Blessed with a Curse

[riolu42]

A couple of years ago, I joined an RP called "Beacon Battle"

My characters were Zulo the Prinplup, who died, Threevin the Ambipom, who also died, Greevil, a Scizor, and Jacker, a Charmeleon who had odd powers.

I am now telling Jacker's story, of how the odd power was inside of him, how he saved the world from total destruction.

However, I'm a bit rusty at writing right now, but here you are:

Chaper 1

The three beings were in the shadow of their master’s form. They were barely visible, the only light in the cave being from blue flames protruding oddly on skulls that littered the floor.

“Is it done, Adro?” the master asked, his voice wasn’t one, but a thousand at once.

“Yes, master, the Embodiment has been stamped onto the pathetic Charmader,” the one named Adro replied.

“Master, why the young one, cursing him?” a third voice asked, it was polite, but curt.

“Why?” the Master asked, "I shall not tell you, Shalz, nor shall I tell any of you. Only I must know until the time comes. Adro, come into the light."

Adro walked out of the shadow of his master, the sound of scraping as his feet fell to the floor.

His form was humanoid, but his legs were long and stilt-like. His arms were lanky, ending in a three-fingered claw. His entire body was red, orange, and yellow. A long, cream-colored feather came from his head, forking halfway down, and ending at his waist. A single, red scar was running across his head, which protruded slightly, resembling a beak. His species was a Blaziken.

“Adro, as the leader, you are responsible for the success of this mission, you understand?” the Master asked.

“Yes, sir,” Adro replied, he stood still, and Shalz could see him shivering slightly-- not out of cold, but the size of the mission.

"One slight mistake," Adro thought, "and Master will make sure I die."

“Now, wait for the time to come, that’s all,” the Master announced, his voice was excited, like a child about to recieve a reward.

Six years later…..

The fire lizard looked at the man with the stick. Why did this have to happen? Why had been stolen, why was his previous master gone? Pokemon weren’t treated like this, but why was he? One smack is all that was needed to get him into order.

Jacker had an orange body; on his stomach was a white oval; his feet were fat; protruding from the front of them were three stubby claws, which, though usually cream-colored, was brown from the dirt on the forest floor. His head was large, and a sphere protruded from the head, where his mouth was, and his blue eyes were watering like mad, as he whimpered and cowered at his owner's feet. A long, slender tail came from his end, ending in a flame, which, unusual for a Charmander, was blue instead of orange.

He watched as his new master raised the plank of wood, the one he carried to beat his servants with.

Only a week ago, Jacker had been in the hands of an old man in a white lab coat, whose hair was spiked in only a few spots, unlike when a kid with a horrible hairdo barged in, demanding the Charmander. He had a black coat, with pockets filled with cash, and he was holding a GUN. The Charmander’s old master refused, so the intruder pulled a trigger.

That was the last time Jacker saw his master, on the ground, scarlet everywhere, his old, loving eyes staring at the ceiling.

The Charmander had no time to remember that cold feeling inside him as the plank flew down, striking his back.

He wanted the pain to stop, he wanted to leave this cruel human. He was in a new world-- a horrible, sick, deadly world. A 'pathetic, wimpy, stupid Pokemon,' or so his master said to all who would listen, would not, could not survive in such enviroment. Jacker had to leave, to go to paradise, to travel away from his owner, to return to his home.

Home. More water rushed from Jacker's eyes as he thought of it. His home-- nice, friendly, small dwelling where other beings lived, always ready to give treats. The wildlife in the forest when Jacker would go to study with his old master, who would teach him to fight, to defend if he was ever attacked. That forest was not like this one, where shadows were everywhere, where sudden movement could be a creature stalking you, where screams from children echoed horribly. Where they found other people, cold, red on there shirts, there eyes staring at the sky, which was covered by the thick branches of trees.

Jacker was going back, back to the place where he belonged, and with sudden determination, something odd happened.

[Graceful_Suicune]

Originally Posted by riolu42

“Yes, master, the Embodiment has been stamped onto the pathetic Charmader,” The one named Adro replied.

