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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 05-09-2008, 07:56 AM
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Default Orre Chronicles- Mission into the Shadows

Chapter One- Introductions! Revelation of Darkness
(yes, I like Japanese-style titles)
__________
A luscious shine of the morning sun surrounds the beautiful Phenac City, a city built on the freshest oasis of the Orre region. It is built in a staircase fashion out of marble & sandstone surrounded in a circular wall of those stones, shielding it from the ravenous desert winds. Water was gushing out from fountains, canals & falls. The story’s time isn’t one you probably wouldn’t expect. Orre in this time was peaceful, when wild Pokemon weren’t so scarce. Cipher & Snagem didn’t exist & the ruthless, artificially modified monstrosities we come to know, as Shadow Pokemon hasn’t seen the light of day… at least, not yet.

A little girl blissfully opened the doors of a simple stone house, her sky blue eyes savoring the sight of the morning sky & a waterfall thrashing down to the circling canals. The wind gently blew her long golden-brown locks & sleeveless yellow dress.

“Come on, Kouji! It’s a beautiful day!” the girl happily called to her older brother.

“Reiko… you know me & 7:00 don’t go well together on weekends.” Kouji moaned in a deep, sleepy tone, slouching as he stepped out. He snatched his white fisher hat to cover his dark brown hair. A short-sleeved jacket overlapped his wrinkled plain white t-shirt & ran down to the belt of his light khaki pants.

Kouji, being a novice Pokemon Trainer, often helps out requests; mostly involving Pokemon despite his laid-back personality.

“You know you did accept a request to help out the new windworks.” Reiko reminded to him.

“Right, I forgot. I’ll guide you to anywhere Mom allows you on the way there.” Kouji said happily, but still tired.

Orre was not really known to have many Pokemon Trainers journeying the region, as official competitions were still developing & the Pokemon were usually imported… mostly for a high price. To top that, most of the region is a barren, windy desert.

Kouji & Reiko locked the doors & went down the stone steps into the city…
__________

Reiko asked her brother to drop her off at the fountain. People were playing calm instruments around it, matching the sky’s even white clouds & light gusts of wind.
A Zigzagoon, a raccoon-like Pokemon with rustling dark brown & cream fur lapped up some of the fountain’s water. Its glistening brown eyes covered by a black ‘mask’ looked towards its cute reflection.

Reiko & Kouji waved goodbye to each other. The Zigzagoon seemed to follow in a zigzagging fashion. The scenery then revealed a set of windmills slowly spinning with the strong wind. The raccoon Pokemon ran away to the shade of a tree, happily eating a Pinap berry rolled over. Kouji smiled at the lovable sight, getting over his tiredness with a deep sigh.

Kouji made it to the windworks just in time. It looked like a wide, white box. Generators & workers were everywhere. A female red-haired scientist came to Kouji’s direction.

“So you must be Kouji. I’m Veronica, the sub-leader of the windworks, and I’ll be showing you to your job.”

Kouji toured the windworks to his destination. The building was filled with lit rooms, wires & turbines. The air was as fresh as the air outside. For a simple source, the building was advanced.

They came to a wide, enclosed section where excessive electricity is shot out from long metal bars. Groups of Electric-type Pokemon were waiting for the bar to fire electricity.

“You see, Kouji, since summer’s just beginning,” the woman began explaining, “the winds are on the move, so the electricity has a possibility of exceeding our developing generators. The Pokemon come in & absorb the excess electricity.” Veronica stopped to clear her throat. “But sometimes the Pokemon can get hurt by the electricity or themselves in the process, which is mutually a problem. All you have to do is to keep watch of them until sometime at noon.” She ended & gave a wink.

Kouji sat on a metal bench with back support, slightly reclined. A few minutes later, a monitor opened in front of Kouji, startling him.

“ I forgot; here’s the energy control monitor. I can PiP the TV here.” Veronica said from a camera. “ Send out your Pokemon, too”

“Right… Come on out, Riolu!” Kouji said, throwing a Pokeball, a light metal baseball-size ball with two symmetrical halves & a button at the borderline.
A wild light emerged when the ball opened & revealed a small bipedal dog-like Pokemon with blue fur on its upper legs, arms & some of its head & black fur on the rest of its body. It has curved bone protrusions in its upper palms & red eyes shining in the reflected sunlight.

“Rio?” the dog-like Pokemon cried curiously in a toddler-like voice, opening its eyes.

“Well let’s make sure it’s strong as it is cute.” Veronica stated, giggling.

