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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 12-10-2006, 03:37 AM
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Default Ocean of Chac

Leman's URPG Story thread!


Leman's Pokemon (In the story):

Kingdra

Kingdra is a wise and powerful, Pokemon, and is the most powerful pokemon on Leman's team. It was, his starter pokemon. After evolving in Squirtle's in Cinnabar, it lost the destructive, and niave nature, but this still shows through sometimes, especially in battle. Even though it is powerful, it is seldom seen due to its innability to survive on land, Wartortle plays the role of powerhouse when Leman is away from water.


Ariados

Ariados was found in a large dumpster, starving, and desperatly searching for food. Leman grabbed it, took it home and fed it. Now she doesn't want to leave. She evolved in battle with the evil Anyunkoko, and has become very powerfull.


Wartortle
(Note that this Pokemon has not evolved in my stories, only in the battling of URPG)

Wartortle evolved from Squirtle during a feirce battle between him and Tongo's Swellow. (For more info on Tongo and his Swellow se Reoccuring Characters at the bottom of the post). Wartortle now has encreased defence and endurence, and does not like to give up. If he is defeated, he is very vengeful, and would do anything to smash the other Pokemon to a pulp with it's veriety of water attacks, and a couple physical moves like Bite and Skull Bash. A side from that Wartortle also has become, sort of an older brother (in a sense) of Eevee, taking in the responsiblity of protecting her with his mighty Silver Shelled-Protect Attack of Doom, but now that she evolved, who knows how he will react.


Jolteon

Jolteon is recently evolved pokemon, and she, now, loves to show off her newfound power. She is still a bit naive and quite curious. She is still a ball of energy, though she has spikes now.


Vibrava
(Note that this Pokemon has not evolved in my stories, only in the battling of URPG)

Vibrava is a stubborn pokemon, think that he is the most powerful Pokemon, therefore he should not battle at all. Food is another story. Being very greedy he will take food, even if he has to fight for it. Leman bought him for a traveling Pokemon salesman. He has never acctualy been seen, but Leman does have him.


Dragonair

Dragonair has not been seen, but was captured as an abused Pokemon in Anyunkoko's clutches.


Taillow
(Note that this Pokemon has not evolved in my stories, only in the battling of URPG)

Taillow has been seen once, and was captured as an abused Pokemon in Anyunkoko's clutches. Being very young, Taillow will cry if hungry, which proves to be very annoying.


Zubat

Zubat has not been seen, but was captured as an abused Pokemon in Anyunkoko's clutches.


Mareep
(Note that this Pokemon has not evolved in my stories, only in the battling of URPG)

Mareep stores tons of electricity in her fleece, ready to let loose when she need to.



Houndour
(Note that this Pokemon has not evolved in my stories, only in the battling of URPG)

Leman beleives that this Pokemon is evil, and he never wanted it to be caught. It has never come out of the Pokeball after its capture.


Reoccuring Characters

Last edited by Leman; 03-20-2007 at 03:34 AM.
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  #2  
Old 12-10-2006, 04:18 AM
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Default Re: Squirtles in Cinnabar

This my first story and I’ll enter it in that legendary pokemon contest.
Squirtles in Cinnabar
Chapter 1: Training for battle

By Leman000



I’m Leman, a proud resident of Cinnabar Island. Seadra and I have lived here for all 14 years of our lives. I am tall, dark skinned, and I am a pretty experienced trainer, not the best though. Seadra was a smaller Seadra than average, and had a different color than the other Seadras. He enjoyed destroying and ruining things and loved to make other Pokemon faint. Sometimes wondered if Seadra was evil; he always had that glint in his eye, but that was impossible, Pokemon aren’t evil.

Seadra and I were training in the port. The scenery was breathtaking. The ocean sparkled in the setting sun and the refection made the sunset look amazing. There were even a couple of Squirtle and Wartortle basking on the surface a few meters away. Eventually Seadra and I were going to challenge Blane, the leader of the Cinnabar Gym. I had set up a bunch of cardboard targets that looked like different fire Pokemon.

