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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 03-04-2007, 05:09 PM
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Default Infestation

Infestation: Prolouge
By Leman



A long time ago, actually about two hundred years ago, in a small farm in rural Virginia, there lived a tall, lanky, farmer called Jimmy-Bob-Joe. Jimmy-Bob-Joe lived in the most rural, empty part of Virginia. He was around forty-six years old, and was nearing the end of his life. He usually wore a pair of matted overalls, and tattered straw hat. His family had abandoned him, when the factory was built in Charlestown, which was about eighteen miles away.

There was no civilization for at least three miles around, except for a small market, where Jimmy-Bob-Joe usually sold his fruits and vegetables. Jimmy-Bob-Joe grew many things, including Eggplant, Corn, Beans, Squash, and Potatoes, but Jimmy-Bob-Joe’s main cash crop was Cotton. His entire life revolved around this one crop. Without the high demand of Cotton, all of his income would be about one third of what it was now, which wasn’t very much.

Jimmy-Bob-Joe was one of the few farmers in Virginia, who didn’t own any slaves. He was too poor, and believed that you should have just partner instead. For Jimmy-Bob-Joe, that partner was his trusty Ivysaur. Ivysaur was a small bluish-green Pokemon, with small round dark green spots that covered many parts of his body. The large pink plant that protruded out of his body was large, and plump. Ivysaur helped out on the farm, by using his Razor Leaf attack, to slice off the ripe cops, and using his Vine Whip to carry them away, into the shed. He also was able ward off any unwelcome customers.

His farm gathered most of the water from a small stream, which wrapped itself around the farm, bringing nutrients, and pests with it. Jimmy-Bob-Joe often sat there during the summer, soaking his feet in the warm waters.
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Last edited by Leman; 03-18-2007 at 06:17 AM.
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  #2  
Old 03-04-2007, 06:18 PM
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Default Re: Infestation


Infestation: Part one: Chapter One: The Lota' and the Cotton

By Leman



Note: Jimmy-Bob-Joe has an accent. If the graders don’t understand it, I will put up a glossary. Just IM/PM me.


On a warm, clear, night, in the summer of 1814, Jimmy-Bob-Joe, and his Ivysaur were sitting by the small stream by their farm, after a long day’s work, staring up at the sky.

“Wha’ do ya think dose lights are, all a-twinklin’ up dere?” Jimmy-Bob-Joe asked his Pokemon, in his gruff voice. He took a bony hand, and with one bony finger he pointed up at the stars.

Ivysaur did not know, and shrugged his shoulders. The pair starred up at the stars for a couple more minutes, fascinated in what they saw. There was a rustle of leaves behind them, and Jimmy-Bob-Joe spun around.

“Wha’ was dat?” he said, to Ivysaur.
There was a quick shuffle to the left of them, and they turned to face it.

Jimmy-Bob-Joe yelled, “Whos dere? Ill be a-commin’ with a woopping stick if ya don’ show yerslefs.”

The mysterious shuffler ran once again, this time running out of the cotton plant and making a splash in the small stream. Both of them were soaked.

“Gosh Darnit, Ivysaur, Dat piece o’ trash got away,” said Jimmy-Bob-Joe.

He turned to the stream and saw a small leaf floating in the water. “I hope ya’ll din’t take sum o’ mah crops! Cause if ya did, next time ya’ll come a-creepin’ along mah farm, I’ll bring out mah wooping stick, beat ya’ll till ya’ll don wanna come back no more!”

Jimmy-Bob-Joe turned around, and started to take a look at where the shuffler had been. He called Ivysaur over, and the Pokemon gasped, when he saw what happened. An entire plant had been completely uprooted. Jimmy-Bob-Joe was furious.

He stood up and said, “Ya better not come back here, cause then Ill lay a heavy beatin’ on ya, and yer cotton theivin’ ways, ya <words that were here were deleted by Leman due to improper language>“

After he was done screaming at the cotton thief, Jimmy-Bob-Joe turned and walked home. Ivysaur walked along beside him.

Jimmy-Bob-Joe finally came to the small shack in the middle of his farm, that he called home. He flopped down onto his bed, still furious at the loss of the entire cotton plant. After three hours lying awake, Jimmy-Bob-Joe, finally fell asleep. Ivysaur on the other hand was awake for much longer.

It kept recalling, how distraught Jimmy-Bob-Joe was when he saw that some of his cotton was stolen. Ivysaur decided to help him out, and he walked out the door.

The way farm was set up in rings. The inner most ring, had beans, corn, and squash, while the second ring contained, plants that grew under the ground, like potatoes, carrots, and onions. The next couple of rings had other types of fruits and vegetables, but Ivysaur was not interested in guarding those. He wanted to guard the cotton, which was on the outermost ring.

