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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 03-18-2007, 08:13 PM
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Default The Troublesome Taillow!

-Part 1-

Ryan had just got a new Pokemon. He was delighted about having four Pokemon by his side. It was nighttime and Ryan decided to sleep outside to see how it feels. He put down his Pokemon and put them right beside him. “Good night!” Ryan fell asleep. He dozed off in a world of his own. Then he felt something on his cheek. He waved up his hand and it went away. He felt it again. He waved his hand once again and it flew off again. The thing did it again. Ryan woke up and figured it was a Pokemon. He rubbed his eyes. He noticed the Pokemon was red, white, and, blue. It had a bird figure. Ryan felt good looking at it. He made up his mind. He wanted to catch it. “Elekid, let’s go. Thundershock.” Ryan looked back to see that everyone was asleep except Poliwag.

“Okay little guy. Use a Water Gun!”

Poliwag got in front of Ryan and started to blast out the water. Then, it started to walk back slowly to trainer. He noticed the bird was going straight for it.

It pecked the poor tadpole with its long beak. The tadpole took a lot damage.

“No! Poliwag try a Doubleslap!” Ryan shouted in a low voice, trying not to wake anyone up.

Poliwag started slapping Taillow multiple times with its fin.

Taillow got down and got back up. It made multiple mimics of itself. Now there was more than one Taillow.

“Okay Poliwag, hit each and every one of them with Water Gun!”

Poliwag bursted out water at all of the copies of Taillow and hit the real one. The Taillow fell down and was on the ground again. It got up easily and threw a Gust of wind at the Poliwag.

“Poliwag get up! Use another Doubleslap!” Poliwag hit Taillow with its fin again multiple times.

Last edited by RawrIsMyMiddleName; 03-18-2007 at 08:45 PM.
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  #2  
Old 03-18-2007, 08:14 PM
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Default Re: The Troublesome Taillow!

-Part 2-


Taillow fell down once again and got back up for the third time. Taillow made a swift run much like Vulpix’s Quick Attack and hit Poliwag.

“Poliwag move! Now, another Water Gun!”

Poliwag moved to the side and then spit out some more water at Taillow.

Taillow got down for the fourth time and once again, got up. It jumped up and pecked Poliwag again with its enormous beak.

Poliwag moved back closer to Ryan and barely got hit. The place got darker.

Ryan could barely see without a flashlight. Ryan grabbed flashlight and shouted, “Poliwag use Hypnosis and sing that Pokemon a lullaby!”

Poliwag sang a lullaby to Taillow and made it fall to the ground and sleep. It couldn’t attack anymore. It was fast asleep.

“Now Poliwag, before it wakes up! Water Gun!” Ryan commanded. He wanted this Pokemon.

Poliwag threw yet another burst of water at Taillow. It hit and Taillow was still asleep. The other Pokemon woke up. Elekid, Vulpix, and Meowth were watching. They cheered on Poliwag.

Poliwag looked back. He saw the Pokemon cheering for it.

“Now Poliwag, Bubble!”

Poliwag threw out bubbles out of its mouth. It hit the sleeping Taillow. It hit hard enough for Taillow to wake up.

It got up and started to dash toward Poliwag. It hit Poliwag for revenge.

“No! Poliwag fight back with another Doubleslap! Show Poliwag what you’re made of!” Ryan shouted attracting many people in their pajamas.

Last edited by RawrIsMyMiddleName; 03-18-2007 at 08:43 PM.
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  #3  
Old 03-18-2007, 08:15 PM
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Default Re: The Troublesome Taillow!

-Part 3-

Poliwag started to hit the Taillow with its fin again. It hit multiple times. Poliwag jumped and made an awesome back flip.

The colorful bird still got up. It went up and threw a strike with its claw. It hit with an attack called Aerial Ace.

Ryan was disappointed.

The small tadpole was almost out of energy, and the little bird was too.

“Okay, another Water Gun Poliwag! Give it your all! Don’t give up!”

Poliwag didn’t give up. He stayed strong and started to blast out more water to Taillow.

“More Poliwag! Hit more!” The tadpole blasted even more water at the bird. It hit more and more.

Taillow still didn’t faint. It just stayed good. The bird Pokemon got back up and made another dash. It hit Poliwag again with another Quick Attack. It hit Poliwag.

The young tadpole still didn’t want to give up. It kept on staying up. It didn’t want to disappoint Ryan.

“Okay Poliwag Doubleslap! You can do this!” The young boy screamed. His Pokemon did it.

The Pokemon’s fin slapped and slapped the Taillow over and over again.

Taillow still stayed though.

Ryan still didn’t take it out. “That was good Poliwag! Great!” Ryan shouted with joy.

The colorful red, white, and blue bird still got up. It hit the poor little tadpole Pokemon with a gust of wind. The gust of wind, Wing Attack, hit Poliwag and put it out.

Poliwag was lying on the floor and got back up in two seconds.

“One more time Poliwag, Water Gun!” Ryan shouted as he hoped it would be the final attack of the battle.

