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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 05-23-2009, 09:57 PM
Ajarr Offline
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Default Gastrodon [PG-13]


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What's up everyone and welcome to Gastrodon, a Pokemon Mystery Dungeon story. Now before I start I need to say that this is only site that this story has been posted on as of now. If I post it on another site I will make a list and put it here. Now without further ado here is the prologue! I know it's short, but it's to start things off. Constructive critisism would be nice.

Prologue

Thunder roared through the sky and rain pounded the ground with force. Dark clouds rolled in giving an eerie look to the sky while the winds intensified. Two creatures stood face to face in an open field surronded by mountains and forests while this weather continued. One creature was a pink slug Pokemon with three black eyes and a brown shell, while the other was more of a human like creature with yellow and black fur as well as two cables sticking from it's back.

“This time I'll rid you for good, Astro!” yelled the yellow and black creature as it leapt forward with it's right arm jabbed out.

The Gastrodon watched the Electivire and carefully dodged his attack by leaping to his left. “Mud Bomb!” yelled Astro as he formed a large ball of hardened mud and shot it towards the unready Electivire. With an explosion, the Electivire was caught off guard and hurtled a few feet away from the force of the attack.

“You son of a.... huh?” The Electivire looked up and saw Gastrodon high in the air above himself. It looked as if the Gastrodon was going to slam into Electivire, but he had different plans. “THUNDER!!” Electivire yelled.

An enormous lightning bolt shot down from the sky and struck the Gastrodon. It's force knocked Astro hard into the ground which made it crack a little. The Electivire ran over to the injured Gastrodon and seized the opportunity. With punches, jabs, kicks, everything, the Gastrodon lay helpless to the brutal mauling.

After a while, Electivire started to use it's infamous move, Thunder Punch, instead of normal punches which caused even more damage. The rain stopped after a few minutes and the thunder had faded while the dark clouds maintained their position in the sky. The Electivire stood up and looked at what he had done. He smiled as he walked away...


"Raptor, I need you to find Astro so that we may continue with our morning briefing. Understood?" spoke a deep and husky voice. This voice belonged to a large turtle creature with a shell that has three stone tips and a tree on it.

"Understood, sir." replied a black and while colored bird Pokemon as it flew out of the large room, out of the West Region Guild, and into the wilderness.

Chapter Index
Chapter 1

Last edited by Ajarr; 05-24-2009 at 10:25 AM.
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  #2  
Old 05-23-2009, 09:57 PM
Ajarr Offline
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Default Re: Gastrodon [PG-13]

Chapter 1
On a new start

“Ugh.......” moaned a slug-like creature. The Pokemon with a brown shell, pink colored skin, and three eyes woke from his deep sleep on the grass covered ground. The sun shined high above as the cloud rolled on by. “Wh-where am I?”

The slug Pokemon picked himself up from the ground and looked around at his surrondings. Everything around him was unfamiliar which caused him to worry. The trees, the plateau, none of it seemed familiar with the Gastrodon. An entire forest spanned to the horizon on the left, mountains stood high above in the north, a plateau full of flowers was to the right while a small pond with a forest surronding it was to the south.

“When did I end up out here? Last thing I remembered was....” He stopped to think of what had happened the previous night. However nothing came into thought and left the Gastrodon clueless. “I must've hit my head or something. I think I'll be fine later on.”

The Gastrodon slithered his way down the tall hill and to the east where the large beautiful plateau was. He was now slithering through flowers instead of grass which tickled his skin a little. While making his way through the flower landscape a figure could be seen from afar in the air. The figure appeared to have wings and was flying towards the Gastrodon's direction. As it came closer it's appearance came into view.

This bird Pokemon had black and white feathers and it had a feather curled up on it's head. This bird Pokemon was the species known as Staravia.

“Astro! Astro!!” the bird Pokemon yelled. It landed onto the flower covered ground before the Gastrodon. “Where have you been? Ironhide is starting to worry.”

Astro the Gastrodon looked at the bird Pokemon with confusion. He didn't know who the Staravia was nor did he know who Ironhide was. Sorting out the words in his head, Astro gulped and replied back.

“W-who are you?...” Astro asked hoping that the Staravia wouldn't become angry.

“Who am I?! Are you insane Astro? I'm Raptor! I think you hit your head against a tree or something.” Raptor immediately yelled.