“Use Water Gun on Houndoom, ” I called out to Seadra. Seadra shot out a blast of water from its tube like mouth. It hit the cardboard Houndoom who flew back and hit the wall of a nearby shop, startling a Pelipper.

“Sorry,” I yelled in apology as it soared off into the distance.

“Back to training,” I told Seadra, “Now, use Twister on the Marcargo.” Seadra sucked in air and blew out a vicious tornado that ripped up the cardboard lava snail. Seadra looked quite pleased with himself, almost laughing at the makeshift Pokemon. It then shot Moltres a fierce look that said, “You’re next. Get ready to die.”

“Great Job!” I exclaimed and tossed Seadra a pokeblock, which he gobbled up greedily. “Now use Hydro Pump on that Moltres,” I commanded.

Seadra sucked in air and then shot out a gigantic, high-pressured stream of water that slammed into the legendary bird of fire. It was shredded, soaked, and reduced to a small pile of wet paper. I stood there, marveling Seadra’s amazing Hydro Pump. I did not know that he could pull that off; I was pleasantly surprised. Seadra was also looking immensely pound of himself also, obviously wanting another treat.

“Wow,” was all I could say, still completely bewildered.

Seadra deserved a reward so I threw him another pokeblock.

“O.K. Try Hydro Pump on Magmar, Flareon, Entei, Arcanine, and Charizard. You know, the wooden pokemon.” I instructed Seadra.

These pokemon were wooden unlike the previous ones, which were cardboard, and these were all in a line.He did as he was told, sucking up air and shooting out and amazing blast of high-pressured water, which impressed me once again. The river of water collided with the wall of pokemon. The pokemon were pushed back a couple feet and water sprayed everywhere, soaking nearby citizens. It reminded me of a dog shaking off all the water on it when it gets wet. Unfortunately, for Seadra and me, one of the people to get wet was Eizen.
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Last edited by Leman; 01-23-2007 at 03:52 AM.
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  #3  
Old 12-12-2006, 12:20 AM
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Default Re: Squirtles in Cinnabar

Squirtles in Cinnabar
Chapter 2: Against the master

by Leman000


Eizen was trainer in the Cinnabar gym; second best trainer on the island. He was quite famous for his amazing battling skill and his firey temper. Eizen was an older man and today wearing very fancy clothes; he was probably going to some fancy trainer’s party. Now his elegent clother were all wet and he did not look presentable, nor did he look very happy.

“You’ve ruined my clothes you meddling child! You and you’re pathetic Seadra will pay dearly for that!” screamed the enraged Eizen.

“Meddling? Pathetic?” I thought. Then I shouted, “I am not meddling and Seadra is not pathetic!”

Still furious, Eizen screamed back, ”Really? I beg to differ! That overgrown seahorse couldn’t beat a fire Pokemon!”

“Overgrown seahorse?” I shouted, “Seadra is tiny, and he could beat you any day, even now. Bring it on!”

“Fine!” roared the enraged Eizen. “Go, Charizard!!” Eizen took a pokeball out of his pocket and threw it into the air. It opened up and a powerful Charizard burst out of it in a brilliant flash of yellow light and roared ferociously. It let out a hot stream of orange flames into the air that incinerated a poor, unlucky, passing butterfly. It was ready for battle.

“Seadra use Hydro Pump!” I ordered. Seadra sucked in the air a shot out the huge stream of water straight at Charizard.

“Charizard, use your Flamethrower attack!” shrieked Eizen.

Charizard flew upwards and unleashed the attack. The white-hot flames shot from Charizard’s mouth and collided with Seadra’s Hydro Pump. The two attacks formed a giant cloud of steam. Seadra’s Hydro Pump was evaporating because of the sheer heat of Charizard sizzling flamethrower.

