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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 12-21-2009, 11:03 PM
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Default Belladonna Griefkiller and the Chain Smoking Mareep [PG/13] Ready for grading! [WWC]

*Disclaimer: Thoughts, feeling and actions in the following story may/do not match the true feeling of the author.

Belladonna Griefkiller and the Chain Smoking Mareep:

Genre: Humour / Dark

Quick Glossary before reading (mainly for slang words some readers might not understand):

Spliff: Marijauna
Dobbed: Told on, grassed up, snitched on.
Yo: Hi, or randomly used when gangsters are talking.
Chav: Gangsters, a way of speaking.
T'inking: The word 'thinking' with an Irish accent.
Om nom nom: Eating?
Shanking: Stabbing, tearing, ripping, anything involving a sharp object or knife.

Prologue:

He twisted a spliff roll in his stubby leg endings.

“Top of the morning’ to ya laddy,” one of his yellow fleeced cohorts joyfully bellowed at him, from across a not-so-secret base corridor. He stumbled over to his master, being careful he didn't trip over himself.

“Yo, be quiet brother,” he said in a low, solid chav-like accent. “Smoking a ciggie here.”

“Yes, and I know what you’re t’inking, but Griefkiller is on our case, fool.”

The boss lit his fleece alight with the stub of his ciggie, but quickly put it out with a quick pat-pat-pat of his stubby legs.

“Griefkiller, eh brother?” he asked.

“Uh huh, laddy, and apparently he’s dobbed us in to the crackheads, you know, those pigs?”

“The pigs eh brother?” he mumbled with high pitch. “Probably too busy shanking up doughnuts with their teeth, eh brother?”

Another woolly guy walked through the double glazed doors from the corridor. He apparently had overheard their conversation.

“Si, I has a message for you,” he growled, like a villain, admittedly. Of course, he was obviously from another area in the city with grammar issues. He whipped out a TV from his fleece pocket (don’t ask me how it got there), and slammed it onto the auburn desk that the spliff master was sitting at. He was surprised the whole thing didn’t collapse with the force of the slam. The monitor crackled to life, and there was footage of a big brown lump, munching a doughnut:

“Om nom om nom om nom burp.”

The spliff master winced.

“Pigs, eh? Makes me sick, brother.”

The Irish fleeced cohort decided to give some input.

“Got anymore spliff, Albion?”

“Yeah man.”

And the room became nauseous with smoke.

Last edited by Etymology; 01-11-2010 at 09:47 PM.
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Old 12-23-2009, 08:08 PM
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Default Re: Belladonna Griefkiller and the Chain Smoking Mareep (BGCSM) [PG/13] Not finished!


Chapter One:

It was a silent day in the humble town of the Barony of East Fisher. The town was often known for the pungent aroma of coal on an open fireplace, due to the fact that many factories inhabited the town. Look left, there will be a nuclear power plant. Look right, a sugar factory. Blink, and you miss a rare, beautiful bird Pokemon. That was the ‘law’ that the town followed, but not with pride. The town was essentially one of those typical cities, but the Barony of East Fisher remained a town as no-one could be bothered to change the title.

Belladonna Griefkiller (friends call her Belle) skipped merrily down the street, an act rare in the Barony of East Fisher. Why be happy when there was nothing to be happy for? It was hard to come across money, the street stunk of the aforementioned coal, and there was probably a mugging, thieving Skuntank (a huge purple mammalian Pokemon with a tan white stripe running down it) with pink overalls and shades around every corner. Why be happy when there was nothing to be happy for?

Belle was a Lickitung, a fat, strawberry pink lizard-like creature with an abnormally large tongue, that was bipedal. If you wanted to avoid getting saliva on your feet, I’d suggest a bicycle, as the tongue really is long enough to touch the floor.

The local pig grotto was just around the corner. The pigs were a specially trained group of police officers. They were not called pigs out of hate, just out of species name. The pigs were Piloswine, podgy lumps of living meat covered in brown fur, with tusks that could pierce through doughnuts. They also had button noses and eyes that were covered underneath the aforementioned fur, so you couldn’t see them. Belle was travelling there as recently, there was a major drug raid with a bunch of gangsters, who thought they were hard. Belle despised these kinds of people. Enjoying themselves for the sake of others. Truly despicable.

The grotto was a tall green building draped in Christmas lights, which nobody has ever bothered to take down. The grotto was nicknamed ‘The Barony’s Christmas Tree’. It had at least fifty floors, the last one being a training room, that no one except the Piloswine pigs could enter. On the first floor, where Belle was headed. From there, she would hear all about the druggies, and if she could do anything about it. You see, Belle loved crime fighting. She’d put her long, sticky tongue on the line, time after time.

Ahead of Belle was the translucent blue door that she had to get through. It was a very taxing procedure.

She opened the door and walked in.

Once she was in, Belle had to climb a flight of stairs, but first, she wanted to admire and take in her surroundings, like she did with every visit to the grotto, as it helps her remember her surroundings, and that can be useful. The room was chock full of filing cabinets. However, instead of paper being filed and put into the aforementioned cabinets, they were merely scattered on the floor. That was another reason why the Piloswine were called ‘the pigs’. Their messy habit was sometimes of general annoyance, especially to any Swablu or Altaria that flew through the doors (both were sky blue bird Pokemon with fluffy, cotton-like wings. Altaria was bigger than Swablu). The room was white, but the entire room was stained somewhere with brown splodges, which was either mud or Piloswine excrement. Maybe that was why the room smelt like dung.

