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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 03-08-2007, 07:29 AM
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Default A Karpy Tale

The City of Ongoing Water


Sootopolis was a beautiful city Mostly full of water, a range of pokemon lived outside of Sootopolis, but only one family of pokemon swam around Sootopolis and that was Magikarp, of course of course there weren’t many trainers around Sootopolis for a few reasons usually Magikarp was too weak to capture or train against and Gyarados was too strong to train against or capture. Sootopolis was split in half and in the middle of both half’s stood the water pokemon Gym and around all of the gym was a huge lake, which was full of Magicarp and the rarely seen Gyrados. The Leader of the Sootopolis gym was Walter he was a lover of all water types, he absolutely adored all water types. Tourist rarely came to Sootopolis because of the hard climb to get inside Sootopolis and Sootopolis was actually pretty bare there was only one thing that made trainers come to Sootopolis and that was the gym and in fact It was the last gym before you could challenge the Elite4. There weren’t any sights there was A pokemon-center A Poke-mart and a couple of houses dotted around the town.

It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, the lake was crystal clear and calm. Magikarp leaped out of the water from time to time and Gyarados were nowhere to be seen.
A young lad by the name of Will was of for his last Badge he had to win. Will was a tall young lad, coming up to fourteen he had gelled up hair, he had brown eyes, and he was extremely bright.
Will was thinking “ It's time I am gonna challenge him and win I will take his badge and get to the Elite 4 were I can become the champion ".
When suddenly, a golden Magikarp leapt out of the water,It's scales were golden shining brightly, the crystal clear water turned into a beautiful shade of gold and stardust glimmered behind the Magikarp as it leapt up in the air. Magikarp's eyes glanced at will then it stared at Will's badges, Magikarp sped over to Will and gulped his badge's down his throat. Will stared in amazement when he snapped out of it the Magikarp had nearly got back into the lake.
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Last edited by Metagross Fan; 03-23-2007 at 08:25 AM.
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  #2  
Old 03-13-2007, 08:15 AM
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Default Re: A Karpy Tale

Battle under the sea


With a slight amount of hesitation Will grabbed his fishing rod and threw the line across, the hook moved ever closer to the pokemon but the Magicarp grew even closer to the lake when the hook grabbed on to the last scale of Magicarps last tail fin. Will was delighted he let out a huge breath and then tightened his grab on his fishing rod and cleared his mind while tugging as hard as he could. Will wouldn’t let go he had to get this last pokemon, Will let out a huge shriek and tugged as hard as he could his arms were in pain but he would not stop, then when he least expected it, TheMagicarp pulled Will into the water. Will held his breath and fell into the deep pool of water, he opened his eyes and he was amazed many pokemon were living under the pool like Starmie, Mudkip,Feebas, poliwag and many others, but Wills concentration was on his badges, Will wouldn't let go whatever happened, but through a cave a wailord was passing by and it got tangled in the rod, Will was in trouble, the wailord broke the rod and the Magikarp had escaped. Will was in deep trouble. The hook digged onto Wailords back Wailord shifted and started swimming in the direction the Magicarp was Will smirked and put on his breathing mask so he could stay under water. Will rod the wailord until he caught up with Magikarp, Will took off the hook and Wailord was on his way, Will was goin to get his badges back this was the fight to the finish.
“Go, Kazy” roared Will.
A Psyduck stood in front of the golden colored Magicarp ready and waiting.
" what Psyduck, no, Alakazam could finish the job quick, fine, use water gun ".
“ Karp karp karp karp karp” Mumbled the golden Magicarp.
psydick stood there gazing into Magicarp and fired a weak water gun, Magicarp chuckled and hit psyduck with a strong tackle attack Will was In shock this Magikarp was strong.
Will's a huge grin on his face disapeared.
" Try confusion psyduck " said Will worried.
This time Psyduck grinned and said “ psy psy duck duck” while nodding his head forwards and backwards. Psyduck stepped forward and waved his hands and closed his eyes and started thinking then a huge blast of psycic energy blasted out of Psyducks Mind and attacked the Magikarp. The Magikarp mumbled in a scared manor “ karp karp karp karp karp karp karp karp”.
Magikarp was weak this was Will's last chance he threw his pokeball and crossed his fingers the rest was up to luck......

