Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Interactive Boards » Creative Writing

Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools
  #286  
Old 10-24-2009, 02:09 AM
Graceful_Suicune's Avatar
Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Ashley's pants
Posts: 4,886
Send a message via AIM to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Yahoo to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Skype™ to Graceful_Suicune
Default Re: Through the Eyes of a Flareon ~ [PG: 13+]

It had been days since I had been near a forest, and the change of atmosphere – smell, sounds, scenery and even the texture of the undergrowth – were all fantastic! I loved forests. I wasn’t sure what Zhol was thinking—she’d been rather grouchy since the start of the day and I hadn’t had a proper chance to talk to her. We had been on the move for a few hours, stopping every once in a while and thankfully coming across rivers we could drown ourselves in (figuratively), and then continuing. It was such an overwhelming relief when we found our first batch of water. Zhol smiled for the first time in the day, and I was so happy that I almost felt like swimming in it! However, such a concept was ruled immediately out.

We had spent a good half an hour by it, and I couldn’t stop lapping up the cool, fresh water that felt so good washing over my tongue and flowing down my throat. I must have swallowed a few mouthfuls of seawater while I was unconscious, because otherwise I don’t know how I would have survived...or, at least, I don’t know how I wasn’t unbearably thirsty the previous night. Being a fire type certainly didn’t help when water was scarce...like on the ship. Koi had been generous enough to share his...body fluid...with me and the others on the three-day trip in the human transportation vehicle, and aside from that I think they gave us a few mouthfuls. I was not surprised to find that some of the pokémon in the cages on the ship...had died even before they were freed...simply because they were dehydrated. It was mainly young pokémon...

“You know what?” I began while Zhol and I raced through shrubs and trees. “Those Rockets killed so many pokémon that day...” I trailed off as a firm frown began to plaster itself onto my face. “Malnutrition and dehydration was one cause, and then how many of us were lost on the battle against imprisonment...” Our paws thudded against the ground as we went, kicking up dirt and crunching leaves. Zhol could run much faster – I could tell – but she was running my pace on purpose. Her arms were flying behind her as she raced, and it was simply amazing how rapidly her legs switched places with each other to propel her forward. I had always loved speed, and being able to run the speed of a sneasel sounded exciting...

I kept my eyes up ahead as I weaved between trees and jumped over burrows and stumps, and avoided ekans if I happened to spot any hidden under the foliage, waiting for prey to wander by. Luckily I was too big.

“I’m glad I was there, though,” I admitted, narrowing my eyes as I extended my four legs while clearing a log. “Fighting for others in need...it just seems like the right thing to do.” I could sense Zhol considering my statement, and I could only imagine that she agreed. After all, what kind of pokémon would think otherwise?

***

A man in a black uniform paced himself as he made his way down a corridor, a collection of three pokémon following him. His black hat that consistently slipped forward on account of how it was too large for his smaller head fell over his eyes yet again as he glanced down at his fidgeting fingers. Everyone had been deliberately laughing at him for being chosen to see the boss... They constantly mentioned the dangers of angering the boss, or even having to deal with him when his temper dictated his thoughts, and the newly-joined Team Rocket minion was not looking forward to facing him.

He kept up his pace until reaching the boss’ door, which he stopped before and took several deep breaths. He muttered reassuring words to himself under his breath, his eyes closed, and looked as if he was counting things on his fingers. He finally mustered the courage to take another step, but hesitated before turning the knob on the closed door. Once he entered, he swallowed hard, ushering the three assorted pokémon into the room and directed them to the desk situated near the back of the small room. He cowardly followed.

Behind the plain desk sat a tall black chair that widened out at the top. On the desk was a phone, along with stationery, papers and blueprints, and a white mug with various stains. The desk itself had probably been one of great value when it was new, but the varnish had been scraped off in places and dirtied with marks. Around the room were a few things: a bookshelf (that looked as if it hadn’t been sorted through in a while) to the left, several cabinets to the right, and a screen fixed to the back wall—the one he and his boss were both facing.

“B-boss?” started the young man, “I’ve brought th-the three el-eligible pokémon...sir.” The chair didn’t move, and as the screen on the wall flashed with different images, the man waiting assumed that he was busy. Fearing he didn’t hear him, he spoke again. “...Boss?”

The screen’s image shrunk to nothing as a tink sounded. The man held his breath as he realised he may have upset his superior, and he waited in angst with a straightened back to be acknowledged. The chair creaked slowly around, and a man with smooth, dark hair and a shady face showed himself to his follower. He was wearing a suit with a black tie, and his eyes were barely visible under the shadow clouding his face. He placed his elbows on the desk, his five fingers meeting with each other as they straightened. The Rocket grunt seemed to shake almost noticeably as he stared past his boss with vertical arms. The boss seemed not to move his head as his hidden eyes scanned over the pokémon choices, and a gruff sigh escaped his lips. He inhaled, and the minion prepared himself.

“Who chose these?” he questioned, his voice low and serious. The man stuttered.

“Uh—uh, the Beta Admin, sir.”

“Is that a fact or an assumption?”

“U-um...fact?”

“I didn’t choose him to pick a mere YOUNGLING!” he raged, getting to his feet and tossing an arm to the right. His other hand slammed against the solidness below him as he yelled his last word. The young Rocket breathed uneasily as he continued to stand as straight as he could, fear surging through him. He tried his best not to fall backwards.

“I-it’s a very good fighter, s—”

“How could one of THOSE be a GOOD FIGHTER?!” he exclaimed, flecks of his saliva spraying onto the desk’s surface.

The Rocket cringed, his eyes closed. “They were all tested,” he informed, fighting the instincts that told him to flee. “It’s only young, but there’s something amiss with its—its...with how it grew.” The boss appeared to stop his heavy breathing, his teeth becoming unclenched and his arms lowering to his side. He stood tall and broad as his minion continued. “It was...trained very hard by its trainer...and has the mental c-capacity of an adult po-pokémon.” The boss maintained his frown, not easily convinced. “His trainer was killed on—on the 700-T, and another trainer brought him back, s-so now he doesn’t belongs to any, anyone...e-except you, sir.”

To this the Rocket’s superior ran a hand across his stubble. He lifted an eyebrow in disbelief. “Demonstrate.”

Not ten seconds later, a stout pokémon was brought in held inside a cage. It had its hands wrapped around the cage’s bars, and its angry eyes showed its fury. It was thrashing about in the cage, unable to free itself, and seemed barely tame if tame at all. The Rocket carrying it didn’t stop to shock it with a Rocket taser he pulled from his pocket, a device that emitted an electrical shock current to be sent throughout the subject’s body, thereafter incapacitating them. They were specially designed for Team Rocket’s use: silver hand-held weapons with a button in the centre of the top. They were small and convenient to carry in pockets, and were constructed of mainly metal-like plastics and bamboo, and could not be recognised by a metal detector. It was a powerful tool that was easy to store, carry and use.

The purple pokémon’s body locked up in a seizure, and it shook uncontrollably afterward on the floor of the cage, its limbs having given in. The cage was set in the middle of the room and the door was opened. The man holding the cage lifted it up, tilting the pokémon out and onto the floor, still paralysed.

