Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 03-27-2007, 03:33 AM
Gamedude's Avatar
Gamedude Offline
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: CANADA! Eh!
Posts: 3,101
Send a message via AIM to Gamedude Send a message via MSN to Gamedude Send a message via Skype™ to Gamedude
Default Summer Camp is not so bad...

Main People:

Gamedude: A pre-teen with one care, computers! He never likes going out of his house.

Steven: Gamedude’s best friend, Steven loves sports and loves fighting pokemon

Jason: The leader of the camp


Chapter 1- Not Summer Camp!

“Now I know it is the last day here at school so I will give you your report card now” said Mr. Chopor, said my teacher as he picked up he big light brown glasses.

“If I don’t get one A, I have to go to summer camp” I told Steven as I login on my laptop.

“Same here” said Steven as he hoped for the best.

Now the teacher was very confused when he gave out the report cards, maybe he made a mistake on the report card but the grades were not good at all. Now how he marked them, I don’t know but my best mark was a 78 percent and that was in computer class. Well maybe I will go and find a new pokemon and add it to my list.
I heard they have wild pokemon like Charmande and stuff. My friend got a pokemon last year there.

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring!!!! That was the school bell and that was time for SUMMER CAMP!!!!
I know that Steven is very sad, so sad that he looks like he is going to cry. I would do the same but my girl friend is looking and you know that saying, I real man doesn’t cry! Well that is what my dad says to my little brother when he is crying.

“How much money do you have Gamedude?” Steven said as he walks down the hall with me. “Well I have some money to get a round 3 great balls, you?” as I push the school door open. “I have money to get 6 pokeballs” as we walked down the block
“My dad is buying them right now” I said. “Same” said Steven

“What pokemon is there were we are going” I asked as we walk down the road. ”I will Email the pokemon to you after school” said Steven.

By the time I got to my house and my dad and mom saw my report card, I was in my room on the computer waiting for my email.

“PING! You got mail” said the computer, as gamedude reads the email.
The list had a round 60 pokemon names and were abouts. I just had to send him an email back saying that the second we are there that we are going hunting for pokemon!

The next day Gamedude and Steven turned off there Mp3 and went in side.

“Welcome camper! I’m Jason you camp leader!” said a man that sounded very happy… a little too happy. “We can go play out side soon just every one make sure that your bags are in your room, witch I will tell who is with who after lunch.
Me and Steven went up the hill into the forest to find some pokemon. “I hope I can get something that is super cool” said Steven as he walked forwards.

Some leafs moved, it was a Tangela! “He is mine“I said as I called out psyduck.

“Psyduck use Scratch on him!” Gamedude said as Psyduck used Scratch.
Tangela used Growth
“Psyduck use Scratch on him!” I said
Psyduck used Scratch

“Now that he is weak, go and get it!”
Gamedude uses a great ball and did not work

“Psyduck Scratch him now!” Gamedude was getting mad
Psyduck use Scratch

Tangela looked like he could not take any more

Gamedude used a great ball




Ready for Grade!!!!!
__________________

URPG STATS

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lord Khajmer View Post
Looks like Craig isn't the only one surfing PE2K while high as a kite.

Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 03-27-2007, 01:40 PM
Finch's Avatar
Finch Offline
Inazuma
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 5,201
Send a message via Skype™ to Finch
Default Re: Summer Camp is not so bad...

OK, my first grade! I hope I do a good job of this.

Story:
Hey, it's OK, it just hasn't developed much at all. I'm launched straight into a battle from almost nowhere and you changed setting at... lightning speed... I'd like to see more of a problem/resolution here, you just stumbled on a Tangela and grabbed it, not so good.

Detail:
It's... OK, but could use some work. You definitely tried to incorporate some description, but it was a little basic. "About to cry" is good imagery to describe a sad emotion, but "On the verge of tears" makes it sound more elegant, and more interesting to the reader. Just work on using some nicer vocabulary.

Grammar/Spelling:
Not too bad, but at times it felt a little sloppy. A good few minor mis-spellings (typing errors, I suppose) such as "Charmande", but also some grammatical slips such as incorrect pluralization (leafs > leaves) and missing punctiation ("He is mine" > "He is mine,") so try to look out for those. Word is your friend. Use those spelling/grammar tools, and you'll go far.

Length:
Well... pretty short. To be honest with you, it's barely enough for a magikarp. Length will come with detail, so work on that and you'll see your character count rocket. Check the big list of URPG Pokemon (or whatever it's called) when you write to make sure you're aiming in the right region.