Once he got to the spot where the thief had struck before, Ivysaur sat down and waited for one of them to get out of the water, but there was nothing there, except for a broad, dish-like leaf. It slowly drifted over to the side of the stream, and bumped into it. Then the entire leaf lifted out of the water, and starred right at Ivysaur.

The leaf had a face, which had been under the water. It had a blue body, and small yellow lips. Its large eyes blinked; it was not expecting anyone to be here.

Ivysaur was just as stunned, as it had not thought that this leaf was alive. He took one of his long vines and slowly pushed the leaf pokemon to the other side of the lake. The Pokemon flopped around, trying to not let itself be pushed back. Unfortunately, he was not successful.

As Ivysaur pushed the Pokemon back, it let lose a large stream of water that shot across the farm. I knocked over a stalk of cotton, and slammed into Jimmy-Bob-Joe’s shack. A large “twang” sound echoed across the farm. A group of birds took off from a nearby tree, and the mysterious Pokemon dove under the water.

Jimmy-Bob-Joe, had been awoken by the noise, and quickly ran over to Ivysaur. When he reached to Ivysaur, he sat down, and tried to catch his breath.

“Wha’ happen, Ivysaur?” said Jimmy-Bob-Joe.

Ivysaur grabbed a stick, and began drawing a rough sketch of the Pokemon he ad seen in the dirt. When he had finished, he pointed to the stalk of cotton that had been knocked down.

“So dats our little thief. Lota’. It ruined mo’ o’ mah crops din’t it?” said Jimmy-Bob-Joe.

Ivysaur nodded.

Jimmy-Bob-Joe then replied, ”Den we’ll catch that Lota’ an’ get ri’ o’ it. Right, Ivysaur?”

Ivysaur nodded again, and Jimmy-Bob-Joe smiled. The two turned and walked home.

It was around two in the morning when the reached home, and this time both of them instantly fell asleep.
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Last edited by Leman; 03-04-2007 at 08:51 PM.
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  #3  
Old 03-04-2007, 10:04 PM
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Default Re: Infestation

Infestation: Part one: Chapter two:"Get rid o’ ya once an’ fo’ all"
By Leman


The next day, both Jimmy-Bob-Joe and Ivysaur woke at six o’clock in the morning to start the day’s work. Unlike today’s society a farmer has to work more in the summer, than in the winter.

Jimmy-Bob-Joe and Ivysaur started work, by harvesting the plants up in the front, and slowly working their way to the last ring. By the time they had gotten to the cotton ring, they had filled up four wheelbarrows with delicious crops. Jimmy-Bob-Joe was very happy, and so was Ivysaur. Ivysaur knew that for the next couple of weeks, he would eat like a king.

When Jimmy-Bob-Joe reached the cotton plants, he was pleased to see that no more plants had been destroyed, and most of them would be sold. The two of them quickly plucked almost all of the cotton. The entire farm looked bare, except for a lone patch of cotton, which was situated near the river. Ivysaur noticed the large, broad, leaf floating in the water.

“Well, I don’ thin’ dat dat Lota’ is a-commin’ back. Dats a relief,” said Jimmy-Bob-Joe, as Ivysaur handed him a large bundle of cotton with his long vines.

Ivysaur glanced at the leaf, and grabbed another bale of cotton. It nodded hesitantly.

Jimmy-Bob-Joe remained giddy for the good part of the next hour, and they had picked the last batch of the cotton. Suddenly the broad leaf lifted up, and out of the water, revealing Lotad’s face. The small cotton thief shot out a large blast of water at the cotton that Ivysaur was holding, and it flew out of his vine.

Lotad scrambled out of the water to get the cotton, and Jimmy-Bob-Joe yelled, “Darn ya, ya stupid Lota’. Wha’ da ya need cotton fo’? Ivysau’ use Vine Whip!”

Lotad was nearing the bundle of cotton, when two long green vine shot out of Ivysaur’s bulb. They reached over and grabbed Lotad by the leaf. The small Pokemon was lifted off the ground and its small legs continued to move, as if it was still running.

Ivysaur, now holding Lotad with one vine, took the other and whacked Lotad across the face. Lotad screeched, and a large bruise appeared on the side of his face. Lotad was angered, and growled angrily at Ivysaur.

“Ivysau’ gimme da cotton, please,” asked Jimmy-Bob-Joe.

Ivysaur extended his vines, to grab the cotton. They went right over Lotad, but he leapt up and bit Ivysaur’s vine. Its small teeth sank into the vine, and Ivysaur shook it violently to knock the small Pokemon off but Lotad held strong.