One of the three pokémon who were brought in by the timid Rocket member was told to approach the newly-placed pokémon, and he complied without thinking twice. His one-foot tall body gave his opponent the impression that he was weak and helpless, but the small, rounded pokémon had a menacing grin. His opponent finally got to his feet, still feeling the lasting pain from the electric surge, and stared at the pokémon a third of his size.

The pokémon appearing to still be half in his shell took a deep breath, his eyes altered by the frown accompanying the grin he wore. He analysed the normal type before him. He was mostly bluey-purple, with the exception of his closed mouth that would usually be open, which was maize-coloured. A duo of round twitching ears extended from the sides of his head. Four blunt teeth were revealed as the loudred opened his mouth. He appeared overtaken by rage, and he let out a deep rumble from within his throat—the one that was connected directly to his torso. He stamped his feet repeatedly, sneering at the minor threat which he had a difficult time finding intimidation for.

However, the first of three specifically chosen pokémon barely had to ready himself. The six cream spikes standing erect on his head did not waver with effects of timidness.

“Metronome,” commanded the boss out of concern, the pokémon leisurely swayed his tiny cream paws, neutral sparks dancing between them. A gust of wind erupted from the two limbs, and a miniature tornado was sent spinning horizontally forward. It swept past the loudred as he braced himself in the centre, the sharp wind currents buffeting him and scraping at his skin. The attack was cut off, and the normal type lunged toward the smaller pokémon, his feet out in front. He came down onto the togepi, but the younger pokémon seemed anything but fazed.

“You’re willing to fight for them?” spat the loudred, his stomp attack having hit his opposition head-on. The togepi only smiled, his unusual blood-red eyes coming into effect and washing over the loudred’s astounded face.

“Metronome again,” the boss said, both arms outstretched as he braced himself against the desk’s surface.

The togepi’s arms waggled back and forth under the pressure of another pokémon on top of him and magnificent light flashed, illuminating the whole room and causing everyone looking to shriek and protect their eyes—including the loudred, who stumbled backwards and held his two paws to his eyes. Again the egg-like pokémon leisurely moved his paws, and this time he was shot forward and he slammed into his advisory, streaks of light in his wake.

The swift move was one unable to be evaded, and due to the blindness the loudred’s eyes currently withstood, he was condemned to miss his following attacks and was hit by his enemy’s. He attempted to lunge, but his legs weaved and a thud rang out as his face was planted into the carpet. He seemed to get all the more frustrated, but had no time to express it as the togepi instantaneously became encased with sharp rocks suddenly summoned, and they flung forward onto the loudred, the pokémon reacting with a sharp cry of pain. The togepi didn’t seem to sympathise with his foe, and instead swung his paws back and forth. This time, a wicked sphere of cerulean energy formed between them, and it crackled as white colour mixed in. The sphere acquired ebony tinges before it grew to be nearly the size of the pokémon wielding it, and with a grunt, the tiny pokémon jerked backwards as he released the ball. The loudred was witnessed getting to his feet and having not a second to bellow in fright before an aura sphere pounded into him. The boss’ eyes were wide as light exploded and the unconscious pokémon stayed airborne until it whammed into the front of the desk.

A heinous smirk slithered onto the boss’ face, his eyes becoming darker once more. For now, he was pleasantly glad to have been initially wrong about the chosen pokémon...

***

I had been lucky to avoid discovering Zhol’s temper. Angering the sneasel seemed like the worst mistake I could make—even though I could only guess how scornful she would act. She had been withdrawn and quiet ever since I had woken, and I still hadn’t figured out why.

Her prey-catching skills were very sharp, and she was particularly good with catching fish. I knew that humans use a long line of fine, tough plastic attached to some sort of flexible pole as well as simple spears (which were only really used when their technology hadn’t begun to bloom). I learned that Zhol didn’t need a spear—her claws were so sharp that she could pierce a solid rock if she really tried. And all she had to do to capture prey was focus, aim and plunge her fist into the rushing river. I had taken a seat on the bank to watch, not even thinking about venturing into the water or even onto the steppingstones Zhol squatted on to score our food. I was also glad to have had her sharing the fish with me—a lot of pokémon would probably keep it all for themselves on account of how they caught it, which, although practical, could also be seen as selfish. Especially when with another whose skills for hunting were unsharpened. Nevertheless, Master had always encouraged me to catch my own meals. Although...Izante usually did the majority of the hunting. This was, after sitting next to the river and simply watching my sneasel friend catch dinner, specifically why Zhol instructed me to collect (by what means I wasn’t sure) any berries that happened to be growing anywhere in the area. So, compliantly, I had wandered off.

I hummed quietly to myself while scanning shrubbery for any signs of juicy fruit I could possibly lug back, but spied nothing useful. The forest we were venturing through was a repeated scene as far as the eye could see, and for an hour I had been looking for fruit without success. The underlay was composed mostly of dry pine needles – which had turned a copper colour – along with other extremely tall trees’ leaves which happened to drop. The trees themselves stretched up for ages before they stopped, giving the impression that they were still growing. Their branches obscured any patch of sky, and as a result the forest was constantly darker than a normal day would be. It was also colder, but being a fire type, I didn’t feel it as much as other pokémon may have been able to.

I proceeded forwards, coming to a stop when I scented something. It was extremely faint, but as I lifted my muzzle and put my nose to work, I caught a whiff of another type of plantation. Excited, I raced up the growing hilly forest, passing tree after tree as the scent began to strengthen. Once atop the slope, I needed not to glance about for long before laying eyes on a row of berry bushes at the foot of the small hill. The forest still stretched on for kilometres each way, looking the same, although there was a row of shrubs lining the hill’s bottom that went off left and right.

The path was thicker beyond the bushes of fruit, and shrubs were more abundant. It was a better environment for stalking prey due to more coverage and the opportunity for hiding behind just about every plant and tree. If I happened to spy a bird pokémon or something along the lines of small, vulnerable prey, I might just have had a chance to snag it. It would most likely boost Zhol’s mood, and I would feel more useful. But if I was unable to find food with meat, I would have to return to my friend with what the bushes provided, which, although less desirable, was my original intent anyway.

I wasn’t sure if sneasel generally ate berries. I wasn’t too fond of them myself, but I did enjoy some sweetness on my tastebuds once in a while, and they were that satisfying that I would certainly eat them or any other fruit if there was nothing else available.

I only had to run about twenty metres before tumbling into a bush growing nose-sized red berries, and I got to my paws and shook off so I could encase one in my mouth before tugging it off the stalk it was connected to. I bit down – regretting it as soon as I discovered the pip – and chewed the flesh, ejecting the hard centre. The odd flavour filled my mouth, making me raise my cheek muscles in response to its sourness. I decided the particular one I was testing was unripe, but I finished it regardless and swallowed. My eyes squinted and I stuck out my tongue, shaking my head speedily, while widening my mouth. “Eulegh.”

Once the odd taste passed I began searching for a better piece of fruit to taste. I moved on to a bush to my right, padding slowly and assessing the plant’s berry from where I stood. I made a noise of acknowledgement and happily slipped my fangs into the fruit’s skin. I didn’t expect it to be so soft and passive, but apparently it was. I tugged on it, hoping to rip it off the branch it was attached to, but it proved to be an annoying task. The first attempt ended with a bite of the berry in my mouth, the sweetness rushing over my tongue, and I chewed and swallowed, satisfied with the taste if not pleased by it.

