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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 07-15-2009, 06:22 PM
The Burmy Offline
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Default The First Encounter - Journal of a Trainer (READY FOR GRADING)

The First Encounter
Journal of a Trainer
written by DK


Pokemon Going For: Kricketot
Difficulty: Easiest
Characters Needed: 3-5k
Characters: 5,808

There I was walking along the dirt filled pathway with grass covering the sides and the trees looming over my head with small spots of sunlight breaking through. It was a pretty warm day so I wore a white t-shirt, blue swimming trunks, and brown sandals. My long black hair that I wished had got cut swayed along with the cool wind breeze that felt good against my peach colored skin. I was on my way to Jubilife City where I would do some fun activities such as battling, swimming in the local pools, ecetera.

I took a bottle of water from the light blue bag I was carrying and took a drink out of it. This heat was really getting to me and I had to do something to cool myself down. Up ahead I could see a whole crowd of people surronding a small wooden stand. I started to run so I could see what was happening because it looked like a big commotion.

I stood behind the large group of people and looked up at the sign above the wooden stand. It read "Pokemon Catching Contest, Admission is free, but bring your own Pokeballs!". I got excited and tried to push my way through the crowd of people, but I was pushed back. It seemed like everyone was signing up for the contest and lining up at a white chalk line near the entrance of Route 202.

I picked myself up and walked over to the stand to see that the entire white sheet of paper was filled from top to bottom with trainers' names. My excitement plummeted and I turned back and walked towards the metropolis-like Jubilife City when a small old man stopped me in my tracks. He had long white sideburns hanging from the side of his face and he had black sunglasses and a tuxedo on. He looked like someone from the FBI so I got a little nervous.

"Hey, won't you sign up for the contest?," said the frail old man whose voice sounded really light.

"Um.... the list is full so..."

"So what? If you pay me a minimum of one hundred poke dollars I'll let you in. Do we have ourselves a deal or what?" interuppted the old man.

Without a thought in my mind I took out one hundred of my poke dollars and handed it to the old man. He smiled and counted the money as I ran off into the adjacent forest. I knew my way through this Route so I quickly made my way to the deepest part of the Route. There was no one there which was good so I secured my spot and waited in the lush green bushes.

Within a couple of minutes a small cricket like creature emerged from the nearby bushes and approached the two small oran berries that were laying on the grass covered ground. This kricket like creature was mainly red in color, with a white collar-like feature across its neck and a white streak down the front of its body. It has two black antennae that are similar to a mustache. This was my chance, I had to take the opportunity and catch this Pokemon.

Before I could even take out a Pokeball a whole swarm of Starly flew in and attacked the small Kricketot. I watched as the three Starly pecked and kicked this poor creature down to the ground. I couldn't take much more of this so I took out a Pokeball and tossed it into the air. The small red and white ball opened releasing a white beam that took the form of my starter Pokemon, Piplup.

Piplup resembles a penguin chick and it has yellow feet and a light-blue body. There are two white spots on its chest that seem to resemble buttons on a suit. It also appears to have a blue cape. It has a circular, blue head with white circles around its eyes and a small, yellow beak.

"Use Bubble on those Starly!," I commanded as Piplup spit out bubbles towards the Starly. The bubbles hit the Starly and made a little explosion on contact with their white and black feathered bodies. They didn't like it and they flew towards us at a high speed. It appeared to be using Quick Attack and they rammed their heads into both me and my Piplup. "Urghh.... use another Bubble on them Piplup!"

Piplup spit out more Bubbles which missed the Starlys and they flew in for another Quick Attack which knocked us off our feet this time. This was starting to get annoying, but I couldn't do anything about it. It was me and my Piplup versus three Pokemon that seemed to be stronger than my Piplup. As we were trying to get onto our feet we looked up to see the Starly flying towards us once again for yet another Quick Attack.

When we thought that we were going to get hit the Kricketot that we saved leaped forward and protected us with it's small body. When I looked over to see if the Krickeot was alright I noticed that it was glowing a snow white color. The Kricketot got back onto it's small feet and stood before us in a defensive position. The Starly tried another Quick Attack which hit Kricketot succesfully, but something different happened this time around.

As soon as the Starlys' beaks even touched the skin of Kricketot it burst into a large explosion that knocked out all three of the Starlys. I was stunned by Kricketot and I figured out what move it used. It was using Bide which is a move that becomes more powerful from taking damage. The Kricketot walked over slowly towards us and rubbed it's little head against my body.

