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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 05-03-2011, 02:14 AM
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Default Starting the Blaise (Chapter 2, Ready for Grading)

(There are 13,174 characters total, with no spaces. Counting spaces, there would be 15,888 characters total. I'm going for a Sandile here. This is my first story.)

Starting the Blaise

Leonard looked through the window. He didn’t want to introduce himself right in the middle of battle.

Leonard didn’t need to see the problem right away to tell there was already one. The school’s dean had said that Blaise had to learn how to be a Trainer, and he also said that Blaise couldn’t graduate school until he could know that. However, the dean had stressed that the performance levels Blaise demonstrated were dancing on the line of perfection. A honor roll, every year. His battling skill was very good too, able to cream opposition like Leonard himself could.

Leonard had already talked with the teachers, and they said Blaise had never caught any Pokemon in his life, preferring to use the ones the School provided. This was normal for the average kid, but Leonard felt that for someone dedicated to Pokemon Battling that passionately, that not having any Pokemon that he personally owned was very awkward. The teachers commented that Blaise was the best student the school had academically, and was a great battler. Leonard couldn’t immediately tell why Blaise wasn’t ready to be a trainer, although he had a very good hunch.

The battle Leonard was looking at was one where it was obvious that Blaise was absolutely dominating. Blaise was short, had blond and orange hair, and had aquamarine eyes, with near-white skin being half-coated with pimples. He was short and light, but he had enough muscle for his age. His clothes were well-kept, plain, and didn’t clash. His T-shirt was red, his shoes were black and purple, and his jeans were a dark navy. From what Leonard got on the kid, Blaise was 13, had high A’s in all classes except Gym, where he got B’s, and was a good-natured kid at heart. The Togepi he borrowed for the battle had the same aquamarine eyes, and the same passion and wit, from what Leonard could grasp. Considering that he did quite a lot of stuff that even he probably didn’t believe was possible in the slightest, that was pretty much everyday.

That battle, where Blaise’s borrowed Togepi made easy slaughter of a Riolu and a Timburr, with little assistance from a Geodude, made absolutely sure that what the dean said was true.

However, it was just a short time after school, when he caught the problem.

When someone won, someone else lost. Blaise won to the point where his victory-streak could have looked more like cheating than actually winning true-and-blue. Couple that fact with kids that were defiantly sore losers, and you’ve got a problem.

What Blaise did when battling was practically the reverse of what he could do now. Whist Blaise, when battling, was in his element, and could practically control the outcome, Blaise, when dealing with those that lost to his battling prowess, was like a ragdoll, unable to do anything. He was strong enough that he was capable of taking those beatings and being able to walk afterwards, but the spectacle was something out of hand for the teachers. They never saw who did it, Blaise was shoved on the ground face-down before he could tell who did it, and the students that did ran off before they could. What they left was their victim, bloody and beaten, but fortunately able to move. Leonard considered it a miracle that the worst that came of it was a nasty skid mark.

And it was at last that somebody witnessed these bloody beatings. None of the kids that Blaise faced during the school day had the idea to check for people in the vicinity of the area which they decided to ambush and beat Blaise up at.

It was the classic schoolyard bullying session, save that it was several kids beating up on a very defenseless Blaise, which wasn’t so classic. Gang-ups weren’t classic in Leonard’s book. Fortunately, this session of beating up on Blaise was quickly over. Again, none of the offenders had the idea to check around nearby to see if there was anyone that cared, out of obvious sight.

It took no more than three steps for the students to disband from their group session of pummeling. Leonard caught every face there, in the brief time the kids took to look at the newcomer, and get out of the way. However, their punishment would come later. Leonard had yet to introduce himself to Blaise.

"Hi there. I’m Leonard." Leonard said.

"…Hi…I’m Blaise…Thanks…" Blaise said, obviously having taken quite a pounding in the short time when the beat-down was initiated. Unlike other times, after what was possibly a minute of fists being flung at the poor kid, resulting in Blaise getting major bruises, cuts, blood marks, and nasty skids, Blaise laid on the ground, with some moderate bruises and a bloody lip, but otherwise intact.

"So. What’s up? Why do they do that?" Leonard said, already knowing the answer.

"…I don’t know…Either they’re just sore losers…They think I’m cheating…Or they think I’m a teacher’s pet, or something…" Blaise said. "…I-I don’t cheat!" Blaise added hastily, as if Leonard were to guess that he might have cheated.

Leonard breathed. The task the dean decided to burden Leonard with was defiantly enough, but defiantly wasn’t what he expected.

Blaise’s story is that he was an orphan for as long as ever, and the dean was a foster parent for the kid, allowing him free entry into the boarding school. However, due to Blaise’s ability to Pokemon Battle, the kids have gotten exensively bitter at their defeats, calling it cheating, and just downright hating Blaise. However, an issue besides his inability to fight against the bullying he suffers through on a weekly basis, is his latching onto the teachers. Even the dean has a right to say he’s a teacher’s pet. However, this was to enough of an extreme that the dean had a slight fear; that Blaise would never be able to go out on his own, always needing an authority figure to cling to. Considering this need was pretty much met every day, it would be very hard to tell whether or not Blaise actually had a need for it.

Henceforth, Leonard needed to take Blaise from the Trainer School in Striaton City, and instead of having Blaise stay there for the summer (like he was accustomed to), move him to Leonard’s house in Undella Town, having Leonard make Blaise start to catch his own Pokemon. This worked out the problem, considering Leonard was, by any means, no teacher. He could tell Blaise how to throw a PokeBall at a Pokemon to capture it, but he’d be sleeping quite quickly afterwards.

The Following day, Blaise was confused-yet still accepting-of the small change in plans for summer vacation. However, Blaise was grinning at the chance to bring the Togepi he previously was fighting with the previous day, during that time.

It was the dean’s parting gift for Blaise-and a notable reminder for Leonard. Trainers with their own Pokemon generally leave Trainer’s School in three months. That Togepi, now being owned by Blaise, for Leonard, meant that he had to make Blaise a trainer in three months.

Leonard thought privately. It wouldn't be the hardest thing he ever did. Three months was a lot of time.


Leonard and Blaise helped to pack up the minimal amount of values Blaise possessed. It was minimal not because the dean was poor, but rather was because of the fact that the only things that Blaise owned besides books on Pokemon Training were either knickknacks or pictures of Pokemon. It therefore took a very short time to pack everything, after Leonard told Blaise that he wouldn’t have Blaise taking every book he had with him to the trip. He also said to keep talking to a minimum. When Blaise asked why, Leonard told Blaise that he wasn’t exactly used to driving, and had a nasty habit of swerving if a loud noise was suddenly made. Therefore, Blaise kept his mouth closed out of politeness for the trip.

Driving through the various routes, Blaise and Leonard looked and admired the beauty of nature, the feel that the world around them was going to be swallowed up by the trees and forests nearby, even when driving through Nacrene City. Nacrene City was rustic, with the only modern buildings being the museum and the Pokemon Center. Driving through Pinwheel Forest was even more so out of place; It seemed as if new trees could simply grow out of the ground overnight with little difficulty involved, cover from the sun being minimal. Blaise looked at everything new in awe. Leonard was too focused on driving to pay attention to it.

The Drive to Skyarrow Bridge calmed Leonard’s nerves slightly. He liked Skyarrow Bridge. It was unique in it’s design, and the traffic was never crowded on Skyarrow Bridge. It’s view included parts of the beautiful Pinwheel Forest, a massive testimony to nature’s beauty and boldness, and the Castelia Skyline, a massive testimony to humankind’s imagination and intelligence. In between these two monuments of opposing forces was a body of crystal-clear water, easing the incredible juxtaposition.

Leonard crossed over to Castelia City, and was already admiring the massive amount of skyscrapers that were as abundant as Pokemon on the planet. He was also admiring the fast food restaurants. He seriously wanted some food. He told Blaise that he would stop here for some fast food, parking in the lot of a small fast food chain nearby the ‘famous’ Casteliacone shop.

Leonard would quickly wish he took the Drive-Through.

"What’s Undella Town Like? What kind of Pokemon Live there? What kind of Pokemon do you have? Do you collect badges? Do you do contests? Have you ever gone to the Pokemon league? Do you have a Pokedex? Have you met Alder before? Have you met Professor Juniper Before? Have you gone to other regions before? Have you gone to Dragonspiral Tower before?" Blaise questioned, all in rapid fire, quickly saying all of it right as Leonard got out of the car, saying every one slow enough for Leonard to properly process, yet fast enough to say all of them in a very short time. A continuous torrent of questions that Blaise obviously held back from Leonard during the drive out of respect was now being unleashed full-fold, and Leonard’s only defense was ignorance. He walked in, ordered something for the two of them (Blaise stopped asking questions long enough for him to say his order), and ate his meal, all without saying a word. Blaise’s ability to tear into food and finish it off contrasted Leonard’s slow chewing and swallowing.

