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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 10-16-2010, 09:47 PM
Rhythm Offline
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Default Hand-Me-Down Shoes [ready for grade]

Hand-Me-Down Shoes
Jimmy's shoes were too big for him, even when he had stuffed the toes with an extra pair of socks. This was generally a plight for him, which sort of came with the fact that he had four older brothers and all of their clothes were passed down to him. He wouldn't have particularly minded this if he didn't keep tripping over his own feet and falling on his face, so that he was usually a bit scratched up about the elbows and had a large band-aid plastered across his nose, not quite matching his naturally sanguine complexion.

He wouldn't have tripped, either, had it not been for the fact that his hair - the color of autumn wheat- was far too long and brushed the tops of his eyelashes. Sometimes it shifted just one way or the other, and it got in his eyes so that he couldn't see. After a while, he got in the habit of wearing a cap that had been passed down from his oldest brother for some stupid old baseball team that apparently used to be good. Jimmy didn't know much about baseball, but he did know that this particular team had just about the worst players and the worst coach in the entire history of baseball.

Now that it was summer, at least, he could wear shorts, which - unlike his latest pair of jeans - he didn't have to roll up three times before putting on. They were a bit baggy and constantly creased, but at least he wasn't always tripping over the cuffs. He reflected that this would probably be made a good deal worse by his overly large shoes. The problem was that he wasn't very big for his age, whereas all of his brothers had been, and so nothing they had worn ever fit him quite right. His mother, who had a “take it or leave it” kind of attitude about these things, was not particularly helpful when in came to his plight, so he bore it as best he could. After all, he'd rather be wearing hand-me-downs than nothing at all.

Jimmy was like all boys his age, rowdy, a bit over-eager, perhaps a bit impetuous now and then, but it was all in good spirit. He was decent in school, a well-behaved kid and fairly smart, plus he worked hard and never shirked away from his duty. He got the reputation of being a good kid and trustworthy, and the neighbors were all too glad to let him mow lawns to earn a bit of pocket change. So he spent the first few months of Summer, trudging along behind a push mower and stumbling over his own feet.

Jimmy had his own Pokémon, of which he was very proud, for he had caught it himself the previous Summer. Of course, nearly everyone in the town had a Pokémon or two, for their own protection or to help out with their jobs, and no one really thought much of it except Jimmy. He'd found the Rattata stealing seed corn from Farmer Jensen's barn, shortly before it was badly injured by the Skitty that was kept on the premises for the very purpose of keeping the pests away. Jimmy, coming across it lying on its side and bleeding, had taken it home and nursed it back to health, naming it Tartufo somewhere along the way.

Now, as Jimmy strolled along with hands in pockets, on his way to go pick up the lawnmower that he borrowed from Farmer Jensen on weekends, Tartufo hopped along at his side. The Rattata was an exceptional specimen, really, with a hefty, brisk appearance and a mellow, thoughtful manner about him. He was of good size, and a year's worth of table scraps had left his purple fur silky and shining and his face alert and friendly. Though not the most intelligent Pokémon around, perhaps, Tartufo was honest and trustworth enough, and Jimmy was very proud of him. He thought that Tartufo would make a good companion one day, if he ever fulfilled his dream of becoming a Pokémon trainer.

Jimmy cut across a field of swedes diagonally to reach the mouth of the barn, breathing in the rich scent of manure and sawdust and all the smells of the farmyard. He was careful among the planted rows, trying not to throw up dirt unnecessarily, but his too-large shoes were wreaking more havoc than usual. Tartufo duly ignored the plants, threading his way between them happily enough, occasionally stopping to brush out his creamy whiskers.

“Hello, Mr. Jensen!” Jimmy called out, catching sight of the farmer silhouetted against the bare light bulb in the tractor shed. Jensen was younger than one might have assumed from his station, with a kindly, lined face, and hair the color of a hickory nut. He had large hands, but a quick way of movement and value of hard work that made Jimmy admire him greatly. Currently his huge hands were stained by oil, just brushing the tops of his faded blue jeans and the gardening cloves that protruded from one pocket. When Jimmy spoke, he looked around and the young boy could see the troubled expression on his face.

“Oh, hello, Jimmy,” he replied kindly enough, although he seemed bothered by something, “I was just getting the lawnmower for you, it was just about out of gas... But it seems that my gas can's gone missing.”