“Now use Thunder Punch Charizard!!” yelled Eizen. (I was wondering why his voice wasn’t going hoarse from all his yelling at this point.)

Charizard swooped out of the way of Seadra’s Hydro Pump and dived to wards Seadra. His claws were covered in electric sparks. The fist collided with Seadra electrocuting him. Seadra howled in pain from the attack. Things were looking bleak for Seadra and me.

“Use Smoke Screen buddy,” I called out to him.

A massive smoke cloud erupted from Seadra’s mouth to lower Charizard’s accuracy but unluckily missed completely. Instead it flew into a group of Squirtle. They started to panic and I felt really bad for them.

“Charizard use Aerial Ace!” commanded Eizen.

I had almost forgotten about the battle, but Eizen’s call brought me back down to Earth. Using amazing speed and agility Charizard hit Seadra with an invisible attack that hit Seadra and knocked him back a couple yards.

“Oh no,” I gasped. We were loosing badly; we haven’t had one attack hit yet. “Try another Hydro pump,” I called out again, but unfortunately for us Seadra didn’t hear me; he was out cold.

“Finish it off with an Overheat attack, Charizard!!” screamed Eizen again.

Seadra was awakened by Eizen’s shriek and dived under the water barely escaping the attack. So did all of the Squirtle, except one. Flames erupted from every pore on Charizard’s body scorching everything on the water below. It was spectacular and horrifying at the same time. The curious Squirtle who hadn’t dived under was scorched and dove before getting burned too badly.

I was about to order a Hydro Pump when a colossal, stream of water shot out from the water and struk Charizard before he could react. This stream was much larger than Seadra’s Hydro Pump and did not come from Seadra. Charizard rocketed over by Eizen and me, and landed with a thud right next to me. Eizen growled and took out the pokeball. Charizard was sucked back into it in flash of red light and Eizen stormed off.

“O.K. Seadra come back,” I yelled. Seadra sprang up and slowly swam back to me looking exhausted. Then I noticed a black round rock speeding toward Seadra. It was going to hit him.

“Seadra, swim faster something’s chasing you!!” I yelled to him.

Seadra look over and its eyes seedmed to pop out of its head. He sped up but there was no point. The black stone went under the water and used a powerfull Skull Bash attack on Seadra. As it came out of the water I saw that it was the curious Squirtle that Charizard had burnt. It was fuming, and the back of its shell was coal black. It must have used Hydro Cannon at Charizard and now it was going to use Skull Bash at Seadra. It had a right to be furious; he let us use his home as a battleground, and we threw smoke in it and burnt it.

Seadra flew twenty feet back to us landed in the water. I scooped him up and quickly sprayed him with a revive. Seadra stirred and woke up. I put him back in the water, ready to fight Squirtle.

“Seadra, Hydro Pump!” I yelled.

Seadra sucked in air and blasted out a huge jet of water straight at Squirtle, who dodged it easily, and countered with it’s own Hydro Pump which hit Seadra, knocking him back a couple feat. Seeing this Squirtle’s amazing display of power I decided to catch it. If it was this strong as a Squirtle imagine what it could do as a Blastoise.

“Try twister.” I suggested.

Seadra sucked in a monumental amount of air and blew it out in the form of a brutal, vicious tornado. The twister hit Squirtle on it’s shell and he let out a cry of pain.

“We’re winning!” I yelled “Hit it with Hydro Pump again on that weak spot.”

Seadra unleash another great stream of high -pressured water at Squirtle’s charred shell. The attack hit its mark and Squirtle screamed. It dove under water to escape Seadra’s bombard of attacks.

“Dive under water and subdue it,” I called to Seadra.

Seadra dove under water. After what seemed like hours Seadra resurfaced looking very sad. It had failed. It hadn’t caught up to the Squirtle. I gave it a Pokeblock for trying and it gobbled up happily.

