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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #16  
Old 05-13-2008, 12:19 AM
poke123 Offline
 
Join Date: May 2007
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Default Re: Wild Charmander Chase

Chapter 4:Max's first catch


They both walked out of the Pokemon Center and began to walk towards Sandgem Town. They decided to take a short cut through a long stretch of open field. This field was very grassy, but it was nice and short. Johnny couldn’t see a single Pokemon roaming around, which was weird because Pokemon usually loved open fields like this. Then, a small half-black, half-blue Pokemon walked out into the field. Its front paws had a ring around them. It had a tail which ended in a yellow, four point star. It was a Shinx. Johnny saw it and immediately wanted to catch it. He thought of which Pokemon to use. He couldn’t use Mudkip or Starly because they were weak against electric types, so his only option was Charmander. He threw Charmander’s Pokeball into the air and from it emerged the small, orange lizard Pokemon. He challenged the Shinx to a battle. It nodded and charged at Charmander. It was trying to use Tackle.

“Use Flamethrower, Charmander!”

Heat began to build up in Charmander’s body and yellow and orange tongues of fire erupted from his mouth. The lion-like Pokemon jumped to the side and his fur began to crackle with electricity. Shinx’s fur was covered by small blue sparks that jumped around on his fur. Shinx scrunched his face together and released this energy in one attack. The Spark attack engulfed Charmander. Charmander tried to use Scratch on Shinx, but he couldn’t move. He was paralyzed by the electricity. Shinx ran at him mouth wide open and used Bite. Charmander winced as he was bitten on the arm by the Shinx. The lion Pokemon let go and charged up another Spark attack. When his fur was crackling with small jolts of energy, he released it and Charmander was pushed back by the force of the attack. Charmander’s face was scrunched up in pain. He was too tired to continue fighting and he fainted.

“Charmander, no!” Johnny yelled as he ran to his Pokemon.

He quickly got out a Paralyze Heal and a Potion and began to spray them both on Charmander. Charmander slowly opened its eyes.

“Char?” Charmander said weakly.

“No, you lost, but that’s ok,” responded Johnny almost as if he knew what Charmander was saying.

“Do you mind if I try to catch him?” asked Max.

“No, go ahead, catch him,” replied Johnny.

“Alright, Linoone, here we go!” Max yelled as Linoone emerged from its Pokeball.

“Use Shadow Ball then Slash!” commanded Max.

The badger Pokemon charged a sphere of dark energy in his mouth, until it was large enough. Then, he released it in the direction of Shinx. The lion Pokemon had no time to react and received the attack head-on. Linoone ran up to Shinx with its claws glowing and swung at Shinx trying to use Slash on it. Shinx moved from side to side, but Linoone began to see the pattern in the little lion’s movements and the badger Pokemon’s attacks began to hit their target. Linoone attacked right where Shinx would be. Shinx’s blue face was soon covered in scratches made by Linoone. Max decided to try and catch the Shinx before it could escape. So, he tossed a Pokeball at it and Shinx was sucked into the small, red and white ball. It wiggled once, twice, three times and then it stopped moving. Max jumped up in joy. He had a huge smile across his face.

“I caught a Shinx!” Max yelled at the top of his lungs.

“I didn’t know you liked Shinx so much,” said Johnny trying to hold in hi laughter.

“Well, I don’t,” he said in embarrassment, “but this is the first Pokemon I’ve ever caught.”

“Oh, that’s right. Well, congratulations,” Johnny said as he extended his hand.

Max shook his hand and then looked down at Linoone.

“Good job,” he said to his Pokemon.

He fed him a Pokeblock and began to stroke Linoone’s tan fur. They kept on walking towards Sandgem Town after Johnny put Charmander back in his Pokeball and Max put the Pokeball with his Shinx in it away. Linoone had stayed outside. His feet were on Max’s shoulders and his body was on top of Max's head. After walking for four hours through the field, they arrived at Sandgem Town. They walked into the town and saw a lot of colorful house made out of wood or bricks, a few people outside, and some Pokemon frolicking in a garden patch. Everyone seemed to be busy talking to someone or just plain busy.
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Last edited by poke123; 05-15-2008 at 09:12 PM.
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  #17  
Old 05-13-2008, 12:20 AM
poke123 Offline
 
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Default Re: Wild Charmander Chase

Chapter 5:Meeting Uncle Fred


They walked past the town and saw why the town was named Sandgem Town. At the southern edge of the town, the grass and dirt became sand. It seemed that Sandgem Town was really close to the coast. Part of the city seemed to be on the beach. They continued walking through the sand, seeing white birds with blue stripes on their wings fly by. Up ahead was a small house, which looked like it was rarely used. It was blue or at least it was supposed to be. The paint had mostly peeled off leaving the wood exposed. The wood had rot because of the mist from the ocean. Max got close and knocked on the door. The door was unlocked, so when he knocked on it, it swung open. It seemed like someone had lived there, but a few months ago. There were old crumbs of food and plates were left unwashed in rusting sink.

“Can I help you?” said a mysterious voice from behind them.

They both quickly turned around and saw a man standing there. He looked like he was around forty. He had buzz-cut and was kind of chubby. He was about a foot taller than both the teenagers. He had a sailor’s uniform on and a key in his hand.

“This is my house,” he said his face beginning to get red with anger, “and I won’t let some hooligans ransack it!”

“No, wait! We’re just trainers. We knocked on your door and it swung open,” said Max, his voice shaking.

The man looked in his house, then looked at the two teenagers and decided that he overreacted.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that I’m gone overseas a lot and my place sometimes gets broken into. My name is Clayton,” said the man, “So, what are you guys doing out here?”

“We’re headed to a dock near here, to see my uncle,” said Johnny.

“You mean that ship that’s coming in from Olivine City?” said the tall sailor.

“I don’t know, is Olivine City in Johto?” asked Johnny.

“Is Olivine City in Johto?” the sailor laughed, “Of course it’s in Johto. Where else would it be, Hoenn?”

“Well, I don’t really know much about the different regions,” said Johnny bashfully.

“The dock is that way,” said the sailor pointing in south, “It shouldn’t take you longer than ten minutes to get there.”

Both trainers said thanks and they continued walking towards the ocean. Finally, they reached a dock. It was kind of small and shabby-looking and it didn’t look too sturdy. Johnny then looked up saw a medium-sized ship. It was white and had a few passengers on it. It looked like it was really old; you could see the old paintjob underneath it because some of the paint had begun to crack. The waves of crystal clear water rolled up against the side of the ship and crashed against it, spraying water all over the ship, making it look magnificent. The ship docked and was tied to the dock with some ropes. A few passengers got off before Johnny saw his uncle. He was a little shorter than Johnny and had black hair just like him. In his arms, was a large egg. Johnny’s uncle put the egg in his backpack and got off the ship.

“How are you kiddo?” said uncle with his arms open.

Johnny gave him a hug and said, “Pretty good, Uncle Fred. How are you?”

“Good, so I take your dad told you one of my Pokemon had an egg?” asked Fred.

“Yes, but he didn’t tell me which one,” said Johnny hoping to find out what was in the egg.

“I guess you’ll find out when it hatches, now won’t you?” said Fred.

“You said exactly what dad said,” said Johnny laughing.

“Well, I guess brothers think alike,” said Fred.

Fred looked at the teenager next to Johnny and said, “Hey, I’m Fred, Johnny’s uncle and you are?”

“I’m Max, I’m traveling with Johnny,” said Max.

“That’s good. So, we should go to the Pokemon Center and we can talk there,” Fred said to the teenagers.
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Last edited by poke123; 05-15-2008 at 09:13 PM.
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  #18  
Old 05-13-2008, 12:20 AM
poke123 Offline
 
Join Date: May 2007
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Default Re: Wild Charmander Chase

Chapter 6:Gligar, the stowaway


As they began to walk towards the Pokemon Center, they heard someone yelling. A slender ferret Pokemon jumped out of the ship and began running towards Sandgem Town. A purple Pokemon with wings and claws was in pursuit of it. A short man with bald head ran out of the ship and began to yell.

“Come back here!” yelled the captain, his face red with anger.

“What’s wrong?” asked Fred.

“That Gligar stowed away on my ship and chased my Furret out of the ship! You were in Olivine City right? You remember that Gligar that was causing all sorts of trouble and then it just disappeared. It must have stowed away. Now my Furret is being chased in a place that he doesn’t even know,” said the captain in a furious voice.

“I’m going to get my Furret,” grumbled the vertically-challenged captain as he stomped off.

“We can help,” said Max.

