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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 03-26-2007, 11:32 PM
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Default Goooo pokeball!

I walked down a deserted dirt road.I saw a few HootHoot.....some Rattata.....and a Pidgey.I threw my two pokeballs into the air and my best friend came out.My new pokemon Bulbasaur.Who obviously didn't like me,sat down and glared.I turned after it gave me a slam with it's known move tackle.I turned in anger."Listen don't go hitting me every chance you get cuase if you are attacked i might not save you.And atleast be nice.I mean what did Squirtle do......oh yeah he beat you up.Please be nice and we will be nice in return."My anger had subsided and Bulbasaur looked as if it was in deep thought.Considering it stuck it's arm out for a hand shake with Squirtle.Who grabbed it's hand and shook it nervously.


I returned the two Pokemon and began walking agian.Lost in thought i didn't notice that a Minun and a Plusle joined the walk.It was more as if they were just hanging out then curious.I tripped over a rock and hit the ground.Hitting my nose directly on the dirt,blood splattered on the ground.The two Electric pokemon,whom i just noticed,ran over and began helping me up.Still bleeding from the impact my nose turned purple.The Minun and Plusle,with their sharp eyes,began acting iregular.Running,i followed them as they ran threw bushes and groups of pokemon.Leading me to the next town.Directly into the local pokemon center and to Nurse joy.I tried to tell her why my nose was so messed up.But blood and the shape of my nose stuffed my voice,making it sound like i was in a deep well.

After giving me a Potion and some Advil the Hair line fracture healed and my nose turned back to it's normal,rosy color."So Nurse Joy,are these to Guys your pokemon?"I asked.Poking my nose to make sure it was totaly healed.She looked at the pair."The Plusle is one i happened to come across just about a year ago.When it was a newly discovered pokemon.But i have never seen that Minun around untill ls week.When it arrived it would wait for the Trainer's pokemon to get healed and then it would Use THunder on them,trying to get them to chase it outside.But they would always think it ran away for good.It has done this every day since it first arrived.I still can't figure out why......"Her voice trailed of.I stood up and sent out Bulbasaur.I'm pretty sure i know what it wants.I said as i ushered Nurse Joy and Minun to come outside.


After we established the area,i began to tell Joy about what the Minun wants."It wantsa to battle.A few times at my old home town Pallet town i used to watch pokemon contests.And every few minutes i would look over and see that Minun watching the battle.I think it wants to try it."Nurse Joy had a confused look on her face.(Remember now that this is the sleepy Joy)"I-"she began but i cut her off."Please begin the battle Nurse Joy.I wanna capture this one."I yelled from across the plain,whjere Minun set itself on battle mode.Nurse Joy held out her arms above her."The match between Brandon of Pallet town and the Wild MInun will now begin!GO!"She yelled.(yawning in the process).I looked at BUlbasaur."Bulbasaur use tackle!"I ordered as the small Bulb pokemon snickered.Shooting soil covered seeds and planting them on Minun.I looked stunned."I um...didn't know you had that move,okay.......Razor leaf!"I commanded.The pokemon oblidged and shot leafs from the side of it's bulb.


Minun,who is trying to get the seeds of of itself,barley dodges one,shoots one down with a thunder bolt,but is not so lucky with the last one.The small Electric pokemon was hit directly in the side,knocking it down.AS it tried to get up,green balls of energy slung themselves out of Minun into Bulbasaur,healing any and all scuffs and marks on it.Minun called out in pain and stood up,pulling all of the seeds off and shocked BUlbasaur with Shock wave.Paralyzing it.BUlbasaur who had one last attack in it before it was completely paralyzed picked up Minun and slammed it into the ground with it's Vine whip.Bulbasaur stopped and didn't even say a word.Obviously from the paralyzed thing.Minun meraculasly stoo up with a grin.It was moving and Bulbasaur wasn't,he had won.Exept for one little thing.I chuckled."Um Minun,look at your foot."I began to luagh harder.Minun gave me a confused look and stared at it's feet.It was shocked to see that one of Bulbasaurs vines was still wrapped around Minun's leg.It looked up as it was slammed into a nearby wall.It didn't move."Gooooo pokeball!"I yelled as the crimson sphere transfered the pokemon into it.I sat down and waited....
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Last edited by red 23 blue; 03-27-2007 at 01:05 AM.
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  #2  
Old 03-27-2007, 12:28 AM
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Default Re: Goooo pokeball!

