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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 05-23-2009, 07:00 PM
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Rawr Offline
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Default The Underwater Ballet -[Pokeshipping PG-13]-

Cerulean Gym stages the return of "The Underwater Ballet". Our anime hero Ash is invited to the grand opening by Misty. When complications arise, what will happen? Will their bond grow stronger or break?

Read to find out!

THIS FIC IS ALSO ON SEREBII UNDER THE USERNAME: SHERVIN



Chapter 1


The lights flickered when the switch was flicked. They flashed, and stayed on. The large swimming pool in the middle of the hall shimmered in the light. The seats around the perimeter felt cold and empty. A minute passed on the large digital sports clock suspended from the high ceiling. She was alone in the hall. She sat down at the edge of the pool, submerging her bare feet into the cold, chlorinated water. She sighed and tied back her mid-length bright orange hair into a lopsided pigtail. She sneezed as goose bumps appeared on her bare arms and legs. Her blue denim mini shorts and her yellow vest top failed to keep her warm. Slowly, she raised her left hand and clicked her fingers. The water stirred. Waves began to lap against the side of the pool. From out of the water rose a serpent-like creature. It roared majestically, its blue and yellow scales sparkled as the drops of water ran off it. It lunged at her but stopped. She slowly rose to her feet, and vaulted onto the water dragon. Her mini shorts became damp from where she was sitting. With a squeeze of her legs, she held her breath as the massive Gyarados plunged into the pool.

During the splash, she slipped a device into her mouth that enabled her to breathe underwater. Her hands gripped the side of the pokémon tightly as its body rippled, propelling the creature along the water. A white, horned marine creature swam up to them, and offers a fin to the teen. She took hold of the strong, furred fin and they swam in a large circle, twirling as they went. In the corner of the pool, a Seaking jabbed a button with its large horn. This resulted in coloured spotlights in the floor of the pool to light up, creating a coloured light dance to accompany the marine dancer duo.

As she span, the flimsy elastic band she had used earlier in her hair loosened. Her orange hair was released and she shook her hair free of the band. With a croak, a green frog-like pokémon darted under her and fished the hair accessory out of the way of the girl, it swam to the surface and deposited the band on the edge of the pool and happily croaked. In a swift movement, the green Politoed heaved itself out of the water. It frantically shook all the droplets of its smooth skin. It inhaled deeply. There was a familiar scent in the cold air. Food. Politoed clapped excitedly and ran to the large double doors connecting the main hall to the rest of the Gym.

Her orange hair surfaced first. As she was bobbing up and down, she removed her underwater breathing aid and placed it carefully on the side, next to where Politoed had put her hair band. A slightly older lady, tall and blonde, poked her head around the same doors that Politoed left through. “Misty!!!” She called out, “Dinner’s ready!” Misty coughed in reply. The blonde lady continued impatiently, “Come on, the show is in a week’s time, you’ll have plenty of time to rehearse, Tracey’s made dinner!!! Come on!”

Misty groaned as she pulled herself out of the large Gym Pool. “Do you always have to shout?!” She snapped. But her older sister had already left. Misty turned her head towards the pool and the Dewgong she had been rehearsing with poked its head above the surface of the clear water. Misty gave it a thumbs-up to signal that the rehearsal had gone well.

She then walked over to a bench in front of the first row of seats and picked up a large, fluffy towel. She wrapped it around herself and patted herself dry. With a sigh, she recalled the many memories of her journey, and her short trip to Hoenn.
“Togepi… Togetic… The S.S. Anne… Kanto… Johto… The Orange Islands… The things I have seen… The places I have been. Ritchie… Professor Oak…Casey… May… Max…Tracey… Brock… The people I have met… And how the journey started… All of it started because I met...”

Her thoughts were rudely interrupted as her sister; Daisy yelled out again, “If you’re not coming, then I’m going to eat your dinner!”

“Just give it a rest will you?!” Misty angrily replied, “Just let me finish off in here!”

After patting off the excess water on her skin, she flicked the lights off as she exited the main hall.

The plushy carpet of the hallway felt warm under her feet, unlike the cold panelling of the main battle hall. Continuing down the main hallway, she heard a cry behind her. She whirled round to take a look and saw her clumsy Psyduck waddling as fast as its short webbed feet would carry it. Misty shook her head. Psyduck was always either sleeping, or wanting food. It had never been trained for battle purposes, as Misty had never had the patience. Psyduck hastily pushed past her and took the next right turn: into the dining room. Misty hurriedly followed it.