“I don’t need help. I’m going to get my Furret by myself,” said the captain with a determined look on his face.

“Do you even have any other Pokemon to fight that Gligar with?” asked Fred.

The captain stopped and turned around.

He gritted his teeth as he said, “I hadn’t thought about that. Do you think you guys can help me? I would do it myself, but I don’t want my Furret to get hurt.”

He wasn’t the kind of person who usually asked for help, let alone from complete strangers. He had tried to maintain some sense of self-pride by convincing himself that he only needed help because he had no Pokemon.


He reluctantly joined their group and they all began to walk towards Sandgem Town. After much badgering by Johnny and Max, the captain began to talk about his voyages. He had been to every region. He had lived most of his life on the ocean.

“So, when did you catch your Furret,” asked Max.


“I caught him when I became a sailor. I saw him on the docks, looking at the ocean, as if it were in love with it. I asked it if it wanted to come with me on my voyages and it agreed. We’ve been best friends ever since,” said the captain trying to stay calm.

Just thinking about Furret reminded him of the stowaway Gligar, which in turn infuriated him.

“Don’t worry, we’ll find him,” said Johnny.

After walking for ten minutes, they came across a rusty, old shack. It was Clayton’s shack. The old, beaten-up door swung open and Clayton walked out of the shack.

“Hey, it’s the kids that were trying to break into my house,” said Clayton jokingly, “You two won’t believe what happened a few minutes ago.”

“What happened?” asked Johnny and Max.

“Do you know this guy?” asked Fred with a serious tone.

“Yeah Uncle Fred, he told us where the docks were about half an hour ago,” responded Johnny, “So what happened?”

“Well, I was just about to close my door because it had swung open, when out of nowhere a Furret jumped into the house right before I closed the door. Then, something began to slam into the house. I looked through the window and it was a Gligar. It kept tackling the house. It seemed like it was chasing the Furret, but after a few minutes the Gligar gave up and flew off in the direction of Sandgem Town.

“You found my Furret?” said the captain almost jumping up with excitement.

“Your Furret? This is my Furret. It ran into my house and it had no trainer, so its mine,” said Clayton as he walked into his rundown shack and brought the Furret outside.

“He’s mine, really,” said the captain as he tried to get his ferret Pokemon.

“Well, if he was really yours, than what was he doing running around being chased by a Gligar?” asked Clayton.

“The Gligar spooked him,” responded the captain.

“Well, he’s mine and you’ll never get him,” said Clayton as he ran off with the Furret in his arms.

The captain began to chase Clayton. They looked like little five-year-olds fighting over a toy. Clayton was not going to let go of his new friend.

“Give Furret back or else!” yelled the captain.

“Or else what, shorty?” teased the sailor.

The captain had had it. His face was getting very red. Within in a few seconds, his face looked like a tomato and the veins on his neck were bulging and he began to yell at the top of his lungs.

“GIVE ME BACK MY FURRET!” yelled the short, angry captain.

This was a sight to see. The sailor, who was at least twice the size of the captain, was now intimidated by the captain. The sailor was shaking with fear. He gave back the Furret without a word. The captain quickly calmed down and thanked Johnny, Fred, and Max for their help.

“By the way, my name’s Eugene and if you ever need anything just look me up,” said Eugene as he walked away with a smile on his face and a ferret in his arms.

“I’m sorry about that,” said Clayton bashfully, “It’s just that I don’t have a Pokemon of my own.”

Fred began rummaging in his pocket and pulled out a Pokeball.

“Here’s an empty Pokeball, go down to the beach and catch a Pokemon that likes to be at sea as much as you do,” said Fred.

“Really? Thank you, very much!” said Clayton as his face lit up, “I’ll go get a Pokemon right now.”

Clayton ran off towards the beach, hoping to catch his first Pokemon.
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Last edited by poke123; 05-15-2008 at 09:15 PM.
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  #19  
Old 05-13-2008, 12:22 AM
poke123 Offline
 
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Default Re: Wild Charmander Chase

Chapter 7:Sandgem Town meets Gligar



Johnny, Fred, and Max began walking towards Sandgem Town. As they approached the town, it seemed less peaceful than it was when Johnny and Max had walked through it. There were tipped over trash cans and all the trash was scattered about. The baby Pokemon that had been frolicking around the flower bed were nowhere to be seen and the flower bed was completely destroyed. The colorful petals were scattered all over the place. People were cleaning up and some had Pokemon in their arms trying to calm them down. They looked like baby Pokemon that had been frightened. They walked past the mess and went into the Pokemon Center at the edge of the town. This Pokemon Center was exactly the same as the Pokemon Center that Johnny and Max had been in on Route 202. There were red sofas in the center of the room, chairs and tables along the edge of the Pokemon Center, and rooms on opposite sides of the Center. Nurse Joy’s counter was the wall closest to the door. The only difference is that there were a few flowers along the windowsills and there was sculptures made out of sand in a corner. A pink haired girl with a nurse’s uniform stood behind the counter.

“What’s going on out there?” asked Fred with a puzzled look on his face.

“It seems that a mischievous Gligar came through the city. It began to bully the Pokemon and cause damage for no reason at all. The weirdest part is, Gligars are extremely uncommon in Sinnoh and even then, they’re only found on an island off the coast, far from here,” said Nurse Joy trying to think of where the Gligar could have come from.

“It stowed away on the ship that I was on. I came all the way from Johto,” replied Fred.

“Well, that explains why there is a Gligar is here, but not why it was in such a bad mood,” said Nurse Joy.

“I was wondering Nurse Joy if you have one of those containers for Pokemon eggs,” said Fred trying to change topics.

“Yes, I have one back here,” she said as she went into the back room and rummaged around in a closet, until she found a shiny, new container.

She gave it to Fred and pressed a button so the glass would move so he could place the Pokemon in it. Fred grabbed his green backpack and pulled out the egg he had in it. He carefully placed it in the cylindrical container. The container was made mostly out of glass, so Johnny could see right through it. It was a bright white and had small, yellow thunder bolt shapes all over it. Johnny couldn’t think of what it was.

Fred was about to hand the container to Johnny, but quickly took it back. Johnny had expected this, his uncle was known for testing people.

“Before I can trust you with this egg, I have to see how you are raising your Pokemon,” said Fred slyly.

“How are you going to do that?” asked Johnny.

“We’re going to battle. It’ll be a 3 on 3 battle. Do you accept?” asked Fred.

“Of course,” said Johnny.

Nephew and Uncle walked out of the Pokemon Center in search of a place to battle. Max was really tired and decided to stay. He lay down on a sofa and closed his eyes. Half an hour later, Max woke up with a jolt as the Pokemon Center’s front doors slid open. Johnny walked in with a scowl on his face and gave his Pokeballs to Nurse Joy. Fred came in laughing. He was laughing so hard, he could hardly breathe.

“Well, it was a great battle, but you shouldn’t get all mad when you lose. Although I have to say, seeing you mad has made me laugh more than I have ever laughed before,” chuckled Fred.

“Well, I lost. So, I guess you can take your egg back with you because I’m not a good trainer,” grumbled Johnny with his eyebrows slanted down in anger.

“Hey, I didn’t say you the goal of the battle was to beat me. I mean, you gave it your all and that’s what really counts,” said Fred with a grin.

“Huh?” said Johnny.

“Here you go,” said Fred as he gave the container to Johnny, “Be careful, and treat the Pokemon right when it hatches. I’ve got to head back because your Aunt Katie will nag at me if I stay any longer, but I’ll see you soon.”


With that, Fred walked out of the Pokemon Center and began to walk back to the dock. Johnny looked at his new egg in awe. He sat down on one of the sofas and just stared at it, wondering what it could be. Meanwhile, Max took out his two Pokeballs and gave them to Nurse Joy so she could heal them.

“I’m going to go sleep for a bit,” said Max as he walked towards the rooms.

“Sure thing,” said Johnny as he continued to stare at his new Pokemon egg.

Two hours later, Max emerged from the room and saw that Johnny had fallen asleep in front of the Pokemon egg. Max walked up to the counter and got his two Pokeballs from Nurse Joy.

She leaned over the counter and asked, “So, what was with that whole Pokemon egg thing?”

“Well, one of Johnny’s uncle’s Pokemon had an egg and he was too busy to raise it. So, he gave it to Johnny,” explained Max.

“Oh, ok,” she said and she turned around and began to tend to some Pokemon that were hurt.

Max nudged Johnny so he would wake up. Johnny shot straight up and looked around with his eyes closed. He rubbed his eyes and saw Max right in front of him.

“Let’s go,” Max said.