“Ok ok! I'm sorry. It's just that I can't remember anything that happened last night or the days before.” Astro said in a more calmer voice.

“Well once we get back to the guild everything will come back to you.” Raptor encouraged. Astro was now even more confused than before. He doesn't remember being any part of any guild when he has actually been part of the West Region Guild for three years. “This way.” Raptor said directing Astro towards the West Region Guild.

Raptor the Staravia flew the opposite direction towards the small pond and the adjacent forest while Astro followed on the ground. Day turned into night as both the Staravia and Gastrodon made their way through the seemingly endless forest area that expanded to the horizon. Within a matter of hours Astro and Raptor arrived at a large open area where a large cliff joined out of a mountain with a neighboring town.

“Here we are. Now doesn't this place seem familiar to you?” Raptor questioned. Astro looked at the large cliff, the mountain, and as well as the town but none of it came clear to him.

“No.... I don't remember any of this..” Astro replied in a depressed tone.

“Something bad had to happened to you to cause this. Maybe Guildmaster Terra or Richard will know what to do. Come on, we have to get to the bottom of this.” Raptor flew out towards the top of the cliff while Astro slitherred his way slowly up the mountain as he tried to recollect memories of the West Region Guild. At the top of the cliff Astro arrived to see that Raptor was waiting for him at the entrace.

A large white marble building stood before them with two totem poles standing on each side. Two black lanturns stood on each side with a small flame burning inside of them. The building was tall and cemented into the side of the mountain. A wooden crate was a few feet above the large black metal door. Before Astro and Raptor could approach the metal door they were stopped by the voice of a Pokemon.

“Halt! Standby for identification!!” yelled the small Hoothoot who stood behind the wooden crate. This alarmed Astro and made him jump off the ground.

“What was that?!” Astro said in a nervous tone.

“That was Watcher, our guard of the guild. He ensures that no intruders or criminals and what not pass through or invade our guild. He's a very good Pokemon to have around and he's friendly, just not when he's well you know, guarding.” Raptor informed.

The small brown owl Pokemon with blood red eyes and one leg hopped his way back to the wooden crate. He looked at both Astro and Raptor and nodded his head.

“You two may enter...” Watcher said while pulling on a silver colored lever.

The large metal door rose from the rocky ground and revealed a narrow path with lights lining the pathway. Astro and Raptor proceeded and entered through the entrance and into the West Region Guild. It became much colder when the large black metal door closed after Astro and Raptor were already inside. The pathway soon ended and they entered a large open room with walls made of white stone and marble.

The room was filled with many different species of Pokemon that stared at both Astro and Raptor when they entered the room. Some of the Pokemon ranged from a large turtle creature with a shell that has three stone tips and a tree on it as well as a small red lizard with a burning flame on the end of it's tail.

“Ah it's good to see you Astro. We we're about to inform the police agency about you.” the large green turtle spoke in a deep and husky voice.

Astro's eyes widened about the size of a baseball. “The police?! What did I ever do to you? I don't even know who you are!”

“Hmm? Oh course you do. I'm Terra, Guildmaster Terra.... what happened to you?” Terra moved slowly towards Astro to examine the large scars on the side of Astro's body. Astro became a little nervous when the large creature approached him, but stood still so his Guildmaster could look at his wounds. “You've been in one fierce battle I can tell...”

“He'll need to be treated on as soon as possible or it could prove to be hazardous.” A Kadabra walked into the large room with Astro and the others through another door way on the other side of the room.

“Richard? Back from the text exams so soon?” Terra said, turning to Richard the Kadabra.

“All of the text examinees ran out like little Igglybuffs and decided to take it next month. I can almost guarantee the same thing will happen again in due time.” Richard replied while walking over to Astro. “What kind of trouble did you get into now Astro?”

“Umm Richard... Astro doesn't really know. Actually he doesn't know anything right now.” Raptor started.

“What do you mean?” Richard questioned with concern.

“He doesn't know anybody at the guild or who he is. Can you help him out?” asked Raptor.

Richard looked back at Raptor with a serious face and shook his head. “There's not much I can do. There is a case of amnesia and internal bleeding. The bleeding can be taken care of, but the amnesia is another thing. Astro may have to regain all of his memories piece by piece and if there's anyone who should help Astro out it should be Flare, I mean he is Astro's partner after all!”

