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Old 05-29-2008, 03:46 PM
Just Leo Offline
Elite Trainer
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 867
Default An Unbelievable Beginning

An Unbelievable Happening

Okay, first thing’s first. This is my first story, so if you go lightly on me, that’d be nice. ^^; It’s not my first story? Well…fine, you caught me. This is not my official first story, but it IS my second, and I started over. So, technically it is my first story? I dunno, just thought I’d better mention this.

On to business! This story is about a boy, who is based off of me, who is turned into a Pokemon. Yes, I know it is a cheap knock-off of Pokemon Mystery Dungeon, but that’s what my inspiration came from. ^^ I will explain how Dodger, the main character, finds himself in the Pokemon world, and how he got involved in a Rescue Team of his own. The adventures will continue on to show how he got more and more Pokemon to join him. Enjoy!
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Last edited by Just Leo; 05-29-2008 at 03:49 PM.
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Old 05-29-2008, 03:47 PM
Just Leo Offline
Elite Trainer
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 867
Default Re: An Unbelievable Beginning


Silky, coal-colored fur rustled slightly in a small breeze. The dwarf Pokemon rolled onto his left side, yawning and blinking slowly. His muzzle was a dark tan color and he had two bone-like structures protruding from his back, and a skull shaped structure on his head. He stood up, yawning again rather loudly. His forepaw came up and scratched his head from behind his ear to the tip of his moist, black nose. He shook his head, and finally opened his large, red orbs. He looked at his surroundings, yawning again. The small Fire and Dark-Type Pokemon had to do a double take on them, “Where am I?” He asked the cool, humid air surrounding his dwarf-sized body. No answer came to his ears that were laying flat on his head. His voice sounded odd to him, and he looked down at his body, “What the? I’m a-a Pokemon?!” He circled to get a better look at himself. ”Why am I a Houndour?” The poor boy was startled beyond his wildest dreams. How would he get home? How would he get back to the human world? And, why, in tar-nation is he a Houndour of all Pokemon? Only one way to find out, to start walking in one direction and find someone to question!

Chapter One:
Finding the City

The small runt ran in the direction he chose at mere random chance. By, ‘mere random chance’, I mean turning in a circle with his eyes closed, stopping, opening them, and traveling in that direction. The grass under his feet felt cold to his black paws. The Houndour was still very confused about why he was a Pokemon, but that would have to wait until he found a place were Pokemon lived. Air rushed by the small hellhound as he ran, smiling. The Houndour loved the feeling of the cool air hitting his face and rolling off his body, and finally, bouncing off. It all just felt great.

He came to a stop when he saw a friendly looking Snover. He walked up with a smile on his small face, “Hello! My name’s Dodger, and I’m lost.” He laughed nervously, scratching the dirt with his paw. He winced because the dirt was gritty and didn’t feel good between his toes.

“Hi, my name’s Sickle! Oh…you’re lost? Well, come with me. I’ll take you to the city.” The Snover named ‘Sickle’ said cheerily. It waddled in a direction Dodger guessed was west. The dwarf Houndour shrugged, and followed the snow-covered pine tree.

They walked for about an hour, and Dodger was getting tired and his small limbs were throbbing in pain. “Are we there yet?” Dodger asked tiredly.

“Yeah, just above this hill resides Town Square.” The snow covered tree said, turning around to face Dodger. This action made speckles of snow to fall of the ground and melt into water making the dirt there mud. Dodger made sure to step around those small spots of watery dirt.

“That’s good ‘cause I’m beat.” Dodger said, jogging up next to the plant Pokemon. They got to the top of the hill and took the first glance of Town Square. It was small, but the small hellhound didn’t expect much. There were three larger buildings, and lots of smaller ones. Sickle the Snover started waddling towards the small town, and Dodger followed.

“Well, we need to get you either in the Poliwhril Hotel or get you a house of your own.” The Snover said in a matter-of-fact tone and continued, “It just depends on how long you’re going stay.”