“Ok, so we’re going back to Jubilife City?” Johnny asked half asleep.

“Yeah, we should hurry up and go before it gets too dark,” Max said as he walked to the door. Johnny picked up the container with his egg and put it in his backpack. They both walked out of the Pokemon Center and saw that everything had been cleaned up. New flowers had been planted in the flower bed and the baby Pokemon had returned to the flowerbed. They walked out of the city and began walking down Route 202. They walked through a thick, lush forest. There were several Pokemon jumping around in the trees. After a few hours of walking they came across the Pokemon Center where they had been the day before. They walked for another mile before the sun began to set, painting the sky magnificently with various shades of red and purple. They decided to set up camp and continue their voyage the next morning. Johnny got out a tent, which was a dark shade of green. He pulled out a dark blue sleeping bag for him and a light-blue sleeping bag for his Mudkip. He put both of them in his tent and sent Mudkip out so he could lie down. However, Mudkip began tugging at his pants. Mudkip was hungry. Max saw this and began to prepare some food. Max let out both of his Pokemon and Johnny let out his other two Pokemon. Johnny asked his orange lizard Pokemon to light a fire for them, which he did with ease. When the food was ready, the Pokemon began eating like there was no tomorrow. Johnny and Max cleaned up their mess and returned their Pokemon to their respective Pokeballs. Max recalled his lion Pokemon and his badger Pokemon. Johnny recalled his lizard Pokemon and his bird Pokemon. Mudkip stayed out because he slept in a sleeping bag made just for Mudkip.

“Well, I’m going to go to sleep,” said Johnny.

“Me too,” responded Max yawning as he went into his tent.

Johnny got into his tent, slipped into his sleeping bag, and drifted off to sleep.
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Last edited by poke123; 05-15-2008 at 09:16 PM.
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  #20  
Old 05-13-2008, 12:23 AM
poke123 Offline
 
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Default Re: Wild Charmander Chase

Chapter 8:Dreaming about the Egg


All of a sudden, Johnny was in the grass right outside of Jubilife City. His egg began to glow and the top of it began to open. A large, yellow and black bird emerged from the egg. It began flying all over the place. He had hatched a Zapdos! Its wings were crackling with electricity. It began to shoot of Thunder Bolt attacks at random Pokemon and fainted them in one hit. A well-dressed man appeared out of nowhere and released a Pokemon. It was a giant, metal Pokemon with four legs. It was a Metagross. The trainer was Hoenn’s champion, Steven. Johnny watched in awe as his Zapdos used Thunder Bolt, fainting Metagross before it could even attack.

“I guess you are the Champion of Hoenn,” said Steven shaking his hand.

Zapdos landed and Johnny ran up to it to congratulate his Zapdos. Then, it opened its mouth and a crystalline stream of water erupted from it and hit Johnny in the face. Johnny sat straight up. Mudkip was sitting next to him laughing. He had sprayed Johnny in the face with a Water Gun attack just for fun. Johnny stretched his arms and got out of the tent. Max was already awake and was making breakfast for everyone. Shinx and Linoone were playing in the grass a few feet away from him. Max told him to let his Pokemon out so they could have breakfast. He released Charmander and Starly from their Pokeballs. Breakfast was served and they all began to eat. After breakfast, they packed up, returned their Pokemon to their Pokeballs and began to walk towards Jubilife City. Johnny made sure that his egg was safe inside of his backpack. Johnny began to wonder what kind of Pokemon was in the egg. He tried to recall all of his uncle’s Pokemon, but the Pokemon that his uncle had used yesterday were not electric types. He kept on thinking and seemed to remember an electric type Pokemon, but couldn’t remember what kind of electric type his uncle had. He hoped that it was a strong Pokemon. While they walked they passed many Pokemon eating. They also passed the small pond they had seen yesterday. There were only three Surskits skating on the clear surface of the water. Above them were five or six Masquerains just flapping their wings and enjoying the experience of flying. They continued walking for a while, until they came across a Machop eating berries and training. They gray human-like Pokemon was chopping away at some wood that he had collected. It had three brown ridges on its head and a small tail. In between chops, he ate some berries. He turned to look at Max and Johnny and just stared blankly at both of them. Max stepped up and challenged the Machop.

“Machop, I challenge you to a battle!” said Max in an intimidating voice.

Machop seemed to have awoken from a trance and put his fists up, ready for battle. Max sent out Shinx. The little lion Pokemon’s fur was crackling with static electricity building up.

“Use Spark then Bite!” commanded Max.

Shinx scrunched up its blue face and released the electricity he was storing in a burst of yellow lightning that engulfed Machop. The attack hit so hard, that it made the Machop fall to his knees. Shinx took this advantage to run up to it and use Bite. Machop tried to defend itself by lifting up his arm, but Shinx just sunk his teeth into the gray Pokemon’s arm. Machop yelped in pain as he jumped back. Shinx let go of Machop and used rammed into Machop’s stomach with a Tackle. Machop was pushed back and began panting because it was feeling weak. Max rummaged around in his pocket, looking for a Pokeball. He found one and immediately tossed it at the gray Pokemon. It was sucked in the Pokeball. It moved once, twice, three times, and then it stopped moving. Max picked up his Pokeball and hooked it onto his belt. After that, he scooped up his little lion Pokemon and began to pet him.

“Wow,” said Johnny in amazement, “Your Shinx is so strong.”

“Thanks,” Max said.
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Last edited by poke123; 05-15-2008 at 09:17 PM.
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  #21  
Old 05-13-2008, 12:25 AM
poke123 Offline
 
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Default Re: Wild Charmander Chase

Chapter 9: Putting Gligar in his place



Max turned around and saw that there was something rustling in the bushes. They were at the edge of a forest. Johnny checked the map and saw that at the other side of the forest was Jubilife City.

“Let’s go this way,” Johnny said pointing at the forest.

“I could have sworn that I saw something in those bushes,” said Max.

“Well, I guess we’ll find out when we go through there,” said Johnny as he began walking towards the forest.

They walked into the thickly wooded forest. The trees in the forest were very close together and the leaves were a shade of bright green. The proximity between the trees made it hard to walk through the forest. Johnny looked up and saw Wurmples scurrying around the tree branches. After walking for a few minutes, they heard a yelp a few feet away from them. They kept on walking and walked into a clearing where there were no trees.

Suddenly, two white Pokemon, presumably related, ran into the clearing. They looked scared and as if they were running from something. They had green helmet-like thing on their heads and a red horn protruded from the front and one from the back. They were two Ralts. All of a sudden, a big purple Pokemon with wings flew out from behind some trees. Its face looked like a bat’s face and it had wings. On the tips of the wings were two pincers, which looked like they would slice through anything that got in his way. It also had a tail which ended in a stinger. It had long pointed ears and triangular eyes. It began to attack both Ralts. They both glowed with a blue aura and stopped the Gligar. They were using Confusion. Then, they slammed it into the tree. Gligar did not even flinch and returned to attack the Pokemon with its stinger. It was trying to inject poison in them by using Poison Sting.

Johnny jumped in front of the Ralts and yelled, “Don’t hurt these Pokemon!”

The Gligar tried to stop so he wouldn’t collide with Johnny and ended up crashing to the floor. One Ralts began grabbed the other Ralts’ hand and it began to glow in a rainbow of different colors. With a flash, they both disappeared. They had used Teleport. Gligar got up and looked around, but could no longer see the two Ralts. Gligar squinted its eyes in anger because he had no one to bully anymore.

He turned to Johnny with an angry face and wanted to battle him because Johnny had let the two Ralts get away. The two Ralts appeared out of nowhere and landed behind Johnny. Gligar went berserk and tried to get to them.

Johnny quickly released his Mudkip and had him use Water Gun on Gligar. The blue mudfish Pokemon jumped out of its Pokeball and sprayed Gligar with a strong stream of water. The purple bat-like Pokemon was pushed back into a tree by the powerful stream of water. The Gligar grunted in anger and then flew at Mudkip, its stinger pointed at Mudkip. Mudkip dodged to the side and used Mud Shot at Gligar. Small fist-sized clumps of mud flew out of Mudkip's mouth and hit Gligar on the back. This surprise attack startled Gligar and he crashed into the ground. Gligar then got up and his wings began to glow. He began to swoop down again and again, hitting Mudkip with Steel Wing. Mudkip tried to dodge, but Gligar seemed to be one step ahead of him. Finally, Mudkip used Water Gun at the floor underneath him, propelling him into the air, just as Gligar was swooping in to hit him again. Gligar had no idea where Mudkip had gone and was still in mid-attack. Then, Mudkip fell from the sky, full force, and hit Gligar in the back with a tackle. Gligar was slammed into the ground. Mudkip dizzily got up. That last attack had taken a lot out of Mudkip. His legs were trembling from the impact.

