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Old 06-30-2010, 05:15 AM
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AshleyWorld Offline
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Default ~CHosEN~{Critiques needed}

Now I don't think I'm too good at writing but I'm looking to sharpen my skills. In order to do that I decided I'd write a fan fic to post here, but I need critiques and some criticism, but not too harsh though. So if you read this, please just give me a comment saying is this is good or bad. Also contrary to what you may believe, this won't be a typical journey fic that I hear so much about. Now enough of me rambling, here's the story.

On Hand

Chapter 1
“In theses times, this man is no longer a trainer, but a living legend. Of course he still battles occasionally since so many people challenge him. Defeating this man won’t be an easy feat though. His Pokémon are extremely powerful. Pokémon like Pikachu, Charizard, Snorlax, and Sceptile are just a few of the powerful Pokémon to grace this trainer’s party. These Pokémon are the reason he is the most talked about trainer in history. The Pokémon are the reason he is so famous today. These Pokémon are the reason his greatest battles are shown on TV time and time again. These Pokémon are the reason his name is known throughout all the regions. Ash Ketchum, ranked number one on the greatest Pokémon Trainers of all time by BattleWeekly. Soon to be number two as soon as I, Karina Jasmine Sorio gets her Starter Pokémon.” Karina announced to everyone in the room.

“That’s great and all Karina, but there’s a problem here.” Professor Gem stated, ignoring everything Karina had just said. Professor Gem stood up, showing his deceptively big physique. He had to be at least six feet five inches at the least, and his bulging muscles made him look more like a Fighting Type Gym Leader than a Pokémon Professor. Even his lab jacket was taller than Karina. Despite his giant body, Professor Elm’s replacement, Leonard Gem was as gentle with Pokémon as Nurse Joy is with her patients. He walked over to her, picking up a clip board that lay on the desk near Karina. He seemed to tower over. He had to look down on her just to see her.

“Well,” he started, “we’re out of starters.” Karina’s brown eyes doubled in size when she heard the announcement. She had been planning this day out since she was kid. She even knew what outfit she was going to wear. She was supposed to wake up and brush her shoulder length brown hair until it was straight, and then she would put on her white tank top, red half jacket, blue jeans and white tennis shoes and strut her way to the Johto’s Pokémon Lab. There she would find all three Pokeballs left on the table, where she would pick Totodile as her starter. She’d evolve it into a Feraligatr and it would be as legendary as Ash’s Pikachu. She should’ve known that when there were no Pokeballs laid out anywhere that her dream wouldn’t become a reality.

“Well Professor Gem, there has to be something you can do.” Karina stated. It almost sounded like a demand, like there would be consequences if he didn’t.

“I’m sorry Karina, but if it helps you sleep at night you will be the first person I call when we find more starters.” Professor Gem’s booming voice said.

“No Professor, I’ve waited too long for this already. For Arceus’ sake I’m sixteen. There has to be another Pokémon you can give me. I’ll take any Pokémon.” Karina pleaded, letting the tears swell up in her eyes. She even clanged to his lab jacket for good measure. All that combined with her perfect puppy dog pout face was sure to make Professor Gem do something, so she thought.

“Karina, there is nothing I can.” Professor Gem stopped mid-sentence when the door to lab burst open. A man with short blonde hair and thick glasses came running in. His pale skin almost made Karina want to turn away from him. He seemed to be holding a Pokeball, which made Karina rejoice. She wiped away her tears and did a dance out of excitement.

“I bet that’s my Totodile!” Karina exclaimed. The man wore a lab coat that was too big for him, but he was obviously an assistant to Professor Gem. The assistant stopped awkwardly close to Karina. He posed with the Pokeball in his hand as if he was in the BattleWeekly Magazine until he became tangled in his lab coat and fell flat on his face, almost taking Karina down in the process. Karina couldn’t help but laugh, but Professor Gem seemed to be annoyed with him.

“Banner, you better have something worth showing me.” Professor Gem muttered, walking over to the examining table. Assistant Banner stood up and dusted himself off. He gave a smile to Karina and waved to her. Karina didn’t return the gesture and only turned away to follow Professor Gem. Assistant Banner followed.

“Sir, I assure you that this will be worth your while. I found another starter. It’s a Totodile, and I assume this pretty young lady will get him.” Assistant Banner playfully stated.

“Aren’t you like thirty-five?” Karina questioned with a disgusted look on her face.

“I’m only eighteen.” He shot back.

“Well your bad skin definitely doesn’t show it loser.” Karina declared.

“Enough you two. You sound like little children. Banner, just show use the Totodile so we can get Karina out of here and off on her adventure.” Professor Gem put in before the argument went any further.

“No problem, Professor Gem.” Assistant Banner responded looking at the ball. He rolled it around in his hands and examined it closely. He poked at it with his index finger, not knowing how to open the ball.

