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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 08-14-2011, 02:57 AM
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Default _|-Day at the Zoo-|_

Day at the Zoo


“Dad, can we go to the zoo today?” A twelve year old boy with round glasses and blonde hair asked. His baby blue shirt read “Best Dad in the World.”

“No Buzz, I don’t have time to take you son.” A tall man said. He had glasses that matched those of his son. “Besides, aren’t you too old for that? You need to grow up.”

“Okay dad.” Buzz said, putting on a sad face as he began to walk out of the room.

“You know that stupid look doesn’t do anything, never has.” Buzz’s dad responded. Then he let out a sigh. “Okay, fine. Go get your brother.”

“Does he have to go? Chain is such a girl.” Buzz whined.

“Just go get him, I don’t have a babysitter.” He said, pointing towards the other room. Buzz groaned and dragged his feet into the other room.

“Kids these days,” He sighed, and then shook his head.

“Dad, do I have to go?” A tall ten year old kid with black hair complained.

“No, you can stay here and clean the kitchen like your sister Winter if you want.” He grumbled.

“Okay… fine.” Chain grumbled.

-

“Ooooh, can we go by the Butterfree exhibit dad?” Chain asked. “I just love when they tickle my nose.”

“Stop being such a girl Chain,” Buzz mocked. Chain just rolled his eyes and continued walking.

“Buzz, leave him alone. Sure son, we’ll go there later.” Dad said.

“Thanks dad, you’re the best.” Chain cried out happily.

“I know, that’s why Buzz is wearing that shirt.” Dad joked.

-

“Look at those stupid Sewaddle.” Buzz said laughing. Then he picked up a rock and threw it at one of the Sewaddle’s head. The Sewaddle who got hit with the rock glared at Buzz.

“Don’t do that to them.” Chain said angrily. The Sewaddle then sucked in a bunch of air and shot a silky thread towards Buzz. Buzz quickly ducked and the String Shot attack hit Chain in the face. Buzz fell on the floor laughing. Chain started crying and clawed the stuff off of his face.

“Sorry, I’ll be back.” Dad said to a beautiful brunette. “Buzz, what did you do now?”

“Nothing dad, Chain threw a rock at that Sewaddle and it shot its stuff in his face.” Buzz said, continuing to laugh.

“Let me see son.” Dad said. He knelt down on one knee and helped him remove the thread. As soon as the silky thread was off of Chains face, another batch came in and hit him again. This time though, the Sewaddle came with it. The Sewing Pokémon glared angrily at Chain for some reason.

“Looks like it wants to battle you son. What kind of zoo allows Pokémon to come out of their habitats on their own.” Dad grumbled. Chain reached into his pocket and pulled out a Pokeball. He tossed it in front of him, releasing a small Ralts.

“Okay Dual,” Chain began, but before he could finish, Sewaddle launched forward and bit down hard on Dual. The small Ralts cried out in pain. Sewaddle didn’t let go of Dual and continued biting down hard. “Throw it off with Psychic.”

Dual’s entire body began glowing a deep blue color. The glow extended over to Sewaddle and within seconds, the bug flew off and hit the cage. Chain took out a Pokéball, but before he could throw it, he saw a Pokéball fly past him and hit the Sewaddle. The ball hit the Sewing Pokémon and a red light sucked it in. The ball shook twice and remained restless on the ground.

Chain turned around to see who threw the Pokéball. Buzz was standing behind him with a huge grin on his face. Chain walked over towards Buzz and punched him in the face and he fell to the ground. Then, crying sounds could be heard coming from Buzz.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean too.” Chain said apologetically.

“Hahaha, as if that hurt.” Buzz said, as he began to laugh his ass off. He then walked over towards the Pokéball and picked it up. “Can I keep it dad?” Buzz asked.

“I don’t think you can keep Pokémon from the zoo Buzz, but we can ask.” Dad responded, Chain just pouted.
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  #2  
Old 08-14-2011, 02:59 AM
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Default Re: _|-Day at the Zoo-|_

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ready for Grading:

Pokemon Attempted: Sewaddle

3k to 5k Character Range

Character Count (Without Spaces): 3,o55

Character Count (With Spaces): 3,764

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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  #3  
Old 09-25-2011, 03:20 AM
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Default Re: _|-Day at the Zoo-|_

Claimed. SHOULDN'T TAKE ME TOO LONG PROBABLY.
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  #4  
Old 10-07-2011, 05:01 PM
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Default Re: _|-Day at the Zoo-|_

IGNORE THE PREVIOUS POST. Sorry this took so long Bumbles. ;-;

Intro/Plot/Characters: Not too complicated of a story: some kids go to the zoo, one of them is a Woobie, while the other is sort of a really big Jerkass. The Woobie gets attacked by a Sewaddle, because the Jerkass hits it with a rock, and a Pokemon battle ensues. I do like the touch with Buzz ending up catching it, rather than Chainy keeping it. Keeping up with characterization is always good, even in short little vignettes like this.

As far as characters go... I spent the whole story snickering. From the intro up until the end, you had their characters pretty solid...

Quote:
“Hahaha, as if that hurt.” Buzz said, as he began to laugh his ass off. He then walked over towards the Pokéball and picked it up. “Can I keep it dad?” Buzz asked.
*snickers*

Although, if Winter is their sister... that leads to some disturbing implications. O_O

Mostly, though, for what your plot lacks in class and complexity, it was good enough for a Sewaddle. (Laughs buy points with me.)

Detail: Well, there's not a ton, which can be a problem, though I assume that's because you didn't want to go into too much detail with Buzz and Chainy. X_X There is a smidgen with the hair color and the shirts, but still, it would've been nice to know a bit more about what the zoo and the Pokemon look like. Or there dad for that matter. (Who is that, by the way? Sam? JESS? I bet it's Jess.) Anyways, you could've done a lot more with description, which makes this the weak section in your story.

Grammar:

Quote:
“Dad, can we go to the zoo today?” A twelve year old boy with round glasses and blonde hair asked.
That 'A' after the dialogue should be lowercase, because it's part of a dialogue tag. Dialogue tags are basically the part of the sentence following the dialogue and describe how something was said. Some of the most common are words like 'said', 'yelled', 'shouted', etc. I just pointed this out, because you made the capitalization mistake several times, but it's something that you can pick up on pretty easy. ^_^

Quote:
“Thanks dad, you’re the best.”
When 'Dad' is a person, the word should be capitalized. It's only lowercase if it's descriptive, for example, "John is Mick's dad."

Length: You're just over the line.

Outcome: Sewaddle... captured.

The only thing you really need to work on is that description. Just because it's easiest doesn't mean you can skimp out in the future. e_e Well, have fun with this anyways:

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