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Old 08-18-2010, 09:49 AM
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Default Battles and Confusions

Battles and Confusions
The Start of a Journey and Eternal Friendships
by Angel Aquino

Author’s Note: Hi, I’m Angel and this is my first URPG story. I’ve had a bit of experience already in writing original stories and fanfics, but I hope that if my story can still be improved, please do criticize or comment, no matter how harsh it would sound. Also, forgive me for making it a tad shorter than expected, but it was all I can do at the moment. So, on with the story!
(Disclaimer: I do not own either of the Pokémon stated in the story, they are owned by The Pokémon Company. =D)

The sun shone brightly in the late morning sky and the soft chirps of birds from the trees were carried by the wind. A young girl skipped happily on the dirt road of Forest Route 74, her black hair fluttering in the cool summer breeze. She had determined brown eyes and wore a light yet comfortable black shirt, and matching green cap, vest and pants.

A small, brown creature was cradled in her arms. It had a meek yet serious demeanor, and was obviously quite glad about its trainer. The trainer’s name was Angel, and having recently received her first Pokémon, an Eevee, she set off to begin her Pokémon journey with high spirits, and exciting adventures ahead.

Earlier that day…

It was the day after Angel’s 10th birthday, and she woke up with a large grin on her face. Getting up from her soft bed, she looked out the window to the small houses of Branchlet, her hometown, the warmth of the dawn bringing color to her cheeks. After a few minutes of fixing up, she hollered, “I’m ready, Dad!” and ran down the staircase to the laboratory.

The room was filled with equipment, food containers and specimens of all sorts, each arranged on one of the several desks and cabinets that the room contained. At one table, there was a large swivel chair, upon which sat Angel’s father, a man with large, strong build, mahogany hair and a lab coat. He stood up with a pleasant smile, hearing his daughter approach.

“Now what’s this surprise you’ve been telling me about?” she asked when she reached her father’s desk, but of course, she already knew. On this day, Angel would receive her fist Pokémon and finally begin her Pokémon journey, which was every child’s dream.

“Close your eyes first,” said Angel’s dad, who also happened to be Professor Mahogany, a renowned Pokémon expert and breeder. She immediately obeyed, and in her hands was placed a round container, with a button in front and two halves, one red and another white: a Poké Ball. Opening her eyes, Angel rushed to the professor and hugged him gently. “Thanks for the gift, Dad,”

“You’ve been waiting a long time for this; you deserve it. Now go on and see what Pokémon you got!” Gleefully, Angel pressed the button and threw the red and white sphere into the air, and a glowing red light emerged from inside. Catching the poké ball in her hands, she was delighted, and at the same time, not surprised, when she saw what had appeared. It was the Pokémon Eevee, a small, brown, fox-like creature, and the one Pokémon she’d always been waiting for. Scooping the tiny creature into her supportive arms, Angel said, “I guess I expected this, but-“

“As I said, no need,” Professor Mahogany interrupted, quite pleased. “Now, your bag’s already on the porch, with five poké balls, one potion and a Pokédex inside, so after you take breakfast, you can leave whenever you want.”

After placing Eevee back in its poké ball, the two of them then proceeded to the dining table, and as Angel sat, she laughed when she saw what was on her plate: a slightly charred waffle, with a sloppily-drawn smiley face made out of chocolate syrup.

The professor blushed slightly and apologized, saying, “You deserve better than this to start the first day of your Pokémon journey, but it was the least I could do.”

“Don’t worry about it, Dad,” Angel smiled, and happily ate her meal with her father, quickly finishing it to be able to start off early.

After checking everything in her bag, Angel rushed outside with her dad, Eevee again in her arms. Slinging the backpack on her shoulder, she said, “Well, see you, Dad. I’ll be talking to you soon. And thanks again.” Then she started off along the road leading out of the town, waving to her dad.

“Good luck, Angel!” he hollered, and smiled contentedly. “Enjoy yourself and make a lot of friends!”

Patting her newfound friend on the head, Angel said, “Eevee, do you know what my goal is?” The tiny, fox-like creature looked up to meet its trainer’s eyes, as though it were inquiring about the subject. Angel giggled at the cute look it gave her, and said, “Alright, Eevee. But let’s sit down first; we’ve been walking for quite a while now.

Setting Eevee down on the ground to take a rest under the shade of a large, sturdy oak tree, Angel took a sip of water from a tumbler and, watching Eevee settle itself on her lap, told it, “I want to be a Pokémon master, and make my dad proud. I guess you’d already met my dad, and he knew that you’d be the perfect friend for me, so he chose you to let me have a head start on my Pokémon journey, and I want to return to Branchlet Town someday with you, after we win battles and meet all sorts of friends. Don’t you think it’s all so exciting?”

Immediately after Angel had completed her question, Eevee pounced off of her lap and onto the ground, inching slowly away from the tree, as though in a battle stance.

