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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 04-01-2008, 06:41 PM
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Arrow ~....:::::The Oblivion Chronicles:::::....~

author:Danny
pokemon:magby
capture: 5000-10000

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


----------------------------------------------------
-------------------Prolouge:--------------------------
----------------------------------------------------

Danny,a cool and calm trainer who originates from Twinleaf Town, and his Eevee;the sidekick;have a journal in which Danny records there day to day best adventures while traveling through Sinnoh. Danny has been to Kanto,Johto,Hoenn and of course the newest island Sinnoh. Now we shall go through is prized possession and reveal the secrets of all his journeys.
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Last edited by GreyScale; 05-12-2008 at 08:04 PM.
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  #2  
Old 04-12-2008, 08:57 AM
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Arrow Re: ~....:::::The Oblivion Chronicles:::::....~

[FONT="Book Antiqua"][SIZE="2"]12/3/2002:
[COLOR="Dark Orange"]Danny woke up one morning and guess what day it was? His 10th birthday!
He was finally old enough to start and incredible pokemon adventure[
"Danny, rise and shine son! you’ve got a big day ahead of you."Danny`s mum exclaimed up the stairs.
"okay mum im coming have you got breakfast on?” He Replied loudly.
"what would you like birthday Boy?"
"not much. Maybe a bit of bacon a sandwhich,eggs,beans and tomato ketchup!?"
"your joking aren’t you. I have something better."
"what could you possibly have that i want instead?"
"toast! Also you may want to hurry up Jordan is leaving now."
"Jordan! You mean that show-off kid at school who thinks he’s the best at everything. I cant tell you how much i want to destroy him in a pokemon battle!"
"yes, we all know your little"rivalry"with Jordan, And you wont battle him unless you get that charmander you wanted"
"Oh Shoot. I forget im supposed to get a bulbasaur of prof.Oak."
"I thought you wanted a squirtle?"
"doesn’t matter if I don’t get there in thee next couple of minuets"
"Well get your shoes on and go"
"OK mum im going now"
without warning Danny ran out the door without him hearing his mum wish him good luck
"good luck Danny................."
Later that gentle sunny morning Danny made it through the forests and grass on the way to professor oak`s.After a short distance journey Danny arrived at Oaks door. On route 129
Danny bumps into his best friend Reece-"Oblivion" Jambalaya on the way.
"What’s up bro.have you got your starter yet?” I said
"yep.Look at it its wicked. Go Charmander!" Reece replied
"Wow! That’s cooler than it looked on TV!" I said to him
"isn’t it. When are you going to get yours?" Reece said
"im on my way now Reece.” I replied, in an eager voice.
"you better Hurry up, i herd Jordan was on his way” he replied
"JORDAN!im going to run at the speed of light if I have to to get there!” I replied angrily
"see you then bro.have exclaimed
"See ya later! Im of to get a Charmander said.
Danny Runs over a small, muddy Hill and peaking through the sunshine,was professor Oaks Laboratory.
Danny Ran at high speed to get to the door. The Door creaks open and guess who was there? You guessed right, Jordan. A sleek young trainer whose Dad happens to be in the Elite 4 in Johto."Well if it isn’t mister im gunner be the Pokemon master!” Jordan chuckled.
"hey well at least im not as pathetic as you, getting all your pokemon of your Dad!” I yelled
"well look whose saying that. You don’t even have a Pokemon!"he said
"well if you would move your Huge head I might be able to get through.” I replied
Jordan moved out of the way and ran off in an awe full mood.
danny walked in and who else would be there but the cool professor Oak in his plain white and black lab. coat.
"Hello, Danny, I take it you‘re here to get your starter Pokemon?"
"yes as a matter of fact i am."
"well there’s bad news."
did a magikarp die?"
"no"
"did you run out of poke food?"
"no"
"did you lose the......."
"NOOOOOOOO!!!just let me speak!"
"Gees.ok Prof.Oak!"
"the Bad news is we don’t have any starters left. The good news we have one pokemon left a male Eevee!"
"really?"
"yes"
"ok ill take it then"
Danny got his Eevee in his poke ball and thanked proffeser.Oak.on his way out ;he bumped into his"girlfreind" Lauren.
"hey Dan, What’s up?"
"Nothing,exept i just got my Eevee!"
"good for you Dan, you know what Jordan did to Reece yesterday?"
"What?"
"he beat his charmander easily with pincer!"
"Why would he battle with his charmander any way?"
"well it doesn’t really matter i think we should start are journey today"
"Good idea. Were is it you have in mind for us to go to this time?"
"i think we should Tell our families first"
"yeah good idea. im on my way now."
"see ya later then!"
15/3/2002:
Danny and Lauren return to there respective homes, to see there friends and family one last time before they go on the long winding journey across kanto and eventually The whole pokemon world!
Later that day at Danny’s House.
"hey mum, guess what I got"
"I have no clue son, possibly a......Pokemon!"
"Yes, you surprisingly got it right but guess what pokemon it is?"
"charmander,no its squirtle,actually its a bulbasaur its definitely a bulbasaur."
"All of them are wrong mum. Its Eevee."
"cool I never knew that you could get them in here."
"well you can.Anyways ;as you know im starting my journey today, so I love you and goodbye."
"bye Son, have fun on your little” adventure"."
at around the same time Danny left Lauren had already left and they met up on route 112.along the way They bumped into many strange pokemon they had never seen; such as Weedle,caterpie and surprise surprise a magikarp flew out of a pond a sung itself through the air like a....Flying fish!
"well Dan Do you want to set up camp here for the night?"
"Yeah,we might as well.Hey i can see viridian city from here!"
"cool Well try to get there tomorrow then."
They go sound asleep in there tents, a long with Eevee and Togepi.
The Next morning the walked calmly down the hill and walked straight into viridian city.infront of them was a boy with soft, blond spiky hair.
"do you want to battle?” he asked
"im up for a game go Eevee!"i replied
"Go Shelgon,hydro pump go!” he commanded
"dodge and use trump card” I asked of Eevee.
Eevee suddenly continued to hit the shelgon and it faints.
"whoa, your Eevee is awesome!” he said
"well its was just instinct I think?” I replied
*smiles very heavily*
"can I be part of your pokemon gang? Please I need to learn"
"yeah.if you tell me who you are!"
"oh yes,sorry.im Ethan from cerulean city."
"nice to meet you"
Danny and the gang travel out of viridian city knowing they have made new friends and foes.
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Last edited by GreyScale; 05-12-2008 at 08:06 PM.
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  #3  
Old 04-19-2008, 07:32 AM
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Arrow Re: ~....:::::The Oblivion Chronicles:::::....~

