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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 05-16-2008, 04:54 AM
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Default Mount Freeze

Hopefully I'll get through five chapters/parts of this story. D:

Mt. Freeze



January 7th 2011
Entry Number: 1
Days Since departure: 4
Status: Warm; enough food; 17 miles away
Pokemon Caught: None
Pokemon Seen: None


The massive mound of rock and ice towered in front of me.

Now, that I’ve caught my first glimpse, I’ve decided that this should be written down. All of it. First thing you should know is that my name is Kronos, and I am an explorer. You will get to know me in due time.

Of course this has happened. I will be writing the headings as I saw them at the beginning of the entry, not at the end. I believe that offers some sort of clarification to you readers.

I stood at the edge of a massive, icy precipice, overlooking a frosty forest down in the valley. Gleaming white snow sat atop the green leaves. It has a serene natural beauty, and was seemingly peaceful. A peacefulness, which I knew to be nonexistent. On the other side of that forest, towering above me was Mt. Freeze, a lone peak.

I stuck my boots out of the white snow, and turned around. I had seen my destination, and that was all what I had some to this cliff for. You might call me crazy, wanting to go to such an unforgiving place. A place which none have come back from, a place that is rumored to have a body every step of the way. Dozens of great explorers have gone to the place. None returned. Great explorers like Drangord of Snowpoint, who was a great Ice/Dragon trainer. Gorromet who had the greatest Metagross the world had ever seen. Last month, Blaine, the Cinnabar Island gym leader came here. Of course, he hadn’t returned.

I would be the first back from the foreboding place. My lone Pokemon trudged beside me. Jolteon, the four foot long cat who’s fur stood up and the were shimmering with electrical energy. The yellow fur glistened in the sunlight, as we entered the part of the forest closest to the precipice. It was a short walk, and then down a narrow hill. Then, we’d go straight through the forest, until we got to the Mountain. We trudged through the snow.

We covered ground quickly, despite the cold. We had packed light, brining only imperishable food, a pot, a waterproof sleeping bag, a book, and a waterproof heavy jacket. Oh, and of course we had Pokeballs. Five in total.

That was the number of Pokemon that I had to bring back in order to prove that I had been here, and survived. Then, you might ask, “Why not just stay in the less harsh forest, as it doesn’t sound as deadly?”

Because I am going for the biggest prize at the peak. Legend has it that at the peak, there stands a lone Pokemon, the guardian of the peak. Its Power apparently radiated throughout the entire mountain, empowering the Pokemon that lived there. That was why the Pokemon here were so ferocious.

I grumbled, and sat down in a small icy clearing. There was a small patch of dirt in the center. Well, big enough to light a fire, at least. We gathered twigs, and after a spark from Jolteon, we had a small fire. In an hour it was warm enough boil a pot of ice. Soon after we had a meal of fresh water, some small roots, and dried meat. Not a feast, but it kept us going, until we fell asleep. I left the fire going, to let it burn itself out later. That was not the best of ideas.

*****

January 8th 2011
Entry Number: 2
Days Since departure: 5
Status: Warm; enough food; 15 miles away
Pokemon Caught: None
Pokemon Seen: None


The sun had just peeked over the frozen treetops when I had my first encounter with the vicious bandits. It jumped out of the darkness, no doubt attracted by the tiny lingering flame that gasped its last breaths in the pit. The Pokemon gave off a low growl and a bark, as it landed in the pit of ashes. I shot up, straight, rigid, and completely awake, and saw our intruder.

It was a small dog-like Pokemon maybe two feet tall at the most, with a red muzzle, and under belly. Pearly white bones stuck out of his head, and protruded out of his back. The rest of his body was jet black.

It growled, flames spurting out of its mouth in all directions. Jolteon leapt into action, jumping off of her resting area, for a fight. She slammed into the dog’s side, knocking him back into the snow.

I jumped to my feet, ready to shout a command. “Thunderbolt, Jolteon!” I yelled, as I swiped my brown hair out of my face.

The dog Pokemon jumped to its feet, and growled. Jolteon stood her ground. The spikes on her back glowed, and electrical currents shot from each hair on Jolteons back, towards the dog. The dog leapt to its left, and the electricity smashed into a pile of snow, with a tiny explosion.

