Catch That magikarp (Need Grader!)

[luke39]

Catch That Magikarp!


My Pokemon: Magby
Pokemon Trying to Be Captured: Magikarp
Character’s Needed: 3k to 5k
Characters Without Spaces: 3,606
Characters with Spaces: 4,553


It was a sunny average day; I was heading to Eterna City. I was walking happily and was ready to walk into Eterna Forest and I saw a lake! I was thinking whether or not should I keep going on to Eterna City or should I go fishing for a while? Then a man came along and I said

“Hi”

And he said hello back, and also he asked me what I was doing in the middle of the road and I said that I was deciding whether to keep going on to Eterna City or go fishing. He replied to me

“Well I’m going to do a bit of fishing!”

So I decided to go fishing with him. But first I asked him his name and he said Jason and I said my name was Luke and he was happy.

As we were walking over to the lake we saw Tentacool’s, Goldeen’s and lots of other pokemon swimming. So then we both cast our rods out and he got a nibble straight away so he tried to reel it in and it got only just got away. And then he felt another nibble and he reeled it in and yet again he missed! Then after a while I still hadn’t gotten a bite and he had 2, then all of a sudden he got yet another nibble on his line and he reeled it in and this time a pokemon came out it was a Shiny Lotad! I was so surprised he had got a shiny and he was ecstatic and wanted to capture it so he battled it and he had a hard fought battle but then while Lotad wasn’t looking Jason threw a pokeball and captured the Lotad! I was wishing I had caught that Shiny Lotad but I still didn’t have a nibble on my line so we packed up and headed back to have some lunch!

After having lunch in town we didn’t know what to do so we walked around town for a while, and then we saw a man who was selling pokemon? So we walked over to him and asked him what he was selling and he said Shiny Magikarp’s only $20! Jason wanted a Shiny Magikarp so he bought one and we walked away and then after only 1 minute Jason figured out it was a scam it wasn’t Shiny it was a normal Magikarp so we ran after the man and he was packing up and I thought quickly and sent out Magby and told it

“Use Flamethrower on the strange man!”

And Magby burnt him with a big red glowing line of fire, he dropped his bag and out of his bag and about 20 Magikarp’s came out of his bag, he was scamming people so I kept guard of the man so Jason could run to get Officer Jenny! After a while Jason came running and whit Officer Jenny and then the strange man tried to run away so he sprinted behind a tree so I told Tailow to use Steel Wing on the tree and the tree broke in half and Officer Jenny saw the strange man and put him under arrest, Officer Jenny gave us a cash reward for capturing him she gave us each $200 and we thanked her genoursly and kept walking back to town and we saw another sale but it was at the Pokemart so we went inside and there was really good bait for fishing on sale, so Jason and I bought some of the bait and decided to go fishing again. So we headed back to were we fished last time and started to fish. We started fishing and Jason got the first bite again and reeled it in and out came a Mantyke!

Jason was so excited he wanted this Mantyke badly so he sent out his Shiny Lotad and battled the Mantyke it was a fierce battle but Jason won the battle and caught the Mantyke I was happy for him but was sad I hadn’t got 1 yet then after a while I finally felt a nibble on my line! I wound the rod in and splash it was a Magikarp I was astounded that I had fished a Magikarp! So I decided to battle it!

First I sent out Magby and told it

“Use Tackle!” I Told Magby!

Magby went flying through the air and hit Magikarp with its head. It hit Magikarp directly and caused a lot of damage to it, but then Magikarp used Tackle on Magby it was a hard tackled and knocked Magby over a few paces so I told Magby

“Use Ember!”

Magby started gaining energy and released a ball of fire out of its mouth. It Hit Magikarp hardly and caused bad damage to it but then Magikarp used Flail as it’s tail splashed to attack Magby, it didn’t hurt Magby to badly, So I told Magby

“Dodge Any Move It Tries To Do And Use Flamethrower To Finish It Off!”

Magikarp didn’t use another move so Magby started taking in a lot of energy into its mouth and looked like it was chocking on something, then it released a long line red glowing fire it was a direct hit on Magikarp It was knocked out, so I threw a pokeball at the Magikarp!

It swayed from side to side…

[Lord Fedora]

Mine, and I'm spot-grading it. I'll have it in an day, cross my heart and hope to commit sepuku.

[Lord Fedora]

Introduction

You introduce the setting properly, but that's all you do, erm, well. You don't really introduce the main character, you don't make for any real setting up beyond "oh, I met a man and decided to go fishing with him," and it's just overall not well written. I'm looking at a few of your past stories, and while they aren't necessarily Pulitzer winning they show me that you can do far better than this.

Plot

Extremely disjointed, I'll say that. It seems like a random chronicle of a person's day, and the only part that was actually interesting was right in the middle with the Magikarp scam. That I actually liked, it seemed like a tie-in with the anime and was relatively action-packed. The rest, though, was slow and lacked any kind of depth. The entire story, with the exception of that section, was shallow. The trick to a good story when it comes to plot is developing everything, and showing the growth of your characters.

Grammar

Oh boy. You know what, I'll just cover one thing, and then I'll go over the full array of issues with you later.

Then a man came along and I said

“Hi”

Okay, so, I know the rule is usually interpreted that you're supposed to start a new line every time someone speaks for simplicity, but it's actually more every time someone new starts an action. So in this case you wouldn't have that be one sentence. It would be more like:

Then a man came along.

