing of his stairs and hit the floor with a thud.
“Oof…” He said hitting the floor, he then stood up and shook off the pain. He got his green hoodie and put it over is black shirt.
“Mornin mom!” He said happily walking into the kitchen.
This is more spaced out and easier to follow. However, this doesn't mean you should start a new paragraph every time a set of quotes comes up. If one follows another, and both are said by the same person, you keep the paragraph together. Like this;

Quote:
"What the heck is ?!" He exclaimed, taking a quick step back. "It looks like a cross between a tiger and an elephant!"
See? The same person talking about the same thing, so no new paragraph.

Quote:
The sun shone bright in his eyes dark brown eyes making them look lightish-brown.
The first 'eyes' needs to be taken out.

Quote:
He said hitting the floor, he then stood up and shook off the pain.
You didn't punctuate this correctly. The comma should be a period, because the two parts are separate sentences.

Quote:
I made you waffles some cereal and toast and bacon.
The list isn't quite right here.

Quote:
I made you waffles, some cereal, toast, and bacon.
That's the way it should look, with commas separating parts and an 'and' before the last part.

Quote:
“Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot!”
Even though you are emphasizing how hot it is, you don't need to capitalize every word.

Quote:
“I’m okay mom!”
When you are using any family name (like Mom, Dad, Brother, Grandma) in place of an actual name, it is capitalized. However, if you someone says 'my' or some other word indicating ownership before it, it is lower case.

Quote:
Well then this little bug has been eating our Cocoa Puffs..”
You need a quotation mark before this sentence.

Quote:
“OH MYGOD!!”
You need a space after 'MY'.

Quote:
“Son its just a Caterpie…
Heh, the 'its' can get a bit tricky. If you are using it to show a contraction (like here) of 'it is', you need an apostrophe before the S. However, if the 'its' shows ownership (like 'Its head was blue with purple polka dots'), there is no apostrophe.

Quote:
“So, your just a Caterpie huh?”
'Your' should be 'you're', a contraction of 'you are'.

Quote:
He said getting and evil grin on his face.
'An' should be 'and'.

Quote:
“Charmander use scratch!”
The names of attacks should be capitalized.

Quote:
The flame on the worms pokemon sort of made it seem like a Charmander.
Er... The bolded part is kinda confusing, but I think you mean 'worm's tail' or 'worm Pokemon's tail'. Make sure to capitalize Pokemon, too!

Quote:
“The Caterpie almost seemed ready.
This sentence doesn't need quotation marks in front of it.

Quote:
He grabbed a Red and White Pokeball and threw it at Caterpie.
'Red' and 'white' don't need to be capitalized.

Quote:
The ball hit the worm and the flames dissapeared with the Caterpie and they were both sucked into the ball.
This is a run-on sentence. To make it a correct compound sentence, you should put a comma right before the first 'and', and put a period before the second and take it out altogether. Like this;

Quote:
The ball hit the worm, and the flames dissapeared with the Caterpie. They were both sucked into the ball.
Also, 'disappeared' is spelled wrong. One S, two P's.

It seems like a lot, but for a first story, this isn't too bad. You have a pretty good idea of sentence structure and how things fit together, and that's good. You're a little off on some of the more mechanical parts, but you'll get them as you continue to write. They don't say that English is the hardest language to learn for nothing. xP Just keep writing and you'll get better.

Also, I suggest looking over your story for typos a bit more carefully, because there were quite a few here for such a short story. If you have any friends or family interested in Pokemon, too, get them to read it and look it over. They might catch what you miss.

Length: Meh, it's fine. I won't gripe here.

Detail/Description: This wasn't too bad, but there is room for improvement. Make sure to describe characters, setting, everything your character sees in as great of detail as you can. You really want to paint a picture with words, show your readers exactly what you yourself picture in your mind.

Your wording can use a bit of work, too. There are times when you use the same word twice in one sentence, which gets boring quickly. You need to keep using a variety of words to describe, even if they mean the same thing. For example, compare these sentences.

Quote:
It cried having little fire bits shoot out and head directly for Caterpie. The Caterpie looked back and saw the bits of fire shooting right at it.
Quote:
It cried having little fire bits shoot out and head directly for Caterpie. The Caterpie looked back and saw the bits of fire rocketing towards it.
See? I changed the words around a bit to make it less repetitive. Watch out and do this while you write.

Best way to find more descriptive words? Get a thesaurus. Then you'll have a variety of words with same meanings at your fingertips. If you have Microsoft Word, also, it usually has a built-in thesaurus, or you can go to the Webster Dictionary Website and look it up. It's extremely helpful with that. Also, reading in general adds to your vocabulary, so find something you like to read and watch out for words that are descriptive, and that you don't know. If you are unsure on their meaning, look them up. You're more likely to remember them, that way.

Battle: It was really quite short, and pretty one-sided. The Caterpie didn't even get in an attack. In future battles, make it more two-sided, and give the opposing Pokemon a chance. Try to get a bit more descriptive with the attacks and how the Pokemon move, too. You showed the effects of the Ember on the Caterpie (quite comically), but make sure to show exactly what it looks like and how the Charmander, or whatever Pokemon you may use, executes the attack. Also, be sure to add the setting into the battle. If you're in a desert, throw in a sandstorm. A forest, have one Pokemon hide behind a tree. A front yard? Even just the Charmander accidentally singing the grass would be interesting.

Outcome: Caterpie Captured! There's room for improvement, yes, but this is your first story, and it's just for an Easiest category Pokemon, so I won't be too picky. Remember, be sure to work on both the description and the battle in the future! Enjoy your little green worm and keep writing!
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