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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 06-17-2009, 08:53 PM
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Default Enterna Forest [Ready For Grading]

[this is one of my first storys i haven't wrote in a LONG TIME! oh i don't have word so sorry about grammer and spelling i'll do my best]

"Rosy hurry up!" Jet said to his lagging Roserade. Jet is a 14 year old boy from Snowpoint city with long choppy bronze colored hair wearing blue jeans and a black shirt with a pokeball design on it. Roserade started pacing faster to catch up to Jet. The dark forest was starting to encase them with its dark arms and hands. Jet was traveling through the forest because he was going to challenge the Enterna Gym Leader Gardinia.

"This is getting a little to ominous for me, huh Rosy?" Jet said to his frieghted Roserade.

"Ro-rose Roserade" Reply Rosy stuttering a bit. They continued to walk on the matted grass path when they heard a crack and a hiss.

They both ran into the forest towards the sound to find a clearing glittering with the outside sun peering through the canopy. In the clearing they saw a little Wurmple curled up terrified and a hissing Scyther sharpening it sythes in anticipation. Just then the Scyther hissed loudly and jumped forward sycthes spreadout towards the defenceless Wurmple.

The Wurmple cried and tried scurringing away but it wasn't going to make it!

"Rose use Weather Ball!" Jet yelled as Roserade make a fire ball between it two colorful roses. The lumious fire ball hit the Scyther head on making it miss the Wurmple. Angered, it glared at Rosy and started flying towards her.

"Rosy use Toxic!" Jet said, and two brown ball hurtled towards the unexpecting Sycther. It dogded the first ball but the second one hit it directly poisoning it. The poisoned sycther fell back a big then staggered while getting up and enraged used X- Scissor. The green x sped through the air towards Rosy hitting her directly. Roserade fell back and fainted. The enraged Scyther started to fly towards Jet now wanting revenge for ruining its prey.

"Go Batty" Jet said throwing the crimson and white ball in the air and releasing the plum colored, 4 winged, bat. " Use Air Slash!" I yelled and the Crobat flapped it's four wings making ribbons of razor sharp air hitting the Scyther. The Scyther fell back and got up flying away terrified.

The Wurple still curled in the clearing got up and looked around and wobbled up to Jet purring and rubbing his legs like a house cat.

"Do you want to come travel with me Wurmple?" Sated Jet casually. The Wurmple then jumped back and started to kick it hind feet like a Taurus.

"Oh so you want to battle so i can catch you?" Jet said almost laughing. The Wurmple noddle it head.

"Well ok then, Batty use Confuse Ray" Jet demanded and the Bat release a yellow glowing ball from the tip of it four wings and it hit Wurmple directly. The Wurmple used Poison Sting but ended up tumbleing over and knocking it self out. Trying not to laugh Jet throw a pokeball at the fainted Wurmple. The Crimson ball wiggled once.......
(both by collom) (made by pikahero)

Last edited by politoed123; 06-18-2009 at 06:55 PM.
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Old 06-22-2009, 11:28 AM
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Default Re: Enterna Forest [Ready For Grading]

Oh boy... Let's see then...

Story/Plot: Boy walks in a forest, meets Pokemon, battles it. Not exciting at all. For Pokemon like Wurmple it's a perfectly working plot, but originality always helps. Even if the story is simple, try adding personal twists- like you did with Scyther attacking Wurmple. But why was the Pokemon attacking the small bug? Was it hungry, or maybe the worm had made it angry somehow? Or the Scyther was just being a bully?

Plus, with them being in a forest, it's normal to hear Pokemon cries and other noises, so how were the hiss and the crack any different from the normal noises, and why Jet instantly thought for the worse?

Why was Jet traveling Eterna Forest to go to the city? You said he wants to challenge Gardenia, but why is he on a quest to gather the gym leaders badges?

You have to try and answer as many questions might come up when reading your story, because this way the story is more interesting- and usually longer as well, not that it's very important. You want quality over quantity, true, but sometimes they go hand in hand here. That's why there's a Length section in the grade.

Anyway, the plot wasn't that cool, but it was fine for a Wurmple I guess.

