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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 06-01-2008, 01:25 PM
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Default The Magic Touch {Story Deal}

I nervously crept around the corner, although there was no need for caution. No once was here, right?

Small spotlights shone brightly on ancient artifacts, making them glitter and glimmer. It was very tempting to just reach in and grab them, but that wasn’t why I was here.

I guess you could call me an amateur thief. Pokemon paid me to steal for them, and I’d get what they wanted. It was a dishonest living, but I was good at it.

Now though, I was having second thoughts about my current job. I was here to steal a pair of gloves, but they weren’t ordinary gloves. They had the power to make things come to life.

I easily blended in, being dark-skinned. Although you’d expect that this museum from which I was currently trying to steal from would turn out their spotlights at night, they didn’t.

According to my client, the gloves were at the end of the hallway that I was in, in a glass case. Stealing the gloves would be easy, or so they told me.

I continued down the dark hallway, after having passing through an exhibit on ancient cities. The dense carpet that I walked on muffled my footsteps. Seeing a light, I sped up a little bit, and soon found myself in a small, circular room.

Smack dab in the middle of the room was a glass case. A bright yellow spotlight shown down on it from the ceiling, illuminating the case.

The gloves were small enough to fit on my hands, so I could easily get them out. They were a rusty color, and looked fairly thin. I peered into the case closer, to see if there were any lasers that would alert the security of my presence.

I could see my reflection in the glass. My dark gray skin was covering a small, well-built body. Atop my head, I could see the strange bar-like growths unique to us Machops. I could see my bright green eyes sparkling. Done with staring at myself, I looked up to see a security camera pointed at me.

I knew that destroying the camera, would alert them, but so would breaking the box open. There really would be no easy way to do this.

With a sigh, I began to flex my muscles, ready to break the small glass box open. Cocking one arm back, I launched a powerful punch at the glass box. It shattered, the glass splinters littering the ground around me. In the distance, I could hear a siren going off, screaming for the intruder to be caught.

I quickly grabbed the gloves in my left hand, and turned to run out, but alas. In front of me, the circular room’s only exit was currently being barred off by long metal bars, interlocking like fingers together to create no possible space for escape. Unless I smashed through the wall, which would get me nowhere, I’d have to break through there.

Once again cocking my right arm back, I sent energy to my knuckles, and released my energy in a fearsome Dynamicpunch at the metal bars. My fist clanged uselessly off the bars, hurting like nothing I had felt before. I hissed, as it stung, and I waved my hand around in the air, trying to make the pain stop.

I sighed. I was trapped, unless I could figure a way out of here. It seemed I couldn’t break out of here, unless some sort of miracle happened. My glance fell upon the pair of gloves in my left hand, and I grinned. It was worth a shot.

Pulling the gloves on over my hands, I flexed my fingers. The gloves were cool on the inside, almost like putting your hand in a pool of water, without the wet.

I lightly touched the bars with my gloved hand. They grew warm under my soft touch, and I stepped back to see what I had done.

The bars began to move around in a snake-like fashion, acting almost like an Arbok attacking its prey, moving back and forth as if to hypnotize something. It wasn’t long before they were all moving like that, and I slipped through, and into the hallway.

It was illuminated by red lights, and I could see a handrail running from one end of the hallway to the other, into the exhibit hall. I ran swiftly down the hallway, into the exhibit hall.

Large metal cages encased everything in this exhibit hall like mothers protecting their babies, so I didn’t stop to pick up any interesting artifacts.

Upon passing through there, I found myself in a small circular room, with small glass showcases built into the wall, showing off neat rocks. Smack dab in the center of the room was a large stone statue of a trainer and his Pokemon.

It was large, about 6 feet in height. The trainer’s eyes seemed to be filled with joy at being around the Pikachu that sat upon his shoulder. His hair was messy, and I couldn’t tell what color it was. He was well built, and rather muscular. He was rather intimidating, as he clutched a single Pokeball in his right hand, which was held up by his left shoulder.

Suddenly, a noise from outside the museum startled me. “Attention! WE have you surrounded! Come outside with your hands in the air!” a megaphone boomed. I staggered forward, frightened by the loud noise, and my gloved hand fell upon the trainer statue.

I quickly jumped backwards against the wall, as I watched on in horror. His joints began to move, and soon, he was off the pedestal upon which he had been standing.

He was still stone, along with the Pikachu that twitched its ears on his shoulder, but now he was moving. His stone head creaked as he observed his surroundings.

“PIKACHU!” he yelled to his companion. “THERE IS A POKEMON. LET US CATCH IT!” he roared, pointing a long stone arm at me.

“PIKA PIKA!” the Pikachu squeaked on his shoulder, jumping off. I noticed something strange. They were gaining colors, and becoming real!

The trainer shook his new auburn colored hair out of his gray eyes. “PIKACHU! USE QUICK ATTACK!” he ordered his companion.

Pikachu began darting from left to right, becoming only a yellow blur. I began to run away, out into the main hall, where hopefully, I could escape. Suddenly, something slammed into my back, and I slid forward on the cool marble floor, into the main hall. Pikachu jumped onto my belly, red cheeks sparkling with dangerous activity.

“PIKACHU! NOW USE YOUR DISCHARGE ATTACK!” the trainer ordered, running out into the hall with us. I froze up in fear. A Discharge attack this close would probably knock me out! My arms were pinned beneath me, so I couldn’t punch the mouse off of me, so I did the first thing that came to me.

