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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 09-06-2009, 09:20 PM
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Default Magic Karpet

Magic Karpet


It was noon, and the sun angled the area at approximately 90 degrees, making it the hottest time of the day. People lay on the unscathed, dirt path, yearning for food and for something to quench their thirst. Buildings that dated back to the 20th century lined the path; each building gray with several holes, cracks, and stains inside and out – these were the homes of the civilization.

“We must head north before the sun rests, and seek a sacrifice for Jhatu. Our God will not be pleased if we do not hurry, so we must travel to the Land of Sacred Tears. And since it is nearly impossible to do so, we must locate the Magic Karpet and gain hold of its powers, for it may be the only known way to reach there,” one of the men from the land’s decentralized government said. He was cloaked in a white robe from neck-to-ankle. His brown face almost completely covered by two brown cloths tied tightly together.

“Yes, the sun is high, we may have time to gather our Pokeballs and weapons. Did you bring the gold, round object? I believe the Americans call it a compass,” Ghandi responded. His aged, wrinkly face resembled that of a raisin. Unlike the official from the government, Ghandi wore basically nothing, just a long white towel tied around his waist, and dragging on the dirt path.

This civilization had some major religious beliefs, but the belief of a golden Magikarp rose amongst the rest. The sun started to set, barely touching the horizon, which caught the attention of the Ghandi and the official. Ghandi brought his belongings, including Pokeballs, Pokemon, a lamp, and a compass, and walked to the abandoned alley to meet up with the official.

“Greetings,” the official said. He was wearing a long, black robe that covered his body, and allowed him to somewhat blend in with the night.

They both shook hands and walked off. Ghandi twisted the tight switch to turn the lamp on, and the bright light lit up a large radius in front of them, making it possible to see. After passing several remains of dead Pokemon and broken objects, they reached their destination. A gold light emerged from the lake that reached the heavens. Ghandi reached for his lamp and turned it off seeing as the need for it became obsolete.

“Ghandi, we’ve made it! We must hurry, we can’t keep our God waiting!” the official ran off towards the shore, as his robe swiftly swung behind him, unexpected of what may happen for his carelessness.

“Hey, wait up!” Ghandi ran along behind him, reaching in his pocket for his Pokeball. The lake stopped glowing, and grew darker as if an immense body mass surfaced the water waiting to leap out.

Water launched towards the sky and showered back down, as a large, golden Magikarp floated atop the lake, staring at us as if it were judging us. This Magikarp simply was twenty times the size of an average Magikarp, possibly even the size of a fully-grown Gyarados.

“Don’t make any sudden movements. It appears to be judging us, and will only help us in our quest for the God if we are only of pure heart,” Ghandi said to the official, as they both stood there motionless.

Gold rays shot from the Magic Karpet’s eyes and surrounded them to test if they were pure of heart. The rays intensified, and started to increase the gravity of everything being tested. Ghandi and the official were losing the will to stand up, hoping that the judgment would be complete soon.

“I…I can’t make it,” the official fell flat on his knees upon the shifty sand. He rubbed his face, and rose back up to his bare feet.

The rays exerting from the Magikarp’s eyes came to a sudden stop. The Magic Karpet started to swiftly swim away, and then turned sharply, as it charged towards the official.

“What… the hell?” Ghandi remained motionless in complete disbelief of what he just saw. He started to wonder if the official was actually corrupt after all.

The official jumped back and reached in his pocket for a spherical, red and white Pokeball. He clutched it in his hands, and then tossed it high.

“Go, Jolteon!” he shouted into the sky. A smirk consumed the lower half of his face, which still was barely visible with the robe covering it.

The white light from the Pokeball faded away, revealing the yellow dog that stood firmly on the sand. Electrical discharges surged through its body, as it locked its eyes on the giant Magikarp charging towards the two of them.

“Jolteon, Thunderbolt!” the official commanded the dog.

Jolteon charged, and then shot a strong electrical shock at the Magic Karpet. Magikarp dodged the thunderbolt, and continued on with Tackle.

The force of the slam knocked Jolteon at least five feet away and into the official. The official tried to get up, but was still exhausted from the intense rays moments ago.

“I don’t know if I should help,” Ghandi silently stood in his spot talking to himself. He tightly clutched his fist together and felt both helpless for not assisting, and strong for having the will to defy his authority.