“It was by the tractor last time I saw it, Mr. Jensen,” Jimmy replied quickly, as Tartufo scurried into the tractor shed. The Rattata began to scuffle about in some empty sacks, whiskers twitching warily as he did so. He scraped his paws across the ground and growled as a rodent will when irritated, looking up at Jimmy with his sharp red eyes as if awaiting something.

“Yeah, it was. I came out last night to make sure there was still enough left for you... There was plenty, but now it's gone. I reckon it's those galdurned thieves again,” Jensen said after a moment, leaning over to make sure he hadn't missed the gas can in the shadowy corners of the shed. Alas, his searching was for nothing, because he straightened up again and shrugged, dragging a hand across his pants and leaving and inky stain behind. “You know, it looks like Tartufo's got their scent, too.”

“Thieves? But why would they steal your little old gas can when they could easily get the lawnmower?” Jimmy asked, looking around on the floor just in case Jensen had somehow missed it.

“Not normal thieves, mind you, Jimbo,” Jensen replied cryptically, which caused his young comrade to raise an eyebrow at him dubiously, “Pokémon... A pair of them, working as a team. Although what they want my gasoline for I have no idea.”

“I've never heard of anything like that, Mr. Jensen,” Jimmy quipped skeptically, as Tartufo looked up and lashed his tail about impatiently, letting out something between a squeak and a growl. “...Pokémon working together to steal things from a farm. What kind of Pokémon are they, anyway? Not Rattata, do you think? I'd think they would steal seed corn or something, and Sebastian'd have them before you could say “rat” in any case...”

“See, that's where I'm stumped. Sebastian came limping back home this morning all scratched up and soaking wet, you see, and all I've found of them are footprints in the swedes. Anyway, I'm sure I'll bag 'em eventually, but right now I suppose I'd better go get some gasoline so that you can do your job. Sorry about all this.”

“It's alright, Mr. Jensen. Tartufo and I'll wait here 'till you get back, ok?” Jimmy replied amiably enough, but secretly his interest was piqued. There were evidently powerful Pokémon around here, if they could so easily trounce Sebastian, an expert ratter if ever there was one. Smart, too, if they were teaming up like this to snatch things. Just the kind of Pokémon he needed if he was going to become a trainer someday.

“That's fine, Jimmy. Probably a good thing, too, if you're here. I think the thieves have caught on that when the truck leaves the farm is all theirs.” Jensen, who could see past the tip of his nose, replied. With a wave of his greasy hand he moved off down the path and Jimmy watched as he went, sitting down on as box that happened to be sitting to one corner of the dusty tractor shed, just in front of a bunch of moldy hay.

At that moment, a furry face poked through the door and suddenly Tartufo sprang up and bounded into Jimmy's lap, shaking slightly. Tartufo had not forgotten what had happened the last time he met up with Sebastian, who now miaowed in greeting to Jimmy. The cat Pokémon was the normal sort of cream, with a light, pinky coat and slitted eyes. His large ears, each reaching up into three notches, twitched continually and Jimmy could see that there was a little knot of blood behind one where something had snagged at his ear.

Sebastian was exceptional for his species in that he was male, and also in that he exhibited none of the tendencies of his brethren towards lightheaded giddiness and playfulness. H was, rather, a sharp sort of cat and, as aforementioned, a good ratter, and he was much valued by Jensen for being less presumptuous than a Meowth or a Glameow. He was, rather, proud of himself for his work and did not need any reassurance from his owner. Sebastian mostly avoided people, in fact, but he had a special fondness for Jimmy, who had been known to slip him a bit of fish because the boy wasn't overly fond of seafood, and often slipped it in his pocket rather than eating it.

“Oh, hello, Sebastian,” Jimmy greeted the cat, who looked over him (as near as Jimmy could tell, for the eyes were slitted and impossible to see) hopefully, “sorry, bud. We had meatloaf last night.” Nonetheless, Sebastian purred warmly and rubbed up against his leg, causing Tartufo to scurry fearfully up to his shoulder, spitting violently. Jimmy could see bite marks on Sebastian's haunch, and knew that Jensen had not been lying when he'd said that the thieves must be tough. Sebastian, after all, had once been observed to attack and drive off a foraging Furret at least twice his size, and only on that occasion had Jimmy seen him scratched up. At present, he had apparently come off worse, as Jimmy could sense in his somewhat dampened attitude.

