Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 01-06-2007, 10:32 AM
Shadow Kyogre GT2's Avatar
Shadow Kyogre GT2 Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 1)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: You tell me.
Posts: 1,045
Default Krade and his discovery.

This is about a boy named krade who make an amazing discovery. I have devided the story into three parts and here is part one.

Part One/Three:
A storm raged outside the window waking up Krade, a boy, 11 years old.
Krade put on his Clothes including a blue pair of jeans, a red T-shirt and A strange black jacket with a blue cape attached to it. Krade ran downstairs into a lounge with two sofas, a television and newly decorated walls and floors. He sat onto the sofa and as doing so, knocking of his black gameboy advance SP with a Harry Potter game cartridge inside but smashed when hitting the tiled floor.

A tall woman entered the room carrying a cup of what seemed to be hot chocolate. “What are you doing up so early” the woman asked Krade. “Sorry mum, he replied turning on the small TV. “I couldn’t sleep because of the storm” he finished. “Well, you might as well stay up its half past” She stopped looking at the smashed gameboy and game on the floor “what happened?” She said looking from the game to Krade. “Oh, it must have fallen of when I sat down” said Krade looking down at the gameboy. “There goes the present from Uncle Jack” Said Krade sadly picking up the pieces from the floor. “I’ll tell you what, said Krade’s mother, since its getting close to you’re birthday, I’ll go to the store and get you a new one, hows that?” asked the mother. “Thanks mum” said Krade cheering up a little.
----------------------------------------------------***----------------------------------------------------
9:00 – School time

Krade was walking to school dreading the fact that it was Monday again when he saw something in the park. Krade runs towards the park pushing at the gates but the gates didn’t move, it was locked He climbed over them because for some reason, he knew that he just had to be there, a feeling in his bones. Once over he thought to himself “could it be?”. He ran towards the two strange creatures in the centre and saw the most amazing thing he had ever seen, two pokemon. (This is based in our world not the pokemon world so this is very surprising.)

He recognized them as a Golem and a Kabutops fighting but they stopped looking at Krade. Hrade stared right back at them then said “what are you doing here?” he asked the two wild pokemon. “Do you want to come to school with me?” asked Krade again. The pokemon looked at each other then nodded. Krade was left wondering how to get them inside the school.
-----------------------------------------------------***---------------------------------------------------

9:25

“Ok, so when I give the signal you run through the doors, ok?” “Gol Gol” the pokemon agreed. “Ok then… …Go!” and with that the pokemon ran through the school doors and waited round near the big blue door that said “staff supplies”.
“Now then, Kabutops, you will climb to the roof and meet me at the back with Golem.” “Bu tops” the pokemon said and then began to dig his claws into a wall.
“Now, just me, I am going to get in sooooo much trouble for this” said Krade.
__________________

Click on Dragonite and take the personality test! I'm BULBAFIED!!!
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-07-2007, 02:01 PM
Shadow Kyogre GT2's Avatar
Shadow Kyogre GT2 Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 1)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: You tell me.
Posts: 1,045
Default Re: Krade and his discovery.

Here's part two/three

Part Two/Three:
Krade ran towards the same door that Golem went through and ran round over to the corner under the door of which Geodude was waiting for him. But there was no sign of geodude. Krade walked along the corridor, hoping to se the missing pokemon bt had no luck. Then suddenly, he heard a noise coming from the girl’s bathroom, followef by a long scream and several girls mostly from year three came running out. “I am going to regret this” said Krade taking his first step into the girl’s bathroom. “I can’t believe I am doing this” said Krade walking past the cubicle toilets.

“Gol, golem gol” said a voice from inside one of the cubicles. Krade then opened a cubicle door to find a very dirty Golem sitting in a pile of unused toilet paper. “Gol!” the pokemon said happily holding out a roll of toilet paper and offering it to Krade. “Not now Golem, we have to find Kabutops” said Krade almost laughing at the pokemon wrapped in so much toilet paper it was hard to tell him apart from an Egyptian mummy. “Gol gol?” asked Golem hugging the toilet in his cubicle. “No, I’m sorry golem but we’re not allowed in here this is for girls” said Krade pointing to the half visible sign on the door. “GOL!!!” shouted Golem running out of the bathroom. Krade also exited the bathroom not far behind Golem. “Let’s go to the back and find Kabutops” said Krade pointing to another corridor.
-------------------------------------------------***-------------------------------------------------------