Johnny looked at Gligar and saw that he was no longer moving. Johnny reached in his pocket, got out a Pokeball, and tossed it at Gligar. The bat-like Pokemon was engulfed in a red light as the Pokeball hit him and was then sucked into the Pokeball. Johnny didn’t even look to see whether he caught it or not.

He turned to the two scared Ralts behind him. Mudkip tried to get close to them so he could talk to them, but they both began to glow and used Confusion. Mudkip was covered in a blue aura, lifted into the air and was slammed into a tree. Mudkip was too tired to continue, so his legs buckled and he collapsed. Johnny quickly returned Mudkip to his Pokeball.

“The only way these Pokemon are going to calm down is if I catch them,” thought Johnny.

“Go Charmander and Starly!” said Johnny as he released his other two Pokemon.

An orange lizard and a brown bird emerged from the Pokeballs.

“Charmander, use Flamethrower and Starly use Wing Attack!” commanded Johnny.

Charmander opened its mouth and released tongues of orange and red fire. Starly began to flap its wings and took to the sky. It flew right above the Flamethrower, ready to attack after the Flamethrower hit. One of the Ralts began to glow in a variety of colors and grabbed the other Ralts’ hand. They both disappeared and reappeared behind Charmander. Charmander quickly turned around and jumped backwards. Starly made a sharp turn and flew next to Charmander.

Both Ralts began to glow with a blue aura. Charmander and Starly were covered in the aura and began to float. After that, they were thrown against a tree. Both Pokemon fell face first after they were released from the Confusion attack. Both Pokemon then stood up and approached the two Ralts. They began to glow again. Johnny knew what this meant.

All of a sudden, Charmander was covered in a blue aura. Starly quickly rushed at both Ralts using Quick Attack. He hit both of them, releasing their psychic grip on Charmander. Starly made a sharp turn and began to swoop down on them using Wing Attack as his wings glowed a pure, white color. Then, Starly landed next to Charmander and let him give the final blow. Charmander concentrated and began to accumulate fire in his body. Then, all at once he released it through his mouth in a strong, steady stream of fire. The two wild Pokemon were engulfed by the flames and fainted instantly.

Johnny reached into his pocket, got out two empty Pokeballs and tossed them at the two wild Pokemon. They were quickly sucked in and the Pokeball began to shake. Johnny turned around to look for the Pokeball that he had tried to catch Gligar with, but he couldn’t find it. He turned back around and saw that Max had Johnny’s three Pokeballs in his hands.

Max looked at Johnny and said, “It looks like you caught…”






That's my story. I hope he says "It looks like you caught all three Pokemon"

I'm going for 2 Ralts and a Gligar
Here's the chracter count again

Pokemon: Gligar(for Yusuke007) and x2 Ralts
Category:Medium(Gligar 10-20K, Ralts x2 20-40K for both Ralts) so min-max for all thre together is 30-60K

# Words: 6,329
# of Characters with spaces: 28,104
# of Characters with no spaces: 34,301
Status: Ready to grade!


Edited version:
# of Characters with spaces: 31,132
# of Characters with no spaces: 38,012:
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  #22  
Old 05-15-2008, 02:23 AM
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Phantom Kat Offline
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Default Re: Wild Charmander Chase

Sorry for taking a while, hope this makes up for it. =)

Plot: After Johnny has caught Charmander and Starly, and he and Max head to Jubilife City, There, Johnny gets informed by his father that his Uncle Max has a Pokemon egg he has no time to hatch and wants to give it him. From there, Johnny and Max travel to Sandgem Town where his uncle’s ship is going to dock. However, when they get there, they join the captain in looking for his Furret after a stowaway Gligar has scared it away. After they get the Furret, they head into the Pokemon Center but not before seeing the mess Gligar made. Johnny and Max leave again to Jubilife and in the forest, they meet Gligar who is chasing two Ralts. Johnny battles all three of them, hoping they are captured.

Overall, it was better than your last story. More things happened , it wasn’t just a mad chase from one spot to the other. I did they feel that is was sort of bland, and I think it was because one thing happened right after the other. For example, when the captain joined the gang to look for his Furret. I didn’t get to know the captain, I didn’t get to know who he was, how he acts, etc. It just felt like he was just another character you threw in for the event. Whenever you introduce new characters that are more than just cameos (like the captain and Uncle Max), we need to know them as well as possible. Are they laidback or have a short temper? Where do they come from? You wrote the captain told the kids about his life, but we want to know, too. In the future, take more time to introduce new characters into the story, describe more than just their looks.

Another thing I want to point out is that, for me, there seemed to be battle after battle. I can see why since there are two new trainers who want to capture as many Pokemon as they can, but too many battles that are in the story just so that the trainers can get more Pokemon for their teams gets dull, no matter how well they are done. You can put some interesting plot twists instead, something exciting that makes the story more exciting. If you want to for a character to get a new Pokemon, you can just say something along the lines of, “From the walk through the forest, Max had managed to catch a rowdy Machop. As Johnny thought back to the battle between the electric lion and the human-shaped Pokemon, he was in awe at how long it took.” Long story short, cut back on the battles. ^^;

Introduction: This was good, maybe a bit dull but good since it is a continuation. Just makes sure we are able to see the surroundings because I could only see the characters.

Grammar/Spelling: This was pretty good, actually. I saw no major grammar mistakes, and the mistakes I did see were merely typos or something else.

Quote:
He reached onto his battle and unhooked his three Pokeballs.
Should be “into” and “belt”

Quote:
Hey, dad it’s me, Johnny,” said Johnny.
“Dad” should be capitalized since it is being used as name.

Quote:
Shinx scrunched his face together and released this energy in a one attack.
You don’t need the “a”.

Quote:
“Alright, Linoone, here we go!”
A comma is needed.

Quote:
The badger Pokemon charged a sphere of dark energy in his mouth, until it was large enough.
You don’t need the comma unless you were going to add something like: “,it was large enough to swallow him whole.”

Quote:
“I didn’t know you liked Shinxes so much,”
“Pokemon” and Pokemon names are the like the word “sheep”. The same word can be used as the singular form and the plural form. So in this case, it is just, “Shinx” just like more than one Eevee would still be “Eevee”.

Quote:
After walking for four hours, through the field, they arrived at Sandgem Town.
The comma isn’t needed.

Quote:
“I don’t know, Is Olivine City in Johto?”
“Is” shouldn’t be capitalized.

Quote:
“Well, I guess brothers think alike,” said Fred.
The apostrophe isn’t needed.

Just look out for typos when you proofread, they are really annoying for everybody. ^^;

Also the battles at the end should be separated into paragraphs, it was hard to read. O_o;

Length: No probs here.

Description/Detail: First of all, I would like to say kudos to you in this area because it is much better than in your first story. Things were described more vividly than before, both the characters and the surroundings. All I would say here is to elaborate more on your descriptions and details by adding the other senses, not just sight. Maybe they Johnny and Max heard the mad buzzing of Gligar’s wings before they saw him coming, the noise cutting through the air like a kitchen knife. Maybe as Charmander burned the Ralts, the faint smell of burning flesh rose into the air. This will just make the story more vivid, and the descriptions will stick more. I’ll be looking for improvement in this area in your next story so make sure to work on it. ;)

Battle: Like the description area, this was better than in your last story. All I would say to work on is the description because if your descriptions improve, so will the battles. Also, try to add more variety in your battles by using more moves other than Confusion , Flamethrower, Wing Attack, etc. All of these Pokemon have a lot of moves in their move pool, using as man as you can in your battles will be much better.

Outcome: Well, this borderline for me. On one hand, you improved since last time description and battle-wise, but on the other hand, the plot was not all that exciting, at least, not for three Mediums. For now, I’m going to say: Gligrar and one Ralts captured! I’ll give you the second Ralts if you add some kind exciting twist in the story, something that will pique my interest (but that doesn’t mean it can be random, it has to be related at least somewhat to the plot). I’m not asking for much, just something that will make things more interesting. PM me for a re-grade whenever you want and good luck! ^^

- Kat
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  #23  
Old 05-15-2008, 09:20 PM
poke123 Offline
 
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Default Re: Wild Charmander Chase

I added a twist and changed some other stuff, so i would like a regrade please.
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  #24  
Old 05-15-2008, 10:41 PM
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Default Re: Wild Charmander Chase

It's better and we got to see more of the captain than just agreeing to go along with them them and then disppearing with a trace (although the captain's sudden shift in moods was quite odd O_o;;). Since it was borderline before and this made things slightly more interesting: Ralts catpured!