The red lizard creature heard his name mention and walked over to the group of Pokemon to join the discussion. “What's going on over here?” the Charmander asked, wondering why they mentioned his name.

“You need to help Astro regain his senses and take him to the nearby hospital in Variety town.” Terra exlaimed.

“Wow Astro, you sure have got yourself in trouble this time but we'll take care of it. Let's go.” The Charmander walked into the narrow pathway that both Astro and Raptor entered through. Astro followed Flare hoping that everything will be sorted out soon.
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  #3  
Old 05-24-2009, 12:25 AM
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Graceful_Suicune Offline
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Default Re: Gastrodon [PG-13]

You were planning a fan fic?! xD I must read it!

...And correct it. xD

[QUOTE=Ajarr;2766923]Dark clouds rolled in giving an eerie look to the sky while the winds intensified.

A comma needs to slip itself between 'in' and 'giving'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
Two creatures stood face to face in an open field surronded my mountains and forests while this weather continued.
Should be 'surrounded', and 'by'. xD I think that the 'while this weather continued' is not needed. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
One creature was a pink slug Pokemon with three black eyes and a brown shell while the other was more of a human like creature with yellow and black fur as well as two cables sticking from it's back.
Comma after 'shell'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
“This time I'll rid you for good Astro!”
You need, in this kinda situation, to but a comma before the names.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
The Gastrodon watched the Electivire carefully dodged the attack by leaping to his left.
Wait...what? Did he dodge? Because the sentence says that the Electivire dodged...his own attack. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
With an explosion, the Electivire was caught off guard and hurtled a few away from the force of the attack.
I think you need a measurement between 'few' and 'away'. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
An enormous lightning bolt shot down from the sky and struck Gastrodon.
I thought his name was Astro...? I'd write 'the Gastrodon'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
It's force knocked Gastrodon hard into the ground which made it crack a little.
That should be 'its'. The only time you need to have an apostrophe with 'it' is when it's abbreviated from 'it is'. Strangely enough, you don't put one when 'it' is possessive. :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
The Electivire ran over to the injured Gsatrodon and took opportunity of the moment.
Typo! xD Should be 'Gastrodon'. And 'took opportunity' doesn't seem right...maybe 'took advantage' or 'seized the opportunity'?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
With punches, jabs, kicks, everything, the Gastrodon layed helpless to the brutal mauling.
Should be 'lay'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
After a while Electivire started to use it's infamous move, Thunder Punch, instead of normal punches which caused even more damage.
I'd put a comma after 'while'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
The Electivire stood up and looked at what he had done and smiled as he walked away...
I would finish the sentence after 'done'. Then 'He smiled as he walked away...'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
"Understood sir." replied a black and while colored bird Pokemon as it flew out of the large room, out of the West Region Guild, and into the wildnerness.
There should be a comma before 'sir', because, like I said earlier, a lot of cases before saying names you have to put a comma.
Should be 'wilderness'.

(Chapter one:)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
The sun shined high above as the cloud rolled on by.
I didn't even know that 'shined' was a word. xD I would put 'shone', but Word doesn't say 'shined' is wrong...hmm... Oh well. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
However nothing came into thought and left the Gastrodon clueless.
Should be a comma after 'however'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
While making his way through the flower landscape a figure could be seen from afar in the air. The figure appeared to have wings and was flying towards the Gastrodon's direction. As it came closer it's appearance came into view.
Should be a comma after 'landscape' and 'closer'. I would put 'flying towards the Gastrodon', or 'flying in the Gastrodon's direction', not 'flying towards the Gastrodon's direction'.
Another 'it's' here that should be 'its'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
This bird Pokemon had black and white feathers and it had a feather curled up on it's head.
Another 'it's which should be 'its'. Also, the speech after this paragraph should be on the same line as this sentence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
“W-who are you?...” Astro asked hoping that the Staravia wouldn't become angry.
Need a comma after 'asked'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
“Who am I?! Are you insane Astro?
Should be a comma before 'Astro'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
“Ok ok! I'm sorry. It's just that I can't remember anything that happened last night or the days before.” Astro said in a more calmer voice.
Should be either 'OK' or 'okay'. You can't have it as 'ok'. And put a comma after the first 'ok'.
Should be 'calmer voice'. Kill off the 'more'. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
“Well once we get back to the guild everything will come back to you.” Raptor encouraged. Astro was now even more confused than before. He doesn't remember being any part of any guild when he has actually been part of the West Region Guild for three years. “This way.” Raptor said directing Astro towards the West Region Guild.
...You really hate commas, don't you??
Should be a comma after 'Well', both the 'guild's, 'when' and 'said', and you can't switch tenses like that in the next sentence. Keep it in the same tense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
Within a matter of hours Astro and Raptor arrived at a large open area where a large cliff joined out of a mountain with a neighboring town.
Should be a comma after 'hours'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
“Here we are. Now doesn't this place seem familiar to you?” Raptor questioned. Astro looked at the large cliff, the mountain, and as well as the town but none of it came clear to him.
Comma after 'town'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
Raptor flew out towards the top of the cliff while Astro slitherred his way slowly up the mountain as he tried to recollect memories of the West Region Guild.
Should be 'slithered'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
At the top of the cliff Astro arrived to see that Raptor was waiting for him at the entrace.
Comma after 'cliff', and should be 'entrance'.