I scowled, making what I hoped to be a very scary face. “PIKA!” Pikachu screamed, jumping off me to hide behind his trainer. I leapt up, and held my fists in a fighting position.

“Come on! Bring it!” I taunted, hoping to get the Pikachu angry. Pikachu gave me a nasty look, and began to charge at me.

“PIKACHU! DON’T FALL FOR IT!” the trainer yelled at his small companion. I pulled one of my arms back, charging up power in my fist, waiting for Pikachu to get close. Pikachu jumped into the air at me, and I responded by releasing my Dynamicpunch, hitting him right in the face.

“CHUUU!” it screamed as it was flung through the air, landing with a thump against a desk. Maps of the museum slid off of the desk, on top of Pikachu.

“PIKACHU!” the trainer screeched. He turned to me, gray eyes burning in anger. “YOU!” he roared, running up to me. This caught me be surprise, and the trainer grabbed my skin and pulled me up to his face with one powerful arm. “YOU HURT MY PIKACHU!” he roared, flinging me across the hall. I smacked into a wall, and slumped down onto the ground, my body aching fiercely.

The trainer walked calmly over to Pikachu, who got up, his eyes burning with hatred towards me as well. I glanced over at the translucent entry doors, and could faintly see the faces of police officers, watching in awe.

Suddenly, I once again felt my skin being pulled up by the trainer. He dragged me over towards his Pikachu, and slammed me onto the ground. He cocked one arm back, and gave me a powerful punch right on my nose. I could feel blood beginning to trickle out, so I lay there, motionless.

“PIKACHU!” he yelled. I pulled my head up to see him about 10 feet away from me, with Pikachu standing right in front of him. “USE A THUNDER ATTACK TO FINISH HIM OFF!” The yellow mouse crackled with electricity, but that quickly went away. I could hear thunder booming somewhere in the distance. Suddenly, I heard a crack, and a bolt of lightning broke through the ceiling, bringing parts of the building down with it.

It was as if my whole body was on fire. My nerves burned, my skin burned, and I just wanted it to end. The last thing I felt before passing out was the smack of the trainer’s Pokeball upon my head.

For: Machop
Level and Length: Medium, 5k to 10k
Characters: 8451

Ready for Grading. :]
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  #2  
Old 06-01-2008, 01:32 PM
Legendary Wolf Offline
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Default Re: The Magic Touch {Story Deal}

Here ya go.

Introduction: The introduction was well, a little tasteless. It begins with Machop in the museum stealing some gloves that seem to make everything they touch come to life. How he is introduced is rather bland though. You don't even give a name to the Pokemon which like most, I would expect to have. At least a nickname. And the character himself was a little flat and see-through-able. You explained that he was dark-skinned and had growths that were special & exclusive to the Machops. But other then that it was mostly just the readers thought. If I hadnever seen a Machop before in my life I would probably assume something alot different that what it actually is. And there wasn't much background information except that he'd been stealing for awhile and he had been assigned a mission. Try to lifen it up a little and tell the city he's in and other tiny details.

Story/Plot: I thought this part was actually pretty good except with Machop stealing a life-forming glove and then almost being caught in a rooom, uses the glove to escape, which was a nice touch. To actually use the item that he stole on his way out was pretty smart for a life eaten cook to do, so kudos to that. However some empty spots in the story line made me a bit wary about it. Like, who employed Machop to steal the gloves, depending on the Pokemon that could make a big difference. Such as if it was for Sableye it could be used for some sort of evil, and if were something like Happiny then it could mean that she wants to bring back one of her loved ones who had died back though, Im severly doubting the second one.

It was fun when Mr. Ash Ketchum and Pikachu, or that was my assumption, were a statue giving the impression that it was somewhere in the future, and that he had finally managed to create his dream of being a worldwide champion. How he came to life, however, was another hooker that made me laugh in amusement(in a good way) as they were being reborn. However, the question dawned on me that when Machop escaped the room with the bars. How would the police notice that he had escaped, if they had come, wouldn't the assumption that he had been trapped be the role and they would be marching in to try and put him in jail. Well, thats just my two cents.

Grammar/Spelling: This was virutally flawless, and Im proud to say I could pick out any major mistakes, maybe a few typo's but nothing to put this section in harm's way over the capture or not.

Length: Good job Mr. Stunkypoo.

Descrption/Details The details of the story was pretty great if I had to say. I could visually imagine almost everything, except the things you didn't quite detail. Such as the Pikachu and Ash. If both had been the same then wouldn't it make more sense to base it off what Ash really would of done. Such as, if Ash had really been in a battle and Pikachu was smacked like that, he wouldn't turn so futile and start beating the Machop he would encourage Pkachu to get up and try again. However, the view on Machop wasn't that great either as he way only described as dark-skinned with a type of blue eyes.

Battle: This was exceptionally short to be honest. If I were too mach a battle between Machop and Pikachu, I would expect much more then what was shown here. Machop only got one move in throughout the entire battle which isn't barely enough for it. However the exception to it was how strong and furious, plus how the momentum played in when the Pikachu charged into a Dynamic Punch, and as stated before, Ash probably wouldn't beat down on it for punching a Pikachu or else a lot of other Pocket Monsters would be dead for sure. Pikachu also only got one or two attacks in, even though they were strong, I would expect them to go the other way. So Thunder, apparently would come first and then the final blow, Quick Attack, would well finish it. Next time try to make it a big more two-sided though.

Outcome: Overall, I would have to say that Machop Captured!!! would be the correct choice, have fun. :]
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Last edited by Legendary Wolf; 06-01-2008 at 02:33 PM.
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