The dog barked, and launched a stream of streaming hot flames out of its gaping mouth. Jolteon held her ground as the flames rushed towards here. At the last second, I yelled, “Light Screen! Follow up with a Quick Attack!”

An invisible wall materialized in front of the flames, dispersing them away from Jolteon. A cloud of smoke billowed out of the contact spot. Jolteon leapt into one side of it and al most instantly appeared on the other side, ramming into the dog. A loud crack sounded, a low pitying moan, and the dog’s left front leg gave way. It collapsed, but slowly got itself up, whimpering. Keeping the leg aloft the Pokemon scampered into the dense forest. It was out of sight in seconds.

Jolteon breathed heavily. She stood her ground, expecting another attacker to leap out at her. A dense fog had suddenly rolled in, during the battle, taking us by surprise. Visibility was limited to our tiny camp site, and that alone. We quickly gathered our supplied, doused the last ember in the fire, and trudged off into the snow.

There was no noise. I was not even sure if this was the right way to go. We didn’t see anything, but the white, white clouds. However fog here was common, so we were not, not expecting it. The two of us trudged on.

Every so often, there was a ruffle from the forest, like a small Pokemon scampering around on the forest floor, or a bird taking flight from a branch. Every time we heard something Jolteon paused, her ears perked up, listening attentively. Nothing came though. It must have just been startled by us, and scampered off.

I had taken out the book I had brought. The Pokemon that attacked us at the camp site was called Houndour, a fire type. I almost wished that I had captured it now. I flipped the page, to see what other types of Pokemon I could see. With my face buried in the book, I didn’t see where I was going, and slammed into a tree.

I fell into the soft snow, my forehead stinging. The tree screeched, furiously at me. The horrible sound filled my ears, and I groaned with pain. The tree even scared me. It must have some sort of powers to be able to make noise like that. I look up at the tree, and saw dozens of gleaming red yes looking down on me.

Jolteon hissed and spat, as the bodies attached to the eyes swooped down on dark grey wings. I leapt up to my feet. Orange claws and beaks stabbed at my face and jacket. I tried to swat them away, and cover my face, so I had the birds away from my face long enough to scream, “Jolteon, Thunder!”

A massive yellow bolt of lighting flew from the sky and smashed into Jolteon. The lightning radiated outward, electrocuting each one of the bird. They screeched, seemingly suspended in the air, as lightning coursed through their bodies. Then they took off as soon as the pain left them. All of then took off into the fog, smoking.

I leaned on the tree, panting. My book had been charred up. I could not read it at all, so I left it there. The ground was bare, as the snow had melted off completely, from the attack, and a black burn mark was imbedded upon the tree. I was miraculously unharmed by Jolteon’s Thunder attack, but the bird attack left me scratched up, and a massive slash over my left grey eye. It stung, but I ignored it.

Abandoning the remains of the book, we walked deeper into the forest. Alert, and wary, just in case more Staravia or Houndour or some other Pokemon attacked. Luckily for us, nothing did. I did, however, have a strange feeling as if something was following us, just out of sight.

In about an hour the surroundings turned from white fog to a grey night, still obscuring everything more than seven feet away from view. We settled down a patch of particularly deep snow. It was far softer than the hard ground that we had slept on last night. No fire was lit, as it was far too foggy for us to find firewood, and instead we went without water. I kept the pack of supplies in between me and Jolteon, just in case that thing that had been following us was in the shadows, waiting for a moment to strike.

*****

January 9th 2011
Entry Number: 3
Days Since departure: 6
Status: Warm; enough food; 12.5 miles away
Pokemon Caught: None
Pokemon Seen: Houndour (1), Staravia (12 approx.)


Whatever that had been following us never stuck during the night. We awoke to find all of our supplies exactly as we left them, where we left them. The white mask of fog had not lifted, so we still were blinded by this white haze. It was eerie. Why had it been here for the past two days? None of the books, or legends, had said anything about this. I suppose it was something new that the Pokemon who lived in Mount Freeze did to shroud the place in mysteries.

