Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 11-26-2009, 07:03 PM
Lunar Wing's Avatar
Lunar Wing Offline
Master Trainer
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 250
Send a message via AIM to Lunar Wing
Default Faith or Coincidence


(My first story so and ready to be graded))

Made by myself
__________________________________________________ ______

Strange… Isn’t it strange? Isn’t it strange that the world keep turning and turning? Every day, every minute, every second. The world just keeps on turning, it never stops. Isn’t it getting tired? Tired of turning around and around, again and again. Tired of turning the same way year after year. Never doing new things or discovering new paths. It always moves in the same endless motion, the motion that controls all our lives.

The alarm clock went off as the pointers pointed 8:00 am. An irritated noise spread through the room as a figure in the bed slowly started to move. The blanket raised and a hand appeared, moving to the small night table, aiming for the alarm clock. It was a small alarm clock in the shape of a Loudred, purple with big ears and an open mouth in which the time was displayed. The hand missed the alarm for two times but then got grip on one of the ears and pulled it down, causing the alarm to stop ringing. The arm fell back in bed, where it stayed motionless for a few seconds then it moved again as a girl pushed herself up in the cushions.

Ruri (say Rory) sighed as she sat up in the bed and stretched out. She rubbed in her eyes to make the sleep go away as she shove away the curtains of her window. The sunlight came pouring inside, shining her on her face, making her close her eyes again. Through her narrowed eyes she looked outside, it was beautiful. The sun was shining on the snow that lay on the roofs of all the houses like a blanket, it was so white and pure as it lay there motionless, sparkling in the sun. Not for nothing this small city was called ‘the city of snow were ice glitters’. It really was a wonderful sight as the sun let the ice glitter in all different kinds of colours, making it seem like a rainbow that was lying over the houses.

Ruri yawned and moved away from the window, brushing a few purple locks out of her eyes as she walked to the mirror and the washbasin. She sighed as she looked to her reflection in the glass. Her purple hair was all messy and full of knots although it was tide up in a loose ponytail and around her soft, red eyes there were small circles of sleep. She splashed some cold water in her face and started brushing her hair. It was a motion she could do for ages and soon her hair was properly brushed and were the light and darker locks neatly parted. With a black ribbon she tied up her hair again in a short ponytail and turned back around to the bed. She looked to the light blue blanked and finally found were she was searching for; a small dot of light brown that was laying just under her cushion, comfortably hidden under a small piece of the blanket.

“Hé sleepy, wake up.” Ruri said chuckling a bit as she walked to the bed and sat down on the edge, switching her pyjamas for a white shirt and purple shorts with long, black socks under it that came till over her knees.

The dot of brown started to move and suddenly an ear appeared pointing to Ruri. It was fluffy and soft and twitched a bit as another one appeared. After the ears two brown eyes opened and looked to Ruri with an alert glance. The little creature jumped up and its fluffy tail waved behind it as the small fox Pokémon walked over the blanked to Ruri.

Ruri laughed as the Eevee jumped in her lap and started circling around, searching for a new place to sleep. “No, no,” she said laughing as she pushed the Eevee away and stood up, tightening her shoe’s. “Yue we have to wake up, you know which day it is.” She moved to the door, placing her hand on the door handle. “Come on, let’s have some breakfast.” She said with a smile as she opened the door.

__________________

Last edited by Lunar Wing; 01-04-2010 at 07:23 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-29-2009, 05:37 PM
Lunar Wing's Avatar
Lunar Wing Offline
Master Trainer
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 250
Send a message via AIM to Lunar Wing
Default Re: Faith or Coincidence


Is it coincidence? Coincidence that people or Pokémon meet each other and become friends for life? Or it is faith that spreads out light on our paths. Are we guided by something unknown? Or do we choose our own destiny?

It was starting to get dark; it would not be long until the sun would set. Ruri stood on the quay, her hair fluttered in the wind, Yue sitting comfortably on her shoulder. Before her many small boats lay, ready to sail out. They all were decorated with chains of light that made it look like there were countless stars in the water.

“Hooooi, Ruri! Are you coming?” A boat came sailing alongside the quay and on the rudder stood a slender boy from around the seventeen with black hair and red eyes; he wore a loose, dark blue shirt with a print of a dragon on the back and a pair of jeans under it. He slowed down the boat till it laid still and stretched out his hand.

Ruri smiled as she saw her brother and accepted his hand, jumping in the boat. “You kept me waiting.” She said teasing as she sat down on one of the wooden benches.