Jolteon wasn’t hurt as much as the official, and rose up. Without any orders from its owner, the yellow dog charged the stored energy within itself to use Discharge. Electricity shot out from all sides of Jolteon and towards Magic Karpet.

The Magikarp went underwater to dodge it, but the Discharge spread out throughout the lake and hit the fish very hard.

“Good job… Jolteon. I think we may have finished it off,” he remained on the floor after congratulating his Jolteon.

A moment of dead silence passed, and the Magikarp leaped out of the lake – it was using Bounce.

Jolteon stood there this time to await the official’s orders. It looked up and focused on Magic Karpet’s large size. The fish reached its highest peak and started to dive straight down towards the two.

“Jolteon, I want you to jump towards the Magikarp while it’s in the sky and use Thunderbolt!” the official shouted with confidence.

Jolteon leaned back a little, then leaped high and barely grasped itself to Magic Karpet’s back. Jolteon charged itself to full power to make this the final blow, and released an amazing display of electricity shot directly on the Magikarp’s back.

The Magikarp took immense damage from being shocked directly on its back, and dove straight down to the shore. Jolteon jumped off Magic Karpet and ran back to the official.

“Go Pokeball!” he tossed an empty Pokeball towards the injured Magikarp. The Pokeball opened up and consumed the fish inside with a bright, red ray. It shut tightly and fell straight to the ground. The ball shook once, twice…
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  #2  
Old 09-06-2009, 09:21 PM
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Default Re: Magic Karpet

Pokemon: Magikarp
Characters: 6,516
Status: Complete
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  #3  
Old 09-06-2009, 09:31 PM
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Default Re: Magic Karpet

I absolutely claim this one. =o
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  #4  
Old 09-07-2009, 02:52 AM
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Default Re: Magic Karpet

Damn, I'm good.

Introduction:
I loved the title. It made me chuckle.

Anywho, the introduction was a nice, descriptive introduction giving us the surroundings. I learned of the situation, the characters and was even given the awesome idea of sacrifice. (That's not a common Pokemon theme, if you hadn't guessed. I honestly think it should be done more. Makes the series more interesting!) Whatever. Great intro. =D

Plot:
I read a lot of Magikarp stories in preparation to become a grader. I must say, this is in the top five most unique stories. If I gather correctly, Ghandi and an Official must travel to The Land of Sacred Tears before the sun sets to give a sacrifice to the God, Jhatu. However, they have to find the Magic Karpet (a golden Magkarp) first and harness its powers.

But... I was really confused near the end. What was the deal with the Official? What happened with the "pure of heart" ray? Frm my best guess, I'd say the Official was corrupt and the Magikarp charged him. You should try to be more specific about this part of the plot.

Dialouge:
You had plenty of dialougue that was executed well. I didn't see any problems here.

Grammar:
Only a few quick things here, because your grammar is lovely.

Quote:
It was noon, and the sun angled the area at approximately 90 degrees, making it the hottest time of the day.
See the comma before and? You never ever need a comma before "and" since "and" is a connector word. I noticed you did this a lot, so I thought I would point it out for future reference.

The last thing is just because well... I couldn't find a lot and wanted to make the most of things I found. xD
Quote:
A gold light emerged from the lake that reached the heavens.
It's better to say, "A golden light" or "Gold light". It sounds better. (Apparently, Microsoft Word agrees. *laughs*)

Detail:
You had quite a bit of detail, which is rare in a Magikarp story. I loved your word choices when describing the characters.
Quote:
His aged, wrinkly face resembled that of a raisin.
Wonderful.

You described Jolteon, Ghandi, the official. I just wish you put as much detail into the Official's plot.
Still, awesome.

Length:
More than enough for a silly gold fish.

Battle:
A battle between a Magikarp and Jolteon. Gee. I wonder who's going to win. xD
The battle was really short. (But.. Jolteon > Magikarp and junk.)
I just wish Magikarp got in a few more attacks on Jolteon. I mean... He's supposed to be a God, right?

Catching:
There's no way I'm giving you this. Your writing is terrible. I hated this story... >__>



Okay. Seriously? Great Magikarp story. I wish the other ones were like this. Good detail, unique plot. Magikarp Captured!
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