“I’ll be staying for a while,” Dodger announced more to himself than the helpful Snover. Sickle nodded, and walked off to the left; not towards the city. Dodger cocked his head to the left and made a whimpering sound, “Where’re you going?”

“To your house; that’s where.” The Snover smiled and continued his waddling in the general left direction. Dodger shrugged his puppy sized shoulders and trotted behind the ice-glazed pine tree of a Pokemon.

They walked for what seemed like forever to the small Houndour. The sky was now a stunning mix of pinks, purples, and blues. Dodger yawned, “When are we going to get to this house, Sickle?”

“We’re here!” The Snover announced happily. It was a large, round house made of what looked like hardened lava, and it was near a volcano.

Dodger’s eyes lit up with joy and excitement, “Oh! This is amazing Sickle! Where’s you find it?” The hellhound ran up to the entrance of the house and looked back towards the Snover.

The Snover just smiled, “Well, Dodger, I bought this hose a long time ago because I felt that I needed to. A feeling of sorts that told me I’d need it for a friend.”

Dodger raised his left eyebrow, “Really, because that seems like a bunch of bologna.”

The Snover had a look of utter confusion on its face, “What’s bologna?”

“Its pig m- never mind.” Dodger quickly caught himself and walked back out to the Snover, “Well, thanks anyway, Sickle. How could I ever repay you?”

The Snover’s face changed in an instant, from confusion to cheerfulness. “I don’t know either. Let me think about it over night, and I’ll come back in the morning and talk to you, okay?”

Dodger nodded, “Yeah. See you tomorrow, Sickle.” The hellhound walked back up to his house, well…hut rather, and went inside. In there, he saw a bed made from straw and the basic living needs: kitchen, table, bed…wait. No dresser, “Odd….” Dodger commented, but was too tired to chase after the Snover to ask about it. He told himself he would just find out in the morning, so he lied down in his straw bed. With his head on his forepaws, Dodger thought vaguely, I found the city… and drifted off to sleep.
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Old 05-29-2008, 03:48 PM
Just Leo Offline
Elite Trainer
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 867
Default Re: An Unbelievable Beginning

Chapter 2:
Rescue Team?

The sun was just breaking into sight when a loud caw erupted in the calm, silent air. The Pidgey where restless, and flew quickly out of a tree that was nearby when Sickle came around the corner waddling towards the molten-rock hut.

Dodger was snoring when the loud call of the scared birds hit his ears, startling him awake, “What, what’s happening?!” He said to himself, and looked around his small home, “Nothing…” He sighed, and walked outside for some fresher air. Upon leaving the open doorway of his living space, Dodger saw Sickle coming towards him.

“Hey, Dodger, good morning!” The Snover called, waving a tree-branch sized arm. Dodger smiled and nodded to the Snover. He then walked back into his hut. The dual-type Pokemon waddled into the hut after the dwarf Houndour, “Well…Wanna go to town today, Dodger?”

“Why would we go to town?” Dodger asked, looking up at Sickle.

“Well,” Sickle started, “You need to get some supplies, and I’m going to give you a tour.” Dodger tilted his head to the right, sighed, and walked towards the door.

“Okay, let’s go.” The hellhound commented, and walked out the door with the Winter Tree Pokemon following him.

The Snover was much faster than he looked. Dodger had to jog to keep up with him; well, then again, maybe it was his very small legs. The hellhound sighed as the forest around them was coming to an end, “We’re almost there, right, Sickle?”

“Yeah, right up ahead.” Sickle the Snover replied as the forest came to an abrupt end. Dodger trotted along behind the waddling tree, swaying his head from side to side looking at his surroundings. The forest was a deciduous forest; the grassy meadow had patches of wild flowers here and there. The sun was casting a cozy shine on the left over dew on the pink and blue and yellow flowers. Dodger concluded that is was, well, rather beautiful. The dwarf Houndour’s observation was cut off when he bumped into the now motionless Snover. He shook his head, back-tracking.