The berry itself was shaped like two spheres stuck together—the bottom one larger. At its top was where it connected to the short branch, and the leaves surrounding the stalk attached to the berry were frayed. It was a rich, pinky-purple colour from what I could tell and it was about as tall as my head—but only about half the width. I had taken a chunk from its bottom, and the rest of the berry was still resting in the bush. I moved my mouth to the other side of my face as my brow burrowed, and tried again. This time I bit the thick stalk, and thankfully the fruit dropped and thudded against the earth. It acquired dirt and broken leaves on its exposed flesh wound, but I barely noticed as I snipped another two berries from their stalks and they dinted themselves upon meeting the ground.

The sudden feeling of being watched swept over me like a harmless surf attack. My fur stiffened and I whirled around immediately to catch whatever was spying on me. Peculiar shuffling and fluttering sounded nearby, and something materialised before me, a battle-ready cry being blurted beforehand. I jumped backwards as a frightened reflex before my eyes could focus and, being as clumsy as I was, I stumbled as my paws caught on each other. Being on an angle, I happened to topple into the bushes I had just been pruning and became mangled in the thin twig-branches and leaves.

Continued in next post...
__________________
Everyone who's still stuck here, Pe2k is Dead. It's sad, but it happened. Instead, we moved to...

Pokemon Crossroads!
Pe2k's spiritual successor! :D I'm Suicune's Fire there.

Last edited by Graceful_Suicune; 08-01-2012 at 02:26 PM.
  #287  
Old 10-24-2009, 02:10 AM
Graceful_Suicune's Avatar
Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Ashley's pants
Posts: 4,886
Send a message via AIM to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Yahoo to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Skype™ to Graceful_Suicune
Default Re: Through the Eyes of a Flareon ~ [PG: 13+]

I released a noise of discomfort and fright as the event occurred, and I felt many prodding ends spike into my skin. I heard a troubled gasp and another flurry of rustling as whatever it was zoomed away before I could weave myself out of the bush and onto the ground properly again. I made haste as I collected myself and stood on all-fours, my chest protruding more than usual and my head high as I scanned for predators. Thankfully nobody was there, but I was on my guard for the next twenty or so seconds while keeping dead silent. I waited longer to make sure, and when I realised the only things I could hear were the buzz of crickets and whisper of trees, I began to breathe again.

“What on Earth...was that?” I asked myself. Whatever it was, it had gone. My best bet would be that it became frightened of how strong I looked and fled.

Reconsidering as I glanced to the bushes again, I gave a small smile. My imagination was amusing.

***

I was still puzzled by the strange semi-encounter with a creature. I decided to try to narrow it down. It had to be something light, perhaps, because it managed to creep up on me so silently, but it could’ve been anything to have scuttled away at the speed it did. Judging by how it sounded, it zipped away faster than I could run, but then again I hadn’t seen it go—my face was buried somewhere deep within leaves and branches at the time. I hadn’t even had a look at it before I had my little accident, so in terms of appearance, I had nothing to go off. Even the creature’s colour had been undeterminable in the lack of light, let alone other sorts of detail.

I guessed that it didn’t matter all that much since it had come and gone without causing me harm. I just hoped it wasn’t going to come back for me...with its friends. But then again, how threatening could it really be? I could surely defeat it. Many of them if not all. I was totally strong enough to overcome a pokémon who escaped before I could get to my paws and fight it. ‘Coward,’ I thought sourly. ‘And if it was something small enough for me and Zhol to eat, I could’ve caught it for us!’

I padded through fluffy dirt, sure that I was reaching the site we were resting at. Grains of dirt flew as I kicked with each step, as they would with anyone’s movement, and pattered back down again harmlessly. I stretched my jaws open to yawn sleepily, involuntary and unexplained tears gathering as I repeated the process a number of times in a row. I had stopped exerting energy to support my tail, so the bushy bunch of fur was being dragged behind me. The sleepier I got...the more my thoughts cast me into solemn territory, where thoughts of things I otherwise resisted thinking of lurked in wait. With the tiniest spec of dread, I reminded myself of Izante.

‘I wonder what she’d be doing right now...’ I shook my head furiously, trying to force myself not to think of her in that moment...but it was so hard. To have this friend for years upon years...and to have her suddenly disappear like a flamethrower into the ocean? The mist of what once was? It tore me apart...and thinking about reasons she had to betray me like she did made my nostrils flare with the scrapings of sorrow.

Why did she do it? Wasn’t I her most treasured life-long friend? Wasn’t I the one she could count on until we both no longer drew breath? The progressing thoughts brought that worthless, arrogant persian she was glued to into the picture, and I snorted as soon as he entered my head. Losing my best friend to a disgusting pokémon like that was distasteful, unbelievable and...heartbreaking.

In the midst of my whirring thoughts, I had to drop the four stalks connected to berries that my teeth held in place and shake my head. I clenched my eyes and forced my clawed toes into the earth below. My ears straightened like spikes out of both sides of my head. My muscles locked up as I began to shiver and my nose fizzled. I let out a breath that had built up, the first of my tears following drip by drip.

I tried my hardest not to think about such things as I opened my eyes after having them closed and collected in my mouth the berries by their stalks. I pressed on, knowing that dwelling in my own sorrow wasn’t going to do me any good. ‘But...I don’t understand!’ I yelled silently. ‘Why would she leave if she seemed so at peace?! She could have told me what was wrong, and maybe I could’ve solved it! Friends talk to each other... They sort things out...’ I froze, releasing the fruit, and stared through the darkness. My eyes didn’t waver as I felt a tingle between my shoulder blades. “What if...what if I was never a good friend...?” The breeze drifted by, blowing my tuft lightly to the right. “What if...what if I was too unreliable to talk to about her problems?” I frowned, searching my mind for more answers. I blinked continuously, a frown etching itself onto my face. “Was I even...her friend...at all?”

Panic flooded me from the tip of my ears to the end of my tail, and I was rendered suddenly helpless. My body was still as my eyes began to quiver. They welled with more tears, my vision blurring as the light I could see from the corner of my eye stretched in fuzzy extensions. A droopy, worthless feeling began to stab me with its sharpened point. Maybe...maybe I deserved betrayal. Maybe it was a just punishment for some kind of heightened inadequacy.

‘But better yet...’ my mind began, and I listened quietly. ‘Maybe she only pretended to like you this whole time.’

A fake friendship. Only for it to end with me realising...how it felts to have been played...and eventually abandoned without hesitation. The game was won and I was not the winner.

I felt like I was taking a beating. A truth-awakening beating I should have had a long time ago. To have believed she was a true friend all these years was so foolish. It proved how blind I had been—how caught up in some wonderful adventure I was, only to run head-on into a wall and wake from the dream. And to seriously think that there would be someone who could take her place only ended with another assumption of an inevitable betrayal. Friends, enemies... I was beginning to doubt there was much a difference if the former could become the latter in the flick of an ear, or perhaps was for a long time...longer than anyone had known. And what was the point of a friend when you’re clearly not worthy, or when in the end they’re going to leave with no explanation, only for you to sit on the spot and blame yourself...?

I hung my head, listening to the many thoughts and theories convince me of the truth... I began to feel like something was eating away at me, as if I was some sort of enticing platter for negativity. I dropped onto the ground, weakened eyes gazing emptily at the soil...

...and just wept.