“He is. I raised him when he was just an egg & we trained for the past 10 weeks.” Kouji replied with a hint of bragging.

“Okay, buddy, we’re just going to keep watch of the Pokemon.” Kouji said to his trusted canine Pokemon.

“Rio Riolu!’ Riolu said smiling before doing muscle-flexing & saluting gestures.

Riolu dawdled around the section, looking at the skylight as segments of palm leaves were being blown. He bumped into an Elekid. Elekid have oval figures with bulky arms & two little feet. Its horns resembled 220-volt plugs & have straight black stripes down its torso with a lightning bolt on the center, & its limbs.
Riolu & the Elekid got into a fight, causing Elekid to spin its arms to build up electricity. An Electabuzz did the same. It looked like Elekid, but bigger, bulkier & wilder. The unkempt hairs in its striped body stirred up electricity, conducting to its bolt-like horns.

“Break it up, all of you!” Kouji said raging in a demanding tone.

The two Pokemon turned their backs, crossed their arms & stepped away slowly. Elekid secretly shot a tiny Thundershock to Riolu’s tail successfully, with Riolu thinking it was a stray shock that came out of the bar.

“Don’t you worry, Riolu,” Kouji said to the canine Pokemon confidently “there’s only an hour before eleven o’clock, nothing’s wrong. All we have to do is…

Just as Kouji was about to finish his sentence, an explosion sounded, & the smoke reached their section, causing hysteria & rage to the Magnemite & the two brothers to stare at the blasted wall, ready to fight.

As the smoke cleared, a figure was revealed with a visor glowing with a dark, sinister red & purple…
__________

A man in a white jumpsuit & a dark visor came out from the thin smoke.
Kouji put his right arm on his back & reached Riolu’s Pokeball. He was in a state of both fear & aggression. His arm was twitching in fear as he withdrew Riolu into his Pokeball in a red laser.

“Get out of here, runt.” the mysterious man said. “We’re only here for the electricity.”

“So, you’re not alone?” Kouji said as he lunged his fist to land on the man’s lower chest.

The intruder dodged to the right & grabbed hold of Kouji’s left arm, twisting it.
“I have to admit, you’re sharp, kid. But that doesn’t make the slightest of difference. One wrong move & your arm will be ripped clean off.” he threatened cockily.

Kouji didn’t move, except for the shaking of his gripped arm & his eyes constantly shifting view as he plotted to escape.

The Elekid & Electabuzz stood in the sidelines. The Elekid jumped out of his older brother’s obstructing arm, stepping forward to confront what he sensed was an intruder. Electabuzz raised his arm to catch him & warn his younger brother, but Elekid kept going. The Elekid furiously charged electricity from its horns. The man stared at it, expecting an attack. While he was focusing somewhere else, Kouji dropped his body down & kicked the man’s right knee, causing both of them to drop. Kouji then slipped his foot out of the man’s knee & leapt out of the man’s clutches, backing away by a meter.

“You’ll pay for that… & I know just how.” the man said in sheer annoyance & pain.

He reached to a little storing capsule on his right side, opening it & dropping a black Pokeball with a red patch on the bottom. The ball flashed purple in a split-second. He threw it to the direction of the Elekid, thinking it belonged to Kouji. The Electabuzz bravely ran to save his brother. He leapt to the direction of the Pokeball. The dark Pokeball opened in contact with the selfless Electabuzz. Instead of the normal white light that captured Pokemon, the light was a dark orange color & sucked in the one Elekid. The Pokeball bounced up in Electabuzz’ attempt to free itself. But in an instant, the Pokeball shut itself tight & captured the thundering Pokemon. The ball flashed purple another time repeatedly until Electabuzz was caught.

“Well, this wasn’t the one I wanted, but this might be a surprise!” the man said with a sinister grin. He threw the Pokeball containing the Elekid, releasing it.

The captured Electabuzz looked darker with a malevolent, angry look. The Elekid overjoyed in seeing his older brother return, but he replied with sweeping the little yellow Pokemon with a Low Kick, the clenching its left fist with electricity, knocking back the poor creature to a corner. It went berserk with sparks flying out of its horns. The malevolent Pokemon was suffering inside; holding head to try & regain control of himself just before it ran & intended to hit Kouji.

“I…I don’t understand! Why would a Pokemon spontaneously attack its own kin?” Kouji rhetorically asked in confusion & fear.

Riolu suddenly came out of his Pokeball, crying out syllables of its name while pointing at the fallen Electabuzz, then at the capsule.