I grumbled, grabbed the jerky from my bag and gobbled it down immediately, and gave some to Jolteon. That was gone in seconds too. We were completely out of water, so our objective today was to find a stream. Harsh, swift rivers snaked through the trees, so it couldn’t be too hard to find one. Well, normally it wouldn’t be hard, if out eyesight wasn’t limited to five feet away from us.

I grumbled annoyed at how this fog was keeping simple things like finding resources a challenge. I expected the ferocious Pokemon that dwelled here to be the main difficulty, not something as simple as resources. Either way that just gave me another challenge to overcome, another puzzle that I would undoubtedly solve. With that final thought we jogged out into the fog filled forest.

The morning was uneventful. We only crossed paths with a tiny brown and tan bird with stubby little wings and a pathetically small beak. It raged at us, like the other Pokemon, but the Pidgey was dispatched in a quick flash of light from Jolteon. Its body smoked and it tumbled out of the sky and onto the ground. Its feathers were burnt off and its eyes were still open, frozen. I checked for a pulse, but there was none. The bird was dead. I grabbed it and threw it into my pack.

We saw nothing else; until we sat down to eat lunch. I had the Pidgey, and I we decided to cook it. Back in a Viridian, Pidgey is eaten like chicken. There was at least one Pidgey dish in every restaurant with a non-veg option.

I set the bird down, and almost as soon as I did a frozen wind ripped through the forest. The snow on the ground was whipped up and leaves were torn off their branches, freezing before they hit the ground. The wind was a lone wind. It was somewhat odd, and mysterious. We stood waiting for it to subside. The grey mask of fog was torn from the ground revealing our surroundings.

To my right was a small trickling stream, obviously filled with freezing cold water. A thin layer of ice sat on top of it. To the left, however, were three massive monsters staring at me.

Fangs protruded from each and every mouth, and I, Breakfast, could see saliva dripping from their mouths. The hairs on Jolteon’s back stood straight up, as she hissed at the famished attackers.

The first was a large brown bear, with fearsome long claws like steak knives, and teeth the size a human’s arm. He growled, and the small ruff around his neck rattled, and the yellow muzzle shook.

Next to him was a massive, almost dinosaur-like Pokemon. It was covered with blue scales, from the massive foot long horn on its head, all the way down to the bone crushing tail. Fangs sprouted from the reptilian jaw, as it roared hungrily.

On the bear’s other side stood a Pokemon that look like no animal that I had ever seen. The word that came to mind was “The Abominable Snowman”. Its massive white body sprouted green arms and feet, and a huge ugly face that screamed terribly. Its large yellow eyes stared at us, as if we were the tastiest thing that it had laid his great yellow eyes on.

I recognized all three of these. Ursaring, Nidoqueen, and Abomasnow were their names. I had faced many battles with them during my travels. The ones I had seen were far smaller than these. These towered above us, twice my size, while the ones I had encountered previously were maybe only a foot or two taller than me. I had no more time to fathom why these Pokemon were as big as they were, be cause Nidoqueen, the dinosaur, leapt at us, her fangs bared, ready to sink them into my, and Jolteon’s flesh.
I rolled off to the left, and Jolteon shuffled off to right. Nidoqueen smashed into the ground where we had stood, throwing up a small cloud of dusty and snow. It roared and turned, charging at me. I rolled to my left again, as the giant Nidoqueen smashed into a tree behind me. It was reduced to nothing more than a pile of twigs.

I glanced over at Jolteon, in between Abomasnow and Ursaring. Both swiped at here with their massive firsts. Ursarinds claws grazed her back, and she yelped in pain. Four long slashes appeared as she tumbled to the ground. The two Pokemon charged at her, as she lay on the ground, unmoving.

“Agility!” I screamed at Jolteon, and obviously she heard. She stood up, her body glowing a pinkish hue. Suddenly, she raced impossibly fast out of the line of fire of the two Pokemon. It looked almost as though she had Teleported. The massive Pokemon smashed into each other with a sickening thud. Ursaring’s foot long claws sunk into the snowman’s belly, and a frozen fist smashed the bear on the head. The two fell down in a crumpled heap.

As I was watching, I forgot completely about Nidoqueen, and the thing smashed into me with the force of a speeding truck. I flew back, into a tree, with every inch of my body on fire. The world seemed hazy. Maybe the fog had rolled in again? No, that wasn’t it. Fog didn’t distort the colors, it blocked them out.

