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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 05-27-2008, 01:10 AM
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Default Useless


Useless

Desired Pokémon: Magikarp
Characters Needed: 3,000
Character Count: 3,136

There once was a boy named Hugo. This boy, Hugo, was a lover of all things related to fish. It was his goal to obtain all the fish Pokémon in the world. So far, he had not gotten very far in this goal. The only fish Pokémon he had was a Feebas. Feebas was just a small blue fish Pokémon with gray fins, and as of now it was useless in battle. He was told in school that Feebas evolved into Milotic, one of the strongest and most beautiful Pokémon known to man. Hugo tried to catch other fish Pokémon, but his little Feebas was just too weak. Hugo had a plan, though. Today he would catch a Pokémon that is just as useless as Feebas; he would catch a Magikarp.

Hugo had to look nice and handsome if he were going to catch a Magikarp. After all, he wouldn't want Magikarp to think he was some hideous freak and not want to be captured by him. So, Hugo brushed his massive brown afro and put on a suave black coat. Now that he was a fashion god, Hugo was all ready to go. Hugo walked out of his door with determination to catch the mighty Magikarp.

The weather outside was warm, and the air was moist. The air was moist most of the time though, because Hugo lived right next to a large lake. This lake was where Hugo intended to capture his Magikarp. After a short yet pleasant walk, Hugo was at his destination; the lake.

"Now we play the waiting game. I wonder how long it will take to find a Magikarp," Hugo thought to himself.

About five minutes after he said that a large, red Magikarp flopped out of the water and onto the sandy shore of the lake. Hugo knew what to do now. He excitedly pulled the Pokéball from his pocket that contained his parter, Feebas. He threw the ball to the ground and it popped open, releasing the flopping Feebas.

"Feebas, use your Tackle attack!"

Feebas flopped into the air and tackled Magikarp with all of it's body. As the attack hit, Magikarp let out a fishy look of distress. The red fish recuperated and then readied an attack towards Feebas. It bent back it's long red fin and slapped Feebas right across the face.

"That was rude! Use Dragon Breath, Feebas"

Feebas closed it's eyes and opened it's mouth wide. A horrible oder came out of the tiny fishes mouth. In fact, this oder was so horrible that it made Hugo cry. The sheer power of it left Magikarp gasping for air, and flopping around in pain. Once the stench cleared, it regained it's focus and flopped towards Feebas in a Tackle attack. Magikarp's massive fish body almost squashed Feebas like a silly pancake as it endured the tackle attack.

"Feebas, are you going to take that? Hit that fool with a Blizzard!"

Feebas concentrated it's energy. The air around them turned cold. A strong gust of wind came, and it blew at the Magikarp with great intensity. Once the snow and strong wind cleared, Hugo was surprised to see that the Magikarp was frozen solid in a bed of ice!

"Well, that was easy," Hugo said with a chuckle.

Hugo reached into his pocket and grabbed a dusty red Pokéball. He threw it at the frozen Magikarp and the ball popped open. The Magikarp was sucked inside. The ball began to twitch, once, twice...
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  #2  
Old 05-27-2008, 03:08 PM
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Default Re: Useless

Introduction/Plot: So, Hugo (bart-simpson's evil brother <3) decides that he wants to capture all the fish in the world, but he's not doing very well with it. He has a Feebas (which I believe is a beige color, not blue. ^^) which he wants to use to get them all. But the fact that Feebas is a horrible battler, he fails. He goes out to a lake next to his house and see's a Magikarp.

This was a horrible plot, sorry. But you've written a lot of stories in your time, and just because this is an easy Pokémon doesn't mean you can take it easy. I know you can be much more creative and good with stories. You didn't tell us much about Hugo either. Like some background, description, where he lived etc.

I would have also liked to know some things aswell, like why did he love fishie's? How did he recieve Feebas? All this extra information is good to know so we can relate better.

Length Fine here, just remember that elaborating on your plot and fleshing out more description can help you in this section.

Grammar/Spelling: Fine here. Seem's like you've read over it a couple of times. Just remember to watch for things like typos

Description/Detail: This was fine, sort of weak. But hey, it's a Magikarp. I felt this was a little rushed though. You didn't provide enough description for Hugo or the surroundings. Even the lake, you used very blunt words like 'big'. I mean, use more descriptive words like 'crystal' instead of just boring old 'blue'. If you get creative with the description you can really bring the story to life.

Remember, describing is like painting a picture. Using default colours are eye-hurting and won't help. Remember to be at your best when describing and make sure even the Pokémon get accurate descriptions.

Battle: This was fine, two-sided and described pretty well. Just remember to use your surroundings as much as possible, and make sure that the attacks are well described and drawn out. ^^

Outcome: This was borderline; your terrible plot really brought it down, but with good battle and grammar I have to say Magikarp Captured!
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  #3  
Old 05-27-2008, 03:46 PM
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Default Re: Useless

Thanks for the grade, and I'll try and make my next Magikarp Stories plot more "uber". :o
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