A Political Adventure: Mitt Romney's Pokemon Journey
Okay, this is the first story (but not my first story ever) in my challenge to catch all 600-something Pokemon via URPG stories. Here are the rules I’m giving myself (more may be added later if I need the extra challenge):
1. I have to catch every Pokemon besides legendaries through stories and stories only. Ex: I would need to catch Cleffa, Clefairy, and Clefable separately, I cannot just catch one of them through a story and then evolve it by battling.
2. That also means I need to write a story to catch another Sentret, since that was my starter Pokemon.
I’m doing this not because I’m a masochist, but because I hope people will see my stories and get the urge to write their own. That way the URPG can become active on Pe2k again maybe. Also this story is a comedy not to be taken seriously. I like both political parties for different reasons so this isn’t a hatefest on either candidate. Enjoy.
It was a sunny day in Massachusetts, and Mitt Romney was making last minute preparations for his first journey across the nation. Sure it was a little late to begin catching Pokemon at the tender age of 65, but he wasn’t balding yet and people said he had a youthful glow about his face. Besides, he had been a governor for far too long. It was time for him to become something more for his country, not just a political leader but a role model; someone who could have a real influence on the young people of America. He had to become a Champion.
“Oh Mitt, I just don’t understand why you’re doing this now. Don’t you like your job? What will the state of Massachusetts do without you?” It was his wife Ann, touting a concerned expression and a slight pout. Mitt gave his red satin tie one last tug and turned towards her, contorting his lightly wrinkled features into his default politician face - a smirk with pitying eyes.
“Dear, I know what our country needs right now. It needs someone who can not only be a leader, but also a model of appropriate behavior and religious identity. I can’t have an influence on anyone if I don’t go out there and be someone they can look up to. That’s why I have to do this.” He smiled and gave his wife’s shoulder a pat. She began to yell horrible pseudo-swears at him, but he ignored it, grabbed his briefcase filled with supplies, and left the house.
After closing and locking the front door, Mitt took a deep breath of the New England air. The smell of sweet greenery met his nostrils, and he let out a sigh of contentment. He took a step or two forward until he was off the porch, and glanced at the front lawn. It had been freshly mowed earlier that week, and there was nary a weed growing between the grasses. Yes, the outside world would be nothing like the sanctuary of his yard, where no wild creature dared to place their feet, and no dog would think to defecate. The world outside was not going to baby his aging bottom, no sirree. With that thought in mind, Mitt left his home and entered the world beyond.
So far, things were not as wild as he thought they would be. He had walked down various sidewalks in his neighborhood, but had only managed to come across a few pet Lillipups playing with their owners. On top of that, he was completely lost and very uncomfortable wearing his black suit during the hottest part of the day. As he walked he thought about his reasons for beginning his journey in the first place. Of course he wanted to be a more important figure for the people, and get a couple of young voters on his side, but there was a stronger urge pulling him forward.
The current Champion was a man who went against every moral and political ideal that Romney stood for, a man who in any other country on the planet would be mowing Mitt’s lawn for less than minimum wage. That man was none other than Barrack Obama, a smooth speaking chocolate-skinned liberal with a smile wider than the Atlantic. That smile was what really pissed him off. Mitt gasped at the sinful word he had just thought and made a quick prayer of repentance with his fingers.
Not only was this wide grinning half-breed the Pokemon Champion of the US, but he was also elected as its President! For Mitt, that was the biggest mistake his country had ever made, and he would do anything to set his fellow Americans straight again.
It was then that the 65 year old Republican party member stumbled across a cul-de-sac, with nothing but yellow fields of wheat waving in the wind beyond it. Mitt scrambled forward, almost tripping against the bottom of his trousers, racing towards the field with heaving lungs. There were no houses between the end of the asphalt circle and the field to block him from his goal, but he stopped anyway to catch his breath and stare at the golden expanse before him.
A thousand little nagging thoughts caught him. My shoes will get dirty, my suit will be covered in sticky wheat seeds, it will be filled with bugs and animal droppings. But he knew he had to enter the grass if he was to have any chance of ever beating the current Champion. Gripping the handle of his briefcase tightly, he entered the maze of wheat with hesitant steps.
The grass barely reached above his knees, but it felt like it was clawing at his nose and eyes, both burning from some previously unknown allergy. His shoes squeaked against the dew dampened earth as he traversed the foreign terrain. He was also right about the seeds, as they were adhering themselves to every part of his clothing they came into contact with. For little Mormon Mitt, this was the hell his preachers spoke of.
It was then that he spied a blue speck on the horizon. He forced himself to continue through the seemingly menacing grass, intrigued. As he got closer he realized that it was only a dying pond, a man-made one that had been left to its own devices and was now barely more than a puddle. Mitt sighed and wiped a glistening white hand over his wide forehead. The afternoon sun and the walking had caused him to sweat and he felt an almost desperate thirst.
“I’ll just... sit down for awhile,” he said to himself, and slowly sank until he collapsed on the edge of the pond. The only sounds were his haggard breaths and the distant rustlings of grass and brush. He almost began to doze off when a small splashing sound caused him to jerk his head to the pond. Beneath the shallow water, he could make out a faint red shadow lying across the pond’s bottom.
A Pokemon! he thought, and dove into the water without a second thought. His face crashed into the muddy floor, murky water filling his nose and throat with violent force. He immediately pushed himself back to the surface, spitting and coughing. Mitt rubbed his dripping sleeve across his eyes to get back some semblance of sight, but only further blinded himself with the liquid.
“I’ll get you!” he roared, and waved his arms behind him, trying to catch hold of his briefcase. He brought a hand against its scaled back, and searched for the clasps, flicking them up and opening the case. He grabbed the first dry linen he could find and furiously attacked his eyes with it, soaking up the water covering his lids. He opened his eyes to see that it was his magic underwear, and thanked God for blessing them and saving him in his time of need. He then noticed the red shadow cowering in the corner of the pond and smiled. There was going to be no escape for the little fishy. He would make sure of that.
Mitt placed the underwear back in the case, and replaced it with a small white and red ball. Clutching it in his palm, he slowly made his way back into the water. The red shadow fluttered about in a state of panic, swimming in little circles to avoid the man above, but it was of little use in the enclosed space. Mitt watched its struggles and laughed.
Using his extensive secondary education, the governor calculated the fish’s future location and belly-flopped over it, causing large waves of water to shoot out in every direction. He waved his arms frantically in the water, holding his breath and keeping his eyes open underwater to try to see where the little bugger was, despite the stinging sensation in his retinas. He glimpsed a flash of red and grabbed for it, catching the end of a fin, but the fish wiggled free. Romney gave one last lunge of his body and caught it, the fish still struggling forcefully within his arms.
Mitt finally identified the red body as that of a Magikarp’s, and dropped it onto dry land before it could escape his grasp. “You will be my partner, whether you like it or not!” he screeched, and threw the Pokeball with all six and a half decades of his strength. The Magikarp gave a horrified blub before the ball ensnared its body in a flash of red light. The ball twitched once, twice -
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Pokemon for capture: Magikarp
I wrote this rather quickly so that I wouldn't forget about the challenge I gave myself. I may or may not continue this lol.