Okay, I have to stop here. I'm having to quote just about every second sentence, telling you to put commas here and there. -.-
I like it so far, and I'm keen to see where it goes, but I swear I've been picking out where these commas should be for at least half an hour. xD I think, given where I said the commas should be, you can pick the rest out. xD

I'll read the rest later. ^^'

~Xanthe.
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  #4  
Old 05-24-2009, 12:33 AM
Ajarr Offline
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Default Re: Gastrodon [PG-13]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune View Post

Okay, I have to stop here. I'm having to quote just about every second sentence, telling you to put commas here and there. -.-
I like it so far, and I'm keen to see where it goes, but I swear I've been picking out where these commas should be for at least half an hour. xD I think, given where I said the commas should be, you can pick the rest out. xD

I'll read the rest later. ^^'

~Xanthe.
o.O That many errors? Wow, I had to scroll forever till I finally reached the bottom of the post lol. I'm actually used to writing in script format, and I've written stories that were actually very good in this format, so I'm not exactly used to writing like Shakespeare just yet. I'll get to them later, I gotz to go do something, somewhere, sometime..... some. (BTW, even though it says I'm online, doesn't mean I'm online. I can't log out so I'm forever trapped in the forums!)

I'm writing Chapter 2 as we speak and I'm going to get those errors later.
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Old 05-24-2009, 12:50 AM
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Default Re: Gastrodon [PG-13]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ajarr View Post
o.O That many errors? Wow, I had to scroll forever till I finally reached the bottom of the post lol. I'm actually used to writing in script format, and I've written stories that were actually very good in this format, so I'm not exactly used to writing like Shakespeare just yet. I'll get to them later, I gotz to go do something, somewhere, sometime..... some. (BTW, even though it says I'm online, doesn't mean I'm online. I can't log out so I'm forever trapped in the forums!)

I'm writing Chapter 2 as we speak and I'm going to get those errors later.
xDDDDD They weren't so much errors, but places that needed commas. x3

Shakespeare? I don't even know how to write in his style. xD

Alrighty. ;3
Really?! LOL! Well, it logs me out automatically if I stay on for too long and not do anything. :3

Okay! :D Just remember the commas so that history doesn't repeat itself. xD

~Xanthe.
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  #6  
Old 05-24-2009, 12:58 AM
Ajarr Offline
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Default Re: Gastrodon [PG-13]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune View Post


xDDDDD They weren't so much errors, but places that needed commas. x3

Shakespeare? I don't even know how to write in his style. xD

Alrighty. ;3
Really?! LOL! Well, it logs me out automatically if I stay on for too long and not do anything. :3

Okay! :D Just remember the commas so that history doesn't repeat itself. xD

~Xanthe.
Surely sure sure. Will do.
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  #7  
Old 05-25-2009, 10:17 PM
SilverCyndaquil Offline
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Default Re: Gastrodon [PG-13]

This is a really good fan-fic.But maybe you should rename it?It just say's Gastrodon.Maybe you should put Astro's Adventure or something like that.To change the title of your fan-fic, go to the title of your fan-fic and quadruple click it.Then you can change the title.But this is a really good fan-fic.Keep it up!
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