I cold see that Nidoqueen was finished with me. Screeching and flailing, it battled with Jolteon. Jolteon circled around her larger opponent, lashing out whips of electricity, to no avail. They bounced of harmlessly.

Nidoqueen smashed her tail around, ripping up the snow covered ground. Jolteon nimbly dodged each and every one of the strikes. It still took a toll on her. She seemed to get a bit sluggish, and backed a bit away.

I could not tell if that was me losing consciousness, or Jolteon losing out to fatigue. Either way, I had to say something, give some sort of command, so we could continue.

“Hidden Power,” I croaked.

Jolteon leapt back. Hundreds of tiny green balls materialized out of nowhere around her body. They launched themselves at Nidoqueen, smashing into her tough hide. The monster screeched in pain, stumbling backwards. Suddenly a cracking sound was heard in the midst of the tiny explosion. Nidoqueen had stumbled onto the frozen stream.

The crack suddenly exploded, and with a massive splash, Nidoqueen plunged into the frozen stream.

I smiled, and the world went black.

*****
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  #2  
Old 05-16-2008, 04:57 AM
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Default Re: Mount Freeze

*****

January? ?th 2011
Entry Number: 4
Days Since departure: ?
Status: Warm; enough food: 6? miles away
Pokemon Caught: None
Pokemon Seen: Houndour (1), Staravia (12 approx.), Pidgey (1), Nidoqueen (1), Ursaring (1), Abomasnow (1)

I awoke in a small warm bed, in a wooden room. My head and limbs felt heavy. I groaned and stirred slightly. The room was spinning and went in and out of focus. I had no idea how I could have gotten into a building. I was miles from the nearest civilization.

The second thing I thought was, “Where’s Jolteon?” I couldn’t see her at all, but then again, I was so pained, that she might have been right in front of my face. I tried to say that, but all that came out was, “Gwa klea.”

Someone else in the room stirred. She said something. I recognized the voice as an old man or women’s voice, probably a woman’s. That’s all I could tell, with my head being so disoriented. Something small yellow sprung out the corner, and landed on my chest. The thing began licking my face, in a way that I knew only Jolteon would. I grinned weakly. There was a humming sound that suddenly filled the room.

Almost instantly after the humming began, and an extremely fragrant smell filled my nostrils. It smelled like ancient herbs from China or India. I recognized them instantly, as that was where I hailed from. The smell of roses, and fresh air lingered with the scent of the herbs. I smelled different types of trees and grass, and I even got a whiff of some fruit that I thought was an exotic fruit like guava or mango.

As suddenly as the smell had come, it left leaving me good as new. I sat up on the soft bed, and started around the room. It was filled with nothing more than a single chair and the white bed that I was on. The chair was wooden, and sitting on it was an elderly woman. She was ancient and looked as though she was decomposing before my very eyes. Not a pretty sight.

Jolteon came into focus. She looked exactly the same as before, looking absolutely ecstatic. She sat on a part of the bed that I hadn’t occupied.

On the old woman’s lap was a small green and white hedgehog. I had never seen any Pokemon remotely like it. Its eyes were a deep blue color, and the spines that should have been on its back were green and leaf like. It had a kind face, and a single pink flower sticking out of it, just above its left ear.

The old woman spoke. Oddly, her lips did not move when she spoke “Good morning, peculiar one,” she said in a cool, high pitched voice.

“Morning,” I muttered back. “Thanks, for everything, but why am I peculiar? What have I done?”

“Shaymin has helped you. That is peculiar,” she said. Her lips moved this time, in a raspier voice. The voice was different, completely. It was odd

I assumed Shaymin was the hedgehog on the woman’s lap. She was odd, so I decided not to contradict her. Instead I asked her, “How long have I been here?”

“Three days,” she answered, in her high pitched voice. I realized that this voice was not the woman, but Shaymin. Then, she snapped, in the same voice, “Why have you angered Mespirit?”

“Who is Mespirit?” I asked.

“The beast that lives at the peak of Mt. Freeze. She controls the forest, and the mountain, and all the Pokemon in it. You angered her.”

“How would you know?” I snapped.