Remember that as you write more in the URPG, I'll expect more form you since you've had more experience. We want a plot that gets us to the edge of our seats so the story should be more than just trainers walking from place to place, having battles, and occasionally stopping a small nuisance. I'm going to look out for these things the next time around so be sure to really have a plot that will make thinsg exciting. ;)

- Kat
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  #25  
Old 05-16-2008, 02:34 AM
poke123 Offline
 
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Posts: 2,530
Default Re: Wild Charmander Chase

Quote:
Originally Posted by PhantomKat7 View Post
It's better and we got to see more of the captain than just agreeing to go along with them them and then disppearing with a trace (although the captain's sudden shift in moods was quite odd O_o;;). Since it was borderline before and this made things slightly more interesting: Ralts catpured!

Remember that as you write more in the URPG, I'll expect more form you since you've had more experience. We want a plot that gets us to the edge of our seats so the story should be more than just trainers walking from place to place, having battles, and occasionally stopping a small nuisance. I'm going to look out for these things the next time around so be sure to really have a plot that will make thinsg exciting. ;)

- Kat
ok and thanks for the grade
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  #26  
Old 05-26-2008, 03:44 PM
poke123 Offline
 
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Posts: 2,530
Default Re: Wild Charmander Chase

Here's my third story.
Its a continuation of the last one

Pokemon: Elekid and Magby
Category:2 Simples(Magby and Elekid 5-10K each) total 10-20K
# Words: 3.862
# of Characters with spaces: 17,290
# of Characters with no spaces: 21,106
Status: Ready to grade!

i wonder if anyone can guess where i got the title from?


Sweet Egg o' Mine

Finding the Right People for the Job

“Combusken, use Fire Spin!” shouted a blond-haired teenager.

The Pokemon next to the boy looked like a big chicken Pokemon, but instead of wings it had two arms with three claws at the end. The upper half of its body was covered in yellow feathers, while the lower half was covered in orange feathers. Its thighs were huge in comparison to the rest of its body. At the top of its head it had three feathers sticking out. Obeying its trainer’s orders, the Young Fowl Pokemon looked up, built up heat and released it from its beak. A blazing spiral of fire erupted from its beak.

“What do you think of that?” asked the blond-haired teenager.

A man, who was standing a few feet away from him, seemed rather unimpressed. He was dressed formally. He had a striped dress shirt and suit pants. He was also wearing a tie. He had a briefcase in one hand and a Pokeball in the other.

“I told you already. I only choose people who I see in battle,” said the man.

“Yeah, but did you not just see my Combusken? She’s really strong. Why won’t you pick me?” whined the teenager.

“As I’ve said time and again, it is up to me to decide and I will only pick someone who has great skills in battle, not someone who has strong attacks. There is a lot more to battling than strong attacks,” said the man calmly as he began to walk away.

All of a sudden, the man heard a series of shouts and he turned around to see what all the commotion was about. When he turned around he saw that there was a mob of Pokemon trainers, all with Pokeballs in their hands frantically waving them in the air.

“Pick me! Pick me!” the mob shouted as they ran towards the man with the briefcase.

The man’s eyes widened and he began to sprint away from the trainers.

“What did I get myself into?” wondered the man.

After being pursued for nearly ten minutes, the man was out of breath. He was bent over gasping for breath. He looked around and saw that the mob was no where in sight. In front of him, was a thick forest which led to Route 202. The only thing separating him and the forest was the fifteen-foot cliff which he was standing on. Then, the ground beneath him began to crumble and he plummeted into the forest below. Some tree broke his fall, but he was still sore all over. He wearily stood up, took a deep breath, and decided to look for a way out. The forest smelled like ripe fruits. He began making his way through the forest until he reached the edge of it. He tripped over a tree root and fell in front of a shrub.

He heard a big commotion and he decided to look through the cover of the shrubbery. He saw a brown-haired teenager with a Shinx fighting against a Machop. The little lion Pokemon used strong electric attacks to subdue the small, gray Pokemon. The brown-haired boy then caught the Pokemon and turned towards the bush that the man was hiding behind. The brown-haired teenager was accompanied by a black-haired teenager. From what he had heard, there names were Max and Johnny. Johnny began walking towards the forest and Max was right behind him. The man with the briefcase began walking back into the forest. He didn’t want them to see him because he wanted to see them battle again. He began to hear a strange buzzing sound behind him. Two Ralts popped out from between two trees and ran past him, apparently running away from whatever was making the buzzing noise. One Ralts seemed to be dragging the other one behind it. Then, the source of the buzzing noise sped past the man. It was a purple blur. He followed the three Pokemon into a clearing where there were no trees. He stood at the edge of the clearing when he saw that Johnny and Max were already there. Johnny quickly defended the two Ralts and began to battle the Gligar that had been bullying the Ralts. Johnny sent out a small, blue mudfish Pokemon. He subdued it after an intense battle and proceeded to capture it. Johnny’s Mudkip approached the two Ralts, but he was quickly enveloped in a blue aura and they slammed him into a tree using their Confusion attacks. Johnny then sent out two more Pokemon. One was an orange lizard and the other was a brown bird. Charmander and Starly did well in the battle and defeated the two Ralts. Johnny quickly captured them. Max picked up all three Pokeballs and gave them to Johnny. The man stepped into the clearing and began to clap.

“Splendid battle! My name is Walter,” said the man with the briefcase as he extended his hand.

Johnny looked at the middle-aged man. He had short, neat hair. It was a deep brown color. He was wearing a dress shirt and dress pants.

“My name is Johnny,” said Johnny, still confused about where the man had come from.

“The name’s Max,” said Max.

“I’m sorry to startle you, but I happened to see the both of you battle and I have to say, I’m impressed. Both of you battled magnificently. I don’t suppose you’ve heard of the Jubilife Tournament Extravaganza?” asked Walter.

“Nope,” said Johnny and Max.

“Well, it is a tournament that is held every three years in Jubilife City. It is held in the Jubilife Arena in the middle of town. It’s a tradition that started about a decade ago. You see, thirty-two officials are chosen and they are given a suit case with four boxes and four envelopes. Each official must find four trainers, whom they think would be a good participant in the tournament. I usually choose people who I see in battle, but they cannot know I’m there or that I am an official because they will usually try to show off. Now, I was running from a mob of trainers who wanted me to pick them, when I fell down a small cliff and into this forest. I saw both of you battle and I was inspired. So, I will give you this,” said Walter as he put his briefcase on the floor and got on one knee to open it. The inside of the briefcase was lined with silk. There were four spaces to put something in. Two of them were empty. The other two had a white box with no markings and an envelope in each space. Walter picked up both envelopes and both boxes and gave a box and an envelope to Max and Johnny.

“What is it?” asked Johnny curiously as he inspected the box.

“It’s a Poke Watch or Poketch for short. It is like a watch, but it also has many other applications. If you flip to the second application, you can see a timer counting down. This tells you how much time until the tournament starts,” said Walter.

Both teenagers got the watches out of their boxes and put them on. They fiddled with it and finally found the button used to switch between applications. Johnny’s watch was deep blue and Max’s watch was a lush, forest-like green.

“Now, the tournament starts in exactly two weeks. The opening ceremony will begin at 2 p.m. and the first battle will be at 2:30 p.m. You will have to be at the stadium by the time the opening ceremony begins or you will be disqualified. Sometime in the next two weeks, you should stop by the stadium and register. All you do is show them the pass that is in the envelope and you are done,” said the man with the briefcase.

He was about to walk away, when he remembered something and took out his Pokeball and a pen.

“Can I see your envelopes?” asked Walter as he reached out his hand.

“Sure,” said Johnny and Max as they handed their envelopes to Walter.

Walter opened them both up and took out a small card from each. He signed both and threw his Pokeball in the air. From it emerged a small, brown-furred fox. It had six small tails. The fur on its tails was red. The small Vulpix looked up at Walter questioningly.

“I need you to use a small Ember on it these passes again Vulpix,” Walter said calmly.

The Vulpix smiled and began to concentrate. It produced two tiny wisps of fire and accurately shot them at the corner of each pass. The fire burned the edge off.

“My signature and my Vulpix’s Ember on the corner verifies that I presented you these passes and you didn’t steal them,” said Walter as he shook the passes to cool them off.

