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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 03-31-2009, 10:01 PM
Ajarr Offline
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Default The Cottonweed Menace

The Cottonweed Menace

1st URPG Story
Pokemon Wanted: Hoppip
Characters Needed: 5 - 10k
Characters: 5794

Chris Cloverfield, an experienced Pokemon Trainer, walked alongside his Pokemon companion Luxray. Trees covered almost every inch of the area or so it seemed. Light shined through the leaves illuminating small spots in the Eterna Forest. After twenty minutes of walking around in this forest haven, Chris wanted to get out of it as quickly as possible so he started to run with his Luxray leaping forward and running at a faster pace.

"Slow down Luxray, I'm not a electric wolf thing like you!" Chris yelled from afar as he tried to keep up with his Luxray.

Chris looked up ahead to see that they were almost out of the forest. As soon as he saw this he let out a sign of relief and stopped running. He could see his Luxray walking back towards Chris to see if he was alright.

"We're finally out of that forest hell. Now I think Floraroma Town is just up ahead so we can rest there for the day before setting off again. Sound like a good idea?"

"Lux-ray..." Luxray responded.

"Alright, let's...."

"RUUUNNNN!!"

Chris, stunned by the yell, looked over towards the Valley Windworks to see what was going on. Three men dressed in bronze colored clothing and wearing yellow helmets ran as fast as they could with small white cotton spores following them.

"What's going on?!" Chris asked.

"It's that darn Hoppip spreading spores everywhere using the Windowork's windmills!" one of the three men replied as they ran past Chris and Luxray into a nearby home near Eterna Forest.

"We got to get to Floraroma Town, but first we need to deal with this problem. You ready Luxray?"

"Lux!" Luxray replied in a strong tone.

"Good, then let's go." Chris and his Luxray charged forward through the cotton spores. Chris held up his right arm to block the spores from hitting his face while Luxray used it's tail to knock them away. After a few minutes of running both Chris and Luxray reached a small bridge that would lead to the Valley Windworks. "Ok, the windworks should be over there so where's that Pokemon at?"

After crossing the small wooden bridge, Chris and Luxray took the left path leading towards the Valley Windworks. A large building was in the midst with windmills lining on the sides of cliffs near it. There were even more cotton spores around the building than near Eterna Forest which became a problem for Chris and Luxray.

"I know what to do here..." Chris took a Pokeball from his backpack and tossed it into the air. A small red monkey like creature was released from the Pokeball. "Chimchar, I want you to use Flamethrower to burn these spores!" Chimchar obeyed and opened his mouth as a large inferno of fire shot out of it burning almost all of the spores around the Valley Windworks. "Good job Chimchar, now where's that Pokemon?"

As Chris took a look around the large white windmills he noticed a small pink dot from far away. The dot seemed to be jumping up and down very high.

"That must be it. Let's go get it guys." Chris commanded. Luxray and Chimchar nodded their heads and followed their master towards the large cliffs. "Now how do we climb these things?" Chris questioned as he examined the rocks. While he examined the rocks, Chimchar leaped into the air and began to climb the sheer cliff. "Show off.."

Chris pulled out a Pokeball and returned Luxray to it's respective Pokeball and began to climb the cliff. When Chris reached the top of the cliff he could see Chimchar in the distance staring off at something.

"Hey Chimchar what're you...." Chris looked up ahead to see the small pink dot. It was actually a Pokemon, it was actually Hoppip. "So you're the one spreading cotton spores everywhere eh? Well it ends now."

The Wild Hoppip only jumped around in a jolly attitude as it spread even more spores with each jump.

"It's not going to listen so we're going to catch it. Chimchar, use Flamethrower!" Chimchar released a large line of fire towards Hoppip who was hopping everywhere. It dodged the attack by bouncing high up into the air. "Use another Flamethrower!" Chris commanded, now frustrated.

Chimchar released another line of fire and it still didn't connect with Hoppip who was now floating through the air. It noticed the fire and spit out small seeds that hit Chimchar. The seeds burst open and vines wrapped around Chimchar.

"Ugh.. not Leech Seed. Try to burn your way through it Chimchar!" Chimchar couldn't move and energy was drained away from the small monkey. "Come on Chimchar! Get up!!"

Hoppip began to descend to where Chimchar was. Chimchar noticed this and attempted to move, but it was too hard. Chimchar did what Chris told him to do and try to burn off the vines, but it wasn't possible for Chimchar who was slowly losing heath. Hoppip landed atop of Chimchar with spores forming in it's mouth. Chris quickly threw out a Pokeball and Luxray was released.