Belle rushed herself up the stairs, sparkly eyed. She almost made it to the last step, but tripped over her long, sticky tongue. She fell down the flight of stairs, and crashed on the base floor. She looked up, teary eyed this time, and mumbled a few words.

“Ow.”

She tried again, but this time she put some of her tongue in her mouth. She made it up the terrible stairs, and onto the first floor. This room was unlike the first. Yes, it was untidy, yes, it still smelt of crap, but the atmosphere was different. It usually had a joyous, wonderful atmosphere, enough to make any Pokemon elated. Today, however, it had a glum atmosphere, which probably wasn’t helped with the constant moaning of the pigs. Otherwise, yes, this room was exactly the same as the room below it.

“Why so gloomy, choomy?” Belle asked one of the nearby pigs, bouncing toward him.

“Ugh, the spliff master. He was in our grasp. He escaped as soon as we entered the headquarters. I knew we should have Earthquake’d ‘em when we had the chance.” he mumbled through his mouth, whilst finishing off a doughnut. The pigs were so hard to understand, with all that hair in the way. Thankfully Belle could speak pig.

“Oink? Belle said.

“Are you mocking me girl? Damn you, I should give you a taste of Ancientpower, but I ain’t allowed as you’re a valuable asset to our squad.”

“Bahaha, I’m joking. You pigs are too easy to upset,” Belle laughed, with each sound making another drop of saliva from her tongue fall to the floor.

“One of these days Belle, one of these days,” the pig started, trembling slightly.

“One of these days what?” Belle asked, her tongue slowly travelling to the floor.

“Ugh…,” the pig grumbled.

“A hollow threat, piggy?” Belle giggled.

“Like I said, if you weren’t a valuable asset, I’d have your head off.”

“Haha, fine,” Belle finished.

“Anyway, it’s not all bad,” the pig began. “We’ve found out that the wool of the druggies contains high amounts of spliff, and that when it’s mixed with the wool and ginseng, can be used to cure Pokerus.”

Pokerus was a disease that caused Pokemon to become stronger as they grow. The disease leaves in time, yet the effect still stays. It is caused my microscopic creatures that attach themselves to the Pokemon.

“Wait, I thought Pokerus was a good thing? And what kind of Pokemon are the druggies anyway?” Belle asked, intrigued.

“Well, Pokerus is a good thing, but it can have some pretty nasty side-effects once it has worn off for a couple of years, such as constant nausea, headaches and sweat drops. The wool will help us make a vaccination against the side-effects. And the Pokemon in question are Mareep, blue mammalian Pokemon with yellow fur that covers their entire body. They also control the element of electricity,” the pig responded.

“So, how can we harness the power of this wool, so to speak?”

“That’s where you come in, Belle,” the pig smiled. “We wish for you to become a barber for the Mareep. When each job is done, you collect the wool and mail it to us. We’ll combine it with ginseng, and send it off to Pokemon help hospitals. Think you could do that for us?”

“Well, I don’t know,” Belle began. “Isn’t it kinda dangerous?

“Only if you tell the Mareep you’re with us. Otherwise, you’re fine.”

“Well, in that case, I accept!”

And with that, Belladonna Griefkiller become the Paladin Barber of the Barony of East Fisher.

That was one year ago…


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Life was getting boring for Belle. Day in, day out, it was one rude Mareep after another. Belle’s barber shop was located across the street from the pig grotto. It was decorated with yellow and blue lights, something Mareep would be attracted to. Inside, the shop had the strong smell of marijuana, as the grotto supplied spliff to Belle’s barber, to reel in the Mareep, and get more Pokerus vaccinations. Every day the Mareep would come, and light another cigar in Belle’s store. Belle tried not to breathe through her tiny nose during the service. She hated the smell and apparently the materials in spliff leave terrible health risks.

It was just another normal day. Belle had two reservations for two Mareep, and one was due soon. Belle was just cleaning up the wool from the floor to send to the grotto when one of the Mareep walked in.

“You. Give. Me. Haircut. Now,” he mumbled, similar to how a brain-dead Piloswine would speak. Belle rolled her eyes.

“Grab a spliff, and get in the chair,” she grumbled, pointing her arm towards the chair. Same old, same old, it seems. It was becoming a problem in the Barony of East Fisher. Mareep were being stereotyped against as gangsters, and this young Mareep wasn’t helping the cause.

“Thanks,” he uttered, and he licked the edge of a spliff roll before he got out his lighter, and lit the cigar. He then sat on the chair, where he was to get a new look. “Just. A. Little. Off. The. Side.”

Belle took note of this, but that didn’t mean she had to follow this ‘suggestion’. She cut away many yellow strands of electrical wool. Hair after hair fell, and soon, Belle was done.

“It’s. Kind. Of. Cold. In. Here,” the Mareep began, talking even slower than before. “There. Are. No. Mirrors. How. Can. I. See. Myself?”

“Mirrors make me nauseous,” Belle uttered gruffly.

“Do. I. Look. OK?” The Mareep uttered slowly. This thing was getting annoying.