“It's alright, Tartufo,” Jimmy cooed reassuringly, for the Rattata's claws were digging into his shoulder nearly hard enough to draw blood. “Anyway, he'll leave you alone. Come on, let's go have a look around. Mr. Jensen said there were footprints in the swedes, maybe we can figure out what kind of Pokémon they are.” Standing up, with Tartufo still clinging to his shoulder, he exited the tractor shed, the morning sun throwing his shadow long in front of him. As they came up a small hill to the field that he had crossed earlier, he tripped a bit over his overly-large shoes and Tartufo jumped down indignantly, sprinting ahead with his back lit by the golden sun.

Jimmy saw what Jensen had been talking about on the instant, as Tartufo leapt cautiously across a length of planted field and sniffed at a smattering of paw prints, not unlike those made by Sebastian and about the same size, too. In fact, Jimmy would have taken them for the Skitty's tracks had not there been a second set, large and oval-shaped, alongside them, walking together at a diagonal across the field. This second set was made by some bipedal creature, as was easily determined from the line and the spacing. Jimmy was just trying to puzzle out what they were made by when suddenly a loud squeal emerged from the tractor shed and Sebastian came darting out, tail between legs and spitting fire and brimstone as he darted away, pursued by a dark Pokémon a bit smaller, but fierce as a dragon.

“A Poochyena!” Jimmy shouted, darting towards the Skitty, who skidded to a halt behind his legs gladly enough. The little dog Pokémon's hackles were up and her large teeth were showing as she growled at the sudden block from her prey. Red eyes met Jimmy's briefly and the fur stood on end as if electrified. The creature stood only marginally higher than Tartufo, but with the dark mask and white teeth and hair poofed out it looked much larger. Sebastian, almost twice her size, was cowering in terror behind Jimmy's legs, not caring for the determined, strong-jawed assailant in the least.

“Tartufo! Quick!” Jimmy yelped, for the Poochyena's ears were turned back and she was belly-growling in a menacing way. It was amazing how terrifying the little dog could be, for she seemed on the verge of attacking the trainer. Tartufo, stunned and a bit behind Jimmy, dashed into the fray, letting out a noise like a gaggle of geese as his tail rose and he hit the Poochyena full force with a tackle. This didn't actually do much, for the Poochyena was knocked a few inches backwards, but kept her footing and, as her instinct told her too, she bit Tartufo's leg as he was trying to escape.

The Rattata let out a heart-wrenching squall as he struggled to get away from the sharp grip, striking out with his back paws and feeling them pass across the Poochyena's nose. The dog Pokémon growled but did not let go of Tartufo's shoulder, biting down hard.

“Tartufo!” Jimmy shouted desperately, for the Rattata was flailing around, trying to escape, and no doubt making things worse for himself in the process. “Stop struggling and bite him back!” The Rattata could hardly hear or comprehend over the blinding wave of pain surging thorugh him, but he understood and lunged forward, getting a hold just below the Poochyena's head, close to her neck. He bit hard and pushed with his back legs, using his weight to try and get her to let go. They were fairly close in strength and size, however, and Jimmy could see that this was getting nowhere.

Suddenly, a high, strangled scream ripped through the air and Sebastian suddenly appeared on the other side of the Poochyena, attacking his flank and knocking him off balance. Stunned, she let go of Tartufo's leg and the Rattata sprung clear as best he could, although his shoulder and armpit were badly bitten. Sebastian aimed a heavy cuff at the Poochyena, claws extended, which hit the Poochyena squarely on the nose before she was able to get to her feet and spring away, three parallel red scratches across the bridge of her nose.

Bleeding from nose and neck and with an injured flank, the Poochyena sucked in breath and let out a loud howl that made the two opposing Pokémon cower in fear and almost turn to flee. Apparently this was a signal, because from the tractor shed an orange, weasel-like face poked. A ruff of yellow and a buff stomach made this new contender extremely recognizable, and Jimmy sucked in breath as he realized that it was a Buizel, much larger than any of the other Pokémon. This must be the other thief, and apparently the brains of the operation, as well. She took in the situation at a glance and rushed to her partner in crime's side, exchanging a few brief words and then getting ready to fight.

