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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 06-15-2009, 03:41 PM
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Default A Trip to Eterna Forest [Ready To Grade!]

Today was the day to find a new pokemon with my friend Mike to aid me on my quest to be a pokemon master. It was 6am and the beautiful sun rose from the east side of town. As I woke up Twiggy (my Turtwig), I notice that my bike was wet because of the cold rain storm from the night before.
“Here’s a towel” my short blue eyed mother said as she gave me a red towel to whip down my set.

“I’m ready for this!” I told my self as I put Twiggy on my head.

“Do you have your gear?” Mom asked as she took out her brand new camera she had gotten for her birthday a couple of weeks ago.

“Yes Mom, I’m all ready to go!” I said with tone in my voice.

“Then why aren’t you heading off to find a pokemon?” she replied with a smile on her face.

“I’m going now, I Love you!” I told her as I got on to my ruby red bike I got for Christmas last year.

I head down the roads of my hometown Eterna city and spot my friend’s house. As I head over to my friend’s house, Mike, I can’t stop but notice his new glasses. The black framed horn rim glasses reminded me about his dad. Mike’s dad works as a bug researcher for Professor Rowan. That’s one of the real reasons that Mike wanted me to go to Eterna Forest with him was to impress his dad. I personally hate bugs.

“Hey Craggy boy!” Mike said as he slapped his skinny hand on to my back.

“You ready?” I asked as I checked out his bag.

“I was born ready for this!” Mike said as he brushed his blonde hair with his hand.

Before we head off, Mike sends out his Caterpie to sit on his head. Knowing Mike, he’s going to tell me that I’m being a copy cat by having twiggy on my head. This always happens when I and Mike hang out. For example, when I started to listen to a Metal core band called “All that remains”, he first told me that music is horrible but then 2 weeks later he has all there songs on his iPod. As we biked off for Eterna forest, I spotted 3 fishermen, one sleeping on his rod and the other two sitting there, looking into thin air. As we ride past them, one of them turns around and yells “Don’t go in the forest, its hatching season!” Hatching season? What does that have to do with going into the forest? I turn to Mike and asked him what’s bad about hatching season?

“It means it’s going to be filled with new baby pokemon and eggs!” Mike said as he pulled out his bug catching net from his bag. The net was golden yellow with silver trim.

“What’s with the net Mickey?” I asked as I start to slow down.

“You know how when things don’t go my way, I have a plain B? Well if the little guys try to run away then I can just use my net! Don’t worry; I’ll let you use it too.” Mike replied with a big smile on his face.

Mike was half right about that, you see when things don’t work out he pulls out plain B but normally, plains don’t work that well either.

After half a blazing hour of biking threw the trails, we finally make it. When I stopped and put Twiggy on the ground, he started to roll around in the dirt. I looked at Mike in confusion.

“Twiggy is a grass pokemon and seen were living in the city where there isn’t much dirt, Twiggy is just trying to relax in his own way” said Mr. Nerdy-Bug-Boy.

As we entered, you could hear the life in the forest. There were Wurmples spinning them self in silk, Pidgeys calling out to other Pidgeys and an Exeggcute singing with the wind. I haven’t been in the forest seen I was a little kid and I found an egg that later became my brother’s lunch.

As the both of us started to walk threw the forest, we both started to get hungry.

“Want to eat by this tree” I asked as I put my bag on the ground.

“Sure” Mike said as he drops to the ground.

By now I was very tired; the only walking I normally do is to school or my girl friend’s house and even then I get a drive back. As I take out my peanut butter and jelly sandwich my mother had made me the night before, I notice a Weedle slowly coming for my sandwich. I’m guessing the little guy is hungry so I give the little bugger a small piece. Mike with shocked expression on his face starts to pack up his lunch.

“Where are you going in a hurry?” I asked as I started to notice more Weedle coming.

“You shouldn’t feed a wild pokemon food!” He said as he put Caterpie in his pokeball.

“Why shouldn’t I?” I said as I shove a Weedle off my hand.

“THAT’S WHY!” Mike screamed as he ran with perspiration coming down his face.

As I turn backwards, Twiggy jumps in my white pack back in fear. There were about 1000 Beedrill flying in for the food. I pull out my pokedex to see what I should do. “Beedrill, Its best attack involves flying around at high speed, striking with poison needles, and then flying off.” I was pretty freaked out about the high speeding Beedrill about to fly in and kill me. I deiced to pick up my bag and run as fast as I could. As I was running, I threw my satisfying sandwich into the dirt in hope of losing them. Too bad that didn’t work!

“MIKE!! MIKE!!! WHERE ARE YOU!?” I yelled as the sweat dripped down my face.

“I’m over here!” Mike whisper from a hole, it looked to be 4 feet by 4 feet long and deep.

You see I could see Mike crying in fear alone in the dirt. It was rather kick him out of the hole or run for my life. I deiced to keep on running.