“You look fine,” Belle lied as she rolled her eyes. In all honesty, the Mareep looked ridiculous. Instead of the usual yellow wool covering the Mareep, a scarred pink flesh showed.

“Thanks. For. The. Spliff,” Mareep rumbled, as he jumped out of the barber chair and tottered out of the door.

“Thank. God. For. That,” Belle growled mockingly. She only had one more client for the day, then she could go home, relax, probably have an ice cream or ten.

A few minutes passed. Bursting through the transparent doors of the barber shop, was a Mareep. But this wasn’t your usual Mareep. This Mareep had unusual pink wool, instead of the usual yellow wool that Mareep seemed to possess.

“Hello, I’m here for my haircut,” she chimed. She had an exceptionally soothing voice, and Belle was taken aback.

“H-hi. Please take a spliff roll and come sit here,” she stuttered, sweat dropping like characters in an anime would.

“Ugh, no thanks,” the shiny Mareep mumbled. “Those things are hazards to your health.”

Thank God, someone with common sense around here, Belle thought to herself. “How would you like the haircut to be done?”

Not like the Mareep had a choice.

“A minor trim, with curling, conditioner and shampoo. Got it?” the Mareep requested.

“I’ll have it done for you in a jiffy,” Belle remarked, and she began snipping away. Belle was intrigued by the fact that the curly pink wool shone as it fell to the ground. She had to apply conditioner and shampoo halfway through the procedure to deceive the Mareep, but in about ten minutes, the job was done.

“Is there an open freezer in here or something?” the bald Mareep barked. Now she looked like any other Mareep that entered and exited the barber shop.

“No ma’am, just an open window,” Belle responded. “And I’m sorry you can’t view yourself in a mirror, mirror’s make me nauseous.”

“That’s ridiculous!” the Mareep yelled. “What kind of barber doesn’t have mirrors?”

And with that, she jumped out of the chair, and walked out of the door.

It’s a good thing all the other Mareep aren’t as clever as her, or I’d have a lot of angry customers, Belle thought. She lit a spliff roll, and stubbed the mass of pink wool on the floor, so she could mix it together. She stuck all the wool in a plastic bag, and with the yellow wool she acquired earlier that today, mailed it outside the grotto door. She then began to walk back towards her quiet home.

Time for ice cream!

Last edited by Etymology; 01-12-2010 at 06:44 PM.
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Old 12-24-2009, 10:31 AM
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Default Re: Belladonna Griefkiller and the Chain Smoking Mareep (BGCSM) [PG/13] Not finished!


Chapter Two:

Belle walked home speedily. Why was she walking home speedily? She wanted her ice cream, of course. She was walking so fast that she occasionally tripped over her pink, fat tongue.

“Mmm, ice cream,” Belle whispered, licking her lips, which was more like licking her face due to the massive tongue.

The street had an ominous feel to it that night. Like a sinister presence was approaching. Belle turned the last corner on the way home, which was about five blocks away from the grotto, and suddenly, she glowed a purple glow, and instantly disappeared.

She re-appeared in a pitch black room. The room had no feel to it, no atmosphere, no smell. Belle was instantly terrified.

“Wh-who’s there?” Belle managed to say, and a wise voice filled the room.

“You are in grave danger!” The voice boomed, in a somewhat robot-y voice.

“W-what do you mean?” Belle asked, frustrated. She began to sweat a salty fluid, and she began to panic. “Urk.”

“Instead of me telling you, let me show you!” the voice yelled again, and suddenly Belle’s brain was filled with words, words that weren’t coming from the real world.

Release the giant single minded Bidoof!

And suddenly, she was back to her consciousness again.

“B-but, who said that?” Belle asked. She couldn’t believe she had this much courage to ask a somewhat all mighty being these questions.

“That is a mystery you must explore yourself,” the voice said, fading out as it approached the last word, and Belle was whisked back to the street she was originally on again.

Lights flickered in the pitch black room she was in. The small red fish, with two long whiskers and fins that ended with sharp, jagged points with lots of different scales, that was telling Belle this information flopped around with a proud look on its face.

Magikarp..

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Belle slowly tottered home, traumatized.

“W-what was that old Pokemon talking about?” Belle uttered to herself. “And what is this danger that will befall me? ‘Release the giant single minded Bidoof!’? What does that mean? And what the heck is a giant single minded Bidoof?”

She reached her home. She pushed the stone cold steel door that led into the inside of her house, and took in her surroundings. Comics, DVDs and books were scattered across the floor. Belle loved books, especially comedy and dark genre books. The room smelt of exotic fruits and strawberries, bananas and chocolate. The walls that surrounded the floor had yellow wallpaper stuck neatly on them, and between the folds where the wallpaper was applied, saliva oozed out. Imprinted upon the wallpaper were images of ice cream. Belle smiled.

“Ice creeeaaaaam!” Belle shrieked in excitement, as she rushed towards her kitchen. She was no longer worried by the Magikarp’s warning. Ice cream made everything better. She stumbled into her kitchen. It was eerily cold, probably due to the three or four freezers plaguing the four corners of the room. Each one had a different label on it, indicating the variety of flavours in the freezer. Belle wandered towards the freezer labelled ‘mixes’, and opened the door. The sudden scent of chocolate and mint rushed up Belle’s nostrils. She carefully selected a tub of ice cream labelled ‘Pikachu and Jerry’s mint muffin selection’, closed the fridge, and walked back to her front room. She plonked herself upon a chocolate brown couch, and flicked on the TV. Haunter Hill’s TV Burp was showing. Belle giggled. She loved that show.

