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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 11-16-2009, 11:33 PM
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Default Judgement Day [Ready for Grading!]

Anne Admus
Trying to catch Pidgey


This is my first try at this, so I'm sorry if its a wee bit nasty!

Chp. 1: The Setting

Anne Admus was, is, and always will be autistic.

To be specific, she has Aspergers- a somewhat rarer form of autism that causes her to stray between varying moods of normal, shy, very shy, and an intense need for isolation. Of course, as time wore on, and as she grew older, she managed to gain control of herself, so that it is possible for her to pass off as an entirely normal human being until you get to know her well enough to notice her quirks.

But Anne got along well with Stevie, her Houndour. They were inseparable, and yes he had a pokeball but, well, what was the point? She always had him out- if anything for company. Even though she hated being around people, she got lonely. Stevie was the perfect companion.

And now, for the action...

It was dark out, Anne could barely see three feet ahead of her, and was using her Pokemon as a guide, her hand resting trustingly on Stevie's head as they travvelled.

Turning, Anne could see the dim lights of Goldenrod city, as she watched she could see one or two flicker out as another family went to sleep, or as another business closed down for the night. The duo had taken pains to avoid the city- because Anne was in one of her ‘moods’. Most of the time, she was able to traverse through town, no big deal. But every once in awhile, she became twitchy at the sight of people, she wanted to scream and beat her head against a wall every time someone looked at her, so many shop keepers, and homeless beggers, and small children, all making eye contact! The very thought caused Anne to shudder as she walked, or, was it the cold?

Stevie paused, looking up at her questioningly. For some reason, he had not allowed her to stop at any of the ‘potential camp spots’ they had passed. He had growled low and dragged her onward, whether there was some foul Pokemon lurking about, whether there was some weird poisonous plant around, or if the place just gave him bad joojoo, he would not have any of it. Anne was curious at his actions, she was also tired, a little cranky, and cold. Her thin jacket not doing much to keep out the chilled air.

”I should have just bought the dang jacket…it wasn’t too expensive…” she told the dog next to her, pulling her wispy warmth closer around her thin body.

They passed beneath another tree, the minute amount of moonlight cutting off. Anne couldn’t see jack in this darkness.

“Stevie, give us a small ember flame, just enough to see a bit ahead of us.” the orange glow suddenly thrust light into the night, a small smolder, enough to see, was seeming to hover in front of the Houndour, the flame extending each time he breathed out, and decreasing each time he inhaled.

“Thanks, mate.” They continued walking in silence for a spell, Anne not tripping on as many stray branches and stones now that they had their small light.

“HOOOOOO!” it felt as if someone had pegged a basketball between Anne’s shoulder blades. She tumbled forward, stumbling to catch herself on the ground.

“HOOO!” the angered Hoothoot screeched again, going for a nose dive in the center of Anne’s abdomen. Stevie sprang into action, leaping at the bird before it made painful contact with his trainer. The two Pokemon rolled to the ground, Hoothoot immediately flying up, trying to gain an advantage in altitude.

“Stevie! Flamthrower!” the fire burst from the Houndour as Anne scrambled to her feet, dusting the dry dirt from her clothes. The flames hit dead on, the bird spinning around mid flight, letting out another angry screech. It dove at Stevie, beak open wide. He easily dodged it, side stepping out of the way.

“Crunch it!” Stevie leapt onto the Hoothoot, managing to catch it up in his jaws and deliver a crunch attack. The bird screeched in pain, thrashing itself loose of the Houndour’s attacks. It back flapped, disappearing into the trees once more. And then they were alone, again.

Stevie had once more adapted his ember flame, giving them a small amount of lighting as they walked, and they did not come in contact with any other hostile Pokemon. That is, until they hit the grass.

Anne did not want to enter this, it was tall (about waist height), and dead and brown. The winter cold long since draining it of its green.

“Stevie…I really think we should stay OUT of the grass, its dark, you’ll have to pull back your flame so that it doesn’t catch the grass on fire… But Stevie wasn’t entering the grass, he way laying down near it. Anne understood. They would be able to march through it in the morning, as soon as they were up, and be out of it sooner.

She pulled her pack from her shoulders, letting it hit the ground with a thud. Opening the top, she dragged out her sleeping bag and water bottle.