He then put them back in the envelopes and gave them to the two teenagers. He turned around and began walking towards the city once more.
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  #27  
Old 05-26-2008, 03:45 PM
poke123 Offline
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 2,530
Default Re: Wild Charmander Chase

Here's my third story.
Its a continuation of the last one

Pokemon: Elekid and Magby
Category:2 Simples(Magby and Elekid 5-10K each) total 10-20K
# Words: 3.907
# of Characters with spaces: 17,453
# of Characters with no spaces: 21,314
Status: Ready to grade!

i wonder if anyone can guess where i got the title from?


Here's the summary of the previous two stories:

Story 1: Johnny is a new trainer that just got to Sinnoh. He overhears a conversation between some people that a Charmander has been spotted. After this, a wild goose chases ensues and everyone is trying to catch Charmander. At the end, Johnny makes a new friend, Max, and catches the Charmander and a Starly who had been following him.

Story 2: Johnny decides to call his parents and tell them that he caught two Pokemon. His dad informs him that Johnny's uncle is going to visit him and wants Johnny to take care of a Pokemon Egg. On the way there, Max catches his first Pokemon. Johnny arrives at the docks and sees his uncle. He receives the egg and then a Gligar flies from the ship chasing the captain's Pokemon. After retrieving the captain's Pokemon, Johnny and Max head to Jubilife City, where Max catches a Machop along the way. Johnny then runs into the Gligar bullying two Ralts. Johnny quickly battles the Gligar and catches him. Then, he has to catch the two Ralts because they attack him. In the end he catches both Ralts.

Sweet Egg o' Mine

Chapter 1: Finding the Right People for the Job

“Combusken, use Fire Spin!” shouted a blond-haired teenager.

The Pokemon next to the boy looked like a big chicken Pokemon, but instead of wings it had two arms with three claws at the end. The upper half of its body was covered in yellow feathers, while the lower half was covered in orange feathers. Its thighs were huge in comparison to the rest of its body. At the top of its head it had three feathers sticking out. Obeying its trainer’s orders, the Young Fowl Pokemon looked up, built up heat and released it from its beak. A blazing spiral of fire erupted from its beak.

“What do you think of that?” asked the blond-haired teenager.

A man, who was standing a few feet away from him, seemed rather unimpressed. He was dressed formally. He had a striped dress shirt and suit pants. He was also wearing a tie. He had a briefcase in one hand and a Pokeball in the other.

“I told you already. I only choose people who I see in battle,” said the man.

“Yeah, but did you not just see my Combusken? She’s really strong. Why won’t you pick me?” whined the teenager.

“As I’ve said time and again, it is up to me to decide and I will only pick someone who has great skills in battle, not someone who has strong attacks. There is a lot more to battling than strong attacks,” said the man calmly as he began to walk away.

All of a sudden, the man heard a series of shouts and he turned around to see what all the commotion was about. When he turned around he saw that there was a mob of Pokemon trainers, all with Pokeballs in their hands frantically waving them in the air.

“Pick me! Pick me!” the mob shouted as they ran towards the man with the briefcase.

The man’s eyes widened and he began to sprint away from the trainers.

“What did I get myself into?” wondered the man.

After being pursued for nearly ten minutes, the man was out of breath. He was bent over gasping for breath. He looked around and saw that the mob was no where in sight. In front of him, was a thick forest which led to Route 202. The only thing separating him and the forest was the fifteen-foot cliff which he was standing on. Then, the ground beneath him began to crumble and he plummeted into the forest below. Some tree broke his fall, but he was still sore all over. He wearily stood up, took a deep breath, and decided to look for a way out. The forest smelled like ripe fruits. He began making his way through the forest until he reached the edge of it. He tripped over a tree root and fell in front of a shrub.

He heard a big commotion and he decided to look through the cover of the shrubbery. He saw a brown-haired teenager with a Shinx fighting against a Machop. The little lion Pokemon used strong electric attacks to subdue the small, gray Pokemon. The brown-haired boy then caught the Pokemon and turned towards the bush that the man was hiding behind. The brown-haired teenager was accompanied by a black-haired teenager. From what he had heard, there names were Max and Johnny. Johnny began walking towards the forest and Max was right behind him. The man with the briefcase began walking back into the forest. He didn’t want them to see him because he wanted to see them battle again. He began to hear a strange buzzing sound behind him. Two Ralts popped out from between two trees and ran past him, apparently running away from whatever was making the buzzing noise. One Ralts seemed to be dragging the other one behind it. Then, the source of the buzzing noise sped past the man. It was a purple blur. He followed the three Pokemon into a clearing where there were no trees. He stood at the edge of the clearing when he saw that Johnny and Max were already there. Johnny quickly defended the two Ralts and began to battle the Gligar that had been bullying the Ralts. Johnny sent out a small, blue mudfish Pokemon. He subdued it after an intense battle and proceeded to capture it. Johnny’s Mudkip approached the two Ralts, but he was quickly enveloped in a blue aura and they slammed him into a tree using their Confusion attacks. Johnny then sent out two more Pokemon. One was an orange lizard and the other was a brown bird. Charmander and Starly did well in the battle and defeated the two Ralts. Johnny quickly captured them. Max picked up all three Pokeballs and gave them to Johnny. The man stepped into the clearing and began to clap.

“Splendid battle! My name is Walter,” said the man with the briefcase as he extended his hand.

Johnny looked at the middle-aged man. He had short, neat hair. It was a deep brown color. He was wearing a dress shirt and dress pants.

“My name is Johnny,” said Johnny, still confused about where the man had come from.

“The name’s Max,” said Max.

“I’m sorry to startle you, but I happened to see the both of you battle and I have to say, I’m impressed. Both of you battled magnificently. I don’t suppose you’ve heard of the Jubilife Tournament Extravaganza?” asked Walter.

“Nope,” said Johnny and Max.

“Well, it is a tournament that is held every three years in Jubilife City. It is held in the Jubilife Arena in the middle of town. It’s a tradition that started about a decade ago. You see, thirty-two officials are chosen and they are given a suit case with four boxes and four envelopes. Each official must find four trainers, whom they think would be a good participant in the tournament. I usually choose people who I see in battle, but they cannot know I’m there or that I am an official because they will usually try to show off. Now, I was running from a mob of trainers who wanted me to pick them, when I fell down a small cliff and into this forest. I saw both of you battle and I was inspired. So, I will give you this,” said Walter as he put his briefcase on the floor and got on one knee to open it. The inside of the briefcase was lined with silk. There were four spaces to put something in. Two of them were empty. The other two had a white box with no markings and an envelope in each space. Walter picked up both envelopes and both boxes and gave a box and an envelope to Max and Johnny.

“What is it?” asked Johnny curiously as he inspected the box.

“It’s a Poke Watch or Poketch for short. It is like a watch, but it also has many other applications. If you flip to the second application, you can see a timer counting down. This tells you how much time until the tournament starts,” said Walter.

Both teenagers got the watches out of their boxes and put them on. They fiddled with it and finally found the button used to switch between applications. Johnny’s watch was deep blue and Max’s watch was a lush, forest-like green.

“Now, the tournament starts in exactly two weeks. The opening ceremony will begin at 2 p.m. and the first battle will be at 2:30 p.m. You will have to be at the stadium by the time the opening ceremony begins or you will be disqualified. Sometime in the next two weeks, you should stop by the stadium and register. All you do is show them the pass that is in the envelope and you are done,” said the man with the briefcase.

He was about to walk away, when he remembered something and took out his Pokeball and a pen.

“Can I see your envelopes?” asked Walter as he reached out his hand.

“Sure,” said Johnny and Max as they handed their envelopes to Walter.

Walter opened them both up and took out a small card from each. He signed both and threw his Pokeball in the air. From it emerged a small, brown-furred fox. It had six small tails. The fur on its tails was red. The small Vulpix looked up at Walter questioningly.

“I need you to use a small Ember on it these passes again Vulpix,” Walter said calmly.

The Vulpix smiled and began to concentrate. It produced two tiny wisps of fire and accurately shot them at the corner of each pass. The fire burned the edge off.

“My signature and my Vulpix’s Ember on the corner verifies that I presented you these passes and you didn’t steal them,” said Walter as he shook the passes to cool them off.