***

I felt ripples down my spine as I heard running water nearby. I hadn’t noticed it before, but there was the faint rushing of a current in the near distance. I suddenly felt cold – something I didn’t often feel – and I warily lifted my eyelids. The woods had become even quieter, and it seemed gloomier all of a sudden. I blinked a few times, noticing the stiffness of the fur under my eyes.

‘Did I...did I doze off?’ I questioned, my head rising to scan the area. I was in the same place I had broken down in, but this time it felt different thanks to the increased surrounding creepiness. I felt my tail keeping my back left leg company, and the berries I was taking back to Zhol were scattered around my muzzle. I couldn’t have dozed off for too long; it seemed like only minutes ago when I slumped down on the spot, and the berries could have been stolen if they were unattended for long—if anyone had the heart to steal from a hungry flareon, that was.
I hauled myself upwards, stretching my legs and feeling heavy afterwards. I lazily moved my head in the direction I sensed the river was in and began to follow my ears as soon as I had collected the fruit. It was an effort, but I managed to do so fairly easily. The wounds in my leg and ear had both become scabs, and I could no longer feel my leg muscles aching when I walked on it, which was good. And they were healing quickly, too.

I travelled for at least a few minutes before crossing paths with a wide and deep river snaking between trees and through the forest. The branches above were more spaced out, and I could see the sky, bluey black and dotted with stars. I set the food by my side and sat down. I lowered my head to the running water and began to lap it into my mouth. The iciness must have cooled my systems and put out some internal flames, and I had to stop drinking to allow my brain to unfreeze. My throat also ached, but I was too thirsty to stop straight away.

“Hi, there. Are you lost?”

I jumped out of my fur, literally almost toppling into the stream and onto the creature before me. I saved myself with a flareon’s agility, luckily, and my heart thumped like a speedy suicune in my chest. I almost let loose a stream of fire in someone’s half-submerged face, but I stopped myself before it left my jaws. At first I hadn’t the slightest idea of what this thing was, but the familiarity of the species hopped into my head. I stared as the creature’s face turned to a frown, and I took a moment to process the situation.

“What do you think you’re doing?” I questioned, rather incredulous. I knew my heart would need time to calm itself, and in the meantime, I planned to find out exactly what this pokémon wanted.

The water type smirked. “A fire type, ‘ey?” I blinked a few times, wondering what he meant. But by his unimpressed expression, he wasn’t too happy about the fact. “Alright, waddaya want?” His eyelids lowered to rest at half-mast, and he climbed out of the water easily despite the current. His whole figure was steel blue and arched, his eyes large with red irises. I watched as he stretched, the single blue curl sprouting from his head bouncing a little, and then hung over his face. His two red cheeks rose with amusement, making me narrow my eyes a little in response. His body appeared slimy and wet – which made sense – and I had to wonder if he was cold or not. Although I was a fire type, being in water for too long – or any cold place for that matter – was a terrible mistake.

“Uh,” I started, flicking my head once or so to rid myself of the sleepiness still lingering. “I was—I was just getting a drink.”

“From this river?” He shook his head. “You’ll be killed; this stuff’s deadly.”

Shivers erupted along my spine, and I couldn’t do anything but stare. I would... I would die? “W-what?!”

“Geez, you scare easy. I’m only pulling your leg!” he laughed. “Lemme cool you off.”

With no warning other than the ambiguous words which sprouted from his mouth, a jet of chilly mud pushed through the air and onto my face, and I cringed and drew back as soon as it hit. I yelped in objection, scrambling backwards and holding up a foreleg in front of my face in some poor attempt to protect it. “Stl-l-l-l-l-l-lpp!” I gurgled through the sloppy grit. The attack was called off, and I spluttered and forced up a hunk of mud, beginning a coughing fit and keeping my eyes squeezed shut. I could imagine him stifling his cruel laughs as I stumbled to the river without opening my eyes, dipping a paw in brusquely to make sure it was there.

I went to slam my face into the water, only to discover rocks just below the surface, and a splitting pain erupted in my head after a collision with one. I let out a loud screech underwater, but unfortunately that used up my breath and I had to rise out of the despicable substance. I sucked in a breath with a wide-open mouth, releasing a cry afterward which was louder than the sound of the river itself. Knowing I still had mud on my face, I dunked it back in carefully this time, and shook it from side to side with the hopes of it washing away.

After what seemed like minutes, I pulled myself from the stream and slumped by its edge, panting repeatedly. I could hear chuckling nearby, and as soon as I had swallowed in mid-pant, I threw my head is his direction, glaring with annoyance. “You idiot!” I roared, but suddenly my anger paused, drawn to something nearby.

“What the hell was he thinking?!” chirped a shoulder flareon—the black one with a blood red mane, horns and little wings. She suddenly appeared hovering to my left, her anger directed at the politoed before me. I was surprised; I hadn’t seen her in a while besides the momentary encounter back on the ship. She always happened to show up, as well as the angelic one, after a bump to the head. Not that THAT affected anything at all!

“He was only trying to help,” insisted the white and gold one with little wings and a halo above her head. She floated by my right, looking at me with an innocent but matured expression.


“Help?! Hah!” spat the demon-like one. “I didn’t know you were so funny!”

“It wasn’t a joke, you simple-minded, rage-driven flareon.” The angel-like one just sat in mid air, her anger controlled if not absent. The other growled, her head lowering and her fur puffing up.

“Uhh...” I butted in, and the two looked at me. I moved my head to each of them at a time. I didn’t really know what to say...so I didn’t.

“What?” insisted the one to my left, but I just shrugged.

“You must have a view of your own,” the angelic one mentioned.

“Well...I do have to agree with you,” I decided, pointing my muzzle at the demonic flareon.

“HAH!” she yelled, crossing to the other one. “She agrees with me and not you.”

“Dusty,” the other one spoke, coming out in front of my muzzle with the other one following. “Don’t let Miss Grumpy here dictate your thoughts. She doesn’t set a good example for anyone to follow.” By this point, the demonic one was fuming again. “Letting scorn control you like you’re its puppet is not the way to go.”

“Hatred is powerful! More powerful than your stupid ‘calm and happiness’ crap.” While speaking part of the sentence, the black and red one danced around and used a silly voice to show her disapproval. “Oh, look at me, Miss I-Know-Everything! Don’t be angry! Don’t seek revenge! Don’t do anything that could possibly hurt anyone.”

The calm shoulder-flareon sighed. “You are so immature...”

“You’re not seriously going to listen to her drabble, are you?” the ash-coloured one questioned.

“Uh—uhh... Well, you gotta be angry and seek revenge sometimes. Bottling up the anger isn’t going to cure anyone,” I admitted.

“Hah! Told ya. My way’s better,” jeered the darker one, reclaiming the left shoulder again with a smug grin and a flaunty gait.

“Dusty, just please don’t make a fool of yourself like my negative counterpart here. Remember to see things from others’ points of view. It’s important for success.” She slowly faded away until she was but nothing. The other one had her tongue poking out as her opposite vanished, but shortly after, she too began to disappear. She had a grin on her face, and as she was seated, her tail flicked back and forth beside her as it rested against the non-existent ground. She still held the naughty smile as she faded completely, and afterwards I took a breath.