Leonard honestly wanted Blaise to be a little more calm. He understood why Blaise was shooting more questions at him than an interviewer would, but Leonard was truly more concerned about getting enough sleep that had it been a job to sleep, he would be a billionaire when he had enough. He wanted to go to Undella Town, swim in the pool for a while, then go to sleep for the rest of the day, all without being bombarded with questions. He probably guessed that Blaise wished that Leonard was more responsive, but had he been, he likely would have told Blaise to stop in a rather unkind way.

However, the questions kept coming, a hailstorm of curiosity that Leonard honestly wanted to be quelled, so Leonard decided to walk over to the Casteliacone store, wait in the ludicrously long line, buy the last Casteliacone, and give it to Blaise, in an effort to keep him quiet. It was quickly devoured, and the questions quickly resumed. Blaise kept shooting questions, until one question, the one question that Leonard hoped the answer to would keep Blaise from talking further, was finally asked.

"Umm…Why aren’t you answering any of my questions?" Blaise said. The question that came out of Blaise’s lips was more melodious than an angel’s singing.

"Because, I’m too lazy to answer any questions while we’re traveling…except that one." Leonard answered. "Keep the questions to yourself until we reach Undella Town, OK? I’ll answer then.” He added.

Blaise silently re-entered the car. He was a little pissed off that Leonard was that lax.

Leonard was fortunate that the road construction on Route 4 was over and done with…However, the sandstorm still kept Leonard’s car at such speeds that it would have been faster to walk to the next city. Leonard was rather unhappy with the heat, the sand, the heat, the endless traffic, the heat, the fact that he’d probably have to spend the night in a hotel, the heat, the time that was inadvertently being wasted when he could have been teaching Blaise how to be a full-fledged trainer, and the heat. Especially the heat. One look back, however, told Leonard that Blaise was as comfortable as a Sandile was in the heat. Looking back at the road ahead-

Dear Arceus. Sandile on the Hood. Sandile on the Hood! Leonard immediately jumped out of the car-he had a neighbor who had a Sandile. The Sandile ripped through another neighbor’s car with ease. He did not want his ride out of commission. Sure, it was easy to walk to Nimbasa City from here, but all the way to Undella Town? No way.

Leonard was about to throw out the PokeBall, able to knock the crud out of that Sandile that threatened the safety of his vehicle…When he caught Blaise also exiting the car.

"Can I catch it?" Blaise asked.

Leonard quickly thought it over. On the one hand, he could whip out his own Pokemon, and kick the crud out of that Sandile, but that would raise a commotion. His Pokemon were powerhouses. But it would be much faster. On the other hand, he let’s Blaise take care of it, potentially catching it, and he’d gain experience as a trainer, and potentially a new friend. But it could leave enough time for the Sandile to wreck the vehicle.

Leonard threw that last fact out the window when remembering watching Blaise knock the crud out of the Riolu and the Timburr previous. Surely a Sandile wouldn’t be a huge problem to a trainer who could do that?

"Go right on ahead!" Leonard said. "Catch it if you can!" Leonard added.

Blaise looked like he just won the lottery.

"Go! Togepi! Use Sweet Kiss!" Blaise immediatly said, throwing out the PokeBall and letting loose a cute little egg-looking Pokemon that was indeed a Togepi. It quickly found it's target-The intruding Sandile-and attacked quickly, letting loose a Sweet Kiss, letting an air kiss take a form that could be seen, and letting it connect with the Sandile's lips.

The Sandile was immediatly struck with confusion. One instant, it was looking through a glass window, next thing she knew, she was being air kissed by an egg. And then the actual confusion set in, suddenly fogging up the Sandile's mind, making her think rather slowly and stupidly. She understood that the Egg was a Pokemon, and that Pokemon wished harm upon her, but she mistook her target for a nearby rock, tackling into it full-force, and paying for it in her own pain and humiliation.

"Metronome, Togepi!" Blaise called.

Now Leonard was really paying attention. Metronome was the random gambit, the attack of all attacks. It could turn into anything from Splash to Judgement, and many new moves were always discovered firsthand by the use of Metronome. The Togepi started waggling it's hand in a back and forth motion, a motion that stimulated the brain, feeding it information that the Togepi would probably never know of again...

...And the information told Togepi how to use Slash. Togepi used it's spiky head as a blade of sorts, and cut into the Sandile with ease, the poor thing too confused to know that it was being attacked, and currently facing the rock it tackled. It left a nasty slash mark, and left a nasty lacreation on the Pokemon's back. It took on a look of angry suprise, and at once removed itself of all it's confused actions. Immediatly finding it's target, it prepared to use Tackle again, charging headlong into the Togepi.

But Blaise threw a Pokeball, one of the items he had with him on his person, with little trouble, the Ball fortunatly stopping the attack inches from Blaise's Togepi.

Blaise watched with high hopes, crossing his fingers, hoping that the catch was made. Leonard had equally high hopes, though his expression showed a small curiosity over the amount of emotion that Blaise did.
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Last edited by Latio-Nytro; 08-24-2011 at 05:43 PM.
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  #2  
Old 06-18-2011, 09:43 PM
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Default Re: Starting the Blaise (Ready For Grading.)

-Claimed-
Your grade will be ready in 1-3 days. :)

EDIT: It actually might take me a few more days, as I've been kinda busy the past few days.
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Last edited by Eeveedude; 06-21-2011 at 01:01 PM.
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  #3  
Old 06-26-2011, 11:19 PM
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Default Re: Starting the Blaise (Ready For Grading.)

Grade for Starting the Blaise

Introduction [Good]:
The introduction was good, as it satisfied all of the necessities that an introduction must have. Both of the main characters were introduced properly. You also explained each character’s purpose in the story which helped the reader get a grip of what the characters are trying to accomplish throughout the story. Leonard was attempting to train Blaise to be a Pokémon Master, while Blaise simply wanted to learn more about Pokémon without the distractions of his school. Additionally, you introduced the conflict and the setting in an understandable manner.

Plot: [Good]
It was solid, for a Medium ranked Pokemon. It wasn’t the usual “kid walks into forest/desert/lake/cave and encounters a Pokemon” however the ending sort of brought me back to those stories (I’ll address this in a second). The thing that sets your story apart is the background you gave on your characters. This allowed the reader to fully understand the main goals of each character and what they intended to accomplish within the story. This is a very strong way to connect to the reader.

Additionally, your story had a legitimate conflict: Blaise couldn’t get the education he needed unless Leonard tutored him privately during the summer.

My main complaint with the plot was that the encounter with Sandile was pretty abrupt and didn’t seem to have anything to do with the story. I would have liked to see Sandile integrated throughout the story somehow, rather than it be a random encounter. I felt like just about any Pokemon could have been swapped in at the end and no one would have known a difference. There’s nothing terribly wrong with this method, however it doesn’t contribute positively toward the story either.

Your plot was indeed interesting, but I felt that the Pokemon you were attempting to capture needed to play a larger role in the story, since the ultimate purpose of writing this story was to catch the Sandile. (Besides the fact that you may just like to write stories. :P)

Grammar [Poor]:
Most of the grammatical problems existed in the way you worded things. I’ll address that in the next section. Besides the wording, there were a couple other grammatical issues that occurred more than once, which I’ll attempt to help you with, in this section.

Quote:
Whist Blaise, when battling, was in his element, and could practically control the outcome, Blaise, when dealing with those that lost to his battling prowess, was like a ragdoll, unable to do anything.
I noticed that there were quite a few times where you made sentences much more complicated than they needed to be. In this example, you simply attempt to cram too much information into one sentence. Instead, you could reword it into two, maybe three sentences. Something like this…

- Blaise was in his element when he battled. He could practically control the outcome of each battle he participated in. When dealing with those that lost to his battling prowess, Blaise was as helpless as a ragdoll.

Don’t be afraid to be direct when describing things.

Quote:
Leonard immediately jumped out of the car-he had a neighbor who had a Sandile. The Sandile ripped through another neighbor’s car with ease. He did not want his ride out of commission.
In this example, you need to be more specific. You talk about two completely different instances without giving clear warning. Something like this would make more sense…

- Leonard immediately jumped out of the car. He had recently had a neighbor whose car was trashed by a Sandile and he wasn’t about to let this Sandile wreck his own vehicle.

I’m not saying that this is the only way it can be changed, I’m only stressing that there needs to be more specificity in certain areas of the story.

