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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 08-15-2009, 01:04 AM
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Default Shocking, Isn't it? -Complete, grader needed-

OoC: Alrighty now, this isn't my first story in general, but it is my first here with someone to grade it. My main character is someone I made for a Mystery Story in class. She's really a vampire, which explains why she looks dangerous and has dark red eyes. And why her brother has gold eyes and dark red hair. So, yea.... In reality, Rowan is twenty-one and Ash is twenty-four. I might have some major mistakes regarding tense and spelling. When I right, I write at completely different times. Sometimes I won't right for a week. So I forget, on occaision, what tense I'm writing in. And I can't spell to save my life. That's all, I think.

Pokemon Target: Mareep (Simple)
Characters Required: 5,000 - 10,000
Characters without Spaces: 7,829
Characters with Spaces: 9,447

A tall, dark-haired girl walked out of the Pokemon Center, her eyes closed. Her long eyelashes cast dark shadows over her tanned skin. Black bangs fell over her left eye, almost completely hiding it. She was young, only about sixteen, though she looked like she was eighteen. Her figure was slender, elegant, and downright beautiful. Though her lips were stern, showing a cold face.

She looked, almost.... dangerous.

By her side, rubbing against her black jeans, was a black-furred pokemon, it’s forehead decorated with what would appear to be a skull. The Houndour’s trainer wasn’t quite sure what it was, and never bothered enough to ask.

"Hound?" the dark type pokemon barked, raising his voice in a question. He looked to the East almost dreamily, looking like he wanted to run through the grass again. Like he had the day before.

"Hey! Row!" a male voice called from the door, a few yards away from the girl, Rowan. "Are you going to Route 42? There are some pretty awesome Pokemon down that way. I there are even some Spearow down that way. You told me you wanted a Fearow some day."

"Yes, Ash. I do. They are pretty powerful pokemon," the girl replied, turning to face her brother.

He was only a few inches taller then his sister, even though he was two years older then Rowan. His hair was a dark red, hanging lightly on his shoulders. Rowan always told him he should cut his hair since he looks way too much like a girl otherwise. But Ash loved it, saying it fit well with his gold eyes. He sported a dark gold jacket and light jeans, his signature look. Around his neck hung a pendent made from some rare stone that even Ash forgot the name of. The stone had been craved to look like a Skorupi, a pokemon that their father had given Ash on his sixteenth birthday.

Speaking of which, the Scorpion Pokemon was right beside his trainer, looking at Rowan with an almost smug look on his face.

"Why do you care so much about how powerful they are, anyways? I mean, won’t you settle for some nice cute pokemon? I know there are some Mareep on the Route!" Ash said cheerfully, standing besides his sister. Skorupi clattered his way over to Houndour, grinning at it. The Dark Pokemon growled at him, baring his teeth.

"Houndour," Rowan snapped. "Behave." Reaching down to pet her starter, Rowan ran her fingers through the short black fur. "You need to get a bath, don’t you? You’re fur is feeling a bit coarse..."

"You worry too much about Houndour’s appearance. I mean, seriously, Row," Ash fussed, keeling besides the dark/fire type and scratching behind his ears. "He’s adorable!"
Houndour barked loudly, startling Rowan.

"Ugh. Whatever," she grumbled, walking a few feet down the path. "Come on, Houndour. We’re going to train on Route 42. Now." Houndour barked an approve, racing down the path from Ecruteak City to Route 42, his paws hitting the grass and gravel with loud thuds.
"Houndour!!! Wait up!" Rowan shouted, racing after her pokemon after grabbing a small black bag that she had left by the PokeCenter the night before.

Ash sighed, sitting on the ground besides his little blue Skorupi. "You think they’ll be ok out there," he asked, hand on the bug’s head.

The pokemon shrugged. "Skoruu," he mused, climbing onto Ash’s lap.

"I guess you’re right. Rowan will just defeat every pokemon she sees. She needs to catch a few pokemon before she’s ready to face a gym leader or anything. A strong team is what wins a battle."

~-~-~-~-~***~-~-~-~-~

Rowan stopped when she came across a small field of grass, letting the cool breeze lift her hair up. She glanced back, thankful that her brother wasn’t following her, like he always did. He loved to tag along.

