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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 08-01-2008, 04:40 AM
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Default Day on the Beach (Summer Story Comp unless I'm not too late, which I probably am D:)

If this gets graded in time its for the SSC. YAY procrastination, and that the other story was for two demanding mons and is only halfway done. :D

Day on the Beach

There was a tiny tourist island in the Hoenn region called Elberret. Elberret was a tropical island, with center filled with a large, lush green jungle, and the coasts lined with spectacular sandy beaches. There was a single small town on the island. During winters and fall the population was somewhere around five hundred. That was the time most people didn’t come to Elberret. However, when the summers hit and warmer weather washed over the island, the population quadrupled.

It was a perfect paradise, with a bunch of excellent restaurants, white, sandy beaches, excellent surf, and excellent fishing. The island was home to a whole bunch of Pokemon too. Kingdra, Dragonair, and Seaking roamed the seas, while rare Pokemon like Snorlax, Yanmega, and Venusaur hid in the lush forests. With all these Pokemon that meant that this spot was a prime vacation spot for two types of people: Pokemon Trainers, and Pokemon Watchers.

The former came here to train and capture Pokemon. Not many came, but the few who did dub it, “King’s Safari Zone”. With the massive number of rare and Powerful Pokemon, no wonder that the place was popular. The watchers on the other hand revere Elberret for large number of rare Pokemon that could be studied and examined up close in their natural habitat, without them being angered like the ones on the mainland.

The majority of Hoenn revered Elberret as the perfect paradise. However, the inhabitants of Elberret knew better. The newer, year-round inhabitants were usually told of this, but occasionally it slipped their minds. And so it did when eleven-year-old Alice moved in with her Luvdisc and Jolteon.

The consequence of the villager’s actions came on September 27th. The young girl was running along the beach. She was quite alone on that beach, except for her Pokemon, a sunbathing old couple, and a group of loud college students playing volleyball a few yards away.

The girl took no notice of these people. Crouched in the sand, with water lapping over her feet, Alice examined something small inches under the water’s surface. She examined it curiously, as if she had never seen something like it before. It was a large yellowish tooth, embedded into the sand sticking straight up. Serrated on the sides like a steak knife, it was an ominous sign, and the normal villagers would have leapt out of the water in seconds. Alice didn’t know, so she took sensed no danger with the tooth, but instead looked up, noticing that the sun was already dipping off over the horizon. If she didn’t leave now, she’d be later for dinner.

Alice was tall for her age, with short yellow hair that barely tickled her shoulder. Her hair was almost the exact color of the small four-legged creature that was running around next to her. It was more interested with the tiny waves washed up onto the shore. Full of energy the spiky yellow Pokemon chased the waves as they receded back into the ocean and fled quickly when a new wave came rushing up to the beach, and then rushed back towards the ocean restarting the cycle. Alice laughed when she saw her Jolteon racing around, aimlessly. The small Pokemon had never seen the waves before, so obviously he had no idea what to expect.

After watching it for a while, Alice stood up and waded into the water, looking for her second Pokemon, the pink heart-shaped Luvdisc. The water had come to her hip, covering the bottom part of the light blue bikini when she finally spotted the fish. It was swimming happily under the water’s surface, shaking the back part of her body to propel herself along. Alice thought she was fairly easy to spot in the warm, blue-green tropical water, with Luvdisc’s bright pink body. She was fairly small, even by Luvdisc standards, but in Alice’s opinion, she was the cutest thing in the world.

Alice beckoned the fish towards her. “Ready to go home now?” said Alice sweetly, as if she were talking to swimming, heart-shaped newborn baby.

The fish curled her tiny mouth into a frown. It was clear that Luvdisc loved the water, but she nodded anyways.

Alice grinned, picked Luvdisc up, and gave her a quick kiss, before putting her down, and motioning it to follow her.

Once Alice reached the shore, she called out to Jolteon. The speedy little Pokemon was still racing around in the water, and he was still having a great time. Alice decided she’d call him later; after she got Luvdisc back into her Pokeball. She scanned the white sanded beach, looking for a small light blue bag, which was filled with her supplies, like sunscreen, towels, Pokeballs, and dry clothes. She found it almost instantly, just a couple yards from the edge of the water. She hurried up to the bag, and began rummaging inside of it looking for one of her two familiar red and white spheres.

Alice carelessly pulled out and tossed her things out of the bag and onto the sand next to her. She heard a big splash behind her, no doubt of Jolteon leaping into water and failing around before he began to paddle his way back to shore. Alice didn’t pay much attention to it, but kept looking for the red and white sphere.