After half an hour of senseless giggling, Belle’s shiny, red phone began to ring. Belle quickly shut up and took the call.

“Hello?” she said into the phone.

“Hello Belle. This is commander Porky, head pig at the pig grotto,” the Piloswine on the other end of the phone said. “We need you to come back down to the station. It’s concerning the odd pink wool you sent to us a few hours ago. We need you to come here straight away, it’s urgent.”

“Fine,” Belle sighed, and slammed down the phone. She licked the remaining contents of the ice cream tub, and departed from her house.

The sky’s above the grotto were a light blue. It seemed like today would be a good day. Hopefully the urgent ‘thing’ would be a good thing. She stood before the pig grotto, the tall green Christmas tree-like structure, and began the taxing procedure once again.

She opened the door and walked in.

Commander Porky was standing on one of the chairs near a computer desk on the bottom floor. Chairs were almost useless to Piloswine, as they could not re-adjust their stumpy legs to get into a sitting position, so they just stood on them. Porky signalled to Belle to go over there, and so, she did.

“Hello, Belle,” Porky began.

“Howdy pig,” Belle responded. She could not stifle a giggle. Howdy, heh. What a word. Porky probably rolled his eyes, if you could see them.

“This is regarding the odd pink wool you sent to us,” Porky began again. “We have discovered that it can negate the effects of the Gengar seal.”

“The Gengar seal?” Belle asked confused. “What is that?”

“The Gengar seal is a seal that causes the holder to be immune to Fighting, Normal and Ground type attacks,” Porky replied.

“And why does the Gengar seal need to be negated?”

“Simple, the spliff master owns it. This means that we can hardly dent him when it comes to super effective attacks, and you can’t even hit it with same type attack bonus attacks. This helps the spliff master become extremely evasive.”

“So, we wave the pink wool around in front of it, and it stops the Gengar seal?”

“Ayup,” Porky responded. “But we went one further, and knitted it into this lovely pink sweater!” He dangled the sweater on one tusk in front of Belle.

“That’s beautiful!” Belle chimed. “Doesn’t it smell of spliff though?”

“Eh, heh, it’ll wear off.” Porky gave the sweater to Belle, and she slipped it on. A sweater wouldn't prepare her for the events that would come next, however.

Above the green grotto the sky turned grey. The winds blew harshly. The next thing came unexpectedly.

Boom!

Everyone in the grotto leapt to their feet if they weren’t already standing.

“Wh-what the hell is going on?” Porky yelled. He followed Belle, who was already standing outside. What he saw shocked his eyes, if he could see out of them. Stood before them was a building. This building was on fire.

“My barber shop!” Belle screeched. “I have no insurance on that building!”

“Looks like the druggies have figured out our plan,” Porky sighed.

Belle could hear sirens going off in her head, and in the real world, as a fire engine filled with Buizel (orange otter-like Pokemon with two tails that propel them in water) pulled over near the building. The Buizel ran out of the vehicle, and fired frothy water from their mouths. It would take a while for the fire to be put out.

The source of the fire became apparent. Above the building, shrouded in smoke, was a yellow helicopter designed like a Mareep’s body. Leaning outside of the helicopter was a familiar face.

“I am Albion Quakemage!” the Mareep yelled from the sky. “You may know me as the spliff master, brother!”

“Wh-why must you continue to commit bad deeds?!” Belle yelled back up to him. “I promise, I will catch you, and I will kill you!”

“Bahaha!” Albion began laughing. “You’ll have to find me first!”

And with that, Albion held up a grey sphere in his stubby leg endings. It was obvious to Belle what this item was.

“A-a bomb!” Belle choked. “Everyone cover! Now!”

Albion Quakemage hurtled the object towards the green grotto, and the bomb exploded on impact. The grotto began falling. A tear fell from Porky’s eye.

“Belle, there is only one thing we can do,” he wept. “You must chase Albion. We’ll be fine here.”

“B-but, I need you guys!” Belle croaked.

“This may be our last meeting. Go after Albion, before he gets away!”

Albion’s plane began to turn, and fly away.

“Now!” Porky yelled, and charged towards Belle, grappled her into his tusks, and flung her in the air.

“Use your tongue!” Porky shouted up to her. Belle knew exactly what he meant. She uncoiled her extremely long tongue, and shot it forward. The long appendage wrapped around the bottom of the plane, where the stands were. Now all she needed to do was hang on, and hope she wasn’t noticed.

It’s a shame she was.

“Look who we have here laddy?” the Irish Mareep called out to her.

“Uh,” was the only word she had time to say, as she was suddenly zapped with electrical energy.

“Let this be a lesson to ya lassie!” the Mareep cried out, as he kept on zapping Belle with a Thundershock attack. Belle’s tongue slowly unwrapped around the bottom of the helicopter, and, although she tried to hold on, fell from the skies.

She screamed. She screamed for an age, screaming as her end approached her, the fangs of death coming towards her, getting thirstier every second.

She hit the ground with a thud. Squish.