He then put them back in the envelopes and gave them to the two teenagers. He turned around and began walking towards the city once more.
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Last edited by poke123; 05-26-2008 at 03:55 PM.
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  #28  
Old 05-26-2008, 03:48 PM
poke123 Offline
 
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Posts: 2,530
Default Re: Wild Charmander Chase

Chapter 2: Training for the Tourney

Johnny and Max had no idea where to go, so they decided to keep going through the forest. When they got out of the forest there was a fifteen-foot cliff above them, separating them from the city. They kept walking along the outside of the forest until they reached a trail leading into the city. As soon as they walked into the city, they saw the Pokemon Center in which they had been a few days ago. The walked into the Pokemon Center and looked around. There were sofas all around the edge of the Pokemon Center. In the middle of the Pokemon Center there was a small, blue counter with pamphlets on it. At the end of the room was a big counter and behind it were a Chansey and pink-haired girl with a nurse’s uniform. Johnny and Max gave her their Pokeballs so she could heal them. After waiting for a while, they picked up their Pokeballs and were about to go outside when Nurse Joy began to talk to Johnny.

“I’m guessing you just caught those two Ralts and the Gligar?” asked Nurse Joy.

“Yes,” said Johnny wondering why she asked him that.

“Well, you should be careful with that Gligar, he’s a handful. The two Ralts you had are apparently siblings. One is a boy and one is a girl. The girl is wearing a bow. She found it and decided to put it on, so it’ll help you from mixing them up,”

“Thanks Nurse Joy,” said Johnny as he walked out of the Pokemon Center.

They decided they were going to train for the next couple of weeks. There was a big field right behind the Pokemon Center that was perfect for training.

For the first few days, all they did was battle. On the fifth day, they decided to change tactics. They were going to practice certain skills like firing long range. Johnny let all of his Pokemon out, except for Gligar. He had let Gligar out the first day, but it had been chaos. Gligar had knocked over everything and was attacking all the Pokemon. It had taken All of Johnny’s Pokemon to knock Gligar out. Johnny then grabbed the glass container holding his egg and pressed a button on the bottom. The glass receded and Johnny took out his lightning bolt decorated egg. He had it in his arms and began to instruct four of his Pokemon to use long range attacks on the targets that were going to be in the air. Starly was not participating because he did not have any long range attacks, but he did drop rocks for his teammates to use as targets. Max’s Pokemon did the same. Charmander launched a magnificent stream of flames which incinerated the rocks. The two Ralts used Confusion on the rocks and swung them around. Mudkip alternated between shooting a stream of crystal-clear water and shooting small clumps of mud at the rocks. Linoone was shooting Shadow Balls and Water Pulses. Shinx had gotten over excited and began shocking everyone with Discharge by accident. One stream of electricity hit Johnny and his egg. Johnny was enveloped in a yellow light as the electricity shocked him. He quickly looked at his egg, but saw nothing wrong with it, so he continued training.

On the tenth day, Mudkip was battling against Shinx when Mudkip began to glow all of a sudden. It grew and when the glowing stopped, he was a Marshtomp. He was taller and now stood on two legs instead of four. The fin on its head was larger and it had two more fins on its legs, one coming out of the back of each. His eyes were now orange. Johnny picked up and smiled. The day before the tournament started, Johnny and Max went to the stadium to sign up. They approached the front desk and were greeted by a red-haired woman in jeans and blouse. She accepted their passes, stamped them, and laminated them. Then, she gave them back to the teenagers and just like that Johnny and Max were ready for the tournament. They set up camp near the Pokemon Center and went to sleep early.
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  #29  
Old 05-26-2008, 03:49 PM
poke123 Offline
 
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Default Re: Wild Charmander Chase

Chapter 3: Finding Elekid

The next day, Johnny and Max were doing some last minute training about two hours before the tournament. They decided to have some lunch before they kept on training so they all sat down and began to eat. After they were done eating, Johnny made the mistake of opening Gligar’s Pokeball. From it emerged the purple, bat-like Pokemon and it began to attack everyone. Johnny’s Pokemon quickly managed to pin Gligar down. It struggled to break free, but Johnny’s Pokemon wouldn’t let Gligar go. Johnny scooped up his egg to see if Gligar had hurt it and when he did, it began to glow. Then, a small yellow Pokemon hatched from the egg. It had black stripes, a black thunderbolt on its chest and chubby forearms. It had two horns on its head that were shaped like the prongs of an electrical plug. Elekid just looked up at Johnny curiously, wondering who the person carrying him was. Gligar, having been excited by the glowing white light, jumped up and began attacking Elekid. Elekid was frightened and jumped out of Johnny’s arms. It began charging up electricity and then let it all loose. Electricity was shooting from Elekid in all directions and hit everyone. While everyone was getting back up, the scared Pokemon ran into the forest. Johnny looked around, but did not see his Elekid.

“Elekid!” Johnny yelled.

“Don’t worry, we’ll find him,” said Max reassuringly.

Johnny looked at his watch and saw that there was forty-five minutes until the tournament started.

“Max, you go ahead to the stadium and I’ll catch up as soon as I find Elekid,” said Johnny.

“Are you sure?” asked Max.

“Yes, I’m positive. Now go,” said Johnny as he returned his Pokemon to their Pokeballs.

He began to sprint towards the forest frantically searching for his lost baby Pokemon. He began searching the edge of the forest, but to no avail. Then, he decided to look in the forest. He searched for about fifteen minutes until he came across a pond. It was a wide pond filled with crystal, clear water. There were many water Pokemon frolicking in the lake. At the edge of the pond was a small mound of berries with a small scorch marks. The berries left a trail leading into some bushes. Johnny decided to follow it because it might lead to Elekid. When he reached the bushes, he pushed some branches aside and saw Elekid and another Pokemon fighting. Johnny’s small electric Pokemon was fighting a small, duck-like Pokemon. It was small, red and had a lumpy head. Its stubby tail was wiggling out of excitement. Magby was shooting little balls of fire at Elekid to keep him back. Elekid was hit by the Ember and fell on his back. Johnny quickly ran in front of Elekid and began to fight Magby. He wasn’t going to let anyone hurt his Pokemon. Johnny let Ralts out of her Pokeball. Ralts emerged and looked around. She was confused because she had been in an open field just a minute ago and now she was in a forest.

“Ralts, use Confusion!” Johnny ordered.

Ralts reached onto its head, moved around its pink bow until it was comfortable, and began to glow with a deep, blue aura. Then, Magby was surrounded by the same aura and was lifted up into the sky. Ralts began to slam it into nearby trees. When Ralts finally let go of Magby, he was so dizzy he could barely walk. He quickly shook it off, took a deep breath and began to spew smoke out of its mouth. The Smokescreen attack engulfed Ralts, Johnny and Elekid. Johnny began to cough because the smoke had gotten into his lungs. Magby began to use Ember again and Ralts was hit all over. Johnny couldn’t see anything that was happening, but when the smoke cleared Johnny began to smell burning flesh. He quickly looked at Ralts and saw that she had burns all over her body. Ralts looked back and reassured him that she was fine. Magby walked up to the Ralts and pointed at something to the right of Ralts, while Ralts looked in the direction Magby was pointing, Magby hit Ralts hard across the face with his fist. Ralts was knocked down. Magby had used Faint Attack. Johnny knew Ralts wouldn’t last much longer, so he had to finish the battle quickly. Magby looked like he was about to use Ember again so Johnny had to do something.

“Ralts, use Double Team!” shouted Johnny.

Ralts began to glow in a white light and soon there were five clones of Ralts next to the original. Magby stopped charging up his Ember and instead ran at the Ralts with his fist ablaze. He used Fire Punch on two of the Ralts, but they were just clones. He turned around and punched another clone with his flaming fist. There were three Ralts left standing. Magby shot small, red fireballs at the two Ralts on the right, leaving only the original. Magby set his fist on fire and ran at Ralts. Ralts began to shine in a rainbow of colors and disappeared just as Magby’s fist was about to make contact with Ralts’ face. The Magby, completely missing his target, stumbled and fell onto the floor face first. He got up and looked around for his opponent. Ralts reappeared a few feet away from Ralts.

“Ralts, finish this up with Hidden Power!” ordered Johnny.

Ralts closed his eyes and little, white balls of light began to surround him and spin around him. He opened his eyes and looked at Magby. The spheres stopped spinning and flew at Magby making a loud sound as they whizzed by Johnny. They all hit him at the same time sending him flying. Magby was surprised by Ralts’ power and fainted on the spot. Johnny took out a Pokeball and tossed it at Magby. It hit Magby’s stomach and sucked him into the small sphere. It began to wiggle, but Johnny didn’t care. He quickly turned around to pick up his Elekid.

Elekid had been sitting behind Johnny the whole time, eating some berries and enjoying the show. Elekid didn’t know why this human was protecting him, but he was thankful. Johnny reached his arms out to pick Elekid up, but Elekid jumped back. Elekid put up its fists and pointed at Ralts. Johnny was confused at first, but then understood that Elekid wanted to battle. Ralts came over, but Johnny returned her to her Pokeball.