9:48

Kabotops was still on the roof climbing to the other side of the school and the tiles where making it very hard to do that as they kept on sliding about. Kabutops took one big step and slipped onto the gutter as he was staying near the edge. “Buuuuuuuutops!!!” said the pokemon loudly as he got his foot stuck under a load of tiles. But he continued along but the something caught his eye, a long pole with a net at the end (a basket-ball net). Kabutops who thought it was a tree ran towards it slipping up almost every step he took.
---------------------------------------------------***-----------------------------------------------------
10:04

Finally Krade and Golem had made their way out of the school with occasional screams from teachers as well as students but they had made it. They pushed open the doors to find Kabutops stuck up the basket-ball pole and net.
__________________

Click on Dragonite and take the personality test! I'm BULBAFIED!!!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-11-2007, 12:38 PM
Shadow Kyogre GT2's Avatar
Shadow Kyogre GT2 Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 1)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: You tell me.
Posts: 1,045
Default Re: Krade and his discovery.

Ok, part three is going to take a while because it's going to be realy long because i've got to get it op all the way to 2:00.
__________________

Click on Dragonite and take the personality test! I'm BULBAFIED!!!
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 02-07-2007, 12:22 PM
Shadow Kyogre GT2's Avatar
Shadow Kyogre GT2 Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 1)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: You tell me.
Posts: 1,045
Default Re: Krade and his discovery.

Part Three/Three:“Kabutops!!!” shouted Kade looking up at the shiny blades that went right through the basket-ball pole. “Get down!” said Krade anxiously. “BRINGGGGGG” the bell had gone and it was time for the first break. Heaps of running children where now heading towards the exits to the school grounds. “Hurry!!!” shouted krade once more. “We can’t be seen!!!” warned Krade. Kabutops had now finally got one blade out the basket ball pole, but by this time it was almost too late. Just then, the second blade came out of the basket ball pole but cutting it in half and the top half cap crashing to the ground. Krade had to dodge to the right to get out of the way. “Quick climb on to the roof!” Krade shouted to Kabutops. The bladed pokemon made an enormous jump but just made it to the roof. “Golem, you come with me we have to hide”

Krade then spotted a way to the front of the school. “Over there” Krade said pointing to the gap next to the wall. “Golem gol gol golem gol!” said Golem anxiously. “Of course you’ll fit” Krade said to Golem but by this time it was too late by far, the children had started to fill the grounds. “RUN!!!” Krade yelled to Golem. They both sprinted towards the gap first Krade dive into it then when Golem attempted, he couldn’t fit. He ran back a while, and then ran towards the gap this tome not diving but continued to run. He smashed both sides of the wall, but safely got to the front.
--------------------------------------------***------------------------------------------------------------
10:28

Meanwhile Kabutops still strolled along the roof with the occasional slip when he walked in between the tiles. “Kabuto tops!” said the long brown pokemon seeing a small black object to the side of the school fence. Still looking at the being, it changed route and climbed of the edge of the school. “Unknown…” chanted the strange black eye like thing. “Bu tops?” asked Kabutops friendly. “Unknown, unknown, unknown” replied the creature that resembled the pokemon Unknown. “Butops” said Kabutops noticing that it was stuck in the wire that went along the fence. “BUUUUU, TOPS!!!” shouted Kabutops slashing the wire into peaces, freeing the Unknown. “Unknown” said the pokemon happily and then following Kabutops to the roof
-------------------------------------------***-------------------------------------------------------------
11:48

“Where are they?” asked Krade looking around the front of the school. “Gol gol gol” replied Golem. “It’s been over an hour” “said Krade thinking terrible thoughts of Kabutops being seen by a student or even a professor.

“Kabutops!!!” said kabutops climbing of a wall over near the entrance but still visible to see. “Kabutops, there you are!” said Krade, but his expression soon changed when he saw the little floating object. “Whats that?” he said running over to the Unknown, soon followed by Golem. “Unknown…” chanted the Unknown floating into Krades hands. “Wow! Its an Unknown!” said Krade. “I’ll tell you what…” Krade was cut off by a giant shockwave hitting him into the air… “Unknown..” chanted the pokemon once more. “Thats it, your mine. Golem use rock throw!" orderd Krade. “GOLEM!” said Golem as he threw massive amounts of rocks at the Unknow. "UNKNOWN" chanted the Unknown again but louder. It seemd to be weekend slightly. It then sent another shockwave out hitting Golem in the face. "Kabutops, use cut!" Krade orderd the skinny, brown, fossil type pokemon. "KABUUU TOPS TOPS" shouted Kabutops as he raised one claw, and slashed at the Unknown. "UNKNOWN!!!" chanted the unknown one more, and sent the biggest, most powerfull shockwave ever which hit krade on the legs, causing him to fall to the ground and go all quiry. Moments later, when he wasn't dazed, he opend his eyes to see Unknown floating in the air still. "Golem, use rock throw again, and Kabutops, use cut again" he said gaining his strength back. Krade got up of the ground just in time to see Kabutops slash at the pokemon once more. "UNKNOWN" said the Unknown finaly, and fell to the ground. “Yeah! We did it! "Unknown started to float up into the air and flew into Krades hands.