Shaymin is a legendary Pokemon,” the old woman answered back, in her raspy voice.

“I think it would be best if you left now,” said Shaymin.

“I don’t think that will happen soon,” I said.

The legendary hedgehog scowled. “Then Mespirit will kill you, the same way she almost did last time you had left the hut. Except I will not save you next time. Realize that the Pokemon in this forest are controlled by her.”

“I’m not leaving still,” I said stubbornly.

“Fine,” said Shaymin. “You will eat these plants then, sleep, and leave first thing in the morning.”

A pile of carrots appeared on my lap, and Shaymin disappeared. The old woman walked out of the room slowly. I believe I angered Shaymin. I do not believe that this was wise, but it must be done. I would not be leaving this forest now. I might be able to take Mespirit. Even if I do not, and it proves to be impossible, I will die trying.

With that thought, the last of the carrots was crunched up in my mouth, and Jolteon and I drifted off to sleep in the small hut of Shaymin.

*****

January 12th 2011
Entry Number: 5
Days Since departure: 10
Status: Warm; enough food: 6miles away
Pokemon Caught: None
Pokemon Seen: Houndour (1), Staravia (12 approx.), Pidgey (1), Nidoqueen (1), Ursaring (1), Abomasnow (1), Shaymin

I woke early the next morning and left. Shaymin had retrieved my pack, and I gladly picked it up, and left the wooden home. The second I stepped outside the door, a cloud of white fog rolled through the forest as if propelled by an unnatural force. We were blinded for a split second, and then the fog was gone. So was Shaymin’s small wooden house.

The home had been situated on the banks of a small river. The same one that Nidoqueen had fallen into a couple days ago, however that was far up stream. The forest was loaded with tall trees, and the ground was covered with a frosty snow.

We followed the river up stream. The source must have been Mount Freeze. The river was flowing no, and it was the only sound as we walked further and further into the depths of the forest.

I thought I saw silhouettes of monkey like Pokemon running through the tree tops. There was screeching in the distance, like a band of them, rallying them selves up. I dismissed it as something petty and small. They would not come after me.

The river kept snaking through the underbrush. Every step we took led us deeper into the forest, and it kept getting colder. Blocks of ice appeared in the river, and the snow on the ground got thicker. The canopy above started to look far more white than green now. I noticed that the underbrush was thinner. The more we walked the less of small plants we saw.

Eventually the both of us were shivering a bit, and snow had begun to fall. Jolteon groaned miserably, and we ducked into a small cave. The river seemed to flow through it as well. It was far thinner here, than it was when we were back at Shaymin’s small hut. It was only natural.

The river seemed to flow through this entire cave. I decided to sleep here, and finish the quest later. As I closed my eyes, I thought I saw a large blue-ish bug fly across, but I’m sure it is nothing dangerous.

*****

January 13th 2011
Entry Number: 6
Days Since departure: 11
Status: Warm; enough food: 4 miles away
Pokemon Caught: None
Pokemon Seen: Houndour (1), Staravia (12 approx.), Pidgey (1), Nidoqueen (1), Ursaring (1), Abomasnow (1), Shaymin

We awoke in the same cave, and started going forward again. The cave was dark, damp, and rocky. The rock walls seemed to go on forever in either direction. It was boring. Nothing was changing as we walked. I suspected that this might just be luring us into a false sense of security. I tried to keep my guard up, of course, I let it down. The lackluster walk through this cavern was sapping my senses.

Of course, at around midday, (I think), there was a massive explosion, blowing out the left wall. The entire cavern shook, and stones fell from the ceiling. Out of that wall stumped out a giant monster. It roared, and charged.

It was a deep purple color, with a single long horn atop its head, and long floppy ears. Spins ran down its back, down to the purple tail. The horn was lowered, glowing a sickly green, and pointed at us. With every step this monstrous Nidoking took, the entire cavern shook.

“Stop it with Hidden Power!” I yelled at Jolteon.

Jolteon ran up in front of my, but she tripped, and slammed, face first, into the hard ground. I yelled, and ran to her aid, but Nidoking was still charging. In seconds before I expected to be gored down by the massive horn.

