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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 05-31-2008, 07:15 PM
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Default A Turn for The Worst

Luke Schajer was my name. My mother died for an unknown reason and my dad is a criminal. I was an orphan.

The day started out as usual. It was raining, the rain making my blonde hair a dark brownish color.

A little girl and her mother went walking toward me. The girl was laughing at me, “Stop laughing at me!” I yelled. The little girl had brown hair in pigtails. Her mother frowned at me.

“You should be ashamed of yourself, you young man!” Her mother snapped. The little girl then started crying. It must have been the loudest scream I have ever heard in my 12-year-old life.

The little girl and her mother went toward the other way. I looked in a mirror of a clothing shop, and my green eyes looked as droopy as ever. My plaid shirt was as dirty as heck, though my pants were clean since I had enough money to go to the laundry mat. “Why am I so worthless…?”

“Ma, Machop!” I turned behind me, seeing the Pokemon. Of course, it probably belonged to some wrestler.

“Are you wild?” I asked the little guy. I could already tell he was in need of food, like me. I could see his ribcage.

The Machop looked at me. “Machop?” I knew what that meant. It was wild.

I told the Machop everything that happened in the past of my life. The Machop kept nodding as we were walking on the sidewalk of Celedon City.

“So, Machop. You need some food?” I had a little bit of pumpkin left. I was planning to save it for the next week, but this Pokemon needs some food.

The Machop shakes its head, and then started running. It must want to play a game, I thought. I started chasing it with my bare feet. This Machop was fast. My feet continually stepped on rocks, and sometimes-even glass.

I then tripped outside the Rocket Casino. The building was a red building but the paint was starting to come off. Machop wondered where I was, so he went back to find me on the ground. The Machop helped me by getting me up.

“This building is fun. The other casino buildings say they cannot let kids gamble. I always find money here on the ground and that makes a day’s meal. Let’s go on inside, Machop,” I said. I headed toward the entrance, which were two automatic doors that were blue. Machop followed me inside.

I then looked on the ground for some coins the gamblers might have dropped.

All gamblers looked at Machop.

“That Machop isn’t added to my collection yet! I am going to catch him!” A gambler that looked about 20 years old said. His belt had four Pokemon, and I am sure it was not going to be good for Machop.

The doors opened and his long, brown hair blew in the distance. “Machop is my Pokemon!” I lied. The man ignored my lie and then picked up a Pokeball from his belt.

“Go, Absol!” The Pokeball let out a red light and then closed. “You, use Razor Wind!” The Pokemon’s blue face looked serious. It then turned it around in circles, causing a little wind to come out. I did not have much time.

“Machop, use Karate Chop! Then follow it up with a Low Kick!” I yelled. To my surprise, Machop listened to me. He came dashing toward Absol and then chopped it causing some damage.

Machop used Low Kick next. “Dodge by jumping!” The Absol listened to the man and it dodged the pity kick Machop used, “Now use Razor Wind!” Absol let loose three small tornados. One of them hit Machop, and when it was over, Machop was dizzy. However, it did not let his guard down.

“Machop, use Poison Jab!” Machop’s hands became purple. Of course, Machop jabbed its hands into Absol’s body. Absol was now shaking because it was poisoned.

“Ahh, sucks! Absol use Night Slash!” Absol caused the scenery to change into a dark room. Absol then appeared out of nowhere and then slashed Machop.

“Machop, use Foresight and follow that up with a Return!” The room was back to normal, and then Machop’s Return looked as powerful it could be. It punched the Disaster Pokemon repeatedly.

Absol was getting weak. “Return, Absol!” The trainer opened his Pokeball and the Absol was sucked into a red light in an instant. “Go, Vigoroth!”

A monkey-like Pokemon came out the same way like Absol did. I already know Absol had probably fainted. “Use DynamicPunch!” It was probably Machop’s most powerful move in its arsenal. Machop’s hand turned light yellow and punched Vigoroth.

Vigoroth was caused to spin after contact. Vigoroth was confused and it was limping in circles. “Use Slash, Vigoeoth!” Vigoroth started slashing the walls with its nails. Vigoroth was hurt, causing it to faint.

“A puny Pokemon like Machop took away half my Pokemon! Go Magneton!” Magneton was sent out in the same red light when Vigoroth was sent out.

“Use Thunderbolt!” A jolt of electricity was released from the six magnets from Magneton’s body. Machop was able to shake off the hit.

“DynamicPunch again!” The hand of Machop’s became lighter than it was before. It must have been full power, I thought.

Machop dashed toward the other Pokemon and slammed it to the wall, causing it to faint.

