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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 01-20-2007, 03:39 AM
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Default Bug Infestation

It was a warm night, and a young boy was sitting in his room, having taken a break from wandering around, looking for Pokemon to catch. He had short brown hair, freshly cut, and sparkling blue eyes. His clothing did not seem out of place for a teenage boy - A sky blue T-Shirt and navy blue shorts.

Josh was sitting at his computer, programming a PokeDex in 'MareepSoft Visual Basic'. As much as he loved the PokeDex he was given when he started his Pokemon Training, he decided a home made one he could carry around on his PDA would be more efficient.

Geodude, his Rock-type Pokemon, was lying peacefully on his bed, dozing off every five minutes, only waking back up when Josh would say something like "That's done" or "Now to do this." Josh looked back at Geodude and noticed how it did seem a little tired.
"Sorry, mate," Josh told his companion. "I'll be done in a minute."
"Geodude," the Pokemon muttered.

It was ten minutes later when Josh finally finished. It was midnight. He synchronised his black PDA with his computer and began the file transfer before collapsing into bed.
"Sorry that took longer than I expected, Geodude," Josh petted his Pokemon. "But now we can have a nice, long sleep."
"Geo..." the rock began drifting off to sleep.

"Pi, pi!"
It was two in the morning. Josh was rudely awaken by the sounds of "Pi, pi" all over his room. He opened his eyes. Suddenly from groggy to alarmed, Josh jumped.
There were Caterpie all over the room. On his bed, on Geodude, on his computer and even some on himself. He brushed them off.
"Geodude, wake up!" Josh shouted, shaking the boulder over and over.
"Geodude..." it too was groggy.
Some Caterpie had been startled off and climbed out his window, but there were many congregating in the middle of his room, obviously angry at the disturbance.
"Let's rock, Geodude."

Geodude had bounced to the middle of the room, causing shaking from the room and the Caterpie as it went.
"Geodude use Tackle!" Josh commanded.
Geodude rammed into the Caterpie, causing them to fly in all directions. However, this wasn't a terribly good idea as they started shooting String Shot from all over.
"Try using Defense Curl!"
Geodude curled up into a ball, and though some of the string had already attacked itself to Geodude, a lot of it bounced off.
Other Caterpie were beginning to Tackle Geodude themselves, but they failed miserably, just bouncing off Geodude.
Josh was noticing that many books in his room were beginning to fall, shelves were getting shaken up, and one Caterpie that had rebounded off Geodude came close to hitting his monitor, in which it would've been a case of broken monitor or bug guts stuck on there. A close call he didn't want to happen again.
"Geodude use Double-Edge!"
Geodude rammed heavily into three Caterpie that were by the window. Geodude sent them flying out into the garden, but took some recoil from the attack.

"Pi!" there was just one very angry Caterpie left. Geodude and Caterpie stood still for what seemed like hours, eyes locked carefully on one another. Finally, Josh broke the stand off.
"Tackle it!"
Caterpie attacked first, encasing Geodude in a String Shot. It now looked like his friend was a cocoon. Caterpie was now seizing its chance, striking Geodude with multiple Tackle attacks, and they looked like they were effective. This Caterpie was strong.
Josh, however, was panicing.
'Geodude is defenseless unless I do something,' he thought. 'But there's not a whole heap I can do. Except...'
"I'm sorry, Geodude," he said in sorrow and putting up an arm to cover his face. "But... Use Selfdestruct."
Geodude nodded, and Josh could tell it obviously was a little scared to do it. But, musteringup the courage, caused an explosion.

When Josh thought it was over, he slowly lowered his arm. There was a massive black, charred smudge on his carpet. His monitor and computer seemed to be okay. His PDA had fallen off its cradle but it seemed the PokeDex had finished transferring anyway. It lay still on his floor. His television also had a smudge on it, but it was nothing a cloth wouldn't fix.
"Geodude!" he shouted, running over to his Pokemon. It had fainted, but it seemed fine otherwise. "Have a nice rest."
Josh pulled out a Poke Ball and Geodude turned red and was sucked into the ball. Josh put it on his desk, then pulled a spare Poke Ball from his drawer, keeping an eye out for the Caterpie. Had it discintegrated or died in the explosion?
But who'd have known it? Caterpie was just under his cabinet, fainted but with laboured breathing. Feeling pity for it, he opened his Poke Ball, hoping to catch it and restore it back to health. Caterpie was sucked in by a red light and the Poke Ball closed. But to Josh's surprise, the ball wiggled out of his hand, and began wriggling around on the floor. The Caterpie had some strength left. Would it escape?
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Old 01-20-2007, 08:05 PM
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Default Re: Bug Infestation

Story: It was nice enough for a Caterpie, and the story was well-written. Anyway, a boy wakes up one morning and finds a bunch of said Pokemon all over his room. Knowing the series, I'm sure something like this could easily happen. While the story could probably have been improved by a longer introduction and perhaps more to the story than just "the Pokemon I want to capture shows up in my house" sort of thing, I think this was enough for the little guy. Nice job with the writing though, the story had a good flow to it that made it easy to read.

Grammar/Spelling: I didn't find many errors, if any. You forgot to space between some words and didn't spell some correctly, but this area is otherwise virtually spotless. Excellent work. This is the part where I normally tell people to use a spell check just in case, but I do not think you need to.

Length: It almost looks a bit short, but Caterpie are so common, so I suppose it is sufficient.

Detail/Description: Perfectly fine for what you are going to capture, but keep in mind you'll need more for even rarer Pokemon. I liked how you described the relationship between the main character and his Geodude and the battle ... the 'MareepSoft Visual Basic' brand of PokeDex was also a nice touch. As with grammar and spelling, I don't see anything wrong with this section. You have a good eye for writing.

Battle: Knocking shelves over and punting Caterpie out the window from Geodude's attacks ... nice ideas for a battle done inside of a house! I could see everything happening in my mind, and you gave the Caterpie a fair chance of standing up against a stronger Pokemon. This was definitely my favorite part of the story. Self-destruct isn't the most original way of ending a fight, but it worked fine in this case.

Outcome: Caterpie Captured! Good job.
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