Although you can't see it unless you quote it, there's a double space between 'pathetic' and 'Charmander'. Also, you need to have a lowercase 'T' in 'The', because it's like putting a capital letter in the middle of a sentence.

Originally Posted by riolu42

“I shall not tell you, Shalz, nor any of you. Only I must know, only until the time comes.

This makes sense, but it would be better as 'Shalz, nor shall I tell any of you. Only I must know until the time comes.' :3

Originally Posted by riolu42

Adro came in.

I think that's a fairly bland way to introduce a character. xD Maybe instead you could say that there was the sound of feet against the dirt or something, then saying that the form who just entered had a humanoid structure, and then continue you description from there. Also, the description could be a bit more elaborate, but since nobody else was described it would be a little odd only having one character with a description.
ALSO, he was up there a few lines ago. Did he disappear since he said his line and has he just come back? xD

Originally Posted by riolu42

Why had been stolen, his previous master gone ?

I like the use of the rhetorical questions, but there should be a 'he' between 'had' and 'been'. Also, get rid of the space before the question mark.

Originally Posted by riolu42

Jacker was a Charmander, a small fire type Pokemon that had a fire on his tail. Though it was usually orange for most of his kind, Jacker had a blue tail flame.

You could also go into more depth of his appearance description.

Originally Posted by riolu42

That was the last time Jacker saw his master, on the ground, scarlet everywhere, his old, loving eyes staring at the sealing.

'sealing' should be 'ceiling'.

Originally Posted by riolu42

The Charmander had no time to remember that cold feeling inside him, as the plank flew down, striking his back.

No comma after 'him'.

I really like the idea, and so far it seems like an interesting concept. Also, I love the title! Clever! However, I have a few points to make:

#1- Emotion: I felt no sympathy for Jacker at this point, for there was almost no emotion included to make the readers feel for him. You really need to represent Jacker's fear. Really show it to us though things like how he could whimper, back away, shed tears, be shaking with fright, be breathing unsteadily, etc.

#2- Description: In the first scene, I liked the use of mystery and how you didn't tell us who the characters were other than their names (and apart from Adro), and how you set the scene by showing us the lanterns with blue fire. It also makes you wonder what's going to happen and what they did exactly, and why. However, in the second scene you probably didn't need to start it differently but you did need to set the scene, give detailed descriptions of who was there and what was happening (though if it's not supposed to be really revealing then don't go into so much detail), and remember to really make us feel like we're there. At the moment, we don't know if he's in a volcano, a cave, the city, a graveyard, standing in the middle of the ocean--nothing like that.

#3- Length: Remember how long my chapters can be? xD This takes up a page in Word--and that's with it being as spaced out as it is and without me making the borders wider so I can fit more on a page. My largest chapter was thirteen pages in Word, and that's without it being spaced out. Spaced out, I'm pretty sure it was barely under 30 pages. xD See what I mean now? (But remember, that's a reeeeaaaalllllllllllllllly long chapter)

#4- Centering: Please do not centre the text. It makes it more difficult to read and messier, and it's much better to have it normally. :3 Please change it so it's not in the centre! For me? :D

That's just about all I have to say, and I hope you make the correct changed. ^^ Grammar-wise, you're just about perfect! And make sure you read every word of this post, as I'm sure it'll help you even just a little. ^^ ...I hope. xD

~Xanthe.

[riolu42]

Okay, just finished with the typos and all that sort, and I should tell you who the old master was: Prof. Oak.

[Graceful_Suicune]

Originally Posted by riolu42

Okay, just finished with the typos and all that sort, and I should tell you who the old master was: Prof. Oak.

Okay, cool. And...what?! I didn't expect that! :O

Originally Posted by riolu42

a third vioce asked, it was polite, but curt.

Oh, just picked this up. Should be 'voice'.

Originally Posted by riolu42

“Why?” the Master asked, “Shalz, nor shall I tell any of you. Only I must know until the time comes. Adro, come into the light.”