“Good job,” he whispered to his Pokeball as he put it away.

Johnny looked at his watch and saw that he only had fifteen minutes left. If he didn’t hurry, he wasn’t going to make it to the tournament. He took out another Pokeball out of his pocket and threw it in front of Elekid. From it emerged a blue, mud fish Pokemon. It had an orange circle on its belly, a large fin on its head, and two fins coming from the back of its legs. It stood upright, unlike Mudkip, its preevolution, who stood on all fours.

“Marshtomp, use Mud Bomb!” shouted Johnny.

Marshtomp began to shoot small fist sized clumps of mud towards Elekid. Johnny was sure that this would make the battle quick. Elekid looked at the incoming clumps of mud and raised his hands. A small yellow screen materialized in front of his hands as Elekid laughed. The Light Screen blocked all of the clumps of mud. Elekid was just playing with Johnny. It didn’t know what it could do, so it was trying it out on Marshtomp. Elekid smiled and began to spin its arms like two windmills. The rapid movement of his arms created a Discharge, which engulfed Marshtomp. The attack had no effect on Marshtomp and he simply yawned.

“Marshtomp, use Water Gun!” exclaimed Johnny.

Marshtomp took a deep breath and launched a clear stream of water from his mouth. Elekid simply blocked it with Light Screen again. This time, Elekid was going to try another attack. He ran at Marshtomp with his fist crackling with electricity and punched Marshtomp in the stomach. Marshtomp just stood there, expecting nothing to happen. When Elekid’s fist collided with Marshtomp’s stomach, it knocked the wind out of Marshtomp. Marshtomp was caught completely off guard because he thought it wouldn’t hurt at all because it was an electric type attack. Marshtomp was grabbing his stomach on the floor. Elekid followed up with another Thunder Punch, which sent Marshtomp to the floor. Marshtomp got up and shot another Water Gun at Elekid, but Elekid simply moved to the side and began to spin his arms. Instead of bolts of electricity coming from them, small, golden stars emerged from Elekid’s windmill arms. They hit Marshtomp causing Marshtomp to stagger. Marshtomp was determined to win, so he launched another Mud Bomb followed by the strongest Water Gun he could muster. Elekid put up a Light Screen which blocked the first clumps of mud, but shattered from the last clumps. It left Elekid wide open and he was hit by the Water Gun, which knocked him back. Marshtomp then ran at Elekid and slammed into him using Take Down. While Elekid was on the floor, Marshtomp used another strong Water Gun at him, pushing Elekid back. Elekid stood up and began to swing his arms like a windmill again. Marshtomp decided he was going to finish this right then and there. He concentrated and began shooting a barrage of mud clumps at Elekid. Elekid couldn’t withstand the constant barrage of mud that Marshtomp was launching. He staggered a bit and fell to the floor. Marshtomp smiled and Johnny looked around in his pockets for an empty Pokeball.

“I hope I didn’t hurt him too much,” thought Johnny.

Johnny found a Pokeball and tossed it at the Elekid, which was sucked into the small, red and white ball. It began to shake once, twice, and then he remembered about Magby. He looked around and couldn’t find the Pokeball. He looked back down at where Elekid’s Pokeball had been, but it was no longer there. Marshtomp walked up to him and presented him with two Pokeballs.


OOC: btw, the Pokeballs that Marshtomp is holding could be empty ( but i hope they aren't )

Pokemon: Elekid and Magby
Category:2 Simples(Magby and Elekid 5-10K each) total 10-20K
# Words: 3.907
# of Characters with spaces: 17,453
# of Characters with no spaces: 21,314
Status: Ready to grade!
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Last edited by poke123; 05-26-2008 at 03:57 PM.
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  #30  
Old 05-29-2008, 03:44 AM
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Phantom Kat Offline
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Default Re: Wild Charmander Chase

Yeah, concert yesterday too most of my time, so I couldn't do it yesterday. ^^;

And most of my grade is me nitpicking because you've improved so much, all you need to take care of is the finer details that will make your story even better. ^^

Plot: So Walter is an official for the Jubilife Extravaganza but is having problems as multiple trainers want to show off to him. After a rather painful entrance, he sees John and Max battling, and when they finish, the ma invites them to the contest. As they going, though, John’s egg hatches into an Elekid, and Gligar chases away the hatchling. While Max goes out to the tournament, John chases Elekid and finds him battling a Magby. After two battles, he attempts to catch them both.

This was pretty good for the two Pokemon. At first, I thought the captures were going to happen during the tournament, but I was glad that it was more of a sidetracked mission. The whole with Gligar being a handful does add a touch of realism; it is true that not all trainers can control their Pokemon with ease and that not all Pokemon obediently follow their trainer’s orders. Overall, it was nice, and I didn’t lose interest in it once.

Something I would suggest to add to your story is more of the character’s inner thoughts, feelings and emotions. How did John and Max feel when they were invited to the tournament? How did John feel about the egg he held? What did John feel as he was searching for Elekid as he knew if he was late to the tournament, he would be disqualified? Incorporating these inner thoughts and feelings of your characters helps the story feel less dry, and it also helps us understands why characters did what.

Introduction: Hehe, I loved how you opened up. Since I didn’t remember what John or Max looked like, I thought the blonde-haired trainer was John. Glad to know I was proven wrong. The whole thing with Walter being chased by the mob of trainers was funny and how the official ended up where John and Max was funnier. I couldn’t see the surroundings in here, only the characters and their Pokemon. Just work on bring in your surroundings a bit more.

Grammar/Spelling: This was really good, I didn’t see any major mistakes; the mistakes you did make were just typos or something minor you are not aware of.

Quote:
He looked around and saw that the mob was no where in sight.
“Nowhere” is one word.

Quote:
“I need you to use a small Ember on it these passes again, Vulpix,” Walter said calmly.
I think I already mentioned this to you, but I’m not sure. Whenever one character addresses another, a comma is needed before the name of the character that is being addressed like how I corrected above.

Quote:
Ralts reached onto its head, moved around its pink bow until it was comfortable, and began to glow with a deep, blue aura.
I’m pointing this out because something you referred to the Ralts as an “it”, “he”, and “she”, and it made confusing when I was reading the battle. O_O; Make sure you watch out for that because it CAN mess up the reader, especially when you have of the same kind like the Ralts siblings.

All the other mistakes were merely typos, so just make sure you proofread more carefully.

Length: No problems here, excellent job! ^^

Description/Detail: Gah, I just want to hug you because you improved a lot from your first story. ^^ This was a lot better than before, I had a good picture throughout the whole story. The Pokemon were described nicely and so were the characters. I would suggest incorporating more of your surroundings in your story: how the weather was like, how the grass felt beneath John’s feet, etc. I will just help liven up your story.

Also, I want to point out two things:

In the introduction, you describe the trainer as “blonde-haired” twice. Instead of saying he had blonde hair again, you can mention the color of his eyes, the style of clothes he wore, or something else. In addition, instead of using the character’s names or using words like “the man” throughout the whole story, you can spice it up with stuff like: “the husky adult”, “the raven-haired youth”, and stuff like that. It will make your story seems less dull.

Another thing is that now that you have a good description in your story, you can now concentrate on the small details. What I mean is that you can add to stuff you already have like this:

Quote:
Magby hit Ralts hard across the face with his fist. Ralts was knocked down.
Above, I have a picture as to what the two Pokemon are doing. Now, you can add the small details like how Magby hit Ralts across the face and how Ralts was knocked down. BY adding the finer details you can add to something like this:

Quote:
Magby grinned at the sight of him having the upper hand and balled his paw, heat immediately radiating off his fist. Rushing forward, small feet pounding on the dirt floor, he let his fist crash down onto the psychic’s right cheek. With her head snapping sharply to the left, she stepped back and stumbled on an upturned rock.
When you add details like these, it can totally transform your story, and since you have already have a good, solid description going on, I’m sure you’ll have no problem with this. =)

Battle: You know, you make it hard to critic. This was done very well, both battles were two-sided, and the attacks were well described. Like I said above, if you work on the finer details, this will improve ten-fold. Incorporating more of your surroundings in the battle can also help, and it will make things more interesting.

Outcome: Really, I had no doubt after I read the story: Elekid and Magby captured! This was nice read especially because I saw good improvement. Make sure you double check your grammar and add more of the characters’ feelings and inner thoughts in the story. Also, if you work on the fine details in your description, your story will be even better. Continue to write, and have fun with your new Pokemon! ^^

- Kat
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