Member List
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

Thread Tools
Old 01-22-2007, 06:30 PM
AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
AmericanTreeFrog Offline
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Pacific northwest
Posts: 2,794
Send a message via AIM to AmericanTreeFrog
Default A weird challenge

This is a story about a competition that turned sour; it started on a mild august day.

I woke up with a snap. Looking around I realized that I had fallen asleep and dreamed.
After I had calmed down I leaned back against the tree, where I had fallen asleep. With a sigh bent my arms completely around the tree, and grasped my fingers and pulled until my back made a snapping noise. With that completed I stood up and dusted the dirt of my blue pants, yellow shirt, and my bike. I then walked over to a small stream and proceed to wash my face and hands in the cool, clear water. Once the dirt had washed away I was able to see my features again: blue eyes, light blond hair, lightly darkened skin, a small mouth with a sharp nose above, and beady eyes. Walking back to my mountain bike I checked to see if any pokemon had damaged it while I had took a nap. Thankfully nothing had been harmed or took. gathered my backpack and jumped on the bike. Making sure the backpack was secure I steered my back to the path leading to the mountains. Once on the path I rode till I saw clearing, finding a tree I parked my bike next to it and took a swig of my water. This time I reached into my backpack and retrieved a sheet, which I laid against the tree. Sitting back I looked at the mountain, to which I was going for a tournament, I saw I still had a long way to go. After resting for a couple of minutes I continued on my way. After riding for two more hours I reached the bottom of the mountain, once there I looked for a path leading to the summit, finding none I got off my bike and took a red and white from my belt.

“Come out Victreebel.” I said to the small ball in my hand.

The ball jumped from my hand onto the ground, and split dividing the two colors: which was followed by a bright flash. After that a 5’-7” creature appeared, it had a red rimmed mouth, a yellow body with green spots, two green leaves sprouting from its sides and a tail.

"Okay Victreebel," I said. "Use Razor Leaf on the foliage."
With a cry Victreebel reared to its full height and cut the air with it leaves, sending smaller green leaves towards the foliage clearing a path.

"Good job." I said encouraging it. "Now go on ahead, I'll follow behind."

Victreebel nodded its head in my direction and continued on its job. After fifteen minutes of cutting we reached a small clearing surround by trees and foliage, and with a stream through it, which kept the grass green and healthy. Finding a rock by the stream I sat in its shade and prepared lunch for me and my pokemon. When lunch was made I called my other five pokemon I had brought along.

“Lunch time.” I said throwing five red and white balls onto the ground.

With a blinding white flash five pokemon appeared: the first was a 3’ 11” purple sludge appeared, named Toxin, Toxin was a poison pokemon named Muk. The second was a 4’ 11” yellow and brown pokemon, it carried one spoon in each hand and had long yellow whiskers; it is called Alakazam. The third was 4’ 3” red and yellow pokemon, I called this on Fire star, but called Magmar. The fourth was a 4’ 7” pokemon. It had blue skin with what appeared to be white hair on the top of its head. It also had 2 long teeth on the top right corners of its mouth; this pokemon is called Walrein. The fifth was 3’ 7” yellow pokemon with back thunder markings running down its body. This pokemon is called Electabuzz.

“Okay guys come eat lunch.” Before the words had left my mouth they all eagerly rushed to their own food.

After they had took their food I sat back down in the shade and retrieved a hat from my backpack, for the sun was shining brightly. Once that was done picked up my food a baloney and cheese sandwich with a sauce I made myself.

Ten minutes later

With lunch over I asked Alakazam to keep watch while the rest of us took a nap. With a nod in my direction Alakazam teleported to a near by tree to keep watch.

“Thank you.” I called to him.

With that taken care of took a sheet out of my backpack and laid it on the grass in the shade. One the sheet was fully laid out, I laid on and went to sleep. When I awoke I checked my watch and saw that it was four, we had slept two and a half hours. Standing up to see how Alakazam was doing I saw him fly from the tree, propelled back a black mass.

“Shadow Ball.” I muttered to no-one in particular, looking at Alakazam worriedly.

When he hit the ground with a cry, a 1’ 8” purple pokemon with jewels for eyes jumped down from the tree. It walked over to Alakazam and prepared what looked like a Dark orb.