“Isn’t this is a surprise? Riolu are said to be capable of reading Aura, a life’s essence,” the man informed. “it must’ve read the ‘evil’, unstable Aura emanated out of the things it pointed. We call this the Shadow Aura. I might as well tell you that much. It gets into their heads & their bodies, making them more obedient & even stronger. That was one side effect. You’re lucky it happened too soon”.

“If you think that’s going to make us back out of this, then you’re wrong!” Kouji said aggressively, putting Riolu’s Pokeball away in a clenched fist.

“You insist on going the hard way, then I’ll have to show you what really hard is! Go Lairon!” the man shouted as he threw a Pokeball.

The light cleared, revealing a short, grey quadruped Pokemon. White metal curved plates, which look like a spinal column, are placed in its back & upper head. Holes are symmetrically placed around them & ‘cuffs’ are placed in each of its four clawed legs. Its blue eyes looked into Riolu, stomping its left foot.

“Lairon, show them your Iron Tail!” the man commanded his iron Pokemon.

Lairon charged right at Riolu, its heavy feet causing mild rumbling in the area, then tilting to the right using its forelegs & launched its short shimmering tail aiming for Riolu. Riolu leapt to Lairon’s back, barely missing the Iron Tail.

“Riolu, strike back with Force Palm. Focus your Aura!” Kouji said to Riolu while he was in the air.

The canine Pokemon twisted his body to aim at the opposing Pokemon’s head. His arms seemed to be enveloped in a substance like indigo fire. He landed with Lairon quickly charging, but with Kouji’s timed command he responded by getting hold of Lairon’s right cheek & lower jaw, shaking because of the iron Pokemon’s heavy body. Riolu jumped & pushed Lairon aside, toppling it to one side with its back & cheek battered.

“Pull yourself together, Scary Face & then let’s give them a taste of Double-Edge!”

Lairon glared at Riolu with a menacing look. Riolu lost his pace because of the frightening look. Lairon then charged at Riolu with its metal columns shining with white light.

“Brace yourself, Riolu. It’ll be okay.” Kouji called to the blue canine. His eyes positioned to focus on Riolu, with Lairon closing in.

Riolu’s body shone in a transparent energy as he crossed his arms & knelt his left leg down for the attack. His eyes were closed & his ears rose, sensing Aura like a visible scent. As soon as the grey iron Pokemon rammed Riolu tilted to one side, Riolu opened his eyes.

“Throw it right back with Counter!” Kouji commanded loudly.

Riolu’s transparent energy changed to a blazing red. Riolu copied Lairon’s movement & flung him into a wall with immense power about double than what Lairon dealt. Lairon was rolled over. Its eyes looked dazed, tired. The man withdrew his fainted Pokemon without a single word. Elekid, who was still lying down, watched in awe as the battle concluded in an amazing victory.

The man then tried to deliver a punch. Kouji blocked it with his right arm stiffened. The surrounding electric Pokemon shocked him, blasting his capsule & leaving cracks to his visor.
The visor then rapidly flashed a green circle.

“The mission is complete. You’ll see that we will rule over all!”
The man said, pointing at Kouji before being swept away by a vehicle in a split-second.

Kouji heard a beeping sound. He looked down & saw a grenade two meters away. He ran & called all the Pokemon out of the windworks using the bashed wall the Cipher got out from. Riolu dragged Elekid on its back & moved with multiple Quick Attacks right before the grenade exploded with great force, destroying part of the building.
Veronica, with her outfit torn & stained by the explosion, ran panting to the discharge section. “Thank God, you’re all okay. Those Cipher… they stole almost every kilowatt of electricity.”

“I suppose they won’t be coming back then. Good thing there wasn’t fire, at least.”
Kouji said in mild contentment, sighing.

Kouji reached his bottom pocket & brought out a white sprayer with a maroon nozzle & bottom that read ‘Hyper Potion’. He shook it & it sounded like it was almost empty. He sprayed it all onto his loyal Pokemon’s injured body, which gave Riolu a stinging sensation around his wounds. Riolu blew his left arm out of the stinging pain, viewing a Pokeball on the ground. Riolu closed his eyes again & scanned its Aura. It appeared to be normal, so Riolu picked it up & handed it to his Trainer. Kouji put it in his left pocket.

Four male cyclists in khaki uniforms came by & investigated the crime scene. All simultaneously reached their pockets, showing golden badges as the police.