Danny, Lauren and Ethan Travel out of Viridian City And Enter Through Viridian Forest’s Gates. Beautiful tall, long lush green trees That hang over The cold, misty canopies. They stare at the trees while having no clue what lays in them. Suddenly a freaky buzzing sound boomed out for the canopy of the trees
"BEEDRIL..BII..BI..DRIL"A voice echoed.
Suddenly a Beedril hurled its self out of the sky like a rocket and slammed in front of them. It layed there buzzing in pain.
"Oh My Gosh! What should we do?" Lauren asked
"we need to get to a pokemon centre and more than faster than light” I replied
They ran to a pokemon centre nearby and rested The Beedril back to full health. After befriending the Beedril Danny, Lauren and Ethan Exit the Pokemon Centre .Suddenly a blimp hurls out of the sky and hovers in front of the gang
"to announce the Evils of the truth and love” A women said with strange long purple hair
"to extend our reach to the stars above” The man with deep blue hair
"Jesse” the woman said
"James” the man said
"meowth`s the name” a talking meowth said
"wobbufet!"a Wobbuffet said
"mime-mime-digady-mime-ding-jr!"a Mime JR. said
"give us the eevee child, you don’t deserve it."
"yes I do, go away you bullies now!"
"go victribell.pin. pin missile now you twit!"
missiles flew out of the sky and smashed in front of the Gang
"Eevee take down."
Eevee hurled straight at the falling victribell. Victribell flew straight into it, curling it through the thin air.
"trump card” I exclaimed
trump card whopped itself into victribell; easily knocking it out.
The area surrounding team Rocket blew Up, Knocking them hundreds of miles into the air.
"Good job Dan, They will never come back!"
"Yeah,thats so true"
"EEVEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
Eevee fell to the floor without warning; What had happened?....
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Last edited by GreyScale; 05-10-2008 at 05:03 PM.
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  #4  
Old 04-27-2008, 09:04 AM
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Arrow Re: ~....:::::The Oblivion Chronicles:::::....~