It was not long, with most of the bag’s contents on the sand, that Alice found the Pokeball that she had been looking for. She felt a light prod of something small and wet on her side, and a series of quick panicked yelps. Alice turn to her left, and as soon as she saw the look on Jolteon’s face, she knew instantly that something was very wrong.

Jolteon quickly hurried back to the water, yelping and barking, and Alice followed, the little ball still clutched in her hand. He stopped inches from the water, yelping and jumping up and down. Alice stared at the spot a couple yards out in front of them. The water was stained an ominous deep red, which floated there like seaweed.

Alice’s heart began to race, as she saw the terrifying circle. “Luvdisc!” she cried out. There was no answer. Jolteon stepped into the water, sniffing the salty sand, looking for a trace of the small Pokemon.

“Luvdisc!” screamed Alice over the water again. She felt something small and wet hit her ankle. It was a bright pink semicircle, oozing red blood from one side.

Alice screamed, and kicked the bloody thing away. There was a splash, roar, yelp and thud on Alice’s left. She turned just in time to see Jolteon speed out of the way of some that seemed to have leapt out of the water. It was a flailing fish with a pair of mad, hungry eyes, and a huge gaping mouth that took up most of its red and blue face. Yellow fins were flapped furiously as he struggled to move around on the sand. A piece of pink flesh hanged out of it mouth.

Alice jumped back, with a scream when she saw it. “Luvdisc!” she yelled at the piece of flesh in the man eating fish’s mouth. The fish flailed around, desperately trying to get itself out back into the water.

“You ate her!” screamed Alice again. Fury rose up inside of Alice, mixed with a painful grief and anguish, and desire for revenge. Blinded by an uncharacteristic bout of rage, Alice yelled, “Take Down, Jolteon!”

Jolteon obliged, charging into the water after the fish, and slamming into its side. The fish was thrown back into the water, and Jolteon recoiled, its head lined with small scratches. Jolteon groan, as the fish smiled maliciously as it sank back into the water. Jolteon backed away, looking wary, not knowing where the fish would strike.

“There!” screamed Alice pointing to Jolteon’s left, “Doge and use your Thunderbolt attack!” The fish flew out of the ocean, propelled by jets of water, with its mouth a gape. The spiked Pokemon leapt to side while launching crooked bolts of yellow lightning. The fish flew past them, and rammed itself into the ground, while the menacing bolt harmlessly bounced off the sand.

The fish flailed again, ruined on the land, unable to move. “Thunder Fang attack!” yelled Alice, who looked positively insane with fury.

Jolteon leapt forward again, clamping its mouth around one of the fish’s fins; sending bolts of electricity through the fish’s body. Wincing with pain, the fish managed to clamp its massive jaws around one Jolteon’s leg. The poor Pokemon let go instantly, and the electricity stopped coursing through the fish’s body, and let out a howl. He flailed around, and managed to wrench his leg out of the fish’s death grip, stripping it of most flesh and stumbled backwards, falling down into a large rock. He screamed into the air and blood oozed out the spot that he was hit.

As the fish hoped towards Jolteon, it got up, holding the chalk white remnants of a leg. Tired and exhausted, Jolteon crumpled to the floor, barely able to keep his head off the ground.

Alice stared at Jolteon, bloody, bruised, and nearly beaten. Normally she was an excellent battler with Jolteon, but the rage had clouded her judgment, and allowed Jolteon to be injured. The fish was inching closer to the defeated Pokemon, surprisingly still energized, with an insane starving look in his eye. She had to end this battle soon.

“Thunder!” she yelled, finally, when the fish was inches from striking distance.

Jolteon closed its eyes, concentrating deeply, and then a massive stream of yellow lightning bolts flew from his body, strait into the sky. Seconds later it came crashing down slamming into the fish, shocking him to the core. The mad fish was catapulted into the air, still crackling with the electricity. I plummeted down to earth landing barely a foot away from Jolteon. The little yellow Pokemon however had no fight left in it, and closed its eyes, hopefully, out cold.

The fish, however, opened its eyes a crack, and opened its mouth feebly. Alice screamed from the sidelines squeezing her hands into fists. It was then when she noticed the Pokeball in the hand. The one, which had previously belonged to the now dead Luvdisc. Quickly, she decided that it was the only way, and hurled the Pokeball at the wounded fish. A sad tear leaked out of her eye as the fish was sucked up and began to shake.

Out in the ocean, however, hundreds of yellow fins stuck out over the water, ready to replace their fallen brother.


For: Carvanaha
Characters needed: 10,000
Characters have: 10,280

Yes, its fail, I know. :D
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Done: 8680

I don't ref forum battles/1v1s. Don't PM me to ref, IM me instead.
I need to have basic battles.

