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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 06-24-2009, 11:12 PM
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Default The Trials of a New Trainer - ready for grading

so, um, i though I should probably let whoever grades this know that this is my first attempt at a story...

The Trials of a New Trainer
Capture attempt: Seedot





The light breeze gently brushed against my face. A sweet, smell greeted me as I slowly awoke. I turned my head away from the wind, hoping to sleep a little longer. Keeping my eyes firmly shut, I attempted to enter that state of rest and relaxation. The wind blew harder now, but I refused to give in. I burrowed myself deeper into the soft inside of my sleeping bag. Thinking back to that day, it seemed oddly windy for a summer morning, but at the time, I was thinking about little more then drifting back off to sleep. The wind continued to blow however, so I slowly opened my eyes and peered out of my sleeping bag. Next to me lay my small backpack, prodded up against the tree that I had decided to sleep next to. Hanging out of the outside pocket was my pokenav. Pulling my hand out of my sleeping back took much effort, almost as much as it took to open my eyes in the first place. I lazily flailed my arm around until I grabbed hold of my pokenav. The smooth surface of the device slipped out of my hand at first, but I caught it with the end of my fingers immediately afterward. I pulled the device closer and pressed the round, red button in the middle of the silver pokenav. The device unfolded itself quickly and smoothly – a stark contrast to the slow motions I had made so far that morning. It was as if the pokenav was showing off and comparing its swift movement to my lazy, half-asleep movements. I glanced at the small digital clock in the upper screen which read 8:27.

Groaning, I started to pull myself out of my sleeping bag. This proved to be quite an ordeal. I still had not gotten used to waking up this early, especially during the summer. It seemed like an eternity had passed, but I finally pulled my legs out of the soft bag, yawning the entire time. Stretching my arms on either side of my body, I let out one last yawn before I proceeded to stand up. The cool breeze had picked up, and it felt harsh against my bare upper body. I bent down to my bag and unzipped the large, outer pocket. Pulling out a white tee-shirt, I thought about how great it would be to be sleeping. I had never been a morning person, and back in Littleroot Town, I would usually have awoken around ten. As I proceeded to slip my shirt on, thus shielding me from the breeze, my thoughts drifted back to my home town.

Littleroot was a quaint little town. I had lived there all my life. My parents both worked for a clinic in the wealthier west side of the town. That area of town was a great place to live in, but it was sometimes boring. I would often slip out with some friends and head downtown for some fun. I remember going to school at a liberal arts school for awhile. The school was boring, and, luckily, my parents noticed my distaste for it. My passion had always been for pokemon, so they sent me to the pokemon training academy in Littleroot. It was a great experience and our teachers were the best in their fields. Once a week, professor Birch would put on a seminar for us and this was an occasion we would always look forward to. I admired the professor and he was probably one of the biggest influences on me. At the training academy, my passion for pokemon grew, and upon graduation, I was awarded with my very own pokemon – an Eevee.

The wind intensified once more, snapping me out of my thoughts. I shivered a little. The air was pretty warm but the wind was chilly. I slowly reached down to roll up my sleeping bag and then it hit me. Eevee was missing. The little bed I had made for my pokemon out of some extra clothes was empty. The shirt was covered in Tawny colored hairs but there was no pokemon. I was wide awake now and I began to panic. It had only been a few days since I received Eevee and set out on a journey to earn the gym badges. What if Eevee decided that he did not want to travel with me? I stood straight up and looked around. Sweat started forming on my skin. “Eevee,” I yelled with my hands cuffed around my mouth, “where are you?” I frantically looked around again. All of the trees around me looked so tranquil. The pebbled road that I had camped out beside was silent and still as was the bushes and foliage across the road from me. There was no sign of movement… and no sign of Eevee.

I yelled “Eevee,” a couple more times. Sweat was building up everywhere and tears began to form in my eyes. Where had I gone wrong? Why would Eevee leave me? Could something worse have happened? Suddenly, there was movement in the bushes across the road. I stared as the shrub wiggled as if there was something inside it. Then, out walked a tawny brown pokemon with a white mane of fur. My Eevee! I was so overjoyed; I dropped to my knees and had to work hard to keep tears from coming to my eyes. Eevee cocked his head at me and tentatively walked across the road back to his makeshift bed. I raised my head again and watched Eevee walk over to his bed, noticing something hanging out of Eevee’s mouth. It was a stem of a small plant or fruit, likely a berry. “Well,” I thought to myself, “that would explain why Eevee ran off. It must have been hungry.” As I stared, Eevee curled up on the pile of clothes and started eating the berry it had found. The berry was big, round, and blue. It had many small indents on the side. Curious, I zipped open my backpack and reached inside. After feeling around, I found what I was looking for and pulled out a small, thick field guide. It was a present that my parents gave to me when I received my Eevee. I flipped through the bright, vibrant pages, filled with information about plants and pokemon until I reached the section about berries. Looking at the pictures, I quickly identified Eevee’s berry as an Oran Berry. I read a short exert from the page that the blue berry was on. Apparently Oran Berries were very common and were popular among pokemon for the even balance of different tastes that they produced. These berries were slightly spice but also had a sour taste and a slightly sweet aftertaste. Looking up from the guide, I noticed that Eevee had finished eating the berry and was now sitting with a cocked head and with its beady black eyes staring at me. I smiled and reached out my hand to stroke Eevee.

After packing up my gear, I stood up and turned to Eevee who was now investigating the tree next to which I had slept. “Come on Eevee,” I said, “let’s go do some training. It has been three days now and I want to test out your abilities against some wild pokemon.” Eevee trotted over to me proudly. I reached down to my belt to pull out Eevee’s poke ball but then I retracted my hand. “Why don’t you spend some time outside your poke ball? You need the exercise and I’m sure you will enjoy the beautiful scenery.” Eevee nodded his head enthusiastically and we set off down the pebbled, tree-lined road.

After about ten minutes of walking, the forest gave way to a wide field. Without the shade from the trees, the sun beat down on me and Eevee. The breeze had stopped and now I was starting to sweat again, this time from the heat. The grass in the field along the edges of the road was knee high. It was a green and gold field with pink, yellow, and white wildflowers dotting the landscape. The sky was bright blue with a couple of puffy, white clouds visible. The road twisted through the grassland and in the distance, I could see where the road reentered the forest. Eevee ran out from beside me, his eyes gleaming with delight. As I continued down the road, out of the forest and into the field, Eevee walked alongside the road, sniffing the flowers and batting playfully at the small insects that would fly away from the flowers loaded down with pollen. Suddenly the blades of grass in front of Eevee rustled, and a second later, a creature jumped out from the grass into the road right in front of Eevee, who jumped back in surprise. The other pokemon was small and black in color. I could see teeth pointing out from its mouth and a red nose dotted the end of its snout. Startled, Eevee continued to back up a bit from the creature, which, obviously curious, looked at Eevee. I reached around to my backpack and pulled out the pokedex from my outer pocked that I had received from Professor Birch when I graduated from the academy. Pressing the button on the front of the pokedex, it opened in a similar fashion to how the pokenav had opened. The pokedex immediately turned on and I aimed the sensor on the back of the device at the wild pokemon.

The pokedex identified the pokemon as a Poochyena and gave me some background information about the pokemon. I listened, fascinated by the device. This was, after all, the first wild pokemon I had encountered and, therefore, the first time I had used my pokedex to identify a pokemon. I looked over the top of the pokedex at the Poochyena and it looked back at me with a blank expression. Then a thought came to my mind. “Eevee, this is our chance,” I explained, “This is finally a chance to test your abilities out against another pokemon.” Eevee glanced up at me and then turned back to the wild Poochyena while the wild pokemon continued to stare at me blankly. “Ok Eevee,” I said, “Attack with a…um, attack with a…” I suddenly felt embarrassed, even though the only creatures around were the two pokemon. This was my first fight with Eevee, and I did not know what attacks Eevee could use. I quickly opened back up my pokedex and scanned Eevee. A list of his attacks displayed on the screen. “Alright Eevee, use Quick Attack on that Poochyena,” I said as I looked back up from the device, but the Poochyena was gone and Eevee just looked up at me confused. “It must have run off while was wasting time checking out Eevee’s attacks,” I thought to myself. My fists clenched and I could have beaten up myself for having made such a stupid mistake. I let that pokemon get away when it could have given Eevee some valuable combat experience. Sighing, I walked across the pebbled road and sat myself down on a nearby rock, putting my head in my hands. Eevee came over to me and plopped down beside me.

Just then, I heard a sound directly across the road looked up. I quickly raised my head and looked up. In front of me and Eevee, another pokemon had appeared. It looked just like an oversized acorn with wide eyes and short, stubby feet. The body was mostly brown, like an acorn. I pulled out my pokedex again and aimed the sensor at the wild pokemon. The pokedex came to life and identified the pokemon as a Seedot. “Let’s go Eevee,” I exclaimed, standing up excitedly, “I’m not letting this one get away.” Eevee jumped up as well and faced Seedot. “Go Eevee, use a Quick Attack on that Seedot.” Eevee bolted forwards and tackled the wild Seedot with a high powered charge. Seedot was blasted backwards and hit a large rock that lay on the side of the road. A large cracking sound was heard in the air and the wild pokemon closed its eyes for a second in pain. As it slid to the ground however, Seedot chose to stand its ground rather than run. “Ok Eevee lets use a Take Down attack this time,” I yelled. Eevee recklessly charged at Seedot who effortlessly rolled out of the way of the attack. Eevee kept going and crashed into the rock that Seedot had been standing in front of. “No Eevee,” I yelled, “Are you ok?” Eevee tried standing back up but dizzily fell over again. It was evident that Eevee had hit his head pretty hard against the rock. Seedot, who had rolled over to the center of the road now stood up and faced Eevee. It started glowing and then suddenly a burst of golden energy appeared in a circle around Seedot. The circle grew in size and then bursts of this natural energy flew in every direction. The energy barely missed Eevee and hit the rock instead, creating a shower of golden sparks. “What was that,” I thought to myself. The pokedex was still in my hand from earlier so I glanced down and checked the list of Seedot’s attacks. As I scanned the list, it hit me, that Seedot had used Nature Power. Eevee jumped up from the gravel where he had fallen down and launched itself at Seedot again with another blindingly fast Quick Attack. Seedot could not avoid it and the wild pokemon was thrown back off the road into the gently swaying grass. “Eevee,” I yelled, “Pursue that Seedot. Do not let it get away. Use a Bite attack.”

Eevee jumped into the high grass and I tried to run after it. I could barely make out Eevee’s light brown fur beneath the grass, but I could not see Seedot anywhere. Eevee knew where the wild pokemon was however, and I saw Eevee lunge with a Bite attack. I could now barely make out Seedot’s round figure under the grass. Seedot must have used Harden however because Eevee fell to the ground, its jaw in obvious pain. The small, round shadow took advantage of this opportunity and ran on its short, stubby legs around Eevee and out of my sight back in the direction of the road. Eevee continued to lie on the ground among a batch of golden yellow wildflowers with a dazed expression on his face. I ran over to my pokemon, the tall grass brushing along my leg as I ran. Then, I quickly reached down to pick up Eevee but as soon as I reached out my hands, Eevee jumped up and bolted in the direction that Seedot had run in. I retracted my hands, straightened my body and ran through the tall grass in the same direction. I could hear the pursuit taking place from the rusting grass and the occasional squeals of pain but I could not see Seedot or Eevee in the grass. I stopped and looked around, trying to find a shadow or shape in the grass. The grass continued to gently sway in the wind in a hypnotizing manner, very much in contrast to the intense fight that was taking place somewhere nearby. Sweat had begun to reappear on my body and I noticed that it had become hotter as the sun had climbed higher into the sky. The grass around me gently swayed in the wind as a slight breeze blew past. Then I heard a yelp. Turning to the direction from which I had heard the sound, a frightening sight presented itself. Golden sparks flew everywhere as Eevee was hurled out of the grass roughly fifteen meters from where I was standing. Eevee landed in the road, creating a cloud of dust around itself. My pokemon then collapsed onto the white pebbles.

I immediately took off running through the grass towards Eevee. My feet stumbled over a rock stuck in the ground, almost tripping me, but I kept on running. All I could think about was my poor Eevee. Ahead of me, I could see Seedot wobbling out of the grass. From the way it walked, it was obviously exhausted. Eevee must have put up an impressive fight. Seedot glanced at Eevee and then got off its feet and started rolling down the road in the direction of the forest. As I approached Eevee, I was amazed to see my pokemon slowly getting back on its legs with a determined look in its beaten-up face. Before I could shout an order, Eevee took off after Seedot, bounding up to the acorn pokemon and blasting it with another Quick Attack. The attack was a clean hit to Seedot’s backside, and the already exhausted acorn pokemon flew a few meters down the road and fell over in pain. Eevee similarly collapsed having used all its remaining energy in that one last Quick Attack. I quickly ran over to Eevee, yelling, “Eevee! Are you okay?” The small black eyes looked up at me fondly when I reached Eevee and then Eevee feebly stood up, and walked over to me before collapsing on the road next to my feet. Raising my eyes, I looked across the road and saw Seedot try to walk away. The wild pokemon fell over again, obviously having no energy left. I knew this was my opportunity.

I reached my sweaty hands into a side pocket on my back pack and pulled out a poke ball, its white underside gleaming in the sun. I had been given five of the white and red balls before I left on my adventure. With perfect aim I threw the poke ball, hitting Seedot square in the back of its body. The ball bounced off the pokemon and then opened. A red light appeared and consumed Seedot. The light then returned to the poke ball and the ball closed, falling to the ground. I froze up. Anxiety overtook me. This was my first attempt at catching a wild pokemon. Would I be successful? I clenched my fists and stared defiantly at the poke ball on the ground. Sweat continued to pour down my face caused in part to the heat from the sun and in part to the anxiety I was feeling. At my feet, Eevee, still laying on the pebbled surface of the dusty road, was staring intently at the poke ball with its beady, black eyes. The poke ball wiggled as the Seedot attempted to free itself. It wiggled again, and again…
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  #2  
Old 06-27-2009, 05:40 AM
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Default Re: The Trials of a New Trainer - ready for grading

Introduction: The introduction was good in that it gives the reader a bit of insight on who the trainer is. From the first two paragraphs, I was able to gather that the trainer is a new one, possibly just starting day two? You perfectly illustrate this through he character's reluctance to wake up early. Then you take it even deeper by revealing how the trainer came across this journey. From the last paragraph of the introduction, I learned who your character idolizes, and how he obtained his first Pokemon. I think that covers what most people look for in an introduction.

Plot: A new trainer and his Eevee are ready to learn how to fight. Right away we are struck with a problem: Eevee is missing. It soon returns with a berry in tow, which is when we learn that the trainer has been supplied with adequate reading material to explore the world. He meets his first Pokemon and identifies it using the Pokedex, but it runs off. It's based off the standard plot, but you've managed to make it your own story.

Description: I was impressed with the amount of description you put into things. I especially enjoyed the setting you described when you left the forest. You were able to give as much information as I wanted to hear, but you didn't make it boring by simply saying "there was tall grass nearby." You described how tall the grass was, what noises it made, how it felt when you ran through, and how the air smelled. You were the same way with the Pokemon as well, but to a lesser extent.

Grammar: I didn't notice anything major. But just so you know, words like "Pokemon", "Pokenav", and "Pokedex" are all proper nouns, meaning they need to be capitalized. Also, your paragraphs are in big blotches. There's no reason to change the first few, but in a battle, when somebody speaks, you start a new paragraph.

Quote:
Both Pokemon were fighting fiercly. I had to intervene.

"Get out of there!" I yelled.

Both Pokemon ran away.
Simple maybe, but it gets the point across. Other than that, I have no issues here. Nice work.

Length: Seedot is a Simple-ranked Pokemon. That means 5,000-10,000 is the suggested range for him. You clocked in at 16,650 characters. I'd have to be stupid to complain here.

Battle: The battle was a good chunk of the story, and for good reason too. Seedot is, well, a tough nut to crack, especially for an Eevee. I like how you incorporated the terrain by not only having Eevee's Take Down collide with a rock, but you also moved the battle into the tall grass for a while. When Seedot shot the little guy out of the grass, it sounded like things were over. Of course, Eevee managed to pull through and deliver a quick finishing blow to end the battle. Good job.

Outcome: Your introduction, plot, and description all worked in tamdem to get the gist of your story across. You had a few grammatical errors, but nothing to hurt your chances. Length and battle were also great.

Seedot Captured! I will refrain from making a nut-related pun, I'll just leave you with this...


Last edited by Gokudera-Kun; 06-27-2009 at 05:47 AM.
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  #3  
Old 06-27-2009, 06:55 PM
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Default Re: The Trials of a New Trainer - ready for grading

cool, thanks for grading!
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