“Well, I’m not going to wait for school to end, lets go home. Coming?”

Finished!!!
__________________

Click on Dragonite and take the personality test! I'm BULBAFIED!!!

Last edited by Shadow Kyogre GT2; 02-19-2007 at 06:32 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 02-18-2007, 12:57 AM
Pokemon Trainer Sarah's Avatar
Pokemon Trainer Sarah Offline
Expecto Patronum!
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Route 1
Posts: 8,137
Send a message via AIM to Pokemon Trainer Sarah Send a message via MSN to Pokemon Trainer Sarah
Default Re: Krade and his discovery.

Story: You definately had some good ideas here. Pokemon appearing in the real world was a nice storyline, but you should really have given it some more explanation. You probably also could have explained better than Krade was in the "real world" and not the Pokemon world, so that his sighting of the Pokemon would seem more exciting. The whole part at the school was very well written though. You had some funny lines in there. ^^ Well done!

Grammar/Spelling: Your spelling was really good. Just a few things about grammar that might help you for next time. ^_^
Quote:
He sat onto the sofa and as doing so, knocking of his black gameboy advance SP with a Harry Potter game cartridge inside but smashed when hitting the tiled floor.
Should be:
He sat down on the sofa and in doing so, knocked off his black gameboy advance SP with a Harry Potter game cartridge inside, which smashed when hitting the tiled floor.

Quote:
A tall woman entered the room carrying a cup of what seemed to be hot chocolate. “What are you doing up so early” the woman asked Krade. “Sorry mum, he replied turning on the small TV. “I couldn’t sleep because of the storm” he finished. “Well, you might as well stay up its half past”
Every time a new character speaks, you need to begin a new paragraph, so something like this:
A tall woman entered the room carrying a cup of what seemed to be hot chocolate. “What are you doing up so early?” the woman asked Krade.

“Sorry mum," he replied, turning on the small TV. “I couldn’t sleep because of the storm,” he finished.

“Well, you might as well stay up. It's half past.” She said...


Quote:
“There goes the present from Uncle Jack” Said Krade sadly...
You need a form of punctuation inbetween Jack and ". In this case you'd use a comma, as the fragment after the speech after the quote is acting on the quote.

Make sure that you try not to switch tenses in your story as it interrupts the flow and can make things hard to understand.
Quote:
He ran towards the two strange creatures in the centre
This sentence is in the past tense as you are describing things as if they already happened.
Quote:
Krade runs towards the park pushing at the gates
This sentence is in the present tense as you are describing this as they happen.

Quote:
(This is based in our world not the pokemon world so this is very surprising.)
When writing a story, you shouldn't include little "authors notes" like that. Instead you should try to make the reader understand exactly what's happening within the story, rather than having to add extra notes.

Make sure that you capitalise the word "Pokemon", any names of Pokemon (ie. Golem) and Pokemon attacks and items.

Quote:
Heaps of running children where now heading towards the exits
Should be "were"

Quote:
They both sprinted towards the gap first Krade dive into it
Should be "dove"

Unknown should be Unown.

Quote:
“Kabutops!!!” said kabutops climbing of a wall
Should be off.

Detail: Your detail was alright for an Unown, but you maybe could have described Krade, Golem and Kabutops a bit more. Try to pretend that you're writing to a person who has no idea what the Pokemon look like, and you have to explain it to them. ^^

Reality: Pokemon appearing in the real world doesn't seem very probable. It would have been nice if you could have included an explanation or a reason for them being there or something. Also, the odds that a wild Golem and Kabuto would willingly follow a boy to his school are slim. It would be more likely that they'd flee or attack. The parts at the school were done well. I can see all those things happening if someone brought Pokemon to school.