“Stevie, think you could get me some firewood? “ the Houndour nodded and bounded into the forest, as Anne began to create a circle of rocks. Stevie returned every once in awhile with small bundles of sticks and branches, as many as he could carry in his muzzle, until she had an organized fire pit.

”Use your ember to get this going.” the pile of wood lit up, casting its warmth and light in a small circle. Anne curled up next to it in her sleeping bag, taking a swig of water. Stevie crawled over and nestled into the crook of her body, and they fell asleep.

Last edited by bamanne; 11-29-2009 at 05:36 PM.
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  #2  
Old 11-16-2009, 11:34 PM
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Default Re: Judgement Day [Ready for Grading!]

Chp. 2: Morning


The next day, the fire was out, a smoldering pile of ashes left it its place. Anne got up slowly, yawning and stretching, waking Stevie up in the process.

Ok, lets go. They packed up, cleaned up, changed, and entered the grass.
The two did not encounter as many Pokemon as Anne had originally hoped, not even a hungry Rattata, but it made travelling easier, she guessed.

These grasslands seemed to stretch on forever, and excess frost crunched underfoot every step of the way. Stevie trotted close to Anne’s side, his ears twitching every now and again at some sound.

The sun was soon at its peak as afternoon rolled around, and they stopped for lunch. Dropping her pack, Anne pulled out her instanoodles, dropping them into a pot, filling it with the remains of one of her water bottles, and holding it high above Stevie’s head. He let out a weak flamethrower, heating the pot to a boil before stopping.

Their lunch was pretty good, no gourmet meal but satisfying nonetheless, and they both got an equal share of it. Though, Anne was frustrated that it had not attracted so much as a pest Pokemon with its scent, she wanted to catch another Pokemon, ANY Pokemon at this point.

“Ok, come on, we have to keep going. I can see where this grassland ends, and I think I see another town down there…lets just keep moving and see how far we can make it before nightfall. And this time, I choose the sleeping spot.

Stevie nodded an affirmative, accenting it with a soft “Dour!” bark. And they were off again, after packing up of course.

Most of the morning’s frost had melted, giving way to a hardened, dry, and cold ground with a scattering of small cracks. They could hear the flaps and calls of some Pokemon nearby, and Anne grew excited. She didn’t care what species it was, she was going to catch one.

Using Stevie as a guide, they managed to locate the source of the sound- it was a group of Pidgey!

“Its defiantly a start…Stevie! See if you can run at the group, and try to grab one!” she muttered in whispered tones. Stevie nodded, and ran at the flock.

Last edited by bamanne; 11-29-2009 at 05:36 PM.
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  #3  
Old 11-16-2009, 11:36 PM
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Default Re: Judgement Day [Ready for Grading!]

Chp. 3: The Battle


The group separated and took off as one, flapping and screeching in a panic as they tried to escape this big, black dog that was attacking them. A somewhat smaller- than –the- rest Pidgey had gotten bumped mid flight, and knocked down just above Stevie’s head level. Leaping into the air, he snatched the bird in his jaws as it had started to fly again.
“PIDGAAAA!” it screamed, flapping frantically, clawing at Stevie’s muzzle with its talons. The Houndour released it, surprised at the viciousness of this small bird’s attack. Anne ran at Stevie and Pidgey, the bird flying just out of Stevie’s range, however it did not flee, no, its wings began to beat the air in their direction, going faster and faster, hitting them with gust attack! Anne covered her eyes as dust and frost clogged the air, and Stevie was actually blown back a foot or so.

“Flamethrower!” The flames rent the haze, and it ceased as the Pidgey took a direct hit, distracting it from its attack. The bird spiraled downwards, hitting the ground with a ‘whump!’ Anne waited to see if the bird would stand again…

It did.

It was bruised and battered, and panting heavily, but it still had fight in it. Anne felt a pang of pity, this little creature had so much spirit…but it would make a great addition to her team. Stevie bounded forward to stand in front of it, waiting for his trainer’s command. The command never came, Anne was approaching the bird slowly, pulling a berry from her pocket.

”I just can’t knock you out when your at a disadvantage like this…we engaged you with a cheap trick…here, this will make it fair…” and she tossed the berry to the pidgey.
Now, in clear conscience, the battle began again. The Pidgey soared up, using a gust attack, and then attacking Stevie through the dust devil with a head-on tackle attack.
“Flamethrower!” the Pokemon managed to doge the flame, going for another tackle attack that smashed into Stevie’s side.