“We’ll be investigating for the rest of the day. It seems they’ve destroyed the whole area. Have any of you seen anything suspicious about their motives?” one of them questioned Veronica & Kouji.

“They captured a Pokemon & soon it came out with an ominous aura,” Kouji informed seriously, carrying his injured Riolu in his arms “according to my Pokemon & one of their cronies.”

"In retrospect, the same thing happened just a few months ago in the Sinnoh region." an officer spoke.

“Tell everyone here to head home or to the station if they saw anything suspicious.” he said. “You, sonny, should go to the Pokemon Center. You’re Pokemon looks like it needs rest from a harsh battle.”

Kouji nodded his head & quickly ran to the main city.

Luckily, the Pokemon Center was just two blocks away from his house, so he ran, carrying Riolu’s Pokeball. The tan stone building was shaped like pie- no kidding. An aquamarine P was placed on a white circle as a logo. Light shone brightly through the framed glass roof. He entered the Pokemon Center’s lobby, & then he went to a counter with a girl his age with deep pink, ponytailed hair in a nurse outfit.

“Emily, could you use the express healer for this case please?” Kouji said to the girl.

“Okay, but you better not mooch on me to do this all the time. Oh wait, is this Riolu? Fine, anything for the little guy.” Emily said sweetly.

“He wasn’t so little in our last battle. I’ll tell you & the guys in chatroom later.” Kouji said proudly. The Pokeball was placed in a machine with six holes for Pokeballs. The Pokeball glowed a pleasant white, & then was returned to Kouji.

“Thanks Emily, you’re the best.” Kouji said rushing off to his house.

When Kouji got home, he spun his hat to the couch & checked for his younger sister. Nobody was there, but he found a message on his computer monitor. He clicked on it & read it.

Kouji, we just checked on the fountain design for the new Orre Stadium & Reiko’s with me. The stew is in the cup on the oven, just incase you’re going to join us. You know where we are.
-Mom

Kouji waited for a minute for his nice soupy lunch to heat, then rushed to the top of the city with the wind in his hair. He arrived to a round white dome surrounded by water from top to bottom. There he saw Reiko & a woman in a formal sky blue dress carrying a clipboard. Like Reiko, her hair was golden-brown & partly curled. She was Kouji’s mom, June. She & his father work with the city government.

“Hey mom, how’s the fountain working?” Kouji asked her happily.

“Still going on, but it’s perfect as far as I’ve seen.” June said with a calm smile.

The automatic door was about to close when a bolt of blue electricity hit the closing gap, forcing the door to open. The Elekid from the windworks ran to the building, panting as it stopped.

“What are you doing out here?” Kouji asked the electric Pokemon.

Elekid dropped a claw like the ones on its arms, but it was larger, darker & full of static. Elekid clenched its fists & closed its eyes to hold away his sorrowful tears. Kouji realized he was mentioning the Electabuzz, his captured brother.
Elekid spun its arms, giving out crackling sparks from his horns. Riolu came out from hearing the loudly crackling sparks & so did an employee.

“What seems to be the problem?” the startled employee asked June.

“Nothing’s the matter, sir.” the mother replied. “But, I would like to continue the inspection with the stadiums. A battle test, perhaps?” she said, looking to her son in the last sentence.

The two Pokemon nodded their heads & accepted, giving away fiery, decisive looks in their eyes.

They stepped into a round stage, surrounded by viewing balconies & a ring of flowing water from waterfalls. Riolu & Elekid stood at two opposite edges of the stadium, facing each other to battle for the first time...
__________
The battle sequence is coming soon!
__________________
...thinking of something witty to say...

Last edited by eerie; 06-04-2008 at 09:05 AM. Reason: Changes.
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  #2  
Old 05-10-2008, 09:04 AM
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Default Re: Orre Chronicles- Mission into the Shadows

Continuation of Chapter One... Electrified Battle! (Italicized part is a flashback)
__________
The two Pokemon leapt forward, gaining contact. Elekid spun its arms to charge its electricity, then clenching his fist into an electrified punch. Riolu braced itself, focusing on its Aura to time his attack.

“You know what to do with him.” Kouji commented to his Pokemon.

Elekid twisted his charged fist to further damage the canine Pokemon, but Riolu instantly shone red & delivered a Counter attack following the ThunderPunch in double the power. But, with Riolu coming in contact with Elekid’s electrified body, he shook with mild paralysis on his right arm & hips.

