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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 04-06-2009, 12:52 AM
Just Leo Offline
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: sure.like.i'd.tell.you.
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Default An Underwater Attack!

An Underwater Attack

Pokemon After: Magikarp
Character Goal: 3-5k
Total Characters: 6k even. =D
Status: Ready for Grading.
I couldn’t hear anything; the world around me was completely silent. I opened my eyes to nothing but darkness. My surroundings, though simple, overwhelmed me; I’ve never seen so much… nothing. It was too much for my mind to comprehend, so I took matters into my own hands. I clenched my small, red paws and clenched my eyes shut again. My cheeks were marked with a red circle encasing a cross the color of my fur; cream. Small sparks came out at first, swimming around in the water that intensified them.

The strands of light encouraged me, a made more, finally having a small irregular shape of illumination. This, not to my knowledge at the time, was a bad thing. The Pokemon that had pulled me under the water now knew where I was.

The red fish was out of my range of sight, and I couldn’t see it advancing in on me fast. Its odd skeletal structure propelled it by waving in the water like a flag, increasing its speed with its white, fleshy fins. Two, long whiskers moved around aimlessly as the water rushed passed the Magikarp’s body.

The rushing sound of water was the only thing that told me what was about to happen. The impact felt like a ten ton weight banged against my back. My body arched when the scale-covered head touched, flipping me backwards and up. How did I know I was flipping upwards? Well, it was rather simple, really since I broke the surface of the large, oval-shaped bond. Splashes of different shapes of green and blue were spinning as I opened my eyes. The spinning, bright colors made me dizzy and lightheaded.

Through all of the mad spinning, I heard Leo yelling franticly. I couldn’t stop the spinning, and I eventually (it seemed like ages) fell back into the water making a large splash of water.

The cascading water fell on top of me while my head bobbed above water. I was still dizzy, and didn’t know what was going on. I knew I wasn’t close to fainting yet, but I hadn’t landed a blow on the maniac fish.

Speaking of which, it was swimming up under my bobbing body. It, apparently, flipped before hitting me with its large, white, fan-like tail. The impact felt and sounded like a crackling whip. This wasn’t as powerful as the last attack, and only moved me through the water.

I regained my posture as much as I could in water, and focused. I was losing to a Water-type! How much more disgraceful can it get? Oh, wait, it can and is because said Water-type is a Magikarp! This is just great; I’m not living up to Leo’s expectations either. He must think I’m incompetent. No, I shouldn’t think like that, get my head in the battle.

I focused hard on a way to win, and the most evil, morbid idea came to me. Though, the idea would take time, but at the same time, I felt energy surging through my body. The slight tingling feeling gave me confidence.

I turned around, and dived underwater after gasping in a large portion of air. I swam, kicking and paddling my small limbs, down. I didn’t know where the Magikarp was, but I needed to keep moving. Staying in one spot wouldn’t help me.

I then stopped and spun around, the sound of rushing water indicating the advancing Pokemon. It was once again coming at me at full speed. Perfect.

I took the time to Charge my body of electrical energy. Small sparks slithered through the water around me as I set up my trap. The Magikarp continued to swim closer to me, but before impact, I moved out of the way; revealing a large web of blue electricity. The old, Chinese man-looking fish charged right through the Thunder Wave web I had made. This successfully paralyzed the fish. Unable to move, it floated to the service and moved across the water with out purpose like a dead fish.

I smirked, thinking he would be a fainted fish soon enough. I swam back up to the surface; my trainer was now in a very happy state. Seeing the Magikarp almost ready for a capture he was more than ecstatic.

I climbed up on shore, shaking my cream and red fur. My bunny-like ears flopped to and fro with my body. Finally, I was not soaked, just damp. This is when I used charge again, before tensing my body, willing the sky to turn black, and large clouds accumulate over the body of water. I opened my eyes slowly, half expecting it not to have happened, but it was as I had imagined.

The sky was dark and sinister looking, and large, billowing clouds of differing shades of grey were over the lake. The next thing I did was send up all the electrical energy I had up to the cloud in a pillar of bright, yellow light. The clouds burst open and large lighting bolts shot down from every opening. The Thunder attack hit the pool of water, and shocked the whole thing, including the Magikarp that was floating on the water.