Story - You encounter a Minun, it helps you when you trip, and you decide to catch it. This is the kind of plot that would work for Simple Pokemon, like a Wurmple or a Caterpie, but Minun is a Medium ranked Pokemon, and requires a more involved plot than this. Browse the stories that other people have done, and see what kind of deep and complex plots they have to get an idea of what is expected for a Pokemon like Minun.

Grammar and Spelling- You've got some spelling errors that could have easily been corrected by typing the story in Microsoft Word and using spell-check. Also, your minor grammar problems, such as not putting a space after a sentence could have been fixed by spell-check as well. Understand how useful spell-check can be. Spell-check is your friend.

Length - This story is much too short for a Minun. Being a Medium level Pokemon, any story for Minun is expected to have at least 20k-30k characters. This story has 4.5k, enough for something simple like Wurmple, but not for Minun. If you were only about 2k short or so, that'd be another story, but this story is much too short for the Pokemon you're trying to capture.

Detail - There is some detail in here, but overall you could use some more. Adding description that tells the reader about the environment, what the setting looks like, what the characters smells or hears, all help to pull the reader in.

Battle - You seem like if you put more effort into it, you could make a pretty good battle. There was some description for the moves, that was good that you didn't just list them. You let Bulbasaur get Paralyzed, so it wasn't one-sided. But again, the length is causing you trouble. The battle has to be longer. Maybe let Bulbasaur faint and have a second Pokemon take its place, or make Minun stronger, so it can pull off more attacks.

Outcome - Minun Not Captured! This first story would very probably be acceptable for an Easiest level Pokemon, but it wont work for Minun. Take a look at The Big List of URPG Pokemon, and understand the requirments each Pokemon needs to be caught. Try going after something Easiest or Simple first, and once you get more practice and experience go after something more challenging like Minun.
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Last edited by Razzmatazz; 03-27-2007 at 12:32 AM.
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  #3  
Old 03-27-2007, 02:55 AM
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Default Re: Goooo pokeball!

Thanks for grading so quickly~
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Minun practically flew out of the pokeball.Bulbasaur,who is still paralyzed,stood there shocked.Not like it was gonna run around in circles shocked or anything but it was shocked.It had given Minun the best it had.Or had it?Not knowing if it had tried hard enough,Bulbasaur noticed that Minun was not on the field.Matter of fact it wasn't even near the area.It was across the street at a pokemart eating......ORAN BERRYS?"Wait a sec,i yelled,that's not fair!You can't heal yourself when Bulbasaur can't heal itsel-oh the potions Oak gave me."I trailed my own voice as i reached into my bag and got a potion.I sprayed it on Bulbasaur."It might not heal the paralyzed part but your healthy.No let's do this Bulbasaur!"I pepped Bulbasaur while Minun finished it's meal and ran back.I ordered Bulbasaur to use Vine whip,which Bulbasaur actually pulled of by forcing Minun to dodge one and sling the other from above,smashing minun into the ground.

"Great Bulbasaur,now use Leech seed!"I yelled excitedly.Bulbasaur was able to shoot the soiled seeds but they were covered by blue electricity.wow......i can use the paralyzation against Minun...AWESOMENEss! i thought.I was hopping Joyously when i realized we were still fighting.I just snapped back in-time to see Minun be effected by it's own effect from the electric move it used."Bulbasaur,use razor leaf if you can!"I commanded.Bulbasaur yelled and the Sparks that were flying around it's body came of in a shock wave form.Temporarily stunning me and Minun.I just saw the Razor leaf attack get boosted by the shock wave.Increasing it's max power."Nice one BUlbasaur!"I yelled.The boosted Leaf slammed into Minuns arm when it tried to dodge the attack.Blood trickling out of the gash onto the pavement.Minun tried to cover it up but the blood was gushing out at large quantities."Bulbasaur Vine whip that gash on Minuns arm!"I yelled as Bulbasaur continued the attack.