“Press the button in the center idiot!” Karina yelled, scaring Banner to the point where he tossed the ball forward. The red light escaped from the ball and shot into Karina’s arms, forming her Starter Pokémon. Excitement began swelling in Karina as she realized she was going to get her Totodile. The light seemed to take forever to shape to her Pokémon’s form. Yes, yes! She thought repeatedly. It’s finally here. My Totodile is here. My adventure begins and I finally get to become the number one trainer in the world. The red light finally formed to the body of the Pokémon, and all that was left was for the light to disappear, leaving the Pokémon in her arms. Only seconds later Karina let out an ear piercing scream, releasing the Pokémon in her arms and letting it drop a few inches to the table.

“Banner, what is that?” Karina squealed. Professor Gem could only put a hand to his forehead in disappointment. Karina had jumped back as if she had seen an Ariados. In reality she was staring at a Pokémon with a big wool coat. It had blue legs and face with black and yellow ear like horns, as well as a black and yellow tail with an orange sphere at the end.

“Banner, you idiot. That’s a Mareep, not a Totodile. Are you blind or just stupid?” Professor Gem bellowed, letting out all his rage on his horrible assistant.

“I’m sorry Karina, and I’m sorry to you too sir, but I swear it was a Totodile in the ball yesterday. Someone must’ve swapped it when I was taking a nap yesterday.” Banner stated. His voice showed how scared he really was. He couldn’t to stand to look at Professor Gem when he was angry, and instead turned to Karina who was examining the Mareep. “Karina, look on the bright side. This Pokémon probably has a little experience, which means you won’t have to train it as hard as you would a regular starter.”

“Banner, don’t ignore me, you have to go and find that Totodile and bring it back here. This isn’t a starter Pokémon.” Professor Gem continued.

“Wait a second Professor Gem. An experienced Pokémon might speed things up a bit. I’ll be the greatest trainer in history in no time. Besides, I can catch a Totodile with this Pokémon. If I’m not mistaken, Mareep is an Electric type.” Karina said, still examining the Pokémon. Mareep did the same, staring her down as if they were both checking each other to see if they’d be compatible.

“But Karina, an experienced Pokémon is harder to control.” Professor Gem quickly responded, forgetting about his assistant.

“Well Professor, that’s a problem I’ll have to deal with, because I’m taking Reeper with me.” Karina told as she attempted to touch the Mareep. The wool gave Karina a zap which made her jump.

“Reeper?” Professor Gem and Banner questioned in unison.

“Yeah, Reeper, but spelled with two Es. I can see it now. I’ll be in the Pokémon League and the crowd will be shouting ‘Fear the Reaper’. It’s gonna be amazing.” Karina voiced with a twinkle in her eyes.

“This is what I’ll do. I’ll give you a trial period with Mareep, or Reeper I should say. Since Banner has to go and relocate Totodile, I want you to accompany him as he does it. Reeper will be at your side, and if things don’t work out you can bring Reeper back and take Totodile as your starter.” Professor Gem announced. Banner danced with excitement just as Karina did earlier. This time though, Karina lowered her head in disappointment.

“Fine, I’ll do it, but only for Reeper, not for you loser.” Karina stated referring to Banner. “Come on Reaper, and you too Banner. I want this to go as quickly and as smoothly at possible. We’re gonna find Totodile, bring him back, and then we’re not gonna see each other again until I return to this town to visit.”

“That’s fine with me, because I’m sure whoever has my Totodile has made it pretty far already.” Banner said with an excited tone in his voice.

“Banner, just come on already.” Karina let out in frustration. She waved to Professor Gem as she turned away. Banner quickly followed behind her and despite the non-existent connection between the two, Reeper followed. Professor Gem watched as the group exited the doors. When they shut behind him he let out a sigh and placed his arms on the table to lean forward. The phone in the other room began ranging and he would have to go get it since it probably was important. He walked towards the phone and placed his hand on it, and gave one final look at the door. He could see the group had just passed the window in the lab, so they were off to a slow start.

“Arceus be with you three. You’re going to need it.”

Last edited by AshleyWorld; 07-09-2010 at 09:58 PM.
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Old 07-01-2010, 12:01 AM
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Default Re: ~CHosEN~{Critiques needed}

This is coming out pretty good, actually. If you need to work on anything, it's minor grammar tips (that being stuff like ' "I'm not Bob," said Bob ' and not ' "I'm not Bob." Said Bob '). It makes me curious as to what the story will come out like, if it won't be a standard trainer story.