I smiled and knew that this Kricketot was thankful so I pet the little creature and stood up. I returned my Piplup to it's respective Pokeball and made my way back towards the dirt pathway. Little did I know that the Kricketot was following my every step so I took out an empty Pokeball and pressed the center button of it against Kricketot's head. I took the Pokeball and placed it in my bag and made my way out of Route 202.

When I walked out of the forest and out of Route 202 I saw the same group of people that I saw earlier carrying five to ten Pokeballs in their arms. I didn't really care if I lost the contest, I'm just glad that my first encounter with a wild Pokemon ended up in a succesful capture...
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  #2  
Old 07-18-2009, 01:42 AM
Elrond's Avatar
Elrond Offline
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Default Re: The First Encounter - Journal of a Trainer (READY FOR GRADING)

Introduction:

Meh, the introduction was only so-so. For an Easiest-category ‘mon, I suppose that’s alright, but for harder Pokemon you’re going to need to work on how you start off your stories. The introduction is supposed to pull the reader in so they’ll be eager to read more. So people do this with a heated action scene, some with a loud noise, some with a really detailed description of some far-out setting. Find the thing that works for you and use it to its fullest potential so your reader isn’t bored right off the bat. In general, what this introduction here needed was more vivid description. You had enough for me to get a basic picture of the setting and character, but I would have liked more detail. That should spice up your intros at least a little bit.

Plot:

The plot was very basic, which is only to be expected for a Pokemon that you’re catching within a space of 5k characters. Now, I’ve seen some really amazing, really short stories, but I’m not going to worry about the plot too much here, because Kricketot is an Easiest-category ’mon. But, for the future it’s a good idea to take into account that harder Pokemon require more creative, developed plots, with plot twists to keep the reader interested.

Detail/Description:

As I alluded to earlier, you did include some description, but it wasn’t as detailed as I would have liked, and definitely not as much as would be expected for most of the harder categories. Description is hugely important because it’ll allow the reader to get a picture of what’s going on. Without that, the story becomes bland and the reader becomes bored or confused. Overall, I would simply suggest devoting a little more time in your stories for vivid descriptions, with lots of descriptive adjectives. Make sure you have a detailed image of what you’re describing in your own head, so the reader will, too.

Just as a note, it’s a bad idea to use the word, “etcetera,” in a story. First of all, you misspelled it (it was somewhere near the beginning), but it’s simply unneeded. If you can’t find anything else to write about, such as things to do in Jubilife City (where you used it), then simply end the sentence.

Grammar/Spelling:

Overall, your grammar was fine, but there were a few rough patches. First, I’d like to mention one situation that came up a couple of times:

Quote:
Piplup resembles a penguin chick and it has yellow feet and a light-blue body. There are two white spots on its chest that seem to resemble buttons on a suit. It also appears to have a blue cape. It has a circular, blue head with white circles around its eyes and a small, yellow beak.
Now, this paragraph may look fine to you. Why? Because you don’t have the rest of the story to compare it to. However, there is a big issue in comparison to the rest of the text, and that is that this paragraph was written entirely in present tense, while everything else was in past tense. Just to refresh your memory, present tense means you’re telling the story as it happens, and past tense means you’re telling it after the fact. Since this story mainly uses the latter, this paragraph should have looked something like this:

Quote:
Piplup resembled a penguin chick, and it had yellow feet and a light-blue body. There were two white spots on its chest that seemed to resemble buttons on a suit. It also appeared to have a blue cape. It had a circular, blue head with white circles around its eyes and a small, yellow beak.
In this paragraph, it didn’t cause a huge problem, but sometimes, when you switch back and forth between tenses, it can become very confusing for your reader.

Quote:
Piplup spit out more Bubbles which missed the Starlys and they flew in for another Quick Attack which knocked us off our feet this time.
First of all, this sentence was a bit of a run-on. I would have broken it up into two sentences. Secondly, you here slipped accidentally into present tense when you wrote, “this time.” The best way to fix it, in my opinion, would be to simply omit the “this time.”

Lastly, you misspelled “cricket” as “kricket.” I laughed, simply because I could tell you did it because of the Pokemon you were writing for. But, it is good to note that this is the kind of thing you probably could have found with a simple spell-check or proofreading.

Length:

Fine, obviously.

Battle:

Hmmm. Well, it was interesting to see that, instead of a battle against the target Pokemon, it was on your “side,” so to speak. In general, I thought the battle was fairly well done, especially for an Easiest-category Pokemon. You included some rather nice descriptions, so I can only say that more vivid ones would have been even better, and I can’t really criticize you on length given the Pokemon it’s for. When you write for harder ‘mons, just remember that more creative battle strategies and exciting descriptions will keep your reader engaged and make the battle enjoyable.