I turned to the politoed, noting his perplexed face. It was essentially a frown with an open mouth and confused eyes. “Uhh...are you okay?” he asked with caution. I snorted in a laughing fashion, knowing it wouldn’t make sense to him even if I explained.

I shifted my paws around and paced backwards, then bent my neck down to collect the berries. I glanced back over my shoulder with the stalks through my teeth before I padded away, following the river back through the forest. I imagined he would have sat there for about twenty or so seconds before deciding to splash into the water – as that’s what I heard not too long after – and thankfully he didn’t follow.


~GS.
__________________
Everyone who's still stuck here, Pe2k is Dead. It's sad, but it happened. Instead, we moved to...

Pokemon Crossroads!
Pe2k's spiritual successor! :D I'm Suicune's Fire there.

Last edited by Graceful_Suicune; 08-01-2012 at 02:46 PM.
  #288  
Old 10-24-2009, 11:20 AM
Scytherwolf's Avatar
Scytherwolf Offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Hiding from metal coats...
Posts: 6,989
Default Re: Through the Eyes of a Flareon ~ [PG: 13+]

Yay, new chapter!
Quote:
I couldn’t act friendly to anyone in my current state even if I tried, and for understandable reason, I’d assumed.
'For an understandable'
Quote:
I shivered wildly, a wicked chill edging on the spasm as my fur still dripped. The world span before me,
I think it should be 'a spasm' and 'spun?'
Quote:
I whimpered, knowing that being Flareon didn’t mean
Forgot the 'a.' ^^;
Quote:
In the background, many lifeless bodies lay, their forms having previously lived.
Not really a typo but I think that part was kind of redundant...I think the sentence would be better just ending at 'many lifeless bodies lay.'
Quote:
My head was lowered, and I began gritting my jaw together
Not sure about this, but I think it would sound better as 'jaws?'
Quote:
I spoke, flinging myself to be sitting up.
Kind of sounds odd..maybe 'flinging myself into a sitting position' would be better?
Quote:
Zhol could run much faster – I could tell – but she was running my pace in purpose.
On
Quote:
One of the three Pokémon which was brought in by the timid Rocket member was told to approached the newly-placed Pokémon
Just 'approach.'
Quote:
sneering at the minor threat he thought it to be a joke.
'It' doesn't need to be there. xD
Quote:
My ears straightened like spikes out both sides of my head
Out of both?
Quote:
It was a good thing I didn’t hear him stifling his cruel laughs as I stumbled to the river without opening my eyes, and I dipped a paw in quickly to make sure it was there.
This wasn't really a typo either but I was a bit confused...since it was from her point of view, how would she be talking about it if she didn't hear it? o.O Maybe instead put something along the lines of 'he was probably laughing at me, and if he was I was glad I couldn't hear it...' Or something sort of like that where she thought he might be trying to stifle his laughter?
Quote:
chirped a shoulder Flareon—the black one with a blood red main, horns and little wings.
Mane ^^

Anyway, I really liked this chapter! I think you wrote the emotions really well, particularly when Dusty was thinking about what happened with Izante. I wonder why Zhol didn't try to let Dusty explain to her when she found out she was angry though...I thought she would have realized that Dusty seemed confused. Or maybe she just wasn't willing to talk much at the moment?

That was a really creepy dream Dusty had...I wonder what the larger creature in the dream being her meant.. The description of everything was really good, and for some reasons I really liked the part with the politoed and the shoulder flareons. xD Also...
Quote:
Whatever it was, it had gone. And my best bet would be that it became frightened of how strong I looked and fled.
XDDD That is SO something that Dusty would think! Speaking of which, I wonder what that was...and why it was watching Dusty only to suddenly run away like that.

Keep up the good work! Each chapter I read of this story gets me more excited to read more!
__________________

Thanks to Lunar Latias for the banner and Kirimori for the picture!

-My Links-
  #289  
Old 10-24-2009, 11:48 AM
Graceful_Suicune's Avatar
Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Ashley's pants
Posts: 4,886
Send a message via AIM to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Yahoo to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Skype™ to Graceful_Suicune
Default Re: Through the Eyes of a Flareon ~ [PG: 13+]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scytherwolf View Post
Yay, new chapter!

Forgot the 'a.' ^^;

Anyway, I really liked this chapter! I think you wrote the emotions really well, particularly when Dusty was thinking about what happened with Izante. I wonder why Zhol didn't try to let Dusty explain to her when she found out she was angry though...I thought she would have realized that Dusty seemed confused. Or maybe she just wasn't willing to talk much at the moment?

That was a really creepy dream Dusty had...I wonder what the larger creature in the dream being her meant.. The description of everything was really good, and for some reasons I really liked the part with the politoed and the shoulder flareons. xD Also...

XDDD That is SO something that Dusty would think! Speaking of which, I wonder what that was...and why it was watching Dusty only to suddenly run away like that.

Keep up the good work! Each chapter I read of this story gets me more excited to read more!
Oh, I actually wrote it like that on purpose because you know you can could say 'part Flareon' or 'I am human'? I thought it could kinda work saying being Flareon as in like I was saying being human la la la, but I guess it doesn't work that way. xD

Thanks! I really tried with them a lot. ^^ And Zhol didn't know Dusty was asleep when that was happening--she thought she was awake and therefore didn't know Dusty was confused and she wasn't aware that she had to explain it to her. xD

Oh--that wasn't supposed to be the bigger creature. Someone in the background was the one who leaped--not either of the two silhouettes. Dx I'll just alter that part a little more to make that written better. xD And yeah! I really like the idea of a good side and a bad side, or angry and calm side in this case.

Glad you liked it. x3 And I really liked that part too. xD That particular sentence. It's good you enjoy it. ^^; Hopefully as I get more chapters up it'll progress more. xD

Thanks, Scy. ^^ (By the way I'll have to correct the mistakes in the posts later, but I have in the actual story so I won't forget then at least. xD)

~Xanthe.
__________________
Everyone who's still stuck here, Pe2k is Dead. It's sad, but it happened. Instead, we moved to...

Pokemon Crossroads!
Pe2k's spiritual successor! :D I'm Suicune's Fire there.
  #290  
Old 10-24-2009, 11:56 AM
Scytherwolf's Avatar
Scytherwolf Offline
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Hiding from metal coats...
Posts: 6,989
Default Re: Through the Eyes of a Flareon ~ [PG: 13+]

Oh, ok. It makes sense that way now that I reread it. ^^

And oh, okay, I must have read that wrong...maybe the bigger one was one of the Rockets? *thinks*

All right^^
__________________

Thanks to Lunar Latias for the banner and Kirimori for the picture!

-My Links-
  #291  
Old 10-24-2009, 02:39 PM
Sheepat's Avatar
Sheepat Offline
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Sheep Land
Posts: 1,544
Default Re: Through the Eyes of a Flareon ~ [PG: 13+]

Good Chappy, Graceful Suicune.

My only problem is: Zhol was running from Dusty. Is Zhol still angry at her?

The Togepi LIVES! Nice one. Tooloo totally creamed the Loudred. :D
__________________
Once known as riolu42
  #292  
Old 10-24-2009, 07:59 PM
Pokol DaErran's Avatar
Pokol DaErran Offline
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: To the Batcave!
Posts: 1,288
Default Re: Through the Eyes of a Flareon ~ [PG: 13+]

Normally I wouldn't have much to say about these chapters other than that they were excellent, which is the same thing I always say. Of course, I know you author people live on feedback, so;

1. ...Interesting dream sequence.
2. ...Interesting Togepi, too.
3. LOLSHOULDERANGELSHOULDERDEVIL.
__________________
98% of teens won't post irritating religious fads in their signatures. If you're in that 98%, please continue to do nothing.

