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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 10-31-2009, 08:55 PM
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Default It's a Start...

Target Pokemon - Magikarp
Characters Needed - 3k-5k
Characters Total - 3,043

A boy walked on a path towards Lake Placid while the leaves rustled and fell from large trees for Autumn had just arrived. The boy was carrying a fishing rod over his shoulder and letting a tackle box hang off of his arm. Lake Placid was calm and peaceful, living up to its name. This boy, named Ian, had his mind was set on catching Pokemon in the water, and he would be aided by his Staryu, which he recently obtained from the local Pokemon Breeder. His parents realized he had come of age to be a Pokemon Trainer and travel all over the land, so they sent him to fetch a Pokemon and showered him with goodbyes.

"Well, I'm here now. I guess Staryu can be free from his 'prison'," Ian said, fingering a small red and white orb. "Come on out, Staryu!" A flash of red light revealed a golden-brown star Pokemon named Staryu. The Staryu was spinning when it came out and stopped on its legs when it landed on the ground.

"Star-yu!" Staryu said, stretching out its five legs. It was hyped up and immediately jumped into the water. It made a great wave of water disperse from around it, and when it appeared at the top of the water, it playfully splashed Ian. Ian was soaked, and the brisk coolness around him made him shiver.

Ian laughed, "Hey, stop it! You know it's bad to get wet right now!It looks like you like the water, eh Staryu? Well, cool off and get ready 'cause we've got some fishing to do!" Ian tossed his rod into the water, the bobber wildly being slung around, and patiently waited for a bite. Time passed slowly. Ian got a few nibbles here and there, but nothing attacked the bait like he had previously hoped. He was beginning to get impatient with all of the aquatic Pokemon.

"Come on! Why isn't anything bi-" Ian shouted before he received a hit. A solid hit that tugged on the rod and nearly dragged Ian into the water. Ian reared back the rod and landed a red Magikarp, flopping in midair. "Yes, we've got a nice one! Okay Staryu, hit it with a weak Tackle! We want things to go nice and easy so we can add him to our team."

Staryu went under and leaped out of the water to Tackle the poor fish. The Magikarp held bruises all over his body after the attack, even though he was hardly touched. "Nicely done Staryu! Now use another Tackle!" Staryu leaped up again, but before he could hit the Magikarp, it latched itself onto Staryu with its mouth!

"Can a Magikarp really bite?!" Ian questioned. Able to bite or not, however, Magikarp was gripping the Staryu with its small teeth. Hmmm..., Ian thought. What can I do? ...Wait a second. Rapid Spin! "Hey Staryu, use Rapid Spin!"

Staryu spun as fast as a fan, making a red and brown swirl on top of the water. Soon enough, Magikarp was flung from Staryu with tremendous force and was slammed into a tree. It fell onto the ground, clearly knocked out and unable to fight.

"Great job Staryu, you deserve a rest. Return," Ian said, opening the Pokeball and absorbing his Staryu. "Now for you..." Ian threw a Pokeball at Magikarp and watched it shake one time. Two times...
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Old 11-14-2009, 11:23 AM
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Default Re: It's a Start...

Story: It was a really plain story. You could have added a twist in somewhere. The opening paragraph sheds some light on ‘Ian’, but I have no clue about him. How old is he? Where is he from? There are quite a few unanswered questions I feel you should try and answer so the grader isn’t clueless about ‘Ian’. We don’t really find out anything from his personality because when he is talking in the story, a lot of the time he sounds like a robot. Give your character some personality.

The plot of the story was unoriginal. For your first story (I think it is yours.), its fine. For future stories, I’d strongly recommend spending time thinking about a plot nobody has done before. Even adding some things to spice up the current plot would help. Get your inspiration from anywhere. Books and movies are a great way to go except keep it your own by adding in twists and turns.

Grammar: You did fairly well here, and it seems you have a good grasp on grammar, although I did spot one or two small mistakes but nothing big enough to mention. But here are two things that I feel I need to mention.

A solid hit that tugged on the rod and nearly dragged Ian into the water.
This sentence confused me a little. A solid hit? I assume you mean bite, and I don’t understand why solid is in there unless you mean strong, big, heavy etc. You could change it to this, just to make more sense.

It was a strong bite that tugged on the rod and nearly dragged Ian into the water.
It was most likely just a mix of up words, so don’t worry about it.

"Nicely done Staryu! Now use another Tackle!"
There should be a comma before ‘Staryu’. It’s nothing major, but you did it two or three times and I’d just watch out for it. Other than that, your grammar is quite good. Just remember to use a spell checker and proofread over your story after you’ve finished, catching out those sneaky mistakes.

Detail: Your description was okay, although I felt it was lacking. You described Staryu quite well but could have gone more in-depth. You could have gave us a description for the red diamond in the middle of Staryu. Adding more description helps you so much and every grader loves description. Remember to describe everything and anything.

Pretend I don’t know what Magikarp or Staryu looks like, I won’t get a great idea unless I get a clear description. Magikarp wasn’t described as much as it could have been. Adding in something about its weird eyes or big mouth can make the difference. When you did describe, you used very nice adjectives and were quite creative with your description so well done on that.

What does Ian look like? I have no idea because he wasn’t described. What colour is his hair? What clothes is he wearing? How tall is he? We need to be able to relate to a character and get a good grip that we know who you’re talking about while enjoying the story at the same time. All graders will pick you up on this as it’s extremely important to describe the main character. In a story like yours, even minimum description is good, so just think about that.

I also think you should try to describe your surroundings too. So we know where the main character is and what that place looks like. If you’re in a city, you still need to describe despite it being in a game. Anyways, sorry about nit-picking. Other than that, you did an alright job here.

Length: Length rarely matters, but you scraped the minimum. Adding description and explaining things can do wonders for the length of your story so always try and aim for midway between the recommended lengths because then the grader will have nothing to nit-pick about.

Battle: A quite short battle, but perfect for a Magikarp. It was two-sided enough, with Magikarp fighting back here and there. The attacks could have been described a bit better. When Staryu uses Rapid Spin you give a great description of flinging Magikarp in the air and I really liked that. Always use the surroundings to your advantage or dis-advantage, because it makes the battle much more interesting. The two Pokemon could have dragged each other under the water to make the most of them being water Pokemon.

Overall, the battle was short and sweet, fine for a Karpy.

Outcome: For your first story, this was quite good. I probably made some sections a bit too nit-picky but it’s for a Magikarp so well done. Just remember to step it up next time. Magikarp Captured! Have fun with the fish thingy!

Hatch: 806
Charmeleon: 839
Charizard: 899
Level100: 1091

Last edited by Limelight; 11-14-2009 at 12:02 PM.
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Old 11-14-2009, 10:15 PM
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Default Re: It's a Start...

Thanx very much! I guess it's a 1UP for my team now!
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