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Old 06-13-2009, 12:03 AM
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diamondpearl876 Offline
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Default World Spinning Around // nwc entry // ready for grade

title // World Spinning Around
pokemon i'm going for // venonat
difficulty // medium
minimum length // 10k-20k characters
total length // 19060 characters

This is my first completed URPG story, and it is also an entry for the New Writer's Competition.

Ready for grade, too. :)

World Spinning Around

i. in the quiet, everything is part truth, part false;

We are everything to Pokémon that wish to travel through and explore these mystery dungeons that we inhabit, yet we are nothing. We are the promises that they make, yet we are the ones that they push away with all of their strength. We are the endless adrenaline flowing through them, yet we are the never ending scars that don't ever seem to want to heal.

This is the fate that was carved out for us. This is the fate we cannot control, the fate we cannot escape, no matter how hard we try, no matter how many times we wish upon stars that we have never seen and will never see-- and it is times like these where silence means everything.

ii. through these cursed eyes of mine, i see, and through these imprecated ears of mine, i hear, and i want more and yet i want less;

In this dungeon, it is clear to me that there is life and food and water and all that is needed to survive, all that is not needed to lead a fulfilling and joyful life.

In this dungeon, it is unfortunate to know that there is consuming hate and constant caution and dreadful nightmares and there is no love, no family, no friendship.

In this dungeon, all I have is my name, my desire to live, and my desire to die. I have Mayronai, a name that no one calls out, a name that no one knows me by, because I am nothing but an enemy, a threat to others-- just like everyone else. I have my desire to live, to escape this place and see the sun and the moon and others that truly know what it means to be happy. I have my desire to die for when it seems hopeless, which is all too often, and I know that rotting away is simply a privilege reserved for the dead.

iii. something is very, very wrong here;

Some say that there are explorers in the dungeon lately, and it is disheartening, but it is not unusual-- and this time, something isn't right. I know, because they say it with smiles on their faces, and they say it to others. Normally, they speak to themselves, their only companions, and normally, there are only faint smiles that are forced with what little energy they have managed throughout the long, lonely days. Their hearts don't seem to be completely frozen over anymore. They don't look as if they want to give up anymore.

It seems like there is hope, but I don't see it. I don't feel it. I don't taste it or hear it, and it is as if it doesn't exist at all.

I try to ignore it all and crawl back into the dark corner of my mind, the space between reality and fantasy.

iv. this is such a sickening joke, and i am begging you to let me suffer just as long as i need to;

The first time I witness their fateful existence in some way or another, I am apparently unconscious. I had been wandering around the dungeon aimlessly as always, staring at the timeless forest and the luscious trees and the alluring flowers that all combine only for me to think that they resemble lost dreams and future letdowns. The traps inside this place failed to pass through my mind and I had supposedly stumbled into one, and was sent flying backwards into a cold and unforgivable dungeon wall.

I wake up to another Pokémon sitting right beside me, looking away warily, cautiously, as if it is protecting something significant, something that they cherish. Despite this, I refuse to move, refuse to breathe. It is a natural reaction-- because no Pokémon trust each other here, and I firmly believe that it will attack the second that I make them acknowledge my awakening. The three cotton puffs that can be seen can easily paralyze me, and then it can fly away without a care in the world, and that would be inexcusable.

I stand up as slowly and as carefully as possible, wondering what attack I can use to send the threat away in tears, but I don't get very far at all.

"Oh?" the Jumpluff says softly as she turns around. "You're awake! Oh, they would be so relieved if they were still here right now!"

"I... Well," I start, but my voice trails off in response to this surprise. A voice directed toward me is completely foreign. A voice as cheerful as hers is even more unfamiliar, and I don't quite know what to make of it. I try to distract myself somehow, asking questions that ponder why the sky is blue, why the grass is green-- until she proceeds to tell me about the two explorers who had rescued me from what had happened, and how they had put me in a comfortable position so I could rest.

"The two of them had to leave as soon as possible," she continues, "so they asked me to watch over you, and I... agreed, I guess, and here I am. My name is... Aregimi."