“No!” I yelled at it running to where Alakazam lay. “Magmar! Get up and use Sunny Day now!” I said yelling at Magmar, who was off where the picnic area looking stunned.

Magmar lazily got to its feet and looked at me like I was crazy.

“Over there.” I said pointing a finger in Alakazam’s direction, while still running.

Magmar swung his fire head over in the direction where I pointing at madly.

“Hurry up; use Sunny Day!” I shouted to him.

This time Magmar obeyed immediately, Magmar threw back his head and let loose a bright beam towards the sky. A few seconds later the sun became even brighter than it was before.

“Good job.” I called. “Now Victreebel get up and use Solarbeam on Sableye.” I said, because by this time all my pokemon were up. Victreebel gave a nod in my direction and with amazing speed due to the sun, Victreebel closed the distance between her and Sableye. When she was about twenty feet away she unleashed solarbeam on Sableye. Just before Solarbeam reached Sableye it sent a Shadow Ball to counter the Solarbeam. The dark and grass attacks collided with a bang sending Sableye and Victreebel flying in opposite directions. Victreebel head first into a tree, a hundred yards away. Sableye only flew back landing in the same tree where it came from.

“Crap.” I muttered running over to Victreebel, upon reaching her I saw that she was merely stunned. “You okay?” I asked. She just waved her leaf signaling she was okay. Taking out her pokeball I returned her to the ball’s safe center. Standing up I turned to see Sableye laughing at me from the tree.

“You think it’s funny don’t ya?” I said to it. “Well I can fix that. Walrein uses Ice Ball on Sableye.” I said to my ice type. Walrein barked a response and flopped over to where Sableye was.

Sableye took one look at Walrein and started laughing even harder.

“You will not be laughing much longer.” I said to it. By that time Walrein had got within range. “Okay Walrein use Ice Ball.”

Walrein stood under the tree, and opened its mouth where a small ball of ice was gathering; when it reached a certain size Walrein released the ball sending it crashing into the tree, that sounded like a gun shot. Sableye stunned from the sound fell out of the tree; hitting the ground with a thump.

"Good job." I said to Walrein. "Now finish it with another Ice Ball."

Walrein once again gathered Ice in its mouth, to form a bigger ball of ice than the last one. When the ball reached a certain size it shot the ball at Sableye hitting in the chest, shattering the ice ball and sending shards of ice into anything within range. With the last attack by Walrein Sableye collasped to the ground.

When Sableye collapsed I walked slowly over to where it was laying and peeked at it. “Walrein

go closer and put it on your back.” I said to it.

Walrein nodded it’s light blue head in affirmative in my direction and flopped to where Sableye was laying on its back, with its head rolled to the side and one arm slung across its chest. Walrein was preparing to roll Sableye on its back when Sableye jumped up and slashed Walrein with its claws.

“Faint Attack.” I said to myself. "This is going to be harded than I thought."

With its last attack on Walrein Sableye turned to me and laughed, pointing one of its claws at me. Once it was done mocking me it ran to the closest tree, which was a big oak, and was up and gone in the blink of the eye.

“Good riddance to bad rubbish.” I said to my remaining conscious pokemon. With that I returned all my pokemon to their balls, and the balls to my brown belt. After making sure that no evidence remained on the battlefield, never know when it might come back to haunt you, I climbed on my bike and proceeded to look on my GPS’s screen for a pokecenter, which would show up a little pokeball on the screen. According to my GPS there was one northwest 15degrees and two miles away. After making sure my pack was secured to the bike, and I had the right heading I sent out to the pokecenter. On foot it would have took me about two hours because of the mountains terrain, but with my bike I reached the center in a hour. Upon reaching the half way mark to the center it had started to storm with thunder and lightning racing across the black clouds, making the sky look beautiful and dangerous at the same time. Then it started to rain, with rain drops come down like there was no tomorrow I knew I had to hurry. After a few bolts of lightning hitting close, I stopped, hopped off the bike, and took one of my pokeballs off my belt..

“Come on out Eletabuzz!” I said to the small red and white ball. The Little ball opened up with a flash revealing a yellow body with black thunder stripes running down its body. This was topped of by a football looking head with yellow stalks with balls on the end.