“I owe you one dude!” Mike yelled as I ran passed him.

By now, the Beedrill are extremely close to me to the point where they can eat me alive! Then the most wonderfulness thing ever happens. I feel drops of cold wet rain drip from the sky. The Beedrill start freaking and hid in the trees. I start to walk back to where I left Mike. As the rain pounces harder and harder, I deiced to stay under a tree until the rain had past. I let Twiggy out of my bag.

“You alright Twiggy?” I asked with a smile on my face.

“Turtwig! Turtwig!” Twiggy said jumping up and down.

“I’ll take that as an ok then” I said as I laid back on the ground ageist the tree. As the rain poured, I slowly started to fall asleep. The atmosphere felt like I was on vacation at my uncle’s cottage. The cottage was right on the lake with a beautiful view of other cottages. I used to always have to sleep in a tent outside because of the lack of room indoors. You could always hear the Poliwags singing at night. I remember this one night I was sleeping in my tent and I didn’t hear the Poliwags singing. Now I’m saying that was bad but it felt a little odd. So I went outside of my tent and could have sworn for 2 minutes saw Raikou! I told everyone the next day but no one believed me to this day.

As I wake up, I notice Mike sleeping on the other side of the tree. I notice I’ve been asleep for awhile. I look at my watch, 12PM!!! We have been a sleep for roughly 5 hours! I got up and looked around. There were trainers all over the place. As I go to grab my bag, I notice a small pink Nidoran (M) eating my ketchup chips.

“Twiggy wake up! Were battling this little guy, I’m not going to get pushed over by any more pokemon!” I said as I shock Twiggy’s little Turtwig body.

The Nidoran stared right into my eyes. Giving me a look like yea I want to start a fight. I have no clue how this battle was going to end up because of me and Twiggy’s lack of fighting experience. Nidoran starts to runs towards Twiggy with a sharp horn attack.

“Move out of the way and use razor leaf go!” I yelled to Twiggy with fear running in the back of my mind.

Twiggy (looking like he just woke up) tried to dodged the incoming attack but failed! The tiny little Nidoran was laughing a whole lot at the two of us. Twiggy slowly got up. Now it was game time! Twiggy ran towards Nidoran with anger in his steps and used razor leaf. Nidoran suddenly was struck with fear and could not move. As the razor leafs started to hit Nidoran, Nidoran was getting pumped up used focus energy.

“This is bad Twiggy; he’s getting ready use a strong attack!” I said, trying to think of a way to beat the little guy.

Nidoran turned and spited in the grass. This guy means business! Nidoran faced to Twiggy and ran at him full blast with a lethal poison Jab. Twiggy is a grass pokemon so it would be given x2 the damage from poison jab plus with the focus energy, Twiggy is toast.

“GET OUT OF THE WAY TWIGGY AND USE LEAF STORM!” I screamed waking up Mike.

As Twiggy jumped, Nidoran missed Twiggy and landed his horn into a trunk of a big old oak tree. As Nidoran was trying to get its horn out of the tree, Twiggy used a powerful leaf storm at Nidoran.

“THROW A POKEBALL CRAIG!” Mike turned and yelled at me.

I never intended on capturing Nidoran but he would make a strong member of my team. So I take a brand new pokeball and throw it at the helpless Nidoran. As the ball sucked up the Nidoran, I couldn’t look to watch the turn out. *Wiggle….Wiggle…* I swore I was going to have a epileptic seizure from the red flashing light.

“Craig turn around you ___________....” Mike screamed at me with a shocked face.


------------------
Status: COMPLETED
Target Pokémon: Nidoran (M)
Character Range: 5,000 to 10,000
Total Characters: 7101 charters (no spaces) and 8868 (with spaces)
Note: First story I've done in 2 years and I know my grammar is horrible but I'm one of thos kids with a IEP and it's kinda hard to read and wright but hopfully it's good, I did get a 88% on my essay (on romeo and juilet) .
__________________

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lord Khajmer View Post
Looks like Craig isn't the only one surfing PE2K while high as a kite.


Last edited by Gamedude; 06-15-2009 at 03:45 PM.
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  #2  
Old 06-20-2009, 03:14 PM
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Default Re: A Trip to Eterna Forest [Ready To Grade!]

This ready to grade!!!!!!!!!!
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Originally Posted by Lord Khajmer View Post
Looks like Craig isn't the only one surfing PE2K while high as a kite.

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  #3  
Old 06-22-2009, 02:42 AM
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Default Re: A Trip to Eterna Forest [Ready To Grade!]

Sorry it's a bit late. ^^;

Plot: You’ve started out with a really simple plot, just a kid going with his friend into the forest to go catch Pokémon. It’s really quite typical, and doesn’t stand out much. It’s fine for your first story, since no one expects your first to be complex, but in the future, try to come up with something a little more original. Like, maybe your character had to go to the forest because he’d lost something there, or maybe they were going to meet Mike’s dad and help with research. Anything like that would add a little spice to a story like this, so always try to expand your plots and make them more interesting.

