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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 05-30-2009, 09:07 PM
Light_Sky Offline
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Default A Taste Of Reality .:Ready For Grade:.

A kid stuck in an imaginary world. The kids name was Light. He day-dreamed too much, he never would pay attention. He only had a few friends and didn’t like being picked on. He had glossy red hair and light blue eyes. He was very smart even though he didn’t pay attention. He wanted to be more popular than the rest. Some day, he would; but not any time until he got his second Pokemon. The Pokemon he loved the most was Shellos.

Light was a student at Yew Middle School. It was filled with trees and was hid off the road. Not very many people knew about it. That’s why only 50 students went to Yew Middle School. This school was a Pokemon School and it was made out of bricks and yew trees. The school smelled like Pine trees which the students loved. This school was also a private school.

“I’ll never get use the Pine smell when I leave school,” said Will.

“Me either,” Light replied.

“I can’t believe school is ending today!” Skyler said.

Will, Light, and Skyler were a trio of friends. They always hang out together after school. Skyler had blond hair and deep green eyes. One of the smartest, most gorgeous girls in school, very formal, and pitched in softball. Will had brown hair and brown eyes he loved the color brown and was very careful. Light himself was at the top of the group who sorted things out between the two.

“Alright, student’s free time begins now!” the principal said over the announcer. Light, Skyler, and Will both looked at each other and ran out the door.

“Let’s go to the swamp!” Will exclaimed putting his right hand up.

“No, we’re going to the mall!” Skyler protested. Skyler and Will kept screaming at each other. Light’s face turned completely red.

“Quiet!” Light screamed. “We will go to the swamp since we went to your chosen spot yesterday.” Skyler and Will were both stunned. They couldn’t even react to what Light said. Light moved his hand in direction of the swamp.

To get to the swamp you had to cross very wet grass. Walking through the grass was like walking on wet needles. It was razor sharp grass able to cut open your skin. Light, Skyler, and Will didn’t even bother watching there step they just walked right through it. The grass field was spread out for a half mile. It was easy to pass it in 5 minutes. The grass was covered in dew. Not just any dew; it was a dew that made your cuts hurt ten times more than normal. This is why few people went here.

Light, Skyler, and Will were running through the grass in their school uniforms. The boy’s uniforms were blue on the t-shirt and white shorts on the bottom. Light wasn’t even paying attention he was day-dreaming.


“My feet feel horrible,” Skyler said. “It’s like knifes piercing into your skin.”

A shiver went up Will’s spine.

“Don’t talk about that please?” Will said checking his breath. The sky was partly cloudy and a temperature of seventy degrees. The swamp was very close. Only a couple meters away.

“Light, watch out!” Skyler screamed reaching her hand out. Light didn’t respond, but then he tripped over a tree root.

“What the heck?” Light said doing a flip over the tree stump. Light landed right on the grass. Light’s face turned red; tears began to come out of his eyes. “AH!!!!” Light got up with deep cuts shining. He had dew on the cuts, and to make it worse, his shirt back was covered in a deep red color; it was blood. Blood began to drip down from his back and legs. He was crying his eyes out. The pain was worse than a needle it was like 500 bullets shaped as needles hitting his back. Light started to concentrate more. Then he said “I’m okay.”

Will and Skyler started to walk behind and in front of Light. Too make sure he watched his step. Light stopped crying and bleeding he acted as if nothing happened. But his shorts were stained with blood. Light, Skyler, and Will entered the swamp.

The swamp’s air was too moist and difficult to breathe in. Every step you took your foot sunk in the ground. It has a lot of water but was very shallow. You could see everywhere you went. The swamp was barely dark or light.

Light wander aimlessly in the swamp.

“Shell!” a noise came. A blue and green Shellos pounced on Light. Light was tackled right into the water.

“Ouch,” Light said rubbing his head. The Shellos looked like it was very happy to see him.

“Aw, isn’t that cute. He likes you!” Skyler said.

“We have to go now!” Will said looking at his watch.

“Sorry, bud I have to go back to my school now,” Light said. Light got up and placed Shellos on the ground.

Light, Skyler, and Will were running as fast as they could through the knife-like grass. They were speeding towards the school. They were going to be late for the school assembly.

“Man this sucks,” Will said with a boring tone.

“We’re almost there,” Light replied, “Just a few more meters.”

“Few?” Will questioned, “We can’t even see the school!”

