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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 11-22-2009, 06:20 PM
Zackwanhalul's Avatar
Zackwanhalul Offline
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Default Let's give this a whirl, ready to be graded

As the harsh scent of mouthwash wafted up into his nostrils and the spray off the bow of the boat singed his eyes Zack stared off into the distance to see something emerging from the depths, something he had been tracking for oh so long, the great and mighty Giant Octillery. As the brow of the powerful beast broke the surface of the water our hero could feel the intensity growing in the storm, the rain of orange soda stung as it hit his bare skin mercilessly, the clap of the thunder grew evermore powerful as the beast reared its ugly head into view. Soon after it raised a spindly tentacle high above its impossibly large head as Zack’s glare remained unchanged against it, the accumulated travesties this beast had caused Captain Zack could be blatantly seen welling up inside of him. As the beasts enormous appendage loomed over head making the coming strike imminent the Captain drew his legendary weapon and plugged it into the nearby wall socket. Calmly but without hesitation he set his hands at the ready, pushing one switch to hot and then resting his finger on the ‘On’ button he stared what he knew to be his demise straight in the face. The tentacle slowly began its descent upon the ship, and as it did the entire world around him seemed to slow, the tentacle, the rain, his crewmates, and the spray from the boat, all awaiting his action, all waiting for him to turn on that hairdryer. Releasing all his pent up anger and hate for this dreaded beast he pressed his finger firmly against the on button, and was jolted awake.

“What in the-“Zack grumbled to himself as he found his body entangled in a mess of his bed sheets, pajamas, and his blanket. Groggily he pulled himself up rubbing his eyes and reaching around blindly for his glasses. Soon his hand fell upon the thick plastic frame. As he looked down to the foot of his bed to the mirror he saw himself blurred and indistinct. “Wait, what? Oh yeah...Glasses.” He murmured under his breath feeling like an utter idiot as he raised his glasses to his face. As he put them on the mirror came into focus, Blonde and tussled bed hair, eyes of a shade of blue that was just on the edge of green, his lack of clothing became even more apparent then when he had only a slight chill, he was extremely skinny, enough so that his ribs were visible while he sat slouched and half asleep. “Well better get started with the day.” He half-heartedly grumbled as he stumbled out of bed and tripped over the piles of dirty clothes littering the floor, as he passed his desk he tapped the Pokéball that sat on the desk opening it and causing it to rock back and forth on the desk as his Magby was revealed still snoozing lazily, now on the floor in a pile of dirty jeans and t-shirts. Grabbing a towel off the floor Zack walked to the bathroom to hop in the shower and get ready for what he expected to be a monotonous day ahead.

While we have this moment of reprieve I’ll lay out a few things for you, this boy, he isn’t, “The Chosen One” the one who will “Fulfill the prophecy” or any of those things, he is terribly average, basically the same as everyone else, he has his quirks but when it comes down to it this boy is exactly that, a boy. So don’t go expecting anything amazing out of his life. Oh my, it seems he’s done in the shower, back to narrating his life ominously and for no apparent reason.

“Magby what are you doing making all that noise out here?” Zack questioned the entirely empty house that does not have a man looking inside narrating his every action in it. Only to find Magby was still asleep. “Oh well it must have just been someone outside I heard.” He reassured himself making his way to his closet to find some clean clothes for the day. Pulling out every drawer he searched through plain t-shirts of all colors eventually ending up deciding on a solid light blue t-shirt and just a plain pair of old and slightly worn jeans. As he zipped up his jeans his Magby unconsciously rolled off the pile of laundry onto the old puke green shag carpeting of Zack’s room. With his fall Magby was shaken awake, immediately more aware than Zack was when he awoke. Magby was essentially the extreme optimist, the go-getter, that out-going kid at school who strikes up a conversation with everyone regardless of who they are, you know that kind of personality.