“What’s wrong, Sickle?” Dodger asked when his sight came back into focus, he looked to the left and in front of Sickle. The hellhound’s eyes grew large at the sight of three, vicious looking bandit Pokemon. The one on the far left was a Pikachu; whose eyes were scrunched together, and he looked very angry. Small, electrical sparks came from its cheeks. The one in the middle, apparently the leader of them, was a Golduck; whose arms were crossed over its chest It had a water-logged twig in its mouth, and it was about to speak. The last one, but, by far, not the least was a Piplup; whose beak was clipping shut every so often. The water type also had its hands crossed, but was tapping its foot in impatience.

“Well, who do we have here?” The Golduck, who surprisingly had a feminine voice, said; twig bouncing in her mouth, “Do you know you’re crossing Team Driftwood’s territory?”

Sickle stood his ground, not intimidated like Dodger was, “No, we did not. So, if you’d be kind and let us through….” An electrical shock zapped in front of the Snover who was trying to step forward.

“I don’t think so, Snover.” The Pikachu sneered, “You’re not going anywhere.”

Dodger gulped, and tried to stop his trembling, but couldn’t. The Piplup started laughing menacingly, “The idiot pup can’t stop shaking!” It exclaimed through his fits of laughter. Dodger looked up, and determination sparked in his eyes. He jumped forward; his small legs barely getting him close enough for his bared fangs to make contact with the Piplup’s fin. The Piplup yelped in surprise and tried shaking the small dwarf Pokemon off of his flipper. Sickle wasted no time in calling upon his mighty snow attacks; a large chunk of sparkling crystal ice was thrown at the Pikachu before it could zap Dodger with an electrical attack. The Golduck spat out her twig, and leaned back, her chest and mouth filling with water, and came forward, releasing the water at an amazing speed.

The Piplup had finally got Dodger off of his fin, and spewed small, multi-colored bubbles at Dodger, who jumped backwards dodging the water attack. The Piplup continued shooting at Dodger until the hellhound back up and bounced into a tree. He winced at the pain in his back that was now scraped up. The final Bubble attack hit directly on Dodger’s chest. Dodger screamed in pain, but struggled to his feet; he wasn’t going to give up. He disappeared before the Piplup could attack him again. The dwarf Houndour appeared behind the over-confident Piplup, and rammed into its back with his shoulder. The Piplup went face first into the grass, pulling it up, and making dirt fly everywhere.

Meanwhile, Sickle was holding his own against the two Pokemon he was up against. He jumped up, higher than one would expect a tree could, and the air became cold, the Sun was covered with clouds, and hail started falling. This wasn’t a move, but Snover’s ability. His move was something to be reckoned with. The grass and ice dual type Pokemon directed its attention to the Pikachu. He started falling, and was barely knocked with a Hydro Pump from the Golduck who shot seconds too late. The hail seemed to be striking just the Pikachu, who was in to preoccupied to attack the Snover. The hail chucks stuck together around the Pikachu, engulfing him in a box of ice. The Pikachu was frozen solid, and its eyes were closed. It had been hit with a Sheer Cold attack leaving only the Golduck and Piplup left in Team Driftwood.

Piplup had chased Dodger into the woods when it started hailing. The penguin was running through the forest, zigzagging in between the trees, looking for Dodger. Dodger had hid behind a tree that the Piplup had passed, so he jumped out and used Faint Attack again, “jumping” behind the Piplup and charging into it again; this time, though, Doger followed through the attack, pinning the Piplup to the forest floor. The Piplup wiggled and struggled under the Houndour, who blasted him with Flamethrowers. The Piplup wasn’t going to be defeated by this mere pup, so it shot a Hydro Pump into Dodger’s face, making the small Dwarf Pokemon flip backwards and continue flipping until it hit the ground and slide to a tree that stopped him.

The Golduck was on the verge of loosing when Sickle slammed her again with a giant Wood Hammer, which was just a tree pulled out of the ground. Sickle decided to finish the Golduck off with a Ice Shard, but was stopped in its tracks by a Psychic attack. Sickle was thrown into tree, then into the ground, and back into the tree before Golduck lost concentration. Sickle struggled to its feet, and slung his arms towards the Golduck. Razor sharp leaves fell from the tree above him and sliced through the duck’s tender skin, finishing him off.

