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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 01-07-2010, 01:28 AM
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Thumbs up Craig vs. Magikarp! [READY FOR GRADE]

“Step right up! Buy a Magikarp and unlock its power onto your friend’s Pokémon!” said an old hairless Asian man who stood to be about 4 foot. There beside him was tank full of Magikarp and a wooden sign above it saying “Ride the Magikarp” in red old English letters. “Every time we past this guy I keep thinking, Is this guy for real?” Jordan said out loud, not caring if the short sales man heard us. Jordan and I have been friends seen the first day of high school, we have been threw the good and the bad together. “Shut up! You most likely hurt the old guy’s feelings!” Jordan’s girlfriend said smacking his blond head. “You know what we could do? We should buy a Magikarp, train it really hard and we could ride them to the other side of the lake!” Jordan said walking backwards rubbing his beard. “Or I could just fly there on my Charizard” I said putting my arms around Jordan and his girlfriend. “I like Craig’s idea” Jordan’s brown haired girlfriend said going into her purse looking for her keys. “This is my stop” Jordan’s girlfriend said after giving him a big kiss. “Why aren’t you hanging out with her?” I asked walking down the street. “Were meeting up later at the lake to go fishing, want to join us after supper?” Jordan asked lighting his cigarette with his gray Zippo. “Sure why not” I said as Jordan just walked threw his door.
Carrot, steak and potatoes! That was my most favorite meal I had in a while. I look at my iPhone to check my text messages. “Are you coming? We are already here!” the text read. “Dad, I’m going out, I’ll be back later” I yelled up the stairs as I took some extra Pokéballs in my purple fanny pack. “What is the fastest way to the lake?” I asked my self. Then the thought hit me as I walked out my door. “Charizard, give me a ride to the lake!” I said as Charizard came out of his Pokéball. “Let’s go!”
“What took you so long?” Jordan yelled into the air as I flew by on Charizard’s back. “I had to pick up a fishing rod at the store” I said as Charizard slowly landed on the old dock. “Remind me to have a battle with you later” Jordan said throwing his rod into the water. “How long have you been here?” I asked as I sat down next to them. “For about an hour” Julie said lighting up another cigarette. I look at the bait that Jordan brought and put some on my hook. “What have you caught so far?” I asked as I threw in my rod to the clear lake. “I fought a Magikarp, Magikarp and wait for it… A MAGIKARP!!!” Jordan laughed. “Pretty sure Jordan wasn’t paying attention to the rod” Julie said winking at me. “I’m guessing you guys were making out the whole” I laughed. Suddenly I felt a pull on my rod. “I bet 50 dollars on it being Magikarp!” Jordan joked. I reel in slowly. “It might be Manaphy!” Julie joked. I reel in a little bit faster. “If it’s a Magikarp, are you going to capture it?” Jordan asked with a cigarette in his mouth. “Depends on how much of a fight the little bugger puts up” I said pulling on my rod forcing the Pokémon out of the water. “Magikarp! Magikarp!” the Pokémon said over and over again well splashing on the dock with a hook in its mouth. “What Pokémon should I send out?” I joked. “You should take Magikarp onto the land if you’re going to battle it” Julie said, pointing to the grass behind us. I reel up the rod to the max and carry the Magikarp to the grassy area. “I’m going to make this fast” I said as I sent out King, my Nidoking out to battle. As I take out the hook, Jordan takes a picture on his cell phone. “What was that for?” I asked. “Facebook, everyone is going to laugh” Jordan said laughing. “King use tackle” I commanded to the huge purple Pokémon. King started to charge at Magikarp with at ease face. “Magikarp!” Magikarp said as it went flying into the trunk of a tree on contact with King. “Magikarp isn’t ready to be capture yet” Julie said. “You think I don’t know that already? I have more Pokémon then you!” I said not paying attention to Magikarp. “Looks like Magikarp is going to make a move!” Jordan joked. I look at Magikarp as it starts to jump back and forth. “King, finish Magikarp off with a double kick” I yelled as I got the Pokéball ready to capture Magikarp. “MAGIKARP” the little fish Pokémon screamed as it went flying straight into the air on impact with King’s feet. As Magikarp slowly fell, Jordan gave me a funny look as if he thought I was an idiot for trying to capture Magikarp. When Magikarp landed, it stopped moving. “Great, you killed it” Julie laughed. “No I didn’t” I said as I through the red and white ball towards Magikarp, sucking the Pokémon inside.