“Electabuzz see if you can deflect the lightning in some way. Can you do that?” I said franticly Electabuzz seemed to think about it for a couple of seconds before nodding its football head yes

. “Great, first make a Light Screen around the bike, me, and yourself so we can move safely to the center through the lightning and rain. Electabuzz nodded and got to work, with Buzz we got to the center safe and sound.

“Good job, without you it would have been more difficult to reach here. Thank you.” I said to Buzz, returning him to his ball then to my belt.

And I walked into the center, upon entering I noticed that the place was very quiet and looked deserted. Not to mention all the holes in the roof where rain was pouring in. Looking around to see if I could piece together what was going I noticed that the place looked like it had been burglarized, with chairs, booths, and tables thrown about the floor. Just as I was about to go exploring I heard a giant boom, the next thing I know the place is pitched into darkness thick as oil.

“Great.” I muttered reaching for my pokeballs. Finding the right one I called forth the pokemon inside it. “Electabuzz go to the generator and see if you can supple electricity to this place please.” With a flash the ball split and revealed Electabuzz. He turned to me, nodded and walked off to the back of the center. Once he was gone I got out another ball.

“Come on out Muk.” I said to the ball. When Muk appeared I issued commands to her.

“Okay Muk I want you to go exploring. See if you can find anything about this place.”[/color] To my surprise Muk shook her purple head no. “Why not?” I asked her. Muk just sat there on the cold tile and shook her head no. “Fine, be like that guess I will go explore without you.” I said to her. Muk just gave me a look of concern on her face. “Fine I will not go until Electabuzz gets back. Will that make you fell better?” To my surprise she still shook her head.

While me and Muk were having disagreements I didn’t notice the shadow walking up on me until I felt a small, slender hand on my shoulder.

“Ah!” I yelled in surprise, my fingers going to a dagger concealed in my shirt. To my relief it was

nurse Joy.

“Don’t be frightened.” She said stepping back a few feet. “It’s only me.”

“Sorry you surprised me.” I replied to her, unwinding my fingers from the sinew handle. “Where

is everybody?” I asked quizzically.

“Everyone was driven away by a group of pokemon. The leader is a strong Sabeye.” She replied looking around to see if anything was eavesdropping.

“A Sableye you say? I was attacked by one on my way up here.” I said to her.

“How did the battle go?”

“The battle was tough and I lost a couple of my pokemon; however, I did defeat it.” I said

hanging my head in disgust.

“You must be a good trainer indeed. By the way do any of your pokemon need healing?” She

said, walking over to the what remained of the front desk.

“Yes, they all do.” I said looking up.

“How many pokemon do you have on you?”

“I have six pokemon but one is trying to restore power." I replied mentally checking my pokemon.

"That could be dangerous. There are many pokemon unfriendly wandering these halls." She said looking worried.

"Don't worry, my Eletabuzz can handle it." I said confidently.

A few seconds later the lights came on.

"See? Nothing to worry about." I said cockily.

2 hours later

"Once again thank you for healing my pokemon." I said as I was leaving the center.

"No problem." She replied putting her hand in her apron’s front pockets. Once I rounded the path leading to the woods she went back inside the center.

“I’ll check on her once I return form the tournament.” I said to myself for assurance.

Once I reached the outskirts of the woods I pulled out my GPS, to look for the road leading to my destination. According to my GPS the road was half a mile in the NE direction. After double checking the route I was going to take I checked the weather. Instead of checking the weather using a device I just looked at the sky and the pokemon around me. It was sunny with a few clouds here and there, but to the north there was a giant storm heading in my direction, according to my calculations I had two hours of walking time before the storm hit.

With both those accomplished I set out to the rode. I arrived at the rode fifteen minutes later. I once again checked
the sky, the clouds were beginning to speed and I cloud see lightning racing across the sky in yellow tracers. Pedaling faster I speeded up the mountain, but sadly the rain and lightning caught up to me. First the rain hit with torrents of water crashing down on me, the bike, and the dirt road, which started to turn to mud.