Last edited by Etymology; 12-24-2009 at 09:14 PM.
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Old 12-24-2009, 07:04 PM
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Default Re: Belladonna Griefkiller and the Chain Smoking Mareep (BGCSM) [PG/13] Not finished!


Chapter Three:

Squish.

Belle lay unconscious on a cold forest floor. Something had broke her fall. But what could break your fall in a forest?

She was rudely awakened by a splash of water.

“Where am I?” she spluttered as soon as she woke up. She stood up and looked around. She was in a forest, that was certain. She was surrounded by lovely crimson logs, with yellow leaves tipping the top. She walked over to one of the trees. It was slathered in an extremely viscous amber liquid. She touched the liquid with her hand, and put that to her extremely long tongue. This was honey. She continued to lick the honey of the tree, like a leech would suck on a fresh host. When all the honey was gone, which took about thirty seconds, Belle turned around again. She looked up. The sky was a deep purple. It was definitely night time.

“You’re in the Mahogany Forest,” a voice shouted out. Belle jumped, startled.

“Who’s there?”

“Tee hee,” the voice said. It almost sounded childish. “Look down.”

Belle tilted her head downwards. When she saw what was on the ground, she thought she was looking into heaven.

“Ice creeeaaaaam!” Belle shrieked, as laying before her was a lovely ice cream sundae, topped with almonds, marshmallows and hundreds and thousands. She hastily picked up the spoon that was lying in the bowl, but quickly threw it to the floor when a voice came from the spoon.

”Put me down!” The spoon said.

Belle thought she was becoming delusional.

“Sp-spoons don’t talk! Do they?”

“Of course not, silly!” The voice from the spoons said once again. “Now let me show you my true form!”

The spoon and the ice cream bowl suddenly began to glow and change shape, the spoon and the bowl joined together, and then the outline suddenly became wavy. The shape before Belle looked like a blue jelly, and this blue jelly sparkled like the pink wool Belle was wearing.

“What the hell are you?” Belle asked, confused. She hadn’t heard of a Pokemon that can shift its shape.

“I’m a Ditto, silly,” the Ditto replied, giggling ever so slightly. “I’m a shiny one at that, and you may call me Blue.”

“But, how can you do that weird stuff? How can you change your form and your shape?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” the Ditto giggled again. “That’s an ability all us Ditto possess. I’m no different.”

“Mkay,” Belle muttered, deep in thought. “I remember falling from a helicopter. How the hell could I survive if I fell from that height?”

“Yes, I’m quite annoyed about that,” Blue growled. “You landed straight on me when I was enjoying my evening snooze.”

“There’s no time for this!” Belle yelled. “I need to chase after Albion Quakemage!”

“Albion Quakemage?!” Blue asked excitedly, eyes shining widely. “He’s my idol, I visit him every bank holiday!”

“Look, can you transform into something that can take me to him?” Belle asked. She doubted her question, but it was worth a shot.

“Sure thing ma’am,” Blue replied, and the shape shifting process began. Blue began to glow white once again, and his outline changed. Blue gained a slim figure, ears, legs, arms, a long tail, and a snout. Blue stopped glowing, and before Belle was a beige cat-like figure, with squinting eyes. The hands and feet ended in pointy tips, and the body seemed to have odd brown plating. Despite changing shape, the figure still retained Ditto’s characteristic eyes and smile.

“Now I’m an Abra!” Blue squealed. “Hold on to me, and I’ll take you to Albion!”

Belle was nervous about this procedure, but she put one of her stumpy arms on Blue, who was now actually beige, and the process began. The two began to glow an alternating white and pink, and the two suddenly disappeared into nothingness.

-------------------------------------------------------------

The helicopter slowly descended, spiralling around to try to get a good land.

“Eh, brother, back it up a bit,” Albion grumbled from the passenger seat.

“Hey, laddy, I’m doing the best I can,” the Irish Mareep muttered. The helicopter finally landed, and the rotors stopped spinning. Albion jumped out of the yellow copter, followed by his cohort.

“This should be the perfect place to set up the machine, init brother,” Albion mumbled, hauling out a silver cube from the plane. It was about half a Mareep’s size. It shone like gold, and it appeared to be as solid as diamond.

“So laddy, what does this ‘ere machine do?” his cohort asked.

“Bahaha, this amplifies the power of the Gengar seal!” Albion replied. That damn ‘Belle’ won’t be able to touch us with this!”

“What does ‘amplify’ mean laddy?”

“Simply put, nothing can harm us! Haha!”

Not that Albion noticed this, but Belle and Blue were already standing there.

The Irish Mareep tapped his leader’s shoulder.

“Uh, laddy? The scandals are standing there.”

“Lolwut? He said in chatspeak confusion.

“Hiya, Albion,” Belle said in a menacing fashion. “What’s that little box you got there?”

“God dammit,” Albion swore, and he prepared himself for a battle. Albion released electrical energy from his body, and fired it towards a nearby tree. The tree immediately caught fire and began to fall towards Belle and Blue.

“I’m off,” Blue mumbled, and still in Abra form, teleported away from the scene.

“Aw heck,” Belle muttered, and tried to jump away from the collapsing tree. She successfully jumped away with her stumpy legs, but the tree scraped her body, causing her to squint in pain.

