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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 02-20-2007, 11:24 PM
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Default Shuckle It Up; Get Training!

Chapter Two - Shuckle it Up, Get Training!
(Ready For Re-Regrade)
It was the day after I, Allison Sorrel, caught Zubat, who I had nicknamed Vizi I also had decided to nickname my Mudkip, Tsunami. Now, we were just outside of Oldale Town, near a gushing river. Multiple small fish-like pokemon, goldeen and magikarp, tentacool and feebas, even the stray wingull and marill here and there, swam up and down the crystal blue water, which cast a reflection of everything that faced it. A few Zigzagoon ran out of the many tall trees and plafully ran across the shore, messing around in the mud. I was trying to get Tsunami to get to swim like the other water pokemon, since it seemed he was afraid to go in the water, interact with it, or even glance at it. At all.

At first Tsunami would run away before he could even see the water. It took the little blue pokemon an hour to want to even look! After that, he just curled up right next to the water and whimpered in a very soft voice. Now, he would go into the water a little, then paddle back to shore.

"No, Tsunami! You havta wag your little tail harder!" I yelled, forcefully tapping Tsunami into the waving blue river again crossly. He just wagged his round, flat tail slowley, still afraid of the icy water. It had been one long hour since we had started, and he still refused to go into the blue water, which must've seemed pretty deep to him. "Common, try harder!"

'Tick, tick, tick... If Tsunami dosen't learn to swim like a normal water pokemon, we'll never get across that 'stinkin ocean!' I moaned to myself angrilly. I waited, continuousley putting Tsunami back into the cold, blue river. One hour... Two hours... Three... It was getting COMPLETELY useless attempting to get him to swim, and my hands were begining to feel numb. Finally, at some point, he began swimming out to the deeper area of the river, which apparently was only a few feet deep, dotted with multiple rocks, most tipped with a sharp point. He swam out a bit, but then hopped on what looked like a blue... Rock?

But, this one has a strange resemblance to a meteor! Tsunami hopped up on top of the peculiar rock, proudly looking down into the water, smiling at his own reflection. He pawed at the water a few times, splashing it onto the rock he was sitting upon, probobley seeing what fun he could have. I thought I saw something move inside the rock, and I saw the rock jiggle. It began to shake more rapidly, until Tsunami was almost thrown off of the rock.

Suddenly, what looked like a yellow worm squirmed out of the meteor-like object, which I took to be its shell, and looked at Tsunami with a surprised look.

"Shuuuuuuuuck!!!!" It screamed loudly, scaring a flock of Taillow and Swellow out of a tree, as well as a stray Murkrow. Tsunami also leapt up with a high-pitched yelp and an astonished look on his face. He stood on his back legs only and stared at the yellow creature, which stared back at Tsunami before attempting to hide its head back into shell. However, out of fear, Tsunami jumped onto its head and began to bounce up and down on the strange pokemon's long, yellow neck, keeping it from escaping back into its own shell. Tsunami leapt off of Shuckle's head and the lump-shaped pokemon surfaced its head for some air.

"What the HECK is that... That... That THING?" I said, my legs locking me into where I stood. I snatched my knapsack off the ground where I was standing, yanked out my Pokedex, and pointed it torwards the blue rock Tsunami was standing upon.

"Shuckle, the MOLD pokemon. It stores berries inside its shell. To avoid attacks, it hides beneath rocks and stays completley still." the pokedex chattered away in a very annoying voice. I leaned closer to the screen, giving it a puzzled look, before tapping the screen rapidly.

"But the Shuckle in the pokedex is red, not blue!" I yelled out, and looked at the blue-and-yellow pokemon once again. It was trying to pull itself torwards the shore grounds by slapping its long yellow tentacles against the ground and doing what the poor pokemon could to scoot forward. I clicked a small, square, green button next to the Pokedex screen, and the Pokedex began to speak in its annoying voice again.

"In very rare conditions, a pokemon may be colored alternatley. This is known as a 'shiny' pokemon. Though mostley it appears to be a deffective gene, some pokemon act differentley then a normaly colored species of itself." the pokedex said, a robotic sound buzzing in the background of its voice. I looked at the shuckle, exited to see such a rare pokemon. I straightened up and looked at the wild Shuckle proudly.