Oh, sorry, I didn't make myself clear--I meant from that part of the sentence it should be like this--it doesn't make sense unless you have 'I shall not tell you,' before the rest of the sentence! Sorry about that. So, all up, it should be:

I shall not tell you, Shalz, nor shall I tell any of you. Only I must know until the time comes. Adro, come into the light.

Originally Posted by riolu42

Adro walked out of the shadow of his master, there was the scrapes as his feet fell to the floor.

See how the comma after 'master' should be a period because the following text makes its own sentence? If you wanted that to be one sentence, you have to construct it so the section after the comma can't be a sentence on its own. So, you can change the comma to a semicolon, because that's what they're for, or you can reword the next part of the sentence to make sure it won't stand on its own. Example:

Adro walked out of the shadow of his master, the sound of scraping as his feet fell to the floor.

See how the section after the comma can't be a sentence on its own? That's the kind of wording we want after a comma. :)

Originally Posted by riolu42

“Yes, sir.” Adro replied, he stood still, and Shalz could see him shivering slightly, not out of cold, but the size of the mission.

The period after 'sir' should be a comma, because if you remove the talking marks, it's like:

Yes, sir. Adro replied, (and then the rest of the sentence here)

See how it ends the sentence because of the period? We don't want that. We need a comma unless the next part (Adro replied) is a new sentence (which it's not). So, it should be:

Yes, sir, Adro replied, (and then the rest of the sentence here)

Although, of course, it needs quotation marks (talking marks).
Also, see how 'not out of cold' makes the sentence not work as well? Adding a double hyphen like this -- is the best situation solver, because it keeps the sentence together even though it might not fit too well (because it doesn't flow).
Change 'cold' to 'coldness', or make it 'not from the cold'.
Third thing with this sentence--I was talking about it before with the whole 'make sure the sentence is a sentence not able to be on its own'. The comma after 'replied' needs to be a full stop, because the text that follows can be a sentence on its own, therefore a comma isn't suitable unless you reword the sentence. So, it should ultimately be:

“Yes, sir,” Adro replied. He stood still, and Shalz could see him shivering slightly--not from the coldness, but the size of the mission.

Originally Posted by riolu42

"One slight mistake," Adro thought, "and Master will make sure I die."

Now, here, I can see you've used the forum quotation marks. Are you writing this in Word or something? Because it's much better than on the forum. Also, thoughts have to be in italics, and they can't have a double quotation mark. In other words, this: " which is used for speech. It can have a single quotation mark, which I use for speech, but not double. Also, these thoughts should be on the previous line because it's all Adro's thoughts and speech, so it should all be together. Only when I new speaker speaks (or thinks) should you put thoughts/speech on a new line like you've done here.

Originally Posted by riolu42

“Now, wait for the time to come, that’s all.” the Master announced, his voice was excited, like a child about to recieve a reward.

Lol, good simile. ^^ Change the period to a comma, 'cause like I was saying before, it's like putting a random full stop in the middle of a sentence. xD Also, it should be 'receive'.

Originally Posted by riolu42

One smack is all that got him into order.

I can't help but to think it should be 'One smack is all that was needed to get him into order.'

Originally Posted by riolu42

Jacker had an orange body, on his stomache a white oval, his feet were fat, protruding from the front were three stubby claws, which, though usually cream-colored, was brown from the dirt on the forest floor.

Should be 'stomach'. Also, half of the text coming after commas can make sentences of their own, so it's best to make them semicolons. I'd write it as:

Jacker had an orange body; on his stomach was a white oval; his feet were fat; protruding from the front of them were three stubby claws, which, though usually cream-colored, was brown from the dirt on the forest floor.

Originally Posted by riolu42

He A long, slender tail came from his end, ending in a flame, which, unusual for a Charmander, was blue instead of orange.

Get rid of 'He'. xD

Originally Posted by riolu42

Only a week ago, Jacker had been in the hands of an old man in a white lab coat, whose hair was spiked in only a few spots, unlike when a kid with a horrible hairdo barged in, demanding me.

Why does it say 'demanding me'? Shouldn't it be 'demanding the Charmander'?