“Eevee, what’s wrong?” Angel asked worriedly, quickly approaching Eevee. As if in response, three caterpillar-like creatures with sharp, horn-like needles sprouting from their heads advanced, creeping steadily down from the tree’s branches. Sunlight glinted off of the needles, adding to their ‘small but terrible’ look.

“Uh-oh….” Angel exclaimed, “Those are wild Weedle!” Taking out her sleek, black Pokédex, it stated in a digital, female voice, “Weedle, the Hairy Bug Pokémon. It eats its weight in leaves every day and fends off attackers with the needle on its head.”

Turning to her Pokémon, she asked nervously, “This’ll be your very first battle, Eevee. Are sure you’re up for this?” When it nodded, Angel sighed, and putting on a determined face to match her own Pokémon’s, she commanded, “Go, Eevee, use Quick Attack!” Instantly, Eevee rammed one Weedle straight into the tree, leaving it in a bad condition. “That’s the spirit, Eevee!” Angel cheered. “Now use Tackle and finish it off!”

Eevee then tackled the Weedle, and it fainted, but not before Eevee was hit with a barrage of Poison Sting from the two remaining Bug-types. The needles bruised Eevee quite badly, and it struggled to keep its balance. Angel ran to the damaged Pokémon, but before she could reach it, both Weedle attacked with String Shot, wrapping Eevee completely with a layer of thick silk string.

“No, Eevee!” Angel cried out, but just then, a mysterious pink glow engulfed the two wild Weedle, accompanied by a low humming sound, and the two Pokémon appeared to levitate.

“But how….?” she wondered, and a white Pokémon with a green head moved from behind another tree with its tiny feet. “Ralts, the Feeling Pokémon,” the Pokédex chirped, when Angel brought it out slowly to examine the creature “The horns on its head provide a strong power that enables it to sense people’s emotions.”

“A Ralts! So that’s why!” Angel exclaimed, and all of a sudden, the pink glow sent the two Weedle flying. As the pink glow disappeared, they fell to the ground, the strength of the impact making them faint instantly.

After the extraordinary battle, Angel unwrapped Eevee’s silk threads and sprayed a bit of potion onto it, and after explaining what had happened during the battle, they both went up to where Ralts was standing, but Angel was surprised to find it lying down, almost motionless. She examined it, and said, “It must have used up a lot of power to do that, so I guess it collapsed because of fatigue.” She then sprayed a little potion on the Ralts as well, and both Angel and Eevee were quite relieved to see it waking up, fully energized.

“Ralts, thank you so much for the help,” Angel said softly to it. “I guess we couldn’t have won the battle without you.” Surprisingly, the timid Pokémon wasn't frightened at all, but actually seemed pleased with the company, giving both of them a gentle smile of contentment.

Then, a tiny voice spoke inside the minds of both Angel and Eevee and said, “Thank you, too, for giving me a chance to battle those Weedle. The bug Pokémon that live in this forest were responsible for driving my brothers and sisters out, and I was left alone, afraid. But I’m not afraid now, because you gave me a chance to fight them, and I owe it to both of you.”

Angel was both shocked and pleased that Ralts spoke to them, because she knew that only those who have earned one’s trust could hear them. “You know, I have an idea, Ralts,” she then told it with a keen smile. “You’re really strong, and now that we trust each other, I thought that maybe you would like to join our team. But of course, we’ll battle you first. So, how about it?” It then stood up straight, and, brushing off little pieces of dirt on its white body, bowed its head to both the trainer and the Pokémon. Angel grinned, saying, “I’ll take that as a yes!”

The sun heated up the battlefield, moving farther up the clear, blue sky as it neared noon, and Angel’s eyes seemed to shine with determination. As Ralts stood by the tree and Angel at the other, she turned to Eevee and said, “Well, Eevee, this is it! Our first friend on our journey, and I’ll capture it with your help! Ready?” Eevee nodded, straightening up, and at once, Angel told it, “Go, Eevee, let’s start this with a Tackle!” The Pokémon rushed to hit the Ralts, but all Eevee landed on was a patch of grass, and suddenly, it appeared as though a dozen Ralts surrounded Eevee all at once.

“It used Double Team!” Angel muttered. “This’ll be harder than I thought.” Then, when the other holograms began to fade, she pointed, “There, to your right!” Eevee understood, and tackled the Ralts, and it was hit by the attack, but just as it was about to fall to the ground, it vanished from sight.

Angel said, “That must’ve been Teleport! This Ralts does have a few tricks up its sleeve. But so do we!” Anticipating its next move, Angel directed, “Now, turn around and tackle, Eevee!” It did just that, and Ralts’s form reappeared on the ground, with a few bruises from taking a couple of direct hits. But then, the same pink light they had seen earlier enveloped Eevee, and it appeared to float in the air.

“Oh, no! It’s that Confusion again!” Angel groaned, knowing what the attack could do to an opponent. As the glow dissipated from around Eevee, it fell to the ground, creating bruises all over its body. Feebly, it got up, and pushed itself to stand up for its trainer’s sake.