In the breeze, she could here the sounds of Ledyba chirping, the caws of Spearow and Pidgey. She looked around the lush little grassland, searching for a Pokemon that looked worth fighting, in her mind. Before she could even lift her finger to point at a fierce looking Fearow that was resting in one of the scarce trees, her Houndour started to bark.

"What is it?" she demanded, glaring at her Starter Pokemon. The Houndour looked up at her with a burning determination in his eyes. The Dark Pokemon turned back to the grassy field, black nose pointed at a few stray Mareep.

"No," Rowan said quietly. "We’re going after the--" Another loud bark and Houndour was off, racing towards the fluffy sheep-like Pokemon.

"Stupid Pokemon..." Rowan murmured under her breath before hurrying after her Pokemon.

Houndour was howling and growling at the Mareep before he even got close to most of them, causing them to flee in every direction. Expect for one. This one was fluffier then the rest, with a orange orb on it’s tail, instead of a yellow one. This Mareep had started to run straight ahead of the Trainer and her Pokemon, but had tripped on either the tail of a Mareep in front of it, or on a rock. It was hard to tell.

But Houndour has easily caught up to it, bouncing around the grass to face the fallen Mareep. "Houndour!" he cried, before unleashing a powerful Crunch attack on the poor Mareep. The Dark Pokemon’s teeth had grown an inch before sinking into the Mareep’s fluff.

"Houndour! Get back here!" Rowan called, stopping a few feet away from the battling pair. The dog-like Pokemon glared back at his trainer, barked, and then bounced backwards to stand in front of Rowan.

"Come on, we don’t need this," she said quietly, turning away when her brother appeared besides her, shaking his head and wagging his finger.

"Look at your Pokemon, Row," he said sternly, acting more like an adult then he normally did. Rowan glanced at Houndour, who was still eyeing the fleeing Mareep with longing eyes. "Looks to me like Houndour wants to battle that Mareep. Why don’t you try to catch it?"

Rowan sighed. "Fine," she grumbled. "Houndour, use your Fire Fang on it."

Ash grinned, taking a quick step backwards as Houndour raced towards the Mareep, opening his mouth to show his teeth, now glowing a light red. Right before Mareep could turn around and defend itself, Fire Fang hit, leaving scorch marks in the Electric type’s fleece.

“Maaaaaaar!" Mareep cried, stepping back carefully as tens of thousands of little sparks started across its fleece. In a flash, a bolt of thunder, as wide as the orb on Mareep’s tail, shot from the small blue mouth. Houndour’s eyes widened and he let out a startled cry before jumping to the side, narrowly missing the Thunder attack.

Dour!” Houndour let out a short whimper, turning his head to look at his side. The fur had been slightly grazed off, looking almost darker then it had before.

“Dammit,” Rowan muttered under her breath, smacking her hand on her forehead. "That was close."

“That sure was one powerful Thunder,” Ash mused. “You really should catch that Mareep. You could evolve it into a powerful Ampharos.”

Rowan paused, smiling now. “You know Ash, that’s a pretty good idea,” she said, her dark eyes taking a competitive look. “Houndour! Use your Flamethrower attack!”

Wisps of fire floated around Houndour’s jaw as he let loose a terrible fire stream, scorching the grass where Mareep was. But the Mareep had scurried out of the way and was now fixing up a Thunder Shock. Houndour looked at his trainer with a expression of worry.

Rowan paused, trying to collect her thoughts. “Uh, Houndour… Get behind Mareep and use Crunch!” She shouted, glancing at her brother. Ash just nodded approvingly, not doing anything to help his sister out. This was her first battle, after all.

Houndour let out a large snap and snarl sound before racing to the back of the Wool Pokemon. Mareep glanced at him, trying to focus its attention on the moving Pokemon, but Houndour was much too fast for Mareep to catch up. Hound bite down hard on Mareep’s tail, causing Mareep to lose focus on its Thunder Shock attack.

Reeeeeep!” The Mareep cried, snapping its head back toward Houndour, shaking its tail to get rid of the canine like Pokemon. Houndour held tight though, doing some shaking of his own. Thanks to Houndour’s larger shape, he easily tossed Mareep aside, like a rag doll, despite the fact that they were both the same size. Mareep landed in a huddle on the soft grass, looking like a pile of dirty wool.