So you don't need harsh criticism on a story like this, homes, you just don't. Continue with this fic to your heart's desiiiiiires~
A very dumb story. Go read it.
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Old 07-01-2010, 06:30 PM
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AshleyWorld Offline
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Default Re: ~CHosEN~{Critiques needed}

Well thank you. I thought someone would've had something really negative to say but I guess that's just because I expect the worse all the time so it feels ten times better when I get a compliment. Anyways, I'll be sure to start the second chapter too. I've been putting it off because of laziness.
Give it a read and a critique please
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Old 07-09-2010, 09:33 PM
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AshleyWorld Offline
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Default Re: ~CHosEN~{Critiques needed}

Chapter 2

Karina, Reeper, and Banner could finally see Cherrygrove City in the distance. It was a little different than they expected. A booth sat outside the entrance to the city with a man in camouflage standing inside. The booth was attached to a gate that closed off the entrance to the city. Something must’ve been up if they were restricting access to the city. If there was another way around it, Karina would’ve opted to go that way, but Cherrygrove City had the only path to Violet City. The three approached the booth.

“Both of you state you name and the Pokémon you have on hand.” The man in camouflage lazily stated.

“Karina Jasmine Sorio. Mareep.” Karina said.

“Jason Banner. No Pokémon sir, well at least not now. Not until I find the Totodile that was stolen from me.” Banner explained.

“Stolen Totodile?” The man questioned, perking up. “We’ve had cases of stolen Totodile in two other cities recently. Come on in, I’d like you to talk with someone. He might be able to help you.” The gates separated, allowing entrance to Cherrygrove City. The city was no longer filled with residents, but instead soldiers, carrying guns and supplies. An occasional truck came zooming by, carelessly turning corners without signaling or stopping for the few pedestrians there were. The three stepped in, awaiting directions.

“On the ground, both of you!” A voice shouted. Banner didn’t hesitate and flopped to the ground. Karina didn’t. “Did you not hear me the first time, I said get on the ground. Now get down, before I make you get down.” The voice shouted again. A soldier carrying an assault rifle stepped up to Karina, forcing her down to her knees. The lazy soldier who ran the booth slipped on a pair of cuffs as a truck pulled up in front of them. A squad of four got out of the back, along with four Houndoom. Then an older looking man got off. He looked just like Professor Gem, in almost every way. The only difference was that he was a bit older.

“Karina, Jasmine, Sorio,” he started, “if you haven’t figured it out yet then let me tell you I am related to Professor Gem. The name is General Gem, and we need to have a talk with you.” General Gem gave a motion to stand the two up. They soon found themselves being loaded into the truck General Gem had just got out of. The Houndoom growled as Reeper was tossed on board.

“We’re gonna die Karina.” Banner whispered. Karina ignored him, though that was a thought that crossed her mind.

“You’re not gonna die son. If anyone was gonna die here, it would be me, dying of old age.” General Gem said, letting out a loud laugh afterwards. He looked around at all of his soldiers, a signal for them to laugh. In unison they all gave a fake chuckle as General Gem slapped his knee. If the kidnapping thing didn’t influence her decision on which Gem she liked better, his bad joke just did.

“Alright boys, blindfold them.” General Gem commanded. Once their vision was obstructed, the truck jerked back and began to move. Through all this, Karina managed to stay surprisingly calm. Banner, who was to her left, wasn’t so. He was fidgeting endlessly to the point where if Karina had to kick him to stop. Then he’d resume moving a few seconds later. Reeper, to the right of Karina, seemed fine. She wasn’t cuffed, or detained in anyway. Without an order from her trainer, it seemed as if she would do nothing. Occasionally, Reeper would rub up against her trainer, giving her a small shock. It wasn’t painful, and seemed more like a sign of reassurance that they would be okay.

Karina wasn’t sure how long she was wrapped in her thoughts, but they had made it to their destination. She could tell since the truck had stopped and she could hear people getting off and opening doors. She could feel a hand on her arm pulling her up. A soldier told her to “Watch her step” as she exited the vehicle. She could hear the words repeated again, but this time it was followed by a thud. She could bet her life on it that Banner had fallen. Reeper gave another shock to Karina, showing she was still there. She was shocked that they actually allowed Reeper to stay by her side.

“Alright, take her in. I’ll be in there soon.” General Gem stated. A series of metal clanks started and soon Karina was being pushed inside of something. The place must’ve been narrow as she found herself brushing up against the cold damp wall constantly. She was stopped and then another clank occurred, followed by another push. This time she didn’t have to walk anymore. She was forced into a chair and told to wait. Her blindfold was forcefully pulled off of her. A light hung from the ceiling directly above her. She lifted her hands to her eyes to block out the light until her eyes adjusted. Reeper noticed her trainer’s dilemma and gave the light a small zap. The soldiers closed the door behind her, leaving only the dim light in the room. The rest of the area was pitch black. Then she thought for a second. The room was pitch black and with a small zap Reeper was able to dim the lights. That would mean another shock would shower the room in complete darkness. All she would have to do then was make her escape.