“Crap.” I muttered turning off what remained of the road. Walking over to a birch about twenty yards from the road I leaned my bike against its side. Taking my pack off the bike I rummaged inside of it until I retrieved from it a sheet. Setting the sheet on the wet mossy ground I looked around for a couple of boughs. I spotted two that were about the right size 10 feet from where I was standing.
Coordinator Stat's

Other URPG site (more active):

Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 02-23-2007 at 05:20 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 02-19-2007, 10:45 PM
AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
AmericanTreeFrog Offline
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Pacific northwest
Posts: 2,794
Send a message via AIM to AmericanTreeFrog
Default Re: A weird challenge

Running over to where the lay I picked one up in each hand and ran back to where I parked my bike. Depositing the wood next to the sheet, I took one pokeballs off my belt.

“Magmar come out.” I said to the small orb, extending my arm I pointed to a spot next to the boughs. A white beam shot form the orb onto the spot where I was pointing; a few seconds later Magmar appeared.

“Magmar use psychic to bring that would over here.” I said pointing to some scattered wood about 50 feet away.

Magmar didn’t reply he just concentrated on the task I gave him. First his eyes started to glow a maroon red, then he lifted his arms above his head like he was carrying a giant bowl. Just then the scattered sticks started to rise in the air, as if they had a mind their own. Magmar proceed to lay the sticks in a pile next to the small camp site I was making.

“Thank you Magmar.” I said replied to him, while bending over to pick up the sticks. Grabbing the sticks I made small pyramid out of the smaller sticks.

“Magmar use Ember on the pyramid please.” I said to him pointing at the sticks. Magmar glanced at the sticks before looking at me with a frown on his face.

“Just do it.” I said exasperated.

This time Magmar did as I asked, sending a small trickle of fire towards the sticks.

“Thank you,” I said as the sticks caught on fire. “Now return.” I said holding up his pokeball. A red beam shot out of the ball, capturing Magmar in its grip and sucking him back into the enclosure.

Attaching the ball to my belt I proceed to tend the fire. First I put some moss in the fire, then I heaped on the logs the Magmar gathered. Once the fire was burning nicely I proceed to make a tent out of two remaining sticks and the sheet. First I took the two sticks and stuck them upright in the ground about seven feet across from each other, then I took the sheet, and some rope I kept in my pack, and I tied a corner of each sheet to the sticks. After that I took two more sticks and set them ten feet behind the others, so it formed a rectangle, and likewise I tied the sheet to those. Once it was done I was thoroughly soaked from the rain, but the fire was starting to go out from the rain so I didn’t bother with it. Crawling under the tent I made I promptly went to sleep.

“Ouch,” I said as I hit my on the tree, after sitting up. Looking out I saw that the storm had passed over and that the sun had come out. “About time,” I mumbled yawning. ”Magmar, Victreebel come out.” I said tossing the two red and white orbs on the ground.

With a flash the orbs opened sending a still sleeping Magmar and a fully awake Victreebel onto the grass. Annoyed I issued a command to Victreebel.

“Victreebel light a fire under him with Solar Beam please,” I said to her while pointing at Magmar. Victreebel looked at me with a evil looking grin on her face. “Don’t be mean about it.” I warned her.

Victreebel nodded what was her head and prepared the attack. Already I could see a bright ball of energy gathering in her mouth. After a few seconds the ball had grown to about the size of basketball, then Victreebel released it with a cry sending the ball of energy crashing into Magmar. Who in turn jumped two feet in the air. With a giant roar he turned around to face Victreebel, who was laughing like a manic. From where I was I could see the fire in Magmar’s eyes as he launched a Flamethower at Victreebel.

“Victreebel dodge! Magmar stop it this instant!” I shouted to my pokemon.

Victreebel seeing the oncoming attack jumped to the side, with Flamethrower barely missing it. Magmar upon hearing my call immediately stopped attacking.

“She was only trying to wake you up,” I said to Magmar. “You had no reason to attack her, don’t do it again.” I shouted at him.

Magmar turned to me, gave me a look of sadness and walked back to where he had been laying.

“Victreebel take this wood and take it over there please,” I said indicating the wood left over from the fire and my makeshift tent, then pointing to a clearing 200 yards away. “Magmar follow Victreebel and when you get to the clearing torch it please. On second thought take him with you, “ I said grabbing another ball from my belt.” Slowking, go with them in case they start a forest fire.” I said tossing the ball on to the ground.