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------The Kanto Chronicles:The Capture--------------------------
----------------------------------------------------


Eevee is struck down onto the floor, Magma oozing of it.
"Eevee;whats wrong Eevee"
Over in the north-east direction was an Magby charging up for a Flamethrower, trying to knock them all down. Suddenly Danny`s bag glew red and a forgotten poke ball shot out releasing a very strong geodude.
"Oh yes i forgot i had you there,Geodude lets go earthquake!"
The Wild Magby Jumps onto the tree avoiding the attack and launches a flamethrower with intensity.Somehow,it was strong enough to hit a rock type; With alot of force. Magby was in the air from the flamethrower, which he had jumped of the tree to use.
"Geodude charge for an Earthquake when the magby comes down."
magby glides through the air onto the hard shaking ground. It shook the ground left and right and up and down; until it knocked Magby out cold.
"This is my time now! Go pokeball!"
A red shiny pokeball screamed through the air releasing a pure, red beam of energy which sucked Magby straight into it. It shook left and right, up and down . But The ball hadn`t stopped yet. Had the new Magby been captured?.....

















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  #5  
Old 04-27-2008, 09:05 AM
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Arrow Re: ~....:::::The Oblivion Chronicles:::::....~

This offically ready for a grade,im now going to fil in the character details.
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  #6  
Old 05-03-2008, 09:58 PM
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Arrow Re: ~....:::::The Oblivion Chronicles:::::....~

Words: 1331
Characters (including spaces): 9972
Characters (without spaces): 8620
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  #7  
Old 05-04-2008, 10:14 PM
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Default Re: ~....:::::The Oblivion Chronicles:::::....~

The graderz is here.

Plot: Danny had just started his Pokemon journey with his girlfriend Lauren after he had gotten an Eevee. After he beats a trainer named Ethan, they are assaulted by Team Rocket who wants to take his Eevee. Angry, Danny refuses and soon fights a wild Magby.

Well, the plot wasn’t original for multiple reasons. First, a trainer starting his journey had been overused so many times before. Secondly, Team Rocket (especially the anime trio of Jessie, James, and Meowth) attacking the trainer is also very cliché. These kind of plots are okay for your first story, but since this isn’t your first story, you need to think up of more original plots. If you’re going to go with a trainer starting his journey, add as many original twists as you can to keep it from becoming cliché and boring. Another thing you want to avoid Team Rocket (or any other villainous team) jumping out and attacking like this, especially if they are anime characters, because it’s been done many times before. I’m not saying you shouldn’t write about Team Rocket, I’ve read many wonderful stories about Team Rocket, just make it less predictable and more original.

Another thing I have to point out is that about 90% of your story was pure dialogue. You have to have an even balance between the two, and if one outweighs the other, it’s better if it’s description. Put A LOT more description into your stories, don’t let your whole story be one-liners with one short paragraph in the middle. Tell us what’s happening, tell us where they are and so on.

Also, don’t use to many lines before a title, it makes the story seem messy and unorganized.

Introduction: There was a small paragraph in the beginning but other than that, there was no introduction. We know the main character is named Danny and that he is from Twinleaf Town (if he’s from Twinleaf Town, why does he enter the Viridian Forest, why is Professor Oak the town professor, etc?), but that’s it, all we know is a name. Tell us what he looks like, tells us about his personality and ambitions. We need to get acquainted with him, we need to know about his life, his town, and everything else you can think of. Describe us Twinleaf Town, his parents, etc. You can do this by cutting some of the dialogue and actually describe what is happening.

Also, I’m sure you can start out your story with something more exciting than Danny waking up, that sort of start had been used countless times before. Maybe you can start it off with him battling in his dreams or arguing with his rival, start off your story with something exciting and fun.

Grammar/Spelling: I’m afraid to say that this area was pretty bad. Grammar, spelling, capitalizing, there wasn’t a sentence that didn’t have some sort of mistake. PLEASE write your story in MS Word, in other kind of program, or put it in some kind online Spell Checker, they will mix the majority of your mistakes with a simple click.