Albion was still on the offensive, as he fired multicoloured beams from his horn-like ears. The beams seeped through the log in front of Belle, and seemed to contaminate it. The log went an eerie purple colour, and suddenly exploded. Belle shielded herself from the falling debris. She seemed safe as none appeared to hit her. Belle took advantage of this by curling herself into a ball. She then shot herself towards Albion.

“You won’t make a mockery of me,” Albion grunted, as he dodged the incoming Rollout attack. However, Belle continued to roll, and she crashed straight into a tree, causing many leaves to fall and forming a big hole in the trunk. Belle had a plan to counter this though, as she rolled in the reverse direction, catching Albion off guard and smacking him two feet off the ground.

“Grargh!” Albion groaned. His ears glowed white and fired many white particles. Some of these particles joined together to make bigger, white glowing solids. These were fired at Belle, but she was too fast, as she continued to roll. The Power Gem attack was unsuccessful.

“I need to slow her down somehow, or my drug deals might not be carried out anytime soon!” Albion admitted, and he had an idea. Albion wiggled his body vigorously, causing much of his wool to become separated from his body. Belle returned for another Rollout attack, but Albion dodged, whilst Belle rolled straight into the Cotton Spore. This slowed her down greatly, and she didn’t have enough momentum to keep the Rollout attack going.

“I need to get the upper hand,” Belle remarked to herself. She gained an idea, and she started screeching in an unpleasant manner. From doing this, circular white circle beams came from inside her mouth, and it hit Albion square on. This was a Supersonic attack, one that confuses the opponent.

“Oooooh, I feeel spliffeh!” Albion yelled, as if absolutely plastered in drugs. He tottered around, and fired more electrical energy all over the place randomly. Belle curled herself up into a tight little ball, hoping she wasn’t hit by any of the random bolts. The random spasm of energy carried on for several seconds, until Albion waved his head in embarrassment, and his ailment of confusion wore off.

“Right, that is quite enough,” Albion muttered, still shaking off confusion. He ran over to his small metal cube, and flicked a few rectangle shaped orange buttons. “This battle is won, Belle.”

Finally, he pushed a large circular green button. Albion stood up on hind legs, and pointed to his chest.

“See this, eh, Belle?” Albion said, triumphantly. He was pointing to a black, circular pendant, with a sky blue skull and cross bone design on it. The pendant was strung on a bit of metal wire around Albion’s neck. “Do you know what this is? This is the Gengar seal!”

“The Gengar seal?” Belle repeated. “Wh-what?”

“Now, all my drug dealing dreams will come true!”

A purple fog started to ascend from the metal cube. It spiralled upwards in the sky, and ascended a further thirty feet. The fog started to form a ghastly form. It formed ears, arms, legs, and a menacing smile. It had big, white, bloodshot eyes, and just glared at Belle.

“Like my giant Gengar ghost, conjured from the Gengar seal, brother?” Albion asked, proudly. “And thanks to this ‘ere cube, you can’t lay a finger on me!”

“That’s what you think!” A voice from the sky called down. An outline of a cat-like figure started to from next to Belle, and Blue, in Abra form, was smiling next to her.

“Where the heck did you go!?” Belle growled, infuriated.

“What, did you think I was some random plot device for about a paragraph of this story? Heavens no!” Blue replied, giggling uncontrollably.

“Give me a break,” Belle face palmed.

“Anyway, I’m here to help you defeat Albion!” Blue yelled, fist in the air.

“You can do that?” Belle asked.

“I’m not sure. It’s a gamble, but it’s the only lead we have,” said Blue, unsure of what he was about to do. “Gimme the sweater.”

Suddenly, Albion bellowed out. "Release the giant single minded Bidoof!"

"Ey, laddy," his Irish cohort replied, and he muttered a few magic words. Appearing before Belle was the ugliest creature she had ever seen. It was brown, plump, and had a very curly tail. It had two buck teeth, a black button nose, and a beige mask like piece on it's face. It was big, it was giant, and it was a Bidoof. It let out a mighty roar, and then began to charge at both Blue and Belle. The Gengar apparition joined him, and started to float over to our pair of heroes.

Belle knew she had to hurry up and do what she need to do quickly.

“OK now what?” questioned Belle, speaking so fast that it was hard to understand how Blue managed to comprehend what she was saying.

“This,” Blue said, and his outline began to change. He gained a round plumpness, and a long appendage came from the supposed head. Blue gained stumpy arms and legs, and it’s head had a small curl, looking similar to a clump of hair. When Blue stopped glowing white, a bulky pink figure stood before Belle. It resembled Lickitung’s next evolution, a Lickilicky. Blue promptly put on the sparkly pink sweater, and he started to glow white once again. Next to Blue, a long figure that resembled a plane was forming. It had no roof, just a cockpit. When Blue stopped glowing, the plane was a brilliant red, with white streaks painted on both sides. Blue quickly hopped into the plane, strapped his seatbelt and fired up the engine.

“Merry Christmas, Belle,” said Blue, randomly. He then began to fly up in his plane.

“But this will never work!” Called out Belle. “What are you up to, Blue?”

“This,” he repeated once more. “This could be goodbye, Belle,” he said, and with that, when he got close enough, he released his ultimate attack, praying that the pink sweater had worked.