"I gotta catch it!" I thought out loud, rather loudly, actualley. I pointed my finger torwards where the two pokemon stood. "Now, Tsunami, my little buddy, blast it away with your Hydro Pump!" I said, but Tsunami ignored the command completely, and just sat iddly. Shuckle began to wrap its long tentacles around Tsunami, and held him up in the air; Tsunami doing nothing to get out of his painfull grasp. The somewhat large Mold Pokemon chucked Tsunami towards me, me catching him carefully to make sure the little guy would stay safe and sound. I raised my arm to send out another pokemon; I chose Vizi. What other choice did I have?

"Go, Vizi-i-i-!" I half-yelled, half squeeled. Though I was in perfect sync, one of Shuckle's long arms had wrapped itself around my own whole left arm. I tried to toss Vizi's pokeball into my right hand so I could call him out correctly, but the Shuckle tossed me over like I was nothing, pulled its arms and head into its shell, propped up on its side, began to spin, and zipped away like a wheel. I watched it zip away a blue blur, while sitting miserabley on the ground.

"That was embarissing..." I said timidly, picking Tsunami up off the ground. "Don't worry, Tsunami, we'll catch that Shuckle if it's the last thing we do!" I yelled into the wide open sky, ready to go chase after that Shuckle!

One day later...

"It's been a day, now, and no sign of the Shuckle..." I said, covering my yawning mouth. Tsunami, and I had been looking all of last night, and now into the afternoon of today, but Shuckle had yet to come out. I had tried next to everything we could do. I was broke from buying berries to try and lure it with. I was covered in scars from pestering other pokemon. I was tired as heck from all that walking. I was about to give up, when I remembered Vizi's supersonic attack. I exitedley grabbed his pokebal, then threw it into the air to call him out. Vizi appeared in a flash of red light, screeching loudly.

"Vizi, use your Supersonic, try and find that Shiny Shuckle!" I said dully. Vizi flew off, using supersonic all over the trees. Blue circular discs began bouncing off trees, which floated right back to Vizi. However, he looked unsatisfied, and flew away, continuing to use supersonic, finalley disapeering over what seemed to be thousands of trees.

A few hours later, me and Tsunami were still waiting for Vizi to come back. I leaned against a tree and looked at the remains of the fire I had started, which had left a black circle of ashes on the ground, some steam still wafting from them. After a few moments, Vizi appeared from above the trees, screeching loudley. I leaned up, and motioned my hand to call him closer.

"Any luck?" I asked, but Vizi just shook his head. "Dangit," I muttered, recalling Vizi. I looked up at the sky, which was begining to turn a goldenrod shade. Then, as if by chance, I heard Shuckle's familliar whirr as it rolled out from the trees; what looked like a big wolf was pursuing the small round pokemon. Shuckle rolled behind my legs and made a sad face towards the wolf-like pokemon. I yanked out my pokedex and pointed it towards the canine creature.

"Mightyena, the BITE pokemon. MIGHTYENA gives obvious signals when it is perparing to attack. It starts to growl deeply and-" The pokedex then halted all at once, and I realized the Mightyena was attacking the Pokedex with its long, pointed fangs that seemed to glow. I yanked the pokedex out of the Mightyena's mouth, felt over a few dents, and flung it back into my pack.

"Hand over that shuckle!" I heard someone yell. A man in a blue bandana that keapt all of his hair from being visable, a white-and-black striped shortsleeve shirt, and blue pants with some sort of circular, white bone pattern going down the side broke through the trees. He apparently was the Mightyena's trainer.

"And who would YOU happen to be?" I asked, in a somewhat-mocking tone. I stood in front of Shuckle, holding my arms to the sides to keep the Mightyena from getting past me, as it was trying to snap at Shuckle, and in a very menacing manner.

"That isn't very important, missy," the man said angrilly, "Just hand over that Shuckle, and do it now!"

"And what if I don't want to, huh? Well, what're YOU gonna do about it?" I said mockingly. Mightyena growled; I held back my fear by swallowing.

"Then I'll just need to take it by force!" the man yelled crossley, "Mightyena, use your Crunch on those whimps!"

Mightyena began to hurl towards me, baring its glowing, snow-white fangs. It howled what sounded like a dying meowth, causing a nearby pack of Poochyena to run away from their unbearable fear. I yelped and turned around to Shuckle, hoping I could urge him to get away

"Shuckle, get outta here!" I yelled, pointing towards the forest. Shuckle looked a bit worried. "Just go!" I yelled again, tears starting to flow from my eyes. Shuckle also began to cry, but it still rolled away, but I could tell he didn't go far, I could tell he didn't want to leave. I pointed at Mightyena.