“I will catch that Squirtle,” I said to Seadra, “Maybe not today maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not the day after that, or the day after that. But I will find that Squirtle, eventually.”
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Last edited by Leman; 01-23-2007 at 03:51 AM.
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  #4  
Old 12-15-2006, 01:24 AM
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Default Re: Squirtles in Cinnabar

Squirtles in Cinnabar
Chapter 3: The Elegent Trianer

by Leman000

Finding Squirtle would be no easy task. All I knew was that he couldn’t have gone far with his injury. I did some research in the Pokemon Center’s Archives. That hadn’t told me anything. Three days passed from the day Seadra and I fought Eizen, before I learned anything. It was the day a great Water Pokemon trainer came to town.

Seadra and I were practicing his new move, Ice Beam on Frisbees at the port. I was tossing them in the air and Seadra had to freeze them before they hit the water. It was really good for aim. Then a man on the back of a Kingdra comes speeding towards us. The Kingdra stops inches away from the edge of the water. His amazing Kingdra mesmerized me.

“Wow,” I said to the trainer, “How did you get your Seadra to evolve into Kingdra?“

The trainer answered with a smile, ”I traded it with a Dragon Scale. My name is Juan, by the way.”

“I’m Leman,” I told him, “Where could I get one of those?”

“Out here, I do not know. Back in Sootopolis, where my gym is, there are some lying on the ocean floor,” said Juan.

“You have a gym too!” I exclaimed. I have never heard of this Sootoplis that he’s talking about but I took his word for it.

Juan chuckled, “Yes I do. Any more questions?”

I thought for a moment and then said, ”Yes. Do you know where I could find a lot of Squirtle?”

“That is exactly what I came for! I know exactly where the Squirtle are, and I was hoping to catch one. I’m not going to tell you yet though,” he told me. “You will have to battle me first and if you win then I’ll tell you.” Then he smiled.

“No way!” I said, “You will destroy us.” Seadra nodded in agreement.

“Fine then,” he said. “I was willing to give you this Dragon Scale if you won. You can’t get into the cavern with a Seadra.” He turned and started to leave. His Kingdra was sucked back into its Pokeball.

If I needed that Dragon Scale to get into the cavern then I needed that Dragon Scale as soon as possible. I ran after Juan and called out to him.

“O.K.,” I yelled, ”I will battle you!”

“Great,” he said,” But, let's battle tomorrow. I have to get some things done today and it is getting late.”

I agreed and he walked off. Seadra and I trained our moves for the next four hours and Seadra definatly showed some improvement. His Ice Beams were hitting most of the time and his Twister looked more vicious than before. I went back to my apartment, very excited about the upcoming battle.
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Last edited by Leman; 01-23-2007 at 03:52 AM.
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Old 12-26-2006, 08:54 PM
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Default Re: Squirtles in Cinnabar

Squirtles in Cinnabar
Chapter 4: Battle for the Scale

by Leman000


That night I barely slept, due to my excitement. I was going to battle a master trainer. The prize of victory would be amazing. A Dragon Scale and a trip to the Squirtles home, where I could finally catch it. It would be invaluable in my battle against Blaine. Seadra couldn’t sleep either; the chance to evolve was obviously filling its mind. He would become a large, wise, and powerful Kingdra, which he had admired since his days as a Horsea.

Amazingly, I actually got a wink or two of sleep, and so did Seadra. I gave him his morning Calcium and Carbos to boost his performance in the battle. Seadra gulped it down quickly, and I gave him a Pokeblock, which he ate happily. Seadra was ready for the upcoming battle, gut he was very nervous. He was pacing around in his pool I built for him in the side of the room.

“Time to go,” I told him.

I took out his Pokeball and pressed the button. A red light shot out and hit Seadra in the chest and he was sucked back into the ball. I walked out into the hallway and out the door, into town. I found Juan waiting for me at the Pokemon Center.

“Leman!!” he exclaimed joyfully, “Are you and your Seadra still up for that battle?”

“Of course we are,” I said.

“Good. We’ll have it by the port in water. And if you win you still get that Dragon scale,” he aid to me.