I said “Hi”

And note you'd want to put in a lot more detail to make it less awkward. For instance, is he smiling when he says hi? Is there anything particular about where the character is? What does the man actually look like -_-. Also, quotation marks do not double as periods and commas. Remember that. I'm going to leave this alone now though, because I have something far more pressing to go into.

Detail

So apparently during your ban you forgot that we love description here. Detailed description. Very well thought out detailed description. Based on your last story you got that down fairly well, but you seem to need a refresher sooooo...

People

What do your characters look like? What are their features, what do their clothes and hair look like, what are their facial expressions? You need to make sure we have a clear depiction of the physical appearance of every primary character. For example, in your first paragraph you introduce two characters, the narrator and Jason. You could easily have fleshed out and expanded the story by making that paragraph into two, one introducing Luke and his environment and one then introducing Jason, both describing them perfectly.

Setting

We got the basic geography, okay. We know you're at a lake, fine. But what does it look like? How does the air feel, what's the atmosphere. Is it fall, are the trees yellow? Or maybe it's spring and there are flowers blooming everywhere in all different shades. We don't know because you don't tell us. And without that how can we, as readers, picture what is going on in the story?

Pokemon

Okay, I'll admit, this is an easy one to forget. We all know what a Pokemon looks like on hearing the name. I know exactly what a Magby, Lotad, Mantyke, and Magikarp all look like. But that's beside the point. You need to describe them, plain and simple. Give a thorough detailed explanation of what they all look like, maybe add some interesting nuances that set them apart from others of their species (though don't go overboard with that, it makes it look like you're trying too hard). Pretend you're writing it for some schoolchildren in the former marshlands of Iraq who have never even heard of Pokemon. They'll want a description so they know what the creatures that are fighting look like.

Altogether, it's apparent that you've simply forgotten that we look for all of this. I looked at your last story, and the description is much better than this. I know you can do it, you know you can do it, so just do it.

Battle

I can't help but feel kind of cheated here. First of all, Jason's battles. Luke states, and I quote,

he had a hard fought battle but then while Lotad wasn’t looking Jason threw a pokeball and captured the Lotad

it was a fierce battle

You know what this reminds me of? In comedy plays and movies, where some epic fight scene goes on and the camera remains off of the fight and on some other character who goes on and on about how unbelievably amazing a battle it is, then pans back when it's over. It's funny in visual media (sometimes). It's not in written work. It's cooler when you actually tell what happens in the battle.

Secondly, the battle with Magikarp was... kind of lame. It was just a standard back and forth of attacks, like in the games. No combos, no interesting moves, no evidence of planning by either Magikarp or Luke, just hit for hit for hit. That's not what I want to see. I want to see that Luke has some level of strategic intelligence and do something unique with Magby's attacks, or utilize the environment in fighting, or use some EMs. That's the kind of thing we look for when Grading.

Development

I'm adding this section to my Grades now because I consider it separate from plot and I think it should be focused on more. Characters and story structures need to be developed. In this instance, the characters are flat and dynamic, and rather boring as well. Take Luke, for instance. He has no back story. He's just wandering around near Eterna Forest for no apparent reason. I don't know if he's collecting badges or doing Contests or what, but there's no explanation. I don't know where Magby came from either, or why Luke is so quick to trust Jason. And this is what really bugged me.

I wound the rod in and splash it was a Magikarp I was astounded that I had fished a Magikarp!

So your friend catches a Shiny Lotad and a Mantyke (which doesn't actually make any particular sense, since Mantine and Mantyke are saltwater Pokemon that live in the ocean while Lotad are freshwater Pokemon that prefer lakes and rivers, but I digress), and you're feeling jealous that you haven't caught anything, and then when you do catch something it's a Magikarp. And, rather than get pissed off that it's just a Magikarp, you're astounded by the thought. Now, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. Luke could have a very good reason for getting excited about a Magikarp. But that's the thing, I don't know why that is. As far as I can tell he's finding it awesome that he reeled in the most common fish in the Pokemon world. You basically missed out on a golden opportunity here. You could have either made Luke more 3-dimensional by showing him with a little passion, getting annoyed by this rather worthless thing, or you could have done it by creating backstory or giving us insight into his logic. You missed that, that's a bad thing.

Final Verdict

I never thought I'd be saying this, but Magikarp not captured! I'd say fix the description and add some depth to your characters and your plot, and then it's an easy pass even with the grammar problems (which I'll address in the regrade). So good luck, and better luck with the next draft.

Edit: Oh, I forgot one thing.

Length

Easy enough to green-light, but this grade is actually longer than your story xD. Fleshed out description and development should fix that though (winkwink)

[Galleon]

Welp, it might seem strange to suddenly come in here a month later and overturn Khajmer's grade, BUT GUESS WHAT? THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M DOING.

luke39, go ahead and take your Magikarp. Quite simply, Khajmer was too harsh and not very constructive in his grade, and besides, it's a freaking Magikarp. It's clear enough that you put a bit of effort into your story, and that's really all we ask for this difficulty of capture. Sorry it took me so long to see and fix this for you, but there you go.

[luke39]

Thanks Galleon I'm Currently writing a new story that is going to be long and descriptive, now i can get this Magikarp to Gyrados then TM it up!