Besides these, there were multiple misspellings such as “defiantly” being used instead of “definitely”, and “it’s” where “its” was needed. Remember that “it’s” is the contraction for “it is” and “its” is the possessive form of the word.

I felt as though at least half of these errors that could have been avoided with a mere proofread. Proofreading is a vital component of writing. When proofreading, it’s also a good idea to take a break between completing the story and reading it through. This gives you a fresh outlook on the story and helps when looking for grammatical errors. Another method to help correct grammar problems is copy/pasting your story into a word processor such as Microsoft Word or Google Docs.

Word Usage[Poor]:
To be very honest, this section was a major hindrance to the overall story. It seemed like you struggled a lot with the way you worded things. At some points in the story, there were parts that I had to read multiple times before I understood what you were trying to say. These kinds of issues can screw up stories with even the greatest plots. In this section, I’m going to try to give you some tips in making sentences flow better and help them make sense.

Quote:
What Blaise did when battling was practically the reverse of what he could do now. Whist Blaise, when battling, was in his element, and could practically control the outcome, Blaise, when dealing with those that lost to his battling prowess, was like a ragdoll, unable to do anything. He was strong enough that he was capable of taking those beatings and being able to walk afterwards, but the spectacle was something out of hand for the teachers. They never saw who did it, Blaise was shoved on the ground face-down before he could tell who did it, and the students that did ran off before they could.
I’m going to take this sample sentence by sentence.

First sentence: The main issue here is the “now”. It’s confusing because not only is the “now” not explained, it’s also confusing because until the “now”, the sentence is written in past tense. Before you use words such as “there”, “here”, “then”, and “now”; you have to explain to the reader where the character is at that moment. It’s the same concept as using “he”, “she”, and “it”. If you were to start out the story referring to your character as “he”, then the reader wouldn’t know who you’re talking about. Another thing is that I would recommend that you try not to be dependent on to-be verbs (am, are, was, were, have, has, had, did, etc…). These can be another big cause of awkward sentences. All this in mind, the first sentence would look something like this…

- The way Blaise acted when he battled was practically reversed of how he acted outside of battle.

I talked about the second sentence earlier so I’ll move on.

Third Sentence: This is one of the sentences that confused me at first. I assume that you intended on alluding to the beatings in the second sentence, however I didn’t really come to that conclusion when I read it. Allusion is a hard thing to judge seeing as how different people take different information in different ways, so I won’t say that this is wrong. In my own opinion, there needed to be another sentence that introduced the beatings in a more direct fashion. You mentioned that he was weak, but you never hinted that the opposing battler actually beat him until you say “those beatings” as if it had already been introduced. Also, the “out of hand for the teachers” part should be “out of the teacher’s control”.

Fourth Sentence: This sentence is one in which too much was crammed into one sentence. In this case, it makes sense to spread out the information a bit in order to introduce the new information in a less-intimidating way.

- Neither Blaise, nor the teachers could tell who had committed the crime. Blaise was shoved on the ground, face-down, before he could tell who did it, and the students who did, ran off before the teachers could catch them.

Detail/Description [Great]:
One of the strengths of this story is the level of description. I felt as though I could clearly process and imagine each character and scene as if I were watching a movie, rather than reading a story. This is what writers should strive for when writing, and I believe you achieved that in this story.

There were a few points where the descriptions were kind of “listy”. By that I mean, “Jonny had blue eyes, brown hair, glasses, a baseball cap, sandals, a red shirt, jeans with holes in them, and a nose ring.” In the future, try revealing things about the character as the story progresses, rather than breaking the flow by inserting a list of adjectives. The above could be changed to something like, “The glasses that Jonny wore hid his bright, sapphire eyes. His brown hair was gently disturbed by a light breeze which cascaded over the valley as he walked along the dirt path….” In addition to describing the character, it also gives you a chance to describe the setting, and really whatever you want in a way that flows nicely.

There was one last thing that I’d like to recommend to you in future stories. Try not to use too many similes. There were parts where it seemed like everything being described was being described by using similes. A few every once in a while is great, as it adds diversity to the story. However, when you use too many, it becomes repetitive and it loses its appeal.

Battle [Borderline]:
Your battle had some good aspects and some not so good ones.

The positives were that you described the moves excellently. You didn’t just say “Togepi used Sweet Kiss and it made Sandile confused”. You described the execution of the move like you would have imagined it. Additionally, you used interesting moves such as Sweet Kiss and Metronome.

The one negative thing was that the battle was largely one-sided. The fact that a Togepi swept a Sandile without receiving a single hit was definitely unbelievable. Sandile is a powerful opponent compared to Togepi so I would have liked to see a more elaborate battle. In the future, try to make the battle seem less one-sided by at least letting each side get an attack in. The more suspense you can build within the battle, the better. :P

Length [Great]:
Microsoft Word actually counted 16,022 characters (since we do include spaces). This is a perfect length for a Medium Pokemon such as Sandile.

The Final Verdict:
Hopefully this grade was helpful to you and not just a long lecture. The only reason I was so hard in the grammar sections was because that was honestly the only flaw of the story. Once you get that down, your stories will be excellent. The more stories you write, the more natural your writing will become. Without further ado… Sandile Captured.

If you have any questions concerning your grade, feel free to PM me and I'll do my best to answer them. :)
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  #4  
Old 08-24-2011, 01:21 AM
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Default Re: Starting the Blaise (Chapter 2, Under construction)

Chapter 2

The ball settled down. Blaise did it.

Leonard ran through his small, brown goatee. The possible prodigy was already looking quite good. Anything Pokemon related, and he could do it as good as Alder, or Cynthia, or Hilbert. Or himself. He giggled inwardly at the last one.

Looking briefly in the mirror, Leonard caught the sights of himself, a seventeen-year old, worn from the three years of hell he had to endure when he was younger, with his beret, his infamous beret, a cyclone with non-symmetric indigo and silver, on top of the large spikes that was part of the Togekiss Bunches that he's had since twelve. The greasy hair was probably the toughest grease in the world, able to take on a 24 hour shower-a-thon in the world's most powerful waterfall, and still be there. The eyes of hazel were powerful, and Leonard had to admire how much his moustache had grown, even if there wasn't a middle. He also liked his goatee.

He was wearing a green, sleeveless sport shirt, two skintight black gloves, and short jeans, mainly because he dwelled in Undella Town. He had worn his black-and-blue sneakers only because he was going to Straiton, where it was still pretty cold.

He suddenly remembered to stop admiring his reflection, and check to see the damage. He quickly went to the front of the hood.

It was already bad. There was a big hole in the front. "Don't tell me..." He said as he opened the hood.

"HOLY DRILBUR!" He yelled. No less than five very mean-looking Sandile were making a meal of his car. Every one focused their attention on him the instant he saw the sight.

Leonard pulled out the Ultra Ball containing Scyez, and whipped it out. The madwoman-of-a-Lucario appeared with a flash of light, noticing the trouble now jumping out of his master's car, giggling.

Aura Sphere time. Scyez conjured a large blue orb, from which smaller spheres went flying from. Leonard taught her well. At this point, she knew what to do, no help required. The Sandile, unable to do anything to avoid a super-effective, never-miss attack like Aura Sphere, were hit dead-on, fainting on impact.

Leonard now ran to the hood, checking the damage. This car was beyond repair; everything that could be damaged without letting Leonard notice during a prolonged stay was damaged.

Blaise watched the whole time with absolute confusion and awe, when the Lucario came and took out all five Sandile with little fuss. However, he immediately decided to act when somebody important came walking over.

"Hey, Leonard! Someone's coming over!" Blaise said.

"Oh, thank Arceus!" Leonard proclaimed, looking at someone that could have been a lawyer.

"Good day, sir." The man said, holding his hand out. "You're Leonard Avalon Zyxino, I presume? I see you've been rather unfortunate..." He added, looking at his car.

"That's being optimistic." Leonard said. "And yes, I am Leonard Avalon Zyxino."

"In comparison to what I came here to talk to you about, than saying ‘it’s a total wreck’ is being optimistic." The man said. "I'm Barlow Gantrius, I am a lawyer, and I deal mostly with Wills...I think you know what that means."

"It means you'll airlift me to some city and tell me who died, right?" Leonard asked, nearly sarcastic.

"I won't be airlifting you, but Casteila is within walking range. However, that isn't important. You may be interested to know that those same Sandile may have been the killers of a certain...Hilbert Ivy." Barlow said, grimly.

The silence was enough to cut the Sandstorm short. Blaise's eyes widened with shock, and Leonard's jaw dropped.