He pulled it out and showed it to me. It sparkled in the bright light of the Pokemon Center. He put it back and I came to my senses again.

“Great!!” I said, ”Let's get going.

We left the Pokemon Center and moments later we arrived at the docks. The place he took me to almost looked like a stadium. There were two rectangular platforms about fifty feet apart jutting out of the side of the dock. The entire field was covered with water, so Juan was obviously going to use something that could not survive on land. Juan took out a pokeball and threw it.

“Lapras! Go!” he yelled.

An enormous, dinosaur-like pokemon erupted out of the pokeball in blinding flash of white light. It had a long neck and four, large fins. It was all blue except for the hard, dark grey shell. I had only read about these majestic pokemon, and had never seen one before. The books said that they were extremely rare, and very strong.

“Come on out Seadra,” I said, and threw my own pokeball in the air.

Seadra popped out of its pokeball accompanied by more white light. Seadra was startled by Lapras’s size. He had known Lapras was big, but this one was larger than normal.

“Lapras, start things off with an Ice Beam attack!” said Juan to Lapras.

“Dodge and use Smokescreen,” I told Seadra.

Lapras’s mouth turned to an icy blue and a freezing blast of frosty air shot out of Lapras’s mouth straight to Seadra. Seadra quickly moved to the left and the Ice Beam froze the water that Seadra was in. Seadra shot out a barrage of inky black smoke and Lapras lost all of its sight. She was still shooting out Ice Beams that were landing nowhere near Seadra.

“Yes!” I exclaimed, “Good Job Seadra now try a Twister attack.”

Seadra sucked in air and launched out a vicious Twister, which hit Lapras, who was still firing out Ice Beams. None of them hit Seadra. Lapras gave out a small cry of pain, when the Twister hit, paused, but then resumed launching Ice Beams.

“Mist, Lapras,” said Juan calmly.

A cool mist shot out of Lapras’s nostrils, pushing away the Smokescreen. Seadra was startled to see that Lapras emerged and was seemingly unharmed by the Twister attack. Juan smiled.

“Now Lapras, Thunderbolt!” he yelled.

Lapras’s body was suddenly covered with electric sparks that she hurled at Seadra. They hit Seadra dead on and he was knocked on to a small block of ice that Lapras had made near my feet. The entire field was littered with these small anchored pieces of ice. Seadra was barely hanging on to consciousness. I quickly scooped him up and gave him a Super Potion and placed him back in the water.

“Now Lapras, finish him off with a Body Slam,” said Juan calmly.

Lapras swam backwards a bit a sped up preparing to ram Seadra. Unfortunately she crashed into some of the ice cubes. Lapras bellowed in pain and small cuts appeared on her underbelly. She spun around and realized that there her Ice beams had trapped her. She dove under water to see if there was another way out but there obviously wasn’t because she popped back up to where she started.

“Seadra, Hydro Pump!” I exclaimed.

Seadra sucked in air a blasted out a stream of high-pressured water straight at Lapras’s face. The water hit and she yelled in pain.

After the stream of water had stopped coming, Juan yelled, ”Use Surf Lapras.”

The water level fell and rose us beneath Lapras. The huge wave started to travel towards Seadra quickly gaining speed, and Lapras was riding on top. It destroyed some of the icebergs that trapped Lapras.

“Ice Beam!” I yelled. “Freeze the wave!”

Seadra didn’t hesitate; he quickly shot out the beam of freezing air directly at the gigantic wave. As soon as it hit the wall of water instantly started to freeze. The Ice started at the point where the beam had hit slowly making its way up and around the water. Soon the entire wave was ice and Lapras slid down back into the small prison it had made before.

“Dive, down Seadra,” I commanded.

“Thunderbolt again, Lapras,” said Juan.

Seadra leapt under the water, while Lapras fired a Thunderbolt. It hit an iceberg and rebounded off into the sky.

“Come up and use Hydro Pump,” I said.