“Sola’ Beam, Ivysaur!” said Jimmy-Bob-Joe.

Ivysaur pulled the small nuisance above his bulb, as he charged up for Solar Beam, by absorbing sunlight. As Lotad saw what was happening, Lotad screamed, let go of Ivysaur’s vine, and scrambled to the ground. Ivysaur fired the long, yellow beam into the sky, scarcely missing Lotad.

As Lotad hit the floor, he grabbed a stick, and brandished it like a sword. Ivysaur did the same with his good vine, as the other one was close to being severed. Lotad lunged at Ivysaur with his stick, and Ivysaur knocked it away easily. The tiny little Pokemon jumped up and down, suddenly lunging, and then retreating, trying to hit Ivysaur. Ivysaur easily knocked Lotad’s attacks with his own stick.

Jimmy-Bob-Joe stared at the small thief with awe. The Pokemon were in a sword fight! “Dis is so weird,” he thought out loud
Ivysaur started with a volley of his own attacks, which were expertly blocked by Lotad. Ivysaur tried to hit him from above, and Lotad leapt to the right. He quickly took the stick and poked Ivysaur in the stomach, as Ivysaur’s stick hit the ground and snapped. Lotad hit Ivysaur with stick again, and then shot out a blast of water at Ivysaur. Ivysaur was sent flying backwards and landed on his feat.

“Razo’ Leaf, Ivysau’, an’ den use Body Sla’,” said Jimmy-Bob-Joe happily, as saw that Lotad was tiring.

Ivysaur shot out a volley of razor sharp leaves, which sliced Lotad. Lotad closed his eyes, and tried to protect himself with his stick, but the leaves just sliced that up. They inflicted nasty cuts all along his body. When Lotad opened his eyes, he came face to face with Ivysaur’s charge. He was knocked back into the bushes, and lay on his leaf, weakly trying to flip himself right side up.

“Dis’ll get rid o’ ya once an’ fo’ all,” said Jimmy-Bob-Joe, tossing a red and white sphere at the weakened Pokemon.

The ball engulfed the little Pokemon, and it began to shake.

Pokemon to catch: Lotad
Characters needed: 10k
Characters w/spaces: 11k
Characters w/out spaces: 9k
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  #4  
Old 03-07-2007, 09:43 PM
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Default Re: Infestation

Story: It was very cute, and I love how it took place in a real, historical setting. It's fun to imagine Pokemon being in 1800's Virginia. XD Very original, and I commend you for this.

Grammar: Great, no errors that were noticable, and the ones

Length: I never take this into account much, but it's certainly fine for a Lotad.

Detail: Not too little and not too much, and it certainly does justice for the reader.

Battle: A well balanced battle, and just long and juicy enough for a Lotad.

Outcome: Lotad captured!

I'm so sorry about the short grade, but I felt that you did a well enough job for this Pokemon. ^-^

-Tara
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  #5  
Old 03-08-2007, 12:17 AM
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Default Re: Infestation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ham and Cheese View Post
Story: It was very cute, and I love how it took place in a real, historical setting. It's fun to imagine Pokemon being in 1800's Virginia. XD Very original, and I commend you for this.

Grammar: Great, no errors that were noticable, and the ones

Length: I never take this into account much, but it's certainly fine for a Lotad.

Detail: Not too little and not too much, and it certainly does justice for the reader.

Battle: A well balanced battle, and just long and juicy enough for a Lotad.

Outcome: Lotad captured!

I'm so sorry about the short grade, but I felt that you did a well enough job for this Pokemon. ^-^

-Tara


Yes! Thank you for grading this!
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  #6  
Old 03-18-2007, 06:15 AM
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Default Re: Infestation

Infestation: Part two: Weedle Warrior
By Leman


It had been about nine months since the small Lotad had attacked, and nearly destroyed the cotton. Jimmy-Bob-Joe still had no idea why it had wanted the cotton. After he had captured it, Lotad had become surprisingly more civilized. It had not desperately thrown itself at the heaps of cotton, but instead the tiny critter help Ivysaur and Jimmy-Bob-Joe cut down plants with his Razor leaf attack. He carried seed back from the market when Jimmy-Bob-Joe and Ivysaur, and even helped rid the farm of pests such as Caterpie and Rattata.

News had reached their small farm, that Andrew Jackson had become the next President of the United States of America, after an obvious victory over John Quincy Adams. Jimmy-Bob-Joe had literally jumped for joy when he had heard this new yelling, “I knew he wou’ win! I jus’ knew it!” Ivysaur and Lotad both were happy as Jimmy-Bob-Joe, even though Lotad had no idea why they were happy.