“You can do it, Eevee! I believe in you!” the young trainer urged. All of a sudden, a plan began to form in Angel’s mind as she thought, “Ralts just used Confusion, which takes a lot of its energy, plus it’s backed into that tree, so....Now, Eevee! Quick Attack!” As soon as she had said that, Eevee dashed with all the strength it could muster in its state, delivering a harsh blow to Ralts, and sending it straight into the tree bark.

As the Pokémon fell back, Angel tossed a poké ball at the base of the tree, enclosing the weakened Ralts with a red glow, similar to what she’d seen with Eevee’s poké ball earlier that morning. It tilted slowly from side to side, making a whirring noise, and Angel closed her eyes, silently praying.

"Please, Ralts....Be my friend."

Pokémon: Ralts
Category: Medium
Character Count:
Without Spacing- 9.5k
With Spacing- 11.5k

Last edited by AngelAquino; 08-21-2010 at 06:15 AM.
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Old 02-01-2011, 06:42 PM
Turtwig's A-B-Cs Offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 252
Default Re: Battles and Confusions

Introduction: To be honest, the introduction to this story wasn't really that great. It was enough to suck somebody into the story, but not really exciting, mostly because it doesn't really seem like an introduction to me. It isn't what’s happening though; it’s how it is written. “The sun shone brightly” is an awkward way to start, as it doesn't really show anything.

However, you did start to improve by the second sentence, and in my opinion, that probably would have been a better start to the story, as I felt it to be more of a 'hook'.

Plot: To me, this plot seemed to have a huge amount of facts from the series in general. You had the 10 year old when starting the journey, which was introduced in the anime. Then you had a professor as the father, which also happens with the rival in Ruby, Sapphire, and Emerald, though I’m pretty sure it was just a coincidence. Then there's Branchlet Town, which seems to follow the pattern of beginning town names.

In fact, the story can seem a bit on the unoriginal side with all of the references to the anime and games, so you might also want to contain some more original content if you decide to make another story, just to be on the safe side. Something you could do could be telling the story in the Ralts's eyes, rather than the Trainer's.

The plot in actuality though was also pretty unoriginal: Trainer starts journey, and then battles the target. You did have a little twist with Ralts being encountered when it fought the Weedle, but it still very much follows that format. Following this format is okay, but it would be great if you strayed away from it too.

Reality: As far as Pokémon goes, this is pretty realistic. Of course, considering all the references, it is hard to say anything else.

Grammar/Spelling: I actually only saw one grammatical/spelling error throughout reading this story, and it wasn't repeated or anything, so I guess it was just a slip. Therefore, you did well in this section for the most part.

Description: You most certainly described characters, things, and places in this story. In my eyes, it was a perfect amount of description, not too little and not too much. Few things were actually left without description, so great job here! You only didn't describe a bit in the battle section, seen below.

Dialogue: The dialogue in this story was mostly between Angel and her dad in the beginning, then it turned into battle commands soon. Not saying that's a bad thing though, if there's a battle with a Wild Pokémon, that's really all is to be expected.

There was some errors with your dialogue though, such as here:

“Don’t worry about it, Dad,” Angel smiled
Right there, you should not have had a comma, but instead a period because she didn't smile that sentence.

Battle: You definitely described the attacks used in battle here, but I felt some periods in the battle weren't exactly exciting. Well actually, most of the Weedle battle scene didn't really appeal to me. Maybe it could be due to lack of description or something else, but an example is here:

Eevee then tackled the Weedle, and it fainted, but not before Eevee was hit with a barrage of Poison Sting from the two remaining Bug-types
The place I'm focusing on right now is the "and it fainted" part. I felt that needed more than a couple words of mention, maybe a little description of fainting. Something else that was slightly unsettling to me was that Tackle was described as "then tackled". It might be better if you describe the attack using something other than a word in the same word family as its name, otherwise it seems a bit redundant.

Remember though, the battle doesn't really matter, so don't worry, you're still good.

Length: This story is about 11,100 characters, which is enough to capture a Medium-ranked Pokémon such as Ralts.

Outcome: You did have a not-so-good introduction as well as some unoriginal content with an iffy battle section, but you also had a great amount of description and didn’t have any repeated grammatical errors. Therefore, I’m saying that Ralts is captured! Congratulations on your new Pokémon, I hope to read more of your writing in the future!
Specs Unown
Hidden Power
This is an ingenious moveset spread across the ages, constructed piece by piece with painstaking care in the arching caverns and ancient machinery of the most devious and cunning hive mind in the history of anything. This moveset brings Unown's fullest potential into the light. His most powerful move, Hidden Power, rips through Magikarp, Hoppip, and Feebas with its unimaginable power, 2HKOing and OHKOing Magikarp and Hoppip with Hidden Power Ice, respectively. A neutral Hidden Power gives Feebas the ol' one-two-hit KO. When facing such opponents, Unown is unbeatable.

Last edited by Turtwig's A-B-Cs; 02-02-2011 at 03:41 PM.
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