  #293  
Old 10-24-2009, 10:38 PM
Graceful_Suicune's Avatar
Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Ashley's pants
Posts: 4,886
Send a message via AIM to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Yahoo to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Skype™ to Graceful_Suicune
Default Re: Through the Eyes of a Flareon ~ [PG: 13+]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scytherwolf View Post
Oh, ok. It makes sense that way now that I reread it. ^^

And oh, okay, I must have read that wrong...maybe the bigger one was one of the Rockets? *thinks*

All right^^
Oh, that's good. xD

Well, at the moment you won't know who it is...but maybe in the future. ;P

Quote:
Originally Posted by riolu42 View Post
Good Chappy, Graceful Suicune.

My only problem is: Zhol was running from Dusty. Is Zhol still angry at her?

The Togepi LIVES! Nice one. Tooloo totally creamed the Loudred. :D
Hehe, thanks. ^^ Glad you think so. ;P

Wait, when was she? And nah, she doesn't really hold grudges...I don't think. O_O

YESH! >:D Thanks. He's part of my plan. >:3 xD He did! I thought you might like to see him. ^^

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pokol DaErran View Post
Normally I wouldn't have much to say about these chapters other than that they were excellent, which is the same thing I always say. Of course, I know you author people live on feedback, so;

1. ...Interesting dream sequence.
2. ...Interesting Togepi, too.
3. LOLSHOULDERANGELSHOULDERDEVIL.
xD Haha, that's okay. I understand. ;P

And lol, thanks! The Togepi is Riolu's guest star, so you can thank him. ^v^

Thanks for the feedback, guys! :D

~Xanthe.
__________________
Everyone who's still stuck here, Pe2k is Dead. It's sad, but it happened. Instead, we moved to...

Pokemon Crossroads!
Pe2k's spiritual successor! :D I'm Suicune's Fire there.
  #294  
Old 10-24-2009, 11:01 PM
Sheepat's Avatar
Sheepat Offline
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Sheep Land
Posts: 1,544
Default Re: Through the Eyes of a Flareon ~ [PG: 13+]

You know, when Dusty had those odd dreams. Something was playing with her.
__________________
Once known as riolu42
  #295  
Old 10-25-2009, 11:58 AM
Graceful_Suicune's Avatar
Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Ashley's pants
Posts: 4,886
Send a message via AIM to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Yahoo to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Skype™ to Graceful_Suicune
Default Re: Through the Eyes of a Flareon ~ [PG: 13+]

Quote:
Originally Posted by riolu42 View Post
You know, when Dusty had those odd dreams. Something was playing with her.
;P Maybe in the far future you'll find out. xD

~Xanthe.
__________________
Everyone who's still stuck here, Pe2k is Dead. It's sad, but it happened. Instead, we moved to...

Pokemon Crossroads!
Pe2k's spiritual successor! :D I'm Suicune's Fire there.
  #296  
Old 10-25-2009, 12:52 PM
KantoChamp46's Avatar
KantoChamp46 Offline
Elite Trainer
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: The great US of A!
Posts: 661
Default Re: Through the Eyes of a Flareon ~ [PG: 13+]

Nice chapter, Xanthe! Although I found the parts with Dusty and Zhol a little slow, the part with the rockets and the super-Togepi XD was pretty interesting. The parts with Dusty and Zhol were important, though, and it was some good reading. It just went kinda slow for me. But then again, there wasn't a whole lot of action in this chapter, so that's understandable I suppose. Great job again. I hope they find the rest of their Pokemon friends soon... wonder what happened to everyone else?
__________________
Fanfiction Archive | URPG Trainer Stats | Coordinator Stats | Faves

98% of teens won't stand up for God. If you're one of the 2% who will, place this somewhere in your signature.

  #297  
Old 10-25-2009, 05:29 PM
Phantom Kat's Avatar
Phantom Kat Offline
ˇCon ganas!
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: In my strretchy pants
Posts: 5,018
Send a message via AIM to Phantom Kat Send a message via MSN to Phantom Kat
Default Re: Through the Eyes of a Flareon ~ [PG: 13+]

Well, I read this as part of all the stories entered in the Fan Fic Contest, so it's only proper to leave a review, especially since you took the time to read Chapter 1 of my story. ^^

Hehe, I was quite surprised to read that most of the story so far has taken place on the ship. Nonetheless, though, the story is certainly interesting, and I've always been a fan of Pokemon being the main characters. My favorite characters so far have to be Rayis and Azure: Rayis because he just seems to suave, and I love Quilava, and Azure because her attitude towards everybody else is so snarky and sour. :P Your writing style is fun to read, although maybe a bit confusing at times. It may mostly be the way your word your sentences sometimes. For example, I remember reading "I bounded to my feet", which made me raise an eyebrow.

You description is spot on (except for the beginning of chapter thirteen and where you didn't even mention they were on land until Dusty was heading towards the forest). When it comes to the description of Pokemon, I feel that you pause the story, describe them, and then continue the story. I especially felt it when Dusty found a Golbat, Meowth, and Hitmochan attacking Chance. The moment was tense and fast and then I'm hit with all these Pokemon description I lost the energy-packed moment in order to read what the Pokemon looked liked. You have to remember that with so many Pokemon all at one time, readers are not going to remember every detail you describe, especially when the Pokemon are only there for a scene or two. Besides, could Dustry really take the time to mentally tell herself what each Pokemon looked like in the time it took her to decide whether to help Chance or not?

In this case, a brief description would be much better, and then you can also take the opportunity of describing Pokemon when they're battling or through other actions if you feel the need to. So, in a nutshell, I have no problems with your Pokemon description (it's some of the best I've seen, really), but when it interrupts the flow of the story, that's when I'm like, "Do I really need all this information?"

And something that has bothered me all thoughout the story: what does Dusty's master looked like? Whenever Dusty mentions her, I just imagine some girl with brown hair (I'm pretty sure you said it was brown). Her Master may not be important to the story, but it just irks me that I can picture one of the most important people in Dusty's life.