“Yes! Now throw a Pokeball, Rowan. While Mareep is still down!” Ash cheered, punching the air like a little kid.

Rowan panicked. “I don’t have any Pokeballs, Ash! Give me one of yours!” she screamed back at him. Houndour let out a low howl, anxious for his Master to catch his new ‘friend’.

Ash nodded, tossing Pokeballs out of his backpack. As each one hit the ground, a different Pokemon emerged. First was Ash’s Skorupi, then his Aipom, and last his Pichu. “No, no, no,” he grumbled before finally taking out a black Pokeball, decorated red, white and yellow bands. A LuxuryBall. He grabbed it, tossing it to his sister. “Throw this!”

Rowan caught, the unique ball fumbling in her hands. “Thanks,” she whispered, unwilling to admit it to her brother. She paused, taking a deep breath, feeling the ball’s smooth, cold shell. She gave it a small kiss, right on the top, and whispered a few words of luck before throwing it at Mareep.

The LuxuryBall opened in midair, unleashing a red glow which surrounded the yellow Pokemon. The glow disappeared into the beautiful ball, landed on the ground and shook once.

Houndour padded over to it, watching it carefully and whimpering. Rowan held her breath. Even Ash’s Pokemon looked anxious, all of them watching the Pokeball closely.

“Come on, come on, come on,” Ash muttered as the ball shook again. That would be twice now.
__________________

Paired with my love, the incredibly awesome and amazingly fantastic Shock <3
Black and White Teams


Black FC: Alexa, 5243 2120 8993

Last edited by TsukiKaiki64; 08-15-2009 at 01:14 AM.
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  #2  
Old 08-15-2009, 06:44 AM
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Default Re: Shocking, Isn't it? -Complete, grader needed-

Mmkay, claimed, as per request. ^_^ Wewt~
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{URPG Stats}--{ASB Stats}--{Fanfiction}
khajmer = biffle
yoface = broham

thegalleonman: (8:37:28 PM) How sad.
thegalleonman: (8:37:37 PM) I'm amused.
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  #3  
Old 08-19-2009, 02:21 AM
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Default Re: Shocking, Isn't it? -Complete, grader needed-

Introduction: Setting, characters, and plot were all introduced quite well into this. There wasn’t a huge sense of “hook” that made the reader uber-eager to read on, though, which is sort of the “next step” when it comes to introductions. The foundation for introduction-writing is definitely there, so kudos. Consider working a bit “more” into the introduction—a glimpse of an intriguing plot, hilarious future situation, depressing future… you get the idea. This will also start to come a naturally when you’re writing a more complicated story. Not much chance of it for something of this length, hehe.

Pass. It did what it was supposed to do. Remember the “hook” when you get into longer pieces.

Plot: The trainer-miscellaneous terrain-Pokémon plot is sort of the “taboo” plot in URPG. For a Simple Pokémon, it’s “okay”, but not amazing. In the future, especially for higher level captures, but even for a simple, go for something with a bit more of a… twist… to it. Which isn’t to say, do the trainer goes somewhere and encounters a random Pokémon with a twist—in fact, just the opposite. Try to think of something new and epic, that you haven’t read, and that other people haven’t written. New ideas will make the graders love you, too.

As far as personal touches to this interpretation of the oft-used plot, there were quite a few… so kudos, there. The search for a specific Pokémon, thwarted, and the initial lack of a Pokéball—plus the brother’s input—were all additions not often seen. Still, though, the underlying plot base, although “eh” for something of this length, isn’t particularly gravitating.

Borderline pass. This was a bit of a warbling decision, but it’s your first URPG story, so you get a bit of leniency.

Grammar: You had quite a few sentence fragments. Remember: subject, predicate—a noun that, via the means of a verb, is acting upon another noun. Can’t technically have a complete sentence without those. …So watch out for that. There were only a few blips, when it comes down to it. In quite a few cases, you just added extra words that made the sentence incomplete. Look at this for a moment.

Quote:
Her figure was slender, elegant, and downright beautiful. Though her lips were stern, showing a cold face.
Two quick fixes for this—turn it into a single sentence, or take away the ‘though’. Either on is just as viable, although the latter adds emphasis to the apathy on her face. Generally, you should make decisions like that based on the impression you want to give the reader.