With a pop the orb opened revealing a pink pokemon with a weird looking crown on its head.
Slowking looked up at me with a lazy look on his face.

“Slow?” He asked cocking his head to the right.

“You heard me, go with them.” I replied. Slowking nodded his head, looked at Victreebel and Magmar, and stared to walk towards the clearing. Victreebel and Magmar looked at each other before shrugging their shoulders ad doing as I commanded, Magmar following Slowking, and Victreebel gathering the wood. With them gone proceeded to break; while folding the camp a Seedot came walking up to me I didn’t notice it until I felt like a jackhammer had been place on my leg, set to low, and tuned on.

“Ouch,” I cried jumping back, catching my foot on a vine and falling down. Looking at the blue sky a small, walking acorn was obstructing my view.

“Dot?” I whispered to my face.

“What do you want.” I asked standing up and dusting my self off.

“Dot!” It said again, but this time indicating to the clearing where my pokemon where.

Putting my right hand to my eyes, to shield out the sun, I could see my pokemon engaged in battle with a bunch of fierce looking dogs. “Crap.” I muttered under my breath running over to the battle site.

Arriving, I immediately noticed that it was a desperate situation. All three of my pokemon were in the center of a circle with their backs to one another, surrounding them was a pick of Mightyena 16 strong.

“Looking down at the Seedot I asked it a question. “Do you know these things?” I asked pointing towards the Mightyena. Seedot just looked up at me with large frightened eyes.” Don’t worry looks like it’s my problem now.” I told it.

Grabbing three Pokeballs from my belt I tossed them into the fray. ”Go Alakazam, Jynx, Muk!” I yelled.

With a bright flash than usual the ball opened up revealing the reinforcements. Alakazam use Thunder wave! Jynx use Blizzard! Muk use Brick Break! Victreebel, Swords Dance! Slowking, Surf! Magmar, Sunny Day!

My pokemon not surrounded by the Mightyena took one look at the battle and jumped in the fray. While Victreebel, Slowking, and Magmar retreated a couple of feet back, before unleashing their attacks. Magmar threw his head back and shot a beam into the sky sending clouds fleeing to safer areas.
Slowking held his hands and face to the, now blue sky, and brought them together with a strong clap, right in front of me water appeared from out of know where and formed into a giant wall, partially blocking the sun. Using his hands to guide the water he sent it crashing into the center of the Mightyena pack. As the wall hit them all I could hear was barks, and growls. As they tumbled over each other to get back to their feet. Victreebel unlike the other did not attack the Mightyena, but instead started to wave her leaves about and dance in a ancient manner. Muk along with Alakazam and Jynx were now in the middle of it. Muk on command slithered over to the nearest Mightyena before punching it squarely on the snout. With a howl of pain the Mightyena fought back, biting Muk’s arm but to the dog’s dismay it couldn’t get a grip on Muk’s sludge of a body. Muk just calmly grabbed the dog by the ears and tossed into the nearest tree.

The dog hit the tree with a crunch and a yelp of pain. Turning back to the main battle, Alakazam and Jynx were unleashing their attacks. Alakazam teleported to the middle of the pack were he used Thunder wave.

Raising his spoons in the air he brought them together then out sending a wave of electricity in multiple directions, hitting all but three of the dogs.

While Alakazam was paralyzing the dogs Jynx walked to the edge of the pack and blew a blast of frigid cold air at the dogs. Hitting all the dogs and luckily some of the dogs got froze. Seeing some of their comrades frozen and paralyzed they turned around ran back into the woods.

“Good riddance,” I mumbled to myself. Walking over to my pokemon I saw that Alakazam and Slowking were hurt the worst. Grabbing two potions from my bag I sprayed its contents on each of the pokemon.

As the potion started to take effect I recalled all my pokemon into their balls. Now my bike would be no good thanks to the rain, I left it leaning against the tree. After adjusting my pack, on my back, I set off towards the dojo.