"Aregimi," I repeat quietly. I say the name without difficulty, but I say nothing more. For me, this is too unreal, and I start to walk away with these tiny feet of mine. I do so without glancing back even once, without telling her my name, without properly thanking her-- because I don't know how, and I think that it is quite all right. What is wrong with being alone, anyway? Alone is the only way I have ever known, after all.

I go back to nowhere at all. I go back home.

v. maybe there's a chance for you to remove the knife that you stuck in my back and heal the following wounds;

The second time I witness their fateful existence is when they enter the dungeon after failing to make it through once.

I see them and wonder why a fire-type and a water-type Pokémon are here in the forest, which is mostly inhabited by grass-types and bug-types. More importantly, I wonder why they are together and laughing and regarding each other in a way that shows that if they make one wrong decision, everything will not be shattered in an instant, because everything will be all right in the end somehow, someway.

The small fire-type sends flames shooting straight out from his back after making sure he is a few feet away from the water-type because, oh, the fire could burn, burn, burn and leave unnecessary, everlasting scars. He does this not as a mere battle strategy, but to assure warmth to his partner. I notice this, and I cringe-- but I keep watching from a distance anyway, because this is new, this is different, and this is, dare I say, a chance.

"Suzimo, I bet you're really hungry. Am I right? But I don't see any food nearby... and I'm too exhausted to keep going right now," the water-type says tiredly. Suzimo says nothing and nods slightly. He moves his body closer to his partner, and the turtle-like creature doesn't jump back and doesn't feel threatened, much to my surprise.

"We'll find some food later. Don't worry about it, Mirumi. Just rest right now, all right? What happened earlier really wore you out, I think," Suzimo says. He lies down on the ground and I cannot tell if he is going to sleep in the middle of such a dangerous place, or if he is still awake and alert because his eyes are closed, always closed-- but always open, and I admire that from afar.

Still, I have to tell myself that this Cyndaquil, Suzimo, is an explorer. I cannot deny the fact that this Squirtle, Mirumi, is an explorer. When explorers enter a prison like this, the entire dungeon is altered. All of the floors change. The trees and the flowers and the Pokémon are no longer in the same place as they were before, and that is what causes everyone to be the way that they are-- untrustful, wary, hopeless and hopeful all at once. That is what causes for everyone to never be able to build families or friendships or a true home, because it is always destroyed the minute that it is created.

Still, I also have to tell myself that they aren't attacking every Pokémon in sight and they aren't stealing all of our food and all of our items like previous explorers, and so, I cannot bring myself to care much.

And when they decide to get up and keep on moving forward, I decide to follow them, even though I know they will disappear the second that they find the path that leads to the second floor. It is not like I have anywhere else to be or anyone else to see, anyway.

And I realize that this is the first time that I finally accept their existence.

vi. and if this happens, the heart i have never possessed before now will break and fall to the floor;

Somehow, time seems to move, and for once, I notice it. I notice it with every beat of my heart, with every breath I take, with every movement made and every word spoken by those two explorers that I follow. And as I make my way through the first floor of the dungeon with and without them at the same time, I observe and see that they don't like to fight unless absolutely necessary. I observe that unity is their most powerful weapon, that their most prized possessions include each other.

Because fate is so cruel, however, all good things like this must come to an end-- or, at least, they must come to an obstacle in the road to put everything to the test. Eventually, a challenger approaches. An Ariados dares to interrupt the rare peace, dares to ruin what I have been waiting for all of my life.