“That was my last Pokemon! This Pokeball is empty and was specially designed for Machop! Oh well. Go Pokeball!” I blocked the hit, even though it wasn’t my Pokemon.

The man then gave up. He ran outside. “Machop, you okay?” I asked.

“Machop,” the Pokemon said. Then it nodded joyfully.

“So Machop. I bought a Pokeball. You could join my team if you want.”

Machop was thinking about this offer. It shrugged its shoulders. It doesn’t know.

I headed outside, and Machop was still thinking. Will he accept? For now, I just rested outside, waiting for an answer. Machop then headed outside, with an answer. I wondered what was his answer. Will he accept?

But for now, the rain stopped and the sun came out and shined on my face. And then it was blocked by a small cloud, and I could already tell what Machop was going to say.

The same lady and her little girl was walking toward me. They both smiled at Machop and me.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you,” the lady said, “Your Machop there must be a nice Pokemon.”

“Yeah, this Machop is nice. But it isn’t mine… yet.”
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  #2  
Old 05-31-2008, 07:17 PM
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Default Re: A Turn for The Worst

Pokemon for Capture: Machop
Characters Needed: 5-10K
Characters with Spaces:6198
Characters without Spaces: 5098


Ready for Grading.
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  #3  
Old 06-01-2008, 08:31 AM
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Default Re: A Turn for The Worst

-dibsed ;)-

PLOT:

Luke, a boy who is apparently homeless, is wandering around the streets of Celadon when he meets a Machop. The Machop is wild, and in need of food, so Luke takes it to the Rocket Casino, where there’re usually enough coins dropped to buy a meal. A man in the casino, however, wants Machop, and ignores Luke’s protests that Machop is Luke’s Pokémon. The man and Machop battle, with Luke giving Machop commands. Machop defeats three Pokémon, and then the man runs off. Luke asks Machop if it wants to join his team of Pokémon.

Good plot, I like how you didn’t go for ‘kid in forest’ plot. I’m presuming this is your first story, as I’ve checked and I can’t see any others by you, so it’s good to know that you can think of good plots.

INTRODUCTION:

You brought us into the story with Luke telling us he was an orphan, them with a woman screeching at him because he looked a disgrace.

It was a good way to bring us in, but I felt you could’ve gone into more depth. How old was Luke when his mother died, and why couldn’t he live in hiding with his dad? Had his mum been ill for several weeks and then slowly died, or was it so sudden, it was unnatural? These things can really bring a story and its characters alive, and we feel we can understand them more :)

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:

Very good in this area, you certainly know the basic rules. Just a few points:

[[The Machop shakes its head, and then started running.]]

You did this continually. If you use a verb in one tense, then the verbs in the rest of the sentence should be in that tense. So it would either be one of these two:

**The Machop shakes its head, and then starts running.**
**The Machop shook its head, and then started running.**

[[Absol then appeared out of nowhere and then slashed Machop.]]

The second ‘then’ is not needed.

[[“That was my last Pokemon! This Pokeball is empty and was specially designed for Machop! Oh well. Go Pokeball!” I blocked the hit, even though it wasn’t my Pokemon.]]

If you have a long piece of speech and then don’t say who said it, the next action, if it’s by someone else, has a new paragraph.

Also, when describing Pokémon as he/she/it, it’s best to pick one and stick with it, not change through them.

LENGTH:

It was a little bit shorter than you made it out to be, but I’m not so fussy I’m going to grade you down for that :P. You had 6k characters, which is just scraping the bottom of the barrel. In future stories, it’s good to aim for at least half-way. Remember, expanding plots, description, the battle and the introduction can do wonders in this area! :)

DETAIL/DESCRIPTION:

Enough for the characters, I suppose. Good amount, good quality. The one thing you didn’t describe though was the Pokémon. You said Absol had a blue face and Vigoroth was monkey like. That could make them look like anything. In future, try to describe them as if you’re describing them to a blind person who wants to know every detail… well, ok, maybe not every detail, but you could maybe say Vigoroth was “a monkey like Pokémon with sharp claws and white fur”.

BATTLE:

*applauds*. Outstanding for a first-story. It took up a good chunk of the story, and was double sided. Pitting three Pokémon against Machop was good, and I’m surprised it managed to beat them, to be honest. The only thing I would suggest is to let Machop get hurt a bit more. That may sound evil, but trust me, Graders LOVE a good battle!

OUTCOME:

Well, it was definitely a good first story, so Machop Captured. Have fun with your grey punchy thingy, and recommend me as a Grader to all of your friends! xD Just kidding.
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Last edited by -Pichu Boy-; 06-01-2008 at 08:58 AM.
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