Jimmy-Bob-Joe, and his two Pokemon were sitting beneath their large Apple tree after replanting the entire farm, and the re-irrigating it. The large branches shielded their skin from the blazing July heat.

Jimmy-Bob-Joe took a bite out of the end of the Apple he was holding. He turned to Lotad, and said, “Well, you been a grea’ help en all, but I was wonde’in’ why you been stelin’ cotton, an den all of a sudden you don’ wan’ it no more?”

Lotad shrugged.

“Well, ya wouldn’ know would ya? Nah, you don’ know. Man, dis apple tree wa’ ripe migh’y early. I wonda’ why?” Jimmy-Bob-Joe said.

Jimmy-Bob-Joe shifted into a more comfortable position. He started to imagine what the next barrel of crops would look like, a how much that would make. Soon, he drifted off to sleep.

Ivysaur had also fallen asleep next to Jimmy-Bob-Joe. They both looked quite exhausted. Lotad, on the other hand was full of energy. It scurried around the base of the tree following ants, and chasing Sentret away. As he was prodding a root of the tree trying to make it move, he heard something rustle in the treetops. The leafy branches shook, as something move along behind the branches. Lotad tried to figure out what it was, but quickly gave up. He thought he’ll just find out.

Lotad leapt up onto the trunk of the tree as the rustling continued. As Lotad went up higher up the tree, gravity started to kick in. He was pulled back, and down to the ground, right on top of Ivysaur’s head.

The sleeping Pokemon woke with a start. He yelled out very loudly, leapt back, and fired out razor sharp leaves in front of him. Some stuck in the tree, while others flew out in the fields, until they lost momentum and flopped to the ground.

Jimmy-Bob-Joe wasn’t awoken, but simply rolled over and mumbled, “Dats righ’ Lota’. Jus’ like dat.”

Lotad started to laugh at the both of them as Ivysaur growled and extended its vines. It was getting ready to whack the small Pokemon when it heard the rustling overhead. It looked upward, and extended its vines to the spot where the rustling was.

The long vines closed around a long slimy figure. The vines were retracted, and a small orangish-yellow worm appeared, with a leaf hanging from its red mouth. It was holding onto the leaf with a pair of small legs. It had two stingers, one large one on its head, and another on its tail.

Ivysaur held the little worm in the air for a little while longer, and it said, ”Weedle,” in a squeaky voice. Weedle raised the stinger on its tail, and jammed it into Ivysaur’s vine. Ivysaur yelped, and dropped the worm. Ivysaur then began to ten to its Vine, as the worm wiggled away.

The worm seemed to chuckle as it scooted away slowly. Lotad, who had been watching, but was still full of energy, leapt in front of the runaway worm. It inhaled, and let loose a jet of water at the small foe. It yelled, and was knocked backwards. It hit a tree, dropped the leaf that it was eating, and began to growl.

Weedle shot out a thing strand of silk at Ivysaur, binding its head up in sticky string. Blinded, Ivysaur began waving its vines wildly, hoping it would hit something. Lotad shot out another jet of water at the bug, but this time, using the string Weedle maneuvered itself out of harms way.

Ivysaur started to charge, still waving its vine madly. It raced forwards, and hit the tree with a tremendous thud. Ivysuar groaned as ripe apples started to tumbled out of the tree, and right on top of Lotad’s head. With a small “plop”, Lotad was out cold.

Weedle jabbed one of its stingers into Ivysaur again, as it was massaging its head. Ivysaur yelped again, and leapt up into the air. It growled, and faced where he believed the Weedle was, and started to shoot clouds of greenish-blue dust into the air. They rained down upon both Lotad (who, at this point, had woken up), and Weedle. Almost instantly both of the small Pokemon fell asleep.

Ivysaur began feeling around for Weedle, eventually found the worm, curled up in ball snoring softly. It began prodding the Pokemon with its vines. Suddenly, Ivysaur made a huge swi0pe at the sleeping Pokemon with its vine. The Weedle jiggled a bit, but remained asleep.

Ivysaur, then began to prod Jimmy-Bob-Joe.

He mumbled, “Here ya go Ivysau’. Dat Pokeball ya asked fo’.”

Jimmy-Bob-Joe stuck his hand into his pocket, took out a Pokeball, and handed it to Ivysuar. The Pokemon was perplexed as to why he was given the Pokeball. He set the Pokeball on the ground, and began to take the silk off of his face. As it was removed, he saw Lotad sleeping on top of a pile of apples, the Weedle sleeping in a ball, and the Pokeball that he had set down earlier.

“Ivy, Ivysaur,” he mumbled, (which probably meant, “Ah, what the heck?”), tossing the Pokball over his head, as he walked away from the tree, not waiting to see if the Weedle was caught.