Quote:
Danny,a cool and calm trainer who originates from Twinleaf Town, and his Eevee;the sidekick;have a journal in which Danny records there day to day best adventures while traveling through Sinnoh. Danny has been to Kanto,Johto,Hoenn and of course the newest island Sinnoh. Now we shall go through is prized possession and reveal the secrets of all his journeys.
The regions and towns should be capitalize, the semicolons should be commas, “Hoenn” was misspelled and so was “possession”. I also added spaces where there is need to be.

Quote:
"Hello, Danny, I take it you‘re here to get your starter Pokemon?"
“Hello” should be capitalized, a comma is needed before “Danny”, “I” should be capitalized, “your” should be “you’re”, Pokemon should be captilized, and a question mark is needed.

Quote:
Danny, Lauren, and Ethan Travel out of Viridian City and enter through Viridian Forest`s gates. The stare at the trees while having no clue what lays in them. Suddenly a freaky buzzing sound boomed out from the canopy of the trees.
“Lauren” should be capitalized, “and”, “enter”, “through”, and “gates” should be lowercased, “for” should be “from”, and you need a period at the end.

Really, I could go on and correct the whole story. Write your story on MS Word or put on a online Spell Checker (there’s some you don’t have to download), and even after that, read the story to catch typos and the likes. This is the area that needs the most improvement.

Length: This section is good, but the length isn’t nearly as important as the other sections in this case.

Description/Detail: Like the intro, there was none. Other than a few words like “white” and “blond”, your whole story was void of description and, instead, filled with dialogue. You need to describe everything from the characters (including Pokemon) to the surroundings. Describe Danny, Lauren, and Ethan, describe Twinleaf Town and Viridian Forest. You need to paint a us a picture by using not only sight but all the other senses. Without description and detail, your story becomes boring and unexciting, not to mention I won’t be able to follow along with what is happening in your story.

Battle: Well, there was a battle but it was short and void of description. You need to describe the attacks that are thrown, use a variety of moves, and make the battle two-sided and believable. For example, Eevee defeating that Shelgon wasn’t too believable, especially with the fox defeating it with one move after that Hydro Pump. Expand your battles, make it vivid, and make it even.

Outcome: With the bad grammar, lack of description, and the overused plot, I have to say: Magby not captured! The best thing would be to rewrite the story from scratch since there are a lot of things that need fixing. However, if you follow my advice, I’m sure you’ll be able to capture the Fire type. ^^

- Kat
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Last edited by Phantom Kat; 05-05-2008 at 02:49 AM.
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  #8  
Old 05-10-2008, 03:16 PM
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Arrow Re: ~....:::::The Oblivion Chronicles:::::....~

ive fixed it up,so kat may you please re-grade?
splishee can do it if you dont want to.
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  #9  
Old 05-10-2008, 04:59 PM
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Default Re: ~....:::::The Oblivion Chronicles:::::....~

Nah, that's okay, I'll -re-grade it. ^^

Hoenstly, I don't see any improvement. The whole story is still almost nothin but dialogue and the grammar is still pretty bad (you didn't even fix the mistakes I corrected for you). So: Magby not captured! Sorry but if you want the Pokemon, you really need to make a larger effort in fixing up you story, not just a minute thing here and there. This is how I think you should do it:

Step 1: Fix all of the grammar mistakes you see. At the moment, don't concentrate on the description but on the grammar, instead. Missing commas, periods, everything. Go over your story and fix everything you see wrong; having someone like a parent look it over might also help. For some easy fixing, you can copy and paste everything into an online SpellChecker like this one.

Step 2: Add some description in between the dialogue. Since this is for a Simple Pokemon, you don't need tons and tons of it, just enough so that we can get a picture of what is going on. You can also add this to your battle.

I can't just give you the Pokemon, the story has to bee good enough for that. Good luck in fixing your story, really show me that you want the Magby. =)

- Kat
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Old 05-10-2008, 05:03 PM
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Arrow Re: ~....:::::The Oblivion Chronicles:::::....~

Quote:
Originally Posted by PhantomKat7 View Post
Nah, that's okay, I'll -re-grade it. ^^

Hoenstly, I don't see any improvement. The whole story is still almost nothin but dialogue and the grammar is still pretty bad (you didn't even fix the mistakes I corrected for you). So: Magby not captured! Sorry but if you want the Pokemon, you really need to make a larger effort in fixing up you story, not just a minute thing here and there. This is how I think you should do it:

Step 1: Fix all of the grammar mistakes you see. At the moment, don't concentrate on the description but on the grammar, instead. Missing commas, periods, everything. Go over your story and fix everything you see wrong; having someone like a parent look it over might also help. For some easy fixing, you can copy and paste everything into an online SpellChecker like this one.