Suddenly a blue light flashed in the center of the cavern, directly in front of the purple rhinoceros. It didn’t stop, and smashed into the blinding light, as though it were a wall of lead. The Pokemon, backed off, roaring in anguish, as the light faded.

A floating blue-ish fairy like Pokemon appeared, from the center of the light. The head was triangular, and its purplish eyes radiated power. The entire Pokemon was encompassed in what looked like, a light blue shield of light. From its tiny hands, the Pokemon blasted out a ray of purple energy, strait into Nidokings armored chest.

Nidoking roared in pain as blast smashed into him. He flipped over screeching, slammed into the hard cavern floor, and lay on its back. From there it twitched and then he stopped. From there on, it did not stir.

The floating Pokemon dropped its shield, and turned to me.

“I am Azelf,” it said. “Being of willpower.”

I stared at Azlef. A Pokemon that controlled some as vast and powerful as willpower, it must be the thing of legends. However, for a legendary Pokemon it was pretty small. Well so was Shaymin.

“You will impresses me,” he said is a deep voice, that certainly did not suit his small body. “Most mortals would not have continued if they were forewarned not to by a legendary Pokemon.”

“Thanks…,” I said somewhat warily. I stood up off the ground, called Jolteon, and then turned to the legendary Pokemon. “We will be going on our way now,” I said.

Azelf’s voice became higher, and took on a far more lighthearted tone. “I will join you!” he said happily, doing small loop-de-loops in the air.

I smiled. It would be nice to have a partner as powerful, and lighthearted as Azelf.

As we walked, I noticed that the ground and walls became damper around the underground river. I began talking to Azelf, questioning him about his origins, among other things, and the way to the peak of Mount Freeze.

The first thing I asked was why he could speak. I never bothered to ask Shamin, but it still struck me as odd. He told me that all legendary Pokeomn other than the three minor legends and Darkrai could talk. Well he thought Darkrai couldn’t talk. All it did was grumble and hiss.

Apparently, he came form the center of a lake a millennia ago. Where he, Mespirit, and another being called Uxie were born from there, they scattered. Mespirit had come to rest upon the top of the mountain.

As for Uxie he did not know. He thought that she had settled somewhere. Azelf himself obviously had not.

I asked him if he helped all travelers get through this cavern. According to him, only one, but he said this like it was a painful stab at his conscious. He did not elaborate, but changed the subject hastily. I assume he had failed. I of course, will not fail.

Soon, after walking for a little while, a roar at the end of out tunnel could be heard. It was faint, like the sound of a tidal wave, far in the distance.

I asked Azlef what that was, but he did not answer. He only smiled, and said,”You’ll find out soon enough. Nothing life threatening was out there, unless you do something stupid.”

He laughed a high pitched, joyous laugh, and I chuckled. I then asked him about his powers. He told be he was a psychic Pokemon by typing yet he had the bower to produces balls of dark energy, bolts of lightning, columns of flames, and much more. He said that he could even cause massive explosions, tearing apart huge plots of land, if he were angered. Making a mental note not to annoy him, I decided to ask him another question.

The roaring of the mysterious thing grew louder and louder still, as I said, “How far is it until we get to Mount Freeze, Azelf?”

Azelf laughed joyfully, as we turned left, through a short tunnel into a massive cavern.

I gasped, as we entered a cavern, with a ceiling that stretched beyond my eyesight, disappearing into darkness. From that ceiling dropped a massive column of water, that smashed into a lake at the bottom of the cavern, with tremendous noise, and a roar hundreds of times louder than that of a lion. It was a magnificent and great sight. The natural beauty was amazing.

The walls were wet, black, and rocky. I saw many tiny caves leading of into other parts of the cave, far up in the wall.

Then Azelf finally answered my question. “This is Mount Freeze,” he said. “We are inside.”

I stopped for a second. Frowning, I stood there, thinking. If this was really Mount freeze, where were the vicious Pokemon that were said to be guarding every inch? Maybe Azlef had frightened them. Maybe we were inside, and there were none here inside.

Both of those answers were wrong. Very, wrong.

Azelf hovered by the edge of the pool looking down. “That’s odd,” he yelled at me. “I expected Manaphy to be here. This connects to the sea you know.” I jogged up to wards him to hear him better, Jolteon running at my heels.