Luxray charged into the side of Hoppip and knocked it far away. Luxray helped Chimchar tear off the annoying vines as Hoppip got back onto it's small feet.

"I guess the only way to win is with physical attacks so Luxray, use Thunder Fang and Chimchar use Flame Wheel!" Luxray's fangs sparked and had electricity swirling around them as Chimchar spun like a wheel with fire covering every inch of it's body. Hoppip hopped high into the air attempting to dodge the two attacks.

At this moment Chris noticed the large windmills nearby and came up with a plan.

"Chimchar, Luxray! Use the Windmills to attack Hoppip!" Luxray obeyed as it ran up the side of the large windmill while Chimchar rolled up it. Both leaped from the side and hit Hoppip with their attacks which caused to fall to the ground a few feet away from Chris. Chris took an empty Pokeball and threw it at the injured Hoppip. The Pokeball opened and Hoppip was sent inside of it. The Pokeball shook left and right with the center button glowing red...
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  #2  
Old 04-01-2009, 03:07 AM
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Default Re: The Cottonweed Menace *READY TO BE GRADED*

Hmm, this looks pretty cool.

Plot: Pretty common for most beginning writers. However, you actually provided with a reason for battling the Hoppip apart from merely wanting to capture it, so I guess for your first story, this isn't too bad. For next time, you might want to go for a more original and unique plot. The more unpredictable it is, the better. Just don't make your plot a whole load of random things, and you should be fine. Anyways, Pass.

Introduction: You told us the main characters and a little bit about him, then launched into the story. That's pretty good for a start, but what I think could've been done better was describing your main characters. You got us introduced to the setting pretty well, but we have no idea what your main characters (Chris and Luxray) look like. You might argue that anybody on a Pokemon forum should know what a Luxray looks like, but perhaps they're one of the 'old school' guys that only know about Kanto/Johto Pokemon and none of the newer ones. Then, they would have to know what Luxray looks like.

There was one more thing that bothered me. Why exactly did Chris want to get out of the forest? There are more than a few likely reasons, and I want to know, as does the reader, most likely. You do not want to leave the reader intrigued unless you want them to for the purpose of suspense, which is unlikely in this case. Try to fix that for me, sound good? I think you deserve a Borderline Pass here, seeing this is your first attempt at a story.

Length: Pass.

Grammar: This wasn't that bad, to be honest. :o Just a few errors that could be easily fixed.

Quote:
Luxray helped Chimchar tear off the annoying vines as Hoppip got back onto it's small feet.
This was your most common mistake. You had a tendancy to put 'it's' instead of 'its' in many places. Here's what you need to remember to get this right:

'its':

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dictionary.com View Post
1. the possessive form of it (used as an attributive adjective): The book has lost its jacket. I'm sorry about its being so late.
'it's':

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dictionary.com View Post
1. contraction of it is: It's starting to rain.
Quote:
The wild Hoppip only jumped around in a jolly attitude as it spread even more spores with each jump.
Yeah, you don't need to capitalize 'wild' since it isn't a proper noun or at the beginning of a sentence. Proper nouns are the names of things like people, places, or other objects, and need to be capitalized. This happened elsewhere too, I just can't find that other place. x_x

Quote:
It's that darn Hoppip spreading spores everywhere using the Windwork's windmills!
Probably just a typo, since you spelled it correctly in other places.

Since you did better than I expected, so you deserve a Pass.

Description: Ugh, not really there for your characters. I had no idea what your human characters look like, and if I was a newbie to Pokemon, I wouldn't know about your Pokemon characters either. You have to describe your characters so we can imagine them in our heads. Your setting was described pretty well, so try using the same method for describing your characters. Then, I think you should be pretty fine off in description-wise. I think I can give you a Borderline Fail here, since the descriptions of characters are the most important ones (though you should describe EVERYTHING).

Battle: Pretty long for a story of this length, and climatic. You also used the terrain to your advantage. You also made it two-sided for a two-on-one, something most new authors wouldn't have done. Your attacks were also described pretty well. This is evidently a show of your skill, and I think this was your best section. Pass without a doubt.

Outcome: In a lot of sections, you exceeded expectations. Some could be improved for next time, but I'm feeling good about saying Hoppip Captured! Use the advice I gave you, and combined with your natural skill you should be able to pass most stories you write.
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  #3  
Old 04-01-2009, 08:55 PM
Ajarr Offline
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Default Re: The Cottonweed Menace

Ok, I'll try to fix up on those errors. This was kind of a rush to be honest, but thanks.
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