Overall:

Well, it wasn’t absolutely stunning, but for me to fail an Easiest-category Pokemon, it would have to be much, much worse. In case you haven’t guessed already, Kricketot captured. Good job, and I hope you continue to write stories. Enjoy your icky bug thing. ^_^
__________________

Quote:
SotaOMG (10:05:46 PM): i think stunky is sexy
iamnotyou11 (10:05:54 PM): Soda stop being gay
supermonkey07@cox.net (10:06:03 PM): ironic statement?
<URPG>
I can probably take some grading requests now. But don't all rush me at once. :/

Last edited by Elrond; 07-18-2009 at 02:12 PM.
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  #3  
Old 07-19-2009, 12:59 AM
The Burmy Offline
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Fudge City
Posts: 861
Default Re: The First Encounter - Journal of a Trainer (READY FOR GRADING)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elrond View Post
Introduction:

Meh, the introduction was only so-so. For an Easiest-category ‘mon, I suppose that’s alright, but for harder Pokemon you’re going to need to work on how you start off your stories. The introduction is supposed to pull the reader in so they’ll be eager to read more. So people do this with a heated action scene, some with a loud noise, some with a really detailed description of some far-out setting. Find the thing that works for you and use it to its fullest potential so your reader isn’t bored right off the bat. In general, what this introduction here needed was more vivid description. You had enough for me to get a basic picture of the setting and character, but I would have liked more detail. That should spice up your intros at least a little bit.

Plot:

The plot was very basic, which is only to be expected for a Pokemon that you’re catching within a space of 5k characters. Now, I’ve seen some really amazing, really short stories, but I’m not going to worry about the plot too much here, because Kricketot is an Easiest-category ’mon. But, for the future it’s a good idea to take into account that harder Pokemon require more creative, developed plots, with plot twists to keep the reader interested.

Detail/Description:

As I alluded to earlier, you did include some description, but it wasn’t as detailed as I would have liked, and definitely not as much as would be expected for most of the harder categories. Description is hugely important because it’ll allow the reader to get a picture of what’s going on. Without that, the story becomes bland and the reader becomes bored or confused. Overall, I would simply suggest devoting a little more time in your stories for vivid descriptions, with lots of descriptive adjectives. Make sure you have a detailed image of what you’re describing in your own head, so the reader will, too.

Just as a note, it’s a bad idea to use the word, “etcetera,” in a story. First of all, you misspelled it (it was somewhere near the beginning), but it’s simply unneeded. If you can’t find anything else to write about, such as things to do in Jubilife City (where you used it), then simply end the sentence.

Grammar/Spelling:

Overall, your grammar was fine, but there were a few rough patches. First, I’d like to mention one situation that came up a couple of times:



Now, this paragraph may look fine to you. Why? Because you don’t have the rest of the story to compare it to. However, there is a big issue in comparison to the rest of the text, and that is that this paragraph was written entirely in present tense, while everything else was in past tense. Just to refresh your memory, present tense means you’re telling the story as it happens, and past tense means you’re telling it after the fact. Since this story mainly uses the latter, this paragraph should have looked something like this:



In this paragraph, it didn’t cause a huge problem, but sometimes, when you switch back and forth between tenses, it can become very confusing for your reader.



First of all, this sentence was a bit of a run-on. I would have broken it up into two sentences. Secondly, you here slipped accidentally into present tense when you wrote, “this time.” The best way to fix it, in my opinion, would be to simply omit the “this time.”

Lastly, you misspelled “cricket” as “kricket.” I laughed, simply because I could tell you did it because of the Pokemon you were writing for. But, it is good to note that this is the kind of thing you probably could have found with a simple spell-check or proofreading.

Length:

Fine, obviously.

Battle:

Hmmm. Well, it was interesting to see that, instead of a battle against the target Pokemon, it was on your “side,” so to speak. In general, I thought the battle was fairly well done, especially for an Easiest-category Pokemon. You included some rather nice descriptions, so I can only say that more vivid ones would have been even better, and I can’t really criticize you on length given the Pokemon it’s for. When you write for harder ‘mons, just remember that more creative battle strategies and exciting descriptions will keep your reader engaged and make the battle enjoyable.

Overall:

Well, it wasn’t absolutely stunning, but for me to fail an Easiest-category Pokemon, it would have to be much, much worse. In case you haven’t guessed already, Kricketot captured. Good job, and I hope you continue to write stories. Enjoy your icky bug thing. ^_^
Woohoo, if failed an Easiest gategory I wouldn't be able to live with myself ever again. Thanks.
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