"Mirumi," I hear Suzimo whine, his voice cracking. He sighs, then continues, "What are we supposed to do? I know I could defeat the Ariados, but I--"

"I know. I... know," Mirumi interrupts-- harshly at first, and then her voice drops to a mere whisper, which is soon replaced with a determined, yet drained look that appears on her face as she steps in front of Suzimo. Ariados only chuckles softly, and I can only move behind a nearby tree and watch them in the clearing that they are in, the clearing with nothing but grass moving with the wind, the clearing with no intruding echoes for help, no contributing cries of worry and I cannot help but wonder if it is the end because the end has nothing, nothing, nothing-- and I would know that, and I don't want to know that, but I do and I cannot do much about it right now so I suppose the only thing to do is to put it to good use and--

Ariados moves forward suddenly, his dark eyes never looking away from Mirumi's maroon ones-- and it is an act of intimidation, surely, and I want to say that as a warning, but it is already too late as Mirumi falters slightly and takes a step backward. I scold myself quickly, silently, and I tell myself to apologize later, because they deserve it, really. I start to tremble in a way I never have before as Ariados begins to spin a string from his mouth, as he begins to send it whirling toward the innocent water-type. Mirumi does not move, and I know that it is because of the Pokémon positioned behind her. Instead, she uses her small, blue arms to cover her face, and allows for the strings to wrap around her body and her shell, her protection.

"Mirumi," I hear Suzimo say, but he does not move, cannot move-- and I start to believe that they were not ready to continue moving through the dungeon, that they should have rested longer and perhaps I should have given them food to help cheer them up or to help encourage them on this merciless journey of theirs or something, anything, but--

Mirumi suddenly cries out in pain as the web that Ariados created begins to tighten, and my round body shakes even more. I think of interfering, of doing something, but it has been so long since I fought a Pokémon, since I forced myself to fight for my own life, and I have never fought for the sake of another. Even if I do try to assist the explorers, what if it makes them mad at me, because they were meant to protect each other and only each other and I do not want to mess with that treasured relationship of theirs and--

Mirumi proceeds to send a spray of water in the spider's direction-- but it only comes out as nothing but foam and bubbles that hardly scratch Ariados. And by the time the weak attack is finished, Mirumi can still be seen struggling to breathe, struggling not to cry out even more in a desperate attempt to do anything at all.

"What made you think you could have this go your way? Pathetic explorer... Pathetic Squirtle," Ariados says, laughing.

And I think, if I interfere, what if I fail, despite my seemingly heroic actions? What if it all takes Mirumi and Suzimo's breaths permanently somehow? What if it makes them think that they are too weak and pitiful to continue being the team that they are? What if it makes them question moments that cannot see? What if it makes them question how they can let everything they know go away forever and ever?

Part of me must not know, while another part of me must just not care-- because I find myself using my stubby feet to run into the clearing more swiftly than I can think. I find myself using my diminutive but powerful pincers to cut through the string that Ariados had made, and I find myself simply staring as Mirumi falls to the ground with the web still immobilizing her, as Suzimo rushes up to his partner as quickly as his weary self can.

I find myself unable to breathe. It is as if it is not even allowed anymore.
- x - urpg - x -

- x - banner/avi made by lunar latias - x -

Last edited by diamondpearl876; 06-27-2009 at 02:07 AM.
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Old 06-13-2009, 12:05 AM
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diamondpearl876 Offline
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Posts: 282
Default Re: World Spinning Around // nwc entry // ready for grade

vii. blood runs colder, colder, colder, warmer;

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Ariados asks grimly. "Are you insane? They're explorers! And you... you should know what they mean to us, to everyone in this dungeon!"

I direct my gaze toward the spider-like creature with my crimson eyes, and I am not entirely sure how to respond-- partly because I know he is right, and partly because it has been days, maybe weeks or months, since I last spoke with a coherent voice to another Pokémon.

"I... I don't really care," I finally manage to say, and I am surprised more than anything by how unfamiliar my own voice sounds to me.

"That's not a very good explanation. Honestly."

"Yes, well--"

I am quickly cut off when Ariados sends more string flying toward me. I jump to the side to avoid the same sticky situation that Mirumi had gotten herself into, and I get back to my feet and I try to keep my balance when I feel that I am about to fall over once again.

"A... Venonat," I hear Mirumi whisper weakly. Usually, I would cringe at the sound of my species name or my birth name-- because I do not want to be a Venonat and I no longer wish to be Mayronai, but instead, I use the two simple words as motivation and inspiration to carry on this battle.