Originally Posted by Lord Khajmer View Post
Looks like Craig isn't the only one surfing PE2K while high as a kite.

Last edited by Gamedude; 01-31-2010 at 05:37 AM.
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Old 02-13-2010, 09:39 PM
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Default Re: Craig vs. Magikarp! [READY FOR GRADE]

Plot: It was nothing special; trainers wanting to catch Magikarp have been used many, many times before. There’s nothing wrong with that, and a Magikarp doesn’t need an engaging plot, but if you really want to leave an impression on the reader, you can expand on your current plot. You never said why the trainers wanted to get across the lake. Was there an area they wanted to explore over there, or were they simply bored? Even if the answer is such a thing as “Oh, they were bored,” it’s important to tell us. If there’s no actual reason, deciding to catch a Magikarp is completely random. Always ask yourself why your characters are doing what they are doing. If you don’t have an answer, this is a good indication that you need to elaborate on your plot.

Introduction: You told us a bit about who was who, but as for the character’s and the surrounding’s description, it was extremely vague. Keep in mind that the introduction is the first thing a grader reads, and even after they read the whole story, the introduction will leave a big impression on them. The introduction needs description so the reader can begin to visualize who’s who and what’s what.

Grammar/Spelling: This area wasn’t good at all.

1. You kept using the word “threw” incorrectly. “Threw” is the past tense of “throw.” You are looking for “through”.

2. What you have right now is a wall of text, and if the story was longer, I would have refused to grade it simply because it would have been extremely annoying to read. Whenever a character speaks, you start a new paragraph, and whenever you switch focus on something else, you start a new paragraph. For example:

“You are a very good trainer, Red,” Lyra commented, holding her Cyndaquil close to her chest.

“So are you,” the older trainer replied.

The wind began to pick up speed, and both trainers looked at each other. It seemed the storm was coming sooner than either of them had thought.

“Let’s go,” they both said.
3. You write your dialogue like this:

“Come on” he said.
But you need some kind of punctuation. If the dialogue doesn’t need a question mark or an exclamation mark, you put a comma, like this:

“Come on,” he said.
If the dialogue has nothing to do with what follows after (as in, it isn’t “he/she said, yelled, cried, etc), you use a period:

“Come on.” The Pokémon obeyed and followed his trainer out of the cave.
4. You switched into present tense once or twice. Keep an eye out for those mistakes.

Lastly, just make sure you proofread your story. The forum isn’t going anywhere, so take your time and read over for any typos and grammar mistakes.

Length: Good.

Description/Detail: There was next to none. Use colors, shapes, and anything else you can think of to describe the characters, Pokémon, and the surroundings around them. If you are describing a human, tell us what they are wearing, their hair and eye color, and anything else you think it’s important. For Pokémon, even though this is a Pokémon forum, describe them to the best of your ability instead of letting readers wonder, “Is Magikarp that fox that can evolve into practically every type?” You’ll avoid confusion, and the description will remind the reader exactly what Pokémon you’re talking about. For the surroundings, tell us how the weather was if they are outside, what the color of the walls are if they are inside a building, and so on.

Battle: Very short and very unfair. Magikarp, although extremely weak, can still put up some kind of a fight by flopping out of the way or tackling that Nidoking. Don’t forget that every Pokémon, even the weakest, can fight back. It’s unrealistic to find a Pokémon at full-health that doesn’t even try to defend itself.

Outcome: I’ll say Magikarp captured! If you were going for anything harder, however, I would have not passed you. Split your story into readable paragraphs, and look over for any and all mistakes you can find. Also, remember that description can make or break your story. Describe everything to the best of your ability.

- Kat

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