Pokemon to catch Weedle
Characters needed: 5k
Characters w/spaces: 6k
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Last edited by Leman; 04-20-2007 at 04:28 AM.
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  #7  
Old 03-18-2007, 06:37 AM
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Default Re: Infestation

Story: Nothing really "wowed" me here, but it was perfect for a Weedle. This made me think of something Shadow Link would write, seeing as how your character has a ridiculous, yet funny name - the strange accent worked well, too. Could this be a rare, Pokemon redneck? The cotton and president things certainly seemed to imply it. Pretty original idea, I have to say.

Spelling/Grammar: Good for the most part, although I found some sentence fragments and the word 'apple' capitalized.

Quote:
The worm seemed to chuckle as it scooted away slowly. Lotad, who had been watching, but was still full of energy, leapt in front of the runaway worm. It inhaled, and let loose a jet of water at the small foe. It yelled, and was knocked backwards. It hit a tree, dropped the leaf that it was eating, and began to growl.
The second sentence has a word or two that doesn't make sense in there, and the next two could be combined so they are not incomplete sentences. Watch out for things like this in the future.

Detail/Description: There are good details here, but many things weren't described - the Pokemon, the character, apple trees, etc. I can let this slide for something like a little worm, but rarer Pokemon will need to have many things described in length. Even if this isn't something you're strong in, it's important that you let the reader know what things look like.

Length: Perfect for the orange ... bug.

Battle: Just insane - I feel sorry for the Lotad. Ivysaur was pretty smart, though - smarter than his owner, it seemed. This was of a decent length and well written, and I'm glad to see it's not as cliche as some of the battles that are done here.

Outcome: Weedle Captured! - Remember, more of everything is good.
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Old 03-18-2007, 03:13 PM
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Default Re: Infestation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Megumi View Post
Story: Nothing really "wowed" me here, but it was perfect for a Weedle. This made me think of something Shadow Link would write, seeing as how your character has a ridiculous, yet funny name - the strange accent worked well, too. Could this be a rare, Pokemon redneck? The cotton and president things certainly seemed to imply it. Pretty original idea, I have to say.

Spelling/Grammar: Good for the most part, although I found some sentence fragments and the word 'apple' capitalized.



The second sentence has a word or two that doesn't make sense in there, and the next two could be combined so they are not incomplete sentences. Watch out for things like this in the future.

Detail/Description: There are good details here, but many things weren't described - the Pokemon, the character, apple trees, etc. I can let this slide for something like a little worm, but rarer Pokemon will need to have many things described in length. Even if this isn't something you're strong in, it's important that you let the reader know what things look like.

Length: Perfect for the orange ... bug.

Battle: Just insane - I feel sorry for the Lotad. Ivysaur was pretty smart, though - smarter than his owner, it seemed. This was of a decent length and well written, and I'm glad to see it's not as cliche as some of the battles that are done here.

Outcome: Weedle Captured! - Remember, more of everything is good.

Yay, I caught it! Thank you Megumi.
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  #9  
Old 07-15-2007, 12:17 AM
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Default Re: Infestation

Infestation: Part Three: Bird Bandit
by Leman



The hot Virginian Summer turned quickly into Autumn, which rolled by just as fast. Jimmy-Bob-Joe, Ivysaur, Lotad, and Weedle planted quickly, and thoroughly, before the harsh winter came. Snow fell from the sky, giving the ground a shiny white coat. Soon Spring rolled around, and with it came rain. Lots of rain. And some unwanted company.

“Well, wouldja look a’ dat!” said Jimmy-Bob-Joe on one of the first mornings of spring, peering out his hut’s only window, “I’s Sprin’! I can see da rain outside der! C’mon!”

His Pokemon stirred, and mumbled sleepily. Ivysaur, despite his usual hardworking manner, had steadily grown lazier with the help of the newcomers. It wasn’t that much of a letdown, to Jimmy-Bob-Joe though. He had Lotad, one of the most energetic Pokemon he had ever seen. As soon as Jimmy-Bob-Joe opens the wooden door to the farm, Lotad shot out like a bullet, into the rain. There he danced happily letting the large leaf on its head fill up with rain water, and tossing it out, like it was a game.

Next out the door was Weedle, inching his way through the rain, with Jimmy-Bob-Joe following. Using its large red nose as a guide for his curiosity, he picked up an odor through the rain quickly, and slowly began his search. Within the minute he found the source; a small baby plant.

Jimmy-Bob-Joe stood over Weedle, clutching a tattered old umbrella, and chuckled.

“Dats one o’ da cotton plants, Weedle,” he said, “Looks it doin’ good.” He smiled.

Suddenly there was a flash, a screech, a blast of cold air. Jimmy-Bob-Joe blinked and the tiny plant was gone.