Battle:
Barely one at all, mainly due to the length of the story on the whole, I felt. You didn't describe the way they battled, you just told us the moves they used. Also, your target gave in way too easily. A scratch isn't going to be enough. It's gonna fight back.

Outcome:
Tangela not captured. Sorry, Gamedude, your story was nice for a start but you need to put a little more effort in to get the Pokemon. Describe every character, setting, and action in detail and you can't go far wrong. And remember to type it up in Word for the spelling tools. :)
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 03-28-2007, 03:04 AM
Gamedude's Avatar
Gamedude Offline
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: CANADA! Eh!
Posts: 3,101
Send a message via AIM to Gamedude Send a message via MSN to Gamedude Send a message via Skype™ to Gamedude
Default Re: Summer Camp is not so bad...

Chapter 2- Lost

”Too bad it did not work” I said as the pokemon ran into the forest. “Where are we?” ask Steven. I really did not know my self because I was too happy when I was fighting the pokemon that I forgot where we are. “I think we came from there” said Steven as he slowly points north. “If you think that is the way then it is the way because you got a better grade then me in reading a map” I said as I look at my pokenav.

We walk for hours and hours until we hit a great big lake. “I don’t remember there being a lake near the camp” said Steven as he looked around. I was freaking so much that I was about to swim to the boat shop and burn down the….! Then I remembered. “There is a boat house on this lake” I said. “How would you know?” said Steven. “It was on the map in front of the building” I said as I looked a round for any shops, houses or buildings. “Lets walk a round the lake then” Steven said as he started to walk.

The sun was going down and we have been walking for hours. “We need to set up camp now before it is dark out” said Steven. “I think there is a cave up a head” I said as I saw a cave like finger. “I see it now” said Steven. “We are spending the night there” I said as I look at the list that Steven emailed me.

“Wow there is geodudes near here!” I said as we walk into the caves. “Do you think we will get back to camp” said Steven randomly to me. “Who knows, I go will go and get some wood” I said as I went and looked for some wood. Right now I was so sad that nothing could bring me up.

“Mmmmmm….. Let me see” I said to my self teasingly. I saw about 10 great big fat trees but I had one little problem. HOW I’M I GOING TO CUT THEM DOWN!!! I guess “I have to break some parts off” Craig said madly as he climbed up a tree. About 10 minutes later, I came back to the cave with 6 thick sticks. “Make the fire Steven!!! And I will sleep!!” I said as I laded down to sleep.

In my dream, I was on the computer and I was trapped in side the computer. “HELP! Help! I said over and over. No one could help me.

“Gamedude wake up” someone said. “Gamedude!” said someone. I know who that is but whom… BAM! Some thunder woke me up. “What… What is going on?” I asked. “It is time to wake up” Steven said as he looked out the cave at the wet gray stormy sky.

“So what now?” ask Steven. “Well I want to hunt down a pokemon!” said Gamedude. “Ok, I’m guessing you want a geodude because it is your computer desktop background” Steven said happily. “I think there down her” I said as I wake down the cave. “Remember if the cave starts moving we are gone!” Steven said fast. We walk for about a two hours until we saw a sleeping geodude on the wall.

“GO PSYDUCK!” I said
Geodude wakes up
“Use water gun!”
Geodude is hit and gets mad and uses Tackle
Psyduck is hit!
“Psyduck use water gun”
Water gun did not hit geodude
Geodude used Rock cart
“Psyduck use Water gun like crazy”
Psyduck use it so hard that psyduck was about to faint
“Time to use the old pokeball”
I throw the Pokeball and hit the Geodude forceing it to go into the pokeball. Making geodude trap inside. The Pokeball wiggles, wiggles, wiggles, wiggles. “COME ON AND WORK!” The pokeball wiggles, wiggles, wiggles, wiggles. ”Come on, I will be so happy if it works. The pokeball flashes and flashes until….




Ready for Grade


Note!
Words: 725
Pages: 2
__________________

URPG STATS

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lord Khajmer View Post
Looks like Craig isn't the only one surfing PE2K while high as a kite.


Last edited by Gamedude; 03-28-2007 at 03:09 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 03-28-2007, 11:30 AM
Finch's Avatar
Finch Offline
Inazuma
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 5,201
Send a message via Skype™ to Finch
Default Re: Summer Camp is not so bad...

Attempt some of the things I said you could improve on, and then PM me for a regrade...
__________________
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:07 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com