“Explosion!” He yelled, and he glowed white once again, and the plane suddenly exploded, smack bang in front of the Gengar apparition, and just above the Bidoof monster, which got badly singed by the exploding plane. The explosion engulfed the Gengar, the Bidoof and Albion. It was the only way. Blue gave his life to solve the case of the Chain Smoking Mareep.

Last edited by Etymology; 01-08-2010 at 11:46 AM.
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  #5  
Old 12-24-2009, 09:17 PM
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Default Re: Belladonna Griefkiller and the Chain Smoking Mareep (BGCSM) [PG/13] Not finished!

Targets: Lickitung, Mareep and Bidoof.
Characters wanted: 30k-50k
Characters in the story: 33827
Notes: Please enjoy the somewhat relevant pictures I have put up for you. :3 Oh, and I'm hopefully going to enter this in the Winter Writing Competition.

If Blue lives and successfully destroys the giant single minded Bidoof and the Gengar apparition, it's a success.

BUT.

If Blue dies and fails to defeat Albion, it's a phail.

Ready for grading. :3

And yes, I realise this is a fairly random story. xD As well as my first URPG story. :o

Last edited by Etymology; 12-26-2009 at 12:29 AM.
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  #6  
Old 01-10-2010, 11:10 PM
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Default Re: Belladonna Griefkiller and the Chain Smoking Mareep (BGCSM) [PG/13] Not finished!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scourge of Amaranth View Post
I'll grab this for grading. *eats*
Introduction: It wasn’t action-packed or overly “zam, in your face, stuff is happening,” but it intrigued me—quite possibly because I hate “something just died/got beat up/has been traumatized for life” openers and much prefer vague “introductions” to slam-bang “hooks.” There were some funky descriptive choices that got me interested in finishing the piece. (“And the room became nauseous with smoke.”) Nothing to gripe about here, really; good job.

Plot/Semi-details: This was a surprise. The entire concept was very tongue-in-cheek, and for that reason, quite enjoyable to read. We don’t get a lot of the crime-fighting stories in URPG, so it was a nice change in pace; the overall atmosphere fit the concepts and was, on a whole, decently well harnessed. The progression between the Mareep, the Piloswine, Belle, and the battle sections/ideas flowed well together; the story moved leisurely when necessary, there wasn’t anything that made me go, “UM, NO, WHAT?” (except for the “release the single-minded Bidoof” thing, which could have used a bit more explanation…) and the telling of the tale did not jolt as it completed its journey. Essentially, you have a very original, entertaining URPG plot here. Its execution worked.

I would say, however, that the plot tends to lack in a certain drive of motive and background. It was almost a bit holey. Much of this ties into detail—but the connection is circular. Work in a greater sense of what has happened, what is happening, what is going to happen and why… and your details will buff themselves up in the process, primarily because, to properly give this more powerful feel, you need more detail. The plot aspect of this ring lies in being less… vague, shall we say. For instance. I want to know more about Belle. Her relationship with the pigs is clearly rocky, but built upon quite a bit of trial and a certain degree of need and respect. I don’t necessarily want to be told, “They have worked together for five years. *insert rant about previous cases*” In fact, I don’t want to see anything remotely similar to that. Instead, I want to see more of Belle’s thought processes when she speaks with the Piloswine, and get more of a sense of “Belle is involved in this”—because it seemed like she was, just with the way the plot and interaction progressed, but I didn’t get a huge sense of the why, or an outright explanation/feel of her relevance to the squad. It feels as if you’d put a certain amount of thought into the plot as pertaining to the characters’ interactions, but didn’t carry that thought over to the story—or, rather, didn’t share that thought with the readers.

A few unanswered questions left by the tale…

-Why does Belle take everything in stride? Do they make her do stuff like this all the time? Is this just another day in her life as a police aide?
-How is life as a barber, other than tedious? A greater sense of what she did would have very much solidified the story. The first paragraph of the barber section seemed like too cursory of a glance at an entire year’s worth of occurrences, even if they were all the same.
-How did the Mareep never notice that they were going to one particular barber and getting a horrid haircut? Furthermore, why did Mareep continue to go to the barber? This was similar to the primary plot hole in Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, which, if I’m not mistaken, you were making parody references to. Why did no one notice that half of the people going to his barber shop NEVER COME BACK? *twitch* People are perceptive; some vague form of justification could have been offered in explicit explanation—as you mentioned, Mareep are not perceptive, but I wanted to see a comment, or perhaps even a full scene, in the plot, that highlights their stupidity in a believable way while turning it to your advantage in an explanation of why customers keep coming. Obviously, there is a sense of this—but something that has the specific purpose of… darkening the lines, shall we say, of the idea sketch, would not have gne amiss.

Questions like these, while they are answered by description, very much benefit the plot moreso than the imagery. They strengthen the ideas, make the events feel more real to the reader, and create an overall more coherent story.

Details: You had some very nice stuff going on here, but I would have liked to have seen… more. Your placement of details and the flow it created certainly worked, but tended to be more of a… cursory glance, shall we say, at a scene. I think, for now, you should consider giving more in-conversation details about the speakers than just how they speak whatever they’re saying. It’d be something good to focus on in future stories, rather than just being told “MAKE DETAIL MOAR BETTERER.”

Quote:
“No ma’am, just an open window,” Belle responded. “And I’m sorry you can’t view yourself in a mirror, mirror’s make me nauseous.”