“Be on your guard,” advised Juan.

Seadra popped up right in front of Lapras, and blasted out a high-pressured jet of water straight at Lapras. Seadra was so close that there was no time for the attack to lose power or for Lapras to dodge. Lapras whined and bellowed in pain.

"Ice Beam, now!" said Juan.

Lapras recovered from the Hydro Pump attack, and launched out another beam of freezing air staight at Seadra. His eyes widened with surprise and he dove under water. The beam hit the water and it froze.

"Seadra, come up and use Hydro Pump again," I yelled.

Seadra did resuface, but he did not use Hydro Pump. He was frozen, solid.

"Now use Body Slam, Lapras," said Juan.

Lapras swam back, slid up the wave, and then slid down, coliding with Seadra. Seadra flew over towards me, hit the ground, and the ice he was encased in shattered! I picked him and gace him another super potion, and put him back in the water.

"Use Hydro Pump, Seadra," I said.

"Ice Beam, Lapras! Freeze his beam of water!" yelled Juan.

Seadra blasted out the large balst of water, but it went to high. Lapras's Ice Beam froze the Hydro Pump, and it hovered, right above Lapras. Then it came crashing down on top of Lapras's head. Lapras's cry was muffled as the log of ice fell down, throwing Lapras's head in the water. Her head resurfaced and she was unconcious. Juan took out her Pokeball, and sucked her back up into it in a flash or red light.He took the Dragon Scale out of his pocket and tossed it to me. I caught it just before it hit the ground.

“Congratulations! You've earned it.” he said jovially, “But that Dragon Scale doesn’t work on its own. You have to trade it .”

I gave the scale to Seadra and put him back inside of his Pokeball. We walked down to the Pokemon center and came up to the trading machine. He told me that he would trade me his Lapras and then trade back. I agreed. I put Seadra’s ball in the machine, and Juan put his in. The machine sucked them up and put them back on the other side. Then we did this again.

I grabbed the pokeball on my side of the machine and ran down to the dock and released Seadra into the water. At first he looked normal, and he was still holding the Dragon Scale, but suddenly he began to glow. His body wiggled and squirmed and the shining mass became bigger and stronger. Finally he stopped glowing and Seadra wasn’t floating in the water. A powerful Kingdra had taken his place.
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Last edited by Leman; 01-23-2007 at 03:52 AM.
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Old 12-26-2006, 10:41 PM
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Default Re: Squirtles in Cinnabar

Squirtles in Cinnabar
Chapter 5: Squirle meets us again

by Leman000

I hopped onto my newly evolved Kingdra gleefully. Kingdra looked very happy also.

“Come on!” I said joyfully to Juan, “You said you’d show me where the Squirtle were.”

“Yes. I did. Lets go,” he said.

Juan took out a pokeball and pressed the button. In a flash of red light another Kingdra appeared beside mine. Juan hopped on it.

“Well what are you waiting for?” asked Juan. “Lets get this show on the road.” And he was off.

I hopped on Kingdra. “Hahaha. Lets catch ‘em Kingdra,” I said to Kingdra who sped up to pursue Juan.

The cold air blasted on my face and Kingdra created a defining roar with its amazing speed in the water. With Kingdra’s newfound speed and endurance he quickly caught up to Juan.

“Get ready to dive!” yelled Juan over the roar.

Juan’s Kingdra quickly slipped under the waves and he was gone. Momentarily my Kingdra and I went under also. Being under water was amazing. The water was a clear greenish blue and very warm. A school of Magickarp swam about fifty feet away and aincient Relicanth was slowly drifting across the ocean floor.

Juan suddenly pointed ahead and his Kingdra sped up too. I looked to see a Squirtle. He wasn’t the same Squirtle that I had battled a couple of days before. His shell wasn’t charred. Kingdra sped up to follow him. The Squirtle was startled and swam up. Juan and I followed it. It entered a damp, musty tunnel that was half way filled with water. The Squirtle kept swimming but Kingdra was too big. I pushed the button on the pokeball and Kingdra was sucked up into it. Juan did also. The Squirtle quickly swam up stream.