He opened his mouth in surprise and said, “Where did dat plant go?”

His question was answered with a quick screech for the sky. All three looked up, even Lotad, who had stopped dancing earlier. It was a small brown bird, with patches of white dotted on its body, and a brilliant orange beak, holding the tiny plant. It quickly swallowed it.

Jimmy-Bob-Joe swelled up with rage. He was extremely protective of his cotton plants. “Weedle, use String shot, Lota’ use Watah Gun!” he roared.

They did as they were told. Weedle fired a long strand of silk into the sky, only to have it pushed back down by the rain. Lotad had a little more luck. I blasted a jet of water strait at the bird, which broke into a dive, narrowly avoided the attack. Lotad shifted its aim to try and hit it, but it was to evasive.

While it descended, Jimmy-Bob-Joe yelled, “Weedle Poison Stin’!”
Coiling its back end like a spring, Weedle leapt of the ground, and drove its single horn into the bird’s backside. It winced horribly, and grabbed Weedle with its foot, but stopped paying attention to its flying.

Lotad’s blast hit it right on its chest as it tumbled back through the air, with Weedle still clutched in its talons.

Jimmy-Bob-Joe smiled. He thought he was winning.

The bird recovered from the attack, and shot up into the air. It circled a bit, with Weedle in its claws still. Lotad, and Jimmy-Bob-Joe watched. They had never seen this sort of tactic before. “Was the bird going to eat it?” wondered Lotad.

Lotad was wrong. The bird let go.

Just then, the door to the hut clicked open, and Ivysaur walked out slowly yawning. It stopped moving when it saw Weedle falling. Jimmy-Bob-Joe began to panic, and yelled, “Ivysau’! Ivysau’! Catch Weedle!”

Ivysaur’s newfound lazy nature decided that it was too much effort. He yawned, and sat down underneath the window. Lotad, however, decided to be brave. It leapt from the ground, and underneath Weedle, hoping to catch it.

Weedle shot straight down, and slammed on Lotad’s rain filled leaf. Both hit the ground hard.

Jimmy-Bob-Joe ran over to where his two Pokemon were laying. Weedle was out cold, and there was a large hole in Lotad’s leaf. All the water drained right out of it. Jimmy-Bob-Joe bit his lip, picked them up and hurried inside, but stopping to throw an angry look at Ivysaur. It lumbered in behind him, curled up, and watched him.

Jimmy-Bob-Joe walked over to his bed and laid the two injured Pokemon on top of the bed spread. Then he walked over to the other side of the hut, and opened up a cabinet. He grabbed a couple of glass vials and a box of bandages. Then he walked back to Lotad and Weedle, began tending to their wounds. Ivysaur watched.

In a half an hour, he was finished with their wounds. He put the vials back.

“I ‘ope I did dat right. Da instrashuns are mighty tiny. I dink dat day’ll be fine,” he said with a smile, but that smile flipped once he saw Ivysaur. “Now Ivysau’,” he began, “Why didn’t ja help Weedle?”

“Ivy, Ivy Ivysaur,” he said with shrug, which probably meant, “I didn’t feel like it.”

Jimmy-Bob-Joe swelled up with rage again, and yelled, “Why not?” The vein in his temple was throbbing horribly.
“Ivysaur Ivysaur Ivy Ivysaur saur,” he said again, with a yawn this time. That probably meant, “I didn’t want to. I’m too lazy.”

“Well den!” roared Jimmy-Bob-Joe, “I’m jus’ gonna haf to un-lazify you!” he said, somewhat lamely.

He grabbed his tattered umbrella, one of Ivysaur’s long vines, and pulled him out the door. He pulled Ivysaur through the farm, and let go underneath the large apple tree. The entire tree was covered with plump red apples.

“Dere!” said Jimmy-Bob-Joe angrily, “I’m gonna make you work! Pick da apples!”

Ivysaur yawned, and sat down at the base of the tree. Jimmy-Bob-Joe screamed in anger, “Why a’ you so lazy now?!” He brought is foot up and brought it down hard on Ivysaurs head.

Ivysaur yelped and rubbed its eye with one vine. Then he stretched the other into the tree and snatched an apple from the lowest branch and placed it in between the two of them.

“Saur,” it said angrily, meaning “There”

“Fin’ly,” said Jimmy-Bob-Joe, “You are fin’ly bein’ not lazy? Righ’?”

“Ivy..” said Ivysaur, which must have meant, “ I think…”

“Well, dats ok. As long as you isn’t gonna be lazy no mo’” said Jimmy-Bob-Joe, with a small smile.

“Saur,” it said, which meant, “Fine”

“Good! “ he said. He glanced at the apple and said, “You can eat dat, if ya want.”