“Sebastian, will you help us?” Jimmy asked, looking over at the Skitty, even though it was plain enough that he would from the lashing tail and determined expression on his face. “Alright! Tartufo, you take Poochyena. Use Quick Attack! Sebastian, use Captivate and then Faint Attack on Buizel!” The Pokémon nodded, bracing themselves for the attack. Sebastian went first, prancing out into the open in a funny way, taking away the attention of the wild Pokémon from the battle at hand as he began to leap and gambol deceptively in the open, the eyes of the thieves following his strange, dancing movements. Suddenly, he was behind Buizel and pounced onto her back, claws extended as he tried to pin the water weasel to the ground. Tartufo was off on the instant, buffeting the Poochyena again on her injured hip and causing her to yelp in surprise, for her eyes had been on Sebastian.

The Buizel began to lash her tail furiously, whipping up a strong wind that buffeted the fur of all the Pokémon surrounding, but that then built and slapped Sebastian across the nose sharp enough to cut. With a distressed caterwaul, the Skitty sprang clear, and his opponent surged forward and aimed a scratch at him that he barely ducked clear of. Meanwhile, her partner the Poochyena snarled as she whirled to face the limping Tartufo, still bleeding from the bite in his shoulder. Not wanting to close with the vicious rat again, Poochyena thought quickly and turned away, beginning to kick up the sand violently in order to blind her opponent.

“Quick, Tartufo! Close your eyes!” Tartufo obeyed instantly, but luckily Poochyena's judgment had been bad, since the Razor Wind whipped up by Buizel was still present and most of the sand drifted wide. Still, Poochyena used what there was as cover, and Tartufo wheeled around and around, unable to find her until she was literally on top of him, striking him hard with a Take Down on his good shoulder. Tartufo was thrown onto the injured one and fell hard, striking against the Earth violently. Luckily, however, the attack had also taken its toll on Poochyena's flank, for she, too, was thrown off balance and ran face first into the dirt.

Meanwhile, Buizel shot a stream of water at Sebastian, who was hit full on and blinded by the water. He lashed out instinctively with a Double Slap, which luckily hit the first time but missed the second, as Sebastian struggled to get clear of the water that he so detested. Buizel crouched down and began to whip her tail about again, working up another Razor Wind.

“Sebastian! Hold your ground and use Copycat!” Jimmy cried, tripping as he tried to approach. “Are you ok, Tartufo? We have to finish this, use Hyper Fang and then Assurance!” Sebastien crouched down as the wind blew around him, prepared this time for the sharp slap and already working his own thistle-like tail frantically, copying the Buizel's motions exactly, at any moment expecting the blast of air to knock him off balance and destroy his own attack. At the same time, Poochyena and Tartufo struggled to their feet and glared at one another from opposite sides of the ground that had been used as a battlefield now. Dirt flew everywhere, and their eyesight was obscured as they tried to locate one another. Finally, a clear spot opened up, and they surged forward as one, fangs exposed, gripping at one another with sharp teeth, each trying to get the better hold.
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  #2  
Old 10-16-2010, 09:51 PM
Rhythm Offline
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 8
Default Re: Hand-Me-Down Shoes [ready for grade]

At that moment, the Razor Winds were both unleashed, and met in midair, slapping together violently and creating a backfire that hit both combatants and sent them flying. With catlike reflexes, Sebastian managed to land on his feet, but Buizel was not so lucky. For one, she was still thrashing her tail about and, as the wind caught her, she was lifted upwards. However, the air was too turbulent for her to stay adrift, and she slammed into the ground a few yards away, struggling to get back to her feet. For a moment, Poochyena and Tartufo were obscured by the flying dust, and Jimmy feared the worst, that his plan had backfired. Then, the dust cleared and he saw that both combatants were standing, teeth locked together, heads dropped like cart horses as they each strained to get the other to back off. Neither had been able to get a good hold, and now each was fending off the other, trying to win by brute force and weight alone.

Sebastian was breathing heavily, winded from his final attack, and Jimmy could see that he was spent. So was the Buizel, who seemed to be unable to stand, now, shocked at coming to ground so violently. Jimmy could have thrown a Pokéball, then, but he was too worried about Tartufo to do so. He only had two, in any case, bought last summer with his own money, scrimped and saved where he could afford to do so. He was beginning to see that the cost of this battle could be much more than he had bargained for.