Looking at the giant doors I could see why it was called the oldest dojo in the continent. The dojo was surrounded by walls that stood 30' high and with towers every 20' along the wall. To my surprise they where manned by pokemon. Flying about and resting on the wall were Pidgeot and Crobat. Inside the towers them selves were Blaziken, Hitmonchan, and Magneton. Beating on the door, they were opened by two Machamps. Stepping in I glanced around my surroundings. Too my left were sleeping quarters and a giant kitchen. Too my right was a training ground, where two trainers were battling. One was a girl wearing a pink skirt and white blouse. Her opponent was male, wearing a a traditional white tunic of an apprentice. The girl was fighting with Murkrow while the male was fighting with a Hitmonchan, Watching the two combatants I failed to notice the person behind me.
“Excuse me the champion requests your presence,” saying his piece he turned and walked back to the main building, in the center of the dojo.

His words had brought me back to reality. Turning to him I saw that he ahd already walked away.

Running after him I called out, “Hey! Excuse me, you said something back there.”

Looking at me with disdain, “I said the champion is requesting your presence,” He answered.

“Thank you,” I replied, following him into the main building.

There I was introduced to the champion, after talking for a brief minute, I signed the roster, as the Ice master. Was signed I was led to my bunk and introduced to the other contestants. The girl I learned was the Dark master. The boy was an apprentice of the dojo and the fighting master. The steel master was a man of heavy set and a jolly nature. The grass master was a skinny female, I could tell she was from the joto region mountains. Next came the fire master, later I learned he was the cousin of Flannery. The rock master was also a cousin of Flannery, he was the oldest of the bunch, around forty years in age. The dragon master was a young man around 19; although young, he commanded some of the strongest dragons I had ever seen, in 25 years of my life. To my surprise the bug master was one of my best friends, before moving on I gave him a nod of greeting. After meeting everybody the champion called everyone inside to explain the contest rules more clearly.

Once we all were seated he started to speak, “Hello, and greeting to all. All of you represent different type of pokemon. This contest is to see which of you knows their pokemon the best. There is four rounds total and sixteen people participating. Starting tomorrow there will be a drawing to see who battles who. When you first got the invitation it said there would be one prize; due to some unexpected occurrences there is now a new prize which you will see when the contest is over. That’s all for now, good luck tomorrow. Now I’ll be of to bed,” Rising out of his recliner he left the room, leaving all of us to ponder the mystery prize. As the others chatted adimitely I left the room and walked to the sleeping quarters, where I fell asleep.

The next morning I woke, showered, ate, feed my pokemon, and choose which of my ice pokemon I would use. After being called by a loud speaker we all crowded around the champion’s assistant, as he was called. After a assigning the numbers to everybody the spin began. After about waiting for a minute the assistant called of the matches.

“1st round is
,” he said, “Let the contest begin. Walking over to where my battle was going to take place. The judge explained the rules to me and my best friend.

“The match will be three versus three, with no items. Take your positions and send out your pokemon when ready,” Pointing a finger at me, “Your going first,” He said.

Nodding my head I sent out Delibird.

“Piece of cake,” My opponent said, sending out Ninjask. After a long and drawn out battle he was defeated.

“Good job,” I told him, after shaking hands.

“You didn’t do to bad yourself,” He replied.

After that the contest passed rather quickly with me beating my next three opponents and winning the champions ship.

“Congraduations on winning the championship, it was well deserved. Now for the first prize, a Ralts, and the second prize this Sableye, who we caught stealing food and inciting violence with our pokemon. Now you will have a chance to battle both pokemon, if you fail to catch one, the runner up will get a chance to battle which one you failed to catch,” He told me.

With a flick of his fingers he had two of the apprentices release the latches on the cages. With a glint of anger in his eyes he jumped at me. While Ralts just calmly walked out of its cage, taking no heed to us it sat down and watched the events unfolding before it. Side Stepping Sableye I called out Jynx and Lapras.

“Jynx use Protect, Lapras use Sing on Ralts,” I called to my pokemon.

Sableye trying to escape Sing also used Protect, but Ralts was not so lucky and fell asleep. With Ralts took care of I concentrated both of my pokemon on Sableye.

“Jynx Mean Look, Lapras Substitute!” I called to both my pokemon from a safe distance, to avoid Sableye’s fierce attack.

Before Lapras could use Substitute Sableye launched a Shadow Ball at her.

“Lapras use Hydro Pump!” I called franticly. While Lapras tried to counter Sableye’s attack Jynx started to chant while giving Sableye a fierce look. Lapras’s and Sableye’s attacks collided but with Lapras’s more powerful Hydro Pump going through Shadow Ball and sending Sableye in to a tree.

