It was a really plain story. You could have added a twist in somewhere. The opening paragraph sheds some light on ‘Ian’, but I have no clue about him. How old is he? Where is he from? There are quite a few unanswered questions I feel you should try and answer so the grader isn’t clueless about ‘Ian’. We don’t really find out anything from his personality because when he is talking in the story, a lot of the time he sounds like a robot. Give your character some personality.
The plot of the story was unoriginal. For your first story (I think it is yours.), its fine. For future stories, I’d strongly recommend spending time thinking about a plot nobody has done before. Even adding some things to spice up the current plot would help. Get your inspiration from anywhere. Books and movies are a great way to go except keep it your own by adding in twists and turns.
You did fairly well here, and it seems you have a good grasp on grammar, although I did spot one or two small mistakes but nothing big enough to mention. But here are two things that I feel I need to mention.
A solid hit that tugged on the rod and nearly dragged Ian into the water.
This sentence confused me a little. A solid hit? I assume you mean bite, and I don’t understand why solid is in there unless you mean strong, big, heavy etc. You could change it to this, just to make more sense.
It was a strong bite that tugged on the rod and nearly dragged Ian into the water.
It was most likely just a mix of up words, so don’t worry about it.
"Nicely done Staryu! Now use another Tackle!"
There should be a comma before ‘Staryu’. It’s nothing major, but you did it two or three times and I’d just watch out for it. Other than that, your grammar is quite good. Just remember to use a spell checker and proofread over your story after you’ve finished, catching out those sneaky mistakes.
Your description was okay, although I felt it was lacking. You described Staryu quite well but could have gone more in-depth. You could have gave us a description for the red diamond in the middle of Staryu. Adding more description helps you so much and every grader loves description. Remember to describe everything and anything.
Pretend I don’t know what Magikarp or Staryu looks like, I won’t get a great idea unless I get a clear description. Magikarp wasn’t described as much as it could have been. Adding in something about its weird eyes or big mouth can make the difference. When you did describe, you used very nice adjectives and were quite creative with your description so well done on that.
What does Ian look like? I have no idea because he wasn’t described. What colour is his hair? What clothes is he wearing? How tall is he? We need to be able to relate to a character and get a good grip that we know who you’re talking about while enjoying the story at the same time. All graders will pick you up on this as it’s extremely important to describe the main character. In a story like yours, even minimum description is good, so just think about that.
I also think you should try to describe your surroundings too. So we know where the main character is and what that place looks like. If you’re in a city, you still need to describe despite it being in a game. Anyways, sorry about nit-picking. Other than that, you did an alright job here.
Length rarely matters, but you scraped the minimum. Adding description and explaining things can do wonders for the length of your story so always try and aim for midway between the recommended lengths because then the grader will have nothing to nit-pick about.
A quite short battle, but perfect for a Magikarp. It was two-sided enough, with Magikarp fighting back here and there. The attacks could have been described a bit better. When Staryu uses Rapid Spin you give a great description of flinging Magikarp in the air and I really liked that. Always use the surroundings to your advantage or dis-advantage, because it makes the battle much more interesting. The two Pokemon could have dragged each other under the water to make the most of them being water Pokemon.
Overall, the battle was short and sweet, fine for a Karpy.
For your first story, this was quite good. I probably made some sections a bit too nit-picky but it’s for a Magikarp so well done. Just remember to step it up next time. Magikarp Captured!
Have fun with the fish thingy!