"I don't know what's gotten into the Pokémon inside of this dungeon, but I intend to take care of it, and I suppose that I will start with you," Ariados claims. He falls back on his yellow and purple legs and grins. He jumps toward me with the same legs extended, with the same legs preparing to strike and cut through my purple fur and straight to my heart. I stand still, knowing that I cannot keep dodging attacks without being offensive as well. I prepare my Psybeam attack, which I have not done for as long as I can remember-- and I can only pray that it will be strong enough to cause the damage I want it to.

When Ariados is close enough and when he thinks that he has got me worrying for my life, I make my move and send the colorful rays spiraling toward him. I hope to see Ariados's surprised and fearful expression and I hope to see his legs recoiling backward into a protective, yet useless position, but I don't-- and a poisonous stinger comes soaring through the beams and into my body instead.

I yell out in response to the piercing pain shooting through my body, and it becomes an echo on the wind that floats around and tries to fly to the sky in search of a place where it will be heard-- but then it has no other choice but to float back down, because there has never been a sky, because there will never be a sky.

And, oh, the kind of agony that would take this purposeless life away... Isn't that what I always wanted, anyway?


But not now.

I force myself to be aware of my surroundings once more. I stand up, and I plan to ignore the stinger for the time being. It can be taken care of later-- or it can make its final move once the two explorers are safe, away from Ariados.

"Still not giving up, I see," Ariados claims. I can tell by the sound of his voice that my attack had at least some kind of effect, too, and I suppose that it is meant to be some kind of comfort, but it doesn't work.

"Can't you just... leave? What... is the point of this, anyway?"

"You should already know the answers to those questions," Ariados says, and I want to disagree-- because I once did, but for the moment, I don't. Slowly but surely, I take a few steps closer in order to shorten the distance between the two of us, because I want to end this, because there is no need for this duel. I use the parts of my fur that aren't damaged to send a blue powder gliding in Ariados's direction, and I can tell that he knows what it will bring him-- because he tries to scurry away, but the injuries on his legs prevent him from doing so. When the powder finally reaches Ariados and falls upon his legs and his abdomen, I can hear him mumbling something to himself, and I don't quite care enough to listen thoroughly. I care enough, however, to see his eyes switch between opening and closing, to see him fight against the sleep the powder induces.

"He's sleeping," I say when Ariados can no longer fight against it. I take a deep breath, and I turn to where the others have been since the moment I interfered.

Suzimo and Mirumi, they are simply eying me with surprise, with awe.

I don't know whether it is a curse or a blessing.

viii. do you want to know what my love is? do you want to know how my song goes? oh, please don't say no;

"Wait! Venonat, don't go yet!" Mirumi says desperately as she sees me turn to leave. I know that my job is done here, that it is time to let the shadows take over once again, but her voice makes me stop moving, makes me face her once more. She turns to Suzimo, who still lies on the ground, and I see him nod-- and I am not sure if I want to know why.

"My name... My name is Mayronai," I say in order to distract them from what ever it is they want to do. I don't want it. I don't need it, because I simply did what I felt I needed to.

"Well, Mayronai," Mirumi says, walking over to me cheerfully, "I want you to have this. It's a Pecha berry. I don't know what you're feeling right now, and I'm sorry for that. You shouldn't have had to do anything. And... I don't know if Ariados's attack was enough to poison you or not, but, just in case, I want you to have this." She extends her arms and in the palms of her hands is a light pink berry.

I know that I only have two choices: to ignore her and the berry completely and walk away, or to accept the offer gratefully first, then make my departure.

I don't want to follow through with either of those choices.

"I... Um... Mirumi? Suzimo?" I say. They are the first Pokémon that I have referred to by name, and I don't want it to be the last time.

"What is it?" Mirumi asks curiously.

"You guys are an exploration team, right?" I ask. It is a useless question, because I know the answer, but it is a start, and I hope it is not an end.

"Yeah. That's right. Why?"