Yue jumped out of her arms and began walking through the boat as Kai started to sail away from the quay, following the other boats to the open sea. The motor snored soft and a nice breeze whirled around Ruri. It was cold but refreshing. Soon, when the winter would start, the winds would turn to ferocious blizzards and there would be no way that they would go on the water with boats. So this was probably going to be the last time this year.

Suddenly out of the dark a purple bat came flying, almost hitting her head. Startled she looked up and saw the Crobat from her brother floating over the boat and then landing on the shoulder of Kai. Slowly Ruri breathed out, that really scared her. She saw Kai looking to her with a big smile on his face and then together they bursted out in laughter.

Yue twitched her ears by the sound and looked up; her brown eyes stood asking as she jumped to Ruri. The Crobat, who was called Neek, which is keen but then turned around, Kai named him because he wanted to call him Keen but Crobat didn’t like that... (Guess Pokémon’s have affections for names too), didn’t seemed to understand what he had caused and folded up his wings closing his eyes.

Soon they could not see the quay of Snowpoint City anymore and came in the open sea where the waves where higher then near the shore. This made the boat sway and Ruri clamped herself to the side of the boat, Yue jumped on her lap.

“Don’t worry, we’re almost there!” Kai shouted to her, trying to overcome the wind with his voice.

Ruri nodded and looked in front of her. The other boats were sailing in front and alongside them. The lights were shining bright and in the dark it looked if they were just floating in the air like big fireflies.

Soon they moved in position, two lines of boats floating on the sea with a space of around 10 m between them. Each light of each boat formed a piece of a long line of lights that all together formed something that looked like a road on the water, a guiding line for something. And that something, Ruri knew, was coming soon. Eagerly she looked to the north, trying to see something in the darkness but there was nothing. Disappointed she looked back to her brother.

He smiled to her and gave her a stroking over her head. “Just wait, they will come I’m sure of it.” He said smiling; his red eyes stood calm and friendly.

“I know,” Ruri said sighing, “but why do they take so much time?”

Kai grinned as he also looked to the north, speaking on a bit dreaming tone. “It is a long way Ruri, from up here to the south. They can’t swim too fast because then they will get tired too fast and they can’t make it to Route 220. They have to swim almost all around Sinnoh that is not an easy task.” He looked to her with a serious face.

Ruri nodded, she knew this, he had already told it last year but then she missed the real thing for she fell asleep in the boat and had waked up that morning without have seen anything. She still felt embarrassed as she thought back to it but this time she would stay awake. Suddenly she saw a small light in the distance. No wait, not one, no she saw two, four, six, eight! Exited she jumped up and made the boat sway with her uncontrolled moves.

“Watch out,” Kai warned her, grinning about her enthusiasm. “Don’t fall in the water, you will scare them.” He said teasing.

That calmed Ruri down and she sat down again, watching the lights coming closer. She shivered, the winter was really starting. Ice was forming on the water and probably the quay of Snowpoint City would soon be all frozen and closed for normal boats.

“Here,” Kai threw her jacket to her and gladly she put it on, closing it tightly, crossing her arms to protect herself from the cold. She shivered again but looked expectation to the north as the lights came closer and closer. They reached the first boats and moved between to two lines of light. Ruri held in her breath as the lights were almost near her boat.

Then the first passed by and Ruri got a glimpse of a small, blue, round body in the dark water but the yellow lights of the Pokémon were so bright that she had to cover her eyes with her hand to not get blinded. Now more and more lights passed by and Ruri could see countless of blue body’s crossing the ocean, their two antennae with yellow, teardrop-shaped orbs on the end rising above the sea level, making it look like little small lanterns that were floating in the water.

“Wow…” Ruri sighed as she slowly let out her breath, moving as quiet as possible not disturbing the Pokémon’s passing by.

Kai smiled to her. “It is beautiful, isn’t it?” He said looking back to the water. “They are Chinchou’s Ruri. A water and electric type Pokémon.”

Ruri nodded to show that she heard him and continued watching the Chinchou’s swim through the water then she looked to Kai. “Water and electric? Isn’t that a strange combination since electricity is very effective against water?” She asked.

“Yeah that is true,” Kai responded, “Chinchou’s and their evolutions Lanturn are the only Pokémon's who have this strange dual type and that is exactly why we are here.”

Ruri looked asking to him, she had never bothered wondering why the people of Snowpoint City guided the Chinchou’s on their way to the south.