Battle: This was the only thing that was missing from your story. It's nearly impossible to get a URPG capture without a battle. I know it may seem hard to include a battle as you're in the real world and don't have any of your own Pokemon. But how about taking command of Golem or Kabutops and having a battle with Unown?

Outcome: Unown not captured. Your story was good, all you need is a battle. ^^ If you add one in I'd be glad to give you the little Psychic type.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 02-18-2007, 04:17 PM
Shadow Kyogre GT2's Avatar
Shadow Kyogre GT2 Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 1)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: You tell me.
Posts: 1,045
Default Re: Krade and his discovery.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pokemon Trainer Sarah View Post
Story: You definately had some good ideas here. Pokemon appearing in the real world was a nice storyline, but you should really have given it some more explanation. You probably also could have explained better than Krade was in the "real world" and not the Pokemon world, so that his sighting of the Pokemon would seem more exciting. The whole part at the school was very well written though. You had some funny lines in there. ^^ Well done!

Grammar/Spelling: Your spelling was really good. Just a few things about grammar that might help you for next time. ^_^

Should be:
He sat down on the sofa and in doing so, knocked off his black gameboy advance SP with a Harry Potter game cartridge inside, which smashed when hitting the tiled floor.


Every time a new character speaks, you need to begin a new paragraph, so something like this:
A tall woman entered the room carrying a cup of what seemed to be hot chocolate. “What are you doing up so early?” the woman asked Krade.

“Sorry mum," he replied, turning on the small TV. “I couldn’t sleep because of the storm,” he finished.

“Well, you might as well stay up. It's half past.” She said...



You need a form of punctuation inbetween Jack and ". In this case you'd use a comma, as the fragment after the speech after the quote is acting on the quote.

Make sure that you try not to switch tenses in your story as it interrupts the flow and can make things hard to understand.

This sentence is in the past tense as you are describing things as if they already happened.

This sentence is in the present tense as you are describing this as they happen.


When writing a story, you shouldn't include little "authors notes" like that. Instead you should try to make the reader understand exactly what's happening within the story, rather than having to add extra notes.

Make sure that you capitalise the word "Pokemon", any names of Pokemon (ie. Golem) and Pokemon attacks and items.


Should be "were"


Should be "dove"

Unknown should be Unown.


Should be off.

Detail: Your detail was alright for an Unown, but you maybe could have described Krade, Golem and Kabutops a bit more. Try to pretend that you're writing to a person who has no idea what the Pokemon look like, and you have to explain it to them. ^^

Reality: Pokemon appearing in the real world doesn't seem very probable. It would have been nice if you could have included an explanation or a reason for them being there or something. Also, the odds that a wild Golem and Kabuto would willingly follow a boy to his school are slim. It would be more likely that they'd flee or attack. The parts at the school were done well. I can see all those things happening if someone brought Pokemon to school.

Battle: This was the only thing that was missing from your story. It's nearly impossible to get a URPG capture without a battle. I know it may seem hard to include a battle as you're in the real world and don't have any of your own Pokemon. But how about taking command of Golem or Kabutops and having a battle with Unown?

Outcome: Unown not captured. Your story was good, all you need is a battle. ^^ If you add one in I'd be glad to give you the little Psychic type.
Ok, in part three you'll see the battle in bold.
__________________

Click on Dragonite and take the personality test! I'm BULBAFIED!!!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 02-19-2007, 05:01 AM
Pokemon Trainer Sarah's Avatar
Pokemon Trainer Sarah Offline
Expecto Patronum!
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Route 1
Posts: 8,137
Send a message via AIM to Pokemon Trainer Sarah Send a message via MSN to Pokemon Trainer Sarah
Default Re: Krade and his discovery.

That's not bad, but you need to battle against the Pokemon you're trying to catch.
Sorry, I might not have been clear enough about that.

You'll need to battle against Unown and maybe weaken it enough so that it can see you're a good trainer and would actually want to go with you, rather than just having it go along for no reason. ^^

EDIT: Nice battle. ^^ I can see you took my advice in describing the Pokemon more, too. Unown captured! Well done. Just try and work on your grammar a bit for future stories ^^

Last edited by Pokemon Trainer Sarah; 02-19-2007 at 07:08 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 02-19-2007, 12:26 PM
Shadow Kyogre GT2's Avatar
Shadow Kyogre GT2 Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 1)
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: You tell me.
Posts: 1,045
Default Re: Krade and his discovery.

Don't worry, I will.
__________________

Click on Dragonite and take the personality test! I'm BULBAFIED!!!
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:01 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com