A magnificent spread awaited her as she entered the lavishly furnished dining room. The aroma of the food wafted towards her and Misty’s stomach grumbled. After a long day of preparing for the upcoming return of The Underwater Ballet, she was starving.
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|The Underwater Ballet (Pokeshipping PG-13)|Coloured Roses (Contestshipping PG)|

Last edited by Rawr; 01-31-2010 at 08:15 PM.
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  #2  
Old 05-24-2009, 12:40 AM
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Default Re: The Underwater Ballet -[Pokeshipping PG-13]-

Yay, you got it up! ^^

I do this to everyone in order to pick out typos and other stuff. :3 Here we go:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rawr View Post
The lights flickered when the switch was flicked.
Use of repeated words isn't good. :P You could say 'clicked' instead of 'flicked'. x3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rawr View Post
A minute passed on the large digital sports clock suspended from the high ceiling. She was alone in the hall. She sat down at the edge of the pool, submerging her bare feet into the cold, chlorinated water.
When is says 'She was alone in the hall', I think you should start a new paragraph. It creates a more powerful effect. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rawr View Post
Her hands gripped the side of the pokémon tightly as its body rippled, propelling the creature along the water.
'pokemon' should have a capital 'p'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rawr View Post
A white, horned marine creature swam up to them, and offers a fin to the teen. She took hold of the strong, furred fin and they swam in a large circle, twirling as they went.
Use of 'fin' too close. You could say 'limb' or something. xD 'marine limb', then? xD
And 'offers' should be 'offered', 'cause otherwise it's switching tenses.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rawr View Post
This resulted in coloured spotlights in the floor of the pool to light up, creating a coloured light dance to accompany the marine dancer duo.
'coloured light dance'....doesn't seem right to me. Also, 'dance' and 'coloured' are used twice. You could say: 'creating multicoloured lights to prance about, accompanying the marine dancing duo' or something. The 'dancer' seemed better as 'dancing'...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rawr View Post
Her orange hair was released and she shook her hair free of the band.
Use of 'hair' twice in the same sentence. It was in the previous sentence, but it should be there. The second 'her hair' would be better as 'it'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rawr View Post
It frantically shook all the droplets of its smooth skin. It inhaled deeply. There was a familiar scent in the cold air. Food. Politoed clapped excitedly and ran to the large double doors connecting the main hall to the rest of the Gym.
'frantically' is a great word, but it creates the effect that they're scared. Also, I think 'Food' should be a new paragraph--again to create that drawing in effect.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rawr View Post
“Come on, the show is in a week’s time, you’ll have plenty of time to rehearse, Tracey’s made dinner!!! Come on!”
That second comma, after 'time', would be better off as a double hyphen. The one after 'rehearse' should be a period (because it's not a continuing sentence, and it could easily be the end).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rawr View Post
Misty groaned as she pulled herself out of the large Gym Pool.
I don't know if 'Pool' needs a capital 'p'. You can if you want, but I would deem it not necessary.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rawr View Post
She wrapped it around herself and patted herself dry.
'herself' twice. I would change that first 'herself' to 'her body'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rawr View Post
Her thoughts were rudely interrupted as her sister; Daisy yelled out again,
That shouldn't be a semicolon. It should be a comma, and then another comma needs to place itself after 'Daisy'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rawr View Post
The aroma of the food wafted towards her and Misty’s stomach grumbled.
I would make 'her' into 'Misty', and 'Misty's' into 'her'.

Anyways, great first chapter! I love your descriptiveness. You're not rushing through it, you're explaining everything clearly, and I was into it the whole time! :D

I would advise that you space out the paragraphs more so that it's easier to read (and it makes it look like you've written more! xD).

You should probably make the chapters about double that length, as that is a very good chapter size. I think a little bit of comma revision could do you some good--most of the comma in Daisy's speech when she calls out to Misty should've been other things. :3

Anyways, I'd love to read more! :D Keep it up.

~Xanthe.
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Last edited by Graceful_Suicune; 05-24-2009 at 12:44 AM.
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  #3  
Old 05-25-2009, 08:30 PM
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Default Re: The Underwater Ballet -[Pokeshipping PG-13]-

Haha! Many Thanks, that was a very detailed review so I'll know what to work on! I'll have Chapter two up as soon as possible.
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  #4  
Old 05-25-2009, 08:43 PM
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Default Re: The Underwater Ballet -[Pokeshipping PG-13]-

Coolio. Seems interestin', so I'll keep an eye on this when I can! *stamp of approval*
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  #5  
Old 05-26-2009, 01:49 AM
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Default Re: The Underwater Ballet -[Pokeshipping PG-13]-

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rawr View Post
Haha! Many Thanks, that was a very detailed review so I'll know what to work on! I'll have Chapter two up as soon as possible.
No worries. ^^ You'll find that I comment on people's stories specifically like that. xD It's how I'd like people to do it with me, so I figure that it works with other people, too. ^^

Okay! :D I'll be looking forward to reading it. :3

~Xanthe.
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  #6  
Old 12-26-2009, 12:32 PM
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Default Re: The Underwater Ballet -[Pokeshipping PG-13]-

Sorry I've been away for so long! I had completely forgotten about this... I will endeavour to write Chapter 2 before the end of the year so stay tuned!
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  #7  
Old 12-26-2009, 04:26 PM
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Default Re: The Underwater Ballet -[Pokeshipping PG-13]-

Chapter 2


The surrounding forest seemed to sleepily awaken as it bounded through the low shrubs, followed by a human. Two tiny purple rat-like Pokémon poked their heads out inquisitively from beneath a bush to watch the passer-bys.