Light and Will kept babbling about the amount of meters until the school. Skyler didn’t care, she just listened and kept running. Suddenly Skyler heard trumpets in the distance. The assembly was starting! The trio started to run faster and faster. The school was surrounded by a fog. It was awfully cloudy. A sudden cool breeze came by and sent a chill up Lights’ spine.

***

The trio now was in front of the school. Light, Will, and Skyler ran right through the front doors of the building.

“And now the gifted Pokemon battle of the year tournament begins now!” the principal said. “And the person battling a person is… Light!” The audience began to clap and shout cheer. Will and Skyler moved there hands forward for Light to go into the room.

Light walked into the room a little embarrassed. He was blushing for all the people clapping for him. Light walked towards the stage, but apparently he wasn’t paying attention too anything around him. He tripped over a wire and fell flat on his face.

“Ow.” Light mumbled to himself. He got back up and walked up the stairs onto the battle field. Light yawned, rubbed his nose, mumbled to himself and stood ready.

The principal cleared his throat and said “Now for the Pokemon he battles is-”

A light blue Shellos hopped onto the battle field.

“Looks like we have our Pokemon!” the Principal said. “It’s Shellos!” The Principal motioned his hand towards Light. “Begin!” He yelled pointing up with finger.

“Go, Lucario!” Light shouted, “Use Metal Claw!” Light was nervous he had to make wise moves.

Lucario started to run at Shellos. The think wood boards creaking at every step Lucario made. Shellos didn’t seem to notice Lucario. Its mouth started to puff up like it was going to do a special move. It launched a bomb of mud it was Mud Bomb. Lucario already knew what to do. Lucario leaped up into the air and launched its claw into the Mud Bomb. The Bomb was a bubble that held a tremendous amount of dirt. It was a dark brown and hard to see it moving so fast. Lucario hit it smack dab in the middle of the Bomb. Lucario and I knew something was wrong. The bubble exploded like a firework in the sky. Lucario flipped backwards dodging the recoil. The whole stage was covered in mud.

Shellos now had the advantage; it could easily navigate its way through the mud quickly. Shellos then started sliding through the mud an outstanding speed. It then gave itself a boost into the air. Shellos was now airborne it was right above Lucario. Light grinned as if he had a trick up his sleeve.

“Lucario,” Light said grinning. “Use Sky Uppercut.” Light, now was figuring out a strategy in his head.

Lucario’s palm was lighting up. Shellos closed in on Lucario from the bottom. Shellos had a lot of pressure when coming down. Lucario just moved out of the way for a second. It seemed as if time had stopped when Lucario moved. Lucario bent down in a squatting position. Then Lucario jumped up heading towards Shellos. Lucario held its palm next to its leg. With a swift moment Lucario moved his palm up into Shellos stomach. Shellos was shocked by the power Lucario used. Shellos was sent sky high into the air hitting the ceiling of the auditorium. It made a huge crack in it. Shellos began to fall down again. Lucario fell back onto the stage.

A huge vibration shook the school. Everything had movement on it and couldn’t be picked up with the naked eye. Then it started to rain in the school. Light then realized that Shellos was using Rain Dance. And that the shaking was Shellos building up enough energy for Rain Dance.

“Lucario, prepare for impact!” Light shouted. “Use Bulk Up!” Light knew that Shellos was going to unleash a huge water attack.

Lucario let out a sigh and then turned red. Lucario’s face turned to a normal color again. Rain came down fast. It was as if tiny little fists hit you every second. The rain was so clear you could see right through it.

Then the rain started to go faster. It was the move “Brine”. Shellos jumped off the ceiling and started to unleash huge spears of rain towards Lucario. They hit Lucario like bullets. Lucario kept bending back from the hits. They exploded on impact pushing Lucario into the wall. Then Shellos opened its mouth and a ball of blue energy formed. Shellos shot the blue glowing ball of energy towards Lucario. Lucario was in the wall beat to a pulp. One more move could’ve finished it.

“Lucario, Protect!” Light screamed. Light pointed his figure in a sign only Lucario knew. He closed is palm in the shape of a zero. It meant use Protect only if you can’t take a hit otherwise use Payback.

Lucario shifted its feet ready to take impact. The blue ball of energy exploded into a huge wave of water. The vibration made your feet feel numb. The wave was speeding towards Lucario so fast it was almost impossible to see. Lucario charged towards the wave ready for impact. The wave crashed into Lucario. Lucario shut its right eye and took the hit. Lucario was smashed into the wall with the wave beating Lucario to a pulp. The amount of pressure was destroying the wall. Shellos landed on the stage.