"I don't want to be here anymore," I say suddenly. "Please... Take me with you. Let me go with you. Let me be a part of your exploration team."
- x - urpg - x -

- x - banner/avi made by lunar latias - x -
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Old 06-20-2009, 06:20 PM
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Default Re: World Spinning Around // nwc entry // ready for grade

Plot: … Wow. For a first story, this is really deep. You took a look into the life of a Pokémon living in a dungeon, and I have to say, bleak as it is, I like where you took it. In the games, while you’re playing, you often don’t think about those Pokémon except as enemies and prospective teammates at best, and little bits of data at worst. This look into the mind of Mayronai has really opened my eyes to a whole side of the Pokémon Mystery Dungeon games that no one really thought about. Or, at least, not that I’ve seen. The fact that they are constantly uprooted, attacked, and having their food stolen, all because of the same groups of Pokémon… Their lives are torn apart by these exploration groups. The idea is very original and interesting, especially for your first. I hope to see similar stories in the future. =3

Introduction: You gradually brought us into Mayronai’s world, his daily existence, and made it understandable from the beginning that it wasn’t good. His life was bleak, and you described his feelings beautifully. Admittedly, it was a little confusing at first, but the way you wrote it made it a good thing. You gradually explained things, revealed more and more about him slowly. Heck, we didn’t find out what kind of Pokémon Mayronai was until the end. It’s a good way of drawing in readers and keeping them interested, so I really have no problems with this.

Grammar/Spelling: You obviously checked this over thoroughly. In fact, in the whole thing, I found one tiny mistake that anyone could have made.

The traps inside this place failed to pass through my mind and I had supposedly stumbled into one, and was sent flying backward into a cold and unforgivable dungeon wall.
‘Backward’ should be ‘backwards, because your subject, Mayronai, is singular.

Aside from that, everything was perfect. Good job.

Length: Just right. It’s always good to shoot for the higher side of the range, and you bypassed it completely, which is always nice to see. Especially in a beginning writer.

Detail/Description: You did a good job of gradually describing things, slowly letting in details that built together a picture for your readers. You didn’t put a whole lot into them, but it was enough for us to get the idea nonetheless. This story was really more about describing feelings, which you did a lot of, and very well. My only suggestion for the future is to try and add a little more description of the characters. Most people may know what a Venonat and a Cyndaquil look like, but it’s still good to get into the habit of describing as best you can, just in case there is that one person out there who reads the story and goes, ‘Wait, a Squirtle? What is that?’ Otherwise, great job in this section too!

Battle: This, actually, was one of the weaker points of the story. While it was well-detailed, it was really short, only an exchange of a couple of attacks. In the future, try to drag it out a bit more, especially when you go for more difficult Pokémon. The battle is one of the most important parts of the story, and is really the climax, so you want to build it up as much as possible. Add in several varied attacks and try to use the surroundings whenever possible to make it more realistic, too. Still, your attack descriptions were good. As you add more, don’t let those slack, either!

Outcome: Aside from the battle, your story was great all the way through, and for a beginning writer, it was especially good. I really can’t see any reason not to let you have your Venonat. Venonat Captured! Make good use of it, and remember to add a little more to the battle in the future. Do that, and you’ll be getting a capture every time. ^^

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Old 06-22-2009, 09:41 AM
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Default Re: World Spinning Around // nwc entry // ready for grade

This story has been graded, folks. DE just forgot to post again, saying so, 'cuz he's a dingleberry.

Also, I'd like to clarify something in your grade, DE.
Originally Posted by Dingleberry
Originally Posted by diamondpearl876
The traps inside this place failed to pass through my mind and I had supposedly stumbled into one, and was sent flying backward into a cold and unforgivable dungeon wall.
‘Backward’ should be ‘backwards, because your subject, Mayronai, is singular.
That's not a mistake. 'Backward' and 'backwards' are interchangeable. Backward is an adjective, not a verb, so it doesn't follow verb rules like "They run" vs "He runs." And it's the same for all of those weird, directional-movement words (toward <-> towards, forward <-> forwards, etc.). The only real difference is that the 's' at the end is usually preferred in British spellings, and the other in American spellings, but... it honestly doesn't matter. If anyone tries to tell you differently, then you should just say that you like to use both, because you are an enlightened citizen of the world. ^^
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