Ivysaur smiled. He lifted the large red fruit to his mouth, and there was a flash, and a screech. A gust of cool wet hit them, making the two blink, and the apple was gone. This time Jimmy-Bob-Joe wasn’t as confused or bewildered. He knew what was going on. He looked up and sure enough the grayish brown bird was resting on a branch eating the apple it had just stolen.

“Use Razo’ Leaf, Ivysaur!” yelled Jimmy-Bob-Joe.

Ivysaur did as it was told; firing huge leaves the size of Frisbees at the bird. The bird screeched and dropped the apple. It flew up, with some of the leaves slashing ay its tail, the other flying into the tree. The half eaten apple fell to the ground.

Jimmy-Bob-Joe yelled, “Agai’!”

Ivysaur fired another volley of Frisbee sized leaves at the bird. The bird shrieked and tried to dodge the leaves. It was successful, and broke into a dive, flying straight at Ivysaur.

“Vine Whip Attack, Ivysau’!” ordered Jimmy-Bob-Joe.

Ivysaur lashed out at it with its long vines. The bird simply moved to the side when the vine came swiping down at it, and continued flying towards Ivysaur. Ivysaur tried to move out the way when the bird got close, but he was too slow. The brown menace crashed into Ivysaur with tremendous force, sending them both flying backwards. Jimmy-Bob-Joe groaned.

The bird, seemingly unfazed by the crash, shot back at Ivysaur, which the same force. Ivysaur slowly got up. It was grunting and groaning in pain. It tried smacking the powerful, little Pokemon with one of its vines. Again, it was too slow, and the bird slammed into him, sending him flying backwards into the tree.

The tree shook, with the force of the impact, and large stick fell from one of the top branches onto the plant-dinosaur’s head with a loud clunk. Ivysaur groaned. It slowly got on to its feet.

When the bird saw that Ivysaur was still standing, it began its third charging attack. This time, Ivysaur was ready for it. It shot out its vines like they were grappling hooks, and grabbed the bird’s feet. Using the force from the bird’s flight, he whirled it around and slammed it into the side of the tree.

They winced horribly, but no sound came. Its beak was lodged in the side of the tree.

“We got ‘em, Ivysau’!” yelled Jimmy-Bob-Joe happily, “Finish it wi’ a Slug Baw!”

Ivysaur scooted back a little bit, and pointed the pink bulb on its back towards the grayish-brown bird. The bulb was overflowing with a purplish liquid.

“Ivysaur!!!” it roared as the top of the bulb exploded sending a ball of disgusting goop hurtling towards the bird.

The goop slammed into it, pushed it right out of the tree, sideways, and into mushy, wet the ground. The bird didn’t retaliate.

Smiling, Ivysaur walked over to its apple, and continued eating it. Jimmy-Bob-Joe, however, grabbed a ball from one of pockets in his overalls, and tossed it at the bird.


Btw at the end there Slug baw=Sludge Bomb in his accent.

Pokemon to catch: Starly
Characters needed: 10k
Characters w/spaces: 9k
Characters w/out spaces: 7.5k
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Last edited by Leman; 07-15-2007 at 09:02 PM.
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  #10  
Old 07-17-2007, 10:07 PM
Seawolf's Avatar
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Default Re: Infestation

You think you should thank me, hmm? I'm not sure I want to do this now. =P

Story: The further adventures of the eccentric Jimmy Bob Joe, whose accent is a force to be reckoned with. I liked this particular chapter; it was crazy, fun to read, and didn't have too many errors. The battle probably took up most of the story, though, which to me is something you want to avoid. As interesting as this was, I think you should concentrate more on that in the future; I wouldn't mind seeing more of this character and his colorful assortment of Pokemon.

I know you provide a history of this story in your first post, but maybe going into that or a backstory of Jimmy would be something to think about.

Spelling/Grammar: I really didn't find too much here. I only found a couple of minor things, which I'll just post for you to edit later, if you wish.

Quote:
I blasted a jet of water strait at the bird, which broke into a dive, narrowly avoided the attack.
I think you mean to say 'It', if you're referring to the Lotad, and 'straight'. You spelled it incorrectly. If this was just a result of typing too fast, be careful... tiny mistakes like this that can easily be fixed can sneak up on you like that.

Quote:
“We got ‘em, Ivysau’!” yelled Jimmy-Bob-Joe happily, “Finish it wi’ a Slug Baw!”
'Finish' doesn't need to be capitalized, since you ended the last word before the dialogue with a comma instead of a period. =P

Quote:
Ivysaur did as it was told; firing huge leaves the size of Frisbees at the bird.
I think this was the only place where your semicolon use was incorrect, which is awesome. Anyway, the part of this sentence after the semicolon isn't a full sentence on its own (it's an incomplete one, in this case), so you would just use a comma here. Good work here, otherwise.