Its yellow fur crackled as it skidded to a halt. At the command of its nearby Trainer, the red cheeks on the small being sparkled. The earth around it got ripped open as the creature discharged blinding bolts of electricity. It scanned the area… looking for something.

The human panted and adjusted his signature red baseball cap. He shivered and pulled his baby blue jacket around him. Brushing the mud off his gloves, he sighed, tilting his head to look up at the night sky.

A mocking laughter resonated through the forest and a black bird-Pokémon flapped its wings hastily, anxious to get away with its prize: An unopened silver envelope gripped tightly in its sharp talons.

Before the yellow beast could loose another lightning flash, the bird vanished into the trees, cackling to itself.

“Let’s go home.” He despondently said to his Pokémon. He paused while the Pikachu leapt onto its shoulder and adjusted into a comfortable position.

Together, they set off for their hometown, the place where it all began: Pallet Town.


--


Meanwhile, in the Cerulean Gym, Misty retired to her room after a sumptuous dinner. She stepped into the carpeted room and shut the brown wooden door. The red fibres of the carpet hugged her feet as she walked over to a simple white desk. It was cluttered with many pens and books.

After clearing a space, she sat down on a black swivel chair and opened a drawer to the left of her and pulled out some white lined paper. Misty chewed the end of her pen while she was thinking; a habit she developed as a child. After a few silent minutes, Misty started writing, careful not to smudge the neat handwriting.

As she was hard at work, a mischievous Azurill entered the room via a small flap in the wooden door. Misty jumped slightly as the pale flap slapped loudly against the door. She smiled as she watched the baby Pokémon clamber clumsily onto her bed. The wooden frame creaked slightly as the blue Pokémon struggled to get on, and the sheets became creased as it jumped playfully on the mattress. Misty soon returned to being engrossed in her writing as the Azurill continued playing noisily.

She checked the letter when she finished, scanning for any clumsy black smears caused by her left-handedness and found none. Carefully, she folded the paper in half lengthwise, and then again. She fished out a silver envelope from the drawer. Misty slipped the letter in, sealed it, and printed a name on the front of it.

She repeated this a few more times before succumbing to fatigue. As the Gym Leader of Cerulean City, she had a battle scheduled for the next day. Misty unclipped a miniature red and white ball from her belt and pressed the button in the middle. The ball enlarged and she pointed it at her Azurill. A red glow encased her snoozing Pokémon and it was returned to its pokéball.


--


The next day, while the battle judge briefed the challenger on the rules of Gym battles, Misty fidgeted nervously, crossing her legs, then uncrossing them. It was never easy defending the honour of Cerulean City. She bit her lip anxiously and tied up her hair in a ponytail with a green hair band.
Walking the length of the pool, she developed a strategy in her head. She studied her challenger. He was tall and tanned. His messy green hair was held back with a red bandana. His orange t-shirt and blue denim jeans looked new: An indication that he was a novice trainer.

At last Misty was ready. She pulled up the hood on her black waterproof jacket and reached for a pokéball, clipped to the back of her mini shorts. Her worn red and white sneakers squeaked as she took a step forward and hurled the ball towards the pool. Her opponent also tossed a pokéball. The battle had begun.

The digital sports clock in the Gym began counting down. A small blue seahorse emerged from Misty’s pokéball with a soft cry. It flapped its fins in the water, waiting for its Trainer’s command.

The other trainer’s Pokémon’s wings kept it hovering in the air. Its red insect eyes scanned the area and its antennae twitched. Misty chuckled to herself as she recalled her first Gym battle.

“You first!” She called out politely.
“Awright! Butterfree, Silver Wind!” he commanded.

The insect obeyed, flapping its wings furiously. Misty clicked her fingers and her Horsea dove underwater, avoiding the attack. The boy seemed shocked at the discipline of the Pokémon. A few seconds passed on the digital clock.

A steady stream of bubbles suddenly emerged from the surface of the water, knocking into the flying Pokémon. The bubbles popped viciously as they touched the black body of the Butterfree and it winced in pain and darted out of the firing line. The two trainers called out to their Pokémon; more instructions.

As Horsea poked its head out of the surface, the Butterfree slammed into it ferociously. A spray of water droplets rose into the air during the impact. They shimmered in the fluorescent lights. Horsea seemed unfazed as a rainbow beam was ejected from its snout. Unlike the first attack, it missed and hit one of the hanging lights. A layer of thin ice coated it as a result.

The sea horse took several more hits from the speedy Butterfree before it was pushed to the edge of the pool. After a powdery orange Stun Spore hit Misty’s Horsea, it sank slowly.

Misty fidgeted with her coat as she watched… if she dives in, she forfeits the first round… but she feared for her Pokémon. She hesitated.
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Last edited by Rawr; 12-26-2009 at 11:05 PM.
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