“Finally, you’re awake, Magby.” Zack cheerfully greeted the small red Pokémon as it stretched its legs wiggling the two clawed toes on each foot and stretching its arms behind his back. After his quick stretch Magby began bouncing about the room, raring to go and get the day started. As Zack lolled about his room Magby was jolting around the house energetic and excited as ever. “Whoa Magby, settle down, gosh. We got plenty of time in the day, it’s not like anything important is happening today.” Zack yelled across the house as he grabbed everything he needed for the day; Pokétech, Some cash, A few spare Pokéballs, and an Oatmeal bar for breakfast. Zack looked over his room one last time to see if he had missed anything, Oh! Magby’s Pokéball, don’t want to have to leave him outside all day. Zack thought to himself as he saw the ball lying on the desk. As he scanned the room over one more time, looking over the messed red blanket and black sheets, the clothes scattered about, the puke green shag clashing against the bright lime greens walls, “Looks in order to me.” Zack gleefully said with a grin on his face as he closed the door behind him. Turning off all the lights on his way out Zack said his goodbyes to the house for the day. “C’mon Magby, let’s get going.” Zack illegibly shouted while shoving half of his oatmeal bar into his mouth.

Out the door and on their way to a normal day Zack locked the door to the house behind him and tucked the key underneath the third farthest flower pot from the doorstep. “Magby, c’mere you need to get back in your ball now.” Zack told Magby as he lifted his Pokéball into the air and pressed the small button on the front. Right as Magby was withdrawn into his ball something rustled in the patch of orchids his mother had planted in the spring. Curious Zack knelt down and pushed the leaves and petals aside to reveal a tiny little Cherubi, a bright red body with the dark yet vibrant leaves poking just through the flowers, and off of those leaves dangled another bright red bulb the same shade as its body. It seemed scared and confused, Zack reached out his hand to try and comfort the poor thing, only to receive a swift bite from it before it retreated back into the foliage. “That little piece of-“He muttered through clenched teeth as he examined his now slightly bleeding finger. “Oh I’ll show her whose boss” Zack cynically grumbled reaching for Magby’s Pokéball. He tossed the ball in the air as it opened releasing his small Pokémon. “Magby, flush out the Cherubi from the garden with Smog.” Zack instructed his Pokémon. A noxious fume leaked from Magby’s beaked mouth and soon flowed through the stems and leaves of the flowers and shrubberies of the garden eventually forcing the Cherubi out on the other side of the garden. “Alright, nicely done, now jump over and hit it with a Fire Punch.” Zack calmly told his Pokémon, sure that this would take down the small Grass type Pokémon. As Magby’s fist quickly became engulfed in flames and he soared over the garden Cherubi seemed to catch a glimpse of him coming in her debilitating fit of coughing and was able to barely dodge the attack. As quickly as she sidestepped Magby’s attack she unleashed one of her own, a quick Take Down, right into Magby’s torso, knocking him on his back and leaving him stunned for a moment, Cherubi also tinged in pain from the recoil of her attack. “Well then.” Zack said a bit surprised and with the slightest smirk showing through, “Get up and keep on fighting, Magby!” he continued encouraging his Pokémon. Magby bounced right back up, still ready to go and trying his best not to show the pain he was in from that brutal hit. “Alright how about we try something a bit different, Lava Plume!” As the words hit his ears Magby began churning magma from underground underneath Cherubi and soon blasted it through the surface directly underneath her. Bits of enflamed rock and lava showered around Magby and the garden, singing the leaves and petals of the flowers, ash gently floated down dusting everything in a dull grey. As the smoke cleared the blurred image of what looked to be a Cherubi, or was at one point at least, could be just barely made out. There lied a dark and “well done” looking Cherubi.

“Well maybe we could have made that last just a bit longer, eh Magby?” Zack questioned his companion, jokingly. As he uttered that last word though the faintest movement could be made out from the small and crispy little Cherubi, soon small wisps of bright light circled above it and a hardly audible high pitched squeal could be heard from the weak little Pokémon. The light continued to accumulate above the leaves of the Cherubi and eventually began to move and sway the blackened leaves and vibrate the ground beneath them causing bits of rubble to bounce along the ground. “I’ll be damned.” Zack whispered under his breath in surprise. Soon the light had concentrated itself into a bright yellow ball, churning and swirling. Eventually the immense power Cherubi had been building up was released in a final ditch, last stand, Solar Beam that Magby, while distracted by the last pieces of ash still floating to the ground, took the full force of. Taking the bulk of the blast Magby fell to the ground, his torso stinging with the burn from the Solar Beam. Struggling to get up Magby placed a hand on the ground and swung himself up on both feet once again, without so much as a word from Zack Magby began to build a fire deep within himself to retaliate against the small Cherubi, the heat inside his body began to intensify and it could be felt even from where Zack stood idly watching by. Not 5 seconds after he began building up the power for it Magby unleashed a devastating Flamethrower on the Cherubi that sat there hardly conscious, the cylinder of flame quickly made its way to the small Pokémon, incinerating the nearby flowers and scorching the pathway beneath it before finally coming to the Cherubi, knocking it out and leaving Magby miserably tired. “Good work there, Magby!” Zack exclaimed as he tossed a Pokéball at the scorched remains of the small Cherubi and walked over to congratulate his Magby.