".......You've got to be kidding me." said Leonard. "Hilbert's the finest trainer I've ever known, better than everybody else." he added. "Dying from Sandile attack? I can't see it."

"Neither can I, Leonard, neither can I...Follow me. This sandstorm is an irritation." Barlow said, gesturing to the gate back to Castelia.

...

An hour later, Leonard and Blaise were in a room suiting for interrogation, along with Hilbert's mother, Hilda Ivy (Hilbert's 12-year old younger sibling), Cheren Halas (Hilbert's best friend) and his four-year old daughter, Bianca Redwood (A new Pokemon Professor and another of Hilbert's friends) and her four-year old daughter, and Nate Harmonia (Hilbert's greatest rival).

Leonard looked slightly sad, but mostly furious. Hilbert was a great man; he donated to charity, was famous for his near-limitless generosity, and had about sixty years more of a lifetime of training his loyal Pokemon friends. The thought that any scum could kill such an innocent man who had never angered anybody, and who was one of the world’s best Pokemon Masters, was impossible...until today. Torn to pieces by five hit-Sandile, though, was still insanely unlikely.

Cheren was thinking likewise, Leonard could tell. However, he was more calm about it. Only his eyes showed fury. Everything else Cheren did was to console Hilda and Nate, who were crying softly. Bianca was on the verge of tears too, and Hilbert's mom was the only one there who felt sorrow without tears. The two young daughters didn't know what was going on or why everybody was acting so serious, but they remained silent.

Blaise watched the scene. Normally, he'd bombard everybody here with question after question, but the seriousness of the situation had shut him up. That, and the confines of the room made him feel just a tinge nervous...As if something was right behind him...

Then Barlow came, holding what could easily be identified as the Will. Hilbert knew that his travels could be fatal. He told Leonard personally. That's why he wrote one. Barlow sat down at the only seat that wasn't occupied, putting the Will for all to see in the middle. He then took out five belts, each with a different amount of Pokemon.

"The last will and testimony of Hilbert Ivy..." Barlow began. "To Ms. Hilda Ivy, Mr. Cheren Halas, Professor Bianca Redwood, Mr. Nate Harmonia and Mr. Leonard Avalon Zyxino, I present to you all a piece of the group of Pokemon I called friends, so that none go homeless..."

Barlow cleared his throat and continued. "Ms. Hilda Ivy, my younger sister by eight years, I entrust to you my Serperior, my Meganium, my Blaziken, and the Legendary Pokemon Virizion, all of who took a liking to you as much as they did me."

Hilda broke into tears at the mention of this, as a belt with four Pokemon was pushed over to her.

"Mr. Cheren Halas, my friend ever since kindergarten, I entrust you with my Flygon, my Raichu, my Golurk, my Charizard, and the Legendary Pokemon Terrakion, as well as the Adamant Orb, in the hands of the Flygon, in hopes you continue your quest to become a great Pokemon trianer, and that your daughter strives to do likewise."

Cheren broke out a tear too, just one, as a belt with five was handed over.

"Mrs. Bianca Redwood, another friend since an early age, I entrust you with my Klingklang, my Archeops and the Legendary Pokemon Mew, in hopes that they will advance your research, aid you in time of need, and will inspire your daughter."

Bianca burst out sobbing, as a belt with three was put into her arms.

"Mr. Nate Harmonia, I have understood your back story, and I still am inspired to see that you still pursue the ideal to fight against Pokemon injustice. For this, you will be entrusted my Samurott, my Emboar, and the Legendary Pokemon Reshiram, the last of which will be holding the Lustrous orb. May you never cease to right wrongs."

Nate cried even harder, holding out his arms to receive his belt.

"Mr. Leonard Avalon Zyxino..."

Barlow paused. He raised an eyebrow.

"You have lived through what Hell couldn't reproduce. You have become a friend of mine, and you have saved my life on several occasions-and vice versa. I entrust you with my Reclunius, my Haxorus, my Scolipede, my Ferrowthorn, my Typhlosion, and the Legendary Pokemon Coballion, with the Griseous orb being given to Haxorus, wishing you many happy years, and hoping that what was taken from you will come back."

Leonard didn't cry. Not even one tear. His fury against the person (or people) that had done such a monstrosity was high enough to quell sadness. He took the belt he was given-the last one-with dignity.

And he sensed a potential murderer, right behind Blaise.

Leonard always carried a gun, and he was an unbelievably fast draw. He shot straight behind Blaise, hitting his target and revealing him. The two daughters started panicking, hiding behind their parents, and Blaise hided behind Leonard, the last of who had a face filled with lethal malice, staring down at his fallen target like it was a pitiful petty crook.

"Why does it always get complicated?!" He yelled, looking down at who was nothing short of a member of Ghetsis'es Shadow Triad. This one was still alive, the bullet having hit his hip, and footsteps were barely concealed, indicating that the other two were still here.

"What are you doing here?!" He yelled, pointing the pistol straight at his head. "This is a PRIVATE Will reading!"

"...We have our orders..." The triad member said.

The Shadow Triad member vanished, right there. Leonard's hand went right through where he was.

"...The Triad...I know them...They only take orders from one person..." Leonard said, letting the others figure it out.

"...Not my father..." Nate said.

"Hilbert got the Adamant, Lustrous, and Griseous orbs from the Shadow Triad, who had received them from Ghetsis...Ghetsis may have been buying time, just barely managing to reconstruct a new Plasma organization, secretly...And now, he thought that it was high time to collect the orbs..." Leonard said.

"We'll keep them safe. It would be dishonoring Hilbert's memory to let the Shadow Triad have them." Cheren said.

"Do anything in your power to hide them." Leonard said. "Destroy them if you must." He added.

"Now then...After that exciting bout of stuff, we've got to get to Undella Town. I guess flying there by Pokemon will be the way to go..."

"Not so fast. Regardless of our intrusion, There are a few other things that Hilbert had Willed away..." Barlow said. "Hilbert had recently obtained a Larvesta, prior to his death, and he requested strictly in the Will that every Pokemon had a home. However, this Larvesta was not in the Will." said Barlow. "The Will states that Mrs. Holly Ivy would get all of the items unmentioned, henceforth..."

"A Pokemon isn't an item!" Leonard said.

"Sorry for insulting you. All the things unmentioned would go to Holly Ivy. As the Larvesta wasn't given to any of the trainers, and indeed wasn't named in the whole Will, you get this." Barlow said, handing Hilbert's mother a sole PokeBall.

"I can't take the Larvesta. I don't have enough money to support such an exotic Pokemon...And he'd want it to go to a trainer, so that it could grow up..." She said.

"Whatever you do with it is not my concern. You may give it to anybody. That is all." said Barlow. "You may leave."

Everybody walked out of the room, Leonard putting the pistol in it's holster. He was furious.

"Excuse me. Are you a trainer?" Holly asked Blaise.

"Yes." Blaise said.

"Here. I can't support it. Raise it well." Holly said, handing the PokeBall to Blaise.

"Wow! Thanks!" Exclaimed Blaise. Larvesta grew up into Volcarona, and they were tough! And to think that this belonged to Hilbert Ivy...Incredible!

...

Blaise was panicking. And it wasn't because of the Salamance-Shiny Pokemon were awesome, and Salamance were equally awesome. But...

"Don't tell me you've got Vertigo!" Leonard said.

Leonard's plan was to fly there. And Blaise indeed did have Vertigo. Leonard could see it in the eyes: Blaise was terrified of going up-and falling down.

"Vyraz is a very, very good flying Pokemon! He won't let you down!" Leonard pleaded. "I...I could just hoist you up here, because I'm responsible for you, I have to get back to Undella town, you're going, and we don't have a car. I can't pay for a boat, either!" Leonard said, grabbing Blaise, and lifting him up.

"Please no! I can't fly! I'm no flyer!" Blaise said, struggling to get away from Blaise's grip. He loved the ground! He'd rather be chased by rampaging Tauros!

"Pokemon Trainers use fly all the time if they need to go somewhere quickly!" Leonard said.

Tapping into Blaise's natural desire to become a Pokemon Master had gracefully kicked in, shutting him up and making him stable. Leonard put him on his Salamance, while Blaise's fears were still bottled up in his mind.

"Do not take off, be bluffing, do not go up, stay down, down is best, down is best, down is best, up is where you fall to death, don't go up, don't go-"

Blaise lost that battle of impossible odds.

With a roar of pleasure, Vyraz the Salamance took off with the force of a cannon, propelling them off the ground and into the air with tremendous velocity. The wind was rushing past the trio, making Blaise cling even harder to Vyraz's backside, and he was already gripped as though his life depended on having such a hold.

The scenery was beautiful. The city and the water reflected light artistically...Though it was also kind of blinding.