Originally Posted by riolu42

The Charmander had no time to remember that cold feeling inside him, as the plank flew down, striking his back.

Get rid of the comma after 'him'. :3

Originally Posted by riolu42

He was in a new world, a horrible, sick, deadly world.

Change the first comma to a double hyphen.

Originally Posted by riolu42

A 'pathetic, wimpy, stupid Pokemon,' or so his master said to all who would listen, would not, could not survive in such enviroment.

Should be 'environment'.

Originally Posted by riolu42

His home, nice, friendly, small dwelling where other beings lived, always ready to give treats.

Double hyphen instead of the first comma so the sentence flows better.

Originally Posted by riolu42

Where they found other people, cold, red on there shirts, there eyes staring at the sky, which was covered by the thick branches of trees.

'there' should be 'their'. Remember that 'there' is used for 'over there', and 'their' is something belonging to someone. Remember that the one with the 'i' in it is a person's belonging because the 'i' can be turned into a stick figure. xD
Also, there's a double space between 'by' and 'the'.

One more correction--you can't write numbers in fics unless it's part of the name of something, so when you have '6 years later...' it should be 'Six years later...' so what I'm saying is that you have to write the number out instead of using the digit. :D

You made it a lot better, but still some mistakes. You seem to have trouble with comma placement--or, rather, a lot of your commas need to be double hyphens or full stops, because to have a comma in a sentence, the following text can't stand as its own sentence. Most of the time, at least. By the way, make sure you use a spell checker. That'll help you (only with spelling mistakes though), but it'll still help. :) You can get built-in spell-checkers for internet browsers. Just Google them and download one. ^^ Else use Word. I highly recommend that you use Word to write up your story. If you don't have it, download Open Office.org (I'll give you a link of you want) for free. It's a great Word substitute!

So, what are we going to do about the length? It's still really short, but if this is all you want to give away, then perhaps you could make it a short prologue instead of chapter 1. It would be better, because a chapter should be much longer.

Also, do you see why I've corrected each and every mistake? I just want to make sure you know the reason to each of my corrections, because of you don't understand something then you can't improve and watch out for it next time. So please let me know if there's something I correct and you don't know why I've corrected it. :)

I really did feel for poor Jacker this time, and it was really sad to hear about the new world he's in and what happen to the people... I hope he gets away from his master soon, and I think you've got something great going here. ^^ Just make sure you follow advice and look into the things you need to improve on, and I'm sure you'll do great! :D

~Xanthe.

[PMDFan]

Reply to Graceful_Suicune's post (#4):
...wow.

Reply to riolu42's post (#1):
Umbreon: Great story! The blue flame is a little spooky.
Mew: I just want to transform into that stick and beat the man. Who could treat such a special Pokémon like that!?

[riolu42]

Mumma mia, thanks Graceful Suicune.

When it said "Demanding me" I was, at the time, thinking about first-person perspective, like your fan-fic.

Also, I do Microsoft Office Word, and I couldn't find the spell check button.

[Graceful_Suicune]

Originally Posted by PMDFan

Reply to Graceful_Suicune's post (#4):
...wow.

xD

Originally Posted by riolu42

Mumma mia, thanks Graceful Suicune.

When it said "Demanding me" I was, at the time, thinking about first-person perspective, like your fan-fic.

Also, I do Microsoft Office Word, and I couldn't find the spell check button.

It's what I do. And no worries. ^^

Yeah, I thought so. xD I've done that a few times (the other way 'round).

Oh, good. ^^ xD Really? If you have an older one, it should be under 'tools' or something, or if you have 2007 (like I do) then it should be under 'review' on the left. You'll find it. ^^

~Xanthe.

[PMDFan]

(The thread still had five days left)
Update the story already!

[Graceful_Suicune]

Originally Posted by PMDFan

(The thread still had five days left)
Update the story already!

O lol.

I don't think that's gonna help... O_o People get busy and can't just write when they're told... But good try I guess. xD

~Xanthe.

[riolu42]

Sorry, I thought I'd quit and try something new, but since PMDfan wants it, i'll start working on chappy 2.