Reader notes:

So basically this is my first story and I decided to try and stray away from some of those clichés, like not having your Pokémon in a ball, or being extremely special and unique, it is just about an average person. Also I tried not to be to serious, after reading a few other peoples stories I think that everything is too serious and that it doesn't seem like an actual persons life. Also I would be really grateful if anyone could explain how to indent my paragraphs

Character count: 8,617
Character count w/ spaces: 10,520
Recommended for Cherubi: 5k-10k
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  #2  
Old 12-02-2009, 11:58 PM
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Default Re: Let's give this a whirl, ready to be graded

I'll claim this one.
Expect a grade within the next week. :D
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  #3  
Old 12-13-2009, 04:07 AM
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Default Re: Let's give this a whirl, ready to be graded

Sorry this was a bit later than expected. I kept telling myself; "Hey. Hey you. You should grade this" and then I never got around to it. >_>


Introduction:
I was greeted with a very confusing introduction, no matter how intriguing it actually was. I didn't really know what was going on, who Zack was, why the squid was there - and then I'm told it's a dream. Having engaging action in the beginning of a story is always a wonderful way to start out, but be sure to make it understandable and relevant to the story.

The second paragraph, (which I'm including in with the introduction) was much better. I learned Zack's appearance, as well as the quirky details on his personality. Actually, what gave way to the most interesting bit about Zack was the brief author interlude.

Quote:
While we have this moment of reprieve I’ll lay out a few things for you, this boy, he isn’t, “The Chosen One” the one who will “Fulfill the prophecy” or any of those things, he is terribly average, basically the same as everyone else, he has his quirks but when it comes down to it this boy is exactly that, a boy. So don’t go expecting anything amazing out of his life. Oh my, it seems he’s done in the shower, back to narrating his life ominously and for no apparent reason.
It was very strategically placed and it reminded me a bit of the very first episode of the Pokemon series. Zack is just a young kid with a Pokemon - which is rare to find in stories. However, keep in mind that although have realism in a plot is good - always flesh out and make it more interesting. As a whole though, the introduction was alright. Keep in mind not to confuse the reader and to try and make things flow a bit more smoothly.


Plot:
In the beginning, Zack was having a dream. Then, he woke up, grabbed Magby and headed out the door for a regular day (of doing what - we weren't told). Then - CHERUBI APPEARS! Although it's written differently than most other beginner stories, it's still the same plot where the trainer just "stumbles" upon a Pokemon. This will work for your first story, but it most certainly won't for stories that use higher tier Pokemon. Think of imaginative ways to encounter the Pokemon you're after. Maybe Cherubi reminded Zach of the Octillery in his dream - so he had to defeat it. Or perhaps Zack caught Magby to specifically get rid of the Cherubi threatening his mother's garden. Again, this works for your first story, but try to be more creative next time around.


Dialogue:
You had sufficient dialogue and for the most part, it was done correctly. Anything that was not will be addressed in the following section. Good job here.


Grammar:
I found absolutely no spelling errors, which really was nice. Just a few grammar things to point out for any future stories;

Quote:
As the harsh scent of mouthwash wafted up into his nostrils and the spray off the bow of the boat singed his eyes Zack stared off into the distance to see something emerging from the depths, something he had been tracking for oh so long, the great and mighty Giant Octillery.
This is a giant run-on sentence! (And it's somewhat confusing). Sometimes, simple sentences are better and more to the point. Perhaps something more along the lines of;
Quote:
As the harsh scent of mouthwash stung his nostrils, the spray from the bow of the boat singed his eyes. Zack had began to stare off into the distance, searching for something unknown. It was then that something began to emerge from the depths - something that he had been tracking for ages... the great and mighty Giant Octillery!
Through the story, I noticed many more run-on sentences, which could be broken with a few commas and periods. Another example may be;
Quote:
As the brow of the powerful beast broke the surface of the water our hero could feel the intensity growing in the storm, the rain of orange soda stung as it hit his bare skin mercilessly, the clap of the thunder grew evermore powerful as the beast reared its ugly head into view.
It could easily be turned into;
Quote:
As the brow of the powerful beast broke the surface of the water, our hero could feel the storm growing intensely. The rain of orange soda stung as it hit his skin mercilessly. Overhead, the clap of thunder grew ever more powerful as the ugly beast came into view.
If you're having trouble deciding on where to split up your sentences, read them out loud to yourself. If you can't say it all in one regular breath, than it should be two or more sentences.