“Keep up the good work. Now Jynx use Perish Song! Lapras hurry up and use Substitute while Sableye is stunned. With Sableye stunned both Lapras and Jynx completed their commands without interference. Now all I had to do was wait.

“Lapras! Jynx! Use Blizzard,” I called to them.

Looking at each other they sent a double Blizzard at Sableye. Sableye seeing the attack coming towards it, it used Protect. Watching the cold air clear away I could see Jynx, Lapras, Ralts, and Sableye fainted. grabbing two empty pokeballs form my belt and Jynx’s ball form my belt I flung the balls at the fainted pokemon. Jynx’s ball sucked her in with resisting while Ralts’s and Sableye’s started to wiggle with restraint. They wiggles once, twice and...
Coordinator Stat's

Other URPG site (more active):

Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 03-23-2007 at 02:24 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2007, 11:04 PM
Seawolf's Avatar
Seawolf Offline
I has a stik
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illium
Posts: 10,894
Send a message via AIM to Seawolf
Default Re: A weird challenge

Sorry you had to wait so long for a grade, I've been busy.

Story: Most of this seemed to be all about the battle. You found a Sableye, battled it, took your Pokemon to be healed and then battled it again. I guess the "weird" challenge is that fact that it was done by the ghost? Anyway, that's all the plot I saw, really. You ate lunch with your buddies and then attacked the Sableye when it showed up. It's not that original, but I guess the surprise element works, for the most part. I would like to see more in this department, though. Making up for a lack of story with a bunch of battling doesn't really work for Pokemon above the Easiest and Simple categories, in my opinion. This would be a heck of a lot better if you just added to this. It's the Pokemon world, so something bad/interesting/unreal could always happen.

Grammar/Spelling: Not bad, although your dialogue is shaky. Meaning, you don't really know how to use commas and periods in them. When talking, you end it with a comma, and then finish with "he said", or whatever you're saying at the end. Periods in speech are always left in the quotation marks, also. You also had some fragments, which should be cleaned up.

Bent my arms back around the tree grasped my fingers and pulled until my back made a snapping noise.
It needs a subject, so you should put "I" in the front. Some of your sentences were disjointed like this, so you might want to take a look at them. This is also in need of a comma, or the word "and". You should really look these over before submitting them.

Length: I thought it was almost enough for a Sableye, but not quite. The lack of deeper story and details also hurts your final grade.

Detail/Description: The intro and the battles were pretty good, but your details just disappeared in the middle of the story. You didn't describe anything during the middle, which wasn't good, to say the least. Here is an example...

“How did the battle go?”

“The battle was tough and I lost a couple of my pokemon; however, I did defeat it.”

“You must be a good trainer indeed. By the way do any of your pokemon need healing?”

“Yes, they all do.” I said.
You could be describing what the people are doing here as they talk. Your character's Pokemon just fainted, so is he anxious, moving his arms around, etc. Are they smiling while they talk, or frowning? You should describe the emotions here and even what they look like, as it is important to any story. If you want your readers to connect with these people and like the story, you must describe them to the best of your ability. This section needs the most work.

Battle: Very interesting, and long... almost too long. While you're good at battles and listing attacks, why don't you describe them as well? What does a Shadow Ball look like, and how do Pokemon react when hit with something? Like with detail, you might want to get more in-depth with some of the things here. As I said, it's very important that your reader can see everything that is going on, or the story will not grab their interest at all. This doesn't need much improvement compared to the plot and details, but you could check it over.

Outcome: Sableye Not Captured! - Put in more details, and maybe work on a better plot.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-23-2007, 07:43 PM
Seawolf's Avatar
Seawolf Offline
I has a stik
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illium
Posts: 10,894
Send a message via AIM to Seawolf
Default Re: A weird challenge

Much better - sorry for being so weird about the length. This is a nice improvement, though, so be proud. :)

Sableye Captured!

It's certainly longer and decent for the ghost, but I didn't find the plot too complex for Ralts to be a capture as well. I asked graders for their opinions on it, and they thought the same thing.

Last edited by Seawolf; 03-23-2007 at 09:25 PM.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 07:40 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: