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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 06-12-2009, 12:25 AM
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As angel white flakes of snow drifted through the cloudy skies, I was tightly wrapped in a violet fleece. The tempting scent of bacon strips scattered across it. I was busy drooling, dazed in a daydream about bacons’ juiciness when I heard my master shriek. Her sapphire blue eyes quickly widened as a fierce doglike creature slowly snooped around her. My protective instinct overcame me, and I leaped out of the blanket. I immediately remembered that it was the middle of a freezing January and that I was going to turn into an icicle. I didn’t care. I was going to save my master’s dear life. The light purple dog sneered at me. Its razor-sharp fangs startled me.

“I love you so much, but its okay. It’s Maxwell’s Granbull, remember?” My master’s soft voice soothed me, as if she was pouring water on my flamed tail.

I quickly apologized to the poor dog and swiftly ran into the blanket as if nothing had happened. I could hear a man’s voice in the background. As I peered out of the blanket, I could see a teenage boy’s pearly white teeth. His forest green eyes reminded me of the bulb on Bulbasaur’s back. Oh, how much hatred I had for that Pokemon. I just wanted to see the ember all over it as it would slowly perish.

The boy’s tan skin and beautiful smile seemed to attract my master. She giggled and blushed whenever he would smile and fix her hair. I was disgusted and slightly envious. Nobody was going to replace me.

“Honey, I’m going to go train my Granbull for my upcoming gym battle,” Maxwell spoke unperturbedly. I noticed that he had little hairs above his upper lip. He was growing a mustache.

“How about I go with you? Charmander could use some training,” she replied in an eager manner.

“You still haven’t defeated Brock, have you?”

“I’m going to have to catch another Pokemon if I ever want to have a chance of getting that badge,” she replied softly, hoping that I didn’t hear it.

Although I was offended by that comment, I agreed. She was depending all on me to defeat that gigantic rock monster over three times. Had she ever heard of weaknesses and resistances?

As she strolled through the snowy woods, I was cozy in her grasp. I was startled by the unpleasant smell of urine. However, the gentleness of her hands put me back into my relaxing state. Finally, the walking came to a halt when the man my master liked yelled in terror. I jumped up, being woken up once again. Black smoke covered the once grey skies.

“Elizabeth, turn backward! There’s a fire in Pewter City.” I could see the worry in his eyes.

My master, Elizabeth, swiftly sprinted back through the woods. Suddenly, I left her grasp and harshly fell onto a bed of snow. She had slipped on ice and was screaming in pain. I started to panic, hoping that Maxwell would help her up. I was just a mere Charmander. I could see the teardrops trickle down her cheeks.

I heard a rustle for a nearby bush. Confused, I cautiously tiptoed through the snowy grass until something went in my eye. When I gained back my sight, I saw the eyes of a monster. Half of its three foot body was angel white, and the other half looked like the mud on a forest floor. Its jungle green arms whacked me to the icy ground. Before it could continue its attack, I quickly snorted black smoke out of my nostrils. The Smokescreen attack startled him. I had a chance to attack him again.

Before I could triumph with an Ember attack, Maxwell approached my master, comforting her. I was too distracted by him to notice the snow monster start a lovely tune. Then, I blacked out.

When I woke up, I looked fresh and new. I assumed that I was taken to the Pokemon Center before that Snover would finish me off. Elizabeth was always looking out for me. Remembering that she had been hurt on her leg, I glanced at it. The floor of the center had white tiles, with an occasional blood red tile. I hadn’t noticed anything on her leg. All she had was her crimson anklet. I guess she was alright.

“What do you think caused the fire, Max?” Elizabeth was eager to investigate the situation.

“I’m pretty sure it was Team Rocket. They’re always trying to catch that Pikachu. What is up with them and Ash’s Pikachu?”

Suddenly, a teenage girl with orange hair entered the Pokemon Center. I immediately recognized her by her dark green eyes. She walked gracefully over to Nurse Joy. From two yards away, I could smell her ocean scent. She was Misty.

“Hey, Misty,” Elizabeth yelled out while waving her hand. Misty waved back and smiled.

I have to say; that Misty girl is pretty good looking. No wonder Ash is always tagging along with her like her slave.

“Hey, I was wondering why there was a fire in Pewter City?” Maxwell knew that Misty had answers.

“Believe it or not, it wasn’t Team Rocket this time.” Misty jogged over to us and whispered in our ears, “There are rumors that people have found a colony of Dratini. When one was taken, it had an outrage. Apparently it used Twister to create a major storm.”

Elizabeth’s eyes lit up in surprise. Dratini had always been said to be a mythical creature. We stood silent until I couldn’t take the saltwater stench anymore. I leaped out of her hands and onto the floor. I swiftly ran until I was out the door and took a deep breath of fresh air. It was very relaxing until Elizabeth had noticed that I had fled. She quickly knelt down on the filthy floor and searched for my tiny body.

I looked through the doorway and noticed that Misty had told her to stop. “The reason why he’s never winning battles is because you never let him free to train! Why don’t you let him go in the woods? I’m sure he’ll come back to you.”

When I noticed that Elizabeth had given up, I ran into the woods. I felt liberty and freedom as the freezing cold air hit my face. As I cautiously searched for Pokemon, the light mist of a previous rainfall trickled through my body. The terrible stench of droppings filled my fiery orange nostrils. The disgusting smell was giving me a headache.

Suddenly, I felt something hit my head. I quickly picked the critter off of my head. It was a very tiny caterpillar, colored a light green with an occasional yellow spot. It was too small to battle, so I flicked it off of my finger. I continued my stroll through the beautiful forest until another Caterpie fell on my head. Suddenly, dozens of those darn Caterpies plopped on my head. Slowly looking down in terror, I spotted at least fifty Caterpies.

The hideous caterpillars crept up my body, giving me a chill. I had no idea what to do, so I just hopped around. I shook most of the Caterpies off, but it didn’t help. Their violet-red antennae were chopped off by blades of grass. I chuckled when they crawled around in panic. To finish them off, I decided to use Ember. Flames blasted through my nostrils and out of my mouth. When the smoke cleared, there were no Caterpies in sight. I was happy to finally defeat them when something lightly tapped my back. I got goose bumps once again.

I slowly looked behind me, and I saw a wheat colored fluff ball with arms. It resembled a monkey because of its long tail, brown at the tip. However, it had a scarlet red snout like a swine. Before I could ask, it tackled me to the dirt, swiftly scratching me continuously. I became infuriated at the fact that the Mankey could attack me so easily. I struggled to break through the monkey-pig and get on top of him.

In the blink of an eye, a dark gray mist seeped through my nostrils, making the Mankey sneeze constantly. He was blinded by the smoke and ink, so I decided to give him a direct attack. I dashed toward his furry body and sank my teeth through his skin, burning him. The Mankey loudly yelped in pain. I had never used Fire Fang before. My teeth were sweltering from the attack. I took a few seconds to cool off and relax, but that was a horrible idea. Before I knew it, the Mankey was outraged and rapidly ran toward me. I ran away from him in terror. However, it just made matters worse. He ended up catching me, but I was nowhere near the Pokemon Center anymore. I was by a graceful pond, where toddlers were running about.

I felt myself being picked up. In a flash, I was nauseous from being upside down. Nausea turned into pain when he jumped up a tree and threw me onto the ground. I was seriously hurt, and I wasn’t sure if I could attack him again. The Seismic Toss that he pulled on me was very hurtful. However, my anger overcame my pain, and I got back up on my legs, dashing toward him once again. Sweat streamed down my face as I belched out an explosion of fire. Flames still blasted through my mouth, getting hotter and hotter. The Mankey was already on the floor, panting. It had already fainted, but I couldn’t take it. Fury still raged through my body. I was too tired to hit him again, so I blacked out.

I slowly awoke to the tender tap of a light drizzle. I was still in the forest that I had fallen in. Surrounding me were charcoal black ashes. The once wonderful looking trees were slowly dying. I had to get back to my master. She was probably worrying about me. I leisurely got up and rubbed my sore eyes. I was still flabbergasted at the amazing effect of my Flamethrower. I had used moves that I never knew existed. I was confident that I had gained a few levels. Feint moonlight was breaking through the dull, gray clouds. I assumed that it was around eight in the evening. I had been asleep for four hours. I needed to find my master’s home, and fast.

Dazzling stars were scattered across the sky, sparkling like never before. I was pacing back and forth, trying to remember where my master lived. Hopefully she would be there with open arms, ready to hear the wonderful story about my battle. I could just feel the tightness of her hugs. I had no idea what to do. Through the darkness, I could only see the bright headlights of passing cars. I strained my poor eyes as I walked through the streets. Suddenly, I heard an earsplitting shriek that sounded like a dying animal. The strident scream got louder with each step that I took. The light breeziness turned into powerful winds while lightning struck. I could smell the horrible odor of smoke being blown through the sky. All I could do is run into the nearest building.

I ran in to the comforting aroma of incense and scented candles. It was so quiet that I could hear a pin drop. Amazed and slightly afraid, I trudged through the open doorway and saw a teenage girl with dirty blond hair and azure blue eyes. I couldn’t believe it; I had found my master!

“Elizabeth!” I was so excited to see her. I sprinted toward her with open arms. She gave me the tightest hug yet.

“Master, a million Caterpies went on me and then I battled a Mankey and used Flamethrower and fainted and ran through the city looking for you and,” I eagerly exclaimed.

“Wait, wait, wait. Start from the beginning,” she said as a grin grew on her face. I explained everything to her.

We were in a wonderful mood when the wind overpowered the house. The roof was swiftly ripped off, enabling a pouring rainfall and massive winds to approach us. We panicked and ran downstairs, into my master’s basement. Elizabeth’s beautiful face turned a bright red as she sobbed, tears quickly streaming down her cheeks. Before anything else can happen, we heard the deafening shriek again. The raucous wind stopped, and the rain cleared. Elizabeth’s house had been destroyed, but the storm had ended.

Elizabeth and I promptly ran up the wooden staircase and through the doorway. My master’s poor house wasn’t the only one destroyed. Black ashes and several woodchips were scattered amongst us. I held a tight grasp against Elizabeth’s cut arm. It was bloodied from a previous fall.

“It must have been the Dratini again,” she muttered under her breath. I could see it drifting away in the cold air.

Before I knew it, I was being swiftly zoomed through the blades of jungle green grass. I was no longer in the secure grasp of my lovely master Elizabeth. The smoke slowly cleared as I was being dragged through the forest by an unknown species. Through the darkness, all I could see was a gleaming spot on its head. Suddenly, I felt rope on my aching orange feet. It took several minutes before I found out where I was. We were merely trapped, and I was caught by something on the run. I struggled to see more than the bright dot on its head and its angel white ears. I cautiously felt around the net, trying not to upset the unknown Pokemon. I immediately knew what it was when I heard the crinkles of its shedding cerulean blue skin.

“Hello, Dratini.” I stuttered as I spoke. I was absolutely terrified.

“Don’t be afraid. I won’t bite unless you try to bring me back to that horrible place.” Its graceful voice was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.

“I promise that I am just an innocent Charmander. Why did you take me along with you?”

The puny sapphire blue dragon went to a pause before it answered, “I was overwhelmed by the adrenaline rush, and I needed help. You looked good enough for the job. Will you please help me from those evildoers?”

“Is it Team Rocket who is trying to capture you?”

Dratini slowly nodded. It looked around a few times before starting to charge toward the net, trying to break it through.

“Will you help me or not?”

“Yes, certainly. Will I ever get to see my master again?” I was worried about that more than anything.

“If we get caught, you probably won’t ever see her again. If we make it through until people forget about me, you will. That’s if we can find her.”

I would be helping a fellow Pokemon, so I decided to accept her offer. “I will help you in your escape.”

The diminutive cobalt dragon started to charge up energy. Eager to use the same attack as it, I tried to charge up energy as well. Instantly, a gigantic blast of elements belched out of its mouth. Massive flames blasted out of mine. Before we knew it,

“I didn’t know that you could use Hyper Beam,” I exclaimed in surprise.

“I didn’t know that you could use Flamethrower,” it replied sarcastically.

However, Dratini couldn’t run as fast as it could before. After its massive Hyper Beam, it could barely move. I dragged it through the dewy forest, not knowing where I was heading. The sun was yet to rise on this freezing winter night. It had been about five minutes until Dratini got her power back. Her brief immobilization had faded, and now we were zooming through the woods once again.

***

“I can’t do it anymore,” I struggled to say because of my panting. Everyday had been a challenge for our survival.

By day, we were fugitives, escaping from capture. By night, we were hidden in the shadows. Days had turned into weeks, and we could barely get a good meal. On this particular dawn, the blazing sunshine blinded us, and we could barely escape. We knew that somewhere behind us, there were men and women chasing us. Bright skies surrounded us wherever we went, slowly melting the fallen snow. I just yearned to sink my teeth and taste the succulence of a sweet Pecha Berry.

“No, you can’t leave me here. I have a feeling that we are near the sea.”

“I just can’t take it. How much more time?”

“I apologize for putting you into this. I never should have.” She sighed and slowly looked down, disappointment gleaming in her eyes.

“No, no, no. It’s okay. I’ll stay here and protect you.” I looked at her and smiled.

Suddenly, the smell of burning firewood danced around our nostrils, making us run a little faster. The light blue skies darkened into indigo as dark grey clouds settled in. The smell lured us closer until we saw the bursting orange flames. In front of those flames was a shadow of two figures—Team Rocket.

Before we could make an escape, something clawed through our skin, making us give in. Looking behind me, I could see a cat with a golden oval on its forehead. Dratini and I looked at each other in disappointment. We had been caught by Team Rocket. A woman with long violet hair and a man with medium length indigo hair slyly looked at us, grinning. Before we knew it, they were singing their song:


To protect the world from devastation.
To unite all people within our nation.
To denounce the evils of truth and love.
To extend our reach to the stars above.
JESSIE!
JAMES!
Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light.
Surrender now, or prepare to fight.
Meowth, that's right!

We were finally captured by the horrendous Team Rocket, and danger was lurking. What would we do?


Name of Story: Hidden
Status of Story: Incomplete
Pokemon Desired: Dratini
Characters Needed: 30-40k
Characters Now: 17.5k
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Last edited by Shozuka; 09-06-2009 at 06:32 PM.
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  #2  
Old 06-27-2009, 04:16 AM
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Default Re: Hidden

The radiating sun parched me as I was sent out to battle. Whenever they had the opportunity to battle, I was always sent out. I thought that they wanted Dratini. Standing in front of me was an acorn creature. Its chestnut brown body danced around as I prepared for an attack. I had gotten much better at battling than ever before, and I was ready to kick some butt. With Jessie and James loudly cheering me on, I was sure to win.

The petite hands on Seedot’s small body oddly flailed around until I could see the tiny acorn start to grow. He was using Growth. I could see that he had gained power. I noticed that he clamped his hands together, finishing off his strength inducer. Before he could finish, I dashed up to him in fury and pried his hands apart, giving him a little kick. The miniature Pokemon was thrown back from my power, but got back up in a flash. The dark green leaves on the elevating trees were pulled off with an invisible force. The leaves swiftly scattered across the sky until they formed into a gigantic orb. Before I knew it, the ball was soaring toward me with great force. I was too slow to take the attack. Cuts were all over my fiery orange body. I was furious at that Seedot.

Suddenly, an odd vibe started to form. I started to gleam like the bright stars in the darkness. My body slowly numbed until I couldn’t feel a thing. My orange skin darkened into a light red. The small flame on my tail grew as I felt myself get taller. I wasn’t myself. The numbness slowly depleted, but I still didn’t feel like myself. I wasn’t myself. I was Charmeleon.

I swiftly dashed toward the tiny acorn, rage exhaling through my nostrils. Sweat streamed down my blood red body as I prepared for the attack. Before I could finish him off, we exploded. It felt like a bomb had gone off. Dark grey smoke filled the once light blue sky. A blast of flames went everywhere, making the whole neighborhood flood the streets. I barely had any strength left, but I was still alive. Seedot wasn’t.

“Good job, Charmeleon! You’ll do well against Pikachu,” Jessie exclaimed with glee. Her eyes lit up.

“No,” I solemnly replied before walking away. The indigo dragon broke out of its red and white ball before walking off with me.

Footsteps behind us grew in volume. Once again, we were on the chase. We were surrounded by the lofty trees again. The pine scent soothed me. We were fugitives once again.

At last, shadows of justice were sought. From the corner of my eye, I could spot three teenage people. Two of them were boys, and the other one was a girl. The girl seemed really familiar. Her orange hair resembled the skin that I previously had, and the way one of the boys looked at her screamed familiar as well. One of the boys had jet black hair and dark brown eye. On his head was a red and white hat, with an odd green mark on the center. The other boy looked older and wiser than the other, with brown spiky hair. He was wearing a vest containing the colors grey and orange. They all walked through Viridian Forest as a pack, talking and laughing about. I hand-motioned Dratini to follow me as I ran toward the gang. When we arrived in front of them, we had a lot to say.

“Ash, Misty, Brock! Please help us defeat Team Rocket. We were being chased by them for weeks, and we really need you to help us. Please?” My eyes were watering. It was only to get them to help us. However, I don’t think that they were listening to me. Their eyes were locked onto Dratini.

At once, a Pokedex was taken out.

Dratini, the Dragon Pokemon.
Dratini was long considered a mythical Pokemon until recently when a small colony was found living underwater.



Dratini winced in a soft voice before we embarked on our quest to finally defeat the malevolent Team Rocket. We had had enough of them.

The feint chirp of the chestnut brown Pidgeys helped me relax my nerves as we walked back to Viridian City. When we finally arrived, Jessie and James were worriedly searching behind a tree. Sweat drops gradually spilled down their necks as the sweltering sun revealed its rays at us. The grass was completely rid of snow or ice at this time. I would guess that it was an early March.

“Hey, you guys. I heard that you were messing with our buddies,” Ash declared with a glare. Jessie and James glared back at us, slightly grinning.

“What are you going to do about it?” Meowth replied, his bravery slightly showing through his voice.

“I’ll show you what I’m going to do,” Misty exclaimed furiously, looking like she was about to crush something. Before she could hurt the duo, Brock and Ash held her back.

“We can settle this by a battle. If you win, then we give the Pokemon to you. If we win, the Pokemon is ours.”

“You know that we’re just going to knock you into the skies with Pika-“ Ash was interrupted by James.

“No Pikachu,” he said slyly before snatching a Pokeball from his belt. “Knock them out, Koffing!”

A beam of light gleamed out of the Pokeball, and a figure of a floating ball-like figure appeared. It seemed to be full of poison gasses. Its violet colors stood out in the field of trees that I was hiding in. I was standing on a branch up above, ready to jump down with a powerful attack. Suddenly, toxic sludge shot out of the gas bubble’s holes. It covered the trees, but not mine. The attack was useless. I took a good look at my newly grown claws. They were sure to help against Koffing.

The spiky feel of the branches left my feet when I leaped off, my claws ready to scratch. The breezy air hit my face, sending a chill down my back. I directly landed on Koffing, letting my talons sink into its body. I could tell that it had lost a lot of power, but he was still using his attack. How stupid had I been for using Slash while he was still squirting sludge at me? The poisonous material got into my mouth, and I got goose bumps. My power was slowly draining, and it was all because of a stupid idea.

The warm air hit my face as I flipped backwards to escape the attack. I wasn’t noticing that there was a dark violet cobra behind me, ready to bite the flesh out of me. I was too late to react to the attack, and I was being electrocuted by its razor-sharp fangs. I leaped up in the air in pain. Instead of defeating Team Rocket, it seemed like I was being defeated. However, I couldn’t just throw the towel.

The intriguing design on Arbok’s belly resembled a face, looking like it was painted with a blood red, bright yellow, and charcoal black colors. The purple serpent slithered about, distracting me. It went for the attack once again, biting my face with its fangs. I was in so much pain, but I had actually held it in. All of the attacks that I had been hit with were endured. I was actually charging up power. Dratini and I let go of our power, using our dual attack. However, unlike before, my attack was different. Flamethrower had been replaced with a much stronger attack. Flames burst out of my mouth, severely burning the cobra. An extremely large beam of energy was exhaled out of the azure blue dragon, knocking out Arbok. Sneak attacks had been the highlight of the battle so far, but anything could change. I just learned a new attack- Fire Blast. Anything could happen.

I was rapidly zooming toward the purple gas bubble, my claws ready to cut through it. I felt energetic and hyper after the sneak attack that Dratini had performed on Arbok, and we were halfway through with our victory. The rest of the attack was a blur, because I was rushing through it. Punches and kicks made the Koffing explode in tears, sobbing and weeping until it fainted. I was confused at the result of my Dragon Rush. The battle was over. I had defeated Team Rocket.

How about not.

Meowth reluctantly leaped into an attack, but he was too late for mine. My sharp talons formed into metal as I slashed away on the cat’s face. The talking cat was screaming in pain, running along the patches of grass. I chuckled at its careless effort to hold in the pain. I couldn’t take it; it was my chance to finish him off. Filthy brown rocks were slowly levitated through the air and into my hands. I finished the attacks, by throwing them directly on the sobbing cat, knocking him a few yards back. He never moved.

“It looks like we won the battle,” Brock said eagerly.

“Not exactly, you little twerp. We still have one more Pokemon,” Jessie replied as a grin rose from cheek to cheek. She slyly snagged the last Pokeball out of her belt, which contained an unknown Pokemon.

When the gleaming lights coming out of the Pokeball faded, a light pink monster was revealed. Its tongue was exceedingly long, and it was about to crush me with its gigantic foot!

Before it could easily stomp my sweaty scarlet face, I rolled out of the way, and leaped in the air. A minimal amount of flames snorted out of my nose, which only startled the pink monster. I had accidently used Ember instead of Fire Blast! I was too slow to try again, so I got rammed onto the ground. The rocks on the road stabbed me, inducing more pain. Its lengthy tongue slapped me, throwing me back a little bit. I was in too much pain. I couldn’t take it. I was on the verge of fainting.

Suddenly, an earsplitting scream was heard. It resembled the shriek that was heard from Dratini back in Pewter City. However, it wasn’t from Dratini. All of a sudden, thunderbolts scattered everywhere. The deafening sound of thunder striking quadrupled in volume. The thunder and lightning was face to face with me.

“Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom!”


At seven feet tall, this light orange dragon was taller than all of us. Its claws were three times larger than mine, and it had gigantic green wings. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It was the final evolution of Dratini. I had seen a Dragonite for the first time.

“Knock this unfaithful duo cold, Dragonite!” A tall man with angel white hair stood next to the Dragonite. The man was actually almost as tall as the Dragonite. He had forest green eyes and was wearing a black t-shirt. He was a relative of mine, but I just couldn’t make it out. He seemed massively familiar.

“Is that you Charmeleon? Are you the Charmander that went missing?” His left eyebrow slightly rose. I slowly nodded.

“Why, you’re my granddaughter’s Charmander,” he replied and ran up to me with open arms. I gradually got up and gave him a tight hug. He was my master’s grandfather. I could finally go back home.

“I want to go back home, grandpa,” I said to him. He nodded. I glanced at Dratini, who looked down in disappointment. Her eyes were gleaming in the sunlight. However, it wasn’t only because of the shining sunlight. Tears trickled down its blue face.

“I want Dratini to come with me, though.”

Dratini’s face lit up, and she ran to me in happiness. I gave her a love filled hug and a tender kiss on the cheek. I knew that we were always meant to be together as partners. We would never leave each other.

The gigantic orange dragon jumped in the air, and when she landed, everybody went in the air. With perfect precision, it fiercely kicked Team Rocket into the sky.

“We’re blasting off again!”


And with that, they were practically flying in the air. With a feint twinkle, they were gone.

***
I was full of massive relief as we walked home in glee. Every situation had been wrapped up, and Dratini was safe from capture. Fluffy white clouds were scattered along the skies, the sun smiling brightly at us. The dark green blades of grass had grown since the last time I saw Elizabeth and Maxwell. We solemnly walked through the forest in silence. I decided to break the silence.

“So, who’s ready to meet Elizabeth?” I looked at Dratini as I said this. She blushed and nodded at me.