“How such a small Pokemon could beat up Lucario?!” Light said. “Lucario, Payback!”

Lucario fell out of the hole in the wall. Then Lucario moved its palms together with a small space in between. A small purple white ball began to form in between its palms. Lucario charged towards Shellos; but Lucario started to go slower and slower until it was jogging slowly. Shellos slid to the side and went straight towards Lucario. Lucario got an unusual energy burst. Lucario started to dash towards Shellos head forward. Shellos jumped up to use Body Slam. Lucario jumped into Shellos with the ball of energy in Shellos’s stomach. The ball exploded; it looked like a real firework explosion. Dust surrounded the scene. Neither Lucario nor Shellos was visible. It smelled like smoke in the air. The vibrations were still in the ground.

“Lucario!” Light cried out, “Are you okay?!” Light’s face was covered in dirt. His eyes were starting to water.

Lucario fell out of the dust unharmed. Shellos fell out of the dust destroyed. There were scratch marks on Shellos with dirt covering half of its body. It had fainted!

“Lucario, you’re okay!” Light said rushing over. Light grinned at Lucario. “You did a good job.” Lucario smiled back pleased with what Light said.

“Ahem,” the Principal coughed. “You have to capture the Pokemon you battled to graduate remember?”

“I almost forgot,” Light said putting his hand behind his head. Light took out a Poke Ball and said “Go, Poke ball!”

The Poke ball just stood there with Shellos inside of it.

“I almost forgot.” the Principal said. “I’ll be the judge if it’s a capture or not. And it’s a….”

Last edited by Light_Sky; 06-21-2009 at 07:19 PM.
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  #2  
Old 05-30-2009, 09:10 PM
Light_Sky Offline
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Default Re: A Taste Of Reality

How it works,
the Principal says its a Capture or it's not a Capture.

Pokemon Level: Simple
Characters Needed: 5-10K
Characters: 11,533

Comments: Well I thought this story was a fun story. And I wasn't expecting 11.5 k o.o

Last edited by Light_Sky; 05-30-2009 at 09:23 PM.
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  #3  
Old 06-23-2009, 08:29 AM
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Default Re: A Taste Of Reality .:Ready For Grade:.

Oh well, guess I'll have to grade this

EDIT:
Characterisation: I usually don't put this in grades, because I'm not too confident about my judgement on characters. However, as you've used Light in more than a story, I feel like I wouldn't be doing my job, if I didn't tell you this.

Light is too perfect, and that's boring.

I mean, c'mon, a super genius kid, that is the best at his school even if he's lazy, with two loyal friends that have elected him leader of their crew, and on top of that, he can walk away from ridiculously sharp grass blades without even feeling a little bad?

Do you know what a Mary Sue/Gary Stu is? Because Light is definitely one.

A Gary Stu is a male character that has too many good points to be credible, and if he has any flaw, it doesn't prove an hindrance to his being the coolest hero ever existed. Suffices to say, only the author will see it as that.

These characters are often, inaccurately, called "author avatar", because they'll be the picture of everything the author wishes he/she was.

They are the main characters, because the story revolves around them; they're not a piece of the bigger picture of fate, they're the reason this picture exists at all. Everything seems to happen to them, to the point you can't move the plot forward if you change characters.

Now, Mary Sues (and Gary Stus) are incredibly annoying characters for a reader to deal with. They're not realistic, to the point they alienate, not letting the reader feel the story as its own.

On the other hand, however, Skyler and Will are flat. Their sole purpose in the story is to be Light's lapdogs, doing whatever Light feels like doing, and whine. Seriously. They don't have any redeeming quality. As soon as Light tells them to shut up, they do, and when he says to go to the swamp, Skyler doesn't act like a girl and refuses on some girlish pretense ground. If she was a tomboy, it'd make sense, but you never gave me any reason to think she's not a typical girl, keen on her clothes. Heck, she wanted to go to the mall. So why would she want to visit a damp and muddy swamp, that would ruin her school uniform?

Overall, in this section the story was a serious disappointment. Your characters need a lot more work and background.

First, if I may suggest, tone down Light a little. If you still want to keep him as the genius he currently is, you need to add realistic detracting points to him. For example, a guy that passes every test with flying colours without even trying isn't going to be liked by students and teachers alike. He'll most likely be the subject of their envy, and maybe of some pranks; this treatment would likely cause arrogance in Light- of the kind "they resort to this because they can't compare to my intelligence- especially when faced with older people but not restricted to that. Or he could just suck it up and debate inside as to why they don't accept him. Just saying "he didn't like to be picked on" isn't enough.