However, all of this is just my opinion and some critique I think would benefit you. I really do you like your story, what with its plot that may look cliche but it's really quite clever and imaginitive, its wide array of characters, and the little sub-plot that keeps popping up with Team Rocket and those weird Pokemon. I'll try to catch the next chapter whenever I finish reading all these story entries (yours is the first I managed to finish ._.; ). Good luck, Xanthe! :)

- Kat
__________________

(Banner by the epic Neo Pikachu) TAC Challenge: I'm learning Finnish! ^-^

My Author Profile | URPG Stats | Kat x Bryce
  #298  
Old 10-27-2009, 09:25 PM
Graceful_Suicune's Avatar
Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Ashley's pants
Posts: 4,886
Send a message via AIM to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Yahoo to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Skype™ to Graceful_Suicune
Default Re: Through the Eyes of a Flareon ~ [PG: 13+]

Quote:
Originally Posted by KantoChamp46 View Post
Nice chapter, Xanthe! Although I found the parts with Dusty and Zhol a little slow, the part with the rockets and the super-Togepi XD was pretty interesting. The parts with Dusty and Zhol were important, though, and it was some good reading. It just went kinda slow for me. But then again, there wasn't a whole lot of action in this chapter, so that's understandable I suppose. Great job again. I hope they find the rest of their Pokemon friends soon... wonder what happened to everyone else?
Thanks. ^^ Yeah, I knew that this chapter would be slow and not very interesting, but I wanted it to be that way in order to set the mood kinda groggy and not upbeat or fast so that I could try to dive into a bit of emotion. I'm glad you think so, and yeah--the chapter was supposed to be how it was read, but I hope I'm still keeping readers entertained. ^^;

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantom Kat View Post
Well, I read this as part of all the stories entered in the Fan Fic Contest, so it's only proper to leave a review, especially since you took the time to read Chapter 1 of my story. ^^

Hehe, I was quite surprised to read that most of the story so far has taken place on the ship. Nonetheless, though, the story is certainly interesting, and I've always been a fan of Pokemon being the main characters. My favorite characters so far have to be Rayis and Azure: Rayis because he just seems to suave, and I love Quilava, and Azure because her attitude towards everybody else is so snarky and sour. :P Your writing style is fun to read, although maybe a bit confusing at times. It may mostly be the way your word your sentences sometimes. For example, I remember reading "I bounded to my feet", which made me raise an eyebrow.

You description is spot on (except for the beginning of chapter thirteen and where you didn't even mention they were on land until Dusty was heading towards the forest). When it comes to the description of Pokemon, I feel that you pause the story, describe them, and then continue the story. I especially felt it when Dusty found a Golbat, Meowth, and Hitmochan attacking Chance. The moment was tense and fast and then I'm hit with all these Pokemon description I lost the energy-packed moment in order to read what the Pokemon looked liked. You have to remember that with so many Pokemon all at one time, readers are not going to remember every detail you describe, especially when the Pokemon are only there for a scene or two. Besides, could Dustry really take the time to mentally tell herself what each Pokemon looked like in the time it took her to decide whether to help Chance or not?

In this case, a brief description would be much better, and then you can also take the opportunity of describing Pokemon when they're battling or through other actions if you feel the need to. So, in a nutshell, I have no problems with your Pokemon description (it's some of the best I've seen, really), but when it interrupts the flow of the story, that's when I'm like, "Do I really need all this information?"

And something that has bothered me all thoughout the story: what does Dusty's master looked like? Whenever Dusty mentions her, I just imagine some girl with brown hair (I'm pretty sure you said it was brown). Her Master may not be important to the story, but it just irks me that I can picture one of the most important people in Dusty's life.

However, all of this is just my opinion and some critique I think would benefit you. I really do you like your story, what with its plot that may look cliche but it's really quite clever and imaginitive, its wide array of characters, and the little sub-plot that keeps popping up with Team Rocket and those weird Pokemon. I'll try to catch the next chapter whenever I finish reading all these story entries (yours is the first I managed to finish ._.; ). Good luck, Xanthe! :)

- Kat
Oh, okay. :D I'm glad you left one! It means a lot to me! ^v^

Yeah, I didn't intend on that, but I guess that's what happened. ^^' And, well, the earlier chapters were written last year (somewhere around September or something), and I would've done much more with them if I had been a skilled writer back then, and I've had to go back and add things, and change things like speech grammar 'cause at the time I didn't understand the comma thing and 'she said' would have a lowercase 's' for 'she'. I thought it had to be a period because nobody taught me. xD And I'm glad you like them--it's also good to hear that you have favourites. ^^

Oh, thanks for that. ^v^ Yeah, haha, that's much of the problem--a lot of the time I' too busy having planned the scene in my head, so when I go to write it down I miss things which may not make it seem correct and clear, and, as my English teacher told me, I have an 'indirect' way of teaching. I apparently try to beat around the bush instead of spitting it out and saying what I mean...but I really don't like to, so I word my sentences wrong sometimes and it ends up confusing people. >.< But things like the example you gave there makes sense to me... But I guess if it makes sense to me and not others, it's a little selfish and it's not how I should write. And yeah--I know I pause the story, but I was always told to describe a lot of things in detail so that you'd get a really good idea of their appearance--and I know that most people who would read this know what all the Pokemon look like, but it's no excuse to me. So then I freeze the story and describe...because...well, I don't know how else to do it. But now that you mention it, maybe as they move or do something, I'll point out the thing they do that with and describe it briefly or something...if that makes sense.
But I would more think of it not as she's stopped for that long, but she absorbs the information that quickly. Like a millisecond analysis, but it's just that it takes longer to read than to think. D: AND LOL I JUST REALISED: I actually cut a bit out before posting it which specified they were on land but it didn't fit, so that's where the land indication went! xD I'll have to write another bit in. Thanks for letting me know!

Yeah, but the thing is: it's not that she's not a frequently featured character, but it's rather that I'd want the readers to imagine their own Dusty's master, because...she's someone I don't want people to know too much about and to know the direct appearance of. You can imagine her any way you like. It's hard to explain, but maybe you could think of an appearance yourself based on what you know about her--about what Dusty mentions of her personality. Truthfully, she and Izante's master aren't supposed to have faces...they aren't really supposed to have a look, just like how I haven't given them names...I dunno, but I would prefer that the readers discovered their own versions. x)

Oh, no--it's all very expert advice, I'd say, and I'm very glad to have heard it from you. ^v^ Oh, no...not cliche...I have a fear of cliched things...but I just hate that they exist! I haven't copied an inch of the plot (or characters, scenery--anything!) from anything but my head, and it just annoys me that it would be considered cliche because I can't help it if what I like in a story is used more than once! And sorry, I'm not having a go at you--this is me ranting. >.< Thanks again! :D

By the way, guys--how are you finding the story's humour? Are you finding it...at all?

~Xanthe.
__________________
Everyone who's still stuck here, Pe2k is Dead. It's sad, but it happened. Instead, we moved to...

Pokemon Crossroads!
Pe2k's spiritual successor! :D I'm Suicune's Fire there.
  #299  
Old 10-28-2009, 12:14 AM
Phantom Kat's Avatar
Phantom Kat Offline
ˇCon ganas!
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: In my strretchy pants
Posts: 5,018
Send a message via AIM to Phantom Kat Send a message via MSN to Phantom Kat
Default Re: Through the Eyes of a Flareon ~ [PG: 13+]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune View Post


Thanks. ^^ Yeah, I knew that this chapter would be slow and not very interesting, but I wanted it to be that way in order to set the mood kinda groggy and not upbeat or fast so that I could try to dive into a bit of emotion. I'm glad you think so, and yeah--the chapter was supposed to be how it was read, but I hope I'm still keeping readers entertained. ^^;



Oh, okay. :D I'm glad you left one! It means a lot to me! ^v^

Yeah, I didn't intend on that, but I guess that's what happened. ^^' And, well, the earlier chapters were written last year (somewhere around September or something), and I would've done much more with them if I had been a skilled writer back then, and I've had to go back and add things, and change things like speech grammar 'cause at the time I didn't understand the comma thing and 'she said' would have a lowercase 's' for 'she'. I thought it had to be a period because nobody taught me. xD And I'm glad you like them--it's also good to hear that you have favourites. ^^