“That’s ridiculous!” the Mareep yelled. “What kind of barber doesn’t have mirrors?”
What does this tell me about the exchange? Well, Belle is calm… and Mareep is not. That’s about it. But… I want more of that feel. Belle could be lounging aloofly, or she could be backed against a wall in the face of the Mareep’s anger. The Mareep could be leaning over, fists clenched, teeth bared, wool crackling with electricity…. She could be sitting prim and proper with a smile on her face. I just don’t know, because you haven’t told me. So… work on remembering to tell me things like that. Consider body language, tone quality (angry? duck-quack-like? timid and squeaky?), facial expression… et cetera. Stick with the physical sight details for now, and then start getting more into the other senses (smell, sound, etc).

Quote:
“Oooooh, I feeel spliffeh!” Albion yelled, as if absolutely plastered in drugs. He tottered around, and fired more electrical energy all over the place randomly.
Bits like this are good. I want to see some more of this insight into the characters’ movements and attitudes during conversation. In this particular bit, it’d’ve been nice to know what “absolutely plastered in drugs” entailed (slackjaw, slurring words, eyes wide?), but you’re still getting a stronger image of character interaction into the readers head here than in a lot of other places, so kudos.

(Also, mirror’s → mirrors. No possession.)

Another note… I didn’t get a good idea of the proximity of the various buildings to each other. I had thought the barber shop was in a completely different area, but they could see it burning from the police base… et cetera. Try popping in more journey details to clarify that.

Grammar: You have some awkward phrasing and comma usage, on the occasion. You’re not so much doing a lot explicitly wrong, and I can see that you know your way around basic grammar, but there’s definitely some room for more heavy examination of your sentence structures.

Quote:
Belle was a Lickitung, a fat, strawberry pink lizard-like creature with an abnormally large tongue, that was bipedal.
Take out the commas and your sentence basically says, “Belle was a Lickitung that was bipedal.” Or… read it straight out, and it’s calling Belle’s tongue “bipedal.” Two-legged tongue? xD That doesn’t really work. You have sentences like this quite often, where your main clause is interrupted by additions and modifications, in which your final statement does not revert to the tense/flow of the first bits. Try reading things out loud (or just out loud in your head) to clarify comma and sentence flow a bit. Make sure that when you interrupt a sentence, you finish it in a way that remains consistent with the original grammatical construction. In this particular sentence, the best course of action would be just to take out the bipedal comment, or to work it into “a fat, strawberry-pink lizard-like creature with an abnormally large tongue and two scaled legs”—something like that.

Quote:
”Put me down!” The spoon said.
Also, dialogue-tag rules apply even when the sentence ends in a question mark or exclamation point. I see you doing dialogue tags correctly when the sentences end in a comma; just treat the tag as if the dialogue were ended with a comma, essentially. Which would mean, “The spoon said,” …is actually, “the spoon said.” Et cetera. That’s probably your most common mistake, so watch it carefully.

There were also a few issues with interjection-esque words in dialogue. When directly addressing someone (“’Griefkiller, eh brother?’ he asked”) or inserting words (like the “eh” in that sentence) be sure you consistently break up the additions/unnecessary words with commas. This sentence should be “Griefkiller, eh, brother?” You did this sometimes, but missed it frequently enough to make a remarkable impact. And watch your apostrophe use—remember that they dictate owner ship or contractions, for the most part, and should never be used to indicate plurality in nouns.

On a side note, you occasionally lapsed into present tense while describing things that “exist” perpetually. While this is not technically incorrect, graders might tell you not to do it, simply for convention’s sake. Be aware of this, just for the future.

Battle: The chase-scene element to this, especially with the touch of using the tongue to grab on to the helicopter, was rather entertaining. Explosion isn’t a commonly-used plot device, so nice job, there—especially as the battle was completed by blowing up a plane. Nice balance of attacks, some inserted dialogue…. Decent length, et cetera. You could have more thoroughly described some of the attacks (Explosion looks like what? Imploding body parts? One big cloud of smoke and fire? Does it smell?), but that’s ‘bout all worth mentioning, improvement-wise.

Length: A little on the underside. It would have been no hard task to buff it up a bit with some more description and an ironing out of those holes with a few additional scenes, but the story progression felt complete ‘n the length met the ends. So.

Verdict: For a first attempt at URPG writing, this is quite impressive. You had some grammar errors, and the plot was fairly scattered, but still decently presented. There was some weakness in the detail, but at the same time, there was effort apparent in the writing, and what description there was worked quite well. You just need to harness some more detail, and bend it to compacting your ideas, as I mentioned. Were this not a first attempt, I would probably knock off one of the ‘Mons and ask you to iron out some of the little grammatical errors and revise some sentence structure, then work in a few more details—but all things considered, good job, and all Pokémon captured.
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thegalleonman: (8:37:28 PM) How sad.
thegalleonman: (8:37:37 PM) I'm amused.

Last edited by Scourge of Amaranth; 01-11-2010 at 05:17 AM.
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  #7  
Old 01-11-2010, 02:33 PM
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Default Re: Belladonna Griefkiller and the Chain Smoking Mareep [PG/13] Ready for grading! [W

I'm glad you pointed all the bits out about grammatical errors and detail, I'm going to need them in my next story. ^^; You've given me quite a bit of editing work to do with The Purple Eater. Thanks for the grade. :9
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