Kai laughed a bit as he saw Ruri wondering face and then explained. “Well, we guide the Chinchou’s on their way to the south because they are so unique. Long ago people in Snowpoint City believed that Chinchou’s had no weaknesses and therefore were one of the strongest Pokémon’s in the world, so every year when the Chinchou’s moved to the south the people believed that it was their job to show them the shortest way and this became a tradition. They also said,” he looked meaningful to Ruri. “That the one who meets a Chinchou and becomes his friend will be lucky for the rest of his life.”
__________________

Last edited by Lunar Wing; 12-02-2009 at 02:41 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 12-02-2009, 02:40 PM
Lunar Wing's Avatar
Lunar Wing Offline
Master Trainer
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 250
Send a message via AIM to Lunar Wing
Default Re: Faith or Coincidence

Luck dwells over the paths that we call faith and shows up at the most unexpected times. Sometimes when you need it, sometimes when it seems completely unnecessary, but always it is an opportunity you have to take.

The next morning the alarm clock did not ring, it was Sunday so Ruri could stay longer in bed. Normally she did and she would sleep till eleven o’clock but today she woke up at seven and the sleep could not take her back to her soft dreams. She turned and turned in her bed and finally decided to stand up and get dressed. With all her turning she waked Yue who looked very sleepy up from next to the cushion.

“Sorry Yue,” Ruri said softly, not disturbing the peace that was laying over the house, “care to join me for a morning walk?” She asked.

Sleepy Yue stood up and shook her body to get her fur right. She blinked and twitched with her brown ears but then jumped from the bed and walked to the door.

“I take that as a yes.” Ruri grinned as she finished dressing and opened to door.

Quietly the two moved trough the house. Ruri wrote a small letter to her father and mother, snatched a banana and opened the front door. Silent she and Yue moved outside, the fresh snow rustled under their feet and the wind was blowing through their hair. Slowly the two moved to the quay and stared out over the ice that had formed on the water.

Then she saw something in the distance, a lightning flash coming from the water. Ruri frowned and Yue moved her ears in the direction or the flash.
Another flash.

Ruri glanced to Yue and then to the ice; “Do you think I can walk on it? It looks kinda strong…” She spoke wondering, brushing a purple lock out of her face.

Yue looked wondering to the ice and then suddenly took a jump forwards. Softly she landed on the ice and walked around, looking expectant to Ruri as if she was saying; “where are you waiting for?”

Ruri smiled and knelt down. She wiped away some snow and sat down on the cold wooden pier, slowly placing her feet on the ice. It creaked a little but did not burst. A bit more confident she placed a bit more weight on the ice and still the ice did not crack. Not long after that Ruri stood on the ice and slowly began to walk, Yue walked next to her, moving towards what she thought would be the source of the electricity.

Further and further Ruri and Yue walked over the ice and they moved further and further away from the city and the pier. Ruri walked slowly, looking for any signs of cracks in the ice but till so far there were none.

Another flash of electricity, rising up into the sky.

It was closer now and Ruri could see the place were the lightning came from. She frowned, it seemed like it was directly coming from the ice but that was not possible. She narrowed her eyes and scanned the ice, first there seemed to be nothing but then she noticed something blue that was lying in the ice it seemed. Ruri widened her eyes and started to move faster. There was a Pokémon stuck in the ice!

“Come on Yue! We have to free it.” She said as she moved as quickly as possible over the ice towards the blue Pokémon.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 12-04-2009, 05:00 PM
Lunar Wing's Avatar
Lunar Wing Offline
Master Trainer
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 250
Send a message via AIM to Lunar Wing
Default Re: Faith or Coincidence

Faith or Coincidence, it doesn’t matter as long as the world keeps turning and as long as the hearts of people and Pokémon will not be swallowed by evil and fear. Then we will always be who we are supposed to be.

Ruri was only a few meters separated from the Pokémon. Her eyes widened as she saw the blue body, the small, light blue fins and the antennae with the teardrop-shaped orbs on the end. The yellow eyes had a black plus in it and were looking frightened.

It was a Chinchou.

“What…” Ruri stuttered. She was completely astonished that she was so close to a Chinchou, the Pokémon that she saw that evening crossing the sea, moving to the south and now it was here.

Yue slowly started to walk towards the Chinchou but before she could get near it, it released a bolt of electricity that raced towards the fox Pokémon. Yue jumped back and hurried back to Ruri. The bolt of electricity fell apart as it hit the ice.

“Relax, the Chinchou has probably been here all night and is scared, we should be careful.” Ruri spoke, petting Yue on her head.

Slowly, very slowly she walked closer; she kept her hands low and did not make any fast movements to show the blue Pokémon that she was no thread.

The yellow teardrop-shaped orbs began to glow again as the Chinchou prepared for another lightning attack. Suddenly Yue jumped in front of Ruri and let out a mighty Growl that stunned the blue fish for a second, making the orbs stop glowing.