...

It took hours to reach Undella town by flight-and a whole day had they gone on a car. Leonard, now knowing why the Dean said that Blaise only feared heights, suddenly realized that he had to get his car fixed, or force Blaise to do this a lot. Blaise was scared beyond description the whole time. However, when Vyraz touched down on the ground, having stopped completely, Blaise got off and-

"Thankyouthankyou thankyouthankyouthankyou thankyouthankyouthankyeeEEOUCH!" Blaise said, when he started kissing the scorching-hot sand they were on.

"OK, rule nubmer one: Do not touch the sand, 'cause it's burning hot. Fire-Types flee from it into the water 'cause it burns 'em! Ha!" Leonard joked. "...No, seriously, some Fire-Types really do that."

Blaise walked onto the pavement, spitting out the sand.

"Now, with that done, lets go to my house." Leonard said.

"Which one's that? Oh, and do you know Hil-"

"Save it." Leonard said harshly. "It's the reddish two-story." he said, more calm.

Blaise saw it-out of the several one-story houses, there was only one reddish two-story in sight. He walked over, Leonard beside him.

"Sooo...Do you know about the Plasma incident? How do you know about Ghetsis? How did you know-"

Blaise was suddenly lifted off his feat, and was forced to make eye contact with a very-angry looking Leonard.

"Listen very closely, because I'll only tell you this once. Hilbert was a friend of mine, and I do NOT like it that he's gone. You will NOT question me about him, you will NOT question me about Ghetsis, and, as of fact, you will NOT be asking any questions about me or my life so far, because I do NOT want to be reminded of it. Got it?!" Leonard said, already missing Hilbert's departure.

Blaise nodded.

"Good." he said, putting Blaise down.

He walked back with a more furious pace to his abode, while Blaise walked behind him. So curious, yet forbidden! No teacher he ever met was like that! All the questions were burning inside him.

Leonard opened the door, and Blaise was looking at quite the room.

Everywhere, random objects were framed, put on shelves as knickknacks, or other stuff. A flag of unknown origin, torn in three, was framed over a couch; several spears with a indigo coloring and an eerie feel to them were stacked up nearby the kitchen; a sword designed and decorated with bronze, metallic, six-pronged gears in mind was put on top of a massive steel crate, glass-covered, between two recliners; anything and everything was placed here. Blaise noticed that half of the stuff here was weapon-based, yet other stuff didn't seem to correlate with it at all.

He wanted to ask, desperately. Leonard knew every story behind all this stuff. But Blaise kept his mouth shut.

"Stay here until I come back. Don't touch anything. Most of it is dangerous." Leonard said.

Blaise obeyed. Leonard walked into another room, out of sight. The instant he left, Blaise realized something: As long as it didn't have anything to do with Leonard's past, he could ask away.

Leonard took about two minutes.

"So...What did you do?" Blaise said, when Leonard came back.

"I hid the Griseous Orb." Leonard said. "Finding it now would be like finding a slither of silver hay in a needlestack-very, very hard, and very, very painful." he described. "Oh, and don't go looking for it. It's suicide, it really is."

"Say...Do you know about the three orbs? Adamant, Lustrous, and Griseous?" Blaise asked.

"The three orbs were created by ancient people in Sinnoh. Each one corresponds to a different part of the creational trio made by Arceus-Dialga has the Adamant, Palkia has the Lustrous, and Giratina has the Griseous." Leonard said "I heard that all three were initially owned by Lucas Platius, but he auctioned them off for much-needed cash. I'm pretty sure Ghetsis either won the three orbs off the auction, or somehow got them from the real winner. After the downfall of Team Plasma, he gave one each to the Shadow Triad to give to Hilbert Ivy, and we know the rest." Leonard commented.

"Did you ever have a-"

"I'm not answering any questions related to possessions either. I've got the Shadow Triad on my hands, and they may want that orb, and even if that's not the case, I'm not a hundred percent sure about what they were hanging around for. Ghetsis doesn't send in the Shadow Triad for just anything." Leonard said sternly.

Darn it. There went asking about if he ever had a Master Ball.
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Old 08-24-2011, 01:25 AM
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Default Re: Starting the Blaise (Ready For Grading.)

Leonard started giving Blaise a tour of the house. He thought it was nice-A kitchen with marble countertops and an island built-in; a living room with some nice couches and recliners and with a computer that could access the Pokemon Storage system, a HDTV, a Wii, and an XBOX 360; a enclosed back porch with a nice swimming pool and hot tub, leading to a dock where Leonard's large boat and Jet-Ski happened to be; a small tavern and billiards board in the basement; two bedrooms and two bathrooms, not counting the master bedroom and bathroom; a nice, large yard suiting for Pokemon Battling; and a large garage, suiting for what will be his new car, after he obtains the insurance money.

"...And this is your room." Leonard said, concluding the tour. He excluded his various mementos, making the bedroom so that it would seem less odd to the regular person, who wouldn't make sense of the decor he put in his other rooms. He had a small laptop that also accessed the Pokemon Storage System here.

"Thanks...Say...What kind of Pokemon do you have?" Blaise asked.

Leonard blinked. It was an obvious question, but one he never expected to be asked. And for the record, he had quite a lot of Pokemon.

Viewing them through the Pokemon Boxes were sufficient, but it would be much cooler for someone to see the Pokemon in person.

"I've got quite a lot. You already know the six Hilbert willed over, but I'll get to know them better later, on my own time." Leonard said, slipping the whole belt that contained six of Hilbert's Pokemon in the storage.

He then pulled out one PokeBall from the belt he was already wearing, and threw it. Scyez came out, and immediately noticed Blaise.

"Well this is Scyez. She's kind of insane, but she's safe to touch. Just don't hug her, I don't think you'll survive." said Leonard. Scyez was making funny faces at Blaise. Blaise giggled.

"You've already met Vyraz, but he's me in every kind of manner, save that he's a Salamance…and he’s too big to fit in here." Leonard said, pulling out another PokeBall and throwing it. A Zororak came out.

"He's Iiluz. He doesn't speak much, but he's really friendly." Leonard said, as he stared Blaise down with unthreatening eyes. "Been mine ever since he was a Zoura." Leonard added, taking out another PokeBall.

With a flash of light, a Volcarona appeared, wings ablaze. She took little notice of Blaise, and instead focused on her master. "This Volcarona is Eclipse. She won't take much notice to you, she only likes me." Leonard said, pulling out the last PokeBall.

A Jolteon appeared. She sat down obediently, smiling, wagging the tail she somehow obtained.

"She's Spark. Nice, obedient, a sweetie, and she has a tail. She knew Iron Tail, so I guess that triggers tail growth."

"Zour! Zour! Zourrra!"

A small Zoura, unnoticed by anybody until right then, trotted in, confused by all the commotion.

"Oh, forgot I let him out." Leonard said. Iiluz's gaze was suddenly stuck to the Zoura, and didn't stay away, as it hopped onto the bed. "That Zoura doesn't like me much, always nips my fingers, but otherwise, he's nice."

The Zoura immediately took notice of Blaise, and wagged it's tail.

There was a small period when Blaise and the Zoura wouldn't take their gaze off the other, and Iiluz and Leonard stared at either Blaise or the Zoura, moving their heads in unison, in a manner that could have been considered comical. At last, Blaise looked at Leonard.

"Can I have him?" Blaise said.

Leonard rubbed his fingers through his goatee. Blaise was an excellent trainer, or at least an excellent trainer prodigy, and it took no genius to say that Iiluz's son took far more of a liking to Blaise than he did to Leonard. On the other hand, it wouldn't help to give him a Pokemon. Blaise had to learn how to get a Pokemon on his own. Blaise wanted him, and Leonard liked it that the Zoura already took a liking to Blaise. But having four Pokemon to start training with was a bit of a strain...

"Alright, but you care for him, OK? Not me." Leonard said. "Like anything else you capture, it's your responsibility." Leonard said.

The Zoura made a highly accurate illusion to make himself look Like Blaise, and hugged him. Blaise was a little shocked by the mirror-like quality of the illusion, but was pleased by Leonard's generosity nevertheless. He'd take good care of it.

...

"So what are we gonna do now?" Blaise asked.

They were in a small patch of tall grass. It was where weak Pokemon dwelled, so it probably wouldn't be any matter to such a good trainer like Blaise.

"You have never encountered a Pokemon battle with wild Pokemon before, right? In it's natural habitat, territorial defenses on, you have never faced off against one wild Pokemon. Correct?" Leonard said.

"Yes..." Blaise said.

"Wonderful. Well, then, I'll leave you to it!" Leonard said with a grin.

"Huh?"