“Faint attack! Quick! While its low to the ground!” Stevie rushed at the Pidgey, seeming to appear at its right, then again at its left, and then suddenly attacked it from behind. The bird had tried using a quick attack, but had flown right into Stevie’s onslaught. Pidgey was knocked backwards, somersaulting through the air before it hit the ground wih an audible thwack.

“Stevie use ember, finish it off!” the bird was attempting to stand once more when the fire overtook it, knocking it out cold.

Anne had a few Pokeballs on her person and she withdrew one now. Stevie back stepped out of her way as she swung it in an arc towards the Pidgey. The red glow encompassed the Pokemon, and pulled it inside the orb. The ball twitched once, twice…and then it burst open once more.

...

Last edited by bamanne; 11-29-2009 at 05:37 PM.
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  #4  
Old 11-16-2009, 11:40 PM
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Default Re: Judgement Day [Ready for Grading!]

chp. 4: The Tables Have Turned



The Pidgey stood, its wings spread slightly away from its body, its head hung low and its breath came out in audible rasps and wheezes. But it was still standing, still fighting.
The small, feeble wings began to flap, somehow managing to lift the bird off the ground, and raise it above Anne and Stevie. Anne could recognize the strain that the bird was under, and cursed under her breath.

“Stevie…catch it when it falls.” she said calmly, as the Pokemon began to attempt a final gust attack.

Before it could finish the attack, however, it fainted midair, beginning to hurtle headfirst towards the ground. Stevie leaped forward, skidded to a halt for a split second and then jumped at the falling Pokemon, twisting his head about so as to catch it by the mid section before he touched back down again, clutching the Pidgey safely in his jaws.
Anne knelt by the injured bird.

“This has to get to a pokecenter, it…-“ she paused, examining the Pidgey for a moment

“I mean…SHE is very hurt…If she had just stayed in the Pokeball…” she let her sentence trail off, there was no use in complaining about it when time was of the essence.
Thinking fast, Anne ripped off her jacket, bundling the Pidgey up like a baby to keep it warm. She could see the town up ahead, a few miles at the most…Stevie would be able to make the journey much faster than her…

“Stevie! Take the Pidgey in your mouth and run as fast as you can to the town up ahead. Find the Pokecenter, and take Pidgey to the counter. They won’t ask questions as long as they see how urgent it is. I will catch up as soon as humanly possible.” And she handed the bundled Pidgey to the Houndour, who took off immediately, the distance between him and his trainer expanding every second.

Anne began to run, now running alone, she could still see Stevie at this point, his paws a blur as he raced onward with his important task. The girl was not the most athletic, however she could keep this steady pace for at least two miles before having to hit the ground and take a breather- and she was surprised that she actually managed to make it to the town entrance before, wheezing, she leaned against a fence, her breath coming out in sputters, and her legs shaking.

Meanwhile…

Stevie raced into the Pokecenter, the doors opening to allow him in automatically. He slid on the tile as he attempted to pull himself to a stop, but unfortunately he smashed into the counter, managing to turn himself so that his side took the hit and not the injured Pokemon.

”Oh my! What have we here?” the nurse asked sweetly, shocked. Stevie balanced on his hind legs, placing the injured Pidgey on the counter and giving the nurse a You know exactly whats wrong, now FIX IT! glare, and she quickly snatched upt he bird and ran back the emergency room, shouting orders as she went.

It was another ten minutes before Anne stumbled into the center, immediately spying Stevie and dropping to her knees to give him a hug.

“Did you…get it….in…?” she could hear an immature teenager in the waiting room call “That’s what she said!” to her, and Anne rolled her eyes.

This was why she didn’t like people.

Stevie nodded to her question, and pointed with his muzzle to the emergency room doors as they opened, revealing the nurse.

”I take it you’re the unresponsible owner of that Pidgey?” she demanded, and Anne cowered. She was horrible with confrontations.

”no..I…shes wild…and…um…please stop yelling…she….overdid herself, um, I had Stevie rush her here…will, will she be ok?” the nurse stared at her angrily for another moment, hands on her hips.

Finally, they dropped to her sides.