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Last edited by Metagross Fan; 03-23-2007 at 08:24 AM.
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  #3  
Old 03-14-2007, 04:02 AM
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Default Re: A Karpy Tale

Story: Nothing new or original, it is for a Magikarp, after all. I wish I could say there was something about this that stuck out, but that is sadly not the case. It almost looks like you just typed this as you went, not even putting it in MS Word or thinking up something a bit more exciting. As MUCH as Magikarp shouldn't be putting a strain on people since it's the easiest capture, I still wish that you got more creative than this. Going to Sootopolis and saying there are Magikarp living there is fine, but perhaps there is something more special about that area and the sea life it holds? Just stating that and then finding one is just so ... typical. You didn't win me over here.

Spelling/Grammar: Kind of messy, really. Some of the sentences NEED periods somewhere, as they're run ons as they are now, you miss plenty of commas, and you don't capitalize many nouns or names.

Quote:
Sootopolis was a beautiful city Mostly full of water, a range of pokemon lived outside of Sootopolis but only one family of pokemon swam around Sootopolis and that was Magicarp, of course of course there weren’t many trainers around Sootopolis for a few reasons usually Magicarp was too weak to capture or train against and Gyrados was too strong to train against or capture.
This is just one huge incomplete sentence - as it is, it's grammatically incorrect and just sloppy. Throw a period in there somewhere, please. Also, why do you randomly capitalize "mostly"? Unless it's a noun (person, place, thing), you don't capitalize random words in sentences. 'Pokemon' is a noun, and should be capitalized, and 'Magikarp' and 'Gyarados' are spelled wrong. Please look up Pokemon names and fix these with a spelling check document with MS Word. There are more sentences like this, too, that need to have a period in somewhere to make it an actual sentence and not a run-on (the beginning paragraphs of both posts, mostly) - find them and correct them.

Quote:
“Go Kazy” roared Will
“Try a psychic Kazy” ordered Will
Uh, where are the periods? Without them, you don't "close" your sentences and the reader will assume it's part of the next sentence - not good. You also need commas after "go" and "Psychic", as you need them after actions and commands. 'Psychic' also needs to be capitalized, as it is an attack name. Again, look through and correct these to make your story appear more clean and easy on the eyes for readers.

Length: Good for a Magikarp, but the grammar and dull story didn't really help your grade.

Detail/Description: Lacking, but I suppose that is fine for a simple story such as this. You don't describe Will (I have no idea what he looks like), attacks, or locations and Pokemon used. If you ever go for anything more rare than this, this section is absolutely necessary. I'll ease up on you here just because it's for the ever common fish, but you will want to actually describe anything you put down next time around.

Battle: Alakazam against Magikarp hardly seems fair. It doesn't even attack! If you look up his moves on any site, you'll see it knows more than just Splash. It also learns Tackle, Flail, and maybe another move. Although the battle is extremely one-sided, you could at least have the carp try and fight back. It could cause a wave to hit Alakazam and blind him temporarily, or something - just anything to make this more exciting.

Outcome: Magikarp Not Captured! - Clean up the spelling and grammar, maybe put in more detail and I'll be happy to give this a different grade when you've done so.
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  #4  
Old 03-23-2007, 08:25 AM
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Default Re: A Karpy Tale

I edited some more can I have a regrade please
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  #5  
Old 03-27-2007, 05:21 AM
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Default Re: A Karpy Tale

You did some of what I suggested, it seems, but I still want to see more of everything next time. Your grammar could use some work, too.

Magikarp Captured!
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  #6  
Old 03-27-2007, 03:36 PM
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Default Re: A Karpy Tale

Yay I finnaly got it thanks Megumi I will try much harder next time
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