Then, Azelf said thoughtfully, “She’s probably having trouble with Kyogre agai-. “ The legendary Pokemon stopped. A blueish blur had flown from the one the walls, slamming into its head. The Pokemon plummeted into the water, face first. He did not resurface immediately.

The blur of a Pokemon skidded off onto land. I got a good look at it before Jolteon launched a blast of electrical bolts. It was almost like a fox, or jackal, except blue, and it stood on two legs. It had black markings on its face, like a raccoons, and pair of long ears.

The Pokemon swerved out of the way of Jolteon’s attack, and charged at her. I shouted out an order, and Jolteon raced up to meet it.

The two Pokemon were nothing, but blurs; one yellow, and other blue. The two smashed into each other, and skidded off into opposite direction. The blue jackal seemed unfazed. It leapt up into the air, and stuck flaming a leg out, aiming straight Jolteon’s back.

Jolteon hoped off to the side, as the intruder smashed into the ground next to her. I called for a Thunder Fang a bit late, and Jolteon’s electrically charged jaws hit nothing air. The jackal seemed to have disappeared.

Suddenly it appeared on Jolteon’s side, blindingly fast, and stuck an outstretched palm into Jolteon’s side. She gowned and tumbled backwards. Then, the blue Pokemon rushed forward, and slammed its body into Jolteon’s side.

“Thunderbolt!” I yelled, as Jolteon slowly got to her feet. The other Pokemon was readying itself for another attack. It rushed forward, only to be met by a massive blast of electricity from Jolteon.

It barely phased the little fox like Pokemon, Bruises appeared on its side, yet it still ran. Jolteon sidestepped the attack, ad the jackal flew past her. It tried to turn, but its momentum was far too much. The Pokemon came to a full stop, before it could turn and attack again.

“Shadow Ball!” I roared, “then Thunder Fang!”

A black and purple blob of energy materialized in front of her. It flew out at the small Pokemon, as it turned on the spot. Jolteon raced after it, as if chasing it, her jaws coursing with electricity.

The little jackal had to no time to respond, and the blob hit it in the face. Tumbling backwards, it became an easy target for Jolteon’s fangs. They easily found their mark, sending hundreds of volts of electricity through its tiny body.

It slowly got up. Smoke rose from its body, but it still managed to lunch a massive ball of brown energy at Jolteon. It materialized so fast that there was nothing she could do other than let it smash into her, and send her tumbling backwards.

The next thing she saw was the tiny Pokemon leap up into the air, getting ready for the final blow on the defenseless Jolteon.

Seconds before the Pokemo’s attack connected, and purple blast shot out from behind me into the Pokemon’s chest. It flew across to cavern into a grey wall. There was an explosion at the end, and the entire cave rumbled for a second and then it stopped.

I turned around, and to see a very welcome sight. Azelf had emerged from the water, looking furious. His face and eyes were blood red, and steam poured from the sides of its head. He floated over to the remains of the Pokemon he had just defeated, with giving me or Jolteon a second glance.

Jolteon slowly got to her feet and we followed. On the other side of the cavern, the jackal like Pokemon lay broken.

“Riolu,” muttered Azelf, “the first of the five great guards.”

Great guard. I though that was a nice title. So, I snatched a Pokeball out of my pack and tossed it at the Pokemon. Riolu turned into a red light, and was sucked up into the ball. Azelf nodded in approval, yet I did not know why.

$^%$^%$^%$^%$^%$^%$^%$^%$^%$^%$^%$^%$^%$^%$^%


thecincybengals (9:33:42 PM): give me credit at the end pl0x
It is for ideas for which mons to attack Kronos.

Pokemon going for: Riolu
Characters: 31,181
Required Characters: 20-30k or 30-40k I can't remember. Either way it's fine :x

Yeah, its ready. The entire story sorta feels odd for me. :(
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I need to have basic battles.

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  #3  
Old 05-17-2008, 10:45 PM
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Default Re: Mount Freeze

Haha... I finally graded it... :x

Plot/Story:
Explorer was exploring Mt. Freeze, gets attacked by Pokemon time and time again. Then is hurt (?) by a pack of angered ones, Shaymin a legendary hedgehog looking Pokemon helps the explorer and tells him to leave as he's disturbing another ancient Pokemon, Mesprit. But he doesn't give up and finds another legendary Pokemon; Azelf. Azelf guides the explorer and then they go inside of mount freeze and find the first "guardian" of it. Then combat happens.