Ruri took the chance Yue gave her to walk to the Chinchou and sat down next to it, trying to get the ice near the Pokémon away with her gloves. But the ice did not burst an inch. She pulled out her gloves and her hand touched the Chinchou for a second. Its body was cold as ice and it was shaking.

The touch made Chinchou come to senses again and it started to struggle, fast spitting out strong bubbles in every direction.

A few hit Ruri on her arms and in her chest and made her fall back on the ice that creaked dangerous.

Yue on the other hand managed to dodge all the bubbles by bouncing up and down, from the left to the right.

Ruri struggled back to a saver distance as the Chinchou started to gather energy and the orbs began to glow again. It was charging and soon it would use another electric attack Ruri knew. It was dangerous to stay around but they had to free it, she could not just leave it here. She looked to Yue, who was not unharmed. “Yue, try to use Take Down on the ice next to Chinchou but try to do it gentle for otherwise we will fall in the water too.” She said.

The Eevee shook with her body to get the ice out and then ran towards the Chinchou. Even thou the Chinchou could not move it managed to send of a strong Water Gun in Yue’s direction that nearly missed the small fox. She was now almost there and prepared for the attack.

Just when Yue was about the strike the ice with her body the Chinchou released an electric attack that Ruri recognized as Discharge.

“Yue watch out!” She shouted as she saw the lightning speeding towards her Pokémon.

But due the Charge of Chinchou the lightning moved faster than Yue could dodge and the yellow strike hit her in her shoulder, making her flying backwards, landing on ice that creaked again.

Chinchou was panting heavenly and seemed to be exhausted from both the struggle to get out and the battle with Yue.

“Yue!” Ruri walked towards the Eevee and kneeled down next to it as Yue sat up again and shook her head. “Are you all right?” Ruri asked worried and she moved her hand over Yue’s shoulder. Yue shivered but then faced the Chinchou again as she looked determined to Ruri. Ruri sighed but smiled. “Ok, let’s try again, come on use Take Down.”

Yue charged again towards the Chinchou but now she did it more careful. Her body moved elegant as she dodged the bubbles that came flying towards her and then rammed the ice near the blue fish making a crack in it. She tumbled backwards due the strength of the attack that caused a recoil on her as well.

The Chinchou started to struggle now that it realized that it could get free after all. The crack in the ice widened and suddenly it was wide enough and the Chinchou fell in the water.

Yue walked slowly back to Ruri and sat down next to her and together they looked to the Chinchou who was happily splashing around in the water, then it drove underwater and disappeared under the ice.

Ruri sighed and turned to Yue. “Well that was it I guess.” She said as she twisted her mouth a bit then she made a faint smile. “Well I can’t expect more can I?”She said nodding but deep inside she wished that the Chinchou had stayed. She shook her head, how could she, that Chinchou belonged with his family not with her. Slowly she turned around and started to walk back.

Then. {Chin..?}

Ruri turned around and her eyes widened for in the hole in the ice he Chinchou floated and it looked to her as its orbs radiated a bright light. It looked questioned to Ruri.

“You want to thank me?” Ruri said smiling faintly as she walked back to the hole and kneeled down next to it. “You’re welcome. Now return to family, they must be worried sick about you.” She said as a single tear fell down from her left eye.

{Chin…} The Chinchou said soft as it moved its orbs to her cheek and ran over it.

Wondering Ruri looked to the and slowly she moved her hand to the blue body. “Say...” She said softly. “Would you like...” She hesitated but Yue moved next to her and brushed her head to her other hand. More confident she looked to the Chinchou as she softly asked: “Would you like to stay with me?”
__________________

Last edited by Lunar Wing; 12-12-2009 at 04:21 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 12-04-2009, 05:02 PM
Lunar Wing's Avatar
Lunar Wing Offline
Master Trainer
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 250
Send a message via AIM to Lunar Wing
Default Re: Faith or Coincidence

Ready for grading

Pokémon: Chinchou
Character count: 15.539
Character count w/ spaces: 19.119
Recommended for Chinchou: 10k - 20k
__________________

Last edited by Lunar Wing; 12-06-2009 at 10:56 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 01-07-2010, 10:03 PM
Shana2488's Avatar
Shana2488 Offline
Experienced Trainer
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Johto
Posts: 236
Send a message via AIM to Shana2488 Send a message via MSN to Shana2488 Send a message via Yahoo to Shana2488
Default Re: Faith or Coincidence

Introduction: This section of your story gave me only a little information about Ruri and Yue, but stories don't have to always start out telling the reader everything. You revealed more about the character throughout the story, so I won't take off for anything. Sometimes, it's alluring to your reader to reveal a little at a time. It also set the serene and peaceful mood which I enjoyed.