Poliwag threw one more burst of water at Taillow and almost knocked it out.

Ryan thought it was close to time. He still needed one or two more attacks to win and hopefully catch Taillow.

Taillow got back up and dashed towards Poliwag with another Quick Attack. It stroke Poliwag quickly and made it do much damage.

“Okay, Poliwag another attack use a Doubleslap and Water Gun combo!” Ryan shouted very loudly. Ryan was almost there to catch the red, white, and blue bird.

Poliwag hit the bird with its fin multiple times again and again; they went over and over again. Then, it wrapped everything up by throwing out one more burst of water.

Ryan knew it was time now. He began to pull out a Pokeball. “Okay now. Pokeball, go!” Ryan shouted as he threw a Pokeball at the colorful bird. The ball started dinging. Ryan waited patiently. Once…Twice…Third…and…

Last edited by RawrIsMyMiddleName; 03-18-2007 at 08:42 PM.
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  #4  
Old 03-18-2007, 08:16 PM
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Default Re: The Troublesome Taillow!

Grade Needed

Pokemon to capture: Taillow
Characters: 5,409
Pokemon Level: Simple
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  #5  
Old 03-18-2007, 08:19 PM
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Default Re: The Troublesome Taillow!

:: Grade In Progress::

=P In other words, I call dibs on grading this one.


This is, again, a good story. However, you seem to be having some grammar issues. First of all, your posts are not split up. This makes them difficult to read. You need to remember to make a new paragraph when something new is happening, and whenever someone new speaks.

Second, you appear to be missing some words in your sentences. For example, He was delighted having four Pokemon by his side. Between delighted and having, there should be some sort of connecting word. He was delighted at having four Pokemon by his side would work, or he was delighted to have four Pokemon by his side, would work. But you do need some sort of transition.

You also switched tenses oddly in one place. It was nighttime and Ryan decided to sleep outside to see how it feels. is confusing. Feels is present- he feels the book, she feels the wind on her face- and your sentence has intent, meaning future tense. Ryan decided to sleep outside to see how it would feel makes more sense. Or, Ryan had decided to sleep out to see how it feels would work, and then from there you could continue in the present tense with discussing how it feels, or having him fall asleep.

Also, you have him dreaming before he puts his Pokemon down and goes to sleep. o.0 That needs to be reordered.

Ryan waking up should, again, be a new paragraph.

Try to avoid words like good unless you are actually speaking about someone doing a good job, or using another phrase like that. For example, The tadpole took good damage is an ambigious sentence. To Poliwag, taking no damage would be a good thing, but to its opponent, having Poliwag take a lot of damage would be good. Try using a quantifying word, like a lot of damage, instead.


Please go back and fix your grammar and other issues, and then I'll regrade. =) But, for the moment, Taillow Not Captured.
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My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.

Last edited by FireflyK; 03-18-2007 at 08:25 PM.
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  #6  
Old 03-18-2007, 08:20 PM
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Default Re: The Troublesome Taillow!

Ok. I really want Taillow. I'm aiming for a Pokemon from each type.
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  #7  
Old 03-18-2007, 08:35 PM
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Default Re: The Troublesome Taillow!

Could you tell me what chapters my mistakes are in? I cant' find 'em.
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  #8  
Old 03-18-2007, 08:37 PM
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Default Re: The Troublesome Taillow!

The ones I pointed out are in the first chapter. However, all three chapters need to be spaced out with proper paragraphs.
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My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.
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  #9  
Old 03-18-2007, 08:39 PM
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Default Re: The Troublesome Taillow!

Is it good now?

Could I be re-graded?
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  #10  
Old 03-18-2007, 08:42 PM
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Default Re: The Troublesome Taillow!

You need to fix the 3rd sentence in the first post. It says he dreamt about catching another Pokemon... But he doesn't fall asleep until 2 sentences or so later.

Also, please space out all the chapters, not just the first one.

Finally, try to add some transitions. Poliwag got in front of Ryan and started to blast out the water. Poliwag started to walk back slowly to Ryan. This was a bit awkward to read. Try using a variation. Use he or she for Poliwag, or the Tadpole Pokemon, or something aside from Poliwag. Or, you could say something similiar to Poliwag got in front of Ryan and started to blast out water. Then, it started to walk slowly back towards its trainer.
__________________

My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.
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  #11  
Old 03-18-2007, 08:45 PM
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Default Re: The Troublesome Taillow!

3rd time is the charm. Is it good now.
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  #12  
Old 03-18-2007, 08:47 PM
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Default Re: The Troublesome Taillow!

Much better. You still have some errors- Bursted instead of burst, and the flashlight bit is a little off- but you have improved.

Taillow Captured.
Next time, however, work on spacing and grammar more carefully, please.
__________________

My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.
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  #13  
Old 03-18-2007, 08:48 PM
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Default Re: The Troublesome Taillow!

I will. To stats!

Next story: Presenting- Paras!
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