"Tsunami, use Hydro Pump!" I yelled. Tsunami obeyed, shooting water towards Mightyena, forcfully shoving the large canine Pokemon back into a large woody tree. Mightyena fell down to the dry earth, shaking its head angrily to get the stinging to go away

"Now, Take Down attack, while it can't see you!" I yelled confidentley. Tsunami ran at Mightyena and rammed into the grey and black pokemon braveley, sending the wolf-like creature onto its side, into the dirt. A few brown pathes of mud became scattered across his skin.

"Mud Sport!" I yelled loudly, wiping the last of my tears out of my eyes. Tsunami obeidiently began spitting light brown mud all over Mightyena, who squirmed in the mud, like a Magikarp stranded on land.

"Use Thief on that baby pokemon!" The man said. Mightyena leapt up out of the mud, shaking off the mud easily, and began running towards Tsunami. It grabbed Tsunami in its mouth and began to shake him around violently.

"Let go of Tsunami!" I yelled, worried about him. He appeared scared to death. "Tsunami, hang in there, little buddy!"

"Now, throw that useless pokemon!" The man yelled. Mightyena flung Tsunami towards me. However, he landed on his tail, allowing him to bounce up without taking much damage. But, just then, the small blue pokemon fell to his stomach with pain, whining miserabley. I ran to his side and looked at his neck, which was painfully scared in multiple places.

"Don't worry, little one, you're going to be okay..." I said quietley, rubbing his head gentley. I then helped him back up off the ground, "Tsunami, use Hydro Pump again!" I yelled. A swirling jet of water spewed from Tsunami's mouth, causing Mightyena to sail backwards. The grey pokemon looked like it was about to fall down.

"Now, while it's vurnerable, use Whirlpool!" I comanded loudley. Tsunami began to spit a spiraling funnel of water torwards the large, wolf-like pokemon. It engulfed Mightyena, making it look like a Steelix or a Gyarados swallowing a Weedle. Mightyena wobbled back and forth in place, yowling loudly. Mightyena finally let down, falling onto its back. It let out a final howl into the air, and then stopped showing any signal of life.

"Awesome, Tsunami!" I yelled happily, picking up Tsunami, careful not to touch his scars. Tsunami grinned widley, obviousley satisfied with his win. He squeeled with delight, leapt out of my arms, and began jumping up and down on the ground rapidly.

"Archie ain't gonna like this one bit," the man grumbled, calling Mightyena into its pokeball.

"Archie?" I asked, but when I looked back at where he was standing, he was already gone. Not a soul was in sight where the strange man had been. I straightened up and turned torwards the forest.

"Shuuuckleee, come out!" I yelled to the shuckle, who I had almost forgotton a very short minute ago, "It's safe to come out now!"

I heard that same whirrr, and Shuckle rolled out of the trees. It looked worried, but I just grinned at him happily.

"It's okay, I'm fine," I said, knealing over to rub his smalle yellow head. It was slimy, yet I didn't let my disgust show; I just grinned at the Shiny Shuckle. Shuckle shook its head, still bearing his sad expression. It put its front legs and head on my knee, whimpering.

"What's wrong, little guy?" I asked, petting his head. He whimpered and pushed his head against one of the empty pokeballs on my belt. He looked up at me and gave me that hopeful look.

"Huh? You wanna come with me?" I said, continuing to pet his head. I was surprised he wanted to come with me; for he was such a rare pokemon. Shuckle nodded its head, and started to smile playfully.

"Shuckuckuckucka!" It squeeked joyfully, rubbing the pokeball again.

"Well, I can't just take you; I need to battle you first. Are you up for it?" I said, petting Shuckle's goopy head again, cringing as his slimy skin touched my own. Shuckle just nodded slowley. "But don't act weakly. You havta try, Shuckle." I said, as it seemed it wouldn't attack much so that I could catch it quite easiley. Shuckle nodded. "Okay, lets go for it!" I yelled, then running across the clearing. I threw Vizi's pokeball; Vizi appeared with a screech, ready to battle the Mold Pokemon.

Me and Vizi stood on one side of the clearing; Shuckle stood, well, I should say "sat" at the other end. Me and Shuckle took a long stare at each other, waiting for the other to move. Vizi used Mean Look on Shuckle; Shuckle wanted to be with me, and I wasn't going to let it run away from the battle.

"Now, start with Wing Attack!" I yelled, and Vizi obidiently flew across the field, his wings glowing white as a blizzard attack. I listened as his wings clashed against Shuckle's hard shell. I looked at the field to see Shuckle being damaged, but instead I miserabley watched Vizi ricochet off of the Shiny Shuckle's shell. Vizi looked somewhat damaged, and even a little dazed, from smashing Shuckle's shell.

'Doh, how could I be so stupid? That's a shell, for Araseus's sake! Vizi can't damage it!' I said under my breath, disapointed I had let Vizi get hurt in such an obvious way.

"Okay, Vizi! Don't let your guard down! Use Confuse Ray!" I yelled. Vizi began to spit a pulsing purple-and-black orb towards Shuckle. The circle began to engulf Shuckle; I watched as Shuckle's head began to spin, captivated by the swirling ray.

The Confuse Ray began to fade, and I could see Shuckle clearly again, though the dazed Shuckle obviousley couldn't see me. Shuckle's long, slimy arms began to come out of his large blue shell, and wrapped around Shuckle's own shell. Shuckle shook his yellow head wildly, captivated by the confuse ray Confuse Ray.

"Now, Vizi, use Astonish while it's confused!" I said, pointing towards Shuckle. I could tell that the Confuse Ray had done the trick to hold Shuckle down. Vizi hoverd near Shuckle and began to wave its wings and screech wildly.

Shuckle instantley stopped moving, pulled its tentacles into its blue shell, and just stared at Vizi, who was still causing a racket. As if Shuckle had just been put out of a pause, its long arms wrapped around Vizi, instantley keeping him from moving.

The racket appaerentley had brought Shuckle back to its senses. Shuckle began to squeeze Vizi until he seemed like he could no longer breath; I watched helplessley Vizi twitch and shake attempting to get free.

"Vizi, Bite your way outta that Shuckle's grip!" I said, not to give up hope too easily. Vizi began to chomp down on Shuckle's arms. Shuckle began to loosen its grip on Vizi, burning with pain from the Bite attack.

"Now, whilst his head is vurnerable, use wing attack!" I yelled. Vizi slipped out of Shuckle's grasp, zoomed up in a rounded arch, then dove back down, slashing at Shuckle's soft, slimy head with his glowing snow-white wing. Shuckle began to pant heavily, but we weren't about to let our guard down.

"It's weakened down, Vizi! Use Poisen Fang!" I commanded; Vizi took the command, flying at Shuckle's left fore-tentacle. Shuckle squeeled with pain as Vizi's fangs sunk into his soft skin. I then realized Shuckle was begining to look sick. I felt worried, as if Shuckle would hate me for doing that. I clenched my fists and began to sweat from my mix of fear and exitement. I was ready to catch that Shuckle, and I would do it today!

"One more attack should finish Shuckle off! Use Leech Life!" I yelled with anticipation, pointing my finger at the Mold pokemon. Vizi began to zoom towards Shuckle, his fangs bared wide. Shuckle then flung out one of its arms and wrapped it around Vizi's mouth, holding Vizi's mouth tightly shut. Despite Shuckle's poisened status, it manged to fling Vizi back and forth in midair, causing Vizi to start to look dizzy.

Finally, the intensifying poisen took its full effect on the colorful snail-like pokemon, and Shuckle had to let go of Vizi, or else he would become terribley sick. But before I could comand Vizi to re-do that Leech Life, Shuckle began to look dazed. His head began to lower, until it was spread across the ground like a garden hose. He didn't seem to be capable of sight. His eyes were surrounded by purple lines that signified his poisened status.

'This is my chance!' I said to myself. 'You're mine, Kinjy!' I grabbed my empty pokeball, and thrusted my hand forward, watching the swirling, red and white orb fly through the air, towards the rare blue Shuckle... Shuckle noticed not as the red light engulfed him, pulling him into a pararel dimension. The pokeball landed softly in the grassy field, the button glowing red. The pokeball rocked softly back and forth... Once, twice... The red light continued to grow to a bigger size, almost about to engulf the whole pokeball in the bright, crimson glow. Would Kinjy be mine, or would he be released from his pokeball? The light glew brighter and brighter, my heart thumped like it was ready to beat right out of my chest...
-x-
Pokemon to Capture:Shiny Shuckle/Kinjy(M)
Characters:18517
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Last edited by Pikablu Pie; 03-25-2007 at 10:55 PM. Reason: DO YOU LIKE SOUP?!?
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  #2  
Old 02-20-2007, 11:34 PM
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Default Re: Shuckle It Up; Get Training!

;) I wasn't sure if you knew, so just in case.. Shiny has no effect on battles or anything in URPG. ^_^ Feel free to use it in your story and all if you want, though.



Introduction: Your introduction does tell us what happened in the last story, which is good. However, a little background on your character would be nice. Since this is a continued story, a short little author's note ahead of time to tell us about your character would be fine, but there really should always be something to let a reader know about your character. Someone who hasn't read your past stories would get confused otherwise!

When you're writing a story, try to remember to have an introduction that gives all the details, and put them in each time you change the setting or the time.

A story should begin by trying to address the 5 W's- Who, What, Where, When, Why (And sometimes How).

We get who , but not that much about your character, not even her name, in fact.
We get what. This part is good.
Where is somewhat answered, but a bit more description, or some specifics, would be nice in a Shuckle story.
When is answered, sort of. We can assume the time of day, roughly.
Why is answered as well- She wants her Pokemon to swim, and wants a shiny Shuckle- But why does her pokemon need to swim in order for them to move on?



Plot: Your plot is sufficiently complex for a Shuckle story. Trying to teach a water type to swim is certainly not the usual beginning of stories. ;) Good work.


Grammar: You need to check this and your spelling some. In your first couple of paragraphs, slowly, correctly, and other words are spelt wrong. I'm not really sure what "continuasley" is. Also, you have a few grammar errors. For example, "If Tsunami dosen't learn to swim, we'll never get moving on".

This is a bit of an awkward sentence. Perhaps "If Tsunami doesn't learn to swim, we'll never get to move on" would be better? Or, any other variation with all the words having the same time would be fine. However, you went from paste tense- "If Tsunami doesn't learn to swim"- to a rather unusual tense. "We'll never get moving on" sounds a bit odd. We'll never get to move on works a lot better. Or, we'll never begin to move on, or even We'll never start moving on would work. We'll never get moving on, however, is not accurate.


Detail: Your details were very good, and held my interest. However, a Shuckle is a medium Pokemon, so you should have 20-30K. You have about 12K. ^_^ Adding more detail would help with this.

Battle: Your battles were good. However, they seemed a bit turnbased. ^_^ Try to vary things a bit. Don't be afraid to do things that aren't strictly 'attacks'. A pokemon could use its environment if you want, like throwing rocks even if it doesn't know Rock Throw, or splashing a fire type if water is nearby. This is alright for a Shuckle, just try to add a bit more to your battles in the future. Even having them be less turn based would be nice. If a Pokemon has the advantage, they can press on, without giving the other a chance to attack back right away.

Overall: Shuckle not captured. This was a good, fun story, but there were a few things that need a bit of work. First, you really need more length. Second, try to fix the grammar a little.

Once you've done this, PM me for a regrade.

Last edited by FireflyK; 02-20-2007 at 11:48 PM.
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Old 03-22-2007, 09:24 PM
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Default Re: Shuckle It Up; Get Training!

This is much better. The grammar errors have been fixed, and you also added a lot more information about your character. However, for a Shuckle, it is still very short. Shuckle are a Medium Pokemon, requiring 20-30K.
A good story can, of course, be 2 or 3 K short. However, you only have 12K or so... So you're about 8K short here. Please try to add a bit more to this story.
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Old 03-25-2007, 01:34 AM
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Default Re: Shuckle It Up; Get Training!

Kay, re-edited it. But, man, I still wish I had a spell check and character counter. D=
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Old 03-25-2007, 02:31 AM
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Default Re: Shuckle It Up; Get Training!

http://allworldphone.com/count-words-characters.htm

Try this one. ^_^
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My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.
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Old 03-25-2007, 02:33 AM
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Default Re: Shuckle It Up; Get Training!

Thank you much. -bookmarks- I'll work on the story a little more, now.
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Old 03-25-2007, 11:00 PM
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Default Re: Shuckle It Up; Get Training!

Much better. =) You've fixed basically everything I pointed out, and added enough length for this to pass.
Shuckle Captured.
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My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.
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Old 03-25-2007, 11:01 PM
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Default Re: Shuckle It Up; Get Training!

Took long enough. x3 Thanks!
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