“She was really worried about you when you left her. She will be really happy to see you,” Elizabeth’s grandfather, Edmond, said.

“I just can’t wait to see her face!” My grin stretched from cheek to cheek. By now, we were walking a little faster. Elizabeth’s repaired house had been in sight.

After the major storm that Dratini caused, her house was slightly different. The dark violet roof that she previously had was lightened into a lilac. The house also looked slightly bigger. The living room was bigger than before, but it was still full of the aroma from incense and scented candles. We slowly turned our heads, and there was Elizabeth with Maxwell. Elizabeth seemed to have dyed her hair brunette, and she had forest green eye contacts on. She also seemed to have a bigger belly.

“Elizabeth, I missed you so much!” I ran up to her, but she didn’t give an as tight hug. “I’ve evolved into Charmeleon!”

“I’ve noticed! I missed you too,” she replied, smiling cutely.

I almost forgot to introduce Dratini. “And this, Elizabeth, is my new companion, Dratini.”

Elizabeth and Maxwell’s eyes changed from a happy look to a concerned look.

“She was being tortured by Team Rocket and was defending herself, Elizabeth! She would never do such a thing just to do it! We were captured by Team Rocket and got the help of Ash to stand up to them! Your grandfather saved our lives,” I said before she could say anything. I was slightly upset at her.

“Okay, I’m very sorry Dratini. You can come live with us,” Elizabeth apologized, a smile coming back.

“However, we have something to announce,” Maxwell declared. He looked at Elizabeth, who reluctantly opened her mouth to speak.

“I’m pregnant,” Elizabeth said eagerly, hoping that we would congratulate her. The room went dead silent.


Name of Story: Hidden
Status of Story: Complete
Pokemon Desired: Dratini
Characters Needed: 30-40k
Characters Now: 31.6k
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Last edited by Shozuka; 09-06-2009 at 06:29 PM.
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  #3  
Old 06-28-2009, 04:12 PM
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Default Re: Hidden

This is finally the end to the story. This was the longest story I have ever written, and the hardest Pokemon I've ever went for. I am awaiting a grade now.

Nyurgh agreed to grade this story, so this is reserved.
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Old 06-29-2009, 12:08 AM
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Default Re: Hidden

Introduction: You introduce us to a Pokemon, the trainer, and the trainer's boyfriend. You had good description, which gave me the image of a fancy house that they lived in. You made it pretty clear that the Pokemon did not like Maxwell. Nice work here.

Plot: A young girl and her Charmander are having trouble with the Pewter City Gym Leader, Brock. A fire breaks out, said to be caused by a Dratini. Misty appears, the smell of the salty air caused Charmander to run away. After some exploring, Elizabeth's house was destroyed and Charmander was Poke-napped. It fought alongside Dratini to protect it from Team Rocket. It's not too complicated, but it isn't very simple either.

Description: You described everything wonderfully. How the Caterpie felt as they crawled around Charmander, what Dratini looked like as it dragged Charmander away, and what a gym leader who spent most of her in the water smelled like. I was impressed quite frankly.

Grammar: I didn't pick-up any major spelling/grammar errors. You did, at one point, use for instead of from, but I'll write that off as a typo. Of course, this doesn't mean you can relax in this area from now on.

Length: Dratini is a Complex Pokemon, it is recommended to have 30,000-40,000 characters. You had 30,254, barely made it.

Battle: That battle with Team Rocket was great. I liked how you fully described the effects of poison, Arbok's painted belly, and the size of Lickitung. What disappointed me though was that you didn't battle Dratini.

Outcome: Everything was fine, except that you didn't battle Dratini. A battle with the Pokemon you want to catch always helps, and I'm sure you would've made it a great one.

Dratini Captured! This was a Borderline Capture, just so you know. The battle with Team Rocket kind of made up for not battling Dratini, but I'm sure you could have added a battle against Dratini in there. Remember that next time.
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Old 06-29-2009, 12:17 AM
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Shozuka Offline
 
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Thanks for grading the story! I'll add the Pokemon on my URPG stats soon. ^ ^

Yeah, I should have added a battle with Dratini. It would have lengthened the story as well.
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