"You'll train here, on your own, as you see fit. You will fight or flee from whatever Pokemon you think you should fight against or flee from. You'll fight as many or as few Pokemon as you wish. You may capture them or not. It is entierly up to you how you approach this situation." Leonard said, laying down the basic rules. "In the grass, you'll find Sandshrew, but I won't say another word about anything else that may lay in there." he added. "There's a bag of medical supplies right there, for reviving unconsious Pokemon, healing them, but it's not unlimited, so don't waste it all." commented Leonard. "I'll save your skin if you're in too deep, but I doubt that you will wind up that desprate."

"...Anything else?" Blaise queried.

"Yhea. If I'm asleep, and you want to leave, wake me up. I'm doubtful you'll be able to battle for as long as I'll let you, but if I'm asleep and it hits sunset, wake me up too." Leonard said.

Blaise was quite confused. This was the most lazze-fair style teacher he ever met. However, trainers trained against Wild Pokemon...

He entered the grass running, eager to face off against whatever Pokemon came his way. With a party of four, all ready to fight on, when would there be a problem? He stirred up the grass, revealing Poochyana, Shelmet, Buizel, Sandshrew, and even an Audino, and Blaise would take them all on, no regrets! He'd get stronger! He'd be the best!

...

"Wake up wake up wake up wake up!"

"...Uuugh...urgh!"

Leonard opened his eyes. It was sunset.

Leonard quickly was puzzled by the passage of time. Did Blaise really try to fight for that long?

He looked to the medical bag. There were several potions and elixers missing, but the Revives remained untouched. He couldn't have...

There was a Pokemon right next to Blaise-a Togetic. It evolved? Blaise may have never had contact with that Togetic prior to today, and it had become that close to him in hours?!

The Sandile, Zoura and Larvesta were all still unevolved (thouth Barlow didn't tell anybody the Larvesta was shiny, of all things), but now a Buizel had joined the party. They all looked tougher than when he last saw them (though he never saw the Larvesta before).

Leonard considered nothing impossible, and impossible nothing, but he swore that the 00.000001% chance for Blaise to show that much improvement in meer hours was going to be a missed one, but now, hell to that.

Was it improvement at all? Or was Blaise just too talented for this?

...

"So...Let me wrap up the reason behind your failure to hold them hostage..." Ghetsis said calmly.

"You were present at the room when Holly Ivy and Hilda Ivy were there, the first two, and waited as everybody was filled in. But, to your suprise, the last one in was a certian...Leonard Avalon Zyxino. He, the angriest there, and who just so happened to be armed, sensed your presence and shot one of you in the hip, fracturing the bone. You barely got away from him and the rest. However, you stayed long enough to know who got what, including the orbs. You also managed to witness Cheren said something about going to the mountains, my putrid son flying off on Reshiram, heading north, and Leonard had flown off on his Salamance, saying that they had to get to Undella Town. It is also noted that Leonard had a young kid there, obviously afraid of heights." Ghetsis said, summarizing the failure and important observations.

"Is there anything that I have overlooked, anything I misinterpreted, anything I mistook?" Ghetsis asked.

"No. Your version of the story is perfect. That is what has happened." The Shadow Triad said in perfect unison. "We are ready to receive punishment."

"It is not needed. Leonard was an unexpected complication, and even in blinding fury, his abilities far exceeded your own." Ghetsis said. The triad slightly loosened themselves, but not enough to make a fuss over. "However, it is apparent that Hilbert has willed them away to the three people that he knew could guard them better than any other: Cheren, my son, and Leonard." Ghetsis commented. "Cheren has proven to be able to have been quite the railroad spike in his youth, even so far as to possibly disallow my freedom by yourselves, and has taken the title of Unovan Champion in Hilbert's absense. He is determined, a very strong trainer in every aspect, and is now in the ownership of the Legendary Pokemon Terrakion; my son owns both Reshiram and Zekrom, meaning he can travel extremely long distances extremely fast, and does have the support of the Unovan populance as a whole, not to mention he is also beyond dangerous, as even without the twin dragons, he is still a maddingly strong trainer with access to Pokemon that even I wouldn't cross. However, compared to Cheren and my son, Leonard is still the larger threat. He has access to the Legendary Pokemon Coballion, he is in contact with some of the most dangerous people of all time, he is still impossibly powerful, is a master of hand-to-hand combat, is proficiant with most weapons, has great coordination with his Pokemon, and has the ability to influence people to my level." Ghetsis warned.

"Of course, you won't be fighting them directly. Stealth is your best suite, and it is ridiculous to get into a battle with one of them. Even if they are on high alert with the orbs, they still have weaknesses, all of them, and they are easily exploited. You will have access to whatever resource I can allow." Ghetsis said, deciding that they'd need more than what they had right now.

"We thank you for your generosity." The Triad said, still not missing a beat.

"Yes, yes...However, I will not tolerate another total failure to retrieve the orbs again. We need all three, but come back here without so much as one, and you will not find me so easy." Ghetsis said. "Even if ahead of scedual, we must refrain from taking our time whenever possible. We only have so many days, so it is a total failure if you cannot retrieve all three orbs before the third week of August, around when school starts." Ghetsis reminded.

"Of course, master." The Triad said. "We will retrieve the orbs, or we will face our punishment without hesitation."

"It is settled. For Neo Plasma!" Ghetsis said. The Triad vanished.

Ghetsis wasn't entierly sure that they'd get the Griseous Orb from Leonard on their own-Cheren and N had their own measures, easily breached. If Leonard hid something, however, the objects in question were either never found by another living soul, or the people searching for them were never found by another living soul.

But even Leonard would fall to the right bait...No, that didn't work last time. The last time, he had used Nate to lure Leonard out of his recluse, but Leonard already knew his ambitions, and like anything else, he was a step ahead...Leonard was the true puppetmaster behind the battle of Plasma Castle, if anything. It was actually beneficial that Hilbert foiled him, for Hilbert unwittingly saved his life...Irony, that Hilbert saved his life, and he repayed the debit by first attacking him, then making him a disposable bank. He would have laughed if he wasn't so angry at the occasion...His whole plan was rigged by that witty-yet-rowdy terrorist the instant his first desicion was to focus on derailing his potential efforts. Irony again, but he wasn't pleased by it. He seethed in rage. But he was untouchable. Had it been Leonard that summoned Reshiram, he would have fled outright.

But Leonard did not, it was Hilbert. Hilbert was a part of his plan ever since he heard of his son swearing that he saw a Snivy like a Trainer named Hilbert, but only as the backup should Nate fail-and he did. But he forgot his plan when N lost the battle of the twin Dragons, in the furious, all consuming wrath he was Intoxicated under, like if he drank too much red wine-

...That time, before Team Plasma started out, when he and Leonard were in close contact, and he had been intoxicated on red wine when he walked into a part of the unfinished castle. He barely remembered it! Did he tell Leonard his plans then?! Did he tell Leonard anything that was supposed to be under the wraps of his mind?!

"Triad, I must ask one more thing of you."

The Triad instantly reassembled in the room, appearing out of nowhere.

"My lord, how may we be of assistance?" The triad said in total harmony.

"Keep a special eye out on Leonard, even when you get the Griseous orb from him. If he goes anywhere, tell me at once."

"As you wish, Ghetsis." The triad said before departing.
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Old 08-24-2011, 01:29 AM
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Default Re: Starting the Blaise (Chapter 2, Ready for Grading)

Ready for Grading! I think the character total is over the 30000 mark needed for a Zoura, which I am aiming for.
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Old 09-17-2011, 03:46 AM
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Default Re: Starting the Blaise (Chapter 2, Ready for Grading)

claimed cause i like zorua
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Old 12-02-2011, 07:04 PM
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Default Re: Starting the Blaise (Chapter 2, Ready for Grading)

unclaiming b/c I don't know when I'll be able to sit down and just grade anymore.
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Old 12-22-2011, 08:58 PM
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Default Re: Starting the Blaise (Chapter 2, Ready for Grading)

Thought this had already been claimed. I'll take it.
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Old 12-25-2011, 11:17 PM
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Default Re: Starting the Blaise (Chapter 2, Ready for Grading)

Introduction:

Seeing as how this is a chapter series, I liked how you started things off with some good information about the main character. Beyond doing the mundane, generic detail, you had additional stuff and you varied the words.

Quote:
The greasy hair was probably the toughest grease in the world, able to take on a 24 hour shower-a-thon in the world's most powerful waterfall, and still be there. The eyes of hazel were powerful, and Leonard had to admire how much his moustache had grown, even if there wasn't a middle. He also liked his goatee.
This part of the second paragraph really jumped out at me because of the language you used. The waterfall provides a really good contrast of what you are trying to portray, and the part about the eyes speaks about the strong personality of Blaise.