I have no advice for Skyler and Will though- they're flat as a cardboard. I'd think that such a close group of friends would date back to their childhood, but it may not be like that as well. However, I want to see a little more about those two, whether it is some background story or a show of their inner will- they're only human, it's unlikely they won't question or outright refuse to follow Light.

Story: These three guys go to the swamps, go back as soon as they arrive, then Light has to do a demostration agaisnt a Shellos.

It didn't make sense. There were many parts that contradicted each other. For example, where is exactly placed the school? It can't be too far from the city, since the trio went to the mall the day before, during freetime, yet apparently it's "off the road" which doesn't make it easy for them to go to the mall at all. Plus, why would the want to go to a swamp?

All in all, the whole swamp thing doesn't make sense as well. They travel through a path filled with, sorry for the mocking terms, GRASS BLADES OF DEATH covered in DEW DROPS OF DOOM... what? How exactly is the grass any sharper than normal grass? And what is that liquid? It can't be dew, because dew is condensed water. I'd assume it is a liquid secreted by the plant itself, which brings back to the point: why the plants are so aggressive? In nature, every useless trait is automatically discarded, and an overly aggressive defense isn't exactly useful if there isn't anything to menace it.

And as soon as they arrive in the swamps- and meet Shellos- they have to go back. One would think they planned better than that, seeing how it looks like they do those kind of things often.

Here as well, the plot was fine for a Simple Pokemon, but it's still a no-no. Mainly due to the swamp scene, which was really forced and whose only purpose was to make Shellos appear.

Detail/Description:
It's no good. First, there were small details that were exaggerated and over-the-top... which weren't good, though. For example, the extra-sharp grass, and the pine-smelling YEW school, and the fact that, even if the school isn't very rich, they play trumpets for an assembly. TRUMPETS! What are them, a castle during a joust?
And there's as well the fact that while they were all whiney during the first go in the cutting grass, there was no visible efftect

These exaggerate descriptions really didn't help the realism.

Also, the physical description of your character was boring. You use too many periods. They disrupt the flow. Like I'm doing here on purpose. You forced the reader to see your characters the way ou wanted to, but it's not good, as nothing forced is. To see better effects, the description should be a little more subtle, mixed up with actions matching the part you're describing (hair swaying in the wind, someone playing with said hair, eyes staring at something and so on), while with clothes, just drop the "he/she was wearing", and just say "his/her t-shirt/jeans/skirt/whatever", which works better.

Grammar/Spellchecking: not too many problems with spelling, but there are some grammar issues.

For example, you use the name of the characters too much. Seeing Light, Will, Skyler, Shellos, Lucario being repeated over and over isn't nice to see. There are various ways to effectively substitute a noun, for example by using a different noun (boy, girl, Pokemon and so on) paired with an adjective that fits the character (genius boy, sporty girl, Aura Pokemon, Water Pokemon and so on).

Battle: Unbelievable. Not in a good way, though. The thing I don't like about big, evolved Pokemon Vs small, frail Pokemon is that the small ones always look over-the-top, to keep up with the bigger opponent. The feats Shellos managed to pull off are ridicule, exaggerate like the rest of the story. How can a tiny seaslug, with no legs to boost itself off the ground, leap up high in the air?

Also, despite what you said, Lucario didn't seem to know very well what to do with a Mud Bomb attack, as he unwittingly made the bubble explode on himself.

Plus, how could the Steel Pokemon avoid recoil? The recoil isn't something physical, it's an effect of ramming into something. If you punch a wall of rubber, your punch gets thrown back. That's the recoil. And how comes he has no problems using Sky Uppercut when you said that the mud wasn't helping him navigate the stage?

You have to remember whenever you do a battle, to never forget the surrounding, else you'll lose part of the excitement a battle gives the reader.

I'd also suggest you to work on an original description for your attacks- both Bulk Up and Brine were blatantly copied from their in-game animation. This is secondary, but it is important nonetheless.

Outcome: meh, Shellos not captured. There was no visible improvement from Water Works, which you wrote a while ago, but instead, if possible, there was a slight decline in the quality. The plot made even less sense than Light visiting an abandoned factory/amusement park/I never got what it was, and simply, it wasn't good. I'm not expecting you to fix all the problems, but I need to see a very good work if you want this story to pass.
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Last edited by DarkGardevoir; 06-24-2009 at 09:50 AM.
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