Another small thing: There was occasionally contraction confusion. Quick-reference….

your (possessive) — you’re (you are)
its (possessive) — it’s (it is)

Other than a few awkward phrases caused by extra words (like the aforementioned ‘though’), and the contractions, this is just fine. So, pass.

OH. And be nice to the graders’ short attention spans—don’t bold the dialogue. It gets distracting. XD

Details: You have the basics down, especially for a Simple capture. The details themselves, for the most part, are there; you’ll probably want to extend the description away from Pokémon and character descriptions, still, but the basics are there. In light of that, I’m just going to give you a tip or two to consider as you work on strengthening your writing.

One thing rather prominent in your writing was a certain element of making statements about the way something looks, rather than describing the appearance itself. If you make an outright statement about something, the additional descriptions need to back this up.

Let’s use this for an example. You say…

Quote:
She looked, almost.... dangerous.
There’s nothing wrong with stating that a character looks a certain way. It will have much more of an effect upon the reader, though, if the supporting details say this for you—in this instance, mainly by using words that make people think “agh, scary dangerous” and instead of just giving a basic feel of the character’s appearance, choosing specific details that create the same impression. Let’s take a look at…

Quote:
A tall, dark-haired girl walked out of the Pokemon Center, her eyes closed. Her long eyelashes cast dark shadows over her tanned skin. Black bangs fell over her left eye, almost completely hiding it. She was young, only about sixteen, though she looked like she was eighteen. Her figure was slender, elegant, and downright beautiful. Though her lips were stern, showing a cold face.
So, you want her to look, as you said, almost dangerous. Dark hair and long eyelashes, even with a cold face, aren’t particularly scary. This is where personification and metaphors (just to name a few methods) come in handy. Compare her to something that says “not-quite-dangerous” to you, to draw minds towards that element. Additionally, it seems that an air of borderline menace wants to emanate from this character, and that it’s just a bit diluted, hidden, maybe, by the beauty. Consider, then, cluing into specific aspects of appearance that say “beautiful, but dangerous” to you—other than just simple attributes of face and body. I dunno where you stand, but for me, I’d go for the fingernails—perhaps describe them as well-manicured but unadorned and freakishly sharp, through some means or another. It really depends entirely upon your perspective and how it relates to that character.

Some variation of these considerations can be applied to any person/place/thing you want to devote time to describing in detail.

Also, in general with the description, you should just add more. Be careful to describe Pokémon as much as possible, using methods other than animal comparison. Also include more details regarding settings and move appearances, as it’ll go pretty far to set a tone.

Pass; as I said, this was quite good for a Simple ‘Mon. That ramble was just for improvement’s sake. :P

Battle: Once again, quite appropriate for a 9k-ish Simple capture. In future, more complicated pieces, more moves and a bit more even-ended battle wouldn’t go amiss. This, however, was rather good—especially for a first battle. Putting more emphasis on the individual appearance of actions and moves would definitely give the battle a larger feel of suspense, which is always good. The actual attacking could have lasted longer, as opposed to the distraction the dialogue added—but really, on a whole, it was a nice rounded battle. Perhaps, in the future, to shake things up a bit, try incorporating move combinations ‘n stuff.

Good job. Pass.

Length: Bordering right on the edge of the end of the basic guidelines—good, good, no problems.

Verdict: Mareep Captured. ^^ Have lots and lots of fun. Remember to step up the pace—specifically around the plot and description areas, and in higher-level captures.
__________________

EmBreon is the maple syrup to my slightly undercooked crepe
{URPG Stats}--{ASB Stats}--{Fanfiction}
khajmer = biffle
yoface = broham

thegalleonman: (8:37:28 PM) How sad.
thegalleonman: (8:37:37 PM) I'm amused.

Last edited by Scourge of Amaranth; 08-24-2009 at 07:01 AM.
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  #4  
Old 08-24-2009, 02:44 AM
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Default Re: Shocking, Isn't it? -Complete, grader needed-

Thank you so much for grading this! And I will definitly work on the things you mentioned, you rock~~~
And sorry it tok so long to reply, I was in Oregon for a week. No internet.
''>.>
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