It was definetly different from anything I've read, though it was a bit "go into forest/woods/etc catch/find Pokemon" at times. :x But for the most part it was different, but it could use improvement! Just make sure that your plots are a bit more interesting in the future and less of a 'find Pokemon,' though you had a reason to find the Pokemon and I was surprised that the "guardian" was the Pokemon you'd be wanting to catch through the story! Keeping readers on their toes is what you want to do. Make them wonder about what is going to happen next, or what had just happened and why.

I did like how this whole story was planned out though, through the journal-style thingie. That was interesting and it's not used much, but you used it effectively and not just in some random matter; the headings were interesting, keeping track of Pokemon and days and miles away. Those things all made me wonder on how they would effect the ends of a story. I had some unanwsered questions but this seems like it will be a continuations with a few more chapters/parts as you said before the story had begun.

This was pretty good, but had a few flaws like I said. Just make plots a bit more interesting in the future. :3

Introduction:
Fine for me. The first little small bit made me want to read on and you told me enough about the explorer and his Pokemon that I didn't have to wonder anything really anymore since I was hooked into the story and wanted to read more. Good job. :D

Grammar/Spelling:
I saw a few typos and those little things that spell-checkers can't fix or find since they're 'correctly spelled' but sometimes your brain makes you make wacky typos by putting words in the wrong places, happens to all of us. Just proofread to steal out those little things. And then there was a few things I wanted to point out since you made a few itty bitty mistakes here and there, but no worries this section was pretty fine for the most part.

Quote:
The Pokemon gave off a low growl and a bark, as it landed in the pit of ashes.
The two 'a' there make it sound a bit odd to me. Take out one of them and should sound better, or at least to me. x_x

Quote:
who was a great Ice/Dragon trainer.
=/ I don't see why you used a slash here, you could easily use the word 'and'.

Quote:
We quickly gathered our supplied, doused the
Supplies not supplied. :P

Quote:
Back in a Viridian, Pidgey is eaten like chicken.
Again, sounds weird to me and since it since it was 'back in Viridian' you could use "was" instead of "is."

Length:
Eh, a bit short since Riolu needs 30-40k. But the rest of the quality of the story makes up for the quantity of the characters.

Detail/Description:
Mother of pearl. D: This was pretty damn straight (good :x). I can't say much about this since it was so good and juicy; you made me see everything even though you just used the simplest words to describe more complex things, which is good since sometimes if you try to describe something too hard you will completely and utterly fail and we will send you back to 1st grade to learn your colors again so you know wtf you're talking about? Okay, okay. :] But in all seriousness, this was beyond good; most people try too hard to describe things in my opinion and I don't like those big "[insert 50 letter word describing ant here]" <-- Yea, those are scary and shouldn't be there. Okay, now seriously-seriously... you are good enough here and I don't have my doubts that this is probably the best section of your story and you have nothing to worry about. D:

Good job, since I couldn't say anything bad here. :[

Battle:
Awesome! Not too short, not too long. Just perfect to me. You had a nice aray of attacks and used everything that we would want you to. :D Now, don't forget in the future to maybe have the surroundings a bit more 'usable' since they always make for a good and fun battle when the truth comes in, the more used in the battle the better and more exciting it is... that's the truth! Meh, you make this hard on me. I can't say much since this was so damn good as with the detail was. Just don't forget maybe you can change up the battles sometimes. Most battles are a bit too the same in every story, so making up something to make a battle a bit different can always be fun and enjoying for the readers. =)

Alright, good job.

Outcome of Finals:
I don't see why I should give this to you, but this story was so enlightening and good that I just wanted to rip my head off and hope to die. That's pretty good to me. D: No, kidding, it sucked; Leman you need to get better. D:< *bipolar* :3 Harhar, how could I keep this from you. This story was excelent and I don't see a place in the world where you wouldn't or shouldn't get this Riolu. So with that said... Riolu captured!!
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Last edited by The Jr Trainer; 05-21-2008 at 08:53 PM.
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