Introduction: You gave us the barest amount of information to start out the story—that your character is going to go catch Pokémon. We don’t actually find out much about him besides, except that he has a mom, a bike, and a Turtwig. In the future, try bringing in his name a little earlier, rather than waiting to practically the end of the story. When you’re using first person point of view like this, it’s a good idea to try and include the name in the dialogue. For example, when his mom gave him a towel, she could have said, “Here’s a towel, Craig,” and bam, we know his name. Try to work in his appearance as well. A good way is using comparisons to family members. For example, when you describe Craig’s mom, compare how he looks to how she looks, and we get to know what he looks like too. Another way is simply looking in a mirror or another reflective surface.

Grammar/Spelling: There were quite a few grammar and spelling mistakes in this. I pointed out some of the big ones, but, in the future, try running your story through a spell check, like on Microsoft Word. If not, try looking one up online on Google or another search engine, and you’ll probably find one you can use. If all else fails, just ask another friend who likes Pokémon if they can help you out. There’s no penalty in asking someone else to help with proofreading!

Quote:
Today was the day to find a new pokemon with my friend Mike to aid me on my quest to be a pokemon master.
Pokémon should always be capitalized. The little dash over the E is optional, though. Mine has it because Microsoft Word puts it on for me. ^^;

Quote:
It was 6am and the beautiful sun rose from the east side of town.
When you are talking about time, it should be written as 6 am, though saying 6 in the morning is more clear and easier to remember.

Quote:
“Here’s a towel” my short blue eyed mother said as she gave me a red towel to whip down my set.
A few things with this sentence. First off, ‘whip’ should be ‘wipe’. ‘Whip’ is like Cool Whip, not wiping water off your seat. Also, when you have dialogue in quotation marks like this that does not end in an exclamation point or a question mark, you need a period or comma at the end. In this instance, you need a comma, since you go on to explain that it was your mother that said it. However, if you didn’t specify but rather implied who said it, like below:

Quote:
“Here’s a towel.” My short, blue eyed mother gave me a red towel to wipe down my seat.
… you don’t need a comma, just a period to end the sentence.

Quote:
I head down the roads of my hometown Eterna city and spot my friend’s house.
Always keep your story in the same tense, past tense. So, here, ‘head’ should be ‘headed’ and ‘spot’ should be ‘spotted’.

Quote:
You know how when things don’t go my way, I have a plain B?
‘Plain’ should be ‘plan’. You were using ‘plain’ as in ‘The open plains are home to many kinds of tall grasses.’

Quote:
Then the most wonderfulness thing ever happens.
It should just be ‘most wonderful’.

Quote:
Nidoran starts to runs towards Twiggy with a sharp horn attack.
Names of attacks should also be capitalized, so this should be ‘Horn Attack’.

Quote:
Twiggy (looking like he just woke up) tried to dodged the incoming attack but failed!
You don’t need parenthesis here. In fact, commas would work much better.

Quote:
Nidoran faced to Twiggy and ran at him full blast with a lethal poison Jab.
No ‘to’ needed here, just ‘faced’ is fine.

Length: Not bad here. In the future, keep in mind that it’s generally good to shoot for the higher range of the length for a Pokémon, but this is fine for your first story.

Detail/Description: You actually didn’t do too bad for your first time. You described people and events fairly well, and didn’t linger to get in every detail. In the future, try to pack in a bit more, though, and describe the setting a more as well. You want to try and paint a picture for your readers, so use as much description as you can while you’re starting out. To get a better idea of how to use description in stories, I also suggest reading. It can be books, or, if you prefer, you can even try reading a few URPG stories. Graded ones help a lot, because then you can read the grade as well and see what they did wrong, and possibly learn from their mistakes. =3

Battle: It was a little short, but not bad for a first story. Try to lengthen it a bit by adding in more attacks, and describing the attacks as well. A good rule of thumb for describing them is to make sure you say how the Pokémon looked as it was getting ready for the attack, how it looked during the attack, and how the opponent responded. You did a good job of using the setting, though, with the Nidoran getting his horn stuck in the tree!

Outcome: You have room for improvement, but this wasn’t a bad first story. So… Nidoran (M) Captured! Just be sure to check over your work a little more thoroughly, whether it’s with spell check or with a friend’s help, and try to throw in a little more description. You’re well on your way, though!
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  #4  
Old 06-22-2009, 02:50 AM
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Default Re: A Trip to Eterna Forest [Ready To Grade!]

Thank you soooo very much, I will hope to learn from my mistakes! You Rock!
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Originally Posted by Lord Khajmer View Post
Looks like Craig isn't the only one surfing PE2K while high as a kite.

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