I grade week old stories that are Hard rank or lower. :)


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  #2  
Old 08-22-2008, 09:18 PM
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EmBreon Offline
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Default Re: Day on the Beach (Summer Story Comp unless I'm not too late, which I probably am

Hello, . Sorry for your wait.

Story/Plot: I thought this was really cool. One of those sci-fi feeling type things. The beginning seemed all happy and flowery, and then Alice's Luvdisc gets mauled and in comes a ferocious Carvanha.

I think the introduction took a little too much time for a short story such is this. We didn't get to the main plot until almost halfway through the text. To me, that seems to over-embellish it a bit, and I wouldn't be surprised if it was simply to acquire enough characters to be within the estimated limit. :P A little more time on the story itself, and a little less time on opening scene could have helped make this an even better read.

Something else besides Alice encountering a rabid fish would have been a nice add-on. I'm the type of person who likes multi-layered plots with more happening than one simple problem. But that's just me, and this is a Medium story, so. :x

Other than that, I think this story was very good. I can't think of much else to advise you on, other than the cliche things you hear in every grade so I'll stop here.

Grammar/Spelling: Nothing I could find in desperate need of being pointed out, so good job.

But I feel like a failure if I say nothing here, so...

Quote:
There was a splash, roar, yelp and thud on Alice’s left.
Not exactly, grammatically incorrect, but the wording is a bit "ew" to me. It seems almost incomplete and takes the attention away from the actual events. Putting 'a' in front of roar and yelp would help a lot, or changing the wording so it had a more devastating impact on reader.

That was something I noticed a bit in your writing style here. It may have been done intentionally, but it seemed that the story should have been themed a bit darker than what it was. This girl lost probably her favorite Pokemon as it was ripped to shreds, and yet the events and wording of the story were very mild and not exactly fitting. I could see your writing style improving so much if you tried to really get some emotion from your story. Go further into explaining the behavior of the Carvanha and it's predator instinct's. How the girl is devastated at losing her partner, and what Jolteon's perception of all this is.

Basically what I am saying is to go deeper beneath the surface of just writing the scene. Pretend it's a movie in your mind and use words to transfer those emotions on paper. Er...screen.

And this apparently belongs in the Detail category but I'm just going to leave it here. x_x

Quote:
It was more interested with the tiny waves washed up onto the shore.
The problem with this sentence lies in the word "more". It makes this incomplete because what don't know what it is referring to. More interested in the waves than what? By guessing, I can figure it's more interested in playing than paying attention to it's trainer, but we can never know for sure.

So, the lesson of the day is: Don't do so well on the grammar section or Emma will nitpick you. :]

Detail/Description: Very well done visual-wise. I could really see everything, and you did a great job describing the setting as well as the characters. You had a perfect amount.

But, as I said earlier, there are more to details than just what you see. What do you feel? What is the person/thing acting like? What is the mood of the story. A lot of this can be gathered with experience. the more you write, the better and more into depth you become.

I think this is a Medium story, and therefore this story fits finely into the category, but I tend to over-analyze. Not so much because I think there should be more from the story, but that I think there could be more from you. And so if these helps you as a writer in even the smallest fraction of an amount, then I have succeeded.

Length: Well, it's advised to have at least 10,000 characters and... *Gasp* What's this? You have at least 10,000 characters.

Battle: Generic, but a perfect fit. Plenty of descriptions and two-sided-ness. It is clear that you know how to get the job done. I liked the fact that I didn't know whether or not Jolteon would be safe, especially after knowing the fate of the Luvdisc. it adds individuality from the puppies and bunnies that Pokemon stories are known for.

I'd have to say that my favorite part of the entire story had to be the final sentence. It reminded me just of a horror film; an open ending that leaves your mind wondering.

But before I trail off, I'll finish this up and say that you should try making your battles different from the rest. Instead of switching turns attacking, think of something new. There really is no format battle, you can do whatever you want.

Outcome: Perfect category fit. Carvanha captured! Keep it up.

When life gives you lemans...

?
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  #3  
Old 08-22-2008, 11:05 PM
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Default Re: Day on the Beach (Summer Story Comp unless I'm not too late, which I probably am

Yay, I got a killer-fish. :D


Thanks for the grade. The intro was a long cause the story was supposed to be longer. I'll work on differentiating my battle style and getting the right mood for my stories in the future.
__________________
My VPP

Done: 8680

I don't ref forum battles/1v1s. Don't PM me to ref, IM me instead.
I need to have basic battles.

I grade week old stories that are Hard rank or lower. :)


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