A scream of pain rang through the forest and caught Sickle’s ears, “Dodger!” He started waddling in that direction as fast as the tree could, but would he get there in time?

The Piplup was panting for air by this time, Dodger on the ground, shaking because he was soaking wet, and it was really cold now. His yelp for help could not be heard, but he yelped again. The Piplup laughed evilly, not knowing its team mates were defeated, and charged another Hydro Pump, His small body plumped for a few minutes, water collecting, his cheeks puffed out, and then he let out the stream of water that would make Dodger faint, or even worse, drown him. Dodger looked up, eyes distraught with terror, then it clicked. There was one attack that could get him away from the Piplup; Faint Attack. He disappeared once more. This action confused the Piplup who looked around defensively. Sickle stood in the brush, blending in t the snowy trees. The hail was stopping outside the forest, and the sun was going to ruin Sickle’s cover. He has to finish this quickly… Sickle thought to himself.

Dodger came back into sight behind the Piplup, ramming him back into the ground. Dodger didn’t want to keep this battle going; he had to do what he thought he’d never do. He had to kill the Piplup. He lowered his miniature head to the tendons in the Piplup’s small neck. His canines visible; he bite down. Blood filled his mouth with an awful metallic taste. So, he jumped back, spitting it on the ground.

Dodger ran towards the end of the forest, and Sickle followed. They meet up where they first met the trio who called them selves ‘Team Driftwood.” Dodger looked up into Sickle’s eyes, and started crying.

“What’s wrong, Dodger?” Sickle asked, confused, ”You beat the Piplup, didn’t you? You should be happy!”

Dodger shook his head, “I…I killed him…Sickle…” He just continued to bawl, not even trying to stop.

Sickle smiled at the innocence of Dodger, “It’s okay, Dodger…people die, and Pokemon kill Pokemon all the time. It’s natural…”

Dodger, not knowing this because he was once human, looked up sniffing, “Really?”

Sickle nodded, “Yes, now ssh…stop crying, okay?” Sickle patted Doger’s skull covered head. Dodger nodded and sniffed again, starting to stop crying. Sickle started walking towards town once more.

Dodger followed, but had one question, “Why did they call themselves “Team Driftwood?”

Sickle looked around at the Houndour, “Well, they were a bad Rescue Team.”

“Rescue Team?” Dodger asked, confused.

Ready for Grading! <3

Pokemon Questing: Snover
Minimal Amount of Characters: 10-20K
Total Characters: 12,062
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Old 06-01-2008, 04:51 AM
Phantom Kat's Avatar
Phantom Kat Offline
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Default Re: An Unbelievable Beginning

I hate coming back home late at night. D=

Plot: So Dodger, once a human, wakes up as Houndour and begins freaking out. As he is doing that, he meets Sickle, a Snover who brings him to town and shows him around. After that, Sickle shows Dodger his temporary new home, where the tired Houndour falls asleep. The next days, Sickle plans to take Dodger into town by Team Driftwood faces them. After a long fight, the fight is ended by Dodger killing the Piplup.

First, I would like to commend you for not using a boring “kid walks into forest and finds Pokemon” plot. For the most part, it follows the original PMD story line with Team Driftowood resembling Team Meanies from the game and Sickle, of course, being the friendly partner from the game. It’s good that based your story off PMD because it can offer a lot of cool plot possibilities, but try to make to make it as original as possible in the future instead of just replacing characters with your own. If anything, I say steer away from PMD’s plot as much as you can (that doesn’t mean your story can’t be based off PMD) and its events. ;)

Also, I would have liked to see more of Dodger’s feelings in the story. The game itself doesn’t really focus much on the main character’s feelings about being transformed into a Pokemon and hurled into an unknown world, but if you add this to your story, it will make everything seem much more realistic. Just try and get more into Dodger’s (and maybe Sickle’s) psyche as you write the story, let us know how they are coping with this strange and new development in their lives. Also, moments like Dodger killing Piplup can truly be sad and memorable if you tell us how Dodger felt about it.