”Yes, she’ll be just fine, but be more careful in the future!” Anne nodded, ducking around the angry nurse and rushing back to the emergency room. Pidgey was on a bed, still unconscious but looking much better. She laid a remorseful hand on her soft downy feathers, sighing sadly. She didn’t deserve such a small, spirited Pokemon like this...

Last edited by bamanne; 11-29-2009 at 05:38 PM.
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  #5  
Old 11-16-2009, 11:41 PM
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Default Re: Judgement Day [Ready for Grading!]

Chp. 5: To Be, or Not to Be?


When Pidgey woke up, Anne was surprised at its reaction.

She did not freak out, nor did she attempt to escape the hospital; but she was calm, and merely allowed the nurses to rewrap her bandaged wing, mark her name on a chart, and then discharge her.
But the real shock was, through all of this:

Pidgey was perched on Anne’s shoulder.

Anne, Stevie and Pidgey exited the pokecenter, and Anne held out her arm, allowing Pidgey to hop down to her extended wrist.

”You have the choice. You may take flight now and live free, or stay with me. I respect you, and I respect your choice…”

Pidgey hovered at her wrist, her wings have extended, the clogs in her birdbrain mulling over the issue.

Finally, Pidgey made her decision…


{Done, ready for grading! This is my first, as I said earlier, so I’m sorry if its not the best. You know, practice, experience, blah blah!}

Last edited by bamanne; 11-29-2009 at 05:39 PM.
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Old 11-17-2009, 12:00 AM
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Default Re: Judgement Day [Ready for Grading!]

Oh! I almost forgot!

Characters With spaces= 15,273
Characters Without Spaces= 12,564
Words= 2, 751
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Old 11-17-2009, 12:58 AM
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Default Re: Judgement Day [Ready for Grading!]

I'll claim and do it sometime soon.
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Old 11-18-2009, 02:09 AM
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Default Re: Judgement Day [Ready for Grading!]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Khajmer View Post
I'll claim and do it sometime soon.

Ok, thank you!
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Old 11-29-2009, 06:58 PM
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Default Re: Judgement Day [Ready for Grading!]

Introduction: I rather liked it. It was short, sweet, and presented itself very firmly. I do have one issue, though. I saw that the main character had Aspergers, and my immediate thought was "Oh my God, a newbie writer who includes good character development." The problem was, I just didn't get that. If it hadn't been explicitly stated that she was autistic in the first few paragraphs I would never have gotten that. I would have gotten an anti-social teenager who didn't do well under pressure. It's called failure to observe Chekhov's Gun, basically mentioning what is obviously an important story element and not making it significant enough at key moments where it's involved.

Plot: M'kay, standard first story plot and I that's okay. Your character is looking for Pokemon, finds one, and attempts to catch it. I enjoyed that it had the little twist with it breaking out and having to be carried away, but still, this is a basic level plot and we generally only let you get away with that once or twice. Which brings me to my new personal section...

Character Development: This leads me back to what I was saying with the Chekhov's Gun thing. You have a character with what can be a very influential trait and you don't really use that as much as you could. As the reader I was never able to connect or sympathize with Anne because she seemed just like another face in the crowd of Trainers. We need both back story and progression. How did she meet Stevie the Wonder Houndour, for instance. Why is she looking for a new Pokemon? What kinds of past experiences, particularly with her Aspergers, led her to be the kind of person she is in the present? You have the potential for a really interesting character here, now you just need to run with that potential.

Length: You're good here.

Grammar: Also fairly good. I noticed a few things but nothing worth worrying over, although I would suggest giving all of your stories a thorough read-through before posting them to get all of your typos.

Description: M'kay, here we have another bit of a problem, common but important to nip in the bud. You did an okay job with the surroundings, I particularly like the descriptions of the tall grass. But you don't give any indication of what the characters look like. Anne, for instance. She could be tall, short, blond, brunette, ginger, pale, tan, etc. I honestly have no clue. It's important to describe your characters, the scenery, the attacks, even the Pokemon themselves so that we have a perfectly clear idea of what's going on in our minds.

Final Verdict: Since it is your first story and all I'm going to say Pidgey Captured! Just remember what I said, develop your characters for a story like this, and try to avoid the generic "Trainer goes looking for a Pokemon" story.
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  #10  
Old 11-29-2009, 07:51 PM
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Default Re: Judgement Day [Ready for Grading!]

I'll work on those things next time, thanks!
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