“Alright Reeper, when I tell you to, use Discharge on that light. Once you do, follow me, and we’ll get out of here.” Karina whispered. Reeper nodded, showing she understood. A familiar metal clank echoed through the room, warning the two that the door was opening. Karina sat up straight awaiting the arrival of who ever opened it. As she expected, General Gem strolled in with a card key in hand.

“Alright, tell us everything you know.” General Gem demanded.

“Wait, what are you talking about?” Karina questioned with a puzzled look on her face.

“Don’t play dumb girl. We captured a baby Lugia, and that thing has been calling your name ever since.” General Gem responded. This all took Karina by surprise. “Everyday its Karina, Karina, Karina. No matter what type of torture we put it through it will not talk, it will not attack. It won’t do a damn thing. If the thing ain’t saying Karina, then it ain’t saying anything.”

“I swear I do not know what you’re talking about. I swear on my life that I do not know what you’re talking about, but I just want my Mareep and my friend Banner to get out alive. So if you want me to help you do something with Lugia, then I will, as long as you set them free, and return the Totodile to Banner that you took.” Karina told. General Gem pondered on the thought for a second.

“You’re a smart girl, figuring that we took that Totodile. Well of course we did, but we haven’t tested on it yet and we figured you’d want it, so it’s sitting outside in a Pokeball, right next to a Master Ball. Inside that Master Ball is the baby Lugia. Now you’re gonna go give the Totodile to your friend. He’s just outside the door too. Then you’re gonna give him your Mareep, and return to me with the Master Ball. Then you and that Lugia are gonna lead us to momma Lugia.” General Gem explained.

“Reeper, well I guess this would be a nice time to Discharge!” Karina exclaimed. Reeper let loose a single stream of blue electricity towards the light. The room went pitch black with Karina jumping into action. She charged General Gem, who hadn’t even made a move yet, taking him down using the chains from her cuffs. She could hear the card key fall to the floor but couldn’t find it.

“Reeper, get the card!” Karina yelled. Reeper acted hastily, finding the card key with the small light from the orb on her tail. She handed it off to her trainer who quickly put it to good use, opening the door that Banner and the Pokémon were behind. Banner was already behind the door, standing in front of a glass case with a Poke Ball and Master Ball inside. Pushing Banner aside she attempted to pick up the case, but was hard to carry with cuffs on.

“We need to do something about these things.” She said softly, trying not to draw attention. General Gem must’ve alerted someone of her escape as a red light began flashing. Guards would soon be on their tails. “Reeper, can you do something about this?” A light bulb seemed to go off in the Mareep’s head as she turned around. Her tail began to glow silver, and with one swing at the cuffs, they broke. She repeated the same thing, breaking the cuffs off Banner. Karina picked up the case once more, dropping it to the ground to release the Poke Balls inside.

“Here,” Karina started, handing over Totodile’s Poke Ball to Banner, “this is your Totodile.” She eyed the Master Ball then looked towards the ceiling. A large vent was positioned directly above them. The Lugia inside the Master Ball was only a baby, so it couldn’t be too big. The real problem would be getting Lugia to agree to fly them out, but with guards coming soon they had no choice.

“Lugia, let’s go.” Karina said as she tossed the Master Ball. A Lugia shot out of it, though it wasn’t exactly a baby. It was at least the size of a Charizard. It was slightly different from the Lugia she knew of. She knew Lugia to have a blue abdomen as well as other blue features. This Lugia had red features instead.

“Karina, I’ve been waiting for you!” Lugia excitedly stated in a feminine voice.

“So, I’ve heard, but we don’t have time to introduce ourselves now. We need you to fly us to safety.” Karina responded. Lugia nodded, spreading her wings so that the three could climb on. Once everyone was settled in, Lugia gave one flap of her wings and took off, flying directly into the vent. The vent was a straight shot to the sky, and before they knew it they had made it through. All the soldiers seemed to have flooded inside the building. Anytime now they would realize that their captives had escaped. “Alright Lugia, takes us to New Bark Town. That’s where we can get all this straightened out.”

“You know, I think we owe them a small parting gift.” Lugia spoke. She could sense the confusion in Karina. “Tell me to use Hyper Beam.” She continued. Karina perked up, with a smile stretching across her face.

“Lugia, use Hyper Beam!” Karina exclaimed. Lugia cocked her head back charging a golden orb. With a mighty thrust forward, Lugia swung her neck, releasing the beam at the building. Just like that, the building exploded. Karina’s plan had worked perfectly, and besides the now silent and petrified Banner, everyone turned out fine. “Alright, New Bark Town, here we come.”

Back in New Bark Town

Lugia descended in front of the Pokémon Lab, flapping her long wings. Professor Gem came running outside, in awe of the Pokémon he was looking at. He was even more in shock to find Karina, Reeper, and Banner riding on top of it.

“Oh, Professor Gem, do we have a story for you.” Karina announced.
Give it a read and a critique please
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