The last thing I wanted to address was the spacing. You can't use indent in the forums, simply because of the coding. The best thing to do would be to separate each paragraph with an "enter". An example is below;

Quote:
“Well maybe we could have made that last just a bit longer, eh Magby?” Zack questioned his companion, jokingly. As he uttered that last word, the faintest movement could be made out from the small and crispy little Cherubi. Soon small wisps of bright light circled above it and a hardly audible high pitched squeal could be heard from the weak little Pokémon. The light continued to accumulate above the leaves of the Cherubi and eventually began to move and sway the blackened leaves and vibrate the ground beneath them causing bits of rubble to bounce along the ground.

“I’ll be damned.” Zack whispered under his breath in surprise.

Soon the light had concentrated itself into a bright yellow ball, churning and swirling. Eventually the immense power Cherubi had been building up was released in a final ditch, last stand, Solar Beam that Magby, while distracted by the last pieces of ash still floating to the ground, took the full force of.

Taking the bulk of the blast Magby fell to the ground, his torso stinging with the burn from the Solar Beam. ETC...
Again, there were more run-on sentences - which you should watch. Otherwise, most spacing will look like this in stories.

Quote:
. As he put them on the mirror came into focus, Blonde and tussled bed hair, eyes of a shade of blue that was just on the edge of green, his lack of clothing became even more apparent then when he had only a slight chill, he was extremely skinny, enough so that his ribs were visible while he sat slouched and half asleep.
There's no reason for blonde to be capitalized and this is another run-on. D:
(Very descriptive, though).

Quote:
“I’ll be damned.” Zack whispered under his breath in surprise.
Seeing as Zack is whispering the statement, there shouldn't be a period. Instead, it should be a comma, because the following sentence supports the speech.

Quote:
Not 5 seconds after he began building up the power for it Magby unleashed a devastating Flamethrower on the Cherubi that sat there hardly conscious, the cylinder of flame quickly made its way to the small Pokémon, incinerating the nearby flowers and scorching the pathway beneath it before finally coming to the Cherubi, knocking it out and leaving Magby miserably tired.
This is another run-on sentence! Really, REALLY watch them in your next story. Description is of course, very important - but you have to remember to start a new sentence when the subject changes (in this case, when Cherubi moves and when Magby moves should be two different sentences). Also, any number under one hundred should be spelled out. Therefore, 5 should be five.

Quote:
“Oh I’ll show her whose boss” Zack cynically grumbled reaching for Magby’s Pokéball.
In this instance, "whose" should be "who's" since you're saying "who is" boss, rather than who the boss is to someone.

You had lovely spelling and a decent concept of grammar. Just WATCH THE RUN-ON SENTENCES, and you'll do fine in future stories.


Detail:
This was easily the best section of your story. You described everything as much as you could, giving life to Zach, the surroundings and everything else you could think of. The only thing I noticed that wasn't described is Magby. You have to pretend readers don't know what Pokemon are, so you have to describe what they look like. What color is Magby? Does it look like a duck? A horse? A pogo stick?

Other than forgetting Magby's detail, it was well thought out and described to a good extent. Good job here too.


Length:
Your length was, including spaces, over the maximum amount required. You did a wonderful job here. I hope you continue to surpass the limits.


Battle:
I liked this battle. I was expecting Magby to just use Fire Blast and have Cherubi be OHKO'd. Instead, I was treated with a sassy Cherubi who battled back against Magby with everything she had. Solar Beam, Take Down, dodging fire attacks... I liked it. It wasn't what I was expecting at all.

Magby also showed off a wide array of moves, which graders always like to see.

This section was easily your second best section - and it was well balanced battle wise. It was descriptive, with moves each mon knew. Next time, try to incorporate your surroundings a bit more, but for a first story, it was very well done.


Catching:
This is your first story and I was relatively pleased to read it. Though I had a lot of trouble reading over the run-on sentences, your battle and description made up for it - especially since it is your first story. Really work on sentence structure and I'm sure more of your stories will be great successes. Cherubi Captured!
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