“Politoad! Go!” he yelled.

A large green frog like jumped out of the Pokeball in a flash of white light. It looked giddy and almost like it was form a Cartoon.

“Politoad, Double Edge attack on that Squirtle!” he said.

Politoad bounded up to the Squirtle, jumped up and slammed on top it. Squirtle helped in pain. Juan and I ran towards them. When Politoad got off it Squirtle was floating face down in the water. Juan then threw a Pokeball at it. Squirtle was sucked up in flash of red light. The Pokeball floated in the water and wobbled for a couple seconds. Suddenly it stopped and Juan picked it put it in his pocket.

“Return Politoad,” he said and Politoad was sucked up into a different Pokeball in the same flash of red light. “Good luck,” said Juan and then he turned and started to depart.

“You’re leaving?” I yelled.

“Yes,” he said, “ I showed you the place and now you have to get that Squirtle.”

“Okay,” I said.

He turned to leave and waded through the water. I ran up ahead as fast as I could. The tunnel slowly started to slant up wards. After a few hours the tunnel was really steep and I was swimming as hard as I could. I reached a large room where there was a large waterfall that fell for miles from the ceiling. On the other side of the waterfall the tunnel there was a small black figure. I let out Kingdra just in case it attacked. The water was now deep enough for Kingdra to swim in.

The thing leapt out from behind the waterfall into the pool. It was a large, and angry Squirtle. The most noticeable feature was the large black burn mark on the back of its shell.
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Last edited by Leman; 01-23-2007 at 03:53 AM.
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Old 12-27-2006, 12:47 AM
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Default Re: Squirtles in Cinnabar

Squirtles in Cinnabar
Chapter 6:The Final Fight

by Leman000

Yes, I was hopping to find this Squirtle.

“Kingdra, Twister!” I said.

Kingdra let loose a vicious Twister that flew straight at Squirtle. Unlike Seadra, Kingdra did not have to suck in air every time it wanted to attack. Squirtle countered the powerful dragon attack with a Water Gun. They collided mid-stadium spraying water. Squirtle put it s head down and started to swim quickly towards Kingdra.

“Go under water and use a Hydro Pump on it,” I yelled.

Kingdra dove underneath the water. Squirtle missed and crashed into the wall headfirst. Before it could brace it self a large jet of water blasted out from beneath the waves sending Squirtle soaring into the sky. Kingdra came up to se what his Hydro Pump had done.

“Hit it with a Twister before it lands, Kingdra,” I said.

Kingdra shot the swirling winds at the Squirtle, but missed barely. Squirtle, then, while it was falling, shot out a gargantuan blast of high-pressured water straight at Kingdra. The Hydro Cannon attack hit it’s mark and Kingdra was thrown to the back wall. Squirtle then used it’s withdraw attack, which absorbed most of the shock from the fall.

Almost as soon as he hit the water Squirtle was speeding towards Kingdra in another attempted Skull Bash attack. This time Squirtle didn’t crash into the wall and hit Kingdra. Kingdra yelped in pain.

“Water Gun, Kingdra,” I said.

The Squirtle was pushed back by the squirt of water. Squirtle shot out a blast of water, which was smaller than the Hydro cannon but still deadly. Kingdra, who had now gotten its sense back, dodged the attack.

“Ice Beam attack. Now!” I yelled.

Kingdra shot out a beam of freezing air across the water at Squirtle. It hit him and he was frozen solid. Squirtle was and ice cube.

“Use Hydro Pump to make sure that it is weak enough to be caught,“ I told him.