As both Pokemon were down, a brown figure appeared rushing left to right. A cloud of dirt developed as it stopped. It cleared up & revealed… the Zigzagoon Kouji & Reiko encountered earlier. It seemed angry as it foamed in the mouth while looking towards Kouji, thinking that he’s responsible for the explosion at the windworks that destroyed its nest.

“Zig-zig-zigzag!” it cried out rhythmically. Zigzagoon pounded its chest, causing it to glisten in white as it bulked up its body. It readied to battle at maximum power.

The employee realized it did a Belly Drum, which maximized its attack while it sacrificed its stored energy. He blew a whistle once, which startled everyone including the two battling Pokemon, who are still recovering. He blew it twice, then one more time lightly.

Something leapt out of the clear water next to the three spectators like it wasn’t even there previously. It was a majestic aqua green fox-like Pokemon. But it has bodily features like a typical water-type, including a tailfin & a white, frilled collar.

“Va-poreon!” it growled to the Zigzagoon. This caused the brown Pokemon to jump to Vaporeon with its face tucked in for a Headbutt. Vaporeon quickly jumped out of the way & bulged its cheeks with water, & then releasing it in a powerful stream, causing Zigzagoon to be knocked back almost to the water below.

With Zigzagoon at a fair distance, the aquatic Pokemon was left with time to concentrate & set a white haze onto the whole stadium. This left Elekid displeased, as he & Riolu were just about to continue their interrupted battle. Zigzagoon felt her gained power slowly nullifying, leaving it to charge in random directions in the thick haze.

“Don’t worry Riolu! Let your Aura guide you!” Riolu heard faintly in the voice of his trusted partner.

Elekid flashed his horns to help him see. Suddenly, he heard fast footsteps approaching & was soon hit in the face with an indigo flash. The electric Pokemon saw something stop. He found that it’s Riolu with his eyes closed & ears raised. He charged electricity, enraged about the disadvantage of sight. The two collided with Quick Attacks as the haze cleared.

Elekid grabbed hold of Riolu & let loose a Thunderbolt. Riolu countered with a Quick Attack provided by his feet while tilting down. Elekid was pinned to the floor, releasing his grip because of shoulder pain. Riolu chained this with a Force Palm, pushing Elekid’s belly & himself to the side. The two Pokemon were now affected with mild paralysis.

Elekid started spinning his arms faster than he ever did before. A high amount of electricity was shot & suspended in the sky, surprising everyone. Vaporeon hid in the water again, instantly dissolving into it.

“You can’t retaliate this, but you can deflect it just as well.” Kouji clued to the canine Pokemon.

Riolu’s eyes shone yellow, and then quickly generated electricity in lower height as Elekid did. It was his Copycat technique. Elekid summoned his Thunder attack with a wicked boom, but it Riolu’s generated electricity deflected it enough for him to escape. The two Thunder attacks’ energy flung Riolu right into Elekid.

“Good job, now go for Elekid!" Kouji said.

Both Pokemon charged their fists with their respective energies. They could’ve landed a hit on each other, but Zigzagoon, who was still running in zigzags blindly, blocked the ThunderPunch & Force Palm. Riolu continued with his right arm, but he stopped because of his paralysis. Elekid took this opportunity by generating crackling sparks, and then firing a high fraction of electricity towards all directions like a lightning ball.

“Cover yourself everyone! This is a Discharge!” The employee shouted.

Riolu braced himself to endure the high voltage electricity. His body shimmered in yellow, and then red until Elekid ceased his Discharge.

Elekid spun his arms to charge his finishing blow, but to his surprise, Riolu’s body was enveloped in a neon blue. Small spheres circled around the bruised canine Pokemon. Soon, he got up, ready to fight & never give up.

Kouji remembered this move. He only saw it once when they were training the hardest just a month ago.

Kouji and Riolu were punching sandbags for more than 3 straight hours almost nonstop. Kouji collapsed in exhaustion, looking at his partner.

“If we keep this up, we’ll break our fists. You’re only six weeks old, Riolu, you and I better turn in.” Kouji said, breathing hardly.

Riolu slapped his Trainer & shone like he did now. He delivered a blow to the sandbag & made a hole the size of Kouji’s foot. The Pokemon kept going until it collapsed.

“I better call Reiko to alert the Pokemon Center. While I wait…” Kouji said looking at his fainted Pokemon. He continued to punch & even kick the sandbag until he tired out almost as much as Riolu did.


“Riolu, show them all your strength! Reversal!” Kouji commanded to Riolu.