Oh, thanks for that. ^v^ Yeah, haha, that's much of the problem--a lot of the time I' too busy having planned the scene in my head, so when I go to write it down I miss things which may not make it seem correct and clear, and, as my English teacher told me, I have an 'indirect' way of teaching. I apparently try to beat around the bush instead of spitting it out and saying what I mean...but I really don't like to, so I word my sentences wrong sometimes and it ends up confusing people. >.< But things like the example you gave there makes sense to me... But I guess if it makes sense to me and not others, it's a little selfish and it's not how I should write. And yeah--I know I pause the story, but I was always told to describe a lot of things in detail so that you'd get a really good idea of their appearance--and I know that most people who would read this know what all the Pokemon look like, but it's no excuse to me. So then I freeze the story and describe...because...well, I don't know how else to do it. But now that you mention it, maybe as they move or do something, I'll point out the thing they do that with and describe it briefly or something...if that makes sense.
But I would more think of it not as she's stopped for that long, but she absorbs the information that quickly. Like a millisecond analysis, but it's just that it takes longer to read than to think. D: AND LOL I JUST REALISED: I actually cut a bit out before posting it which specified they were on land but it didn't fit, so that's where the land indication went! xD I'll have to write another bit in. Thanks for letting me know!

Yeah, but the thing is: it's not that she's not a frequently featured character, but it's rather that I'd want the readers to imagine their own Dusty's master, because...she's someone I don't want people to know too much about and to know the direct appearance of. You can imagine her any way you like. It's hard to explain, but maybe you could think of an appearance yourself based on what you know about her--about what Dusty mentions of her personality. Truthfully, she and Izante's master aren't supposed to have faces...they aren't really supposed to have a look, just like how I haven't given them names...I dunno, but I would prefer that the readers discovered their own versions. x)

Oh, no--it's all very expert advice, I'd say, and I'm very glad to have heard it from you. ^v^ Oh, no...not cliche...I have a fear of cliched things...but I just hate that they exist! I haven't copied an inch of the plot (or characters, scenery--anything!) from anything but my head, and it just annoys me that it would be considered cliche because I can't help it if what I like in a story is used more than once! And sorry, I'm not having a go at you--this is me ranting. >.< Thanks again! :D

By the way, guys--how are you finding the story's humour? Are you finding it...at all?

~Xanthe.
For the example I gave ("I bounded to my feet"), think of it this way: "bound", according to the MS Word dictionary, means: to move quickly and energetically, with large strides or jumps. You don't stride to get to your feet nor do you do it with jumps (you can jump to your feet, but you don't jump three times to do it). If I just read the sentence once without a second glance, "bound" would seem to fit, but if I'm really taking in the sentence, I would notice that "bound" is not the best adverb to use. I guess it's just something you notice when you write yourself.

Yeah, in the URPG, writers are always told to describe as much as you can, but the thing is, when you describe so much that it disrupts the story's flow, it feels like it's too much description, especially when you seem to just list the information as though it was an RP form. Maybe you can try something like this? Like I said earlier, it's just a suggestion, and since you mentioned you might try to vary your description, an example couldn't hurt.

Quote:
Dusty saw the Golbat spread her navy wings, the purper lining on the inside burned with a Flamethrower she had hit it with, and immediately dodged the column of wind it let loose from its wide, gaping mouth.
Here, I get some description of Golbat, but at the same time, the story is still on "Play." Of course, how much descrition you devote to each character/Pokemon is up to you. Maybe you can try some description in actions and some list description when you really want to describe someone in great detail.

(About the Masters' appearance) Ahh, okay, and it's neat that you want us to visualize them by what Dusty and Izante think. I was just unclear as to why they had no description.

Oh no, I'm not saying your story is cliche or close to it. Just saying that at first glance it may seem, but that's merely because of the mention of "Rockets kidnapping Dusty" thing. Also, what story doesn't sound a bit cliche, what with the amount of fan fiction nowadays. :P (And if you think you're ranting, you should here me at school. xD)

- Kat
__________________

(Banner by the epic Neo Pikachu) TAC Challenge: I'm learning Finnish! ^-^

My Author Profile | URPG Stats | Kat x Bryce
  #300  
Old 10-28-2009, 12:10 PM
Graceful_Suicune's Avatar
Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Ashley's pants
Posts: 4,886
Send a message via AIM to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Yahoo to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Skype™ to Graceful_Suicune
Default Re: Through the Eyes of a Flareon ~ [PG: 13+]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Phantom Kat View Post
For the example I gave ("I bounded to my feet"), think of it this way: "bound", according to the MS Word dictionary, means: to move quickly and energetically, with large strides or jumps. You don't stride to get to your feet nor do you do it with jumps (you can jump to your feet, but you don't jump three times to do it). If I just read the sentence once without a second glance, "bound" would seem to fit, but if I'm really taking in the sentence, I would notice that "bound" is not the best adverb to use. I guess it's just something you notice when you write yourself.

Yeah, in the URPG, writers are always told to describe as much as you can, but the thing is, when you describe so much that it disrupts the story's flow, it feels like it's too much description, especially when you seem to just list the information as though it was an RP form. Maybe you can try something like this? Like I said earlier, it's just a suggestion, and since you mentioned you might try to vary your description, an example couldn't hurt.

Here, I get some description of Golbat, but at the same time, the story is still on "Play." Of course, how much descrition you devote to each character/Pokemon is up to you. Maybe you can try some description in actions and some list description when you really want to describe someone in great detail.

(About the Masters' appearance) Ahh, okay, and it's neat that you want us to visualize them by what Dusty and Izante think. I was just unclear as to why they had no description.

Oh no, I'm not saying your story is cliche or close to it. Just saying that at first glance it may seem, but that's merely because of the mention of "Rockets kidnapping Dusty" thing. Also, what story doesn't sound a bit cliche, what with the amount of fan fiction nowadays. :P (And if you think you're ranting, you should here me at school. xD)

- Kat
Yeah, haha, I understand. ^^ When I think of 'bound', I think of jumpy movements, and bounding would be like making a quick movement--and yes, I did use it slightly out of context there. ^^; But I'm glad you pointed these things out--it's helpful and much appreciated. ^v^ Arigato!

Yes, that's exactly what I mean--about how I said that I could describe them as something happened, like what you wrote in the quote. :3 I'll work on that! :D

Hehe, okay. Sounds a little unprofessional the way I want it, probably, but it's just how I'd rather it be--almost like a mystery but not too important. It's kinda like not exposing their identities properly. xD

Oh, haha, that's a relief! *wipes forehead* Yeah, I thought that too...but I didn't want to invent new villains if I could work with them... Plus, sometimes Team Rocket is portrayed as a joke of a syndicate (especially in the anime), which is fine--but I wanted to add a bit more oomph to their reputation. xD And see how it worked out.

Also, just so you know--I don't intend on winning the contest, because I'd rather someone else win. :D I really wanted to enter it for fun, and partly to see how far I'd get. ^^ But I always love to see other people who want things like that get them through hard work and persistence. 8D

~Xanthe.
__________________
Everyone who's still stuck here, Pe2k is Dead. It's sad, but it happened. Instead, we moved to...

Pokemon Crossroads!
Pe2k's spiritual successor! :D I'm Suicune's Fire there.
Closed Thread


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:25 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com