Minun ran around shooting electric Bolts here and there.Usually stopping the Vines from making contact.But it missed and tripped on a rock,falling to the ground."Bulbasaur use Razor leaf agian!"I ordered.And the leafs flew at Minun.At this point the Leech seed's effect had brung out the greens orbs.The leafs accidently sliced through the health orbs and gained power and speed as it flew threw the air."Bulbasaur,use vine whip and grab the remaining orbs to heal yourself and dodge that thunder attack!"I said quickly,so Bulbasaur got the message quick enough to dodge and heal itself.Minun,on the other hand,had just been hit by the leafs.Sliding across the gravel and pavement,the electric pokemon's little paws were being bloodied up.And it couldn't walk well.Now im sitting here thinking"I saw Minun use a special attack,but i forget what it is.Hmm....."I thought but dug nothing up.

Then Minun shot blue electricity,obviously thunder wave,and paralyzed Bulbasaur.Then it used thunder and knocked Bulbasaur back.Thinking ignorantly and childishly i came up with a stunt."Use vine whip on this pokeball Bulbasaur!"I yelled as i threw the crimson sphere.The vine whip boosted the balls speed and it smacked Minun in the face.It then transfered it inside.I sat down with fatigue and waited.....
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  #4  
Old 03-27-2007, 01:22 PM
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Default Re: Goooo pokeball!

Story - The same as before, this story isn't complex enough for Minun, and I don't think anything had been changed.

Grammar and Spelling- You've seem to forget to put a space after periods. After a period, you have to put a space first, then start your new sentence. The same rule goes for commas as well, and it seems that you do this at every one. Also, things that relate to the Pokemon world should start with a capital letter. Like when you say Bulbasaur used Razor Leaf, make sure to capitalize the name of the attack.

Length - Even with what you added, this only comes out to roughly 8k characters, and Minun needs at least 20k-30k. In order for you to get the right length, you'd have to add a lot more to the story part, not just the battle.
http://www.javascriptkit.com/script/...harcount.shtml
That's a character counter. Copy and paste your story into that to see how many characters it has, and do look the Big List of URPG Pokemon. That list shows that Minun needs 20k-30k characters, but it shows that a smiliar Electric type - Pichu - only needs 5k-10k characters. If this story were for Pichu, the length would be fine, but Minun is rarer and requires more length and effort.

Detail - The new part has minor detail, but you still should expand on it.
Quote:
It was across the street at a pokemart eating......ORAN BERRYS?
Say for this sentence, maybe try something like this, "Minun had scurried across the street to the local PokeMart, where it proceeded to messily stuff its face with Oran Berries, in a desperate attempt to restore its health." It may not seem important to spend time on little details, but notice how much longer it made the sentence? By doing that, you can add to your length and increase the level of detail at the same time.

Battle - Again, you have good ideas that seem to be rushed. The way you combined Bulbasaur's attacks with electricity to do more damage was creative, and the battle istelf may be on Minun's level now. But a battle alone can't get the Pokemon.

Outcome - Minun Not Captured! I can see you're trying, and it seems to me that Minun may be a little too hard for your experience level. Most first stories try to get an easy Pokemon, because often the writer isn't sure what to expect. Now if this story were for a Pichu, or another Easy or Simple level Pokemon, you'd probably get the capture. Try for something easier at first, and move on to more challenging Pokemon later.
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  #5  
Old 03-27-2007, 04:44 PM
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Default Re: Goooo pokeball!

Thanks....i'll work on different ones.....
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