Step 2: Add some description in between the dialogue. Since this is for a Simple Pokemon, you don't need tons and tons of it, just enough so that we can get a picture of what is going on. You can also add this to your battle.

I can't just give you the Pokemon, the story has to bee good enough for that. Good luck in fixing your story, really show me that you want the Magby. =)

- Kat
actually can remove this grade? earlier i edited it,but it didnt save.if you dont beleive me you can ask splishee.
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  #11  
Old 05-10-2008, 05:11 PM
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Default Re: ~....:::::The Oblivion Chronicles:::::....~

Quote:
Originally Posted by darkrai_of_darkness View Post
actually can remove this grade? earlier i edited it,but it didnt save.if you dont beleive me you can ask splishee.
I'm not sure if I can remove it since it's a re-grade and all and it might count towards wages (I think they do), sorry. ^^;

Weird because it says "Last Edited" this morning in your chapters, but meh, wacky stuff with posting happens. But if that's what happened, I can totally re-grade it again, the number of re-grades don't effect the chances of you getting the Pokemon or anything if that is what you fear. Just PM me when you have everything set and I'll re-grade it. =)

- Kat
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Old 05-12-2008, 08:07 PM
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Arrow Re: ~....:::::The Oblivion Chronicles:::::....~

Kat, may i please have a final regrade now i fixed the dialouge you typed, and hopefully i may get a magby.
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  #13  
Old 05-13-2008, 02:07 AM
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Default Re: ~....:::::The Oblivion Chronicles:::::....~

The thing is, I just don't want you to fix the sentences I pointed out, I want you to fix all the other grammar mistakes. Look over your sentences, ask yourself it it's right and if anything needs to be fixed. Other than the grammar msitakes I pointed out, you haven't fixed anything. Also, the story still does not have any sort of descsription. Until then: Magby not captured!

Go over your story, section by section, and capitilize the first word's letter of each sentence, put apostrophes in "I'm", put some kind of punctuation at the end of your sentences (a period, exclamation point, etc), and so on. Do you have MS Word, DOD? If so, put your whole story in it, and most mistakes shouldbe underlined in red. If not, ask a parent or someone who knows their way around grammar to help you fix your mistakes.

I can't go over single mistake in your story and fix it for you, you wouldn't be learning anything. You need to take your time, read over your story, and fix anything you see wrong. Heck, I have a ton of typos when I finish with a story. If you can't do that, if I don't see that you're actually fixing the story, I won't give you the Magby. You need to show me that you want it, that you're willing to make your story the best it can be so you can capture it. Reading other people's stories can tell you what you need in order to make a succesful capture.

- Kat
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Old 05-13-2008, 08:13 AM
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Arrow Re: ~....:::::The Oblivion Chronicles:::::....~

Quote:
Originally Posted by PhantomKat7 View Post
The thing is, I just don't want you to fix the sentences I pointed out, I want you to fix all the other grammar mistakes. Look over your sentences, ask yourself it it's right and if anything needs to be fixed. Other than the grammar msitakes I pointed out, you haven't fixed anything. Also, the story still does not have any sort of descsription. Until then: Magby not captured!

Go over your story, section by section, and capitilize the first word's letter of each sentence, put apostrophes in "I'm", put some kind of punctuation at the end of your sentences (a period, exclamation point, etc), and so on. Do you have MS Word, DOD? If so, put your whole story in it, and most mistakes shouldbe underlined in red. If not, ask a parent or someone who knows their way around grammar to help you fix your mistakes.

I can't go over single mistake in your story and fix it for you, you wouldn't be learning anything. You need to take your time, read over your story, and fix anything you see wrong. Heck, I have a ton of typos when I finish with a story. If you can't do that, if I don't see that you're actually fixing the story, I won't give you the Magby. You need to show me that you want it, that you're willing to make your story the best it can be so you can capture it. Reading other people's stories can tell you what you need in order to make a succesful capture.

- Kat
OK. im sorry to say im leaving this story because it just not good enough.hopefill the ice temple will be better.
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