Tartufo and the Poochyena had both gotten holds now, on the nape of the neck, trying to use Hyper Fang and Crunch respectively. Neither would let go, straining with back legs to push the other one, to make their opponent lose their balance. It seemed, then, that Poochyena had the upper hand with her superior size and weight, but what Jimmy did not know was that, earlier, when Sebastian had cuffed her across the face, the blow had slashed her nose, which was now blocked by her own blood. With her teeth closed in Tartufo's fur, she could not breathe.

Finally, mere moments later but an eternity to the concerned young trainer, something snapped in Poochyena, and she had to let go of her grip to breath. Tartufo took the initiative, giving one final strain and biting down, hard. The injured flank collapsed and Poochyena was rolled onto her side, at Tartufo's mercy.

At that moment, his injured foreleg gave out and he slumped to the side with a squeal as he let go his grip on Poochyena's neck. Exhausted, he backed off, head spinning, unable to continue fighting. Poochyena kicked out in the dirt and mud, but she was unable to get up, either. Jimmy took a deep breath and threw both of his Pokéballs, then, watching them soar through the air towards Buizel and Poochyena and envelop the two criminals in a flash of light.

As he ran towards Tartufo, he did not trip. He had done more than enough to fill those shoes. He took the injured Pokémon into his arms, examining the wounds, too worried about his partner and friend to even check on the two Pokémon that were now inside the Pokéballs.

Behind him, they shook once... twice...

-----------------------------------------------------

Pokemon Attempted: Poochyena and Buizel
Characters: 21,036
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  #3  
Old 12-10-2010, 10:07 PM
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Elrond Offline
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Default Re: Hand-Me-Down Shoes [ready for grade]

Introduction:

Whoa, info overload. It’s always good to have some description of who the main character is, what they look like, etc. but this was a lot more than necessary. I could have cut out the first 3000 characters or so, and the plot wouldn’t have lost a thing. Let’s look at this paragraph in particular:

Quote:
Jimmy had his own Pokémon, of which he was very proud, for he had caught it himself the previous Summer. Of course, nearly everyone in the town had a Pokémon or two, for their own protection or to help out with their jobs, and no one really thought much of it except Jimmy. He'd found the Rattata stealing seed corn from Farmer Jensen's barn, shortly before it was badly injured by the Skitty that was kept on the premises for the very purpose of keeping the pests away. Jimmy, coming across it lying on its side and bleeding, had taken it home and nursed it back to health, naming it Tartufo somewhere along the way.
The thing is, the only information this paragraph conveys that is really necessary to the plot is the fact that Jimmy has a Rattata. But you introduced this in the very next paragraph, where you mentioned that Tartufo was hopping along by Jimmy’s side. That’s much better than straight-out just saying he has a Rattata, because there’s action involved and you still get the added benefit of conveying the important information.

The information about how Jimmy found Rattata is in a sort of grey area. It helps to explain why Rattata reacts with such fear towards Sebastian. However, is that explanation really necessary? I mean, just leaving it to the reader to assume a rat Pokémon would be scared of a cat Pokémon doesn’t take anything away from the plot, does it? No, not really. So in essence, this paragraph could have been totally absent from the story and the plot would still have made perfect sense.

What I’m trying to say is, don’t feel as though your reader needs to know every little detail about your characters. You should know these sorts of these things, so you can tailor your characters’ actions to their personalities, which your reader will infer from those actions. Your introduction should start with action – and I don’t mean a big explosion or something like that, but someone needs to be doing something. You can convey any necessary information through those actions, like my example with Rattata hopping next to Jimmy, which is both an action and introduces an important fact.

Extraneous information isn’t always a purely negative thing, but it rarely adds anything to the story, and should therefore be avoided in large quantities.

Story/Plot:

The plot of this story was fairly bland. Jimmy learns something’s been stealing from the farm, so he goes and finds them, the end. I also don’t really understand how hand-me-down shoes have anything to do with the plot.

For your first story, this wasn’t too bad. There are a few things I would suggest you think about in writing your next story. For example, think about how you can create a character that ties into the plot more deeply. Jimmy was a fairly under-developed character. You gave me a lot of information about him and his family, but none of that really makes a difference to the plot. In the introduction section of this grade, I mentioned that you should know your character’s personalities and life stories so that information can guide your character’s actions. Well, those actions should move the plot forward. In this story, a bunch of things just seemed to happen, and Jimmy went along for the ride. Any trainer in the same situation probably would have reacted the same way and gone looking for the Pokémon. Any unique personality traits Jimmy has don’t seem to influence his actions at all.