Riolu and Elekid charged at each other one last time. Elekid spun his arms while running. The canine and electric Pokemon jumped to the center of the stadium, with the sunlight shining for their valiant display of battling. Zigzagoon also watched, calming down from its previous state.

Riolu and Elekid reached each other with their energy fiercely colliding with sheer force. The wind broke out of their way and into the rest of the stadium. Elekid was outmatched by power and fell out of mid-air with Riolu. Zigzagoon braced itself.

Riolu stood straight to lessen the impact of his fall. Elekid’s paralysis took its toll and stopped Elekid from doing the same. He cringed in pain.

Kouji saw Zigzagoon almost being blown to the water, so he reached into his right pocket & threw a Pokeball at it. He then saw Riolu & Elekid hurdling down towards the floor. He quickly withdrew Riolu & reached into his right pocket to throw another Pokeball. But, he found out that the other Pokeballs were lost because of the cut he received from the Cipher Peon. In a chain of that memory, he remembered that he picked up a Pokeball & put it in his left pocket. He threw that just in time.

The two Pokeballs opened in contact with their target Pokemon. Elekid & Zigzagoon were sucked into a red laser. The Pokeballs were shut tight. They bounced & shook once, then shook again.

Kouji clenched his fists, nervous of the outcome. He wished to train the two, especially the Elekid to save his brother. The Pokeballs shook one last time, tilting to all directions until…
__________
This is ready for grading!
Aiming for- Elekid (Simple) & Zigzagoon (Simple) 10000-20000

Words-4375
Characters w/ spaces- 24800+
Characters w/o spaces- 20500~
__________________
...thinking of something witty to say...

Last edited by eerie; 06-04-2008 at 09:01 AM. Reason: Changes with the first changes.
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  #3  
Old 05-21-2008, 09:14 PM
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Default Re: Orre Chronicles- Mission into the Shadows

Here ya go, enjoy.

Introduction: You did a pretty good job here. You did an excellent job of describing the setting as well as your characters, and basically setting up the story in general. I would have liked to see a little bit more about Kouji's past, but overall, I was pleased with this. In the future, try setting up more of a hook to the story, to draw in the reader and make them want to go on. This is best done with an action, or a sound or dialogue, but it helps get past the beginning of the story, which can often be the most boring part. I don't have much else to say here, so keep up the good work!

Plot: You're starting off with Cipher just getting together and beginning to cause havoc, and I kinda like it. You seem to be going into a little more description of how they first started out and the like. I've never actually played the game myself, though I've heard quite a bit about it, and it still intrigues me. I'd really like to see more of this, and judging by the title, I'm going to take a guess that this'll be a continuous story, rather than just a single capture.

Even besides the basic plot, you go into more depth with the rivalry between Riolu and the Elekid, and what happened to Elekid's older brother. You added that bit more that made it more intresting than it already is, and to see a more complex storyline like this in a first story is really great. I can see you going on to write even better stories, so keep up with this!

Grammar: Hm, well, there's some things here that need to be fixed. First and foremost is your tense. You jump back and forth between past and present tense a lot.

Quote:
Orre in this time is peaceful, when wild Pokemon weren’t so scarce.
This is an example of it. Just in this sentence, you start in present tense with 'is', but then go to past tense with 'weren't'. You really need to pick either one or the other and stick with it, to make the story flow better and to keep your readers from getting confused. I suggest past tense; it's what is most often used in writing, and would probably be a lot easier. (In my opinion, anyway, you can do what you want.) Basically, to make this all past tense, you need to change words like 'is' and 'are' to 'was' and 'were', and action verbs like 'surounds' and 'helps' should be 'surrounded' and 'helped'. Just pretty much put everything in their '-ed' form.

Quote:
It is built in a staircase fashion out of marble & sandstone surrounded in a circular wall of those stones, shielding it from the ravenous desert winds.
Using abbreviations like '&' in formal writing of any kind, whether it be here or in an essay or something, is not good. It makes it look like you aren't serious about what you are writing, not to mention the fact that it gets on some people's nerves. Not mine particularly, but still, you want to appeal to as much of the audience as you can in whatever you write, and that's part of it. Plus, you figure, for every '&' you used in here, that was another two characters you could have added onto your count, so it could help you to just write out 'and' in the long run.

Quote:
The story’s time isn’t one you probably wouldn’t expect.
You're using a double negative here, so this sentence doesn't make a whole lot of sense. It should be 'is' and 'wouldn't' or 'isn't' and 'would' in the bold.