Introduction: It starts off nice. You described Dodger’s appearance as a Houndour and his worries about returning to the human world. Next time, though, make sure you add more of the surroundings that are around the main character because I did not seem them at all. Was Dodger in a clearing in the middle of the woods? Was he stranded at the side of a dirt trail? Just like how you described Dodger, described where he was.

Grammar/Spelling: It was good for the most part, I didn’t see any major mistakes that distracted me as I reading. However, there were some things that popped up in your story.

Dodger raised his left eyebrow, “Really, because that seems like a bunch of bologna.”
You only put a comma before and after dialogue if the character said something along the lines of “said”, “screamed”, “exclaimed”, “yelped out”, etc. If the character didn’t say that, like in the sentence above, you don’t put a comma. So here, you change the comma into a period. Now, if you would have put something like, “Dodger raised his left eyebrow and said”, then a comma would be correct.

Dodger trotted along behind the waddling tree, swaying his head from side to side, looking at his surroundings.
You need a comma here.

The one on the far left was a Pikachu; whose eyes were scrunched together, and he looked very angry.
Don’t put the semicolon because the second part is not a complete sentence.

The Golduck, who surprisingly had a feminine voice, said; twig bouncing in her mouth.
Change the semicolon into a comma because the last part is not a complete sentence.

The Piplup had finally got Dodger off of his fin, and spewed small, multi-colored bubbles at Dodger, who jumped backwards dodging the water attack.
Sometimes your words were in present tense, like here. This should be “gotten”. Make sure you watch out for that.

This wasn’t a move, but Snover’s ability.
Right here, you’re saying Sickle’s name is Snover. You should be “the” before it to show that Sickle is a Snover.

The grass and ice dual type Pokemon directed its attention to the Pikachu.
Sometimes you changed from “he” to “it” then back again. Pick one and stick with it.

Overall, just make sure you proofread over your more thoroughly, and fix up that grammar/comma mistake I pointed out in the beginning.

Length: No problems here, good job. =)

Description/Detail: This was good, better than what I would expect in a first story, so give yourself a pat on the back for surprising me. ^^

I adore the description your gave Dodger in the beginning, it was spot on, and you executed perfectly. Now, do the same thing but with every important character in your story because I have no idea what Sickle or any of the members of Team Driftwood looked like. All important characters (whether be them humans, Pokemon, aliens, etc.) should be described to the best of your ability because if you don’t, all we’ll see will be your main character and talking blobs. Xp

Like I said in your description, bring out your surroundings more. You have basic descriptions of the town and the hut, but elaborate on it more so that we can see what you can visualize in your mind. What color was the hut? Was it burning hot inside? Were there bones and stones littering the front yard of this new house? Elaborating on your descriptions can paint us a clear picture that will stick with us throughout the story.

Battle: Wow, your battle at the end was surely interesting. Really, I don’t have much to critique here other than suggesting you elaborate more on the description of the attacks. Was the hail from the Sheer Cold baseball-size chunks of glittering, cerulean-blue ice? Were Dodger’s Flamethrowers streams of ruby-red heat? Add some color and sounds to your battles to make them alive, imagine the battles in the Pokemon anime and how colorful they are.

The ending of the battle made me go “aww”. It was sad how Dodger killed the Piplup and then cried afterwards. It was sad and unexpected at the same time.

Outcome: Despite the plot being similar to the beginning of PMD and some grammar mistakes, the story as a whole was a nice read that put a smile to my face. Snover captured! Make sure you work on making the plots more original (add some more of your own twists), your grammar mistakes, and elaboration on your description. Other than that, have fun with your living tree, leo, and hope you continue this! ^.^

- Kat

(Banner by the epic Neo Pikachu) TAC Challenge: I'm learning Finnish! ^-^

My Author Profile | URPG Stats | Kat x Bryce

Last edited by Phantom Kat; 06-01-2008 at 05:20 AM.
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