Length: This is good for Starly, and since it's common, I won't yell at you for having more battling here than an actual story. Perfect marks for this section.

Detail/Description: As I mentioned before, I think that accent basically steals the show. I think I spent most of my time reading this trying to figure out what was being said...

In terms of details, this was enough for the little bird, but as always, I think you could have done better. When you write something like, "They fell to the ground hard..." or something like that, you could say what it sounded like, how the characters reacted to it, and so on. Small things like that can really make a difference, and I think you have the capacity to add more details in future stories, no matter how tedious it is. Taking the time to add two or three sentences describing a house, a Pokemon, and other things like that would also be great; I know that you can attract at least one more reader just by doing that alone. While the battle was great, it was the rest of the story that I was focusing on, and you didn't put in as much effort there as you did with the battle. Your Pokemon still manage to have vibrant personalities, however, and that's the one detail I liked best.

These are important to any story, so make sure to pay attention to any detail you can, especially if you're going for something much more rare. You will need them.

Battle: Insane, full of action, different attacks were used, Starly actually fought back... the details were also good, as I just said. Nice job here, overall.

This was probably the best part of the story, although I think you should cut back on this particular section and focus more on the story with future works. This was great, but it shouldn't take up all of your writing. I'll let you off the hook, for now.

Outcome: Starly Captured!
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Last edited by Seawolf; 07-19-2007 at 05:51 AM.
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  #11  
Old 07-17-2007, 11:05 PM
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Default Re: Infestation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Megumi View Post
Grade to come soon. :p
Yay! Thank you so much. (I think)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Megumi View Post
You think you should thank me, hmm? I'm not sure I want to do this now. =P

Story: The further adventures of the crazy Jimmy Bob Joe, whose accent is a force to be reckoned with. I liked this particular chapter; it was crazy, fun to read, and didn't have too many errors. The battle probably took up most of the story, though, which to me is something you want to avoid. As interesting as this was, I think you should concentrate more on that in the future; I wouldn't mind seeing more of this character and his colorful assortment of Pokemon.

I know you provide a history of this story in your first post, but maybe going into that or a backstory of Jimmy would be something to think about.

Spelling/Grammar: I really didn't find too much here. I only found a couple of minor things, which I'll just post for you to edit later, if you wish.



I think you mean to say 'It', if you're referring to the Lotad, and 'straight'. You spelled it incorrectly. If this was just a result of typing too fast, be careful... tiny mistakes like this that can easily be fixed can sneak up on you like that.



'Finish' doesn't need to be capitalized, since you ended the last word before the dialogue with a comma instead of a period. =P



I think this was the only place where your semicolon use was incorrect, which is awesome. Anyway, the part of this sentence after the semicolon isn't a full sentence on its own (it's an incomplete one, in this case), so you would just use a comma here. Good work here, otherwise.

Length: This is good for Starly, and since it's common, I won't yell at you for having more battling here than an actual story. Perfect marks for this section.

Detail/Description: As I said before, I think that accent basically steals the show. I think I spent most of my time reading this trying to figure out what was being said...

In terms of details, this was enough for the little bird, but as always, I think you could have done better. When you write something like, "They fell to the ground hard..." or something like that, you could say what it sounded like, how the characters reacted to it, and so on. Small things like that can really make a difference, and I think you have the capacity to add more details in future stories, no matter how tedious it is. Taking the time to add two or three sentences describing a house, a Pokemon, and other things like that would also be great; I know that you can attract at least one more reader just by doing that alone. While the battle was great, it was the rest of the story that I was focusing on, and you didn't put in as much effort there as you did with the battle. Your Pokemon still manage to have vibrant personalities, however, and that's the one detail I liked best.

These are important to any story, so make sure to pay attention to any detail you can, especially if you're going for something much more rare. You will need them.

Battle: Insane, full of action, different attacks were used, Starly actually fought back... the details were also good, as I just said. Nice job here, overall.

This was probably the best part of the story, although I think you should cut back on this particular section and focus more on the story with future works. This was great, but it shouldn't take up all of your writing. I'll let you off the hook, for now.

Outcome: Starly Captured!
Yay!! Thank you. Funny thing is usually I'm told my battles are too short. lol. Thanks a lot.
__________________
My VPP

Done: 8680

I don't ref forum battles/1v1s. Don't PM me to ref, IM me instead.
I need to have basic battles.

I grade week old stories that are Hard rank or lower. :)



Last edited by Leman; 07-18-2007 at 10:53 PM.
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