Quote:
Cipher & Snagem didn’t exist & the ruthless, artificially modified monstrosities we come to know, as Shadow Pokemon hasn’t seen the light of day…
There should be a comma after 'exist' to make this a proper compound sentence, and there doesn't need to be a comma after 'know' because it is all one thought and doesn't need to be divided up there. Also, 'hasn't' should be 'haven't', because the the subject it is describing, 'Shadow Pokemon', is plural here, since you refered to them as 'artificially modified monstrosities'. I have to say, though, I like your wording there.

Quote:
“You know you did accept a request to help out the new windworks.” Reiko reminded to him.
When you are using dialogue and the sentence ends with a period, you need to end it in a comma, to show that the words were being said by someone, like in this case. Since Reiko said that, you put the comma in. However, if what is after the dialogue isn't about who said it or how they said it, then you can put a period. Also, this only works if the sentence would normally end in a period; if it ends in an exclamation point or question mark, then you just use what should be there.

Quote:
I’ll guide you to anywhere mom allows you on the way there.
When you use a family title (like Mom, Dad, Grandma, ect.) in place of a name, it should be capitalized. However, if ownership is being shown (my dad, her mom, your grandma), then it doesn't need to be capitalized.

Quote:
A Zigzagoon, a raccoon-like Pokemon with rustling dark brown & cream fur lapped up some of the fountain’s water.
The bolded portion is a phrase that further describes the Zigzagoon, so it should be separated from the rest of the sentence by a comma before and after it.


Quote:
I’m Veronica, the sub-leader of the windworks & I’ll be showing you to your job.
You need a comma after 'windworks' to divide the two parts of the compound sentence.

Quote:
“ Send out your Pokemon, too”
There's an extra space before 'send', and there needs to be a period after 'too'.

Quote:
A wild light emerged from when the ball opened
'From' doesn't need to be there.

Quote:
“Rio Riolu!’
That apostrophe at the end needs to be a quotation mark.

Quote:
Kouji said to the canine Pokemon confidently “there’s only an hour before eleven o’clock, nothing’s wrong.
There needs to be a comma after 'confidently' to separate if from the quotation.

Quote:
“Tell everyone here to head home or to the station if they saw anything suspicious.”
You should probably add 'go' after the word 'home' for this sentence to make more sense.

Quote:
Fine, Anything for the little guy.
The A on 'anything' doesn't need to be capitalized.

Quote:
The Pokeball was placed in a 2machine with six holes for Pokeballs.
Is that 2 supposed to be there? It looks out of place, so I'm pointing it out.

Quote:
As both Pokemon were down, a brown figure rushing left to right.
There should probably be 'appeared' or a similar word after 'figure' in this sentence.

Quote:
He found that it’s Riolu with his eyes closed & ears raised.
Using the contraction 'it is' here really makes the sentence more confusing than necessary, so it would be better just as 'it is'. Don't feel that you have to use conractions just because you can. Some instances, like this one, don't call for them.

Quote:
Elekid summoned his Thunder attack with a wicked boom, but it Riolu’s generated electricity deflected it enough for him to escape.
The 'it' doesn't need to be there.

Quote:
Kouji said, breathing hardly.
Here, 'hardly' doesn't mean what you think it means. Rather than meaning that he was breathing hard, it means he's only breathing a little bit. Instead, just use 'hard'.

Make sure to work on the stuff I pointed out, and try to look out for these mistakes when you read over your story.

Length: You went over the max, which is wonderful. I love to see writers go even beyond what the difficulty says to aim for.

Detail/Description: You use a lot of descriptive words, which is good, though there are some places where you tend to say the same thing twice. For example;

Quote:
Riolu & Elekid reached each other with their energy colliding against each other with sheer force.
It's good to try and mix things up, use different wordings to make everything flow a bit better. Like here, , you could use 'came together' in place of 'reached each other'. There were a couple other places where this happened, but don't get upset over it; I've been writing for a while now and I still do it. It's one reason why it is good to go back and read over your story, more than just for mistakes in grammar and spelling. You can pick our mistakes in wording as well, things you might not have noticed while you were writing.

Quote:
“Pull yourself together, Scary Face & then let’s give them a taste of Double-Edge!”
What is wrong with this sentence isn't in the sentence itself, but rather what comes after. You didn't specify that it was the man speaking, which made it a bit confusing to me, and probably would to other readers, too. Especially in battles, try to say exactly who said what. In some converstations, or, at least ones where there is only two people talking, you can sometimes get away without saying who was talking, but battles move so fast that things can easily get confusing.
Aside from this, I can only say to try and be a bit more specific on things, and watch your wording. Some places were a bit difficult to follow, like here.