The poor fish jumped when the electricity surged through its body and engulfing it on the out side. Its face contorted, and it suspended in the air for the whole of the attack. The Thunder attack ended, and the sky cleared back to its normal, light blue and sunny forecast. The Magikarp wasn’t in such a happy state. It floated on the still sizzling water, slightly burnt, and with wild electricity jumping off of his body to the water and then back.

I smiled, and clapped my hands happily as Leo picked me up and twirled around, chanting, “We did it! We did it!” He sat me on his shoulder, praising me a little more, “You did great Artemis, now, lets try to catch this bad boy!”

Leo pulled out a small ball, black in color, with small white and gold designs over the top half. He clicked the grey button on the front, and it enlarged to fit snuggly in his hand. He lobbed the Luxury Ball into the air. It made a large arch over to the Magikarp before landing on it, and bouncing off. It opened at that moment and shot out a scarlet beam of light that was barely visible to human eyes. I, being a Pokemon, looked away from the overly intense, almost blinding light.

The light formed over the floating fish whose eyes looked at nothing, but were open. Finally, the ball sucked the creature inside, falling on the water, shaking…
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  #2  
Old 04-13-2009, 11:11 AM
-Pichu Boy-'s Avatar
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Default Re: An Underwater Attack!

No-one's claimed this in a week? :O

Then I guess 'tis my responsibility as a Grader-Pe2k Brother to say MAGIKARP CAPTURED! :D

...

Yeah, right. Expect a Grade up soon. ^^
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  #3  
Old 05-08-2009, 09:32 PM
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Default Re: An Underwater Attack!

Soon = almost a month later, because I'm just that awesome.

PLOT:

Certainly original. I liked how it was portrayed from the Pokémon’s point of view, and also that you never directly told the reader that it was a Plusle, but put that across in your description.

However, I feel I have to say that there wasn’t really a backbone to support it. It was like Leo and Plusle were just randomly at the pond and Plusle was randomly drowning. You did say that Plusle had been pulled under, but was Plusle innocently swimming before Magikarp pulled it underwater, or did Plusle dive in to try and attack straight off the bat, then get caught off guard? This helps set the scene a bit more for the reader.

Other than that, though, I was impressed here. Good job. ^^

INTRODUCTION:

You kept me in suspense, which is good. The way that you introduced Plusle as already drowning underwater was a nice addition, so you didn’t have to waste some of the story making Plusle start drowning – that would’ve probably made it too lengthy for a Magikarp, and quite boring.

An introduction is supposed to catch the reader’s attention and make them want more, so mission accomplished!

SPELLING/GRAMMAR:

I hate stories where I can’t nitpick. :(

Yeah, your grammar was good. I didn’t notice anything major. Just one thing I do want to bring up, though:

Quote:
The Thunder attack hit the pool of water, and shocked the whole thing, including the Magikarp that was floating on the water.
Using the word ‘water’ makes the sentence sound too repetitive, even if it was only repeated one time. Even something as simple as ‘floating on top’ could make it better. I’m not sure if this is just me, but it sort of makes it sound weird, in a way. But whatever xD

LENGTH:

Need I actually say? 6k for a Magikarp… overachiever :P

DETAIL/DESCRIPTION:

This was excellent, especially considering the fact that you made it so that the reader never actually got confirmation on the Pokémon that was struggling underwater, yet knew what it was from your description.

The way you described the moves was high-quality too. Describing the Thunder Wave as ‘blue electricity’ instead of the regular, plain ‘yellow’ was a good bit of variety.

Not really much to say here. It was definitely good for a Magikarp, no doubt about that.

BATTLE:

Pretty much the whole story was the battle! It was good how you managed to introduce the battle so early yet not jump right into it. You also definitely kept the battle two sided and used some clever moves, such as Thunder on the pond. At some points I thought that Magikarp was going to win, but you kept me guessing throughout it. Nice job.

OUTCOME:

OMG Fail, short Grade. Sorreh D: Anywho, I can say with no regrets Magikarp Captured!

Sorry it’s taken so long! ^^; Have fun with your new fishy, though. Hope it was worth the wait.
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