Beyond that, the introduction wasn’t particularly exciting, but you did manage to keep my attention by going into the next part about the mean Sandile. But that excitement about the first battle was negated as it was too short to provide much of an interest seeing as how they were Ko’ed by one attack.

By just extending the battle by perhaps a move or two, or by providing some emotionally aspect it would have been a good hook. The reader would have been drawn in, but as it is, I would say the interest is resting around the average level. Which is okay, but since this is a complex rank you’ll want to step things up.

Now, the one thing that bothered me about the introduction is lack of scenic details. What I mean by this is that I do not know where the characters are. You open up with a mirror, which are usually indoors, but then move onto the car, which is outdoors. However, based on the car I can only guess the introduction is taking place outside, but you never clarify, nor do you provide any description of what this ‘scene’ looks like. The reader only has the car to provide the first image, and that is definitely not good,, especially for complex rank. You want a solid opening scene so that the reader has context of where everything is taking place, from there you can expand out with the other details.

The next thing that needs to be discussed is if you balanced the new chapter with that of the old one. This is very important because a previous chapter usually provides critical information that can be missing in a later installment. Although I was expecting the first chapter to play a role in this one, it really wasn’t so. This chapter felt like a standalone tale with the same characters. While I didn’t read the first chapter, the only thing that struck me as connecting to the first one were the opening sentence, and what Blaise looked like. Why Blaise is a concern I’ll address later on, you did pretty well. You have no problems here, so good job.

Plot:

Overall a decent enough layout for a complex mon. You had a few problems with structure and some other minor issues, but it was strong enough.

Okay, what I like specifically about this story is that you have the emotions and characters of people down. Even without the color-coded for dialogue, I felt it was easy to identify each person through the words chosen for each character. This adds depth and personality to characters and that is a must for stories of the complex rank.

Now, let’s explore the meat of the plot. To be honest, you have a very simple layout with some ‘special features’ thrown in to make the story more interesting. The layout goes something like this:

Main characters start out in a scene from the previous chapter, go to a will reading, someone gets shot during the reading, the pair head home, Blaise trains, team Plasma get revealed.

A layout so simple that I was a tad surprised that you managed to get the length needed, because I was surprised when the story ended because it felt so incomplete. What I’m getting as is that there was no real conclusion to the story. The story is clearly about the orbs, but you end the story not with something about the orbs, but by team plasma having a meeting. The meeting was about the orbs, but they seemed to haven taken a back seat as the focus switched more to Leonard. The fate and locations of the orbs were kept from the reader, and it’s not clear what the next step in the story would be. In short, the story felt like you ended it at a bad spot, not enough things were explained or solved to warrant an ending outside of the needed length. This is a shame because I felt the story had merit and potential. The solution to this problem is simple, pick a better ending.

Which bring me to my next point about the ending. A story usually ends because of a few things: a cliff hanger, and a solution. This story contained neither of these factors and really left a bad taste in my mouth. One reason, as I already alluded to, is that the ending didn’t make too much sense as a stopping point. The next two things are these: the POV switch, and the flood of information.

Both of those are tied together, so let’s start with the POV switch. POV means point of view. Up until the end of the story, the entire tale is told through the eyes of Leonard and Blaise. These are the most important characters in the story so that is understandable. But the ending switches to that of Team Plasma, who only just appeared and only for a brief instance. While it seems that they intend to be a big part of the story for later installments, it felt odd because it was only one part of the story and at the very end. Now, what you did isn’t wrong, but it goes against the motif of the story and feels akin to a speed bumb on freeway.

Which provides an excellent transition to the next part.

Quote:
But even Leonard would fall to the right bait...No, that didn't work last time. The last time, he had used Nate to lure Leonard out of his recluse, but Leonard already knew his ambitions, and like anything else, he was a step ahead...Leonard was the true puppetmaster behind the battle of Plasma Castle, if anything. [It was actually beneficial that Hilbert foiled him, for Hilbert unwittingly saved his life]...[Irony, that Hilbert saved his life, and he repaid the debit by first attacking him, then making him a disposable bank. He would have laughed if he wasn't so angry at the occasion]...His whole plan was rigged by that witty-yet-rowdy terrorist the instant his first decision was to focus on derailing his potential efforts. Irony again, but he wasn't pleased by it. He seethed in rage. But he was untouchable. [Had it been Leonard that summoned Reshiram, he would have fled outright.]

But Leonard did not, it was Hilbert. [Hilbert was a part of his plan ever since he heard of his son swearing that he saw a Snivy like a Trainer named Hilbert, but only as the backup should Nate fail-and he did]. [But he forgot his plan when N lost the battle of the twin Dragons, in the furious, all consuming wrath he was Intoxicated under, like if he drank too much red wine-]

...That time, before Team Plasma started out, when he and Leonard were in close contact, and he had been intoxicated on red wine when he walked into a part of the unfinished castle. He barely remembered it! Did he tell Leonard his plans then?! Did he tell Leonard anything that was supposed to be under the wraps of his mind?!
Not only did you just surprise the reader with all this text, it doesn’t have any real bearing on the outcome of the story, and much of it doesn’t make sense. For instance, in the first set of brackets, I find that section confusing because the subject isn’t immediately clear. Did Hilbert foil Leonard or the Plasma leader? Maybe it’s just me, but as I read those sentences I become even more confused because I know not of the events you are talking about, nor am I sure of what you are even trying to say. Besides that, all this was an information dump. As I said before, it felt like a block of useless text. If it had been removed from the story I feel that it wouldn’t have been missed one bit. But if you want to keep the text I think it would work best if you actually spaced all the information throughout the story. A good spot is when Plasma first appears and Leonard can explain to Blaise some of the past events. The big benefit of using that approach is that the reader is gradually introduced to the information and they process the information easier.

The next part, and final, part I want to talk about concerning the structure of the story is also at the end. While it is actually two sections, I’m going to be calling them one. One of the parts in question is when Leonard take Blaise to go do some training.

Quote:
["You have never encountered a Pokemon battle with wild Pokemon before, right?] In it's natural habitat, territorial defenses on, you have never faced off against one wild Pokemon. Correct?" Leonard said.
Two problems here. The first part is in the bracket section. It looks as is you’re missing a word because you are talking about two different things here. A Pokemon encounter and a Pokemon battle, but those are crammed into one awkward sentence. The second part is that the sentence outside the first is almost a mirror image of the other. The second sentence is just redundant of the first. The solution is to simply delete one of the sentences or reword both.

The next part is that the battle section also felt out of tune with the rest of the story. Once again it didn’t fit the motif of the story because it really made no sense being there. The only reason I can see it being there is that you wanted Blaise to be training, but you could have done something different, like a battle. But instead you just have him go in a field and come out with tougher and some new Pokemon. Not only is it unrealistic Pokemon wise, it is just filler text because it had no bearing on the story again. Even the Zorua isn’t mentioned! The unrealistic part is how tough the Pokemon became and that Togepi evolved into Togetic in the same day. This is a Pokemon world, that means you have to follow the Pokemon rules. A Pokemon that needs to bond with a trainer doesn’t do so in one day with a very good reason to do so.

Here’s something that bugged me as I was reading:

Quote:
"The last will and testimony of Hilbert Ivy..." Barlow began. "To Ms. Hilda Ivy, Mr. Cheren Halas, Professor Bianca Redwood, Mr. Nate Harmonia and Mr. Leonard Avalon Zyxino, I present to you all a piece of the group of Pokemon I called friends, so that none go homeless..."

Barlow cleared his throat and continued. "Ms. Hilda Ivy, my younger sister by eight years, I entrust to you my Serperior, my Meganium, my Blaziken, and the Legendary Pokemon Virizion, all of who took a liking to you as much as they did me."

Hilda broke into tears at the mention of this, as a belt with four Pokemon was pushed over to her.

"Mr. Cheren Halas, my friend ever since kindergarten, I entrust you with my Flygon, my Raichu, my Golurk, my Charizard, and the Legendary Pokemon Terrakion, as well as the Adamant Orb, in the hands of the Flygon, in hopes you continue your quest to become a great Pokemon trianer, and that your daughter strives to do likewise."

Cheren broke out a tear too, just one, as a belt with five was handed over.

"Mrs. Bianca Redwood, another friend since an early age, I entrust you with my Klingklang, my Archeops and the Legendary Pokemon Mew, in hopes that they will advance your research, aid you in time of need, and will inspire your daughter."

Bianca burst out sobbing, as a belt with three was put into her arms.