Description: woah, this... well, I wasn't surprised at all. This isn't good. No other way to put it. First, for the only thing you described, your character, you made a list of his features, and that's boring. It's a very big drawback, it disinterests the reader majorly. You should try to mix his features with actions, so as not to make it so obvious that you're just forcing your view of the character on us. For example, let's pick your description:

Jet said to his lagging Roserade. Jet is a 14 year old boy from Snowpoint city with long choppy bronze colored hair wearing blue jeans and a black shirt with a pokeball design on it.
and here's my way to say what you wrote:

Jet, a fourteen year old boy from Snowpoint City, said to his lagging Roserade, his long bronze hair waving slightly as he turned to cheer the Pokemon on, his blue jeans a little dirty from the trek in the forest, and his black shirt hanging on his body, the white pokeball design clearly visible by contrast.
see the difference? By giving each characteristic a little space on its own, you can hand out more details in a much more likeable version.

This applies more in case of longer stories, true, but even the smallest story will give a bad vibe if the description isn't handled correctly.

Other than this, you didn't describe anything else. This is way bad. Despite we're on a Pokemon forum, you shoundn't forget to describe your Pokemon as well, at least giving a little intro about their physical appearence. You told us only that Crobat is a plum coloured, four winged bat, that Scyther has scythes and that Roserade has roses. Things that could be quite effectively have been guessed by their names. But where they have those scythes and roses? You never specified it. It is a common mistake, but one that has to be corrected the sooner possible. Always describe Pokemon, because they're your characters as well. You'll hurt their feeling if you don't!

Length: There's a reason they say there's strength in numbers. That is, although the length isn't important in general, the lack of it is a big deal if the quality isn't astounding. This story doesn't even reach the low border for an easiest Pokemon, something that could've been avoided easily if you focused a little more on refining your story, instead of asking for a grade.

Ugh. Ok, you warned me. Here's your prize for that.
Orangoo Empire Online Spellchecker
Spellchecknet's Online Spellchecker

With a little wit, and a search engine, you can find a bucketload of online spellcheckers. bookmark one of them, and use it to correct your mistakes. I'm not going to pinpoint all of them, it'd take too much. I'll just say that you should read your story after posting it, because this way you would've avoided most of your errors.

For example, it's Eterna Forest, Eterna Gym, not Enterna.
Eterna Gym Leader is Gardenia, not Gardinia.
It's scythe, not sythe, that's Scyther's name base, you can't go wrong if you have one in a story.

Other errors are: you always type out the numbers, for example 14 is fourteen, and 4 winged is four winged. Unless the number is something like one hundred or thousand, in which case you can use the numbers.

also, you have some problem with tenses. I saw that most of the story is in the past tense, but you used the present tense in some places. This confused me, and that's not a good thing. For example

Trying not to laugh Jet throw a pokeball at the fainted Wurmple. The Crimson ball wiggled once.......
You used the present for "throw"(whose past is "threw") then went back to use the past tense with "wiggled".

Last thing, using three periods for emphasis is good, but using more is not. It makes the story look bad in the whole if you use a lot of periods(or exclamation marks) one after the other. The reason that three periods are cool is because they make up a different grammar tool together, the ellypsis, which is used for emphasis.

Battle: Guess it should be ok, it took most of the story... but it's not ok at all. You have to keep things realistic, and quite frankly, you didn't. Confusion damage can never knock out a healthy pokemon, since the atk/def ratio is never so big to allow such damage to happen. And Weather ball draws energy from the weather, and the weather was Clear Sky, meaning a normal-type attack, not a fire-type one.

Not that it'd matter, if you actually had attacked once Wurmple. I'm sorry, but using Confuse Ray on Wurmple isn't enough for me to let you get it- at least, not with such a bad description.

Outcome: Wurmple not captured. I feel as bad as you feel, but it couldn't be helped. If I may say, add some attack on Wurmple for a borderline pass, or try to improve the story as a whole if you want me to give you a wholeheartedly pass.
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Last edited by DarkGardevoir; 06-24-2009 at 05:31 PM.
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