Quote:
Kouji toured the windworks to his destination.
What do you mean, to his destination? Where was his destination? Just things like that. And, don't cut to different places, like here.

Quote:
The scenery then revealed a set of windmills slowly spinning with the strong wind.
To me, it seems almost like you were going straight from one place to another, and not pausing to give the trip between. Even just a simple change of wording, like saying 'stone walls gave way to a set of windmills', would make this transition seem less abrupt.

In all truthfullness, though, I'm getting a bit nitpicky here, because you asked for help with description. Just make sure to vary your wording a bit more, and keep things making sense, and you'll do fine.

Battle: These were pretty fun, actually, especially the last one. It was long and intense, with quite a bit going on. There was lots of good description of the attacks in there, and you kept everything going fast enough that it didn't seem quite as long as it probably was. There was only one place that I really remember not having as much description as I would like to see, and that was when the Elekid was paralyzed. How did it feel? How did it react? Did it cringe in pain? Make sure to keep putting exactly how each attack was executed, how it hit, and how the opponent reacted.

I would have liked to see a longer battle between the Zigzagoon and the Vaporeon, though, or at least a little more of it. You focused a lot on the battle between Elekid and Riolu, which is understandable, but the Zigzagoon was only hit a couple times, and only got a couple hits in. It just didn't seem entirely right that it would be ready to be knocked out already. The battle with the Lairon was a bit one-sided as well, but since that wasn't really for a capture, I'll not harp on it. All in all, your battle was pretty good.

Outcome: Wow, well, this was exceptionally good for a beginning story, I thought. You have some stuff to work on, yes, but you seem to have a lot of stuff down as well, so Elekid and Zigzagoon Captured! One of your main problems is simply wording and using the correct tenses. If you're not really sure on what everything should sound like when the words are put together, I suggest trying to read a bit more. It really does help you get a better understanding of sentence structure. If you are interested in reading URPG stories, PhantomKat, Tyranitar_Trainer, and Pokemon Trainer Sarah all write excellent ones; you may want to take a look at some of them. For now, enjoy your Pokemon, and keep writing! ^^
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  #4  
Old 05-27-2008, 09:36 AM
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Default Re: Orre Chronicles- Mission into the Shadows

Just when I thought doing this on MS Word would make my work have better grammar .
In summary, I need work with commas & the 2 & 'it' was probably a typo.
As for the '&', I just don't feel very comfortable using some words. That includes and.

15 mistakes .

I'll do better next time. Thanks Draconic_Espeon.
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Old 05-29-2008, 08:34 AM
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Default Re: Orre Chronicles- Mission into the Shadows

Okay, I'll clear up the mistakes this time.
This is going to be a series, so descriptions may not be repeated, but the canon events will be 'flashbacked' one way or another each chapter and some parts, to be fair, will not be included in the character count during a capture. I'll be adding a new chapter here by Monday . All certified graders can grade here, even new ones.
_____
…both of them stopped. Kouji’s expression was blank, and then became a gasping grin. He chuckled while running to his two new Pokemon. He picked them up, happily looking at them. He got startled when he heard light clapping from the side.

“Great job,” June said in a tone only a proud mother could access.
Kouji checked a slightly rectangular wristwatch with a red scroller labeled ‘Poketch™’. It said the time was already 4:30 PM in a digital format.

Before going home, Kouji took a short stop to the Pokemon Center. He went to Emily’s 19-year-old cousin. In appearance, her skin is slightly darker than that of Emily’s and her hair stretched to her shoulders.

“So, we got a training ‘accident’ again, have we?” she said taking his dark wooden tray. “Hey, wait a minute.”

Emily came by running in a short-sleeved crimson shirt and light blue jeans, ready to head home. “Three Pokeballs?” she said, giving off a confused look. “Don’t you…”

Kouji stopped her. “I said I’ll tell you and the guys later on chat.”

Once they were back home, immediately rested then cooked tube macaroni with Alfredo sauce while ordering the best local garden pizza for dinner. Kouji and Reiko’s father still wasn’t home from his out-of-town trip, and he was usually the cook on weekends.

Before sleeping for the next big day, Kouji made some explaining to his friends Emily, Terrence and Kazuma.
_____
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Last edited by eerie; 06-10-2008 at 01:24 AM. Reason: chapter.
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