"Mr. Nate Harmonia, I have understood your back story, and I still am inspired to see that you still pursue the ideal to fight against Pokemon injustice. For this, you will be entrusted my Samurott, my Emboar, and the Legendary Pokemon Reshiram, the last of which will be holding the Lustrous orb. May you never cease to right wrongs."

Nate cried even harder, holding out his arms to receive his belt.
I understand that you were trying to convey the emotionally aspect of the touching moment, but you did the crying too many times. While you did vary the language (using tears, cried, and sobbing), that wasn’t enough because it was the same thing repeatedly. A solution would to just remove the teary part. You already had a paragraph before highlighting the emotion, so you don’t need another.

That’s all I have to say about this section. While it was decent, you still have some problems that you would have to address if you choose to write more chapters or different stories.

Grammar:

Decent grammar overall. You had a few consistent errors which I pointed out below. Some problems were you spacing, and mis-capitalization. But the biggest problem in the story was that you attempted to have a lot of information in long sentences. While not incorrect, it is quite ugly to look at. I’m not going to mark you off much for these errors, but for your next story I would not like to see them.

Quote:
Leonard pulled out the Ultra Ball containing Scyez, and whipped it out. The madwoman-of-a-Lucario appeared with a flash of light, noticing the trouble now jumping out of [his] master's car, giggling.
- This should be ‘her’.

Quote:
"HOLY DRILBUR!" [H]e yelled. No less than five very mean-looking Sandile were making a meal of his car.
- This doesn’t get capitalized. I spotted a few errors like this. You only use caps in speech dialogue in a few instances. But in this case, by using ‘yelled’ you are continuing the sentence, whereas a period ends it.

Quote:
Torn to pieces by five hit-Sandile, though, was still insanely unlikely.
- This may be just me, but I don’t get what you are trying to say in this sentence, specifically the ‘hit’ part is what throws me off.

Quote:
Blaise watched the scene. Normally, he'd bombard everybody here with question after question, but the seriousness of the situation had shut him up. That, and the confines of the room made him feel just a tinge nervous[...][Space]As if something was right behind him...
- Minor problem here, but I felt by using the ‘...’ repeatedly you took away the connotation that goes with it. For lack of a better word on my part, connotation in this instance refers to the sense or emotion behind the usage. I think you are using it to create an air of suspense, but by using it so close, you actually dampen that. You also need a space after this too.

Quote:
Then Barlow came, holding what could easily be identified as the [W]ill.
- You don’t need to capitalize ‘will’.

Quote:
"Do anything in your power to hide them." Leonard said. "Destroy them if you must." He added.

"Now then...After that exciting bout of stuff, we've got to get to Undella Town. I guess flying there by Pokemon will be the way to go..."
- I see you are using color to represent each person speaking, so that may have been why you spaced this. However, the spacing is not needed.

Quote:
"Pokemon Trainers use [fly] all the time if they need to go somewhere quickly!" Leonard said.
- Fly needs to be capitalized because you are using it as the Pokemon attack, and all things Pokemon get caps.

Quote:
"Do not take off, be bluffing[,] do not go up, stay down, down is best, down is best, down is best[,] up is where you fall to death, don't go up, don't go-"
- Change these to periods instead of commas, otherwise it’s a comma splice.

Quote:
It took hours to reach Undella town by flight[-][and] a whole day had they gone on a car.
Take away the space and just put a comma, furthermore, the and is not needed and can be removed.

Quote:
Blaise was suddenly lifted off his [feat], and was forced to make eye contact with a very-angry looking Leonard.
- Wrong word, read through your stuff carefully because I spotted a couple of words like this (and also misspelled).


Quote:
"The three orbs were created by ancient people in Sinnoh. Each one corresponds to a different part of the creational trio made by Arceus[-]Dialga has the Adamant, Palkia has the Lustrous, and Giratina has the Griseous."
- You really need spaces around this, you neglected spacing repeatedly and that annoyed me.

Here’s an example of a long sentence.

Quote:
Mr. Cheren Halas, my friend ever since kindergarten,[] I entrust you with my Flygon, my Raichu, my Golurk, my Charizard, and the Legendary Pokemon Terrakion[,] as well as the Adamant Orb[, in the hands of the Flygon,] in hopes you continue your quest to become a great Pokemon trianer, and that your daughter strives to do likewise."
Where I put the brackets those could have been periods. By using periods you make the paragraph look more clean and in some cases it can clarify what you are trying to portray. An example in this sentence are the brackets around the Flygon part, because I can’t tell if you are trying to say Flygon hold the orb or something else. You a few of these throughout, and a couple in this section of the story. Try to remember that you don’t need long sentence to make a point.

Detail:

You had some problems here. You were only missing a few things concerning detail: environment, Pokemon detail, and Blaise description. I already talked about the environment in the introduction, so I will not beat a dead horse. But, I was disappointed about the lack of detail on Blaise. The reader was never told what he looked like, and that is annoying considering the role he played in the story.

You already know what needs to be done, because you did perfectly fine or Leonard. You just need to do the same for Blaise. This same thing applies to others in the story. You never told the reader what anyone else looked like. My general rule of thumb is that if anyone has more than a passing sentence, you need you to have detail on them. I don’t mean detail like Leonard received, just a simple sentence or two. This was especially need for Hilda Ivy, Cheren Halas, and Bianca Redwood are prime examples. Not to mention the Plasma leader.

As for environment, besides the beginning part, you could have put something in the end of where Plasma was. It would have created a good setting for the ominous tone, and because it provides context.

To be continued...
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Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 12-25-2011 at 11:19 PM.
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Old 12-25-2011, 11:21 PM
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Default Re: Starting the Blaise (Chapter 2, Ready for Grading)

Now the final thing I have to harp on. You always have to describe Pokemon. Doesn’t matter how much, but this is a must with no exceptions. you can vary the amount based on how much the Pokemon is seen, but you have to have it. Let’s give an example of where some was needed and what you need to do:

Quote:
The madwoman-of-a-Lucario appeared with a flash of light, noticing the trouble now jumping out of his master's car, giggling.
Quote:
Originally Posted by me
The madwoman-of-a-Lucario appeared with a flash of light, noticing the trouble now jumping out of his master's car, giggling. But the giggling was short lived when she realized the danger her master was in. The fox-like Pokemon bared her fangs and brought her dark paws un in a fighting stance. The black striped Sandile stared at the newcomer and rushed her. The blue warrior whirled out of the way and brought the spike on her right hand right across the snout of one of the wild Pokemon.
I worked a few details of the Sandile and Lucario into that sentence based on how much I felt appropriate and how much I could get away with, without it appearing like an info dump. Obviously the manner and the extent in which you add detail is up to you, but you do need something.

Now, I have to example below of what I liked about what detail you did use in the story. Both are good in their own right and would work well if you paid the same amount of attention to the spots I mentioned.

Quote:
Looking briefly in the mirror, Leonard caught the sights of himself, a seventeen-year old, worn from the three years of hell he had to endure when he was younger, with his beret, his infamous beret, a cyclone with non-symmetric indigo and silver, on top of the large spikes that was part of the Togekiss Bunches that he's had since twelve. The greasy hair was probably the toughest grease in the world, able to take on a 24 hour shower-a-thon in the world's most powerful waterfall, and still be there. The eyes of hazel were powerful, and Leonard had to admire how much his moustache had grown, even if there wasn't a middle. He also liked his goatee.
Quote:
Everywhere, random objects were framed, put on shelves as knickknacks, or other stuff. A flag of unknown origin, torn in three, was framed over a couch; several spears with a indigo coloring and an eerie feel to them were stacked up nearby the kitchen; a sword designed and decorated with bronze, metallic, six-pronged gears in mind was put on top of a massive steel crate, glass-covered, between two recliners; anything and everything was placed here. Blaise noticed that half of the stuff here was weapon-based, yet other stuff didn't seem to correlate with it at all.
- I like this paragraph. Tells what the room looks like, but adding a bunch of stuff that gives insight into the life of a character, in this case, Leonard. I do find it funny that he seems to be somewhat of a hoarder or a messy person. You did the same thing for the rest of the house without going into too much detail that could bore the reader.

Length: Scraped by the bottom.


Overall: This story is good enough to pass, but I’m going to say Not Captured. The reason is simple, Zorua wasn’t in the story enough to warrant a capture. If you had picked a hard or below mon I would have given the pup to you, but since this is of the complex rank the Pokemon has to be more involved. So either include more parts with the puppy or add a battle during the training part involving Zorua. And, despite not needed to get the Pokemon, I would like to see some work on parts I mentioned, like detail and grammar. Keep in mind what I said for future stuff and message me for a re-grade.
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