Plot: I was really interested in the story because of the tradition that was held in Snowpoint City. Unfortunately, I was a little disappointed by such a standard and cliché ending of Ruri and the Chinchou becoming friends. Regardless, the plot was original and interesting even if there was very little actual "action".

Dialogue: The dialogue sometimes confused me, but nothing that you can't work on as you gain experience writing. The reason I say I was confused is because Ruri never spoke her thoughts out loud (i.e. the question of why the tradition was held) and her brother seemed to just read her thoughts. Try to extend conversations so that you show your character asking questions so that another may answer them. No matter how close siblings are, they're not telepathic (unless otherwise stated).

Grammar: You could certainly use some work here. Run-on sentences along with the many spelling mistakes can be easily fixed by running a grammar & spell check on your story before you post it up. Also, I was greatly confused by a particular line.

Quote:
The Crobat, who was called Neek, which is keen but then turned around, Kai named him because he wanted to call him Keen but Crobat didn’t like that... (Guess Pokémon’s have affections for names too), didn’t seemed to understand what he had caused and folded up his wings closing his eyes.
Any extra information such as "Neek" being "keen" spelled backwards can go into either parenthesis (such as the comment about Pokemon's affections for nicknames) or can be separated by a comma. Here's one way to explain Neek's nickname so that it's not so confusing:

Quote:
The Crobat was called Neek, which is "keen" spelled backwards. Kai named him because he wanted to call him "Keen", but Crobat didn’t like that. (Guess Pokémon’s have affections for names too.) Neek didn’t seemed to understand what he had caused so he folded up his wings and closed his eyes.
See how less confusing that was? A grammar check can help you out with stuff like that to reword your sentences until they make sense.

Detail: From what little description you had, I got the serene and hauntingly captivating mood that it seemed you had your story set. You certainly need to elaborate on specific things; the story seemed a little rushed in some parts.

Quote:
Soon they could not see the quay of Snowpoint City anymore and came in the open sea where the waves where higher then near the shore. This made the boat sway and Ruri clamped herself to the side of the boat, Yue jumped on her lap.
This could be elaborated on. Sure, the sea is more open and the waves are higher, but what about lighting? Does it get darker further away? Is it eerie because of a fog that might be rolling in or is it so clear that you can see the stars? Description is what gives your reader an image. You don't have to write an entire page on description, but I think you could add a little bit more here and there.

Battle: The battle was against the ice, not the Pokemon itself. I'm picky about "befriending Pokemon", but that's my preference as a writer; I won't mark you down for it since this is a Medium-ranked story and it's my personal opinion anyway. The battle scene itself was extended (boy, that ice was tough), though I think a little more detail could have been added to help your reader get a more solid image of what's going on, what's being hit, what's missing, etc.

Length: With spaces, it almost surpasses the maximum. Nothing to pick at here! Great job!

Outcome: I suppose you're wanting to know, huh? Okay, okay. Chinchou captured! Your story concept was fantastic even though you could have added more description. Always run a spelling & grammar check on your stories before you post them up! That should clear out most of the Graders' nitpicking in that area. Original plots + grammar & spell check + detail = superb story that should get you a capture (nearly) every time! Absolutely stunning for your first story, though! Congrats!
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 01-08-2010, 05:02 AM
Lunar Wing's Avatar
Lunar Wing Offline
Master Trainer
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 250
Send a message via AIM to Lunar Wing
Default Re: Faith or Coincidence

Thanx very much :) for the Grade and the advice I'm certainly going to use that.

Wooohoo my first capture :)
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 01-16-2010, 02:04 PM
Mr420's Avatar
Mr420 Offline
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Battle Subway, Isshu
Posts: 3,912
Send a message via Yahoo to Mr420
Default Re: Faith or Coincidence

I got home from work a while ago and noticed you posted a story, I very much enjoyed your story so glad I took the time to read it, I very much like the part about Ruri's wearing black sox because I wear black sox,lol also your choice to include a school of Chinchou was way cool, IMO when you included the partabout Ruri's brother and them being on the boat, I can relate to... I am an older brother to 1 sister and I have to admit that there are times when as a brother you can expectantly or unexpectantly Pre-determine what to say to your sister. It did not come off to me telepathic more like the bond between siblings. Congrats on your capture, and Vm me when you pick a name for him/her.
__________________

Pokérus Empire
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:51 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com