Description/Detail:

I talked a little about telling vs. showing in my paragraph about your introduction, but that advice really does only apply to the intro. Once you got into the plot, your description improved and you did more showing than telling. I do have one example of your writing I’d like you to take a look at, just to show you one way you could improve.

Quote:
He was of good size, and a year's worth of table scraps had left his purple fur silky and shining and his face alert and friendly.
I’m mostly concerned with the bolded part. You see, “he was of good size” is incredibly vague. What’s “good?” I could interpret as meaning he was skinny, because having a fat Rattata would be bad, or I could interpret it as meaning he was average, or I could interpret it as meaning he was a little on the chubby side. Based on context, because you talked about table scraps, I’m guessing the latter is correct. It would therefore be better if you had said something like, “He was plump from a year’s worth of table scraps that had left his purple fur silky… etc.” The adjective “plump” is much more specific and allows me to immediately know what you mean.

Grammar/Style:

If I get nitpicky at all, just know that I don’t grade down for grammar unless there’s a serious issue, which there wasn’t. I want you to see some examples of ways you can improve your writing, but don’t get bogged down in this section.

Quote:
This was generally a plight for him, which sort of came with the fact that he had four older brothers and all of their clothes were passed down to him.
First of all, the word “generally” is unnecessary in the first part of the sentence. Think about it. If you take out that word, does the meaning of the sentence change at all? No, especially since the word “plight” implies that this is a continuous problem anyway. Secondly, the phrase “which sort of came with the fact that he had…” is terribly wordy. Try something simple like “because he had…” The sentence would still have the same meaning, and it would no longer be a mouthful.

Quote:
Tartufo,stunned and a bit behind Jimmy, dashed into the fray, letting out a noise like a gaggle of geese as his tail rose and he hit the Poochyena full force with a tackle.
I noticed you use the word “stunned” a lot. But here’s the thing: “stunned” means that the thing isn’t able to move – so how could Tartufo be dashing into the fray while he’s stunned? If he dashed after he was done being stunned, the sentence should have gone something like this: “Tartufo stood stunned, a bit behind Jimmy, then dashed into the fray…”

Quote:
Suddenly, a high, strangled scream ripped through the air and Sebastian suddenly appeared on the other side of the Poochyena…
First of all, if something was being strangled, it certainly couldn’t scream with any kind of force. Secondly, you repeated the word “suddenly” here, which isn’t great stylistically.

Quote:
At that moment, the Razor Winds were both unleashed…
Ew, passive voice. When you use the passive voice, the subject is having something done to it. In this case, the Razor Winds were unleashed by something else. A lot of writers use the passive voice because they want to keep the doer of the action (in this case, the person who unleashed the attacks) ambiguous, but it just doesn’t sound right. When you write, you should strive to use the active voice, in which the subject of a sentence is doing the action. Rewriting this sentence in the active voice would leave you with something like this: “At that moment, Buizel unleashed both Razor Winds…” See, the subject of the sentence is now the one who is doing the action (Buizel), rather than the thing receiving the action (the Razor Winds).

Quote:
It seemed, then, that Poochyena had the upper hand with her superior size and weight, but what Jimmy did not know was that, earlier, when Sebastian had cuffed her across the face, the blow had slashed her nose, which was now blocked by her own blood.
Here’s another example of where you became a little wordy. “…but Jimmy did not know that…” makes perfect sense and doesn’t sound awkward. Watch out for places like this. Less is often more, as long as the sentence still makes sense.

Length:

29995. More than enough.

Battle:

The battle was more than a third of the story’s length, which I’d say is pretty fair for a story like this. I thought it was well done, with plenty of action and variety of moves. That’s… it, basically.

Outcome:

For a first story, this was a solid attempt, so both Pokemon captured. Try to work on a little more creative plot for next time, and also don’t introduce your story with lots of little details about your character that the reader doesn’t need to know. Those can come later; putting them near the beginning is just gonna make the reader go find something else to read. Congrats. :)
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SotaOMG (10:05:46 PM): i think stunky is sexy
iamnotyou11 (10:05:54 PM): Soda stop being gay
supermonkey07@cox.net (10:06:03 PM): ironic statement?
<URPG>
I can probably take some grading requests now. But don't all rush me at once. :/

Last edited by Elrond; 01-05-2011 at 09:21 PM.
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