Kingdra shot out one more, large stream of water. Squirtle flew back and the ice shattered. Squirtle staggered up and shot out a weak water gun that did not make it half way to Kingdra and me. It started to swim closer and then it collapsed. I decided that this was enough and threw a pokeball at it. The Pokeball sucked it up in flash of red light and sat atop the water. I jumped on Kingdra who swam near it. The Pokeball was wiggling with Squirtle inside.
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Last edited by Leman; 01-23-2007 at 03:53 AM.
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  #8  
Old 12-29-2006, 06:53 PM
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Default Re: Squirtles in Cinnabar (Grading needed)

Grading this...
Lemme put everything together first. :P

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Old 12-29-2006, 06:59 PM
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Default Re: Squirtles in Cinnabar (Grading needed)

Quote:
Originally Posted by DaRkUmBrEoN View Post
Grading this...
Lemme put everything together first. :P

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Thank you so much.
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  #10  
Old 12-29-2006, 07:50 PM
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Default Re: Squirtles in Cinnabar (Grading needed)

Argh... I was typing out the grade and then browser went to a different site, while I was in basic editing mode. Now I need to retype everything... ;_;

Plot:
Interesting, since it doesn't start off like your run of the mill story. I like the idea of having that battle with the Gym trainer at the start, but it slowly becomes more and more predictable.

Try throwing in some plot twists, some random events to throw off the reader and make them wonder what the hell is going on. Though, what you have here is decent enough for your first few stories.

Detail:
Ah, this is where I like to nag, but I won't this time. You've done decent on the description, which isn't bad for a starter. Only describing the most useful parts and letting out the unnecessary details is a good approach if you want to speed things up, but I don't get the idea you wanted that throughout the entire story.

You need to learn to know when to slow down your story to a pace suitable for explanation scenes and speed things up for action packed events. This will come as you start to write more, so don't worry too much about it yet.

Grammar/Spelling:
Ouch, this is were it hurt you the most. I'm doubting that you've reread your story and checking it with MS Word. There are a lot of misspellings made by typos and just not knowing how to write the word. Also, you tend to forget to place commas in some places, so I think you need to check out the << How to Write Stories >> thread again.

The key to getting better in grammar and spelling is to recheck, recheck and recheck. Now, if you've done that, recheck some more. Yes, it sounds corny, but learning all the rules and words by heart doesn't get you anywhere, and will just consume time like hell.

Length:
Long enough. It's not a big deal, since this kinda depends on the quality and the Pokémon.

Battle:
You seem to get way too many lucky breaks. It's kinda bad if your Pokémon faints, and then somehow dodges the next attack.

Oh, and your battles seemed to get bland after a while. They're all described the same way with the same moves. Now, there are two ways to deal with this. Either use different moves or use the moves creatively and differently, like how you did with Seadra's Ice Beam against Lapras.

Overall:
The thing that hurt you most was Grammar/Spelling, seconded by Plot and Battle. Now, you don't have to fix your plot and battle, but fixing Grammar/Spelling would help you out so much at the moment.

Outcome: Sorry, Squirtle not captured.

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Old 12-29-2006, 08:13 PM
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Default Re: Squirtles in Cinnabar (Grading needed)

I'm allowed to edit it right?
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Old 12-29-2006, 08:26 PM
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Default Re: Squirtles in Cinnabar (Grading needed)

Quote:
Originally Posted by leman000 View Post
I'm allowed to edit it right?
Yes, you are allowed.
In fact, it's really appreciated. :P

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Old 12-29-2006, 09:01 PM
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Default Re: Squirtles in Cinnabar (Grading needed)

Am I allowed to change the plot a bit?
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  #14  
Old 12-29-2006, 09:02 PM
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Default Re: Squirtles in Cinnabar (Grading needed)

Quote:
Originally Posted by leman000 View Post
Am I allowed to change the plot a bit?
Yes, you can do whatever you want. :P

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Old 12-29-2006, 09:43 PM
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Default Re: Squirtles in Cinnabar (Grading needed)

Ok. I edited it. I hope it is enough. Meanwhile, let me go reread that article.
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I grade week old stories that are Hard rank or lower. :)


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